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Now “pointless” to publish Intel Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy as “UK no longer a democracy”

START ON 23/06/16 AND MOVE FORWARD : FOREIGN (TO GEOGRAPHY) SECRETARY DOMINIC RAAB has addressed the matter of the long overdue Intelligence Report into Russian Interference into UK Democracy today.

“While our security correspondent has only seen Twitter takes on Dom’s tele outing this morning,” LCD Views Foreign Affairs Editor comments, “and by seen I mean the most cursory of glances, we feel confident we can make up the entire story. Laced with some facts of course, as is standard.”

And the story appears to be welcome clarification as to why the government has not yet released the report.

“Don’t listen to the explanation that it can’t be released because the Intelligence Committee hasn’t yet been reformed, following last December’s election,” our correspondent comments, “that’s clearly a load of bollocks as it’s up to Prime Minister Cummings to form the committee. Classic gaslighting of the public.”

That makes sense, although doesn’t sound much like democracy. It’s a wonder MPs put up with it? Frogs in the slow boiling pot?

“There’s also the matter that there may actually be nothing to see in the report, apart from a rather lengthy list of donations from Kremlin linked figures to the Conservatives. And given Corbyn’s former spin doctor/handler is not exactly bereft of Putin associations, maybe it’s a cross party initiative? Bloody embarrassing for all concerned? Best keep it under wraps and hope the public forget all about it? Which, given they’ll all be jobless, CV-19 wracked and in socially distanced food ration queues shortly, it’s not a bad tactic.”

But surely there’s a better explanation?

“Personally I’d go for it being pointless,” our correspondent comments, “mostly due to having an inappropriate title. Once you allow the future direction of your entire country to be decided on a criminally corrupted, advisory referendum you don’t get to call yourself a democracy. Not in any meaningful sense. Round of applause for parliament please, while we still have it.”

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Driver of PM’s security detail ordered to drive to Barnard Castle for eye test after Westminster car crash

MAGOO LIMO SERVICES 4 U : Rumours are swirling within the Westminster support bubble today over the identity of the driver involved in yesterday’s Westminster car crash.

“There is no suggestion that the prime minister was driving the car,” a 10 Downing Street source said, off the record, and without prompting, “the blood alcohol level of the driver must at all times be zero. Not that there is any suggestion the PM attempted to drive drunk at PMQs yesterday. Even though he may (or may not) personally believe he governs better after a few glasses of Dom.”

But in spite of what, on the surface, seems an unnecessary denial, speculation continues to bubble under the surface, and the bubbles continue to pop.

“Government by car crash is very apt,” our own Westminster bubble watcher comments, “as everything this government does is a car crash. It’s been that way since 2015, and in many areas it’s been that way since 2010. So it’s nice of them to get it on film.”

Other suggestions that Prince Phillip was the driver have also been dismissed.

But whether or not any disciplinary action will be taken is not clear, as it’s always possible it was Dominic Cummings at the wheel.

“Nothing will happen if it’s Cummings,” the Downing Street source added, “he is above reproach in all matters. In fact it was clearly a test of the structural integrity of the security vehicle.”

But there is an additional rumour that “just to be on the safe side”, the nameless driver has been ordered to drive to Barnard Castle today, regardless of their CV-19 status.

“They’ll go there for an eye test, wee in the bushes, and come straight back.”

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Edward Colston knighted after achieving more in death than he did in life

MAKING A SPLASH: Edward Colston, the very late cruel bastard slave trader and guilt ridden philanthropist, is to receive a knighthood.

The justification for ennobling Colston is for his valiant, if fortuitous, contribution to race relations. In this one act of self sacrifice, he achieved more than he ever achieved during his lifetime.

It is a worthy man indeed who permits himself to be humiliated for the good of mankind. Whenever the next time comes to dole out gongs, Colston’s name will be at the top of the list.

Needless to say, the Crime Minister, Boris Johnson, was delighted. “I say, jolly good show, old chap,” he wibbled, as his driver exchanged details with the man in the black suit and dark glasses from the following Range Rover. “Dashed bad luck, that prang, I must tell the coachman to select the red, white and blue car next time.”

Tell us your thoughts on the Colston knighthood.

“Excellent, superb, magnificent,” he enthused. “I only heard about this hi jinks yesterday, same as that Daniel Rashford malarkey. In his honour, we will bring back slavery as soon as… excuse me one moment…” He put his hand to his earpiece and listened. “Great, great, thanks Dom. I mean, isn’t it fantastic that we are all talking about equal rights for our dusky friends?”

How do you propose to Knight a dead man? Again he listened to the voice in his ear.

“Dom will, er, wibble, er, that is to say, I will, er, yes that’s it, instruct Nigel Farage to sail to the docks in his wanky little migrant boat, and retrieve the statue,” he stammered. “It will be erected again in the House of Lords, most of them are living statues anyway! Hee hee hee!”

He ambled back to the dented car, the grubby business of apportioning blame and appointing lawyers over.

“No more questions,” he said. “Snack, tennis, nap. I’m a busy man!”

Edward Colston achieved in a few short minutes what four years of arguing could never do. His vacant plinth will remain as a monument to the vacuum at the heart of government.

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Boris Johnson says he only found out “Dominic Cummings is prime minister” today

THE POWER BEHIND THE THRONE : The hay baled, shamble haired, spunk bucket of British politics, Boris Johnson, has spoken publicly about a lightbulb moment he’s experienced today.

The barely coherent utterances happened during one of Mr Johnson‘s rare conscious moments when he appeared, under duress and allegedly under the influence (of so many dark forces), to address his party’s sadness at having to feed hungry children.

“Like Theseus ascending Mount Porphyria, which we all recall as vividly as the day we used a new boy to clench tight a hot crumpet, a vision was waiting at the top of the summit,” Mr Johnson declared, bleary eyed and with a fearful glance at PMQs.

It wasn’t entirely clear what he was alluding to at first, although that is par for course, if the header for any speech wasn’t in bold and large font above him, no one would ever know the subject under consideration.

“And like the Ancient Greek wayfarer I too have experienced a revelation as if Mercury himself had dug out the kilogram of beeswax in my ear and whispered intelligence, briefly, into it.”

At this stage in the press conference it was still unclear what exactly he was talking about. The only certainty being that it wasn’t specifically about U.K.-EU relations as Mr Johnson had yet to employ a daft and vapid cliche.

“Dom! Dom! For whom the bell of doom Doms!” the obliterated conscience of long decayed imperial power blurted, “We are in the time of Cummings! Not of Johnsons! I only just learnt it today when he shocked me out of my fully steeped stupor with the cattle prod of DOMination in his hands. Which was a bit frisky for early morning, or mid afternoon to you.”

For some in the room it was still hazy. What was the megalomaniacal pustule of piffle referring to?

“Oh, he’s just worked out Dom is prime minister,” one hack realised. A revelation only to the “prime minister”.

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Boris Johnson to build “The Colossus of Dover” – 108ft statue of Churchill facing FRANCE

BY HIS DEEDS WILL HE BE BLOWN : BORIS JOHNSON is seeking to capitalise today on the successful campaign to distract from the BLM campaign for racial equality.

“The furore over the statue of Winston Churchill in Westminster was a real triumph,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it’s completely muddied the waters, more so even than the Bristol Harbour when Colston was thrown in.”

To profit from this Mr Johnson is said to be planning to indulge one of his long running, monumental fantasies.

“We’re going to model the Churchill statue on the Colossus of Rhodes,” the source continues, “one of the seven wonders of the ancient world. This will be a modern wonder. It’ll really put Global Britain on the map. And what’s more, it’ll show the bloody French who they’re dealing with post Brexit! No chance of them dominating the trade land bridge between Dover and Calais with Winston towering over the Channel. Raab is beside himself over it. He wants to cut the ribbon.”

But controversy has already besieged the plan, with leaked designs showing the giant statue boxed, fridges if you like, but no door for him to get out. Permanently captured by Tory propaganda.

“Look. We’ve measured it in feet and not metres. What more do people want? And with permanent hoarding no statue protestor is going to be able to deface the statue. And think of the jobs that will be created? The small family firm which has been given the construction contract is over the moon. It’s a big step up for them from building garden sheds. There’s so much to be pleased about.”

The cost of the Colossus of Dover is also cheap, compared to Brexit.

“The project will run for years, with no end in sight, and cost £350m per week. Better spent in Dover than ferried over to Brussels! Take that Junker!”

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Boris Johnson refuses to feed poor children over the summer, explaining that he never feeds his own

To feed, or not to feed: that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the main to suffer the slings and arrows of outraged families – or, by opposing, end them.

“There is never enough money to do everything that we want to do,” explained Past His Prime Minister, Boris Johnson. “I don’t even feed my own children, why should I feed anyone else’s? It’s just spaffing money up the wall.”

You can see his point. The food voucher scheme costs about £20m a week. This is a huge slice of the £350m a week that the NHS isn’t actually getting. To put it into context, the money saved from cancelling the voucher scheme over the summer would pay for the much needed new royal yacht.

Feeding his children is a logistical challenge for Johnson in any case. There are complicated alimony agreements to negotiate. There is the problem of discerning whether a given child is one of his. There are children that definitely exist, but whom he doesn’t acknowledge. Then there is Wilfred, whom he acknowledges, but who probably doesn’t exist. It’s a tricky one.

Added to this confusion is the insistence from rational, empathetic people that the scheme should continue. Foremost of these is footballer Marcus Rashford. He made an intelligent, passionate case which Johnson naturally dismissed.

“He’s a soccer player and a picaninny, isn’t he?” Johnson waffled to anybody who cared to listen. “Where does he play? What? He’s a striker and a left winger? Sounds like those ghastly miner chappies that Margaret – dear Margaret – had so much trouble with. If that sort of person is in favour, then there is no way I can support it. Time for my nap! Wiff waff wiff waff!”

Back to the fridge, then. At least this way our children will become thin enough to fit up the chimneys this winter.

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“If you feed a hungry child one day they’ll just come back for more” – Tory MP makes sense of meals policy

MORE, YOU WANT MORE : THE CONSERVATIVE MP for the picture postcard district of Hunger-on-Why, Sir Toby Fullbeli-nondom-Ridiculius-Max, has been sent out today to explain the Johnson government’s decision over summer school meals.

“It’s learning that makes you hungry,” he told a compliant BBC show, “and during the long, glorious ENGLISH summer months poor children won’t be learning anything, clearly, they will be on whatever digital leisure device my taxes bought them. It’s hard enough to get the little buggers to receive an education at the best of times. All this moaning about food. Have you seen my collection of rare Albanian ivory? Family obsession. Began in the Crimean War. What were we talking about? Let’s put a tiger in that tank! Oompf!”

And while the government spokesman is perfectly sensible, there is now a rumbling political furore over Boris Johnson’s refusal to reverse the meals policy.

Some useful suggestions have come forward, from the Conservative Party, such as poor children to be sent a copy of ‘Oliver Twist’, to nourish their souls. Also that they may like to have a whip around and then donate the proceeds to the Conservative Party, the better to influence policy. Or even set up a pest control company and bid for a PPE contract. If successful the untold riches that would flow their way will more than pay for lunch.

Although that option is said to be disliked by 10 Downing Street, due to the risk of creating social mobility.

“He doesn’t feed his own children why the bally hell should he feed yours?” Sir Toby continued, reasonably enough, “children need to learn the value of hard work. Just like I did, and my chums. You try managing the man that manages your 13,000 hectare estate day in and day out? Bloody hard work. When I inherited Bilehead Hall, after my eldest brother was disinherited because of his stubborn refusal to call off his marriage to that exotic lass, I took on the full responsibility. Just you see the mess it would become if some low born child tried this? No stomach for the graft you see. It’s in the genes. Transportation was too good for them. You can’t cure that class. Born that way. Part of God’s plan. Burrrrrrrrp!”

But with the government digging in, and displaying once again an unexpected feature of Boris Johnson’s politics, that of unnecessarily wasting political capital (by the truckload), it’s been left to footballers to fill the policy void.

“You see that’s what really rubs us the wrong way. Some chap who was born poor trying to dictate policy to his betters? Merely because he’s got his hands on some money? New money, what do you expect? It’ll be the end of Great Britain if we let ball players force our hand. Heaven forbid! Good thing the football is back on. Bread and circuses! That’s what the country needs. Well, circuses. Not bread, clearly. Crickey. Don’t eat leftover pheasant for breakfast. I don’t half have some indigestion this morning. Besides, if you feed a hungry child one day, they’ll just be back the next for more. Nurse! My pills! Where in blazes is my nurse?!”

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Brexit : Johnson tells EU “put a tiger in the tank” – claiming status as the thick man of Europe

THE SUN NEVER SETS : BRITISH PM BORIS JOHNSON HAS RATTLED THE CAGE OF THE EUROCRATS TODAY as negotiations over a future relationship between the UK and the EU resumed.

“The EU always caves at the last moment to a power slogan,” a Downing Street insider said, “just ask that famous academic of EU operations, David Davis. We all remember his star turn as Brexit negotiator. So successful he had to resign over the deal he himself negotiated, in order to spend time rewriting his personal history. Or if you really are in the mood for a good lobotomy, Owen Patterson. There’s a link to a Katya Adler podcast featuring them both below. The heights of blithe, entitled idiocy those two great British statesmen have achieved is a complete neural toxin.”

https://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/m000jmmc

And it is a well trodden path in British EU lore that the world’s largest trade power bloc always caves at the last moment.

“It’s not because they’re mature and grown up and believe at the end of the day working across borders is preferable to stubborn isolationism founded on a complete misunderstanding of the modern world. No, they leave that to the Brexiters.”

But one thing is more certain than what deal, or no deal, will be achieved by the ongoing negotiations, and that’s that Mr Johnson will spend most of the remaining time asleep. Waking up now and then to do some talking in case anyone is watching.

“No deal is better than a bad deal”, that classic of Theresa May’s time ruining the country’s reputation internationally by attrition, to add to her racially focused immigration policies (what a legacy), is also likely to get trotted out as the deadline to negotiations, self imposed by the UK, looms.

But surely the unfolding disaster of Covid-19 could see one of the most famous, “the sick man of Europe”, reapplied to the UK?

“Highly likely,” our Downing Street source agreed, “but it’s going to get a new twist, as the damage of Boris Johnson’s premiership rains down at home. Before long everyone will be calling him the thick man of Europe. Something he can properly own, without trying harder than he currently is.”

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Boris Johnson eases lockdown to “one affair at a time with one person from one other household”

SUPPORT BUBBLES : The UK’s world beating shagger, the Prime Minister, has further eased the UK’s CV-19 lockdown measures today, after taking personal control.

The easing has added to the smirking of the sniggering classes and their suggestion that each lockdown ease is only predicated on Tory MP lifestyles. Nevertheless the PM is ploughing ahead.

“In what some pent up Tory MPs are calling a long overdue relaxing of a rule that no one with a heart would have brought in anyway, the move to allow affairs to resume has been broadly welcomed within the Tory Party,” our 10 Downing Street source reports, “it should be noted that the scientists have not been consulted. But they’ve outlived their usefulness, PR wise, anyway after they realised they were going to be stitched up for the government’s disaster out CV-19 management.

“But there is some concern the easing doesn’t go far enough,” he continues, “as numerous MPs appear to be conducting numerous affairs.”

But all is not lost, and all is definitely not found, as a keen eye over the regulations reveals some heartening fine print.

“The affairs are to be counted in what is called the Reverse Hancock. This means that frustrated, and overly sexed, MPs can conduct multiple affairs, so long as they’re aren’t on the same day. So theoretically an affair conducted on a Monday still counts as one, even if Tuesday and Wednesday and on, the affairs are with different people. It’s still just one. As the daily total is what counts, not the capacity.”

The UK’s transport tzar is said to be especially pleased, as concerns about masses of frustrated MPs driving to Barnard Castle to test their eyes, after so long in confinement, are now also relaxed.

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Breaking : Churchill statue actually hidden from view after it criticised Dominic Cummings

BREAKING BRITAIN : DOWNING STREET HAS ISSUED an urgent clarification regarding the statue of Winston Churchill in central London, the statue they are glad everyone is talking about rather than the urgent issue of institutional racism in the UK.

“For the last day or two people have been talking about the statue of Winston Churchill,” a Downing Street source said, “this is great! They’re not talking about Black Lives Matter(ing) if they’re talking about WW2. Unfortunately this seismic global conflict is little discussed in the United Kingdom today. We blame ourselves for that. Recent statistics indicate that representatives of HMG, and right wing media pundits, allowed several seconds to pass last week when no one invoked WW2. We will do better. But, while you’re here, we do need to clear up a common misconception that appears to be taking root within the population.”

Is it that you do not want far right protests in central London to distract from the urgent cause of BLM?

“Hardly. Have you looked at the diversity of thought in government? No. It’s about the hoarding placed around Winston Churchill. It is not meant to resemble a monument to Boris Johnson, hiding in a fridge, even though it does.”

Is that the clarification? I can see why you’ve said something. It was looking pretty funny.

“No. That is not the clarification. The statue of Winston Churchill, who singlehandedly won WW2, while waiting for the Commonwealth, US, a goodly majority of European peoples, and Russia to turn up, was covered for an entirely different reason.”

Oh. And that is?

“It criticised Dominic Cummings. So like the Chief Nurse and certain scientists, whose names will be erased from the official records, it has been disappeared.”

Crikey. What did the statue say?

“The statue didn’t say anything. Winston Churchill himself did to Dom while he was having one of his visionary dreams. Basically it was an act of treason and Mr Churchill is now as gone as a Tory MP in 2019 suggesting we shouldn’t completely crash the economy. And let that be a lesson to the rest of you!”