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Removing 600 MPs from parliament is not an attack on democracy, says feudal overlord

WILL OF THE PEOPLE: There is nothing wrong with streamlining parliament, according to Jacob Rees-Mogg. At least that is our best guess at what he said, after filtering his schoolboy Latin through an online translation service.

Decisions will be reached much more quickly without having to endure troublesome debates or awkward opposition. Instead, a hand-picked selection of obedient MPs will attend in order! order! to nod through whatever legislation Dominic Cummings wishes them to.

Removal of the franchise coincides neatly with removal of other rights, unless you happen to be one of the fortunate feudal lords ramming the legislation through what remains of parliament.

“This ramps up the whole business of taking back control,” remarked supine yes-man Job Dunn MP. “The government’s entire lack of strategy will enable our natural leaders to reclaim rights eroded by stroppy serfs getting above their station!”

This, then, is democracy.

“Of course it is,” retorts Dunn. “The People had a vote, which means we have a massive mandate to do whatever we want!”

And what is it that we want?

“Let me check,” said Dunn, pulling out a sheet of official notepaper bearing the inscription ‘From the office of Dominic Cummings’. “Ah yes,” he said, peering closely at the text. “Restore ancient privileges, remove onerous and intrusive legislation (especially concerning rights currently assigned to the lower orders), decrease surplus population by natural or natural-seeming processes, not-for-profit organisations banned… That’s the gist of it,” he concluded.

So Jacob Rees-Mogg’s announcement is totally in line with your understanding of what democracy means?

“Power to the privileged!” cried Dunn, tugging his forelock obsequiously. “Parliament will eventually assume a ceremonial function, like the monarchy. Wasteful and inefficient elections will be replaced by an interview process, so that only the very best will represent Mr Rees-Mogg’s interests!”

And where will these brave new leaders work from?

“55 Tufton Street will be the new seat of power!”

What a surprise.

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Boris Johnson says no need for people to wear masks now that his has fallen off

WHAT’S THE POINT OF LIFE EXPECTANCY ANYWAY : THE UK’S PUPPET KING, BORIS ‘DE PRATTLE’ JOHNSONOV, has hit back at traitors suggesting that his policy of no masks in public, in a time of RESPIRATORY PANDEMIC, is a bad one.

“Did the Spitfire pilots of WW2 wear masks?” Mr Johnsonov, who still hasn’t released the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy, demanded, “Did the brave Tommy in the trenches in WW1 wear masks? Did the triumphant English knights at Agincourt wear masks? British men and women do not conceal their faces. We face danger head on.”

And while Mr Johnsonov looks determined to ignore voices that suggest masks could help save lives, some are wondering if the man who took technology lessons off a pole dancer has our best interests at heart.

“It’s because his own mask has fallen off,” one critic suggested.

“His polling is steadily dropping through the floor,” they went on, “dropping like a lead balloon. So if he was to suddenly restrict the freedoms of the citizens his primary duty is to defend, well, you might find Labour sneaking a poll lead. Not because mask wearing would offend, but because it’d be another u-turn in pandemic policy. People might start to get the sneaky feeling Mr Johnsonov isn’t up to the job. Just. Possibly.”

But others seem less concerned over the loss of Mr Johnsonov’s public mask.

“He’s the fig leaf for Dominic Cummings’ insane agenda to reorganise the UK like a three year ‘reorganising’ his bedroom after being told off for smearing scat on the living room walls. And he’s stuck fast at that. I’d worry about that.”

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Downing Street denies rumours Dominic Cummings dresses like Aztec priest in private

HUMAN SACRIFICES RESUME MONDAY : THE ACTUAL PRIME MINISTER, DOMINIC “EYE TEST” CUMMINGS, has made a surprise return to the news cycle today after rumours began circling of his dressing habits.

“It is not true that Dominic dresses like an Aztec priest performing human sacrifices, as seen in the movie Apocalypto,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “he dresses like it all the time, even when going to dinner. The shabby teenager with the compulsive self-pleasuring habit look, that’s just for press conferences.”

But while everything that emanates from Downing Street is definitely credible, the rumour is taking some dispelling. Especially as Matt Hancock is said to have ordered the construction of a “a giant pyramid with a raised platform, over which the sun must stand directly at midday”. The fact the pyramid also has a drain that “runs from altar to gutter” is not of any interest either.

Furthermore, the ordering of antique knives of “classic, pre-colonial era American design” and the decision to take “2.2m people previously ordered to shield and let them run about outside” are also said to “not equate to anything of note.”

The rebuttals will come as reassurance to people still convinced the government has been running a bogus herd immunity policy in response to Covid-19.

“Herd immunity and human sacrifice are related, but not the same,” the source added, “and even if Dominic was dressing like a blood stained Aztec priest, it would only be to test his eyesight. Also, to ensure a good harvest. Only a traitor wants the harvest to fail.”

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Dominic Cummings promises that Boris Johnson will resign in six months

WHAT’S THE RUSH DOT COM : THE UK’S prime minister, Dominic “contempt of parliament” Cummings, has made a firm commitment to the people who voted to be ruled by an unelected bureaucrat in Durham, not Brussels.

“Unlike the tyrannical, super state across the ENGLISH CHANNEL, we are now a healthy, hereditary democracy,” Mr Cummings wrote on his blog (while also amending a post from 2012 that predicted the Olympics’ opening ceremony would feature men dressed as knights, with St George crosses on their shields, and nothing else).

Thereafter several thousand words followed, most of which attempted to compare Mr Cumming’s driving skills, even while blindfolded, as equal to famous Chinese rally driver Tsun Zu’s.

Eventually he cycled back to the point he began at.

“Mr Johnson will resign his seat at the forthcoming 2020 December General Election. He will thereafter serve as my SPAD, after I am elected with an overwhelming majority in the seat of Uxbridge and South Ruislip. This will ensure a smooth transition of power from me to me, with Mr Johnson still worn as the fig leaf over my engorged, sociopathic member.”

But critics have leapt on the assertions and demanded to know how Mr Cummings can predict the future so confidently, when he failed so completely to prepare the UK for the Covid-19 pandemic he claims to have foreseen coming?

In response we imagined an honest reply.

“Who controls the voting system in the House of Commons? Who runs the postal voting system? Who is about to redraw the constituency boundaries? Who has failed to release the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy? Who took the UK out of the EU based on a ‘mandate’ from an advisory referendum so corrupt, had it been legally binding it would have been quashed and re-run? Need I go on. Some things are just a foregone conclusion.”

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Greece READY to deport Dominic Cummings the moment BAN on UK travellers comes into force

KEEP YOUR COVID IN A CASTLE : THE GREEK AUTHORITIES HAVE ISSUED A STATEMENT TODAY, IN ADVANCE OF THEIR BAN ON UK TRAVELLERS TO GREECE THIS HOLIDAY SEASON.

“The UK’s acting prime minister, Dominic Cummings, will be aprehended the moment he attempts to enter Greece,” a border force official said soberly, “we are aware that any law restraining his freedom of movement will be seen as a challenge. We are ready to take him into custody and send him back where he came from.”

The motivation appears to be the roaring success Mr Cummings has made of Covid-19 in the UK, which currently tops the world leagues in excess mortality.

But confusion has arisen over where Mr Cummings will come from? Will it be his London elite Islington address, Durham in general, Chillingdon Castle or Barnard Castle?

What is certain is that he will already have an excuse ready for why his travel was necessary, while 65m+ other UK citizens did as they were told, because they were stupid enough to hold the greater public good to heart.

“Remember, he will probably claim something ridiculous like he was only travelling to Greece because he was concerned that the beaches were running out of sand, or something similar,” the official added, “this assertion is not meant to be taken at face value. It’s purpose is to show you that he holds you in contempt and there’s nothing you can do about it.”

It is expected that numerous Tory Party MPs will also need to be swiftly apprehended and returned. In fact, probably the majority of the current cabinet, judging by the catalogue of unpunished breaches which occurred while the UK government pretended to lockdown.

It’s understood Mr Cummings’ wife is already writing the sequel to her famous Covid-19 fantasy. This is also set in London, while the real action will be happening far, far away.

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Johnson awards Cummings the inaugural “Barnard Castle Award” for services to public health‬

THE WRITING IS ON THE WALL : GREAT NEWS TODAY for lovers of unflushed turds with the announcement that pretend Prime Minister, Boris ‘fark’ Johnson, has awarded his demonic handler, Dominic Cummings, an award for his services to public health.

“The award recognises the reduction in demand in the social care sector particularly,” a source reveals, “while maintaining capacity. Something the NHS proved incapable of, as they’ve been pushing in the wrong direction this whole time. It also recognises the usefulness in public health messaging of a high ranking and completely unaccountable member of the elite making a pig’s ear of clear instructions. Instructions intended to protect yourself, and people you don’t know. What sort of inherently, genetically inferior individual thinks about the welfare of people they don’t know? How does that help excellence rise to the top of the tree of life? How does that help achieve herd immunity?”

The award will be handed over to Mr Cummings by his servant Mr Johnson later this afternoon. The ceremony will replace the standard Tory Party political broadcast at 5pm.

“The Barnard Castle Award for Services to Public Health is world beating,” the source continues, “and it was exceptionally tough to choose the first recipient. We had to consider very carefully whose mind was most accountable for the UK topping the global tables with Covid-19.”

It’s expected Mr Cummings will take the actual award on a road trip. A kind of royal procession up and down the motorways.

“It’s part of levelling up,” the source says, “he can reasonably be argued to have helped level up CV-19 infection rates between London and the North, now he can level up people’s appreciation of his plague endeavours by letting all the little people see the physical trophy. They can even touch it, if they’re lucky.”

As to the trophy itself, it is in the shape of Barnard Castle and was, inevitably, made by global joke Boris Johnson himself out of empty wine crates.

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Downing Street confirm Dominic Cummings was name on ballot paper for Uxbridge GE2019, not Boris Johnson

READ THE FINE PRINT : 10 DOWNING STREET HAVE RELEASED A STATEMENT THIS EVENING, VIA THE CLASSIC ‘SOURCE’, TO CLEAR UP CONFUSION REGARDING THE 2019 DECEMBER GENERAL ERECTION.

“Lately we have been receiving queries regarding the name on the ballot paper for Uxbridge and South Ruislip in the December GE,” the Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we can confirm it was not Boris Johnson, a popular misconception, but Dominic Cummings.”

The reason for the statement is believed to be the result of recent seismograph tests which revealed millions of barely conscious Tory voters bursting into spasms of activity, upon realising who is actually prime minister.

“People’s memories can cloud with time,” the source continued, “just like today. Already people are believing that Prime Minister Cummings’ PA, Boris Johnson, refused to let the science swots answer questions at today’s Covid-19 party political broadcast. This is not the case. Mr Johnson essentially hassled the reporters to ask the science swots questions, before giving up in exasperation and moving on.”

The clarification of historical fact will be welcome to millions of concerned voters, some of who maybe feeling like chumps.

“Everyone (who was paying attention) knew that the name on the ballot paper for Uxbridge and South Ruislip was Dominic Cummings. And whoever he works for. Best not ask about that. Boris Johnson was merely a brand name, or a slogan. He was never going to wield power, apart from the fact he couldn’t be bothered to do the work required for that.”

Whether or not non-party affiliated, spaffing SPAD Mr Cummings will appear on the next GE ballot paper isn’t yet clear.

“It depends whether or not we dispense with the façade of elections altogether. Which given the way we now have things stitched up, a hobbled parliament, a craven cabinet, a curious ownership of postal voting and constituency boundary changes to come, is not entirely certain we need anymore elections at all.”

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Downing St investigation finds Durham Police have broken rule that Don Cumming’s rule is above rule of law

LET THEM EAT APPS : DOWNING STREET HAVE RESPONDED SWIFTLY TO THE INVESTIGATION BY DURHAM POLICE WITH AN INVESTIGATION OF THEIR OWN.

“We have conducted a probe of Durham Police and discovered that too few of the senior staff have received gongs,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we’re sure this can be corrected if they rectify the surprisingly limited amount of whitewash they keep in stock.”

The object of the probe was to determine if Durham police had broken one of the newer laws of the land by investigating the actions of unelected PM Dominic Cummings.

“Clearly it was a significant breach to even query the behaviour of God,” the source continued, “as God is above the laws of man. To compound that error by finding that God did breach the Covid-19 lockdown regulations was a grievous error that will go unforgiven. I would expect Durham to suffer a plague of locusts now. Perhaps even a great flood. Never forget that there is one rule for mankind and a very different rule of God, aka Dominic Cummings.”

What sanctions will be applied to the actual officers who conducted the investigation into Mr Cummings isn’t yet clear, but rumours are they may have to host Boris Johnson to dinner.

“He’ll be bringing his dad, who also breached guidelines designed to save lives, and perhaps Dylin the dog, dependent on whether or not the prop dog is booked anywhere else that day. That should be punishment enough to ensure no further mistakes are made.”

In the interim the Durham Police have been put into special measures, with Downing Street sending up Mark Francois to take personal control of the police.

“Those that make the laws don’t have to follow them,” the source added, “why do you think we’ve spent so long messing about with behavioural science, even though the actual science of infectious disease spread is very well understood? It’s because we can’t trust ourselves to obey the laws we make, so we can hardly trust everyone else.”

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First people to use new CV-19 trace and track app surprised to receive order of pizza

THE GHOST OF GRAYLING : THE GOVERNMENT HAS LAUNCHED ITS NEW TRACK, TRACE AND ISOLATE SYSTEM TODAY WITH MUCH FANFARE.

“We’re only months behind the rest of the world,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but that’s because we took time to get it right. By allowing 60,000 people to die first means the workload for our tracers will be more manageable, and there will be less mistakes.”

And while the system won’t be fully operational for sometime, people can be reassured that the private companies enjoying the contracts will presumably be lining their pockets the entire time.

“That’s one of the tangible benefits of managing this pandemic in a way that allows it to play out much longer than less intelligent countries,” the source continued, “are you aware of the eyewatering shift of public funds to private pockets, regardless of outcomes? It’s world beating.”

But it hasn’t all being smooth sailing on launch day. The early adopters of Dom’s mind mining app have all received some unexpected results.

“I received a Hawaiian pizza,” Mr Sellby, Date Cottage, Pizzachester reports, “moments after I entered my symptoms of blurry eyesight and an irresistible urge to take a 260 mile drive. But then I read the t&c’s and discovered they were copied from a takeaway firm’s leaflet, and it all made sense.”

But Mr Sellby was lucky, relative to others.

“I entered my symptoms of a desire to use a public asset reserved for heads of state to gaslight the country, specifically to show them who is in control of their lives now,” Mrs P Pe, Contagious-on-Why reveals, “and then I discovered some chaps painting a red cross over my front door. Apparently God is going to spare my first born, or something.”

Update of the system is expected to be ramped up over coming weeks and ordinary citizens will do their civic duty.

“Dominic Cummings won’t personally be using the app,” the source adds, “because he’s already driven CV-19 up and down the country, potentially infected god knows how many. But that’s not a resigning issue. It’s time to move on, we’re bored of Barnard Castle, we’re thinking of visiting Leeds.”

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Dominic Cummings allows Queen to exercise in Buckingham Palace gardens

REAL MEN DON’T LOOK BACK AT EXPLOSIONS : THE UK’S HEAD OF STATE, DOMINIC “CONTEMPT OF EVERYTHING” CUMMINGS has made a pleasing gesture towards his government’s ceremonial figurehead.

In an announcement earlier today he said he will allow the shambling haystack that fulfils the role of puppet prime minister out to play. He will be however confined to an area with limited chance of meeting a member of the public, so as to avoid spontaneous booing, and somewhere where a close eye can be kept on him, even if he thinks no one is watching.

“Boris is like a puppy,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street’s chief told LCD Views, “he’s full of boundless energy. If we don’t let him burn some of it off he starts chewing people’s shoes and the housetraining goes right out the window. Currently slinking away and pulling waitresses is not possible, we’ve decided to let him out to run about. Now and then. In the hope he doesn’t hump the beanbags.”

The exercise will be off leash due to the good security and high walls of Buckingham Palace.

“There’s no way he could climb over them. Not in his condition.”

As to whether or not there were any targets for the exercise, steps or miles etc, we decided to ask the holder of the once powerful, but now symbolic role, of prime minister himself.

“Woof. Woof! Grrrrrr. Woof!”

We wiped the slobber off, had the response translated and discovered he said,

“Oh, I’m not allowed to set any targets anymore, that’s for my owner to do.”