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Maintain social distancing when hunting and foraging – Covid rules updated for the poor

DO YOU LIKE MAMMOTH : Downing Street is set to issue up to date Coronavirus rules today to keep abreast with the changing UK fine dining landscape.

The new guidance is aimed at families struggling to make ends meet on a budget, and to ensure they stay hale and hearty as they forage for the weekly food shop.

“The important thing is that the new guidance looks to the future,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “these rules will also assist in the changing post Brexit landscape. And I don’t just mean Kent turning into one giant concrete lorry park.”

The guidance focuses on traditional ways to feed a family of four.

“Obesity is clearly less of an issue than it was, now that Spaffer Johnson has set an example and hired a personal trainer. But how do you keep the hoi polloi trim and fit for the digital mill? Why, exercising while getting groceries. It’s clearly a win win.”

To this end the guidance will focus on hunting and foraging.

“It’s the traditional way for the underclass to gain sustenance and enjoy the thrill of the outdoors. And it doesn’t have to be just pottage today and pottage tomorrow. Hunting fresh flesh isn’t just for the rich and powerful. It takes dogged perseverance to catch a rabbit with a rock.”

And rock will feature heavily, with classic spear and arrowhead designs to be included.

“Flint is plentiful and free. I’m sure Her Majesty won’t mind subjects on a budget scouring the Thames foreshore for weapon’s grade flint. If you’re foraging for flint in Kent, clearly you’ll have to hurry, before it’s concreted over. Obsidian is only available in Scotland, so we won’t be worrying about that. As for the shafts and handles? Well, just go into your garden and choose a suitable wood. I believe Yew is best for bows.”

But when hunting in groups and foraging in packs citizens are advised that CV-19 is still a risk.

“The ventilation of the outdoors will help dramatically reduce the chance of contracting Covid off a clan member, but still we would encourage the wearing of masks. Presumably they can be easily made from pelts. And besides, if you want to corner that frisky doe you’ll need to disperse and encircle. Perhaps your family pet can help? That’s if you haven’t already eaten the dog and used it’s hide to make gloves.”

And don’t think that the ministers who have hired consultants to draw up this new guidance are not aware of the problem of heat or eat.

“You can start a fire with the right rocks. Just strike that flint and blow softly into some dry grass. With these new guidelines you’ll be cooking a stew on a Sunday and have plenty of leftovers for sandwiches through the week. And importantly, as it’s winter, you won’t even need to bung 50p every half hour in the fridge to keep it running. Just store your leftovers in fox proof containers on the back patio. And with any luck, you might even get to eat the fox.”

*When eating dogs be sure to avoid the liver. It contains a toxin that can be fatal.

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There are better ways of feeding children than giving them food, claims Boris Johnson

FEED THE WORLD: Let them know it’s definitely not Christmas time. Crime Minister Boris Johnson has defended the decision to vote against extending the free school meals system over the school holidays. Yes, giving them meal vouchers may be one way to feed them, but there are better ways to tackle the problem.

Johnson announced a whole raft of excuses to explain why the simple expedient of subsidising children’s meals, in the same way that the House of Commons subsidises MPs’ meals, is a bad idea.

“There is no need to go down the socialistic route.” waffled Johnson tetchily, tucking into his pheasant and caviar pie, while downing the dregs of a £750 bottle of red wine. “The state of it, I mean, the state of Florida, I mean the state does not own poor children, I must state that, we hived them off years ago, wiff waff.”

Michael Gove tottered by, looking a little worse for wear. “This is for later, know what I mean,” he said, passing Johnson a small packet, and tapping his nose in a meaningful way.

“Ah yes, of course,” spluttered Johnson. “Food is addictive, we can’t encourage children to get hooked on apples and sandwiches now, can we? Cheers, Mikey, it’s about time for my pick-me-up!”

“Oh, you’re talking about this food voucher nonsense?” Gove chipped in. “What are food banks and charities for, may I ask? These valuable institutions exist for a reason, and far be it for us to seek to undermine them!”

“And the little tykes who clean out my chimneys won’t be able to get up there to do their job,” agreed Johnson, taking another mighty slice of the pie. “They must be fit and lean, and their families need the extra income!”

It would be deeply unjust to suggest that, if the government fed children directly, there is no way that Serco could make an obscene profit from the affair.

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Downing Street sets up ‘Serco School Dinners’ – consultants to be paid £7K each per meal served

PLEASE SIR CAN I HAVE SOME MORE UNTENDERED CONTRACTS : England’s hungry children are set to experience happier days shortly as Downing Street moves to end the furore over Downing Street’s decision to not feed England’s hungry children.

“We have set up a special school dinner programme that will take the matter out of the inefficient hands of state schools that have too often failed to feed children,” the prime minister is expected to tell a press conference later today.

“Working with our private partners we will deliver food like substances to hungry children up and down England. Most days. Some weeks.”

The new delivery service will be run by everyone’s favourite corporate giant, Serco.

“Serco’s experts will consult and deliver meals direct to open mouthed slum children, via a complex array of sub-contractors. This solves the problem of parents swapping chicken nuggets for bags of crack cocaine.”

The service will have an initial budget of several billion, but the budget is open ended.

“The long term fiscal advantages of employing the private sector will be obvious immediately. Especially to the private sector.”

It is believed the consultants employed by Serco School Dinners will initially advise that better menus are produced to entice starving children to the dining table.

“It’s clear that one of the big problems is not a lack of food, it’s kept in warehouses often very close to entire slums. No it’s in the story told to children about that food. Chicken nuggets and chips doesn’t sound especially appetising. Such a tired old story. But if the meal is recast as something like ‘a selection of choice petit poulet fleisch with invigorated solanaceae selections, embellished with a free flowing tomato relish’, why children will believe they’re dining at the subsidised House of Commons and rush to the trough.”

Importantly too there will be no penalty clauses in the contract.

“If children don’t eat it’s their fault for being fussy,” the prime minister will conclude, “there’s twigs, leaves and slogans to be found all around the country. And once Serco School Dinners is up and running the bank accounts of the consultants will be overflowing with fiscal nutrience. And with £7K being paid per meal served to each child to each consultant, no child will go hungry ever again. This is what we mean by levelling up the country.”

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Boris Johnson’s plane to undergo fresh repaint with pictures of food

AIRFARCE ONE : The people’s prime minister, Boris Johnson, has decided to lift the spirits of the nation’s children, after a week that can best be described as dispiriting.

“His aeroplane, recently repainted with the Union Jack at vast expense, is to undergo another paint job,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but this time the plane will be painted with food icons.”

The food, which will be exclusively dishes favoured by hungry children, will be painted with a cartoon flair to “encapsulate the PM’s innate sense of play”.

“When the hungry mites see his plane flying overhead they’ll now see great big dishes of spaghetti, burgers and fries, fish and chips and so on, painted on the undercarriage.”

But because of the PM’s concern that children should lose weight, there will also be healthy eating options painted under the wings.

“Clearly starving children is one way to tackle the epidemic of child obesity,” the source continues, “but education is also important. So images of raw broccoli, capsicum and cucumber sticks will also be displayed.”

It’s felt that seeing the food flying over their heads will also be aspirational.

“Just think, if you leave school early you can get a job and maybe one day afford a meal?” the source enthuses, “and this will make social distancing in schools easier. Especially as the jobs available will be digi economy, app based, isolated and keep kids moving so swiftly that Covid-19 can’t catch up to them.”

Plans to regulate the bartering for hard drugs with food are also being considered.

“Children should know how much crack they’ll get in their slum when they go to exchange a tin of beans for a fix. We want to ensure the prices are fixed so that everyone can get involved on a level playing field.”

Critics have attacked this additional move, calling it medalling in the free market for hard drugs and ready meals, but it’s believed the PM will push on regardless after Michael Gove personally championed the initiative.

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Queen asks Marcus Rashford to form a government

AND WHAT DO YOU DO : QUEEN ELIZABETH II, second of her name, ruler of a rapidly shrinking dominion, has asked 21 year old Manchester United football star Marcus Rashford to form a government.

The surprising move comes after a week in which the outgoing administration of Boris Johnson refused to feed the children its own policies are largely responsible for making hungry.

Mr Rashford is understood to have accepted the request from the monarch and begun selecting his cabinet.

“As the office of the Prime Minister is not established by law, but relies on long established convention, it’s perfectly legitimate for Mr Rashford to assume the office, even though he is not a member of Parliament,” our legal eagle reassures.

“It’s understood that the coveted position of Home Secretary has already been accepted by Jürgen Klopp,” our correspondent continues, “and we can expect a markedly different approach to the policies of the department from the outgoing Priti Patel.”

Harry Maguire is expected to accept the position of Secretary of State for Defence and Raheem Sterling to be Chancellor – although a spokesman for the new prime minister insists it’s not just because of his surname.”

The first responsibility of the new government will clearly be feeding vulnerable children and looking for ways to reverse the damaging policies of the last 10 years of Tory rule.

“Remainers can anticipate joy too,” our correspondent suggests, “as it’s likely that Mr Rashford will look to reverse the frankly daft and self defeating decision by Boris Johnson’s administration to abandon freedom of movement across Europe. A young man that fleet of foot is going to want to travel to all areas of the continental pitch, as he likes.”

A first Queen’s Speech is currently being drafted in what is being seen as a move that reflects the “will of the people” and secures for Queen Elizabeth II a prime minister who doesn’t shame her with his every word and deed.

Dominic Cummings and the other Vote Leave gang were last seen legging it from 10 Downing Street in replay of scenes played out earlier in the pandemic.

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Tory MP crushed to death under giant poppy

VIRTUE SIGNALLED : Disturbing reports this morning that a Conservative MP has been killed by his symbolic, floral display.

The incident is believed to have occurred during the debate on whether or not to feed starving children over Christmas.

“Clearly the right decision was taken by the patriotic government to let poor children starve,” Tory Peer Lord Flagshagger of Flagshag on Shag told LCD Views, “otherwise what did those men die on those beaches for? How will underfed children motivate themselves to be inheritance millionaires when they grow up, if they aren’t unnecessarily hungry as mites? Really sharpens the mind.”

But what about the deceased MP?

“Oh, he was just lobby fodder doing what he was told. He won’t be missed. I doubt he’ll be remembered. Crushed under the weight of his patriotism. An excellent way to go.”

That doesn’t sound very compassionate.

“He’s a noble sacrifice for the cause. And seriously, if you’re wearing a poppy so big no one can see you’ve slipped and are slowly being asphyxiated under it? Well, there’s no greater way to remember our fallen then to join them while blatantly virtue signalling.”

Do you think the episode opens up a debate on how we remember the conflicts of the past, in the present day, and whether or not we’re losing nuance and context, and perhaps increasing the possibility of repeating the mistakes which led to great global conflicts by steeping our national culture too deeply in nationalism and exceptionalism, when you consider that those who make the most obvious displays are also often the ones who push nationalism, so the association is developed and it’s not healthy, and the whole culture of remembrance, in the political sphere, becomes devoid of the realities of the human experience in times of war?

“What? You lost me at ‘do you think’.”

Would you like me to repeat the question?

“No. The bloody oysters are off. I’ve just seen the email from the House of Commons restaurant.”

What are you going to do?

“I guess I’ll have the salmon mousse.”

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Ebenezer Scrooge appointed Minister for Feeding Poor Children

LET THEM EAT HUMBUG: Ebenezer Scrooge, the infamous fictional miser, is the new Minister for Feeding Poor Children. Free school meals will not be extended to cover the Christmas holidays. The depths this Dickensian government is willing to plumb just get deeper and deeper.

It would have been a popular move to provide meals for the poorest children in society. It would have been cheaper than a bogus PPE contract, or even protecting the Manchester economy. But no. Presumably because it’s socialism.

The excuses given were as creative as the decision was mean. Feeding the poor is nationalisation, for example. Work that one out. Also, the last Labour government didn’t do it. Which can only mean that the tail of Tony Blair is wagging Boris Johnson’s dog.

It’s Dilyn we feel sorry for, as well as the starving children.

We all know how this one will play out. Scrooge will be visited by the ghost of Bob Marley, whose music he will detest. Then an unholy trinity of time travelling spirits, possibly in a blue box, who will show him the error of his ways. The conclusion will be awarding Marcus Rashford MBE (Make Britain Eat) with another gong.

With Boris Johnson as his boss, though, the contract for delivering world beating Christmas dinners will be awarded to Serco. The £12bn contract will be fulfilled, with the first Christmas dinners to be delivered, promptly, in April.

The dinners will be oven ready, of course. They will consist of a few over-boiled sprouts, a small roast potato, and a sliver of chlorinated turkey. Each will include a rather uplifting homily by Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Rashford will be promoted to Ambassador from the People’s Republic of Manchester to Whatever’s Left of the UK. Scrooge will repent at leisure, comforted by a massive payoff.

And the children? Let them eat Sovereignty.

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“If we feed hungry kids we’ll have an oversupply of professional footballers” – Tory MPs

LESS IS MORE : THE GOVERNING CONSERVATIVE PARTY OF THE UNITED KINGDOM made a bold mark yesterday against the avalanche of snowflakery that threatens to undermine the character of the country’s deprived children.

They did this by voting down a motion from the opposition calling for them to feed children. Never has the moral character of the government been more tested than when faced with the gaunt and hungry faces of innocents who could do with a square meal.

“We had to make a stand,” Tory peer Lord Bastard of Bastard on Bastard told LCD Views, “you feed a starving child one day and he’ll just be back with the begging bowl the next. We didn’t spend the last ten years inflicting austerity unnecessarily on the country just to have to feed the poor children. They need to go out and find a proper job. It’s not our fault they chose their accident of birth so poorly.”

Exactly what work the hungry beggars should do isn’t entirely clear, as the job boom to come from Brexit doesn’t properly kick off until next year. Fruit picking, racketeering and so on.

“If they’ve got the nous to lift themselves out of poverty than they’ll club together and form a PPE company. Or they could be a Test and Trace consultant for seven grand a day. Perhaps a customs agent?” Bastard suggests.

“Don’t be a nurse though. Bugger all money in it.”

Clearly the options are plentiful and the need to avoid a life long dependency on food must be considered.

“You can imagine how rum it will get if we feed them a Christmas dinner?” Bastard finishes, “and if we keep feeding them through their schooling? They maybe able to focus on their studies or chosen sport. We could end up with an oversupply of professional footballers in the country.”

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Government to turn The North into a lorry park

IT’S GRIM OOP NORTH: The North’s attempt to acquire public funds for Tier 3 compensation has backfired. This attempt to apply taxpayers’ money for the benefit of taxpayers has enraged a government intent on embezzling it. In retaliation, The North will become one great big lorry park.

This will solve a number of knotty problems. Troublesome Manchester will finally be obliterated, there will be plenty of parking while goods await movement through ports like Liverpool, Hull and Newcastle, and nobody will ever have to eat black pudding again.

This will also benefit Scotland, as The North will form a concrete border with England, and make it that much easier for them to rejoin the EU.

It will also create jobs for all the northerners, who, sadly, will have to make way. Still, a bad job is better than no job, and the government will spend many millions on a campaign informing the hordes of the great unwashed, homeless, flat ‘at, flat vowels brigade, just how lucky they are.

The great cities and the stunning northern countryside will be flattened, and covered with layer upon layer of cheap concrete. That’s what levelling up means.

The motorways will still exist. When a consignment of avocados finally gets through the mountains of customs forms, transit permits, and blue passport controls, there will be no time to lose. Avocado Priority Lanes on the M1 and M6 will ensure that the delicacies will arrive in London by lunchtime, ready to be smashed by trendy hipsters.

Nobody will mention that the avocados will by then have ripened, matured, passed their sell-by date, and rotted away, while stuck in a lorry, waiting for world beating frictionless trade to be invented.

No downsides, just a considerable upside. Trade will still happen. London will still be ok. And nobody will ever have to put up with a northern accent again.

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Boris Johnson promises Andy Burnham an extra £43m if he builds the Garden Bridge

NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS : Embattled alleged internationalist kleptocratic clique stooge Boris Johnson has held out an olive branch to the “King in the North”.

While the negotiations over funding for Manchester appear to be going as well as Mr Johnson having all his families over for dinner, Mr Johnson has nevertheless pulled a trump card out of his genius hole.

“He’s offering Burnham an additional £43m for Manchester,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but there’s strings attached. The money is ring fenced and can’t be spent on Covid-19 related issues.”

What the money can be spent on is in theory a secret, but our reliable source has let the cat out of the bag.

“He’s going to give it to Burnham but only if he promises to spend it planning a Garden Bridge over the River Tame. It’s close enough to Thames in spelling that it’s completely confused Dominic Raab. But that’s standard. It has however given Mr Johnson a way to fulfil his dream of building a garden bridge. And of course it will unite the country and restore belief in Boris Johnson’s make believe government.”

The bridge will be championed by credulous celebrities and ALL the money spent on designing it.

“Clearly the scheme doesn’t actually need to come to fulfilment,” the source shrugs, “like everything the government does it’s a neat way of getting money into the pockets of our chums. Public outcomes are unimportant.”

What Mr Burnham will do with the offer isn’t clear.

He’s waiting for it to be leaked to the MSM news channels, like all government decisions these days, and then for someone else to run over and tell him about it. He will react after that.

Strong and stable government. Not chaos under Ed Miliband. Get Bridge Building Done.