LCD Views

ASHES TO ASHFORD : Following events in Ashford we can exclusively reveal further developments are planned by our wise and all seeing government.

“Apparently, a government adviser took a wrong turning on the A1 and noticed a ferry port on the Humber,” our infrastructure specialist reports.

“He immediately contacted a friend, who owned local firm Goole Maps, to produce a report. After reading the report, cabinet ministers were shocked that such infrastructure existed outside the South East.”

The report also revealed, virtually all the ferry ports served EU/EEA destinations, and several extra lorry parks were needed.

Eight days ago, we were reliably informed, that Sylvester (Sly) Uppshot MP for Maidensvale will take on a new cabinet post to oversee the projects. We negotiated an early sighting of his report, in return for our help in getting some of his work published.

The report is too long to print in full, here are the main points.

Introduction.

All actions taken will involve a revolutionary new technique called joined up thinking, whereby each action will also support other areas of government policy. Something that has not been tried since 2015.

1. The new facilities will be named Transport Infrastructure for Rolling Departures (TIRD), lorries will queue using procedures developed for airports, areas will be festooned in tape and lorries will go round and round until custom checks become available.

2. Excluding the Humber Region, all supermarket car parks within 50 miles of a ferry port will be compulsory purchased, to make space for the TIRDs. Supermarkets will only be accessible on, recently invented, bikes with a basket, which will help tackle the obesity problem. The bikes, designed in Britain, will be made in Malaysia by Dai-Sun Inc. Shoppers unable or unwilling to cycle will have to return to Britain’s High Streets, giving them a much-needed boost.

3. The Humber Region facility will concatenate Immingham and Grimsby to form the large Grim Ouse TIRD, both towns will get their fair share of the TIRD.

All residential property will be demolished, the benefits will be enormous, as the State pays almost all the council tax and rent in the area. Residents will be re-housed on caravan sites in, recently renamed, Skagness. The new revenue generated will provide a shot in the arm to existing residents of this Great British resort. The treasury will also benefit via the new 50% VAT rate on luxury items, which includes caravan rental, children and brown sauce.

4. Due to its proximity to the U.S.A., Liverpool TIRD will include an extra facility for sensitive military cargoes. The section will be staffed by U.S. personnel and will include an aquatic centre, where staff can indulge in the popular American pastime of water boarding. UK athletes will also use the facility to prepare for the inclusion of water boarding in the Olympics. The resulting improvements in U.K./U.S. relations will be invaluable to the U.K. in future trade talks.

5. Each TIRD, will feature 500 statues of Kim Kardashian performing squatting exercises. This will help the Arts community, encourage exercise and also aid Britain’s green initiatives by encouraging cycling, as staff and customers will have somewhere to park their bikes. All lorries will be cleaned before they leave and represent Britain abroad. Staff from the pandemic media centre have been drafted in to do the job due to their extensive turd polishing skills.

“The government excel at producing TIRDS and having their mouth pieces polish them,” our specialist adds, “and deal or no deal, come the end of the year the country will be covered in them.”

RINSE AND REPEAT : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSONOV IS A BUSY BOY THESE DAYS. Not only does he have to fit in a quarterly photoshoot with someone’s baby in his diary, he’s also to open London’s newest prestige laundromat.

“Not to mention tennis matches,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “he barely has time to rest on his laurels. Someone is always wanting to pay to hit his balls. Which is odd, given how many these days would do it for free. Why dirty his hands with the filthy lucre?”

And additional to these current, pressing commitments, he now has to turn up and cut ribbons.

“It’s not only turning the other cheek to foreign interference in UK democracy. He’s got to open essential financial services. Part of the post Brexit plan. You know, when we end manufacturing and food production, but expand the laundry business. You need a respectable front for all that. A grand visage. So what better than a prestige laundry business? He’s cutting the ribbon at Kompromat tomorrow.”

Presumably he’s going to make it through the event in one piece?

“He has so far, his whole career. He’s a classic useful idiot. Also a vain and greedy and horny one. It all helps.”

But what exactly is Kompromat offering?

“At Kompromat they can clean anything for you. It doesn’t matter how dirty or bloody it is when it comes in. Reputations? Come out squeaky clean, at least on the surface. Money looted out of poor villages? Have you thought about pressing it through London’s housing market? Professional, but these days, not very discrete.”

Kompromat. It doesn’t matter what’s sticking to you. We can clean it off. Half price sale on reputational cleaning begins tomorrow. Something’s happened in the UK market and knocked the shine off.

DIPLOMATIC OVER-TOURS : English Prime Minister BORIS JOHNSON is said to have been left fuming during the first day of his trip north of the wall to win over the hearts and minds of Scots.

The trip is seen as key to retaining England’s place in the Union when the Celtic nations secede and federate to escape the food shortages and international irrelevance to come with Brexit in 2021.

The drama today appears to centre around the gift he personally selected for Scottish independence leader, Nicola Sturgeon, and what happened to it.

“It was shortly before 6am this morning when Mr Johnson’s private train, dubbed by Mr Johnson the Hardian’s Express, pulled into Stirling station on the first stop of his whirlwind tour of Caledonia,” LCD Views’ foreign correspondent reports, “Mr Johnson is said to have turned out pretty well, all things considered, having decided not to go to bed the night before. Instead he spent the journey north drinking solidly with friends in order to hit Sturgeon with his chummiest bon homie.”

But it doesn’t appear to be his standard alcoholic shambles that did the damage, rather the gift he had hand picked to win over the frosty Scottish lass.

“Nicole didn’t like it one bit,” a Downing Street courtier travelling with Mr Johnson’s party told LCD Views, “a bit baffling all round. Every leader needs a good fridge to hide in when the wicket gets sticky.”

But not Ms Stugeon it seems, at least not when faced with Mr Johnson.

“It all seemed to be going well enough. Mr Johnson opened the doors to the walk-in fridge he’s had installed on the Hadrian Express, waved regally enough to Nicole and then hopped down like an excited school boy. He was very keen to give her his gift.”

But as a crane lifted the giant, boxed fridge, off the train the atmosphere turned positively chilly.

“Well it may have been a mistake to allow old Grayling to operate the train, in spite of his confidence.”

The box is said to have slipped its moorings, much like Mr Johnson’s diplomatic effort, and crashed to the train platform.

“Some of the box shattered and the gift was visible. Maybe it was the Saint George flag colour scheme? Maybe it was the fact the fridge was packed with smoked salmon? Who can say. I personally was in favour of offering little Nicole the title of Duchess of Ashford. Try and win her around the traditional way. Lands and titles in England. But Dom was certain she’d go for the fridge. Let her feel like an equal, even if the fridge was noticeably smaller than Johnson’s and not fitted to rolling stock.”

Whatever the reason it was with a cool and determined manner that Ms Sturgeon helped several of her guard push the fridge out of the station and onto Stirling Bridge.

“Then she took up a giant piece of lumber and just heaved the whole thing over the edge of the bridge. It’s still there right now, far as I know. Can’t be good for shipping.”

It’s not clear how Mr Johnson took the rebuff though as he immediately hid inside his own fridge.

The dust is still settling on the incident but English headline writers have been quick to point out the failings in Ms Sturgeon’s actions.

“She should have turfed it into the Firth of Forth,” one told us, “that way we could have written The Fridge of Forth! Now we’re just left wondering if Fridgeheart or the Battle of Stirling Bridge part 2 is good enough?”

TASK FORCE SUMMER : World beating prime minister Boris Johnson, now famous for assault and battery of his own country’s democracy, is said to have hatched a cunning plan to outwit the invisible enemy.

“Covid-19 won’t see it coming,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “our intelligence reports it’s bedded down in the Midlands, and track and trace call centres across the U.K., just waiting for autumn to launch a fresh offensive. But we’ve got a cunning plan to outmanoeuvre it on the field of battle.”

The plan appears to involve a series of distractions involving when to, and when not to, wear a face mask in the oft close confines of takeaway outlets. But really there’s something far more clever afoot.

“While the invisible enemy in our midst is puzzling over whether or not to jump between the faces of two people not wearing a mask in a Pret we will be preparing a trap so cunning it’s like putting lipstick on a pig and leaving it outside for David Cameron.”

In essence the plan involves using an obscure parliamentary legislative instrument to allow ministers to change the date summer ends.

“Autumn will have to hold cool its heels this year,” the source continues, “as it’s unlikely to begin until Christmas Eve. This will be a boon for charcoal sellers as Brits experience an Australian Christmas. Throw another shrimp on the barbie Shiela! It’s Christmas!”

The extension of summer will also have the minor benefit of pushing back the termination of the Brexit transition period.

“Stopping a pile up of truckers dogging in Kent isn’t the primary motivation of changing the end date of summer,” the source explains, “although for residents of Ashford it will be a tangible benefit. Unless they’re doggers, I guess.”

Quite what Coronavirus will do when it bursts out of hiding into the towns and villages of England in September, only to find it’s still living on the Costa del Thames, isn’t clear.

“We expect mass confusion. Something we’ve already successfully established within a broad swathe of the UK populace. Once Covid-19 is similarly baffled we’ll drive home the advantage and have it beat by Christmas. It thinks it’s going to hang about in cold air just waiting to leap down the throats of true born Englishmen? We’ll it’s got another thing coming.”

And it’s not just a win for the health and safety of voters.

“A mate of Dom has been given a £108m contract without tender to decide exactly the hour and minute of the day to end summer. Make hay while the sun shines, your honour!”

World beating.