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Hackers abandon attempt to hack Jacob Rees-mogg’s email after discovery it’s a 19th century messenger boy

SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE : RUSSIAN HACKERS are reported to have been left confused and flummoxed after a failed attempt to hack the gmail account of noted Victorian parliamentarian Jacob Rees-mogg.

It’s understood the effort was made in order to build on the success gained by hacking Liam Fox’s account.

“That wasn’t all it appeared to be,” our Intelligence and Security analyst says, “all anyone learned from that was that the UK government intends to sell the NHS to the US. Wow? Pinch me? Am I dreaming? Oh, and what curtains Mr Fox’s friend likes for games of hide and seek. Again, no surprise there.”

So they figured on going after a bigger fish? An ERG?

“Yes. And it appears they successfully (allegedly) broke into the PC he’s been supplied with by parliament,” our analyst confirms, “but found it completely empty. Virgin state. Unused. So it seems. The only actual content on the computer was the standard warning about accessing adult content on the premises of Westminster, known in the Commons as ‘Green’s Hobby’, oh, and a guide to using Google to look up Latin.”

It’s believed the hackers then broke into the PCs of his parliamentary staffers, and close family members, but also came up empty handed.

It was after this they made the key move that led to the dispiriting discovery.

“One of the hackers is currently working in London as a ball boy at tennis fundraisers. He was tasked with trailing the antiquated MP to get actual eyes on the laptop or tablet he must be using.”

Android or Apple?

“Oh, they didn’t blood type Rees-mogg. He’s presumed to be human, although that is unconfirmed. But what they did see was him using a series of runner boys to convey and receive messages. His email is 19th century. He’s understood to believe digital communication is witchcraft.”

What are they going to do about it?

“They’re going to employ some muggers.”

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Government tells drugs industry to create six week stockpile for end of transition period

THEY JUST HAVEN’T THOUGHT THIS THROUGH: It’s been widely reported that the UK pharmaceutical industry has been ordered by government to multi-task ahead of the end of the Brexit transition. We decided to investigate why, because the fake news won’t tell you.

“It’s because there’s a global pandemic on,” a source at Downing Street told LCD Views (during a completely fictional interview for this fabricated article), “not many people know this, but the world has caught a bad cold. We weren’t sure the UK pharmaceutical sector would have their eye on the rebirth of the UK as Global Britain, while desperately managing global supply lines in the middle of the plague.”

It’s a good thing you’ve got your eye on the ball.

“Of course, most of them just sighed and hung up. A few told us, look, we’re busy packing our bags ahead of the end of the Brexit transition, do you mind? Sort yourselves out. We consider the consultation to have been a success. No one has to worry about dying for Brexit. All sacrifices will be the fault of the EU.”

It’s good to know where we stand.

“And we’ve thought about the needs of ministers, once we rebirth as Global Britain. To this end we’ve stockpiled the entirety of this year’s Domaine de la Romanee-Conti Romanee-Conti Grand Cru 1972 for the cellars at Chequers. This will ensure the prime minister does not run out of arts and crafts supplies for the first six weeks of 2020. Long enough for the EU to realise who they’re dealing with and play ball.”

But what about Michael Gove?

“Oh, he’s in charge of it. He’s ordered the UK’s cocaine suppliers to stockpile six weeks of drugs too. He tried stockpiling personally, but it was a total fail. Although, by all reports, one hell of a night.”

Brexit – we’ve got our best people working on it. Well, they’re talking about it A LOT, at any rate.

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Man who knows what he voted for claims he didn’t know what he voted for

ALWAYS READ THE SMALL PRINT BEFORE YOU SIGN: Or before you vote. The embarrassment that is Iain Duncan Smith has finally realised that he voted for something whose devil was in the detail.

It’s taken eight months for Smith to get around to reading the Withdrawal Agreement. An Agreement he voted for with great enthusiasm at the time. And an Agreement so perfect that he voted against giving parliament extra time to examine it.

In fact the Agreement is full of little firecrackers that the broad brush Brexiters couldn’t be bothered to brush up on.

This self own will only serve to increase Smith’s already impressive unpopularity. Smith is admitting that he either did not read the Agreement, did not understand it, or did not consider its implications. Possibly all three.

In this instance, he perfectly fulfils the Brexiter stereotype. Big, impressive rhetoric connected to an absolute refusal to do the necessary work or refer to known facts.

Leavers knew what they voted for, we are told constantly. Until, like Smith, you do a cursory amount of investigation into the Brexit claims, and find the unicorn you were promised is actually a pig in a poke.

These two stances are contradictory. You either know, or you don’t. Smith is caught on the horns of a paradox, in which he simultaneously knew and didn’t know what he was voting for.

That’s Brexit, of course. A delusion married to a paradox and wrapped up in a contradiction. You can’t have your cake and eat it. In fact there is no cake at all, just a bitter pill and humble pie for afters.

You won, Iain Duncan Smith. So suck it up, get over it, and if you don’t like it you can leave. So long as you have your shiny new black French made Blue Passport and a visa to get you into Kent to get yourself onto a ferry or the Eurostar.

After all, you knew what you voted for, even if you didn’t.

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Downing Street ready to deny existence of Kent in event of No Deal Brexit

OPERATION BLIND PRAT : THERE HAS BEEN MUCH IN THE NEWS recently about preparations for Global Britain’s trading future, once the mighty lion of global trade is free of the failing EU.

“Most of the media attention has been focused on what happens to Kent,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “which is odd. It’s not exactly a preoccupation in Downing Street. We got Brexit done. Did no one tell Kent? Should we send a runner down?”

But focus on Kent the powers that be now have to as they fulfil the democratic decision of the British people to destroy Kent.

“First off we’re going to wall it off,” the source shrugged, “presumably they grow their own food down there? They’ll be alright. They can always turn to cannibalism. Once we’ve walled it off with those lorry passes we move onto the next stage. Operation Brock [misspelling – should be Operation Broke]. Jam the roads up so the peasants can’t march on London and revolt. It really will be very simple.”

And then what?

“Oh, once Kent is a lorry carpark full of screaming Brexiters who didn’t know what they were voting for, then we move onto the next stage. We deny its existence. We’ve never heard of it. Next subject please.”

But won’t people notice that Kent is missing? Won’t they be concerned by the disappearance of Kent?

“Nigel Farage was allowed to reign as the King of Thanet for years,” the source said, with another shrug, “If we gave even half a shit about Kent we would have put a stop to it. Besides, Dom has a mate who prints geography books. Denying the existence of Kent will be a real moneymaker [for Dom’s mate]. We’ve thought of everything [they have?].”

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Liam Fox’s gmail password revealed to be “password”

FOX IN THE BLACK BOX: Leaky Liam Fox has his email account hacked. Using world beating cybercrime techniques, the Russian boffins eventually cracked his account by employing the password “password”.

It’s a shock to realise that a man so out of touch with the ordinary people actually uses gmail like the rest of us. It’s traditionally seen as a less secure version of the standard Westminster communication conduit of messenger boys on bicycles, who bear messages engraved upon the finest vellum using goose quill pens.

The hackers discovered a treasure trove of information. Secret plans to destroy the economy. Underhand methods of transferring the NHS into private hands. Billets doux to Adam Werrity.

We all know what happened next. The documents came into the hands of Jeremy Corbyn. This meant that nobody believed that the documents were real, and also that Corbyn could be blamed for the leaks.

“Cyber security has been ramped up considerably since the Russian invasion,” remarked snubbed Intelligence and Security Committee chairman-elect, Chris Grayling. “Every account now has an uncrackable password!”

And what is this amazing new password?

“password1,” replied Grayling smugly. “They’ll never guess that one!”

In the interests of balance, LCD Views spoke to an actual expert from an actual internet safety company.

“It’s traditional to leak this kind of material,” explained the expert, Ethan Ette-Cable. “It’s the most passive aggressive way to reveal secrets without being seen to be doing it. Using an insecure webmail address is the modern equivalent of leaving the documents on a train.”

And how easy is it for the ordinary hacker to crack into gmail?

“Basically any smart eight year old with an internet connection could do it,” said Ette-Cable. “But using ‘password’ as your password is basically bloody stupid, and an open invitation to pop in and have a look.”

It’s like hunting for treasure!

“Yes, it’s very addictive, although usually all you find is communications about someone’s supermarket delivery time,” sneered Ette-Cable. “Occasionally though you find gems like the nuclear codes or Donald Trump’s personal phone number.”

Liam Fox is hoping to lead the WTO. The logical response is WTF?!

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The Russia Report is 10 months out of date, says government that delayed it for 10 months

PUTIN ON THE RITZ: The long awaited Russia Report is useless because it’s out of date, according to Priti Patel among others. Any delays caused by a government unwilling to release it are purely coincidental.

This is the latest attempt to deflect attention from the damning report. Nigel “Mr Irrelevant” Farage was crowing about the infamous referendum, just for a change from harassing migrants. “There was no evidence of Russian interference!” he shouted gleefully to anybody unlucky enough to be in range. “So we got away with it!”

One hopes that Mr Farage can rest a little easier these days, although he is clearly affected by an excess of bile.

Oh so Priti Patel took a different tack. “The report has gone out of date while we have been sitting on it,” she smirked. “We have since tightened up our procedures, so that there is less of a paper trail for the Intelligence and Security Committee to follow.”

To put the matter to bed, Boris Johnson has elevated Evgeny Lebedev to the House of Lords. The presence of a Russian newspaper mogul, whose father was a KGB agent, and who made a fortune from the collapse of the USSR, is entirely reassuring.

The temptation to draw a parallel between Lebedev and the vultures awaiting the collapse of the UK, if not the EU, is strong. 

It is also tempting to deduce that powerful Russian interests are paying for Brexit, so they can clean up like Lebedev did. It is hard not to conclude that the same people are paying the government to ignore the evidence of interference, and to block the actions of the security services.

Indeed the Report makes this crystal clear. “The [REDACTED] paid for [REDACTED],” reads one ***-rated passage, unambiguously. “[REDACTED] used troll farms and bots to [REDACTED], and ensure that the referendum was [REDACTED].”

Julian Lewis, who was voted chair of the Committee in place of placemat Chris Grayling, published the Report, and had the whip removed as a reward. “[REDACTED]!!” was his pithy response.

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London Bridge to be demolished so Boris Johnson can promise to rebuild it

HE’S A FIRESTARTER : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON NEVER SEEMS TO TAKE A YEAR OFF and his restless attitude to government is no more obvious than in his visionary policy proposals for big infrastructure.

His latest proposal will do nothing to diminish his reputation for grand designs, regardless of what is missing in the detail.

“He’ll light the fuse himself,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “or maybe put it out to tender. People can bid to do it. Then we can award the contract to blow up London Bridge to a party donor.”

Bid to do what exactly? Come again?

“Blow up London Bridge of course,” the source replied, “then we can rebuild it. Bigger. Better. And with less red tape. Right now you can hardly move across the bloody structure for all the overweening EU red tape about what parts of the bridge are pedestrian, which are for motorised traffic. How strong the foundations need to be. Whether it should be able to stand up in a tidal river or not. Ghastly. Costs us millions per week that could be better spent on peerages.”

But the current London Bridge was built before the U.K. joined the common market.

“See! Just proves how many and busy are the EU’s tentacles.”

So the plan to blow up and rebuild the bridge is to show the EU who is boss?

“Oh, they know that already. Some Russian chap. Just became a Lord. No. The plan to demolish the famous bridge comes from Mr Johnson’s hands on approach to fatherhood.“

Fascinating.

“Dom has been singing nursery rhymes to him to help him get to sleep. Also so Boris learns them himself. It’s for a photo shoot that will appear in the Telegraph on the new national holiday – Boris Day – this will be a celebration focused on fatherhood. Everyone is Boris’s child, or girlfriend, or ex-mistress, or wife, or bro now. The whole country. Perhaps the entire continent.”

And it seems ‘London Bridge is Falling Down’ is a firm favourite.

“It’s an inspirational old song, especially if you’ve friends in the construction industry. Oh, and the cost of the entire project will be self-financing, as we’ll be selling off the rubble as souvenirs. Testaments to Johnson’s premiership.”

He really has thought this through.

“He wants to get Britain building again,” the source confirmed, “which is why he’s so keen on demolishing it.”

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Boris Johnson gives peerage to Covid-19 for “helping to disguise the effects of Brexit”

LIFE LONG PEER : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON STANDS ACCUSED TODAY OF DISHING OUT PEERAGES AND KNIGHTHOODS to friends and donors, with little thought to the democratic damage.

But amongst the furore over Kremlin linked donors becoming Lords, Brexit backing ex-Labour MPs elevating, attention seeking, contrarian rent a gobs going up too, and men who put bins out getting knighthoods, many have missed an obvious name on the list.

“Lord Covid-19 of Westminster,” a source at Downing Street confirmed, “it has a nice ring to it, don’t you think? And to be honest, Lord Covid has done more to help us out as we barrel towards the cliff edge of a No Deal Brexit, like a runaway wheelbarrow full of burning chickens (who should be roosting quietly) than most on the list. It deserves to get the ermine.”

However there is some confusion over what aspect of Covid’s service to Johnson the vicious little strand of RNA is getting the award for.

“People are asking if it’s for services to disguising the impact of Brexit? It is. People are also asking is it because of how Lord Covid has allowed us to loot the Exchequer egregiously, like a failed state run by a mob? It’s that too. It’s both things. Oh, and it once put the bins out. Which was nice.”

And there is another obvious element to the elevation of Covid-19 to the Lords.

“It’s a life peerage,” the source added, “which with our management of the pandemic is exactly how long we expect Covid-19 to be with us. And to enjoy its tangible benefits.”

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Our mixed messaging has been entirely consistent, claims Matt Hancock

DOUBLING DOWN, AND UP: Let us be entirely clear. Matt Hancock claims that the messages from the government have been consistent, despite being changed on a daily basis.

Little Matt Hancock, who has had to learn the art of being completely two faced while the public watched his transformation, was keen to defend official guidance.

“Hands, Face, Space has always been the message,” said an exhausted Hancock. “It has never changed and never will. It means the same as Check, Change, Go, and if you think about it, it’s the same as Brexit Means Brexit.”

Hang on. The only consistent thing there is that each slogan has three words.

“Stay Alert was only two words,” replied Hancock pompously. “Stay Home, Stay Safe, Get Brexit Done, Eat More Chips. The underlying message is the same!”

In that case, could you explain the underlying message, because quite frankly the public are confused.

“There is no confusion!” exclaimed Hancock, now desperately looking for a way out. “Protect The NHS. Track And Trace. Stand And Deliver. We are all in this together, and the same rules apply to everyone!”

Which is fine, until you recall that “Classic” Dom Cummings broke lockdown and was defended to the hilt. The government sacrificed its authority to save Cummings’ skin.

“That was a special case!” stammered Little Matt. “Control The Virus. We Don’t Know. Give Us Your Fokkin Money!”

Nature abhors a vacuum. So into the confusion and ambiguity created by meaningless empty slogans designed to conceal a complete lack of policy, rushes the Great British Public. A public that has no faith in the government and uses its British Common Sense to justify not being sensible.

“If the public wish to get infected with covid-19, then I won’t interfere with the Will Of The People,” concluded Hancock, finally finding the loophole he was looking for. “Herd Immunity, We Don’t Care, It’s YOUR Fault!”

Blame The Public. Collect The Money. Wash Your Hands.

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CV-19 update : Northerners must stay home, but may visit Leeds Castle for eye tests

CLEAR AS MUD ON A WINDSHIELD : THE GOVERNMENT HAS BEEN FORCED to reintroduce Coronavirus restrictions in the north of England after people followed their advice.

“I don’t honestly know what’s got into you all,” Mr Johnson told the nation this lunchtime, “we said you must go back to work if you can, you must go to pubs if you can, you must get back out and enjoy all the things you’ve been missing, if you can, basically you must keep the high road and hospitality industries alive, if you can, but you had to STAY ALERT and CONTROL THE VIRUS while getting hammered with family and friends. Your selfish behaviour has COST LIVES.”

How the nation will deal with being told off isn’t clear, but it’s likely there will be a massive shrug.

“I don’t honestly know what to make of it,” our pandemic affairs analyst says, “it’s almost as if the messaging is designed to confuse, so the government of Dominic Cummings can continue to pursue herd immunity. This would have the advantage of potentially eradicating a potentially tricky section of the population when it comes to selling off the health services lock, stock and barrel to US corporate interests. But it can’t be that. The primary job of government is to protect the populace. There must be something in the superforecasts that I’m missing.”

But it isn’t all confusing news. There is some welcome clarity in the new restrictions.

“The good people of the north of England may not visit each other in their homes at present, and they must not leave their region,” Mr Johnson added extra clarity, “but under Dom’s Law they can still visit Leeds castle for an eye test.”

Dominic Raab will be holding a press conference later today, complete with a map of Siberia, to explain how to do this.