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Downing Street : EU making negotiations difficult by refusing to do confidential handshake deal in strip club

MEET ME AT MY CLUB : DOWNING STREET IS reportedly FURIOUS with THE EU today after the UK’s latest wizard wheeze to break the negotiation deadlock was rebuffed by Barnier.

“If Barnier doesn’t sort his ideas out we’ll have to send in Raab,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “nothing is getting through to him. It’s not even clear he understands English as well as we do.”

It seems the brains at 10 Downing Street have tried all the usual strategies to broker a deal.

“We’ve offered him lands and titles in Kent,” the source shrugs, “a meeting with the Queen, offered repeatedly to take him out to private dinners at clubs that offer more than just food, if you know what I mean. He hasn’t gone after any of it. We’re beginning to think he’s too bloody square to do a deal.”

But with all the usual Tory strategies played out, it’s not clear where we go from here.

“Food, water and energy rationing is where we go. Or some bloody humbling U turn that will be presented to the British public as a victory. I guess that’s possible. EU CRACKS AND AGREES TO SELL UK ENOUGH FOOD TO EAT FOR ANOTHER MONTH. That’ll sell.”

It’s believed that the plucky UK, which holds all the cards, will have another go at Barnier this week.

“We’ll attempt to get him to Lady Tza Tza’s this week for some Johnny Walker Black Label and a bit of fun. We only need a handshake deal anyway. Nothing we write on paper is worth the paper it’s written on. Any fool can see that. Oh, and we’ll remind him if he doesn’t play ball this time we’ll get out the kompromat. If he has any. Presumably the EU didn’t think of that when they selected him to negotiate with such clearly upright chaps as ourselves.”

Good luck with that. Perhaps you should get David Davis to call up the German car makers and tell them to get a wriggle on?

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New BBC DG threatens to axe left wing comedy after biggest right wing joke of all falls flat

YOU CAN’T LAUGH AT AUTOCRATS : THE NEW DIRECTOR GENERAL OF THE BBC has got off to a flying start by tipping his hat to Dominic Cummings.

“It’s magnificent,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “if it wasn’t for the new DG’s threat to axe left wing comedy then everyone would be talking about our plans to destroy the electoral commission.”

Whether or not the announcement by the BBC’s new director general to axe left wing comedy is a dead cat or not is up for debate. The plans to hobble the Electoral Commission are no joke. That’s deadly serious. As it’s one of the few official bodies that called out the lawbreaking by the Brexiters.

“The BBC thing is a Schrodinger’s dead cat,” the source explains, “it both is and isn’t a dead cat story. It causes outrage amongst the lefties, so is a useful distraction, but it’s also something that needs doing, when you really think about it.”

The reasons are obvious.

“Comedy is one of the most democratic forms of protest. Anyone can do it. And to laugh at those with power over you is valuable dissent. We can’t be having that if we’re to make a success of Brexit!”

What will replace the left wing shows is not yet clear though.

“If we were really after balance we wouldn’t replace them with anything, that way everyone is equally miserable, regardless of where you are on the political spectrum.”

What about a “Very British Comedy” featuring all the non-PC jokes from decades past?

“No, I think we’ll just add a laughter track to Question Time,” the source shrugs, “oh and outlaw repeating footage of a certain right wing joke flailing about on a high wire and looking a right prat.”

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Nurse pays rent with Spitfire show

WHATEVER IT TAKES : THE JOHNSON GOVERNMENT IS FAMOUS FOR ITS COMMITMENT TO US PRIVATE HEALTHCARE INTERESTS, BUT THERE’S ALSO A DOMESTIC FOCUS TO HEALTH POLICY.

“Clearly now that US moneymen have identified that the greatest asset store in the UK is in the home ownership of the over 50’s we have to do everything we can to get those assets liquid,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but that doesn’t mean we are going to cynically ignore our domestic audience.”

And an audience is exactly what the latest pay rise for nurses is aimed to please.

“We all know that nurses do their job out of a love of helping humanity. A baffling concept. But there you have it. Many people seem to have a strange affection for nurses, and especially NHS nurses. We’re throwing them a bone.”

And the bone isn’t something as pointless as a pay rise or the permanent scrapping of NHS parking charges. It’s something much more mystical.

“Spitfire displays. Day in and day out. The iconic WW2 aircraft, which currently has the power of a religious artefact, thanks to our promotional efforts, will be on show for nurses up and down the UK from paycheque to paycheque.”

To make the endless recollection of a global conflict that ended 75 years ago, constantly recycled by government as part of their PR and spin campaigns (to convince Global Britons they’re the chosen ones) into legal tender is of course a masterstroke.

“A nurse will be able to pay their rent now with the Spitfire displays. All they have to do is show a news clipping of the latest displays to their landlord. If their landlord is also a nurse than they have to accept the Spitfire displays as payment.”

It’s genius. And so much better than cold hard cash which is much better spent employing Dido Harding in ceremonial roles.

“When you add in all the clapping, it won’t be long before a nurse enters the UK rich list alongside certain MPs.”

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Jan 2021 : UK to join Schengen and Euro after Grayling replaces Frost in negotiations with EU

SAVING THE UNION : DETRACTORS HAVE BEEN CLAIMING FOR YEARS that the job of lead Brexit negotiator for the UK with the EU is a purely ceremonial position.

“It’s not a surprising accusation,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “when you consider the rogues gallery of baffling incompetence to hold the position.”

David Davis, one of the intellectual giants of global trade, was the first to fill his boots as UK negotiator. Followed by someone and someone else. All entirely forgettable in terms of their achievements.

“Frost has been softening Barnier up for Grayling,” the source continues, “it’s been a very clever strategy. Now that old Barnier is so confused by the UK position he doesn’t know what’s coming at him we’re sending in the UK government power animal.”

It’s expected that Grayling will hold talks with Barnier this week and achieve all Boris Johnson’s aims.

“There’s not a day goes by where Boris Johnson, the talisman of Brexit, doesn’t wish he had sent in the other column to the Telegraph. Both David Cameron and Theresa May showed themselves smarter than Johnson. They both avoided being the last prime minister of the United Kingdom, and the first Prime Minister of just England. Johnson has to bring a big gun to bear if he wants to avoid a No Deal Brexit and the unenviable title of the man who broke the UK.”

But of course Mr Johnson will need someone to carry the can, and that’s where Grayling steps up to the plate.

“Grayling is proper packhorse. He has so many spectacular policy implementation failures to his credit. To add failing to negotiate an actual Brexit, and instead save Johnson’s goat by accidentally signing the UK up to Hard Remain will be the crowning glory on a stellar career.”

And the timing couldn’t be more perfect as the transition period rushes to a finish and the Euro is set to replace the US Dollar as the global reserve currency.

“The Bank of England has already moved billions into the Euro, so don’t worry about paying for Covid-19, we’ve got it covered.”

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Downing Street issues new rules to make working from home more realistic

THE NEW NORMAL : AMID THE CLAMOUR AND PANIC OF LANDLORDS TERRIFIED OF A PROFIT SLUMP, as more and more people realise working from home means they aren’t miserable, the tiny voice of sanity (coming from Downing Street) maybe hard to hear.

LCD Views has decided to give them a megaphone.

“We want working from home to feel normal,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “so we’re introducing new measures to assist with that. Initially the pilot scheme will be focused on commuting, as that is an integral part of the old normal.”

To this end rules will be introduced which people now working from home will have to adhere to. It is not yet clear if the rules will also apply to individuals who were already working from home, or self-employed prior to the Covid-19 crisis.

“It’s likely they will, if you’re under a certain income threshold. Why should those people be happy?”

Good point.

While the rules are still being drafted, we have been given a heads up by our source on what form they will take.

“There’s going to be a lot of them. It’s so we can cull some later and claim to be cutting red tape,” the source advises, sensibly.

And here they are :

1. The journey between kitchen and office space must take a minimum of one hour in each direction. Two or three times a week it must take 2-3 hours, for no good reason at all.

2. Money must vanish at an escalating rate daily from your bank account while transiting to and from work. If money doesn’t vanish you will be fined.

3. Government employed transit “companions” will sporadically appear in your hallway and walk beside you during your commute. They will hold loud mobile phone conversations about their personal matters which you have no interest in.

4. You must stop intermittently in your journey between kitchen and the room designated as office for no identified reason, before continuing. You will be required to place your mobile devices into “airplane mode” during these interminable intervals to replicate inexplicable loss of mobile signal right when you need it most in your commute.

5. An out of order sign must be hung on your toilet door for three out of five days a week. You will need to ask your neighbours if you may use their toilet. It will be at their discretion if you may or may not, but their toilet must be partially broken and covered in excrement.

6. One week of every month your hallway must be out of bounds due to “hallway improvement works”

7. You must wear a mask during your journey, but anyone else in your household accompanying you must either not wear one, or wear it on their chin.

8. You must spend the first hour of every day planning your journey down your hallway, building in contingencies in case the hallway is unexpectedly not useable. You must spend the last hour of each working day doing likewise. This is to increase productivity.

9. Your hallway will be sold to a foreign consortium and become so expensive to walk in you consider driving to work, regardless of the environmental cost.

10. A tax will be levied on home workers to pay for “hallway improvement schemes”. Your hallways will be improved by contractors on long weekends and during summer holidays, especially if you have family staying. You will be required to advise government of the least convenient times for hallway improvement works, so they maybe conducted then.

11. Now and then a racist drunk will be required to rant in your hallway during your journey. Burger wrappers and empty cans of strong cider must be liberally distributed.

12. A government designated “air quality abusement officer” must be allowed access to your hallway, at their discretion, to fart. You will be required to stay with them until the odour has evaporated. They may renew the atmosphere if they choose to do so. You may not say anything. You must simply breathe and try and focus on what you will do at work.

Your hallway is now your train, be proud of it. It’s inconceivable why anyone would not want to return to full time commuting to work.

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Nigel Farage arrested for writing “Bog off we’re full” on Saxon wall

THE VENOMOUS VIGILANTE: Or the Banksy of Brexit. Slimy shit stirrer Nigel Farage has had his collar felt after defacing an ancient monument.

Farage was taking a break from harassing weary asylum seekers arriving near Dover. Instead he paid a visit to the heart of the Garden of England, where vast lorry parks are being constructed.

But the paving of Paradise had to be halted temporarily. Woke activist lefty snowflake archaeologists discovered an ancient Saxon wall in the way. This, they believe, was originally constructed to prevent people fleeing from the ruins of the Roman Empire.

Engraved upon this wall was the following legend, written in genuine Anglo-Saxon. “Faecke offeth, wir sind fölle!” Farage rendered this into modern English in six foot high letters using red paint: “Bog off, we’re full!”

Police arrested Farage at the scene of the crime, for defacing an ancient monument, causing a beach of the peace, and failing to wear a face mask.

The ancient site has created a stir of interest. Royal grave hunters have been all over it like a rash, because it is now traditional to build a car park over the burial place of a King of England.

Farage himself was incandescent with rage. “This is a disgrace!” he foghorned. “Land of Hope and Glory? Political correctness and whingeing liberals are ruining the country! Rule Britannia!” The police slapped an oversized mask over his face and dragged him away.

Farage refused to do community service. This is because he argued the community service was what he was doing when he was arrested. So they threw him in a cell for the night and let him bellow himself to sleep.

Maybe they should have left the mask on. Or the muzzle. Or the face nappy, given the amount of sh*t that comes out of his mouth.

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“I only popped out for a pint of milk” – Chris Grayling explains why he resigned from the ISC

INTELLIGENCE AND SECURITY: World beating government muppet Chris Grayling has come clean about his latest gaffe. The man with the anti-Midas touch managed to turn a trip to the corner shop into a resignation.

In normal times, buying milk for the committee members’ coffee isn’t a resigning offence. But these are not ordinary times. In Brexit Britain, the new normal is where Chris Grayling is thought to be fit to hold public office.

So what happened? LCD Views spoke to the not-so-great man himself.

“I don’t hold grudges,” he started. “But now, that chappie, Julian, err, Calendar…”

You mean, Julian Lewis, the ISC chair?

“Yes, he took my job,” he sniffed. “The one Boris Johnson promised me. Well, as I said, I don’t hold crutches…”

Grudges?

“Yes, yes, as a matter of fact I only agreed to sit on the committee out of courtesy,” he continued. “But they didn’t like me sitting on them. So Julie asked me to fetch some milk for the coffers…”

You mean, the coffee?

“Covfefe, yes, even though I like mine black,” he confirmed. “#BlackCoffeeMatters! Not being racist, some of my best friends are racist.”

Moving swiftly on, you went to buy milk?

“It took me an hour or two,” he said. “But at last I found the front door, got out my map, and headed for Tresco…”

It’s a long way to Cornwall.

“No, it was only round the corner,” Grayling confirmed. “Although I’m not sure which corner. Short story long, I got a bit lost, found a door marked ‘Cabinet Office’, went in because you keep drinks in a cabinet don’t you, and you’ll never guess what happened!”

You bumped into Dominic Cummings?

“How did you know?” Poor Grayling was utterly gobsmacked. “I didn’t know he worked in a shop. He was very rude, I only wanted some malt.”

Milk.

“That too,” Grayling admitted. “Anyway he said I could only have it if I signed a nun disclosure agreement.”

I feel sorry for the nuns.

“Only it turned out to be my resignation,” he grumbled. “Cummings lied to me! Who would have thought he was capable of such mischief?”

Who indeed. Fortunately, Grayling emerged from the affair with his reputation intact.

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Covid-19 : Downing Street calls for Brits to ‘Clap for Commercial Landlords’

CARRY ON COUGHING : It’s not just health and social care workers who are paying the price of Downing Street’s mismanagement of the Covid-19 pandemic.

“No one is stopping to think about the commercial landlords,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “some of the balance sheet forecasts are so horrifying some landlords risking having to get a real job. Oh the humanity!”

To assist the landlords Downing Street is expected to call for a national ‘Clap for Commercial Landlords’, and anyone else who grows rich from property.

But while the national admiration and respect will almost certainly be welcome, if not justified, some landlords are said to be ready to bang down Downing Street’s door and demand more concrete action.

“People have to be forced back into office spaces Covid-19 or not,” a representative of an inheritance millionaire told LCD Views, “my family hasn’t worked since the Norman invasion of 1066. We don’t intend to start now, not so long as we can collect ever expanding, inflation busting rents. What good are claps? Have you seen any nurses banking claps? Keep your filthy hands as far apart as you like. If Johnson wants more donations he’ll have the army forcing in doors.”

It can only be hoped that Mr Johnson’s reply to the worried landlords, afraid that the free market may not save their balance sheets, won’t be “Fuck Commercial Landlords”, his standard response to pretty much everyone else negatively affected by his decisions.

As to who will lead the clap from the doors of Downing Street?

“Well it won’t be Carrie out with Boris, clearly, she’s allegedly fulfilled the terms of her alleged contract for another quarter,” the source advises, unreliably, “so it will have to be Robert Jenrick holding one hand and Richard Desmond holding the other.”

Perhaps they can put out a set of swings?

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Boris Johnson to take personal control of Germany scrapping Brexit talks at EU summit

tAke BaCk CoNtRoL : The minor European power of Germany looks set for a swift kick up the arse today after regional bureaucrat Angela Merkel displayed a total ignorance of the power of Global Britain.

It seems Ms Merkel, in theory an experienced governor and international relations expert, has overplayed her already weak hand and struck discussion of Brexit off the to do list for a regional summit.

“Mr Johnson is going to have to take personal charge of Ms Merkel’s dereliction of duty,” one Tory MP told LCD Views, “he will summon her to his office and watch as Cummings sorts her out in his own way. You see. They’ll only be discussing Brexit at their little red tape gala.”

The move to intervene at the start of the crisis displays a flexibility in approach to government by Mr Johnson, it will surprise some, but not avid fans.

“Normally he waits until the bin fire is raging before strolling over with a half drunk cup of water to extinguish the blaze,” the MP noted, “this time he’s got a can of gasoline and he’s involved right at the get go. He had to clear a weekend break in Tuscany out of his diary for this. Impressive leadership.”

But what if Ms Merkel doesn’t see sense and bow to Mr Johnson, and the UK’s reinvigorated global might?

“Well the next move is obvious,” the MP shrugged, “David Davis will be on the blower to the German automotive sector and then Merkel will really be in for it!”

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Britannia rules the second wave, bellows patriot

BEHIND THE MASK: We didn’t need masks when Britain was Great, says the UK’s leading patriot. Britannia rules the waves, and will now rule the second wave.

“Yeah, we don’t need you and your snowflakey European rules, Mr Guy Ver-whatsisname,” thundered Nigel Farage. “Britons never, never, never shall be slaves to your cosy single market and your undemocratic customs union! We had an empire once, you know!”

Farage swelled like the pathetic puffed-up popinjay he is.

“We want – no, demand – our country back!” he continued, warming to his theme. “We don’t want namby-pamby face masks, it’s a little virus not bloody nerve gas! We never had covid in the good old days, when you could go to the pub, smoke 40 full strength untipped ciggies, drink a skinful, and drive home to claim your conjugal rights!”

The virus threat was pooh-poohed by the boo boo in the doo doo.

“It’s just a sniffle!” he coughed, repeatedly. “This talk of a second wave is extremely tasteless. I can’t taste anything! They kick up a stink yet I don’t smell anything! It’s time to ditch the mask! I’m spreading the virus… I mean the news… Anyone got any cough medicine?”

After all, Nigel Farage and Brexit are all about deeply misplaced nostalgia. “We want a Britain before safety matches, safety belts, safety everything. No more nanny state! Open fires, dodgy wiring, home brew made from dandelions! That’s the Britain we want back!”

The good old days. That’s what they want back. Warm beer, matrons cycling home from evensong. Women murdering husbands with frozen legs of lamb, and serving it up to the coppers afterwards. PC gone mad? The only PC they want is the bobby on the beat. Until Boris Johnson and his chums sacked them all.

Rule, Britannia? With a world beating second wave hotly anticipated, Britons would rather die horribly than be slaves to anyone trying to do them a favour.