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Dominic Cummings allows Queen to exercise in Buckingham Palace gardens

REAL MEN DON’T LOOK BACK AT EXPLOSIONS : THE UK’S HEAD OF STATE, DOMINIC “CONTEMPT OF EVERYTHING” CUMMINGS has made a pleasing gesture towards his government’s ceremonial figurehead.

In an announcement earlier today he said he will allow the shambling haystack that fulfils the role of puppet prime minister out to play. He will be however confined to an area with limited chance of meeting a member of the public, so as to avoid spontaneous booing, and somewhere where a close eye can be kept on him, even if he thinks no one is watching.

“Boris is like a puppy,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street’s chief told LCD Views, “he’s full of boundless energy. If we don’t let him burn some of it off he starts chewing people’s shoes and the housetraining goes right out the window. Currently slinking away and pulling waitresses is not possible, we’ve decided to let him out to run about. Now and then. In the hope he doesn’t hump the beanbags.”

The exercise will be off leash due to the good security and high walls of Buckingham Palace.

“There’s no way he could climb over them. Not in his condition.”

As to whether or not there were any targets for the exercise, steps or miles etc, we decided to ask the holder of the once powerful, but now symbolic role, of prime minister himself.

“Woof. Woof! Grrrrrr. Woof!”

We wiped the slobber off, had the response translated and discovered he said,

“Oh, I’m not allowed to set any targets anymore, that’s for my owner to do.”

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Trust my judgement on Cummings, says man who hides in fridges

BELIEVE IN BETTER: Prime Minister (in name only), Boris Johnson, needs us all to believe in the Word of Dom. Trust my judgement, he pleads, I’ve never been wrong about anything before.

This is a man who does little set piece items to camera with an unendearing and embarrassing incompetence. This is a man who is so trustworthy that he leaves hordes of disappointed pregnant blonde fillies in his wake. This is a man who hid in a fridge to avoid having to answer a question.

So, should we trust his judgement?

“He’s a lying toad!” spat jilted lover Norma Sarse. “And that’s unfair to toads! He promised me a rose garden, he promised to leave his mistress for me, he said I had a terrific figure. Well that’s in the past, thanks to him. And now I’m lumbered with this blond brat who thinks I only exist to service his needs. I wouldn’t trust him to judge a knobbly knees competition!”

That’s a no, then.

But what can we do in these passive, isolated times? For those of us who aren’t Dominic Cummings, swanning up and down the country with impunity and covid. Lie back and think of England?

“That’s what got me into trouble in the first place!” grumbled Sarse. “He saw, he conquered, he came, and then he buggered off!”

To where, nobody seems to know. He is not to be seen in parliament, at the daily coronavirus briefings, or on TV reassuring a jumpy public. For a man who loves the limelight, he has been strangely invisible.

There can be only one explanation. We all know the government is comprised of brexity yes men, and that anyone showing intellect or compassion has been removed ruthlessly. Yet we are asked to take Cummings on trust.

What does Cummings know about Johnson that he doesn’t want to come out?

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Let’s send kids back to school to see if it’s safe, suggests man who takes his kid for a drive to test his eyes

PETRI DISH KIDS : As the world waits for British leadership to see it through the Covid-19 crisis, many British people themselves are concerned with more domestic concerns, secure in the confidence that lesser countries will take lessons from where we go. They do not have Dom and Dum, and that is their own doing.

“The Commonwealth countries? All they have to do is learn from our example,” Tory MP A Lackey told LCD Views, “they’re putting up a good show of getting along without us, but that’s just playing to domestic audiences. What I am concerned about, what the government is concerned with is not appearances, but the awarding of contracts to big name corporate brands. What a perfect time to shift public funds back to where they belong. Did I say that? I mean, the health and welfare of children.”

To this end the Department for Education has been ordered to prepare schools to reopen, and begin readmitting British students to British schools.

There is absolutely no chance that this desperate attempt to keep up with the Joneses, on an international scale, will have to be revised. And further examples that managing a public health crisis like a PR emergency will see more plague pits dug.

The closing of a hospital in Somerset to new patients, because it’s stuffed to the gills with Covid-19, is not a warning.

“You can imagine the anxiety our European neighbours must be feeling,” Mr A Lackey said, “busily opening back up their communities, a little hastily, desperate to prove they don’t need our leadership. Why they would make a public health crisis about Brexit I am not sure. Managing well without us are you? Run along. Presumably it’s to do with the quality of education they receive? You get what you pay for.”

But we on this green and pleasant isle need worry not about what others are doing, we must look to our own children.

The fact that Finnish children start school much older, and top the world tables, is not an argument that a few months of school missed due to the plague can not be rectified over the years to come.

“We have to trust in the leadership of Boris and Dom,” Mr A Lackey reassures, his eye on a junior cabinet post, “any man clever enough to test his eyes by taking his four year old for a drive, wouldn’t take a greater chance with the children of people he doesn’t know. Back to school we go! Where the infection rate goes, nobody knows!”

We will soon find out if it was the right decision. Children. Your country needs you! Well, most of you. Whoever survives. But in the interim at least Boris Johnson can pretend he’s got everything under control.

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Dominic Cummings amends his blog to prove he created the world in six days

THE GOD COMPLEX: History, the saying goes, is written by the winners. In the case of “Classic” Dom Cummings, history is being rewritten to suit his Machiavellian plan to rule the world.

Hidden among his deranged ramblings is a post entitled Genesis: Selling England by the Pound. The very first paragraph reads thus:

“In the beginning Dom created the atmosphere and the political landscape. Now the landscape was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Blitz Spirit of Dom was hovering over the waters. And Dom said, let there be enlightenment, and there was enlightenment. Dom saw that it was good, and he separated the light from the darkness. Dom called the light “power”, and the darkness he called “work”. And there was evening and there was morning – the first of the Dom days.”

So it continues, the language and claims becoming ever more hyperbolic and unbelievable, until he reaches the sixth and final day:

“Then Dom said, “Let us make puppets in our own image, in our likeness.” He called the puppet Boris, which means ‘A lover not a fighter’. But for Boris no suitable helper could be found, so Dom took the puppet, and while he slept removed his conscience. Then Dom made an endless succession of busty blonde fillies from the conscience, and placed them with him in the Garden of Roses.”

The post continues, as Dom himself enters the story in the form of a serpent, and tempts them to eat the fruit from the Tree of Brexit. Boris and the blondes are kicked out of the Garden and told to go forth and multiply.

The final paragraph has been much altered. Originally it read, “And on the seventh day Dom took a well earned rest”. The revised version suggests that instead Dom undertook an exhausting journey up the A1 while unwell, in order to test whether he was too tired to drive.

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Michael Gove says he only snorted cocaine to test if his nostrils worked

JUST FOLLOWING THE INSTINCTS OF A HOOVER : RUPERT MURDOCH’S PICK TO BE BRITAIN’S NEXT PRIME MINISTER, Secretary of State for Slippery, Michael Gove, has waded into the debate about driving eye tests.

“I was only following my instincts as a vacuum cleaner,” Mr Gove told a slightly baffled press corp this lunchtime. “And to see if my nostrils worked. I was about to take part in a competition to see who could hold their breath the longest and I didn’t want to find my nose inoperable at the time. You could almost say it was a matter of life and death. I’m sure any judge and jury would agree. And the British people, the British people themselves will see what I did as fair and reasonable. In fact, I would go so far as to say, when faced with a mountain of the finest marching powder, and a breath holding competition straight after, any British man, or woman, or woman, or child would do the same.”

The unique defence is unlikely to be tested in a court of law, luckily for Mr Gove.

And he has received support from the expected corners. Shortly after his speech dozens of Tory MPs tweeted their support to Mr Gove.

One dedicated bootlicker even went so far as to say, “when I was caught on Wimbledon Common with a young person somewhat my junior in years, although I must stress well over the legal age of consent, with my trousers down and clutching several twenty pound notes, I was only testing if the local economy was vibrant and healthy. It was essentially an act of public service. I am sure you will agree.”

And there was more. Former Brain of Britain, now reduced to a skanky dust mote that’s been stuck on the cat’s backside for a day, Dominic Cummings, hailed Mr Gove for his sincerity.

“It’s entirely reasonable. It’s just like strapping your confused four year old into the backseat of your powerful motor car and tearing along narrow country lanes to test your eyesight. Anyone in Michael’s position can now claim the same. I’m sure the Attorney General will agree.”

And this is how it will roll in Brexitannia forever, until the people have had enough of the BS and demand once again that their elected public servants have not only a conscience, but a functioning brain. And not just a claim to have a giant one.

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Hundreds of Conservative MPs discovered in the dungeons at Barnard Castle

Don’t look now: following hot on the heels of news that MPs’ spines are kept in a Westminster vault, comes the discovery of the MPs themselves. They have been locked away in the cells in Barnard Castle, where a close eye could be kept on them.

Lockdown means lockdown, and in such strange times both the population and the message must be tightly controlled. To facilitate this, all Conservative MPs lacking the initiative to think independently were asked to volunteer for social distancing. Stay home, stay safe, was the message.

An Englishman’s home is Barnard Castle, writes the soothsayer Nostracummings. Thus persuaded, the MPs willingly surrendered their freedom, and their Twitter accounts, and went into isolation.

In order that government could still take place, the isolated MPs were permitted to join in with Zoom conferences from their cells. Unfortunately, Barnard Castle is a bit of a WiFi blackspot. The cell phones refused to connect, so the imprisoned heroes were obliged to revert to pigeon post. It is entirely wrong to read anything into the Cummings family’s fondness for pigeon pie.

Barnard Castle is fast becoming a place of pilgrimage. It is here, on the Road to Durham, that the scales fell from Saint Dominic’s eyes. He was able to see the way forward clearly at last, which is fortunate because some trickster had pinched the sign pointing the way to London at junction 61 of the A1(M).

This miraculous conversion, to the Broad Church of Caring Conservatism, meant that Saint Dominic, following His instincts as a Father to His flock, undertook the dangerous missionary journey to The North. There He ensured that the subdued members were sufficiently underfed.

The noble Saint allegedly made this journey on five subsequent occasions, but kept this quiet so as not to boast about His charitable nature.

It’s time to move on. The canonisation of Saint Dominic, the Apostle of Herd Immunity, is the real story here.

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Specsavers files for bankruptcy after Historic England offers 2 for 1 on eye tests

SEE OUR CASTLES IN 20/20 IN 2020 : FAMOUS HIGH STREET OPTOMETRISTS SPECSAVERS are rumoured to be on the brink of bankruptcy today after Historic England parked its trebuchets on their lawn.

“The offer of two for one on eye tests is like an arrow in the eye for a lionheart of the high street,” our In-Hindsight correspondent reports, “the move by Historic England mirrors those already made this week by English Heritage and the National Trust.”

The threat seems to be heavily based on how much more cost efficient organisations based on historic buildings can be in providing eye testing services.

“Does Specsavers have car parks? Can you get a cream tea there? Can you spend an hour queuing to purchase a radically overpriced sausage roll, like you can at the NT? No way. There’s no wallet killing tea and scone based killing ground. And with the convenience of an eye test which involves merely arriving at the destination without causing a fatal collision, well, should have gone to a Specsavers is destined for the history books.”

Specsavers themselves appear to be blindsided by the move, which comes after super genius Dominic “contempt of parliament” Cummings invented the disruptive way of checking your vision.

But not everyone is pleased. Former customers of the high street brand and Historic England visitors say they feel like they’ve been taken for mugs.

“To think of all the time I’ve wasted getting my eyes tested at a well known high street brand name in order to see the tapestries clearly on my weekend outings to historic properties?” one invented customer complained, “if I’d seen this coming I wouldn’t have watched my money fly like an arrow shot true out of my wallet.”

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Boris Johnson denies ever having met Dominic Cummings

MIRROR MIRROR ON THE WALL : OUTGOING BRITISH PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has spoken to the press pack this morning to clear up some misconceptions.

As the furore over an unelected, unaccountable advisor (purportedly in Mr Johnson’s team) breaking Coronavirus lockdown laws rumbles on into a second week, Mr Johnson has sought to distance himself from the scandal.

“I have been made aware that some junior staffer was able to set up a card table in the Rose Garden today and have some friends around,” Mr Johnson told reporters, “I must say I was surprised when it was suggested I know the individual personally. I have never met this Dominic Cummings or his wife. And if I did meet him I would give him the cold shoulder. Frankly any prime minister that would expend political capital attempting to save one advisor needs their head examined. It would make the country a laughing stock. By the way, I do all my own work.”

But the credibility of Mr Johnson’s claims have been called into question after video footage emerged showing the pair in the frame together numerous times, over many years.

“Deep fakes,” Mr Johnson dismissed the evidence of people’s own eyes, “we’re deep fakes. I mean the photographs are deep fakes. You will all recall the famous Edwardian images of faeries? Exactly like that.”

Whether or not the public will believe Mr Johnson’s robust assertion that he is not acquainted with Mr Cummings remains to be seen. Some inside Downing Street do believe that the truth hasn’t mattered since 24th June 2016. And there’s a fair bit of evidence that so far they are right.

But Mr Cummings himself is sticking by his own claims over the closeness of the relationship between the prime minister and himself.

“He’s my sock puppet, he’ll do exactly what I please or people will start talking about the ghastly Covid-19 death toll in the UK again. Oh and his little trip to Italy. How many illegitimate children he has. What’s in the Russia Report. Who paid for the holiday in Mustique. The Arcuri whitewash may well get unwashed. And so on. It’s a bloody long list. I’m a genius.”

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Sauron to address Middle Earth at 3pm after press conference by Saruman fails to end controversy

ONE LIE TO RULE THEM ALL : Middle Earth waits with baited breath today after the announcement that Sauron itself will address all the races at 3pm today.

The surprising move comes after yesterday’s press conference, held by his drunken, captive wizard of bollocks, Boris Saurman Johnson, failed to end a controversy over who exactly is governed by the one ring.

Clearly while the one ring designed to rule them all may have its legal instructions engraved in the metal, it’s just as clear that someone has to wield the power, so how can you expect them to also be subject to it?

What Sauron will say isn’t clear though, as it usually talks directly into the minds of the individuals of any given race it strives to enslave, via their social media.

Those wishing for some fake contrition maybe in for a surprise, after the Eye was heckled mercilessly by hobbits in the street yesterday. Could this have led to a concern about popularity? And the feasibility of finishing off the rule of men while being too much a focus of criticism?

“Sauron did nothing wrong,” Saruman repeated earlier today, “I do not mark it down for raising Orcs from the Earth or the wanton damage it caused to numerous Ents. It was following its instincts as a total genius, super dark lord. It’s not for mortals like you and I to question its actions, even if they did lead to half the world catching fire.”

But others suspect the sudden and surprising Fellowship of The Media, where both the Guardian and Daily Fail are critical of the giant, blazing eye of electoral faecalism and dark money fuelled neoliberalism, may just have spooked the dark master.

The press conference will be held atop the Shard in central London, as that’s felt to be the most familiar feeling place in the lands of men for Sauron to talk from.

It will be taking questions after, but don’t be surprised if the entire event is a celebration of its lies. And whatever you do, don’t look directly at it. Better to view the whole charade from a reflection in a pool of water.

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Boris Johnson to choose between devil and deep blue sea

Better the devil you know: Lockdown means lockdown, unless you are the Prime Minister’s Very Specialest special advisor. However, defending “Classic” Dom Cummings means fatally undermining the government’s message. Who to choose? Devilish Dom, or the deep, uncharted waters of Shit Creek?

Johnson is going to have to paddle hard.He is in the worst possible bind he could imagine. Johnson is going to have to make a decision on his own.This must be the first time in his pampered existence that he has not had anyone to tell him what to do.

He can’t listen to Dom this time. Even Johnson must know that a line has been crossed. But it is a big decision. Who to throw under the bus? The architect of his Great Victory, or the mass of braying cheerleaders, and in fact the entire foundation of British Democracy? Dither, Delay, Indecision.

It has come to this. Hundreds of loyal, if misguided, Conservative MPs, including cabinet ministers, rushed to defend Classic Dom. But defending Dom means destroying the government’s message. So. Devil. Deep Blue Sea.

Take Back Control? They have totally lost control.

What will Johnson do? This is where strong leadership counts. LCD Views’ Number Ten mole, Liv Inahole, has the latest gossip.

“It’s bedlam, quite frankly,” she reports. “Nobody knows their arse from their elbows. I am extremely glad that I don’t need the toilet.”

Where are they meeting? What is being said?

“They are meeting in the kitchen,” replied Inahole. “That’s because that is where the fridge is. I hear that the Prime Minister has barricaded himself in behind the cheese and the random bottle of relish that went out of date in 2013.”

Is there any progress?

“None,” she said. “Everybody has totally lost their shit, the fan is covered in the stuff, and Dom is doing his nut.”

Time for Boris to take the plunge.