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Dominic Cummings to replace British Army with a lie on the side of a bus

FIELD MARSHALL TWAT : THE MOST POWERFUL MAN IN ENGLAND, Dominic Cummings, is currently completing his first ever defence review.

“The verdict is in,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “spending money on the army is a complete waste of time when your entire policy platform is exactly what your enemies want.”

It seems the five minutes Dom spent reading a famous book about defence policy in the early 90’s taught him everything he needs to know for a complete do over.

“We send millions every week to the army when we could better send it to tax havens instead,” the source went on, “a defence set up fit for the 21st century is coming.”

And it seems Dom is drawing on personal experience in reshaping the armed forces.

“He led the very successful coup against the British state in 2016-ongoing. And what was the most powerful weapon in the arsenal? A bus. That’s all the British Army needs.”

What will be written on the bus isn’t clear, but it’s understood that Dom will conduct focus groups to identify the most powerful slogan.

And it’s not just the army that is in for a shake down, the RAF and Navy are too.

“The Navy is going to be replaced with nudge theory. Basically Farage in an inflatable in the Channel with a long stick. He’ll literally nudge our enemies back to the Continent. The RAF will be one Spitfire, leased for £108m a flight from a private contractor.”

But what if the Army pushes back?

“Then Dom will go down and sort them out in his own way, and they won’t like that. No one voted for Dom. They voted for a lazy chancer instead who is happy to let Dom do whatever he wants. The people have decided and they’ve decided on a bus.”

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Jacob Rees-Mogg insists that the Tory conference should take place in Wetherspoons

Social distancing matters. But, if you are Jacob Rees-Mogg, debates should be undertaken in person and not over virtual communication platforms. There’s no room for the Zoom for traditional Tories.

So for his party’s traditional summer conference, he has not booked an overpriced snooty seaside hotel and a modern conference centre with as much atmosphere as the moon. These venues are sensibly refusing to take bookings from irresponsible posh boys. Instead, they will all go to the local ‘Spoons, since everybody knows that you can’t transmit a virus in a tightly packed, sweaty pub full of noisy drunks.

In a daring move unconnected to any desire to avoid scrutiny, Rees-Mogg has booked a ‘Spoons in locked down Leicester. The former proprietors of The Hunchbacked Plantagenet were taken by surprise, as they are self isolating and trying to buy PPE from a pest control company.

The shocked bar manager of The Hunchbacked Plantagenet was desperately trying to get herself re-employed in time for the conference. “They only told me to get everything ready last night,” admitted Betty Fallsover. “The perspex screens won’t be here until Friday, but I’ve got plenty of mousetraps.”

And will there be enough to drink?

“Oh yes,” said Fallsover with a glint in her eye. “I’ve ordered five thousand bottles of the finest wine. Chateau Barnard 2020.”

Meanwhile the city council tried to milk the situation.

“This is a great honour for the city,” boasted city council publicity manager Midler Nowhere. “I would normally recommend that the delegates visit the city’s attractions, but unfortunately at the moment they are both closed.”

Why don’t you tell them what they are missing?

“Said too much already,” grumbled Midler in a low growl. “Can’t talk about work, sorry, it breaks the conditions of my furlough.”

The screen went blank.

Hundreds of reckless, entitled exceptionalists packed into a cheap pub in the middle of Plague City. What could possibly go wrong?

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‪Boris Johnson promises a “world beating” free trade deal will be achieved with Scotland‬

RAMPING UP : Ahead of the 2024 General Election in England and the Disputed Territory of Wales, English Prime Minister Boris Johnson, has promised he will achieve a “world beating” free trade deal with the Republic of Scotland.

“While no one doubts the sincerity of Mr Johnson’s assertion, well not anyone who has had a lobotomy doubts it, achieving the deal in the time available will be problematic [to say the least],” a Downing Street source admitted.

Not least is the difficulty the Johnson administration appears to be having accepting it isn’t just negotiating with Scotland, but all of the EU, which has recently admitted its newest member, Scotland.

“Nicola Sturgeon is rumoured to have requested Michel Barnier lead the trade negotiations with England and the Disputed Territory of Wales. This is clear provocation and a sign that she does not want the talks to succeed ahead of Mr Johnson’s re-election.”

The re-election is of course certain, due to recent constituency boundary changes in England, reducing the already reduced number of constituencies from 14 to 1. The one being Mr Johnson’s constituency.

“The additional decision to outlaw all parliamentary candidates from standing for election who aren’t already elected does of course give Mr Johnson an advantage.”

And it’s not just the EU, Sturgeon and that wily old foe Barnier that Johnson has to deal with.

“He has a host of problems. Daily Covid-19 deaths are still in triple figures in England,” our electoral analyst reports, “although you are herd pressed to find the data now that the Department for Health (social care having been abandoned long ago) is headquartered in Baronet Tim Martin’s Wetherspoons.”

Additionally, the alternative government (in exile) of Keir Starmer looks likely to undermine Mr Johnson by successfully requesting the EU negotiates with it too from its temporary parliament in Catalonia.

The decision by Mr Starmer to use the years in exile to become fluent in French, German, Arabic, Spanish and Mandarin does appear to be paying dividends.

“Look, in spite of the total reliance of England on Scotland for water supplies, due to the ongoing border war with the ‘Free Welsh Militia’, or the Rhys ap Gruffydd’s (as they’re commonly known) and the imposition of electricity tariffs by Downing Street on EU energy imports (meaning the lights are rarely on, no matter who is home) Mr Johnson is confident that his battle cry of ‘They Need Us More Than We Need Them!’ will see Sturgeon buckle.”

LCD Views would like to wish Mr Johnson luck in the negotiations. With belief he can succeed. We are certain the German automotive sector will apply pressure to Sturgeon to give England a great deal. And yes, David Davis is still certain too.

“It would have been helpful if the Russians hadn’t allowed Dominic Cummings’ to go into exile in Siberia, after he successfully hijacked AirFarce One and had that IT intern re-programme it to fly to Moscow last year (for an eye test),” the source added, “but then you can’t have everything.”

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First photo of brain eating amoeba discovered in Florida released

NEUROLOGICAL MATTERS : FEARS OF A RIFT TODAY BETWEEN THE MEDICAL COMMUNITIES OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AND GRATE BRITAIN’S UNGRATEFUL COLONY ACROSS THE ATLANTIC.

The furore appears to centre on a spat between medical researchers over which country is responsible for a brain eating amoeba currently forcing citizens in Florida to protest against wearing masks in the middle of the Covid-19 panic.

“It’s just like the Spanish Flu,” a representative of the UK’s medical research fraternity said, “it started in America and they pinned it on the Spanish. Well, we’re not letting them pull a fast one with the brain eating amoeba!”

The most obvious stateside example is of course President Donald Trump.

“That’s the amoeba’s greatest success at the moment,” the researcher continued, “to get itself elected the actual President of the United States? That’s a real WTF moment there. Actually it’s the biggliest achievement of any single celled organism except for the Conservatives, I mean the Coronaviruses. Not many people know this, but no single celled creature has ever achieved anything greater. And now look at the UK political landscape? Absolutely riddled with amoeba. The prime minister being the most obvious example, but it’s everywhere.”

But the Americans aren’t taking that lying down.

“Nigel Farage, the UK’s own Amoeba in Chief, famously visited Donald Trump after the Brexit victory in that rigged opinion poll. He carried it over here. Contrary to the claims of the British scientists the amoeba infects people and makes them do insane things. And you don’t have to look anywhere else than the reopening of English pubs in the middle of the Covid-19 pandemic to see that the UK government is completely riddled with it. I’d be surprised if there’s a single brain cell left uninfected.”

LCD Views is rightly famous in the field of medical research, especially amoeba, and we can draw a line under this debate right now by stating it’s bloody obvious both countries are currently riddled with it in government, and it doesn’t matter where it started, it matters that it’s ended.

Not a line that’s pleasing the UK’s research community, who simply point to the fact that the first electron x-rays of the creature show Donald Trump.

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Fears brain eating amoeba discovered in Florida originated in UK

NEUROLOGICAL MATTERS : FEARS OF A RIFT TODAY BETWEEN THE MEDICAL COMMUNITIES OF THE UNITED KINGDOM AND GRATE BRITAIN’S UNGRATEFUL COLONY ACROSS THE ATLANTIC.

The furore appears to centre on a spat between medical researchers over which country is responsible for a brain eating amoeba currently forcing citizens in Florida to protest against wearing masks in the middle of the Covid-19 panic.

“It’s just like the Spanish Flu,” a representative of the UK’s medical research fraternity said, “it started in America and they pinned it on the Spanish. Well, we’re not letting them pull a fast one with the brain eating amoeba!”

The most obvious stateside example is of course President Donald Trump.

“That’s the amoeba’s greatest success at the moment,” the researcher continued, “to get itself elected the actual President of the United States? That’s a real WTF moment there. Actually it’s the biggliest achievement of any single celled organism except for the Conservatives, I mean the Coronaviruses. Not many people know this, but no single celled creature has ever achieved anything greater. And now look at the UK political landscape? Absolutely riddled with amoeba. The prime minister being the most obvious example, but it’s everywhere.”

But the Americans aren’t taking that lying down.

“Nigel Farage, the UK’s own Amoeba in Chief, famously visited Donald Trump after the Brexit victory in that rigged opinion poll. He carried it over here. Contrary to the claims of the British scientists the amoeba infects people and makes them do insane things. And you don’t have to look anywhere else than the reopening of English pubs in the middle of the Covid-19 pandemic to see that the UK government is completely riddled with it. I’d be surprised if there’s a single brain cell left uninfected.”

LCD Views is rightly famous in the field of medical research, especially amoeba, and we can draw a line under this debate right now by stating it’s bloody obvious both countries are currently riddled with it in government, and it doesn’t matter where it started, it matters that it’s ended.

And we do not welcome our new brain eating amoeba overlords at all.

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Super Saturday – Sturgeon declares Scottish independence while everyone in England is at the pub getting Covid

QUICK WHILE THEY’RE NOT LOOKING : NICOLA STURGEON became the first President of the newly created Republic of Scotland today, and got away with it.

“She’s expected to have adopted the Euro and achieved continued EU membership for Scotland by the end of Sunday,” our Brussels’ insider said, “and we suspect even have completed the border wall, with EU funding, between Scotland and England, and begun accepting English ‘remain’ refugees before any English MPs pull their heads out of their brown paper bags long enough to see what’s been going on.”

The timing of the declaration is believed to be down to Ms Sturgeon’s political nous.

“Get why the getting is good, as they say, well not in Scotland, across the pond I think,” our correspondent continues, “Anyone in England minded to resist Scottish independence will be at the pub today anyway. And they need to secure the border before the next wave of Coronavirus takes hold in England.”

Wales is also understood to be ready to universally declare independence from Westminster, and is expected to be joined by NI, The Falklands and Gibraltar when they do, perhaps forming a union of like minded democracies fit for the 21st century.

We did seek comment from Downing Street on the surprising development, but received only a brief note in reply, “As long as no one is talking about the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in the EU Referendum we don’t care. Actually this just helps our plans to turn London into the world money laundering hub, so we’re all for it. And now when English shopkeepers attempt to refuse Scottish money, they’ll finally be justified in doing it!”

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Democracy campaigners crowdfund to buy Tory MP

A LITTLE MP TO CALL HOME : Democracy in Global Britain has never looked more secure with the news today that a grassroots campaign called ‘PR Would Be A Good Start’ has taken a leaf out of the Tory donor handbook.

“It’s actually a kickstarter,” Mr Legit told LCD Views, “but the press is reporting it as a crowdfunder. That’s inaccurate. If we’re successful in purchasing a complete Tory MP we expect to make a significant profit on the initial investment, and to reinvest accordingly. My projections are for £108m, minus costs such as brown paper bags and expensive dinners, but that’s just for starters. Even partial ownership of an MP should see us making hay. Our ultimate aim is to change electoral laws and the voting system in England. Maybe even move Westminster to Manchester for six months each year, just for the fun of it.”

And the kickstarter move hasn’t yet caused the sort of kickback one would expect from Tory MPs, in spite of the loose accusation of alleged corruption that naturally goes with it, and them.

“I don’t care who feathers my nest,” Sir Fillme Boots-Swine, told LCD Views, “I’ll lobby for the devil or the angels. The accumulation of money and the sense of power that goes with it is all that matters. And the free bubbles! Ha! You want me to lobby to have environmental regulations strengthened to protect puffins? Fine. I’ll do that just as happily as I’ll lobby say to overturn Green Belt planning laws so you can build a mega-abattoir with US food industry cash. Just give me £20,000 and I’m all yours. Well, on a hourly rate, so about half a day’s work. I’ve got some free time in the diary in September. Let’s get you booked in.”

How the initiative to buy an MP will play out isn’t yet clear, given that the malign interests that already appear to allegedly heavily sponsor MPs have much deeper pockets, but as Mr Legit says, “If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em. Cash or cheque?”

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Do Over at Dover – “world beating” plans to remodel White Cliffs of Dover released

CLIFF EDGE (GESTURE) POLITICS : While most everyone is at the pub today ordering a pint of bitter and a lungful of Corona, your UK government is still hard at work making Britain grate again.

“We want the French to see with their own eyes that they’re dealing with a resurgent superpower across the ENGLISH Channel,” Tory MP for Complete Prattery, Sir Prat, told LCD Views, “which is why I fully support President Cummings’ plans to remodel the White Cliffs of Dover in the image of his favourite pet dog. Once complete this will be a testing sight for Gallic eyes. Which is in keeping with Cumming’s style of government.”

And the plans are reportedly well advanced, having been sketched out on the back of a fag packet during the night, after a magnum or two of claret.

“We’ve already given a confectionary company, a rat control firm, a stationer and a supplier of niche BDSM party products each a £108m contract to do the stonemasonry.”

But critics of the plan to up-cycle the famous White Cliffs into a ‘world beating’ monument to a political poodle, have begun ramping up their accusations over what they see as a needless waste of public money.

“The so called Do Over at Dover is just a monumental waste of taxpayers money.” See.

A pretty pointless criticism to level, it must be said, in the dawn of Global Britain. It’s what we do now, put taxpayers money into wheelbarrows and tip it over cliffs.

“And the added expense of the rmoured public vote to name the new monument? Why? Just call it Mount Pratfall and be done with it.” Quite.

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We are opening the pubs because alcohol kills the virus, says Matt Hancock

FOLLOWING THE SCIENCE: Unhealthy Secretary Matt Hancock has made one of the great intuitive leaps we have come to expect of libertarian regimes. Alcohol kills the virus, the argument goes. Pubs sell alcohol. Therefore opening pubs is a good idea during a viral pandemic.

Thirsty people up and down the country are desperate to escape their other halves and get blind drunk with their mates. Now there’s the added bonus of a miracle cure.

There is a word of caution, though. Hancock took to the airwaves to clarify Boris Johnson’s weak plea not to over indulge.

“The cure works better the more alcohol you consume,” he advised. “Hand sanitiser is about 80% proof. So you need to drink enough to make your blood alcohol level the same strength.”

This is not a problem for the die-hard alcoholics, but what advice does Hancock have for the rest of us?

“Stick to hard spirits,” he said. “No mixers or water or any of that weedy rubbish. Drink it straight, and drink a great deal of it. Do your patriotic duty. Protect the virus, control the NHS, or whatever the fuck this week’s message is. Drink for Britain!”

Alcohol impairs decision making and reduces inhibitions. What measures are being taken to ensure social distancing and sensible consumption?

“Did you not hear?” he said, incredulously. “Going to the pub cures the virus, so there will be no need for social distancing. What is more, our new Pub Tsar, Tim Wetherspoons, will refuse to let anybody leave a pub while they are still capable of doing so.”

Emergency supplies of industrial strength, weapons grade Russian vodka are being made available, in case punters try to leave pubs before sufficient inebriation has occurred.

And although pub toilets will remain closed, every pub will be given a memorial so that satisfied customers may urinate next to it.

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BREAKING : Downing Street confirms all pubs to close again exactly two weeks after reopening

WORLD BLATHERING : DOWNING STREET HAS bowed to pressure from the alcohol industry by confirming that the reopening of boozers will last exactly two weeks.

“It allows them to do more planning for the future of their industry than anyone directly impacted by Brexit,” a Downing Street source asserted, “the drinks industry now knows it has exactly fourteen days to stuff the coffers full before the next shutdown.”

Precision of decision making has become a scarce feature of British governance since 2016 and many are heartened to see its return, albeit briefly.

But why fourteen days?

“Well, don’t tell anyone, but between you and me we’ve plucked that out of the hat. But, and this is the important point, the hat is full of precise estimates about the average incubation time between contracting Covid-19 and displaying symptoms. Clearly people are widely known to be infectious before becoming symptomatic, but you can’t please everyone.”

The decision to reopen boozers is part of a multi-pillared Covid-19 strategy that is definitely not aimed at achieving herd immunity in the UK through a combination of wilful disregard of the intrinsic value of people’s lives and the kind of half baked, barely grasped pseudo-science prime minister Cummings is now famous for. It also allows us to pretend we’re still a perfectly normal country, which is a tangible benefit for the tourism industry.

“Let everyone get drunk and act responsibly while they’re at it,” the source added, “alcohol is a famous inhibitor, just ask Mr Johnson. The son or the father. And if you follow the government guidance and head to the pub this weekend you also stand a chance of asking the Holy Ghost. Cheers!”