LCD Views

SOME VICTORIES ARE GRATER THAN OTHERS : The UK’s Home Secretary, the disgraced former Secretary for International Development, Priti ‘smirk’ Patel, is reported to be in a highly agitated and confused state today.

The reason for the distress is said to be the result of her leading the charge to end Freedom of Movement in Europe.

“It’s the usually bullying from Brussels,” an aide working closely with Patel told LCD Views, “they are refusing to acknowledge the primacy of British law over the continent. It’s rather pathetic and won’t help them one jot in their mad scramble to get a deal.”

But critics have pointed out that Mrs Patel may feel less confused if she understood the basic reality of what the UK has just ‘achieved’.

“Balderdash. Understanding reality gets in the way of the will of the people,” the addled aide retorted, “Brexit, and thus Brexiters, are happy socially distanced from reality, and have been since the start of the pandemic [of idiocy]. We’ve no intention to change now.”

And they may not change their mindsets, even as they set about dismantling the UK’s place in the 21st century, and indeed the UK.

“Freedom of movement has ended. Europe will just have to accept that, except for the thirty odd other countries that still have it. They can’t just breeze into the UK anymore. They’ll have to satisfy themselves with everywhere else in Europe. See how they like that!”

Definitely a major moment in the Brexit process which will be fully understood by the overwhelmingly majority in the fullness of time. Well, assuming they’re allowed a break in their serfdom sufficiently expansive to allow it.

Global Britons. Staying home. Definitely not just wandering over to Europe. This is what the people wanted. Middle men gobbling up their spending power as they attempt to try and do things they used to do for free.

“It’s all a storm in a teacup anyway,” the aide added, “just wait until Europe sees what we intend to do about the human rights act. The near sexual buzz Brexit MPs now feel at revelling in their engorged power to lord it over poorer Britons. Jealousy won’t be the right word for it.”

THE BORIS BOOMERANG: Aussie rules are making a comeback. No matter how hard you try to throw them away, they always return. The old euphemism for No Deal is back on the table, slathered in Vegemite and garnished with Tim Tams.

“This is fantastic news, and when I say fantastic I mean really spaffing – no, spiffing,” gibbered Boris Johnson, who these days barely even pretends to be Prime Minister. “We have always been great friends with the Austrians – no, Ostriches – no, Australians – and Aussie rules brings us closer than ever before!”

How will you achieve that closeness?

“Errm, well, yes, now the thing is, it’s a simple solution,” burbled Johnson. “I will, erm, right ho, ah yes, build a bridge between England and Australia! Modern architecture is a wonderful thing, don’t you know. Or we could create a tunnel like with France. It’s straight down of course, so gravity will do all the work.”

What are the benefits of Aussie rules Brexit?

“Yes, well, wiff waff, there are many, many, good things here,” stalled Johnson. “Vegemite, of course. Yes. Those lovely Tim Tams, you can’t get them here, what a great deal! And Steve Smith. Yes! We’re all on the same side now! Steve Smith will have to play for England, and we will win the Ashes every year! Huzzah!”

What do the Australians think of this?

“Put it this way,” Johnson said, suddenly serious. “The Aussies are basically the English criminal class who were sent to the outback to teach them a good hard lesson. I think they have probably served their time, and should be jolly grateful that we only deported them and built them crude shacks to live in, instead of making them sleep on the beaches. It was a hostel environment!”

The country is being burned as we speak. England is being cremated, and the ashes will be sent to Australia.

DROWNING NOT WAVING : THE PRIDE OF A COUNTRY is often thought to exist intangibly in its national symbols, which explains why Great Britain has so very many symbols.

“But none are more symbolic than the flag,” our Flag Fetish expert reveals today, “and the Union Jack is recognised internationally as the most potent symbol that there is.”

And it seems the famous old flag is carrying more weight in the 21st century, as the UK, freed of the shackles of oompf to be found in membership of a multi-national group of democracies numbering over a half a billion people, makes its way once more alone on the world stage.

“Everyone knows what the Union Jack means,” our expert continues, “which is why we can be so proud of the new international consensus over its meaning.”

This new consensus appears to be a revolution in the way countries signal distress to the world.

“It was pretty old fashioned to have to physically turn a flag upside down to say you’re in trouble,” our expert explains, “when you consider the sheer number of flags in a country? Having teams of civil servants, or territorials, run about the place turning every flag upside down? It’s incredibly inefficient. Well, now Global Britons are freed of that tiresome chore.”

This is because it has been agreed overnight that the Union Jack is now the international symbol of distress, whether its upside down or back to front or balancing on a corner.

“The message is clear and made more crystal with each passing day that Dominic Cummings runs the country,” our expert finishes, “if you see a Union Jack, you know the person flying it needs help.”

IF YOU LIKED IT SO MUCH YOU SHOULD HAVE PUT A FLAG ON IT : Extra details today about the much loved revamp of Boris Johnson’s flying zoo, first announced in the week the government attempted not to feed hungry children over summer.

“It’s not just the new paint job that’s special,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we’ve changed the engines too. The better to showcase Global Britain to the world, freed of the shackles of unelected officials, thanks to Brexit and Dom. Classic.”

It appears in addition to painting a signal of distress on the tail the engines have been replaced with a new design that burns wads of £50 notes.

The burning of pound sterling-engines was developed by an international consortium of hedge fund traders and kleptocrats and are believed to be incredibly efficient. It’s also thought the sheer cost of keeping the plane flying will counterbalance the lack of demand for Sterling on the international exchanges.

“The only snag is the sheer volume of money required to keep flying,” the source continued, “you need to throw in about £350m a week in fifties. Lesser denomination notes won’t do the job. It has to be fifties. Although if you get stuck mid-flight, running low on fuel, then you can have a group of Tory MPs stand on the wings and clap for the NHS. The intense concentration of hypocrisy creates a kind of magnetic field that continues to drive the engines. You can also throw in bundles of national self respect and international reputation, if you want to supercharge the plane. Or put a tiger in the tank, as we say.”

While the engines maybe of a new design the fuel delivery system is a classic.

“They operate like a traditional British steam engine from the Victorian era. You simply have a burly child stand in front of the furnace and shovel in the cash. And then keep shovelling!”

But there is one warning with the new system.

“It’s like diesel and unleaded with cars,” the source adds, “if you even attempt to put offshore tax haven money into the turbines the whole show will collapse. It has to be public cash from the Royal Mint. The more the merrier.”

SHEARING SHEEP : THE HOUSE OF COMMONS has been the scene of many a fierce exchange between equally able adversaries in its long and glorious history, and never less so than the current era.

Mr Johnson, currently pretending to be prime minister (so Mr Cummings can swing the wrecking ball behind the scenes), squared off against the fact obsessed Starmer yesterday and hit himself square between the lies.

Faced with an entirely unnecessary series of questions based in entirely unnecessary facts from Sir Starmer, Mr Johnson put his sizeable shoulder to the mental hamster wheel Cummings runs him on daily, and demanded an answer from the Leader of the Opposition.

Perhaps he mistakenly believes “PMQs” means it’s time for him to ask questions, and not answer them?

“I know the right honourable gentlemen is mired in the dogeared traditions of the past,” Mr Johnson wafted, looking anywhere but at Mr Starmer, “he seems to think that having a functioning government not led by an idiot is a benchmark of governance? And this in the age of public servants doing the work of hedge funds and billionaires? Really. Does he not realise the UK is now a billionairocracy? He is a man out of his time.”

Mr Starmer waited with the delightful air of coiled passive aggressiveness that is proving so effective against Mr Johnson. Perhaps an aura modelled on imagining what is Mr Johnson’s private nightmare? The close confidant or partner that once again has him bang to rights and is just waiting for him to trigger the trap?

“I challenge the right honourable gentleman to name one country that has a functioning prime minister?”

Mr Starmer inhaled and then exhaled the one word that is kryptonite to puffed up, pathetic, empire nostalgia freaks like Mr Johnson.

“Germany.”

Although the list that answers Mr Johnson’s ill considered question is of course, much longer. Just like the list of countries with functioning Covid-19 apps.