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Downing Street to replace 2024 GE with alogorithm based on 2019 election

LOVELY DEMOCRACY YOU’VE GOT THERE BE A SHAME IF SOMETHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO IT : Downing Street is expected to confirm later today significant changes to the UK’s electoral system, to make it less vulnerable to foreign interference.

LCD Views has long argued for reform of the outdated system used by Westminster and is pleased to see our campaign has been successful.

Later today the chair of the newly created SCAT Task Force (Systematic Crumbling of Accountability Taskforce) is pencilled in to give a speech to outline the changes.

“We welcome this move,” our political analyst comments, “as you know LCD Views has long campaigned to make our electoral system more secure and less vulnerable to outside interference. The people need certainty, and from what I’ve seen of the speech SCAT’s No 1 will give, this will provide.”

In essence the new electoral system will mean people do not have to take a day off work in order to vote. And it’s not because the polling day is being moved to the weekend.

“They’re going to use an algorithm, which apparently is named after a famous American politician’s dancing method,” our analyst informs (don’t we always), “but it’s based on the world beating one premiered for use in 2020 A level grading. This caught everyone’s attention.”

But how will this new algorithmic voting system relieve UK voters of the burden of voting?

“Because the result will now be based on the 2019 general election. The government will thus have its result upgraded, Labour be lucky to hit three figures and the Libdems, Greens, Plaid, Independents and SNP vanish from the political landscape. It’ll make governing for Johnson a lot easier, whether or not he’s on holiday. That will become irrelevant.”

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World’s largest turnip to be centrepiece of Brexit Museum

TAKE A FIRM GRIP AND PUSH : THE GOVERNMENT IS GOING AHEAD with the long planned Museum of Brexit. LCD Views commends the government on its perseverance.

“The Museum will be open to the public at a time of escalating food prices and mass unemployment,” our Hysterical History analyst reports, “this is incredibly courageous. This is leadership. It will resonate with the self belief, confidence and oompf that made Brexit possible. And people who are worried about the cost to the public need not. It’s being paid for by US and Russian oligrachs.”

The centrepiece of the museum will be something all British people can be proud of too.

“We will come together in wonder inside the museum,” our analyst continues, “join hands in celebration of Brexit. There will be songs about donkeys and a replica of Boris Johnson defeating Junker at the Battle of Brussels. I expect more than one or two animal sacrifices at the opening, with lucky attendees getting to eat the carcasses. Or they may choose to sell the meat on the thriving black market. It will be about personal sovereignty.”

1930’s war memorabilia will also feature strongly, as is only fitting.

“This is to show the inspiration for many supporters of Brexit, and everything they’ve forgotten that the deadliest conflict in history taught us.”

But what will be the centrepiece?

“It will be the world’s largest turnip,” our analyst reports, with a wink, “and yes, it will be shaped like a thingy. A proper British thingy.”

Worship.

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Brexit algorithm downgrades United Kingdom to England

GETTING SMALLER ALL THE TIME : THE CONSERVATIVE AND UNIONIST PARTY, AKA BREXIT PARTY, has hailed the success of its latest algorithm.

The algorithm concerned has been in operation since 2015 (although some point to analogue versions that have been used since the 1970’s) and has successfully downgraded the United Kingdom to England.

“It will take time for the full impact of the regrading to be obvious,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but Prime Minister Cummings is exceptionally pleased with the results.”

It’s not the first time such an algorithm has been used to successfully downgrade a functioning parliamentary democracy, governing a multitude of various regions, into just one.

“But it’s one of the most obvious.”

And now the algorithm has been used to shed the United Kingdom of the parts not given to English nationalism it has been turned inward to make further changes.

“Big Ben is being replaced by an hourglass, which some critics have labelled a job creation scheme, as someone has to turn it every hour. But we think the feeling of pride to be gained in the job is worth it. Especially as an aide to Liz Truss sells hour glasses by the batch for only £252m.”

But as part of the Cummings/Johnson administrations commitment to levelling up the country, the North will see changes too.

“The Angel of the North is going to be replaced by a Wicker Man. This will ensure summer harvest is always celebrated in the traditional way. Whoever fails the patriot score the heaviest, after algorithm regrading, will be placed inside. It’ll be a reviving of a classic festival in which the entire country can come together and warm the cockles of their hearts.”

Still, there’s always a critic, with some pointing out that the UK has been Little Britain since the 23/06/16 and there’s little real point in a further downgrading.

“I think the whole world now sees us for who we have become,” one said, “this continual regrading is just a PR exercise to make it look like the government is doing something.”

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GCSE results to be allocated by Camelot

THE POSTCODE LOTTERY: You’ve got to be in it to win it, says the latest Cummings-nominated fall guy. Camelot aims to avoid the A level fiasco by ensuring every player – I mean, student – has the same opportunities.

“The grades need to be allocated on a completely fair basis,” claimed the fall guy, education minister Tom Foole. “It’s a level playing field, which we have not only levelled up, but ramped up. All students requesting a grade…”

What’s that? You mean have to ASK to be graded?

“Obviously,” replied Foole. “Then they must buy a ticket…”

BUY the opportunity to get a grade?

“It’s how things work,” stammered Foole, starting to look shifty now. “Tickets will be available from Monday, for only £10 each. You can buy as many as you like. The local draws are to take place on Wednesday, before the winners are announced on Thursday morning!”

Hang on. WINNERS?

“Yes, no, I mean, everyone’s a winner, aren’t they?” he improvised wildly. “I, err, misspoke. You can increase your chances though, by purchasing more than one ticket. Results will be distributed on Thursday, and there will be photo opportunities for pretty posh girls which will take place on Tuesday.”

Two days BEFORE the results are out?

“We already know which schools will get the best results,” said Foole.

Not much levelling up there.

“Obviously there will be local variations,” explained Foole. “Every LEA has historical exam data, so the balls in the local lottery machine will reflect this.”

So nothing will change. And students who have studied hard for years will be graded on the results that last year’s students were awarded.

“It’s consistent!” insisted Foole. “And easy. And the algorithm fits neatly on the back of a fag packet!”

And your mates will be creaming off the profits. This just embeds the status quo.

“Get used to it, it’s the most important lesson our minions need to learn,” said Foote harshly before exiting, pursued by a bear.

There is a bonus ball. The lucky winner gets top grades and easy opportunities for life. And the bonus ball winner is… Lord Galahad Poshington-Smythe of Eton School! Hoorah!

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After the A level grading fiasco, the BBC is now known as the CDE

NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS: National broadcaster the BBC has suffered in the A level grading scandal. The infamous algorithm has downgraded it to the CDE.

Disappointed public sector broadcasters everywhere were upset, because instead of being solid, steady, middle of the road, BBC, they have become failures overnight. CDE just isn’t good enough to get into the UK’s top living rooms.

“This is a disgrace!” thundered BBC, I mean CDE, journalist Fylde McCopy. “I’ve worked hard for my BBC! It’s been my ambition for the last two years. To have it reduced to CDE is an insult. I’ll never get to read the Ten O’Clock News now. Instead it will be a lifetime of chasing Nigel Farage and amplifying his outrage.”

It was a similar story across the entire organisation. Lofty ambition has taken a back seat to harsh reality.

“I was planning a career in political analysis,” moaned cub reporter Parry Shrag. “Now I’m looking at taking notes at the local district council meetings, where all they talk about is parking spaces and dog poo. If I’m lucky, I’ll get to write the daily horoscope. I’m fair minded, being a Libra, but everybody knows I’m better than this!”

Both Shrag and McCopy were sure about the reasons behind the downgrading. “We aren’t posh enough!” they said in unison. “This is a political decision to decrease the opportunities to anyone who didn’t go to Eton!”

In a parallel downgrading, ITV is now OMG, and Sky has become WTF. Gold has become Base Metal, and Fox has become FIX. Oddly, RT will henceforth be known as A*A*.

So the entity now known as CDE News will have its benefits cut back and its horizons limited. Instead of thorough and rigorous journalistic training, there will be a demeaning drill of Pavlovian responses and regurgitation of government statements.

One brand new series has been commissioned. One Man And His Dogwhistle.

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Downing Street confirms it is waiting for Marcus Rashford to act before U-turn on grades

A STAR TURN : A DROWNING STREET source has confirmed today the preconditions for a U-turn on the A Level grading fiasco.

“We’re waiting for significant public disgust to show up in our private polling and focus group studies,” the source told LCD Views.

“We only care about our own survival. About clinging onto power to transfer the wealth of the state into the offshore bank accounts of our mates. It’s all pretty straightforward. Make us nervous about our hold on the reigns and we’ll flip. This is across the board. It’s your not so secret weapon.”

And the possibility of a flip on the grading is likely?

”Yes. We’ve detonated a dirty bomb across the whole electorate, regardless of how you voted. It really is impressive. Of course if we don’t do a U turn it means you’ve collectively given us the green light to carry on treating you all with total contempt. So make your choice.”

But aren’t you concerned about alienating an entire generation who are just hitting voting age in England? How do you think they’ll vote at the next election?

“What election? If Trump is able to steal the upcoming US election than there won’t be free voting here either.”

Still, there’s the possibility of survivor’s guilt among the youth who have benefited from the biased algorithm. Aren’t you concerned you could turn some of your target demographic off? How will that impact you at the next election?

“I refer you to my previous answer.”

Finally, what do you see as the potential tipping point with this crisis? The moment you would nudge signals you can’t just ride it out and must do an about face?

“Marcus Rashford. If he gets involved we’re toast.”

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Downing Street hails success of world beating algorithm that grades students on accident of birth

BIRTH BEATING : Downing Street is celebrating today, as it does every day, as it records another A* for incompetence.

“Can you imagine if we didn’t grade students like we do the cabinet?” a Downing Street source said to LCD Views, “the last measure we can use is inherent competence or dedication to hard work! That would not be reflective of government.”

So it seems the geniuses currently running the U.K. used their famous British common sense and settled on a different method to decide the immediate fate of school leavers.

“This year, because of Covid, everything is up in the air. It’s complete chaos. It’s the perfect year to reinvent the wheel. Why not experiment on school leavers? It’s not like they have anything to lose. We’ve taken away most of their future possibilities with Brexit. The algorithm was designed to take care of the rest of it.”

And take care of things the algorithm has. It really is a measure of the genius that is Dominic Cummings and chums. If the success is allowed to stand it will also ensure there is no more need to import low skilled workers.

“It’s pretty obvious that grading students by their achievements wouldn’t mirror reality. Look at the cabinet. Do you think any of them got there through talent? How would grading all students based on their actual effort and brains reflect the way the U.K. is governed? It would be a bloody disaster. The swear word progressive wouldn’t even cover it.”

But while the impact of the algorithm can not be understated, some are taking aim at Education Secretary, Gavin “fired for leaking official secrets” Williamson.

“That’s not fair,” the source defended Mr Williamson, “all he does there is sit behind a fancy desk struggling to think an original thought. This is why Dom does all the thinking for him. You can’t blame Gavin. He has our full support. He does exactly as we tell him.”

And what exactly is the magic formula in the algorithm?

“Oh, it’s a traditional British system. It grades students on their accident of birth. Which is exactly the way Mr Cummings’ administration aims to keep it.”

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U.K. Gov fails to trademark phrase “world beating” as judge can’t determine what planet they’re on

SOMEONE IS TAKING A BEATING : THE UK GOVERNMENT is determined to try harder today after a disappointing setback in the world of marketing.

“It’s really just a hiccup,” a spokesman for Downing Street told LCD Views, “we’re sure the judge can be persuaded to see the light. We can offer him a PPE contract or the end of his professional career. You just have to find the right combination of stick and carrot. It’s all about sensible governance at the end of the day.”

And sensible governance needs its go to slogans and catchphrases.

“We’re going to trademark all of them. Dead in a ditch. Over my dead body. Fcuk business. Spaffed up the wall. Letterbox bank robbers. Something about smiles. Well. It’s a long list and we own it. We will try again and I’m sure next time we’ll be successful. We are a world beating administration. Everyone can see it.”

But why the judge turned down the application isn’t entirely clear. LCD Views can’t stand miscarriages of justice so we sent a reporter along to the judge’s home to find out more.

“After hours doorstepping Judge Frielies address we gave it up and searched for her wheelie bins,” our correspondent says, “it was while rifling through the contents of the bin that the Judge herself approached us to ask what we were doing. Seizing the moment we demanded to know why she had turned down the UK Government in its effort to trademark world beating.”

“Because I don’t know what planet they’re on,” Judge Frielie responded, “and looking at you I can only assume whatever planet they’re on, you’re on it too.”

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Tory MP spontaneously combusts after France offers to take back control of U.K. and improve human rights record

SACRE BLOWER : TORY MP SIR EDWARD LEIGH IS REPORTEDLY in numerous places after he spontaneously combusted.

The incident, which emergency services are describing as “Not terrorist related. Gammon related” happened as French President Emmanuel Macron offered to assist the UK with its increasingly appalling human rights record.

Speaking in front of a map of England in 1453 Mr Macron said he felt that governance in England had deteriorated significantly since the end of the dual monarchy at the conclusion of the 100 Years War.

“We would be willing to resume governance of England for a limited period,” Mr Macron offered in a personal letter to Sir Edward, “in order to rectify the appalling human rights record of your Home Office. We would take back control, if you like.”

It seems even though the letter was written in English, and not medieval court French, Sir Leigh immediately went from his standard colour of bright red to volcanic ember, before exploding.

It’s not clear if the UK government will take up the offer, although the UN has suggested it would be willing to oversee the taking back of control and ensure that once the UK electoral system was also reformed, and dark money removed from the Mother of Parliaments, then full UK control would be resumed.

The condition of Mr Leigh is not thought to be life threatening.

“This is due to the inordinately high degree of salt in his system,” a Doctor, overseeing his reconstruction advised, “which means he basically is preserved for the foreseeable future, regardless of how he is stored.”

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Gavin “Peter principle” Williamson fears generation of students failing upwards like he did

CONSCIOUS BIAS : THE UK’S EDUCATION SECRETARY, GAVIN “I WAS FIRED FOR LEAKING CONFIDENTIAL DOCUMENTS AND REHIRED” WILLIAMSON has spoken of his fears for the current generation of students. His concerns come on the back of the A level result fiasco in England, which he could “see coming from a thousand miles away”, but did nothing to prevent.

“Can you imagine it?” Williamson told shocked students today, attending an A* Grade Party at the Department for Education. “If we don’t do something to get this right, there could be millions more just like me? I am terrified for the future of the country. Our institutions are ancient and deep rooted, but even they can only absorb so much of our toxic incompetence.”

How the Education Secretary stumbled upon the degree of self awareness required to make the comments isn’t yet clear (we’re presuming it’s because we’ve imagined him for the purpose of this article), but what is clear is the fury of parents and students alike.

Still, Williamson has at least finding support within the ranks of his own party.

“Dashing the hopes of the young is what we set out to achieve,” Jack Smart, Tory MP for Cleverly, told LCD Views, “inflated statistics are for the employment figures, not for the purposes of university entrance. Imagine if we’d let teachers decide the grades, based on their actual personal knowledge of the students and concern for their welfare? Total catastrophe. Who will pick the fruit at the end of the Brexit transition period? We’ll all starve. Essentially you should be thanking Williamson for ensuring we all stay fed.”

And there’s another added benefit to allowing an algorithm to take over this year. And it’s not a sober re-evaluation and the decision to not introduce an overhaul of a vital system in a period of unprecedented disruption, and without running it parallel to the existing system for some years first, in order to effectively calibrate it.

“Dom will have to fix this algorithm now,” the MP noted, “it’ll cost millions. He’s identified a mate who isn’t yet a millionaire. Get grading done! By this time next year we’ll all be millionaires, unless you’re a school leaver in 2020. You’ll be serving millionaires forever, which is only right and proper.”