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Matt Hancock adds used by dates to CV-19 diagnoses to improve UK’s CV-19 mortality statistics

LIES, DAMNED LIES AND MATT HANCOCK’S STATISTICS : HEALTH SUPREMO MATT “THE APP” HANCOCK is under the pump to lower the UK’s cumulative Covid-19 death tally.

“It’s world leading at the moment,” an aide to the fresh faced Health Tsar told LCD Views, “but in the wrong direction. We need them to be facing the other direction. So we’re doing something about it.”

And the something appears to be adding used by dates to diagnoses.

“The 28 day shelf life of a Coronavirus diagnosis will stop people dying in ICU from Covid-19, when actually they’ve died of old age, or middle age, or a compromised immune system, or whatever you like really. It’s a pretty open field. Death. We’re becoming specialists in the causes of it. It’s all rather subjective too, when you think about it. Death is intensely personal. Thus death is subjective and it follows so is the cause of death. We really should be asking people how they died, after the event. But the dead are notoriously shy. So it’s best we change the way we record deaths and guess.”

And the UK isn’t alone in attempting a revision of statistical methods, in order to help the current government’s re-election chances.

“Narnia is at it too,” the aide said, “The Queen there, she has seen a shocking mortality rate amongst loyal fauns. Really quite something. So she’s put a temperature ceiling on diagnoses. If you contract Covid-19 outside of her frozen forest then you’ve actually died of sunstroke. It’s genius.”

But sceptics, wary of attempts by Downing Street to bring the kind of numberwang statistical flair to Covid-19 deaths that they’ve brought to employment statistics, have sneered.

“Why 28 days? What happens it you die from Covid-19 a moment after the expiry date of your diagnosis? It’s nonsense. All it really shows of course is that Matt Hancock, and the entire Johnson government, are already long passed their own used by date.”

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Disappointed A level students told to go to the University of Life

WE DON’T NEED NO EDUCATION: A level results look like being a lottery, thanks to the intervention of Gavin Williamson. The fireplace selling, tarantula fancying, excuse for an Education Secretary has, at a stroke, rendered all the work that has gone into awarding reasonable grades null and void.

An entire cohort of dedicated A level teachers has spent much of lockdown debating, assessing, projecting, and moderating expected grades. As experienced experts in education, they know their students and the likely progress they would have made. Their decisions are the best and most reliable indicators of what should have been. But then, who needs experts?

After all, there is no point in getting good grades. In Brexit Britain, the only qualifications needed in future will be those obtainable from the University of Life.

Fortunately, gaining these qualifications is not difficult. Bright eyed youngsters will have to extinguish that eager fire with a compulsory reading list. This means reading the Daily Mail and the Daily Express, from cover to cover, daily. Extra credits will be awarded by attending seminars in any available Wetherspoons pub, by which we mean getting hammered on cheap beer and regurgitating the reading list verbatim.

Those entering the second year of Further Miseducation will have to study the complete works of Nigel Farage and Darren Grimes. Seminars will be more challenging, and involve the consumption of shots.

Final year modules include Venting One’s Spleen On Twitter, Designing Posters With Racist Undertones, and Picking A Fight With A Complete Stranger. A successful seminar in this year includes getting schooled by someone prepared to construct a simple argument. The most successful students will conclude their seminars by dashing to the toilet and tweeting about how unfair everything is, like the great big snowflake they pretend not to be.

Graduation will occur the moment a bright young thing walks into the pub and you say, “Can you believe it? I used to be like that arsehole!”

Meanwhile the posh kids brought up to be heartless sociopaths will continue to run the country.

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Boris Johnson in deepest holiday since records of Boris Johnson’s holidays began

JUST BORIS BEING BORIS : OFFICIAL CONFIRMATION TODAY that Boris Johnson’s premiership can not be in crisis, in spite of some clearly unpatriotic headlines.

“He’s proven himself to be world beating,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Leaders, like that show off in New Zealand, are almost hyperactive in the face of a minor setback. But not Boris. You can’t ruffle his feathers. And it’s not because, in spite of carefully crafted appearances, they appear pre-ruffled.”

And it’s certain that the United Kingdom will take great reassurance in knowing that nothing can stop a Boris Johnson holiday. Not even the worst economic downturn on record, on the back of the Covid-19 crisis and with no deal agreed yet with the EU.

“If you can keep your holiday itinerary while all about you [in government] aren’t cancelling theirs either, it shows you’re made of the right stuff to lead. Besides, nothing can stop a parliamentary recess. It’s the most stubborn force on Earth. It would be a really rum show if Mr Johnson stayed in Downing Street while half his cabinet are exporting proper British Covid-19 to the continent.”

But some have suggested that Mr Johnson should at least appear to give a toss? Especially as millions look set to abruptly become unemployed, in part because of the unwillingness to lockdown the U.K. economy just to stop some of the economically inactive from dying.

“Why? Dominic Cummings isn’t on holiday. So what are you moaning and gloomsaying for? He’ll have the right slogan for the recession released any day now. You’ll see. With a bit of Blitz spirit we’ll rebound. If only off the back of PPE contracts.”

Presumably the slogan will be ‘Get Recession Done”. That will take care of it.

“Actually it’s more likely to be ‘Take it on the chin’ again. More apt. Under us the entire country is getting chinned.”

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President Trump claims the Vietnam War was brought to an end by an outbreak of bone spurs

HOWLING WINDS OF FATE : President Trump has caused an upset in the field of modern military history today, by changing the course of it.

Speaking at a packed event, described by one journalist as a “Covid-19 superspreader, fundraiser” in theory to launch a range of plastic Trump action figurines, Mr Trump drifted off piste and into revisionary revelations.

“Not many people know this,” POTUS said, fingers pinched and poised dramatically above the podium, “but bone spurs can go viral just like the China flu.”

He was holding a Trump golf cart figurine at the time, in his other hand. He held it so well some in the audience were moved to applause.

“Look, I get in and out of the cart!” POTUS revealed the toy’s key feature.

“The little string that ties me to the seat of the golf cart is so I don’t get lost. Your children will love these. Get them for Christmas. If Joe Biden rigs the election and wins, there won’t be Christmas. Sleepy Joe hates Christmas. And Christians. There’s also a figurine of me as Jesus. Many people are amazed to see how much I look like Jesus. This one walks on water. You just press the big red button at the back and it inflates with natural gas.”

Once the President of the USA had finished playing with his toys, he got back to changing the course of history.

“This action man, he has bone spurs. Bone spurs are worse than cancer. Worse than Covid-19. Only the strongest survive. The Vietnam War was ended by bone spurs. Everybody got them. No one could move. I had them. I got a medal for how well I handled them. Maybe we can use bone spurs to defeat Covid. I’ll have my people look into it.”

The White House later released a follow up statement advising that “Mr Trump was not patient zero. The soldiers in Vietnam could not have caught bone spurs off Mr Trump as he wasn’t there at the time.”

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European cartographers label large island off the French coast “Here be monsters”

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK: World beating continental map makers have identified the existence of an island off the northwestern coast of France. Unfortunately, all attempts to visit the island or engage in communication have ended in failure.

There is clearly some kind of hostile life there. Vessels bearing friendly envoys have been sunk. Some kind of dialogue has been attempted, but the replies have been unintelligible.

“The language used by the islanders sounds like a particularly debased form of Anglo-Saxon,” declared languages expert Polly Glott. “It is as if the natives have removed all the verbs, nouns and grammar, and all that is left is a stream of extremely crude and bilious invective.”

In other words, a jumble of hateful swear words. Nevertheless the hand of friendship was extended.

“We sent a boat – not a big one, we didn’t want them to think we were invading – but they weren’t happy with it,” revealed European Friendship Minister Bon Homie. “We loaded it with delicacies such as ripe camembert, sauerkraut and garlic but were repelled by a group of humanoids with blunderbusses. They resembled fat, middle-aged men, with angry red faces. It was like being attacked by animated jambon.”

But there was more trouble afoot.

“The inhabitants all seemed to be suffering from a mystery ailment,” claimed medical advisor Di Agnosis. “They coughed continuously and their skin was loose and blotchy. And they smelled terrible. There must be some kind of endemic plague over there.”

In the end the island was mapped by satellite, although hostile satellites, bearing racist symbols and held together with gaffer tape, tried to knock it out of the way.

In the end, the Europeans gave up the attempt to welcome the islanders into a mutually beneficial alliance. Cartographers redrew the maps to show the island, but asked what name to assign to this terra incognita. Instead they were given a description.

Here be monsters.

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‪“No evidence children transmit CV-19 while fruit picking” – 2021 plans for schools revealed

FOLLOWING A SOODOE SCIENCE : EDUCATION SECRETARY, GAVIN WILLIAMSON, previously only famous for selling fireplaces, and for being fired for releasing state secrets, now has a new claim to fame. He’s suddenly one of the country’s foremost virologists.

“Boris Johnson is a very forgiving prime minister,” an aide to the nonentity itself told LCD Views, “nothing stops you failing upward, so long as you blow his trumpet and back Brexit. This means Williamson was able to recover from what should have been a career ending incident. Just like Priti Patel.”

And recover Williamson has. He’s so hale and hearty he’s fit enough to threaten millions of parents with potential early death from Covid-19, by way of demanding pupils return to schools, irrespective of the management of Covid-19.

“It really will be very safe,” the aide continued, “all the schools will be outdoors. Plenty of ventilation. Also, we’re now trialling purposely infecting teachers with Covid-19. The ones that survive will be able to teach without fear of infection. We really have thought of everything.”

But how will the curriculum have changed, based on recent events?

“There will be a lot more to do with understanding of weather patterns, hour by hour. How to get up in the pre-dawn gloom. How to sleep two to a bunk in a dilapidated caravan. How to heal sharp pricks and cuts on your fingers. How to deal with your back breaking. A whole new range of skills will be learned by our country’s children, and with no chance of transmitting Covid-19 to their older loved ones, or younger siblings with compromised immune systems.”

What will the new curriculum be called? Something catchy? A three word slogan?

“Only two words,” the aide replied, “Fruit Picking. And it’s got nothing to do with Brexit. Just ask the MSM.”

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People crossing Channel in small boats nothing to do with the Dunkirk Spirit, says Churchill fan

ROW ROW ROW YOUR BOAT: Crossing the English Channel in a little boat is risky, dangerous and illegal. This is according to the alleged Prime Minister, invoking the heroic Dunkirk evacuation, which involved the same risky, dangerous and illegal crossing.

There is one big difference. Dunkirk was a rescue of Our Boys by Plucky Brits. Today, the victims of war are rescuing themselves.

The filibustering foreigner foghorn Farage fought fearlessly to force this farce onto the front pages. Funnily, after weeks of whining and whinging, Fleet Street has finally realised there’s a funny foreigners story to milk and milk.

Not only that, but the fear of Farage forced the government into full dead cat mode. Priti Patel has been seen in full battle dress in Dover, “co-ordinating” efforts. The rhetoric, if not the rescue effort, has been ramped up. There are even rumours that the RAF has been obliged to scramble a warplane to join the struggle.

Now Boris Johnson has got involved. “We will fight them on the beaches,” he quipped as he set off for a fortnight’s hard boffing in a secret location in Scotland. “Never in the history of human endeavour has… well, you know the quote, same thing, smash the Hun, bang bang you’re dead, jolly good show old boy!”

Churchillian indeed. But surely the poor souls risking their lives to cross the Channel in inflatable dinghies are displaying the true Dunkirk Spirit?

“Well yes, I mean no, well it doesn’t matter either way,” blithered Johnson. “It’s about being British and seizing defeat from the jaws of victory, or vice versa, de facto, cul-de-sac. Bottom line, these chappies are simply too foreign to be British, and that’s what Taking Back Control is all about. Veni vidi vici!”

Meanwhile there’s a deadly virus killing people, the government is siphoning off public cash in full view, and there is nobody at the wheel of the speeding big red Brexit bus. But hey, foreigners.

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Downing Street changes law to reclassify rubber dinghies as foreign military vessels

ACTS OF WAR : DOWNING STREET WILL STOP AT NOTHING THIS WEEK TO DISTRACT FROM ITS FAILURE TO…WELL, there’s a lot of failure too.

“Someone had to do something,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “historically we have a reputation of being, shall we say proactive? When it comes to other people’s countries? It seems some think that because of this we’d be happy to be invaded ourselves. INVADED I TELL YOU. BY POOR PEOPLE. They get in these boats and they risk their lives to reach our shores. It’s terrifying. What if they all make it? “

And of course the wealth of the individuals attempting to reach the UK is the main problem.

“If they were rich they could just fly in, from pretty much anywhere, and start donating money to Tory MPs. Give it a few years and they’d all be in the Lords. They just need to go about it in the proper manner. You don’t just turn up at someone’s house, whether you’re in desperate need of sanctuary and assistance or not.”

Still, given that Channel asylum seekers seem stubbornly determined to remain humans desperate for a better life, the government has decided to act and put a stop to that.

“Priti Patel is exceptionally happy,” the source said, “we’ve decided to change the law to reclassify rubber dinghies as foreign military vessels. All rubber dinghies. Get in one anywhere in the UK now and you’re committing an act of war. Someone in a uniform will be ordered to drop by and blow you out of the water. Thames or Channel. It doesn’t matter. It’s going to cause mayhem for beachgoers. Which is just the way we like it.”

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Bear baiting returns to England as Johnson seeks viral distraction

A VERY BRITISH MORAL DEGRADATION : THE BBC is to join forces with Downing Street in the attempt to bring bread and circuses to an increasingly restless population.

“The new initiative is timed to coincide with the winding down of the Covid-19 furlough scheme,” a Beeb executive, talking from his desk in the Cabinet Office, told LCD Views.

“A Very British Bear Baiting will be a fly on the wall show which celebrates the return of bear baiting to the capital after centuries. People will be able to identify with a cast of real characters as they battle to survive in the bear pit. Not everyone will make it. But viewers can be guaranteed of maximum spectacle. And perhaps, while they enjoy their popcorn* they will forget about:

  1. The mismanagement of Covid-19 and how it led to tens of thousands of unnecessary and avoidable early deaths, under a pseudo-science ‘herd immunity’ strategy said to have been favoured by Dominic Cummings.
  2. The Tory MP alleged rape scandal and the inaction of party authorities who knew about the accusations directly from the victim, and appear to have done nothing.
  3. What appears to be billions in fraud on the back of bogus PPE scandals.
  4. The failure to prepare for the end of the Brexit transition period, and the looming devastation that will occur as the Brexiters’ lies fully slam into the country at last.
  5. The fact the UK is now governed by a tyrannical, unelected bureaucrat.
  6. The fact FPTP is clearly no longer fit for purpose, but it suits the needs of a corrupt ruling elite to perpetuate it as they milk the land dry and stuff its wealth into tax havens.
  7. The Intelligence and Security Report into Russian Interference in UK Democracy – and what that says about the potential compromising of elected representatives, and that a series of elections, and the Brexit referendum, were meddled in and unsafe.
  8. The various scandals that Boris Johnson is involved in, and how they always end up in the long grass.
  9. The attempt to bully teachers back into schools in full awareness it will kill some of them, just like NHS and social care workers were killed, unless the Covid-19 virus is actually, finally, properly managed by central government and not used as a haymaker by disaster capitalists.
  10. Whether or not Boris Johnson will take up golf while on holiday in Scotland.
  11. The cronyism in the House of Lords.
  12. The numbers 13-1000 in this list.

So be ready to back your bear as it fights to survive! And remember! It’s very dangerous! And if that doesn’t work to take your mind off the list of vicious incompetence, some complete and utter prat will use your licence fee to narrate the struggle to survive of human beings in the English Channel, so racists and feel all warm and snugly.

Global Britain – is it the best we can be?

*supplies of popcorn expected to be exhausted early in 2021.

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10 Downing Street front door replaced by ATM for Tory Party friends

ENTER YOUR SPIN CODE : 10 DOWNING STREET’S famous front door has received a do over this week and everyone is very pleased with the results.

“We’ve replaced it with an ATM machine,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “a mate of Dom’s reconditions them. It was basically a steal.”

But why the famous black door, all stern and statesmanlike, with its dominant 1 0, had to be replaced with an ATM is still a bit of a mystery to us plebs.

“It’s not mysterious at all, if you’re paying attention to the news cycle during Covid. You can draw your own conclusions then.”

We’re a bit slow, why don’t you just tell us?

“Okay. It’s part of our crusade to slash red tape,” the source advised, “currently it’s really convoluted to move taxpayer’s money STOLEN FROM WEALTHY BETTERS back into the pockets of inheritance millionaires. BUT. By installing the ATM as a door at number 10 we can simplify the process and save millions per week. We should be congratulated. This is why we’re in government.”

So the taxpayer will actually be saving money now? Money it can spend on important issues, like pay rises for nurses and social care staff?

“No. OMG. You’re having a laugh! Ha! Why the hell would we want to disincentivise nurses from working for private contractors who supply staff to the NHS at extortionate expense?”

Then who is saving the money?

“Millionaire Tory party donors will, as they no longer need to set up shell companies and pretend they can produce PPE. Work it out. It’s not that difficult.”