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SHOCK at discovery Boris Johnson’s ‘Oven Ready Brexit’ was a lie!

OVEN READY TOILET : THE UK is said to be in a state of severe shock today after the discovery that bears shit in the woods.

The alarming new information began to trickle out across social media platforms last night as first the FT, and then other outlets, raised the alarm.

“I built a special lean to with a bear toilet in it,” George Eustice, Environment Secretary, told LCD Views, “it has specially oversized toilet paper, one of those little 70’s carpet type things around the bowl and everything. Why would a bear not use it?”

The Right Hon George wasn’t the only one in shock. At the time of going to print medics were considering whether or not to place the entirety of the UK in a controlled coma.

The bear who is said to have been observed shitting in the woods and causing the alarm has been described by witnesses as :

  • Mid-50’s
  • Dyed, generally unruly blonde hair
  • Shabby of coat with a preference for anthropomorphising itself by dressing up in ill fitting human clothes – essentially appears to be an old fashioned circus animal, which has escaped.
  • Prolific breeder

“Maybe the clue is in the outfits?” David Davis, keen observer of bear shit, told LCD Views, “I mean I know I’m famously thick as mince, but you don’t expect to teach a bear to wear man clothes and then find it shitting in the woods?”

Specialists will be consulted to attempt to explain the phenomenon in due course, but the rule of thumb appears to be ‘If his lips are moving, he’s lying”.

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Downing Street – UK to be a world class Global Village for all the idiots

HOW MANY ABBOTTS DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE A VILLAGE : DOWNING STREET HAS NOT BEEN IDLE SINCE APPOINTING TONY ABBOTT to do a role he has proven to know pretty much nothing about.

But given that he’s going to be working with Liz Truss, not knowing anything is clearly a plus.

And while some detractors have suggested, unfairly, that the appointment is just the latest little step in the graft of Brexit, others have said the move is just to ‘wind up the libs’. Either is clearly a benefit. They don’t have to be mutually exclusive.

“It’s true we [Brexiters] don’t have any actual achievements to point to, yet,” a Downing Street source admitted to LCD Views, “but to expect any is to miss the point of our movement. Feudalism requires an international coalition of the willing to reassert itself. Tony Abbott is the perfect Australian to help with that. Especially as he’s not completely Aussie. He was born here. Do you know they call him the Mad Monk down under? He’s perfect.”

But what exactly will he be doing? Will he be paid by commission earned on trade deals?

“No! Ha! What? He’ll probably be paid in PPE contracts. Omg. You guys. How naive! We aim to make the UK a Global Village. And what does a village need? It needs an idiot. We can’t expect to become a world class global village unless we attract idiots from all over the world to our village. Tony ate an onion raw once on camera. He’s a perfect fit. He will fit in seamlessly with Grayling, Raab, Johnson, well the list is long. It’s a tangible benefit of Brexit. We’re Global Britain! One day we’ll be allowed to use a fork!”

In other news, a village in Australia has today posted a sign asking for a new village idiot…

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Putting Abbott and Hannan on the Board of Trade held up as an example of right wing humour

HAVING A RIGHT (WING) LAUGH: The BBC’s ambition to make comedy more right wing has been given a helping hand. A humorous individual in Downing Street has just played an extremely funny practical joke on the country.

Indeed, what could be funnier than appointing two dangerous mavericks, with plenty of front but little knowledge of international trade, to the Board of Trade? The right wing comedian behind this side-splitting idea is thought to be Chief Clown Dominic Cummings.

Australia’s worst ever PM, Tony Abbott, has been teamed up with serial shit stirrer and arch Brexitologist, Daniel Hannan. Both promise to be a slapstick idiot on the world stage, making us all laugh with their feeble attempts to make world beating trade deals, their trousers falling down instead!

Watch and hold on to your sides as Tone and Dan throw custard pies at boring officials, then hit each other over the head with foam rubber hammers!

Chuckle incessantly as the gruesome twosome accidentally fall in love with a man dressed as a woman!

The devil has the best tunes. In the same way, the left have the best jokes. The social, intellectual and empathic nature of the lefty lends itself to creativity and humour, whereas the more selfish and unpleasant right wing traits are simply not funny.

But here come the two stooges to change all that! Why try to craft a decent joke, when you can strut about on the world stage, being all sarcastic and misogynist to a laughter track? Feeble women? Hilarious! Poofs and lezzies? What a laugh! Global warming? Stop it, before I wet myself!

And the biggest joke of all – Brexit! That’s a bloody good joke we played on the EU! Imagine their faces as they realise how much they have lost! Picture their anger as we play the ultimate prank! We’ll leave forever and never speak to them again, and then they’ll be sorry!

The UK is rolling in the aisles at the very thought. The BBC has just commissioned 73563378356 episodes of Tony And Dan Fall Over.

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Matt Hancock confirms Coronavirus test booking service will now be available solely via Expedia

HIT THE ROAD MATT : HEALTHY REGIME FUNCTIONARY MATT HANCOCK has moved to shore up his popularity with the travel industry today by making the right change, at the right time, to the Covid-19 testing service.

“The news today is full of tiresome reports of people requesting a Covid-19 test being advised they’ll have to travel the length and breadth of the United Kingdom in order to get one,” Matt told somebody, we suppose, we don’t know who listens to what he has to say, “well I can tell you today that the men who died on those beaches did it so you could see those beaches. Travelling hundreds of miles for a test is the patriotic thing to do.”

Whether it’s wise to be suggesting people, who may potentially be carrying a life threatening, communicable virus, to travel hundreds of miles to different areas of the UK, in order to find out if they have the disease after they get back, is still up for debate.

“But not for Matt,” Matt Hancock told the screaming void that travels with him, absorbing more and more light, becoming so dense that Hancock will soon be his own gravity well, “Matt is sure the men that died on those beaches did it so Matt could support the travel industry during a viral pandemic.”

And that seems to be the key to his actions this week.

“This is why we have moved the Covid-19 booking service onto Expedia. It’s not because we’ve designed a daft system in order to encourage people to hand over all their personal data to a US credit rating service instead.”

Never let it be said.

“And best of all, now when you travel for a Covid-19 test your journey will be ATOS protected!”

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U.K. misses deadline for 2021 food labels – unable to pick font to spell “RATION”

QUEUE FOR BRITAIN : The U.K. government is hoping one of its tastiest screw ups (just this week) will go unnoticed, concealed under a groaning table spread with freshly killed dead cats.

“It’s just a question of world class timing,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “the deadline has passed, but it was a ramped up EU deadline, so it doesn’t matter. The German carmakers will sort it out. We’re Global Britain.”

The deadline itself, regardless of the relevance Downing Street accords it, concerns food labelling for 2021 and the export of food between Britain and Northern Ireland.

“You’re really boring me with the details,” the Downing Street source sighed, “we don’t do detail. Algorithms do detail. We are the great men of history. We bring in the sweeping changes. If a few people have to queue for some bread for a few months, what of it?”

But people aren’t used to food shortages in the UK, not since the war and the end of rationing in the 1950’s.

“Well if food rationing was good enough for the generation that survived the Blitz it will be good enough for patriots today.”

Maybe not. Especially not in Northern Ireland. This is where the labelling issue has the potential to really hit. And you’ve created enough problems for them with Brexit as it is.

“It’s a province. It’s a provincial problem. We are the great men of history bringing in sweeping changes.”

You really believe that?

“We’re world class.”

Idiots?

“Remoaner.”

I was asking a question, not making a statement.

“Oh, sorry. I thought we’d reached the stage of a Brexit discussion where the pro-Brexit interlocutor, unable to support assertions, moves to insults.”

But why miss this deadline? Why give industry another headache and put more cost on the voters?

“We are the great men of history, we are”

Cut the crap. Why did you miss the deadline? I’ll give you this toy Spitfire if you answer?

“Oooo! Give me! Give me!”

Answer first.

“We missed the deadline because we couldn’t make up our minds over which outdated font to use to spell the world ration.”

Thank you. Here you are.

(aeroplane noises and simulated sounds of machine gun fire)

“We’re Global Britain! We’re world class!”

Idiots. And this time it is a statement and not a question.

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UK government hires maritime trade expert to create IT system for Dover/Calais border

Q. WHAT’S A PIRATE’S FAVOURITE POST BREXIT BORDER : The UK Government has signalled experts are back in favour as the country approaches the end of the Brexit transition period.

“Trade will become more difficult and expensive,” an aide to Michael Gove told LCD Views, “but that’s a Brexit benefit. And besides that’s only for lily-livered landlubbers who lack the grit and buccaneering spirit to make the most of Brexit.”

And make the most of Brexit Brits are encouraged to do, as that’s the most patriotic thing to do.

“There maybe some hiccups, naturally, as people adjust to the new reality,” an aide conceded, “especially as the new reality may resemble the 18th century. That being the case I can’t entirely promise it won’t cost you an arm and a leg. But that’s a pirate’s life for you.”

And Gove’s department, responsible for ensuring the seamless end to the transition, isn’t sitting idly smashed out of their brains on coke, or rum. There’s work to do.

“Experts are back in favour!” the aide reveals, “And The Duchy of Gove wants to fill its world with them. To show this we have a star hire to help us design the new customs border at Dover.”

And a world beating hire it is.

“We ran our flag up a pole and waited for the right man to hobble forward. Blackbeard carries a wealth of experience in maritime trade, especially customs borders, so we believe he is the right man to design no less than ten new IT systems. Ready to go by the end of this year. Four of them from scratch. It’s going to be world class.”

We asked Blackbeard for comment, but he wasn’t available. So to make up for it we’ll answer the question posed at the beginning of this article.

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Study finds stopped clock right more often than Boris Johnson

CLUSTER BOMB OF BORIS BEING BORIS : BORIS JOHNSON is used to getting his own way. And used to running away. But those two standards of his life are becoming harder to come by, leading some to suggest he’s not all that clever after all.

“He’s essentially an after dinner speaker for drunk toffs who don’t need to know better, because privilege,” a professor at the newly created Institute told LCD Views, “when you just buy your way out of the messes you make in life you don’t need to think that hard. You don’t need to avoid disaster.”

But it seems that way of coping with life’s ups and downs only gets you so far.

“It can get you to be prime minister,” the professor observes, “it just doesn’t help you afterwards. For some baffling reason, that even we haven’t yet worked out, being prime minister is a tough job that requires focus, commitment and attention to detail. It’s not a role for a self centred blowhard, even if you are happy to let someone else do it for you.”

And we all know who that someone else is. Maybe he’s not too clever either?

“He’s good at one thing at a time. Electoral crime because he’s had political cover. That’s about it. The ability to see things from other’s points of view BEFORE you make decisions is key to being a successful prime minister. Other people are involved in a country. Shock! It’s why Theresa May was also a failure. Boris thought he was being really clever as he did her over and stole the top job, but he was really just pushing her off an accelerating, runaway skip fire on wheels and taking her place on the ride to disaster.”

Whether or not people should start clapping for Boris Johnson to recognise the sacrifice of his over inflated sense of self worth at the feet of reality isn’t yet clear.

“Who would want to?” the professor asks, proving why he’s a professor.

“Boris Johnson thought he was building the Wicker Man for someone else to be shoved inside. When his shadowy backers shove him in he will be surprised.”

So much for Boris.

“He is very impressive. How he got the job? What a blag! When we measured the amount of things he’s gotten right since against the stopped clock in our laboratory we got quite the surprise. On a daily average, consistently, the stopped clock is right two times more often than Mr Johnson. That’s if you can even multiply a zero? Which is the next thing we’re looking into.”

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Downing Street refuses to say what day this week it will U turn on hiring Tony Abbott

THE MAD MONK COMETH : DOWNING STREET is teasing the media scrum today by refusing to announce the day and hour this week when the U turn on hiring Aussie legend Tony “shirtfront” Abbott will happen.

“That would spoil the surprise,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “U turns aren’t planned in advance anyway, they occur once the pressure gets too much. Those who fail to plan plan to U turn. It’s our office motto.”

But the pressure is building, and not helped this morning by Matt Hancock telling Kay Burley that Abbott was being hired because Global Britain needs a trade envoy that brings a wealth of experience in homophobia and misogyny with him.

“I will say though that it was excellent of Matt to distract everyone from the PM’s disaster at PMQs yesterday. Now we’re all talking about Matt again. Which is how he likes it.”

As to what Abbott thinks about the furore over his comments on sensitive subjects, no one has bothered to ask.

“That’s because it’s well known he doesn’t think. He was actually separated from Dominic Raab at birth. They share one brain, cell. It’s a fascinating human story.”

Liz Truss is also rumoured to be feeling a little put out by the decision to hire Abbott descending into farce, as it was her one international success so far.

“Someone is going to have to help Liz. They have to be a bit dim and thuggish as that’s the requirement to work for post Brexit Britain. It’s because of who we intend to cut deals with once we’re free of the tyrannical EU’s minimum standards on human rights,” the source added, “Tony ‘onion eater’ Abbott was a perfect fit for the weirdos and misfits currently holed up in Downing Street.”

Still the U turn, if and when it comes, will presumably be welcomed as the excitement it will generate will conceal some other easily forecast screw up that also needs a U turn.

“It’s tough though,” the source shrugged, “we have to hire the idiots from the former colonies to help us make a success of Brexit. We’re rapidly running out of home grown ones.”

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Downing Street defends spending £352m on stockpile of Matt Hancocks even though each one is useless

GREAT ORIFICES OF STATE : DOWNING STREET is not holding its punches today as critics slam the beleaguered world class administration’s reaction to the Covid-19 crisis.

“Mountain in a teacup really,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “not Covid clearly, that’s a bloody crisis. It put the Prime Minister in intensive care! Stay ALERT. Do not go back to an office if you don’t have to. We’re not!”

Good advice. But this Matt Hancock stockpile? It is related to the Covid-19 crisis. It’s intimately involved with it.

“Biblically intimate?”

Yes.

“Cripes!”

So how do you respond to critics who say one Matt Hancock is one too many? And spending £352m on a stockpile of them is insanity at best, potentially egregious waste of precious resources at second best?

“Sorry. But let me continue on my first point. Do not shake hands with anyone in government! They’re bloody useless at following simple instructions. Mind you, most of their hands are so stained no amount of scrubbing will do it.”

The Matt Hancock stockpile?

“Storm on a molehill.”

Thank you for your time.

“Shake hands on it?”

Get off it!

“Well, shaking hands on it was good enough for the peanut seller in Narnia that sold us all the Matt Hancocks!”

But in spite of the government’s relaxed attitude to the billions wasted (by itself) during the pandemic, unpatriotic critics are continuing to wonder if the novel virus is the latest old fashioned cash in and cash out corruption crisis?

Just how much would you spend on one Matt Hancock? Let alone a pile of them?

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Downing Street : EU making negotiations difficult by refusing to do confidential handshake deal in strip club

MEET ME AT MY CLUB : DOWNING STREET IS reportedly FURIOUS with THE EU today after the UK’s latest wizard wheeze to break the negotiation deadlock was rebuffed by Barnier.

“If Barnier doesn’t sort his ideas out we’ll have to send in Raab,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “nothing is getting through to him. It’s not even clear he understands English as well as we do.”

It seems the brains at 10 Downing Street have tried all the usual strategies to broker a deal.

“We’ve offered him lands and titles in Kent,” the source shrugs, “a meeting with the Queen, offered repeatedly to take him out to private dinners at clubs that offer more than just food, if you know what I mean. He hasn’t gone after any of it. We’re beginning to think he’s too bloody square to do a deal.”

But with all the usual Tory strategies played out, it’s not clear where we go from here.

“Food, water and energy rationing is where we go. Or some bloody humbling U turn that will be presented to the British public as a victory. I guess that’s possible. EU CRACKS AND AGREES TO SELL UK ENOUGH FOOD TO EAT FOR ANOTHER MONTH. That’ll sell.”

It’s believed that the plucky UK, which holds all the cards, will have another go at Barnier this week.

“We’ll attempt to get him to Lady Tza Tza’s this week for some Johnny Walker Black Label and a bit of fun. We only need a handshake deal anyway. Nothing we write on paper is worth the paper it’s written on. Any fool can see that. Oh, and we’ll remind him if he doesn’t play ball this time we’ll get out the kompromat. If he has any. Presumably the EU didn’t think of that when they selected him to negotiate with such clearly upright chaps as ourselves.”

Good luck with that. Perhaps you should get David Davis to call up the German car makers and tell them to get a wriggle on?