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Robert Jenrick approves plan to redevelop David Cameron’s shed as S&M Superstore

DESTINY IS ALL : PRIME MINISTER DOMINIC CUMMINGS is said to be feeling a little cheesed off today after Secretary of State for Housing, Communities and Local Government, Robert Jenrick, continues to steal the headlines for another day.

“Robby is only a pup,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but he’s already amassed quite a list of achievements in the Toryverse. So many questionable decisions while in government, such contempt for the law [allegedly], so many interesting links to interesting people. He even went to the Trump inauguration. Which doubled the crowd size. Quite the overachiever.”

But the latest story to hit the headlines involves Britain’s greatest former prime minister, David Cameron, and his plans to redevelop his shepherd’s hut shed as an S&M Superstore.

Initially his local council refused permission, citing public health concerns, but then Dave and Robert had lunch. It’s been plain sailing ever since.

“The headline is a little inaccurate,” the source continues, “as I don’t think anything will be being sold at any visit, well, not in a retail sense. But if you like leveraging your accident of birth to make the less fortunate suffer, it’s going to get the blood racing. And clearly if you examine David Cameron’s premiership he’s the one who deserves the credit for beginning what is now fire sale UK. Roll up! Roll up! Everything must go! Steam train entering a tunnel type stuff for modern Conservatives.”

But thanks to an imagined FOI request (mostly imagined because it was successful and not just hundreds of ‘redacted’ pages) LCD Views are able to reveal details of the planning application.

“It’s modern Tory fetish fun time. Multiple levels with audio-visual displays of food banks. Liz Truss tweeting about trade. Dominic Raab’s pulsating vein up close and coming in and out of focus like a 60’s psychedelic short film. Boris Johnson’s short film about “How I learned to give up the search for the G Spot and just keep shagging”, the criminality of the EU ref. Robert himself meeting with various billionaires who have issues with local councils and planning regulations. The despair of millions now suffering daily thanks to the only real motivation of their government being the movement of public cash to private pockets. It’s intensely arousing watching offshore bank accounts swell, swell and swell. You’ll need a shower afterwards.”

And seeing as it’s 2020 will there be a statue erected at the entrance?

“Yes. David Cameron holding a pig, in brass. Well, the neck is brass, the rest of it is just bullshit.”

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Boris Johnson ends daily briefings beLIEving everyone is as bored of dead people as he is

SICK SENSE : Get out of here! No one cares anymore. These two statements appear to be the premise for the decision to end the daily Covid-19 press briefings, and not the fact that the scientists just can’t take it anymore.

“It’s really very tedious,” a 10 Downing Street source commented, “we thought getting members of the public to submit questions, rather then so called journalists, would liven it up a little, but even then there weren’t enough questions about Mr Johnson’s choice of shampoos.”

How members of the public will get their daily updates as to the status of the Covid-19 pandemic in the U.K. now isn’t clear though.

“Just look at the situation in comparable industrialised countries and extrapolate it exponentially for the worse,” the source suggests, “we’ve filled our boots off the back of it, now it’s just zzzz dead people, predominantly poor, I mean we’ve got the sell off of the NHS to focus on. Fish to fry. British fish.”

It is though unclear if Mr Johnson’s boredom over the plague is shared broadly, with it seems many U.K. voters weirdly believing the PM should be both visible and accountable in times of national crisis.

“That’s the peasantry for you,” the source added, “if they wanted a visible and accountable prime minister why the hell did they elect Johnson?”

Now with Covid-19 consigned to just a fact of daily life, the public can go back to the pub and wait to see what Johnson tires of next, if even a mountain of dead can’t hold his interest.

“Brexit. That’s next. All those endless international treaty negotiations, it’s enough to put old Bojo into a coma. Bread and circuses, that’s what the country needs. And not just any circuses. World beating circuses. Wouldn’t get too hung up on the bread though. Not with leaving the single market and customs union coming up next.”

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U.K. celebrates 4th anniversary of taking back control from tyrannical unelected bureaucrats in Brussels

GIVE IT AWAY GIVE IT AWAY NOW : 23rd June 2016 is now firmly established as the day Global Britons took back control from the unaccountable, unelected bureaucrats in Brussels.

“But the people voted to take back control,” our 10 Downing Street source commented, quoting a now retired BBC4 Today programme host, “so it doesn’t matter what happens afterwards.”

What the country will do to mark the 4th anniversary isn’t clear, as no national celebration has been planned, but our in house experts have some good advice.

Suggestions for how to celebrate Brexit Day 2020 :

  1. Spend the day punching yourself in the face.
  2. Spend the day depriving EU27 citizens of their rights, after they were promised “nothing would change”. Be sure to feel pride in your British exceptionalism as you do, just don’t expect it to now be easy to trade with, or travel to France, Italy, Germany, Spain…well, the cost of victory is worth it, Global Britons, open to the world, betraying millions who settled in the UK legally and in good faith. We did this Global Britons, all together.
  3. Spend the day punching yourself in the face.
  4. Take a “Cooking With Chlorine” course.
  5. Spend the day punching yourself in the face.
  6. If you have several millions to spare, why not apply for a burgundy passport from a small, cash strapped EU state? Then you can laugh at poorer Brits in airport queues shelling out for visas, insurance and all the other things they’d taken for granted.
  7. Spend the day punching yourself in the face.
  8. Shove a massive cactus up your backside and sit down on a hard surface, then punch yourself in the face.
  9. Read the Conservative Party election manifesto for the 2019 general election. This is equivalent to punching yourself in the face. Follow that up with understanding the transfer of power to Boris and chums via the legislation for exiting the EU. This will be two black eyes.
  10. See suggestion No. 1. Rinse and repeat.

Once you have exhausted the list, if you’re at a loose end, and you can still see clearly, take some time to consider Dominic Cummings and who has really taken back control of the UK via Brexit.

Oh, and No. 11 – Bake a sovereignty cake and share it with your neighbours. Happy Brexit Day Global Britons. It’s time to pause and think on your achievements and what you’re going to do about them going forward.

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Trump brand sippy cups go on sale at MAGA rally – only available in adult sizes

WHAT’S THE SOUND OF ONE HAND FLAPPING : Attendees at US President Donald Trump’s 1930’s tribute rallies are used to merchandising opportunities, but over the weekend at Tulsa a new line took centre stage.

“The decision to retail Trump brand sippy cups was taken by Mr Trump himself,” a small, swivel eyed sprite from a deep circle of Hell told LCD Views, “why just get the tee-shirt? When you can have an appropriately modelled cup to drink your kool aid from?”

Indeed.

“The cups are only available as sippy cups, the better to honour Mr Trump’s display of leadership where he drank a glass of water with one hand! What better qualification do you need for the man who has the nuclear codes?”

The water drinking performance has gone a long way to dispel rumours that Mr Trump is suffering from a degenerative neurological condition in addition to his narcissism, racism, rage, short attention span, sociopathy and all the rest. Look! Man in his seventies holds cup, drinks and doesn’t spill! Of course he had to throw it away after as he doesn’t have the coordination required to place it on a table.”

And while some may believe it’s unbecoming to focus on what is clearly now a disease, we won’t even use Mr Trump famously mocking a disabled reporter in his 2016 election campaign as a defence. After all, he did that with two hands.

“Do you want a famously stable genius, occupying arguably the most powerful public office in the world, to be hiding a disease that is slowly crippling him mentally? While he’s running for another term of office? Well, do you? It depends on how much MAGA you’ve got in your cup.”

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Colston statue replaced with tribute to UK media turning BLM protests into debate about statues of old white men

WE’RE NOT RACISTS BUT : THE UK MEDIA IS IN FOR A STANDING AWARD AFTER A DECISION TAKEN AT THE HIGHEST LEVELS OF GOVERNMENT.

“Just because we haven’t addressed the gross injustices visited upon the Windrush Generation, done much at all about Grenfell or bothered to have anything other than ‘diversity of thought’ at the very top, doesn’t mean we can’t hunt down the protestors who threw Edward Colston into Bristol Harbour,” a representative for the Home Office told LCD Views. “Slavers should stand on plinths. It’s about who we are and where we’re going as a nation. Any fool can see that. It’s about values and how we express them.”

The spokesman went on to give a nod to Brexit, which has made pretty much every UK racist exceptionally happy, and to the fact that we have Boris “some of my best friends are” Johnson as prime minister. This is spite of long and shameful history of use of racist tropes.

“There’s really only one way we can think to honour the regression we’ve achieved as a country over the last decade, in the service of hard right billionaires stirring up ethno-nationalism to protect their tax havens, and that’s with a statue.”

The statue will be raised on the plinth that the old slaver Colston stood upon.

“The design is a bit tricky, as we have so much of the MSM and commentators to thank for manipulating a potentially tricky national debate about racial equality into one solely concerned with the fate of statues of long dead white men, some of whom were actually rather racist. I mean whose life is more important here? Black people suffering through institutional racism or long dead white men, some of whom were slavers? Global Britain.”

A ‘Clap for Colston’ is also planned, mostly as a dead cat, just as soon as Prime Minister Cummings believes it’s appropriate.

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Tory MPs opening Parler accounts because Twitter isn’t racist enough

MASS MIGRATION: Many Tory MPs and right wing commentators have had enough of certain social media networks. They are concerned about the amount of racism on Twitter, and feel that there isn’t enough.

Trouble is, on Twitter you get all these snotty snowflake lefty Telegraph reading types who disagree with you. This is not good for democracy, argues at least one Tory MP, who has abandoned Twitter for good. Instead, he is now spouting his bile on the Trump-friendly Parler platform.

“Free speech is vital for my ego,” claims Tory MP Rich Liszt. “It is important that I make my points on social media without a pile-on from loads of traitors and bleeding heart BLM whingers deflecting from my core message. This is why I am now on Parler.”

In other words, you just want an echo chamber where everyone will agree with you?

“Not at all,” said Liszt. “I didn’t come into politics to have a debate about what are, after all, traditional British values. I want to remind the great unwashed of the right and proper way to think!”

Isn’t dissent good for debate, sharpening up issues, compromise?

“What are you, some kind of subversive?” growled Liszt. “We don’t want people to think. We want them to get angry and then react.”

Like your followers, who find a picture of a woman enjoying an ice lolly offensive, but are fine with a pissed up yob urinating next to a memorial?

“Exactly the sort of people this country needs,” agrees Liszt. “This is a platform to discuss good, old-fashioned British attitudes. Where dusky types know their place, which is either Nambia, or else cleaning my mansions!”

On a zero hours contract, no doubt.

“Contract?” exploded Liszt. “They will do as they are told, since they would be my property. White people matter, and we need to Take Back Control from all the dirty foreigners polluting this great country with their disgusting liberal ideas!”

Just wait until he finds out that the word Parler is actually French.

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Boris Johnson to build test and trace app from empty wine crates

HMS BALDERDASH : CHIN UP GLOBAL BRITONS and get ready to take it with an app!

That’s right, an app! Not a nap. Who do you think you are, the prime minister?

Speaking of which, great news today, coming hot on the heels of the disaster of the Cummings’ Corp “NHS” track and trace app is a new initiative to deliver this vital, viral tech.

“Boris Johnson is to now take control of developing the test and track app,” an aide working closely for PM Dom told LCD Views, “he’s been drinking non-stop to gather the raw materials.”

And reportedly there’s now raw materials aplenty inside 10 Downing Street and Boris “Shaggy Shagger” Johnson is hard at work.

Hard at work with the arts and crafts.

“He’s building the app from empty wine crates right now. It’ll be ready any minute.”

But will one app do for 65m+ people?

“About as well as herd immunity,” the source goes on, “which some could be forgiven for thinking has always been the plan.”

But still, only one app?

“Yes. And the PM is selflessly allowing everyone else to take their turn first. No chance of the missus tracking old Boris in case he needs to find a new support bubble, if he doesn’t have the app.”

Clever thinking.

But how will we know when it’s our turn to use the app?

“Simple. A little picture of you will be painted on the side.“

It’s almost as if as with the story about building buses from empty wine crates, the PM is once again taking everyone for a ride. Oompf!

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Boris Johnson app revealed to be a pregnancy test

WORLD BEATING : The great British public is soon to get a digital discharge onto every handheld device, and tablet, with the release of the “Boris Johnson app”.

The new app will be installed on every device in the UK, and potentially even overseas (depending on Mr Johnson’s schedule) much in the way U2 famously gave everyone an album, whether they wanted it or not.

The Boris Johnson app is believed to have been developed by a data firm closely related to Mr Johnson’s SPAD, Dominic Cummings. Which appears to be the way of things in the UK these days.

“We’re not trying to redesign the wheel this time,” a spokesman for the company concerned, Difficulty, told LCD Views, “we’ve just taken an open source code and rebadged it. Dom’s not entirely happy about that. It doesn’t really let him display his genius, but time is of the essence. Oh, and this hasn’t saved the public any money, we’ve still taken millions, but it’s made us a lot more efficient in the banking of the transfer.”

But early testing of the app has led to some confusion over its intended purpose?

“It appears to be just a pregnancy test?” one focus group participant told us. “I don’t know why I need it? I’ve already had a vasectomy, which is something I would recommend for Mr Johnson.”

Family planning advice to one side, they don’t know why they need it because they haven’t been paying attention.

“Oh wait, now I get it. It’s because Johnson is screwing the entire country.”

And we’re all now anxious and pregnant with expectation of what comes next…

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“NHS Matt” – Health Secretary rebrands to build on success of “NHS test and trace app”

DO OVER GIVE OVER : THE UK’S WORLD BEATING HEALTH AND SOCIAL CARE SECRETARY, MATT “THOSE MEN WHO DIED ON THE BEACHES” HANCOCK has announced he’s switching things up a bit.

“This will build on the success of my personal app, Matt the app,” Mr Hancock told LCD Views, “by ramping up and bolting on the success I’ve made with the NHS test and trace app. World beating. Did I say that already? World beating. Look into my eyes. Don’t look anywhere but into my eyes.”

Clearly the decision to rebrand himself as “NHS Matt” will have some detractors, not least because Matt is such a disaster, much like the test and trace app.

“Do you still not get it?” he gave us a pitying look, and moved a little closer, “the whole point of wasting months and millions in public cash pretending to develop a world beating NHS test and trace app was to begin the rebranding of the NHS. It has far too many positive connotations for a complete and final sell off, yet. But a bit more oompf spent on creating new associations and the sell off will meet with general public compliance. Disaster capitalism 101. It really isn’t rocket science, unlike building an app.”

The failure to deliver the NHS app has also helped in the broader work done managing Covid-19 in the UK.

“We really can’t have a working app as it will undermine the entire premise of our approach to Covid-19,” Matt added, “be much harder to achieve our goal of herd immunity with an actual working test and trace app. Just take a moment to think about that?”

We will do! Thanks NHS Matt (the app)!

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BREAKING : PM’s plane will be repainted with icons symbolising his achievements

BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR WE’LL ALL BE MILLIONAIRES : DROWNING STREET has confirmed this morning that the highly popular plan to repaint the PM’s plane, in a patriotic pattern, has been ditched.

“We couldn’t source the required amount of red, white and blue striped paint,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “in spite of giving some mate of Dom’s (with a recently opened model aeroplane shop) a £108m contract for the paint. Without tender clearly, national emergency, time was of the essence. Still, we have no regrets. Public money has moved to private pockets. On any reasonable measure that’s a success.”

But the revised paint plan will at least silence critics, who are becoming increasingly focused on the way in which the Johnson administration dolls out public money like it’s candy, with no perceivable concern about outcomes.

“We’re not going to bother with the Union Jacks on the fuselage now,” the source shrugged, “I hope that keeps everyone happy? To be fair it would have been a bit pointless. We’ll be having to repaint it with just the Saint George cross shortly. So a plain plane it is. We can do that very simply. We’re going to paint a list of Boris Johnson’s achievements on it. Or more accurately, iconography depicting his premiership.”

While the icons are selected and stuck on a public consultation will be held to rename the PM’s plane, in the manner of Airforce One.

“AirFarce Dumb is currently the most popular. Although personally I favour ConAir. I really like the movie.”

Look up in the sky, is it a bird, is it a plane? Or is it another massive waste of taxpayer’s money?