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Boris Johnson forecast to win 93.6% of vote in 2024 GE

OVERWHELMING MANDATES : PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson is already in a celebratory mood ahead of the 2024 GE, with electoral superforecasters predicting a barnstorming victory.

“He’s employed some campaign specialists from our good friends in Belarus,” a Downing Street source said, “so the result is a foregone conclusion. Why wait? Let’s celebrate. You’ve all seen the amazing work they do over there at the ballot box. We aim to learn lessons, now that we’re a free, sovereign nation, no longer limited by the tyrannical EU.”

The lessons appear to be mostly centred on the counting of votes and the best way to add them up.

“Some say that a proper mandate for a government is in the low 60’s. It gives a veneer of respectability. But the British people are one thing, why shouldn’t they vote as an overwhelming bloc? The British People are united behind Brexit. The British People are united over the need to push refugees back into France, or the sea. The British People are a homogenous bloc. That’s democracy. One voice. One people. The people will decide to support Boris.”

But the Downing Street regime’s internal critics have raised an eyebrow over the need to bring the fix in.

“We’re already doing away with judicial review. The NCA seems more focused on the clandestine threat of people waving for help in the water,” one said, “and you don’t need a bloody electoral win in the 90’s! Just look at the last GE. 43.6% of the vote and total power. Let’s stick with FPTP.”

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Cummings to address nation on importance of using qualified optometrists for eye tests

SEEING IS DECEIVING : Actual British Prime Minister Dominic Cummings to is address the nation over an eye boggling craze that is seeing optometrists going out of business.

“Stop driving to castles, you plebs,” Mr Cummings is to begin his address, in what critics have noted is a more conciliatory tone than usual. “Use a registered and qualified optometrist instead.”

Some have reacted to the new, public health focused tone, by wondering if Mr Cummings has friends who have bought shares in optometrists?

“It doesn’t matter if I have,” Mr Cummings will continue, throwing his arms around his people, “or what I do. Haven’t you got it yet? I’m laughing at you. I’m trolling you. I rule you. You are there to be harvested, essentially. You are my flock. Mwahahahaha!”

The speech will be welcomed by the nation, and reported as such by the BBC.

“It will build on the important work Home Secretary Priti Patel has been doing on warning people over the dangers of inward migration,” one observer said, “and Boris Johnson’s lectures on moral responsibility. Such an example to the nation of what to do.”

But castle builders are thought to be upset.

“When Jenrick asked me to put in my plans for a new development of Norman style castles in Wales I was reassured that additional income would come from people driving out to test their eyes,” Bob’s Builders told us, “if you build it, they will come. That’s what I was told. I reckon he’s doing this to punish me because I didn’t bid for a PPE contract.”

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Global Britain to pour water into the English Channel creating a slope so migrant boats slide downhill to France

IT’S A SLIPPERY SLOPE: Send ’em Home Secretary Priti Patel has found the perfect solution to the supposed migrant crisis. By piling up water on the English side of the Channel, she will force invading vessels to slide back downhill to France.

Patel despatched her best lieutenants to make the arrangements. LCD Views has seen the minutes of the planning meeting, and has reconstructed events.

“I’m in charge, now show me where the water is on the map!” demanded Dominic Raab.

“It’s there, all the blue stuff,” replied Chris Grayling. “It’s everywhere!”

“Ahem, that’s where Mr Grayling has been crayoning on the map,” remarked the incredulous civil servant appointed to do the necessary paperwork.

Several hours later, a clean map had been pinned to the wall, the right way up. “Excellent!” remarked Raab. “Now the water will all flow down to the Channel at the bottom!” The civil servant facepalmed, not for the first time.

“So the water hasn’t flowed away because there are hollows in the land? And that’s what lakes are?” asked Grayling tentatively.

“Yes, and that’s why it’s called the Lake District,” confirmed the civil servant wearily.

“Will it matter if we drain them?”

“No, it’s in The North.”

“Look! There’s lots more water over there!” said Raab, pointing at Wales.

“Yes, we’ll take all the water from the Welsh lakes. The Welsh are so thick they will never cotton on. They didn’t notice when we drowned all those villages to make reservoirs, the bloody fools. Cofiwch Dryweryn?”

“You what?” asked Raab.

“Never mind, let’s get it done,” said the frustrated civil servant.

The project was given an unexpected boost when Liz Truss revealed that she has an advisor who can supply all the water you want from a factory in China.

The new slope in the Channel has another hidden benefit. The UK is set to be world beating at water skiing.

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Entire British establishment toppled by a few desperate blokes in a dinghy

HOUSE OF CARDS: The entire structure of British life has collapsed like a line of dominoes. The catalyst for this cataclysm is the arrival off the Kent coast of a small number of refugees in an inflatable boat.

The men, who were half starved and penniless, threw themselves upon the munificent mercy of the British establishment. Within hours the entire facade of respectability had collapsed, and the triumphant migrants were sitting pretty in a four star hotel in Bromsgrove.

How could this happen? How did a few blokes in a dinghy achieve what nobody else could? The reason is simple: the noisy self publicist and former shock jock Nigel Farage.

“IT’S AN INVASION!!!?;!?” yelled Farage from the safety of his Chelsea Tractor, as the men came ashore. The invasion, which in truth rather resembled a crap family day out by the sea in bad weather, wearily pulled their massive six seater inflatable up onto the grey shingle. “SOMETHING MUST BE DONE! WHERE ARE THE PRESS?????? WHERE ARE THE POLITICIANS?????? WE ARE BEING OVERRUN!!!!!!?!+!??”-!”

In the blink of an eye, the scene changed. Seemingly by magic, Farage and the very same migrants had arrived in a smart hotel in the West Midlands, and there was no room at the inn.

“I WANT A ROOM! I! WANT! A! ROOM!” screamed Farage at the bewildered hotel staff. “Sorry,” the manager explained, “but the last time we refused a room to migrants, they gave birth to the Messiah, and we ended up in deep shit for turning them away. It’s been company policy for 2,000 years to prioritise migrants of Middle Eastern origin, just in case we witness the Second Coming.”

“Right, my mates are going to hear about this!” threatened Farage, almost comically.

“Run the fucking article, if only to get that obnoxious gobshite off our backs,” sighed the senior news editor at the BBC, putting down the phone as Farage continued to rant and rave on the other end.

It was the same story at all the major newspapers. Three men in a boat was big news and a security threat, and not just a whimsical Victorian novel.

In Westminster, send ’em Home Secretary Priti Patel was so spooked by the news that she panicked. “Our national security is under threat!” she announced. “Run away! Run away! Panic stations! They are coming!”

Boris Johnson was already safe and out of harm’s way, but pulled the fridge door just a little tighter to be certain.

Unconfirmed rumours are coming in from people claiming to have seen Dominic Cummings taking his child to the toilet at Wetherby services. “Security at risk? What has that nincompoop Grayling done this time?” he muttered according to the witnesses. Cummings later denied this in a blog post dated April 1 2019.

The Royal Family immediately upped sticks and rushed to Balmoral. “One hopes to stay in Scotland until the fuss dies down,” said a source close to the Queen. “Then one can be European again. One is quite prepared for a diminished role in a republican EU, and it will be one in the eye for the fucking twats in Ingerlund.”

Nature abhors a moral vacuum. Surely three enterprising men in an inflatable dinghy couldn’t do any worse than the current bunch.

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Downing Street applies to IMF for emergency loan to fund latest PPE contract

BACK TO THE FUTURE : DOWNING STREET has confirmed today that Pretend Prime Minister Boris Johnson has written to the all too real International Monetary Fund requesting an emergency bail out.

The surprising move will of course please Brexiters, who are dead keen to get back to the 1970’s. A time when Britain was truly Great, and you could make racist jokes.

The sum requested is somewhat larger than ones asked for in earlier times, but this is largely due to the way inflation is impacting the cost of PPE.

“Rubber gloves are now worth more than gold,” an aide to UK Trade Tsar, Liz Truss, told LCD Views, “well, they are if you know the right people. It doesn’t matter if you have zero experience or understanding of PPE manufacture and supply. What matters is the confidence you project when you get on the phone. How difficult can it be anyway? If you’ve mastered casino trading, you can bloody well get some foreign chap to throw together a mask. Ha!”

And it’s not just the value per gram of rubber gloves that has blossomed, face masks are also rising in price by the hour.

“Forget the crypto-currency boom and bust, you want to get yourself into rubber,” the aide continued, “it’s a good thing money is all digital these days. I would need a basement conversion to store all the cash. Face shields are now worth more, by ounce, than palladium! Ha!”

It’s not clear at the time of going to print how the IMF will respond to Mr Johnson’s request, but some are urging caution.

“The main sticking point will probably be in the fact that it’s a loan,” our IMF specialist comments, “and not a steal. There maybe reduced confidence that the current UK government will have any intention of paying it back.”

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UK requests EU control UK’s external borders as “after Brexit we will be too busy controlling our internal ones”

WHAT’S A BOARDER BETWEEN FRIENDS : The UK government has set France straight on its international obligations today, as handfuls of humans continue to INVADE the U.K.

“They have the experience,” a Home Office official shrugged, “Continental Europe controls thousands and thousands of displaced people each year. We don’t have the experience because we’re focused on the supply side of the issue. On the bombs. On servicing the financial services needs of the kleptocracies. Everyone has their part to play. We do ours. They need to do theirs.”

What France will think of the demand isn’t yet clear, with some suggesting Downing Street might have to dig a little deeper into why there’s now a famous Gallic shrug on the matter?

“It’s obvious. They’re jealous because we won the war,” the aide commented, “Agincourt. They’ve never gotten over it. They mention it constantly. Mind you, if I was embarrassed by half a dozen guys with sling shots on my home turf I’d have trouble letting it go too. Perhaps we should extend an olive branch? Tell them it’s time to stop obsessing over past conflicts and focus on the here and now? Terribly sentimental types. Overwhelmed with nostalgia. Not at all like our forward looking, internationalist regime.”

And of course the elephant in the room must be Brexit.

“More envy. We’ve taken back control as a sovereign state. They don’t like that. They simply have to patrol the English Channel for us now. We’re going to be too busy patrolling the land border with Kent to stop bored truckers dogging in England’s garden.”

Perhaps we could pay the French to do it for us? After the Dublin Agreement expires at the end of 2020?

“Not a bad plan. £350m per week will probably do it. It’ll be brokered by a mate of Dom’s.”

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Wasting £250m on useless PPE is good value for Britain, says Michael Gove

MONEY FOR NOTHING AND YOUR CHICKS FOR FREE: That’s the way you do it. Handout means handout, remarked Michael Gove gnomically, as the garden gnome of international politics defended Government spending.

“Let me be absolutely clear about this,” he continued, before spinning a web of nonsense so cunning you almost have to admire it. “We are supporting and encouraging small businesses on the world stage. Mistakes may be made, through inexperience or overconfidence, and we, the British public, would do well to forgive this!”

All we can see is snouts in the trough, your buddies helping themselves to our hard earned cash, suggested LCD Views’ Gravy Train correspondent.

“No, no, no, not at all,” replied Gove, surreptitiously removing flecks of white powder from beneath his left nostril. “This is an investment in the future of Global Britain! I was as surprised as anyone to discover that the directors of the companies to which you refer happen to know Dominic Cummings. It is a fact, though, that highly successful people tend to move in the same circles.”

Gove gazed at our correspondent through the lens of his webcam, with that look of bland innocence that only years of experience and an overindulgence of Botox can produce.

How can buying useless untested items from an unreliable supplier at premium prices using one of Cummings’ mates be regarded as ‘good value’?

“It will cement relationships with countries with whom we wish to strike exciting trade deals,” said Gove. “Especially Columbia. Their products are world beating!”

But you have actually bought coverings from China, not cocaine from Columbia!

“That was the plan,” admitted Gove. “But unfortunately Chris Grayling got involved with it. And now we are stuck with warehouses full of masks and gowns that we can’t even give away, and I’m going to have to spaff even more taxpayers’ money up my nose for my stockpile of, erm, pick me ups.”

Sniff, sniff. Not a dry nose in the house.

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Royal Navy ordered to paint a rubber dinghy on bows of destroyers for each refugee boat they sink

IT’S LIKE 1066 ALL OVER AGAIN : THANKS TO THE TIRELESS EFFORTS of N. Fuhrage all Global Britons are now aware of the invasion occurring on the coast at Kent.

“If he wasn’t down there with his smart phone filming them no one would know it was happening,” an aide at the Home Office told LCD Views, “can you imagine that? Not knowing that half a dozen exhausted war refugees had managed to complete a journey of months or years to get to Britain? How would you feel not knowing that British munitions weren’t falling on their heads in the English Channel? Devastated I wager. At least that’s how the mad and vicious bastards currently ruining the UK want you to feel.”

But to take care of this, and so everyone can feel alright, none other than Home Secretary Priti Patel has gotten involved.

“It’s in the hope that Fuhrage will stop Whatsapping her videos and just get back to sending her policy suggestions regarding immigration,” the aide explained.

So what’s she going to do about it? Something must be done. Scenes like this haven’t occurred since the Norman Invasion of 1066. And we all know how that worked out!

“She’s ordered the Royal Navy to get into the Channel and sort it out,” the aide beamed, “we won’t be being invaded by humans for much longer. And for every rubber dinghy they sink they can paint a picture on the bows of a destroyer. Keep morale up as they win the latest Battle of Britain.”

Stirring stuff. It’s good to know Priti is defending our borders.

“Except for Coronavirus.”

Except for that.

“It is one of the drawbacks of being Global Britain,” the aide added, “people can find us on maps and come here. I suspect, going forward, we will have to remake maps to remove the UK from them. We’ve thought of everything.”

*International analysts suggest the need to remove the UK from maps will take care of itself. A natural consequence of Brexit.

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EU Withdrawal Agreement torn up as it doesn’t say “Two World Wars and One World Cup” in title

UKIP MPS RULZ : MPS OF THE (FORMERLY) CONSERVATIVE AND UNIONIST PARTY have called for the Brexit Withdrawal Agreement, negotiated with the EU last year, to be torn up. It is missing a vital ingredient.

“Where Global Britain,” a ham faced pork knuckle, somehow elected to the Mother of Parliaments, told LCD Views, “and wee one the war. Any international treatie negotiated from here on must contain a reference to past conflicts inn it’s title.”

The demand is not surprising, as shifting goal posts mid game is the MO of Brexiters.

“They have to acknowledge our status as sovereign equals,” another MP told LCD Views, while bashing his head into a jar of pickles. “The whole point of leaving the EU was to take back control and hand it from Brussels to Moscow, Washington, Beijing. Actually a very internationalist spread of capital cities. Global Britain – now everyone’s whipping boy. Some of us will get very rich.”

Whether or not the EU will agree to reopen a legally binding, international agreement, that Mr Johnson and his chums presented as a resounding success, this isn’t clear.

“They may give the UK a math lesson. Which is greater? 1 or 27?” a quiet voice at the back said.

“Once they see we hold all the cards they’ll cave to the demands of the German automotive sector and give us what we want,” someone else said, presumably David Davis, en route to be upcycled as a plank of chipboard.

But what is this missing ingredient?

“The agreement essentially just has to be retitled and any legally binding obligations on the UK government removed, because we are pretty useless at sticking to them.”

Retitled to what?

“Two World Wars and One World Cup, of course. We’re Global Britain. Get over it.”

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Downing Street to repeal every single U.K. law as “our MPs will just break them all anyway”

A STITCH IN TIME : A DOWNING STREET SOURCE HAS CONFIRMED today controversial plans to wipe clean the slate of British law.

“We want to cut all that red tape,” he said, referring to centuries of common law, and other annoying stuff.

“Ordinary Tory MPs, just going about their potatriotic business pleasing donors and working multiple jobs as consultants, are tripping over unnecessary rules and regulations.”

It’s holding the country back?

“Just so! Not least the bloody modern fad for tyrannically dictating how superior males must act towards subservient females. MPs are dropping like nine pins. It’s not on. Men are born to rule. We all know that.”

So what will you do about it? It sounds a right mess.

“We aim to rapidly transform into a kleptocracy, post Brexit, much like the one big brained genius Dominic witnessed in the former Soviet union. Not that it had any impact on him at all.”

But how the complete erasure of law and order will impact people in their daily lives isn’t completely clear. Our source has some ideas…

“We may keep eviction laws, clearly. You have to protect people’s hard earned investments. Although I would propose a lower limit on the protection. You have to have inherited the rental property portfolio, or you haven’t really earned it. Something like that.”

But won’t that just lead to a regrowth of just the kind of red tape you’re trying to do away with?

“We’ll have to be careful, that’s for certain. But I wouldn’t worry too much. Any new laws we create, after getting rid of all the old bad laws, any new laws will be created by ourselves. We’re sure to benefit. Which is the only reason any of us want to be in government.”