Posted on

Government rejects WHO advice to treat covid-19 with a sonic screwdriver

Trust me, I’m a doctor: unless you are a government which prides itself on ignoring experts. Especially since this particular Doctor saves the world single handedly every week armed with nothing more than a sonic screwdriver.

There are several factors behind the rejection, apart from a reluctance to take advice from people cleverer than themselves. First, the Doctor isn’t English, despite the accent and the eccentricity. Then there’s the fact of having two hearts, which is two more than the government generally likes their advisors to have. And of course the Doctor is currently a black woman.

“We aren’t racist, but we can’t afford to piss off Daily Mail readers,” explained a government ‘source’ in a shifty manner. “They are the lifeblood of our popular support, and that democracy is the second most important factor in this pandemic.”

The most important being that the population needs to be kept safe and has access to top quality health care.

“No, keeping the economy on its feet is our number one priority,” said the source. “You know what it looks like when some alien ‘expert’ flies in, steps out of a shabby blue box and solves everything with some well chosen words and a few buzzes of a sonic screwdriver?”

You should be grateful. Somebody cares enough to save the people from themselves.

“It makes us look weak and incompetent,” insisted the source. “This Doctor – who has no qualifications recognised by English hospitals – uses unproven equipment and doesn’t follow procedure. Has anyone ever seen the Doctor washing her hands?”

Well no, it doesn’t make good, fast moving television, does it? But that’s not the point. The Doctor gets results every time. We could learn a lot from her.

“She talks like a socialist, always going on about how brilliant people can be,” grumbled the source. “And socialism is wrong, even when it’s right!”

It’s a position to die for.

Posted on

UK not in EU medical schemes because UK Gov will do “whatever it takes” to beat Covid-19, but it won’t do that

MEATLOAF AS A FORM OF GOVERNMENT : THE UK GOVERNMENT has put itself behind the national shield wall and faced the threat from the invading Coronavirus, and pledged to do “whatever it takes” to beat the virus.

“In terms of our efforts we’re practicing social distancing,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “we’ve told people to stay home, but not those people. We’ve told our NHS staff they’ll have all the resources and equipment they need, so long as they pop along to B&Q before their shift and buy their own PPE. It goes on like this. Our efforts are socially distanced from each other. There’s still plenty of room for CV-19 to waltz right through. But we’re not practicing ‘herd immunity’ still. Well, not officially, maybe by default?”

But what about criticism that the UK government is refusing to participate in EU procurement schemes to buy ventilators, protective gear for hospital staff or Coronavirus testing kits?

“Well, we’ll do anything to beat Coronavirus and save the lives of British citizens, but we won’t do that. It may save time, money and lives to do it but it would undermine Brexit. We have to look to the future. And everyone knows that a British built ventilator is the only one that can move British oxygen in and about of British lungs. Foreign chaps and their machines can’t do that.”

Well that’s all perfectly sensible. I’m sure if you held a referendum on the strategy you’d get the support of a majority. What snappy title have you given it?

“Meatloaf,” the source replied, “we’ll do anything to beat Coronavirus, but we won’t do that.”

Posted on

Government confirms reduced train services are overcrowded to keep a feeling of normality

WHATEVER IT TAKES : Downing Street has shed new light today on the measures being taken to combat CV19.

Following on from the Prime Minister’s impersonation of someone who gives a toss last night, a Downing Street ‘source’ has answered questions regarding overcrowding on train services in and out of London.

“These are key workers travelling to key work,” the source shrugged, “it’s key we keep them moving and we’ll do whatever it takes. Just today I read about a nurse who had to travel from Zone 4 to Zone 1 to work in a hospital. You don’t want her to feel all alone? Like the world is ending. Do you?”

But that’s precisely how people need to feel at the moment, surely? Especially on mass transport. In order to feel confident they’re being protected as they put themselves on the line for all of us.

“That’s why we’re running a much reduced service.”

But you’re turning train services into superspreaders? Potentially? Aren’t you? Especially now as the disease is growing at a frightening exponential.

By reducing the services available, people are jamming in together. It’s horrifying. What about running a normal time table and scaling it back to what’s required to provide both transport and social distancing in transit?

“You mean like think ahead and sensibly calibrate the service? Show a minimum of competence?”

Exactly. Phew.

“I’m not too sure about that,” the source scowled, “by running a reduced service for people, forcing them to jam in next to each other, by doing that we are keeping a feeling on the trains of business as usual.”

Posted on

Wetherspoons announces 14 day lock-in

Die another day: Britain’s favourite cheap as chips Brexit peddling pub chain has refused to close its doors. Instead, anyone who finds themselves inside a Wetherspoons this week will not be allowed out until the 14 day quarantine period has elapsed.

Lovers of budget bitter and generic lager will be in clover. Elbows will be exercised and spleens vented until a fortnight has elapsed, or punters succumb to food and/or alcohol poisoning, whichever happens first.

It’s the lock-in to beat all lock-ins. Customers unwilling to change their lifestyles one iota to help out their fellow human being will be isolated, with only soggy chips and Martin’s Old Ditchwater for sustenance. If they aren’t gammon faced numpties with the IQ of a baked potato now, they certainly will be by the time they emerge.

This is all because the unrepentant Mr Wetherspoons himself, Tim Martin, is refusing to accept government advice. Pay minimum wage? Have soap in the toilets? Serve good quality food and drink? Close down to prevent coronavirus spreading? Nah. The shock haired, tiny faced, self appointed expert in everything knows better.

In fact he is so confident in himself that he is demanding a government post. But which one? For imposing a 14 day lock-in on vulnerable members of society, he should be the Health Secretary, replacing whichever half-arsed placeholder is currently tasked with selling off the NHS.

“I don’t see why I should have to join in with this closure business,” grumbled Martin to LCD Views’ Fly On The Wall correspondent (a real fly with a miniature recording device strapped to his back). “My profits come from the free movement of people – oh shit, what am I saying?! People should be free to move from stool to stool, like a fly, see what I did there? And to the bar for another dirt cheap pint. But that’s it. This is why I have imposed a lock-in. Why am I talking to an insect? Buzz off!”

Next week: Wetherspoons changes core business to mortuary services.

Posted on

Boris Johnson – “no lockdown until I’m less popular than Coronavirus”

LAST MAN STANDING : Britons puzzled why their government is so reluctant to lockdown the country have received welcome explanation toady direct from the heart of government.

Speaking directly to LCD Views, and keeping a socially respectful distance (imaginary sources are excellent at social distancing), a Downing Street ‘source’ outlined the thinking.

“Well, clearly we’re still doing herd immunity as the Covid-19 policy. Just not officially. But until we legally impose restrictions it’s the policy by default. You know the one? Let it sweep through the population? Build up herd immunity to a virus from a class humans have never built up herd immunity to without a vaccine. That’s the policy.”

But surely we should look to the example of countries that didn’t have our advantage of time lag? What did they get right? What did they get wrong?

“Foreign chaps? What could foreign chaps possibly teach Britons about a virus? A blue passport and a commemorative Brexit 50p is all the protection you need against a killer cold.”

Is it your hope then that people who exploded out of London at the end of last week are carrying those special talismans with them?

“Yes. Covid-19 is now in all nooks and crannies of the UK. Excellent work. More than a few pensioners will die now. It’s very exciting, running your approach to a pandemic crisis in the same way we dealt with Brexit. Triangulate. Rumour. Counter rumour. Vague suggestions. Contradictory information. We’ll get Covid-19 delivered.”

But surely, given we’re two weeks behind Italy, and Italy is a scene of terrible humanitarian crisis, we need to lockdown now. We should have locked down with other countries did.

“Stop the party? No. No. Mr Johnson doesn’t want to be the stick in the mud that stops the music playing. That’s not his style. He wants to be loved. He wants to be popular.”

So the devastating mismanagement of Coronavirus is just Boris being Boris?

“Exciting isn’t it? Herd immunity. It’s still the policy. Just not officially.”

Posted on

Parents worried they’re crap at home schooling reminded lack of education didn’t stop Donald Trump

CURRICULUM COVFEFE : THERE’S GOING TO BE A LOT OF GUILT GOING AROUND THE HOMES OF THE UK, and other countries, for some time now, as people turn to the task of home schooling their children.

“I wouldn’t worry about it,” our Education Matters correspondent shrugs, “look at President Donald Trump? He can barely string two words together. Can’t spell. Can’t do maths with anything approaching credibility. Certainly doesn’t do reading comprehension. Doesn’t do reading! And he’s President of the United States? Lack of education is no barrier to success.”

But what of the worry worts, how to best help them design a home schooling schedule, at least a minimum of what matters?

“I’d focus on television. How to use a remote control. Especially how to find one if it’s missing. Also ordering food while in bed. Clearly a vital skill. I think you’ll find if you set your children the exercise of sitting up in bed screaming ‘I WANT A BURGER! WHERE’S THE REMOTE? WHY ARE YOU ALL SO FFFING USELESS?!’. Most kids will score 10/10, just like Trump.”

What if you don’t have a TV and haven’t stockpiled burgers in the freezer?

“Then you need to get the kids building a wall. Take some of the bricks lying about the yard and get them building it. Make sure they hate their neighbours. Also a vital skill.”

But why such a US focused curriculum? The example of the UK suggests that an Eton education can also help children rise to the very top. What should British parents focus on? How to be a toast rack?

“Oh, that’s exactly the same. Doesn’t matter how thick you are, doesn’t matter how hard you work, you just need to ensure you’re born with a massive inheritance. Home schooling is a piece of cake if you plan ahead.”

Posted on

UK advised to learn lessons of WW2 and change shit prime minister for a good one at start of extended crisis

BLITZING THE UNAVOIDABLE SHITMINSTER : THE UNITED KINGDOM has received some much needed advice today from Reality, which stopped by to have a world.

“I see you’re in a crisis about the Coronavirus crisis,” Mr Reality stated, nodding soberly.

We are. Nice of you to stop by. What would you like to tell our audience?

“You’ve such a fetishisation in certain demographics of population and media for WW2. I’m surprised you are taking so long to work out one of the key lessons that the period offers. So far as early crisis management goes.”

Which is?

“When you’re entering an extended crisis, which is now inevitable due to the poor decisions of the current government, the first thing you need to ensure is new, sound leadership.”

We have a government.

“I didn’t say you didn’t have a government.”

It’s just that they don’t appear sound.

“They don’t, do they.”

So what should we do?

“What did they do in WW2? What did Neville Chamberlain do?”

He found his political support evaporating and he stood down. Winston Churchill took over as prime minister with cross party support.

“What should Boris Johnson do?”

Well, judging only by the Sunday papers he’s hanging Cummings out to dry.

“He should go with him. Then you lot should form a government of national unity, cross party, with a credible prime minister leading it. One with an attention span greater than a gnat’s.”

Then what?

“If you choose wisely, they’ll know what to do. But I’d start by listening to the WHO.”

Nerr, I’ve gone off them since Daltrey revealed himself as a kipper.

“The World Health Organisation, you wally.”

“Roger that.”

Roger who?

Roger that. Listen to the World Health Organisation and not Dom.

Posted on

Dominic Cummings tells Coronavirus to “come back here and I’ll bite your legs off”

UNELECTED SPAD SPAFFS TIME ADVANTAGE AGAINST WALL OF FATE : Britain’s unelected prime minister, Dominic ‘out on his ear soon’ Cummings has used his client journalists to give Covid—19 a message.

“Come back here and I’ll bite your legs off!”

The message, which it’s assumed Covid-19 will ignore, follows on from a tussle between the unelected official and the new killer virus.

Till now it seems Mr Cummings has been deciding the UK’s pandemic strategy, to save Mr Johnson the effort. So boring, poor people dying in droves, just get on with it.

Just imagine that Great Britain, an unelected official has been governing Britain. The ironies and idiocies of Brexit, always a viral sickness in the body politic, now become real and fuelling a crisis.

How the mighty have allowed themselves to become fallen.

As to the tussle itself, first Coronavirus took Mr Cumming’s arms and then it took his legs, leaving the UK ‘armless in the face of pandemic crisis.

“It goes to show that you can’t run a pandemic crisis the way you’ve run Brexit,” our full time pandemic (new employee – although has been working freelance for some weeks) analyst comments.

“I’m not sure why Cummings is seen as such a genius? He got Brexit done because all the proven dodgy methods were useful to politicians, who were themselves amoral voids. So he was politically protected. This is not a genius, except I guess in the failed human field of taking advantage of people’s fears and lesser instincts.”

Get Cummings Done. Let’s get a competent administration that can manage the crisis. Emotionally retarded little boys grown into men are not going to do anything but lose their heads, and ours.

Posted on

Brits advised “use toilet paper stockpiles as body wrappings to thwart zombies” during apocalypse

MUMMY’S GOT BODY ARMOUR : Downing Street is expected to release more advice today, via a “source”, on how people can cope in the apocalypse.

The wisdom of releasing major public policy announcements via anonymous briefings to client journalists in a time of national crisis, when people need clear leadership and clarity of instruction, is not under discussion here.

“While zombies themselves are not known to favour head to toe body wrappings,” the source acknowledged, in what we received as a surprising depth of knowledge in detail for this shambles, “they do however tend to ignore other undead specimens. For this reason disguising yourself as a mummy is recommended, should you have surplus toilet paper that you are unable to sell for a profit on the burgeoning black market.”

Other suggestions for toilet paper, apart from the obvious use as pasta substitutes, is to build “hoop style skirts by way of wrapping up home made twig and branch constructions – sticks as can be found in any back yard – to ensure social distancing, while remaining fashionably dressed in the home”.

But critics have been quick to point out that “while disguising oneself as a mummy may provide an initial protection” it won’t be long before the zombies smell the perspiration of the living human and attack.

“The toilet paper would have to be wrapped so densely so as to render movement slow, shuffling and uncoordinated.”

Other critics have hit back saying “that just adds to the defensive qualities of the disguise, by way of blending in better. And besides, in spite of portrayals in popular television shows and movies, zombies lack the jaw strength to bite through any toilet paper wrapping thicker than a few inches.”

This seems to be a point that will remain under contention, but LCD Views would advise that the best advice is just to stay home and build a fort from the rolls and play with the kids and pets.

Posted on

Lazarus and Jesus to self isolate together so there’s no risk of contradicting Trump

ROLL THE STONE IN FRONT OF THE DOOR TO YOUR HOME : LCD VIEWS can report on a surprising, breaking news story today as famous figures, historical and modern, react to the call to go home and stay home during the Covid-19 crisis.

Shortly before dawn (GMT) a scruffy, woke looking bloke, in what appeared to be an old fashioned robe, took his place behind a podium in a room full of chairs, but no reporters.

The individual identified himself by pointing to a name stitched in script on the back of his robe ‘J. H. Christ’.

There was only one other individual present in the room. A man of indeterminate age who was wrapped head to toe in white sheets, as if preparing to thwart the zombie apocalypse by blending in.

His complexion was described as “pallid, with colour returning later” by experts on social media who watched the press conference live on their screens,

“People have been asking, as the pandemic sweeps the globe, ‘What would Jesus do?’,” Mr Christ begun, “well, I can tell you. After much consultation today I have taken the decision to self-isolate for the duration of the pandemic crisis.”

Mr Christ further revealed, “this has not been an easy decision. I do like to do a lot of walking of the Earth. But I believe it is vital to give medical researchers as much time as possible to get in front of the Covid-19 crisis. And I will not be alone. Lazarus will be joining me. We are going to drink a lot of wine, so long as the water supply isn’t affected. We are also going to eat a lot of bread with fish, so long as I don’t drink too much wine and eat the last remaining bread and fish at midnight in a feast.”

Mr Christ went on to explain that one of the primary motivations for the action was to not risk “contradicting that madman in the White House who asserted that ‘people are dying who have never died before’. Oh my God. I couldn’t believe. Neither could my dad.”

But while the example set is excellent, as soon as Mr Christ opened up to questions sent in via social media, what was a fairly staid press briefing steadily became chaotic.

“Y dont u heel the sick?” Badgerboy76 demanded.

“Rite move Jaysus. U too old to risk catchin it” Devote123456789 added.

Many more comments came in along these lines, before a perplexed looking Mr Christ left the podium.

“Now this is a right pickle,” he muttered, “I will go and walk among the olive trees and decide what’s the best thing to do. But I believe the first thing I will do is go and check this Trump quote at Snopes.”

https://www.snopes.com/fact-check/trump-quote-never-died-before/