LCD Views

FIFTY SHADES OF GRAYLING: The curse of Chris Grayling has struck again. His unerring ability to mess up the simplest situation remains unaffected, even in his absence.

True to form, Number Ten has tried to spin failure as world beating success. Grayling, says the PM’s office, is just too intelligent and too safe a pair of hands to chair the Intelligence and Security Committee.

The now notorious Russia Report is at the heart of Downing Street’s rationale. The usual job of the Intelligence and Security Committee, it reasons, is to leak titillating details of the Report to selected journalists, in return for cash. A man such as Grayling, with his mind on a higher plane, would be likely to leave the whole report, unredacted, for free, next to his face mask, on the 6.47 to Epsom.

Friends of Grayling have been quick to leap to the great man’s defence. “Chris was simply overqualified for the position,” claims longstanding chum Trevor Clever. “He is frequently voted Britain’s Smartest MP, and it’s a very competitive field. Chris always wins, even though he’s usually up against Boris Johnson, Priti Patel and even James Cleverly!”

LCD Views naturally wanted to speak with Grayling himself. Unfortunately, his chief aide, Alec Smartt, confessed over the telephone that his boss was so given to esoteric and profound thought, that mundane matters like working out how to talk via Zoom were too far below him. “He can’t even use a telephone without accidentally emptying the vaults of the Bank of England,” admitted Smartt. “His thoughts are so powerful, they affect everyone within range, like an aura. On the Committee, I can see him disclosing Britain’s nuclear codes and Dominic Cummings’ personal phone number simply because he is too busy squaring circles.”

Is this the same sophistication which led him to spaff millions of pounds on a ferry company without ferries?

“Naturally,” confirmed Smartt. “He deduced that the name Seaborne Freight was a fiendishly complex double bluff, within half a millisecond. His integrity is such that he never suspected that it was a gruesomely simple fraud.”

In his leisure time, Grayling is believed to inhabit a room with walls padded like a luxury sofa, while wearing a straitjacket. This, it is believed, is the only way to protect his immediate surroundings from the power of his brainwaves.

It’s all clear now. We have had enough of experts.

SURVIVAL OF THE THICKEST: The coup over the chair of the Intelligence and Security Committee has claimed its first victim. The victor, Julian Lewis, has been de-Toried for proving himself more intelligent than Chris Grayling.

This begs the question: if being cleverer than Chris Grayling is a sackable offence – and it’s a very low bar – what does that say about the remaining MPs?

So now the fate of the Russia Report, an allegedly explosive document detailing how the Russians paid for Brexit and the election in December 2019, is in the hands of a man potentially hostile to Boris Johnson. Lewis could extract his revenge by publishing the whole thing, unredacted, and condemn the Vote Leave government. Who would have thought that a petulant knee-jerk reaction could have such extreme consequences?

Obviously not Way Past His Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, and his de facto boss, “Classic” Dom Cummings. Johnson, judging by his hapless efforts at Prime Minister’s Questions, doesn’t have any more than the most basic thought in his head. Cummings is either less brilliant or less frightening than he clearly believes he is.

This has become something of a pattern. Act first, fill in the details later, if at all. Don’t worry about the consequences, you can blame them on somebody else. And, as with virtually everything else this government touches, the consequences are the opposite of what they promise will happen. Does exactly what it doesn’t say on the tin, you might say.

Suddenly, the race to the bottom of the barrel had become interesting. All it takes is someone to throw a spanner into the barrel reserved for fish shooting. The cat is among the pigeons and feathers will surely fly. The Russia Report could well be published as MPs go on their summer jollies. If so, it is likely that many will not return.

But it’s not all bad news. Vladivostok is lovely this time of year.

FACE MASKS FOR DUMMIES: Government chief adviser Dominic Cummings has announced that blue face masks will be compulsory, for all Conservative MPs, outside the family home. The move is designed to provide leadership and clarity for the British public.

Due to negative connotations, use of the word mask will be discontinued and the more inclusive term facial covering will be adopted. Members are urged to achieve the required levels of fit and facial coverage when placing their orders, and an online training aid is available. Cummings also announced MPs will not be giving any interviews due to the facial coverings. He stated, “We do not want government communications to sound mumbled, unclear or incoherent and we don’t want to have to endlessly repeat the same things to get our message across. Until we get a vaccine all future governmental communication will be via meme. Acme-me, a one-man band, run from a garden shed between Durham and Barnard Castle, has been awarded the contract.”

East Midlands MP Andrew Airbridgen said, “I an proud to reveal that all facial coverings will be British made. I have received a letter from a Constituent, who said he could supply the equipment from Ye Olde Sweet Shoppe in Leicester, although Sweet was incorrectly spelled as Swet.” When asked about the spelling he went on to say, “It was obviously a simple spelling mistake. As part of our more inclusive levelling up agenda, the ability to spell will be lesss rellyvant.”

Almost all MPs were surprised by the early morning Cummings, but agreed with the policy. One MP, whose secretary is also his wife, said of the announcement, “Well, it came a little sooner than we expected this morning and she wasn’t able to catch it all, but I think she got the message.”

Many older male MPs were worried they may not be able to achieve the facial coverage levels required by the rules.

Several younger female MPs expressed concern about the standard of facial coverings, as they spend a lot of time and money on their appearance. One said, “I don’t need my hair messing up due to a badly done facial covering!”

A more senior female member, Honey Trapp, who spent decades sliding up and down various ministerial greasy poles, said with a knowing smile, “Succumbing to a little facial covering may benefit their careers.” Other female members accepted the move but were not happy about it. “They will just have to take it on the chin,” remarked Trapp.

Later, UK Internet was almost brought to a standstill, due to searches for the online ten-minute training aid. Internet providers were astonished by the levels of video downloads and the time spent watching them, after googling Cummings Facial Coverings. This phenomenon was also thought to be responsible for an outbreak of nudging, winking (know what I mean?) and infantile giggling in Commons bars.

Several MP’s wives/secretaries were rushed to A&E with suspected PTSD, and there has been an unprecedented rise in wrist injuries/Carpal Tunnel Syndrome. It is thought Ann Widdicombe, a lifelong supporter of complete withdrawal, may never recover after Mark Francois asked her to give him a hand with the matter.

A spokesman for No.10 said: “In keeping with recent government policy, the new initiative will be called About Face. British facial coverings will be the envy of the world and will take a lot of beating. We have already chosen a delegation of MPs to ensure this is the case. Their first task will be a fact-finding mission to Amsterdam, where there’s a vibrant facial covering industry. We are hoping for cross party support, it’s vital that everyone is pulling together on this initiative”. Michael Gove is believed to have signed up already.

The final word must go to a seasoned parliamentarian and former father of the house, Kent Clark, who commented, “I don’t know what all the fuss is about. Conservative MPs have been masquerading as representatives of the people since Adam was a lad”.

BEHIND THE MASK (allegedly): Government advice changes so quickly it is hard to keep up sometimes. But now there is hard and fast guidance. Wearing a face mask in public is to become compulsory, ever since Dominic Cummings revealed to Boris Johnson that one of his mates is distributing them.

How quickly the mask of public decency has been stripped away. The public are expected to mask up, and pay through the nose to do so. Meanwhile, any pretence that this is not a blatant means of cashing in on the covid crisis has gone.

At least it is out in the open, along with gatherings of no more than six people. PPE money is being directed into phantom companies whose directors are connected to Cummings and the government. Money is being spaffed on apps, oddly enough developed by Cummings’ associates, that don’t work, There is no end to the rush to stick snouts into the trough for possibly the last time before No Deal Brexit empties it for good.

“I’ve known Dom for a long time,” admitted PPE seller Fay Scuvering. “In fact at school he was my boyfriend for a while, but I found him to be too controlling. We stayed friends though, in as much as Dom ever has friends. I think he rather admired my talent for stealing the first years’ lunches then selling it back to them at inflated prices.”

This is a talent that must come in very handy during the current fraudocracy.

“Indeed,” agreed Scuvering. “I get my old mum and her isolated friends to make face masks out of old bits of cloth. Then I sell them to frightened hipsters for £25 each, or more if they are stupid enough to cough up. Mum thinks I’m taking them to the local church and the food bank, the silly mare.”

Crisis, what crisis? It’s just another opportunity to make a profit. Your money or your life! Or both, of course.