Posted on

Cabinet of inheritance millionaires gearing up to say “we all have to tighten our belts” to pay for CV-19

THERE’S A SQUEEZE COMING : The United Kingdom is about to discover there’s no such thing as a free lunch as the time to pay for (mostly) staying alive draws near.

“We’ll be ramping up some old favourites,” a Downing Street ‘source’ told LCD Views, “tighten our belts, all in this together, there’s no magic money tree, mostly because we’ve already felled and chipped it. And so it’s only fair the public chip in.”

What the public will think about this isn’t clear, but it’s presumed the cabinet hope that they’ll be too busy staying alert to notice the tax hikes aren’t as evenly distributed as Covid-19.

“Public spending is a lot like a virus,” the source continues, “it has to be controlled or we’ll have well resourced public services spreading like a plague across the land. This disincentivizes the gig economy. We can’t be having that.”

But why further austerity will be needed when debt is currently free won’t be answered, or even asked.

“Clearly the world’s tax havens are stuffed to the jowls with money that should be in various exchequers. And clearly the public paid for the banking crisis as the banks just took all the cash and put it into bonuses. None of this can be allowed to change. The net result allows the 1% to have an endless contest over who’s winning at life. Somebody has to pay for it. And we haven’t fostered ethno-nationalism for years now just to throw it all away on a public health crisis.”

But what about people who may find their belt is already so tight they can’t tighten it further?

“Their fault for being born with substandard genetics. Pretty obvious. And besides, they can always wear a corset.”

Get Ready to do your bit to pay for Coronavirus. It’s only fair. Just ask an inheritance millionaire.

Posted on

Government to pay Coronavirus bill with Brexit bonus

TAX IS BEST KEPT IN A HAVEN : 500 billion British blue passports are right now being stuffed into brown paper bags to be dropped at an undisclosed location as U.K. Gov prepares to pay the bill for the Covid-19 furlough scheme.

“Someone has to pay for it, it’s just common sense,” Random Tory MP told Radio 4’s Yesterday programme, “there’s no magic money tree you know, just ask the nurses. And it should be the people who caused the crisis by getting sick with a pandemic to begin with.”

But critics of the decision to use British blue passports have leapt on the fact that Coronavirus may not currently be able to exchange the British passports for useful passports, as every border but the UK’s remains closed.

“These nannywobblers worried that CV-19 will come back even angrier when it finds the paper the passports are printed on is worthless need to stop talking Britain down. The Brexit blues are so ramped you with sovereignty Covid-19 will find itself able to found its own nation state the moment it throws the bags in the back of the stolen van.”

And what might CV-19 call its new country?

“Why the United Kingdom of course,” Random Tory MP shrugged, “following on from our ‘take it on the chin‘ approach, it’s only sensible. Can I have my jelly babies now please? I need to pop back off into obscurity and wait for the call up to cabinet the whips promised me.”

Posted on

Country that let The People choose Brexit now surprisingly letting The People manage a pandemic

Power to the people! Yeah coz democracy. No coz communism. Erm… let’s have a managed no deal referendum!

In a measure that comes as a complete surprise to observers of this government, the major decisions are being sub-contracted out to the general public.

Who would have guessed? The successor to an administration that chickened out of making a decision about the country’s future relationship with Europe has chickened out of making a decision about how to handle a lockdown.

LCD Views sought the opinion of former governmental advisor, and current angry frustrated madman, Gordon Bennett.

“I give up with this bunch of incompetent charlatans,” he raged. “They have been brought up to do whatever the flip they like, and leave matron to clear up the mess. All their decisions have always been made for them. Public school taught them to bully and cheat their way through life. These men are useless in charge of anything, but ideal if you want to plan a midnight raid on the kitchens.”

This abdication of duty is also how we ended up with Brexit.

“Precisely,” Bennett spluttered. “David Cameron refuses to face down the extremists in his party. Instead he tried to fob them off with a referendum. Well we all know what happened next. Instead of facing the music, he ran away and hid in a shed.”

Something of a common thread here.

“Johnson rarely comes out of his fridge these days,” said Bennett through gritted teeth. “Where we need strength, we get weakness. Where we need courage, we get cowardice. Where we need clarity, we get a vague load of meaningless waffle. Where we need visible leadership, we get Dominic fucking Raab.”

And the decisions about going to work, health and safety, travel and so on, are being left to the common sense of The People.

“Life or death decisions are being pushed on to people who shove creme eggs up their bum and think that Boaty McBoatface is a good name for a polar exploration ship,” he almost screamed. “Gordon Bennett! I despair, I really do.”

There will not be another referendum. The People are up shit creek without a paddle, and those nominally in charge are expected to take the money and run any day now.

Posted on

Government lockdown advice based on Mornington Crescent rules

The government’s guidelines for coping with the current crisis have been criticised for being more than a little vague of late, but the source of those guidelines has now been identified. A keen-eyed observer has pointed out that the guidelines bear a remarkable resemblance to the rules of a modern game.

The game in question is Mornington Crescent.

According to Professor Humphrey Rushton, the world’s leading authority on the rules, every single rule has parallels in the current crisis:

“It’s uncanny,” he told LCD Views via a Zoom chat. “It’s as if he’s taken each and every rule and applied it to the COVID-19 crisis. According to Stovold’s Second Ruling, players can only move an even number of stations along from mainline termini unless they absolutely have to travel by an odd number. That’s like stay in unless you need to go out.”

And that’s far from the only similarity.

“According to the original version of the rules, transverse laterals can only be blocked from the south unless you’re approaching from the north,” the Professor went on, “the parallels here are self-explanatory and only an idiot would need that one explaining.”

Indeed they are. The other obvious parallel is the Brooke-Taylor Gambit, which states huffing is expressly forbidden unless you really really want to put the other player at an unfair disadvantage.

“That’s basic government policy most of the time anyway,” Professor Rushton went on. “And there’s more parallels even than that. I haven’t even started on Montague’s Amendment where the entire Circle Line is wild.”

There have also been reports of parallels to other bizarre games, most notably the card game Fizzbin, whose best known champion was none other than Captain James T. Kirk, who famously triumphed on planet Sigma Iotia II by scoring a Royal Fizzbin – the odds of which are so astronomical they have never been calculated.

At this rate, we can expect the end of the crisis to be announced by the prime minister shouting out “Mornington Crescent!” at the top of his lungs. Assuming he manages to find his way out of the fridge.

Posted on

New Covid-19 plan – public told to trust other people’s common sense

VIRAL RAMP UP : As the used blonde mop (upturned and given human form by a God – smart money is on Loki) of U.K. governance struggles to clean away the mess it’s created, the public have been given fresh advice.

“Trust in your common sense and you may not die.”

This is all very well and good, but what about other people’s common sense? We all know all common sense is created equal, but some common sense is more equal than others.

“There’s the rub,” Professor Two Cents told LCD Views, “pretty much everyone is convinced they have sufficient common sense. Most are correct. But some stick household items up their bum.”

The inappropriate storing of household items isn’t the only clue that trusting to common sense will help control the Coronavirus.

“We also keep seeing complete and utter clowns re-elected to government. Time after time. Take the Home Secretary. A prime example. Gets busted running a private foreign policy agenda. Gets re-elected. Where’s the common sense in that? You get the government you deserve, which is a strong counter argument to the new advice. So I will personally be taking this new advice with a pinch of salt.”

Common sense says don’t do what BoRiS and chums do or say?

“That’s just basic common sense, day after day.”

Common sense, let’s hope it’s as infectious as Covid-19, because it is apparently a pillar of viral control in the U.K. now.

Common sense says that’s nonsense.

Posted on

PM says U.K. has moved from “fiddling while Rome burns” to “actively pouring petrol on the CV-19 fire”

FOLLOWING THE ARS-ON SCIENCE : Pants Fire extraordinaire chief, Boris “accelerant” Johnson, has today confirmed the U.K. has moved forward.

“It happened while I was asleep,” Mr Johnson said, with words some suspected were designed to avoid accountability.

“So sometime between 2am and 11:30am today the country ramped up CV-19.”

Mr Johnson said it was really “a stroke of luck” that he woke up so early, or he may not have known before afternoon tea.

The new stage appears to build on the earlier work done by the FUBAR strategy of pandemic management.

“We are controlling the virus,” he went on, “with our initial policies we’re controlling it all over the country. We’ve really levelled up London and the north. And we’re a long way to solving the social care crisis, just as promised.”

The public can expect to enjoy the benefits of the latest stage as they resume using mass transport to go to workplaces unfit for viral control.

“By pouring petrol on the blaze we can get it over faster and begin to rebuild,” Mr Johnson beamed, “while other countries are still chasing their tails we’ll be siftng through the rubble to see what stone is good to rob and re-erect mighty Britannia on the world stage!”

But for voters who will be nostalgic for the two months of Schrödinger’s lockdown, Mr Herd Immunity has words of reassurance.

“You’ll still be able to hear me fiddling. It’s about all I do. So like Theseus finding himself suddenly in a hair dresser with the Gorgon, stay alert for important passages of improvisation in the mood music. You should be able to detect them through the sound of the UK’s crackling roof timbers.”

Posted on

It is better to say nothing and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt, says Boris Johnson

WATCH YOUR TONE: The mask has slipped. But put it back on quickly before anyone gets the virus. The fatuous filibusterer and acting Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has issued advice to his critics. It is better to say nothing and be thought a fool than to open it and remove all doubt, he says.

“Let me be perfectly clear about this,” he spluttered to the virtual press conference, in which the press was not allowed to ask questions. “I’m doing this for your own good! If you ask a stupid question, you get a stupid answer, which makes you look stupid for asking it, if indeed you did ask, and if you didn’t, well you might have done, and what I’m really saying is, you must stay alert to avoid looking stupid, but it’s up to you, but whatever you do, stay alert!”

What does “stay alert” mean, asked a member of the public.

“Well, really, it means to stay alert, unless you can’t, but you should try to, well, the most important thing is to stay alert and don’t travel by bus, unless you have to, and even then don’t do it, and later today there is a 130 page dossier coming out which explains exactly what stay alert means,”

Clear as muddied waters.

Why don’t you follow your own advice, asked another pleb.

“I’m always staying alert,” waffled Johnson. “Oo, oo, oo, oo, staying alert, staying alert. Do as I say, not as I do. Protect the NHS by being alert at all times, keep calm and carry on, if you can, unless you have to go to work, let me be very clear about this, don’t panic, don’t tell ’em, Pike, these tricky blighters are everywhere. Reds under the bed! Fight them on the beaches! Stay alert! Stay alert! Exterminate!”

Johnson has left plenty of room for doubt with his statement, but at least there is nobody in the country who still doubts that he is a fool.

Posted on

“Coronavirus : it’s orll you’re fault” – Downing Street slammed over grammatical errors in new CV-19 slogan

DEAD CAT SOCIETY MEETS DAILY : DOWNING STREET is coming under fire from social media users today after updating the slogan used to convince the British public that excess mortality is “orright!”.

Shortly after daybreak today the whizz kid, social media genius gurus working out of the Satanic Mill at 10 Downing Street let fire across the interweb with the updated word salad.

“It’s more of a tapas, than a salad,” a Downing Street aide corrected, and was swiftly fired for using a foreign word.

“We can’t have foreign words sullying the purity of English,” a swiftly deputised, replacement aide advised, “not when clarity of communication is our byword.”

But they can deputise as many anonymous aides as they like, the fact remains the new slogan is a grammatical car crash.

“We got the ‘its’ correct,” the deputy aide shrugged, “the speed with which we write this shite, think you’re self lucky that’s the only error is your, or you’re only error is, to be consistent. Is this clear?”

It’s not clear, but then that is probably the point.

“We’ve actually had a call from our mentors in the Kremlin,” the aide confessed, “they’ve advised us to dial the disinformation back a bit. Apparently we need someone left alive after Coronavirus to handle sensitive financial contractions. I didn’t even know finances went into labour! You learn something knew every day.”

But one thing is certain, at least now, as the great working masses shuffle onto trains, and some of them shuffle off the mortal coil as a result, at least they will know who to blame.

Covid-19. Remember, it’s not the government’s fault, it’s orll you’re fault. You know this because they told you so with slogans.

Posted on

Boris Johnson announces a week of national mourning for his premiership

CONTROL YOURSELF : His hair combed, his suit strangely free of creases, Britain’s prime minister of blithe announced a week of national mourning.

“Those European countries that have declared public mourning for Coronavirus victims are missing the point of a national tragedy,” a source close to the PM of laidback told LCD Views, “who is really suffering? It’s not the dead. It’s done and dusted. Atoms and dust. It’s the politicians who have to live with the consequences of poor choices by members of the public.”

The week will begin today and continue as long as necessary. All inhabitants of these spectred isles are expected to wear black and carry themselves in a somber mood “reflecting the unfair calamities“ that have befallen the World King, since he descended to the throne.

“It’s all going to plan of course,” the side commented, “if you’re Covid-19. Bit baffling. It hasn’t released one slogan? Something is decidedly fishy.”

And in a cross party initiative Downing Street will reach out to the other parties and ask them “to respect Mr Johnson’s privacy in this difficult time. Now is not the time to query the decisions of the Johnson administration. Have a heart.”

Media supporters of the prime minister have been quick to commend the move, noting it is “statesmanlike and will unite the country in sympathy for Mr Johnson.”

Ordinary folk will be asked to get the bunting out again and set out their garden tables in the front yard. Congas and hokey cockeys are encouraged, for those wishing to be seen on the BBC news.

“If people support one another they can get through witnessing Mr Johnson’s time as prime minister turn into the complete bin fire no one could have anticipated. If they’re really lucky they may just live to see the end of it.”

Posted on

Johnson calls for global body dedicated to disease control so UK is “warned next time before pandemic hits”

WHO COULD IT BE NOW : Downing Street has slammed the “amateurish comms” from the WHO today after discovering an email warning about CV-19 in the “junk” folder.

The group email, which was junked due to having EU addresses in the “To:” section carried potentially lifesaving information about Covid-19.

“If they’d bothered to send us a personalised email, as befits our status as a global buccaneering powerhouse, and not some group spam involving lesser countries, perhaps we would have stood a chance,” a Downing Street official told LCD Views, “they basically kept it secret until it was too late.”

Why the WHO decided to include other European country email addresses in the To: section isn’t yet clear.

“It’s a set up,” the aide went on, “I hear they even added Junker’s gmail address just to make sure our email account decided it was spam.”

The phone call from President Xi in January, before Britain legally exited the EU, was also dismissed.

“He rang up to warn us to dial back the China conspiracy rhetoric, not to offer advice on CV-19,” the aide corrected the record, “said we could build our own nuclear power stations if we went along with Trump on the ‘China Flu’ take.”

Why the WHO would choose to discriminate against the UK was obvious to all though.

“Jealousy,” the aide shrugged, “envy. Spite. Covetousness. They see the unbridled potential of Britain, freed of the shackles of EU PPE procurement programmes, and they want to stack the deck. Very transparent.”

But critics of the government have hit back and said “We’ve seen a leaked copy of the email and it was titled ‘Busty Blondes For Boris’. There is zero chance Downing Street junked the email.”

For its part the WHO promised to shout loudly in English next pandemic, and to additionally “Give the UK advice on how to spread the virus, so we can be confident they’ll do the opposite.”

Downing Street is believed not to have noticed that direct comment and tonight Boris Johnson himself will call for a new global body dedicated to disease control. Adding it’s “about time one was set up” and he is happy to lead it so long as “the position comes with a fridge in case things get dicey”.