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Matt Hancock announces changes to lockdown rules on his MySpace page

MATT THE APP : HEALTH SECRETARY Matt Hancock is already recognised as having led a world beating response to the CV-19 pandemic, no more so than with his messaging.

“Matt first showed his flair for communicating directly to the hearts and minds of the British people when he invoked the WW2 D Day dead as part of his campaign to be leader of the Conservative Party,” a source inside the Health Department recalls, “the British people knew how well Matt took his sacred duty to defend the voters of this great country when he rapidly backtracked on that invocation in order to become Health Secretary.”

And Matt’s reputation is only augmented as time goes on.

“By announcing that the entirety of Manchester is going back into lockdown late last night on his MySpace page, Matt continues to communicate directly to the people he has been chosen to care for.”

The lockdown will go for an indeterminate amount of time, presumably until Manchester elects a friend of Dominic Cummings as Mayor.

“Matt encourages everyone to follow him on MySpace. That way you will also find out what hip new bands Matt is into. It’s really mintox.”

The MySpace comms will continue until Matt the App has been readied to take over the task of communicating changes to laws, with sanctions, relating to the Covid-19 mismanagement.

“Once Matt the App has been upcycled to form the bull’s head of the world beating test, track and isolate system the MySpace page will become a backup. You will be able to download the app via smoke signals. They will be broadcast by Matt personally as he frantically waves a blanket over the pyres he has helped light across England.”

The repurposed Matt app will be called Matt’sPlace and you’re all invited to come and stay, especially if you’re willing to donate to him and you have vested interests in the US private health industrial complex.

“Be sure to check Matt’s Myspace page hourly. Remember, ignorance is no defence against the law, unless you’re a Tory MP.”

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Donald Trump delays 2020 election until he can work out what the hell is going on

Dastardly Donald Trump has decided on a total and complete shutdown of democracy. This will continue until he has completely got to the bottom of how elective democracy operates in the USA.

“There’s Mail-in Voting and Absentee Voting, and NOBODY knows what they mean!!!!” he tweeted from the presidential thunderbox. “This election will be the mostest fraudulentest of all time, so I want it delayed until I can work out what the hell is going on!!!!!!”

Some experienced Trump watchers are convinced that this is a cunning attempt to throw them off the scent.

“When the Donald starts throwing his toys out of his pram, it’s a sign he feels threatened,” explained brain science person Ed Cases. “In this case I imagine that he thinks that he is likely to lose the election.”

Somebody must have pressed Trump’s buttons, because minutes later he was stabbing his screen again.

“People are telling me this isn’t democratic!” he raged. “Well that’s fine because I’m not a democrat, I’m a republican! Witch hunt losers! Sad!”

A comment which was both very clever and very stupid. Not what we normally expect from a man who puts the Moron into oxymoron.

Moments later came another cryptic communication from the self proclaimed very stable genius.

“LAW AND ORDER!”

“His attention span is getting shorter,” observed Cases. “This is typical behaviour for aging psychopaths, and… sorry, I’ve forgotten what we were talking about.”

Shouting empty nonsense into the void is obviously not a sign of an unstable impulsive person unsuited to high office and fingers on the nuclear button.

Fortunately for the world, Trump has recently taken a bigly difficult intelligence test, on which even the most intelligent four year olds would probably have dropped a couple of marks.

So we can all sleep that little bit easier, as we nod off to the soothing words intoned by the most powerful man in earth:

Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV. Person. Woman. Man. Camera. TV.

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Boris Johnson to hire spokesman so he can spend more time shagging

SHAGGER IN CHIEF : DOWNING STREET has announced a change to the way important news is communicated to the country today, with the announcement that an official spokesman will be hired for daily briefings.

“It’s because Dom is running out of ways to spend the country’s money for no quantifiable return,” a source told LCD Views, “we really need to find a way to fill in time before the next big Covid-19 wave. Then it will be back to business as usual, and the dishing out of multi-million pound contracts to our chums. How much is that rubber glove again? Asks the unrelated manufacturer. Let’s just see what’s in the Exchequer, shall we?”

The new spokesperson will admittedly be on a paltry salary, compared to that enjoyed by the “political” reporters employed by the BBC who usually fulfil the role.

“One hundred grand is a little on the tight side, admittedly, if you want to attract the best from the private sector” the source said, “but you get the prestige of standing behind the lectern and talking complete and total bollocks to the nation. What’s that worth? Cleary not much, if you consider Mr Johnson doesn’t want to do it. Still. He’s got a country to run.”

But critics have pointed out that giving speeches to the country is the only identifiable part of the PM’s job that the PM actually bothers to do, now and then. So what will Mr Johnson be doing instead?

“Oh, he’ll be shagging,” the source confirmed, “he’ll barely be visible from here on in. He’s got a to do list.”

The source also confirmed the rumour that Mr Johnson will be replaced at PMQs in the autumn by an empty wine crate. “He’ll be supplying it himself.”

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We are selling off the NHS because your mum’s fat, says Boris Johnson

POUNDING THE PAVEMENTS: Lose the lockdown pounds to save pounds for the NHS, says Number Ten. Or, in other words, you plump idle scroungers are forcing us to sell the NHS to pay for our liposuction.

Boris being Boris, the portly Prime Minister sold this message with a photograph of Dilyn the dog taking him for a walk. Whether the questionable canine really was Dilyn, or a hurried substitute in the manner of the recent “Wilfred” picture, is a moot point.

But the message doesn’t apply to Johnson or any of the Vote Leave mafia squatting on our democracy. These playground bullies pick on anybody and everybody who is not like them.

“By failing to vote to protect the NHS, you are essentially putting it on the table as a bargaining chip in a future trade deal,” goes the argument. “Yeah, but your mum’s fat,” comes the reply. “And my dad could beat up your dad!”

There’s absolutely no answer to that.

“My mum’s NOT fat!” wails the UK, brandishing a portrait of Britannia herself with a sinking feeling. “Your mum’s fa-at! Your mum’s fa-at!” jeer all the Boris Bullies, holding the UK down and punching it in the face while stealing its dinner money.

Let us be entirely clear, as any disrespectful politician wishing to muddy the waters would say. The prospective sale of the NHS is nothing to do with Brexit, or the desperate scramble to seal a deal, any deal, with Donald Trump’s USA. It is absolutely nothing to do with a desire to chop it up into lots of lovely lucrative little cash cows. Instead, it is totally the fault of anybody with a fat mother, or who is a bit chubby themselves, or simply knows of somebody who could probably shed a few pounds.

So there. Pay up, you podgy porkers. Let that be a lesson to everybody who has ever had chips instead of salad. Ner nerny ner ner!

Post Brexit food shortages will ensure that the population is as slimmed down as whatever is left of the NHS.

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Mark Francois to go on secret mission to Spain to beat Germans to sun loungers

BUNGLING BOUNCING BOMB : Mighty Global Britain’s mightiest little potatriot, and bafflingly a member of parliament, Mark Francois, has been selected by Downing Street to go on a secret mission to the Costa del Sol.

“It’s part of a many pronged strategy to show the EU we mean business,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we’re not content to just gaslight the Spanish over Covid-19, as part of putting them off balance before we talk about Gibraltar, we need to get the Germans where it hurts tool. Throw them off balance. Strike terror into their hearts. We need to ensure Merkel caves at the last moment of negotiations and the German automotive sector drive to our rescue.”

To this end little Mark has been selected to go on a secret mission to Spain.

“He won’t have to quarantine when he gets back because we will have changed the rules again by then,” the source continues, “we have to keep everyone off balance. Our own citizens. The WHO. Helen Whately. And especially German tourists.”

What exactly little Mark will do to achieve all this isn’t clear.

“It is. We’ve planned it all. We’re geniuses. He’s going to use his famous ability for European accents to maintain complete surprise. At the same time he will stay up all night, while undercover, singing the national anthem quietly. He must be rigid in the morning and he must be ready to go.”

Go where?

“To the sun loungers of course. Each day he’s going to get to the pool at dawn and place a Union Jack beach towel on a different sun lounger. Just imagine the despair when the Germans see we’ve outplayed them at their own game. They’ll give us what we want in the trade negotiations just to make it stop.”

Junker in his bunker won’t know what hit him. Stay alert potatriots and get ready to seize the sun loungers. Your country is depending on it.

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2500BCE : Alien archaeologists call off inquiry into collapse of human society after finding no mask selfies

ZORGON VII INVESTIGATES : The secrets yielded up by the last fragment of digital cloud on the Planet Earth have brought a dramatic halt to the archaeological inquiry into the collapse of human civilisations in the 21st century (of one of their calendars).

“It has long been believed that human civilisations collapsed as a result of electing barely sentient, ageing males into the positions of high priests. Essentially even mass human sacrifice at the hands of these rudimentary creatures couldn’t appease the God Mammon. We know this by translating the rubbish and juvenile human technology of television. Its signals are still clattering their way out into the galaxy and driving far flung civilisations nuts. Especially ‘The Apprentice’. Had humans not extinguished themselves it’s highly likely the interstellar council would have taken the decision to do it for them. You’re fired humans! Ha!”

The archaeologists involved in the study of Earth had first taken an interest when the last of the television signals were received on their home planet.

“It suddenly went quiet,” lead researcher Zorgon VII said, “we were actually anticipating the first Game of Thrones spin off and nothing. I turned on the human technology simulator and it was just blank. I tried again the next week and still nothing. Not even a Trump rally. It was all very strange. So we decided to spend the four hundred or so years it would take to travel to Earth and investigate on the ground.”

And what they found was not what they expected.

“Whales have started farming. Which is nice. They’ve industrialised krill production. They’re about to commodify it. So, in spite of our earlier expectations they’re probably stuffed too. Which is a shame. Most of the land is under forest of course. Spider Monkeys shagging is now a niche musical genre at home, after we tight beamed it back and some kid remixed it with a contemporary tune.”

But what happened to the humans?

“Anti-maskers. As far was we can tell. There’s still a bit of digital cloud floating about over what was once called New Zealand. It lives in a server powered by a solar array that is still functioning. Just. We got everything we needed from there. They were allowed to get onto aircraft and go on holidays. This carried the new virulent variety of Covid-19 across the Earth and killed the lot. It mutated in a vegetable aisle in Waitrose and before anyone realised what was up it was game over.”

The anti-maskers would be very proud, if they were still alive.

“If they were still alive we would have lifted back off into orbit and nuked the lot of them. Just to be sure.”

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“It’s not me, it’s you” – Government Defends Spain Quarantine Measures

The newest quarantine policy was announced so late on Saturday that the government had to bring in Charlie Lines, an aid frequently used during late night sittings, which explains more than a thing or two.

Subsequently, a spokesman issued a statement outside No 10 this morning.

“The government denies short-termism and insists the new measures, whatever they are, are fully in line with long term policy. The measures will also be extended to include the whole of Europe and run until December the 31st.”

The new measures have nothing to do with trade negotiations with the EU. Let us be clear.

Asked why the PM was not making the announcement, he offered a completely feasible explanation.

“The PM is an old friend of Charlie Lines and had spent most of the night talking in the upstairs flat. He will make a statement when he comes down later today. If you’re lucky he will have made a visual representation of the new policy out of empty wine crates.”

Asked why the year end date had been chosen, he was absolutely believable.

“After the Brexit extension period ends restrictions will not be needed, as there will be no air travel to Europe anyway. We really have thought of everything.”

He went on to say, “People need to realise how serious we are about anymore of British taxpayer’s money going to the EU. That money is needed at home. We have to look after ourselves first.”

Pressed on whether this was the end of European holidays for Brits he replied, “Of course not, we are planning massive extensions at Manchester and Belfast airports. Travellers will fly to Belfast, get the train to Dublin, from where they are able to fly to anywhere in the world. It’s all part of our Northern Powerhouse agenda and may also get the DUP back on side, in time for the next election”.

We contacted the transport secretary, Grant Shapps, who denied being affected by the measures, as he was in Spain to access childcare while taking an eye test.

He further explained, “I was contacted by the PM late on Friday and informed that Helen Whateley had been moved from Health to the Department of Transport. He also told me she had to accompany me on my annual visit to the Sotogrande Yacht Show. This is huge and lasts for six months, the measures will have eased by the time we get back. And if they haven’t, we will use the parliamentary instrument called ‘Dom’s Defence’.”

LCD View’s understands, that following a recent TV interview, the Prime Minister wanted to broaden Helen’s horizons by having her travel more and was pleased to be getting her out of the country so soon.

“He had to move her from Health,” a source added, “a 12-month stint investigating herd immunity on The Serengeti will benefit her, and the entire country. Any rumours that it will have to be cancelled as she can’t get her injections in time should be discounted. We are hiding the right ministers at the right time.”

Asked what Global Britons should say to Spanish people in particular at the moment, if they bring up the new quarantine measures in the context of relative CV-19 mortality rates, the spokesman advised,

“Say it’s not me, it’s you. Then leg it. Works for Boris every time.”

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Theresa May fails cognitive test after only remembering three words “Brexit. Means. Brexit.”

WITH LEADERS LIKE THESE : CHIEF ARCHITECT OF THE HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT, sponsor of ‘Go Home Vans’, agile thinker and former prime minister, Theresa May, has put herself in an embarrassing situation today after failing a basic cognitive test.

“Ms May didn’t want to be left out of what is now seen as the gold standard in tests for global intellects,” an aide (claiming to be) to the former prime minister told LCD Views, “I guess seeing Donald Trump smashing it she must have remembered that romantic moment when she held his hand in Washington. She was moved. Which is not something you usually say about the politician who stood mute and incapable of activity for days in the face of the Grenfell disaster.”

Whether or not it was memories of walking with POTUS that inspired Ms May to get involved in the viral test isn’t really clear, but the results are.

“I guess it was easier for Mr Trump. Remembering, ‘I. Put. Kids. In. Cages’, that sticks with you. Maybe Ms May is still suffering from the impact of robotically repeating slogans her entire time in office?”

As that is all she was capable of when taking the test.

“She just kept repeating ‘Brexit means Brexit’. When someone whispered to her that it was five words she had to recall, she switched it up and tried ‘No Deal Is Better Than A Bad Deal’. That was too many words clearly. You can have too many memories. Ask anyone.”

But while Ms May was said to be attempting to shrug off the complete failure of her entire career (to achieve anything positive), experts are saying the result is actually worse than it seems.

“It’s really just two words,” a cognitive test expert opined, “Brexit and means. And no one knows what it means still. Not really. But they’re about to find out come January 1st 2021. Then you’ll only need four letter words to explain Brexit and its backers.”

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Newly formed ‘Kent Independence Party’ chooses a parked lorry as symbol

THE GRAND OLD KING OF THANET : Nigel Farage is in denial mode this morning after his latest political party set its sights on just the borders of Kent.

“NO, NO, let me speak,” Mr Farage told a pursed lipped Andrew Marr, as surprisingly, the BBC gave him a platform for his latest crusade.

“There is no suggestion, none whatsoever that Russian, or American money, is bankrolling my mission to free the good people of Kent from the tyrannical rule of the unelected bureaucrat in Downing Street. Ordinary Kent oligarchs are donating money to the cause in multiples of £25 thousands of individual times. This is a people’s revolution.”

And the formation of the Kent Independence Party is said to have taken Westminster by surprise, but is not seen as a serious threat to the integrity of the UK’s internal market.

“We didn’t see it coming,” a superforecaster said, “but then, we don’t see anything coming. We’re too busy telling ourselves about our own genius.”

But what slogan Mr Farage will choose to spearhead his latest battle to free his chosen people isn’t yet clear.

“Make Kent Great Again,” Mr Farage told Marr, “that’s not a slogan. It’s a divine mission. For too long the patriotic people of Kent have been held to ransom by Downing Street while thousands of illegal refugees flood our borders from Sussex. I am not even calling for a referendum this time, just the immediate and complete independence of Kent. Our capital will be Thanet. And we will be shortly issuing our own coins with myself, humbly, agreeing to the people’s demands to be the figurehead.”

Look out for the flags of the Kent Independence Movement being raised around the newly built lorry parks as Mr Farage strives for relevance.

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Boris Johnson celebrates Dominic Cummings’ first year in office

BY THEIR WORKS WILL THEY BE KNOWN : The masters’ puppet, Boris Johnson, has made a video to celebrate the puppet masters first year in the office of Prime Minister.

“Whaaa whaaa where do I start?” the fading blonde, limb stringed automaton started, answering his own question.

“Shall I start with the illegal Prorogation of Parliament? A real humdinger! Can you imagine a prime minister staying in office in an earlier epoch? If he’d lied to Her Majesty? Even a PM as clever as old Cummings/lliot/Trump/Koch/Mercer/Putin!”

No. Their party would have thrown them out of office.

“Maybe I should start with that oven ready Brexit? You know the slogan! It won Dom the GE while I masterfully hid from Morgan in a fridge. Real pizazz! Class act. Almost as dazzling as when I put that reporter’s phone in my pocket.”

Also definitely right up there with the “achievements”.

“Or maybe I should be more contemporary? Ye old plague that stalks the land because I couldn’t be bothered to stop making buses from old wine crates and go to the snake council? What snake is it? Python? Mamba? Cobra! That’s it! What do they do there again? I haven’t the foggiest! Bloody talking shop with no booze. Talking about boring the pants off you. I don’t need my pants bored off. They incinerate the moment I open my mouth.”

We think stick with your achievements during the pandemic.

“I said I’d solve the social care crisis. Bloody hell. Thanks to Covid-19, we’ve made a great start. Just imagine how we’ll build on it in 2021 with Brexit!”