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Get ready! Be prepared! says government changing the rules every week at the last minute

HANDS, FACE, SPACE, AND BOOMPSY-DAISY: The latest guidance for businesses facing the Brexit cliff edge has been published. Like all previous guidance, the paper it is written on is worth rather more.

LCD Views’ Purple Prose Condenser has been hard at work, and has distilled the prolix document into readable form. In essence, the guidance states, Get Ready! Be Prepared! And Stay Alert!

Of course, a rather more honest evaluation of the guidance was supplied by none other than Crime Minister (In Name Only) Boris Johnson. In his former guise as Secretary of State for Insulting Foreigners, an exasperated Johnson lost his cool when some lackey dared to ask him a searching question. “F@#k business!” was the, for once, honest retort. He won, we lost, so we will have to suck it up, while he f@#ks it up.

The business community, and to be honest, the rest of us as well, have been hoping for clarity. But it’s difficult to Get Ready For Brexit when nobody knows what Brexit means, least of all those in charge of delivering it. Or at least, they do probably know, but daren’t tell the rest of us because it’s going to be catastrophic.

Meanwhile The Rules are changing faster than the Great British Weather. To lockdown, or not to lockdown, that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the government to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous coronavirus, or to take arms against a sea of naysayers? And as for Brexit, well the UK’s world beating negotiators are still quibbling over fishing rights and refusing to engage until they get their own way.

So nobody knows. F@#ked businesses will have to respond instantly to demands that should have been made clear years ago.

In conclusion, this is what to do. Stock up on baked beans, toilet roll, and candles. It’s going to be a long, dark, winter.

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Trump signs executive order – all votes cast Nov 3rd by voters without CV-19 will be invalid

PRIME MAGA CHUMP STEAK : US PRESIDENT AND ALLY OF GLOBAL WARMING, DONALD ‘ORANGE’ TRUMP, HAS SIGNED A NEW EXECUTIVE ORDER ON THE EVE OF THE US 2020 GENERAL ELECTION.

The order is aimed to limit the spread of Covid-19 on polling day, which the president is said to be exceptionally concerned about.

“This is why the voting queues for early voting have been miles long,” a White House insider told us, speaking through an ouija board, “so that people don’t give each other the foreign flu. We had to close many polling places because we believe in democracy.”

The new executive order is aimed to build on this work, along with that of MAGA trucks blocking access to voting stations, to ensure social distancing is maintained.

“We’ll also be burning all the mail in ballots,” the insider continued, “just in case they’re contaminated. Which is very possible as most of them have been posted from China. Fact.”

The change to voting eligibility on polling day will require all people presenting to vote to pass a Covid-19 test before receiving their ballot paper.

“Some undemocratic traitors have claimed that we’re only letting people vote who are Covid-19 positive as that proves they’ve been to a Trump rally in the last two weeks. But that is incorrect. They may live with someone who has been to one. Or work with one. Or stood too long next to one at a supermarket. There’s many ways they could have become infected recently.”

Although clearly, attending a Trump rally is the best way to be sure you pass the test and cast your ballot.

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“You’re destroying the economy with lockdowns!” Cry MPs who want to destroy the economy with Brexit

THE INTRINSIC VALUE OF HUMAN HYPOCRISY : Tory MPs are making themselves heard over the plans to bring in some kind of lockdown again in England.

Twitter, Facebook, the state broadcaster and various channels are currently constipated with swivel eyed Tory MPs demanding that people be allowed to die as nature intended. Even though the rules have clearly been redesigned to allow them to carry on living just as they like.

“Sometimes a virus comes to clear out the poor,” Des Face Eating Lizard MP said yesterday to a range of client journalists, “sometimes it does it really fast. Sometimes it’s a bacteria. That’s nature.”

And while some are aghast at how fully the mask has slipped from the Caring Conservatives, and their general disregard for human life, others are celebrating the possibility to use the schism for grift.

“All channels are also full of self-appointed experts who just don’t care if your parents die,” our burning planet analyst reports, “which is nice. I mean if you can make money peddling misinformation and conspiracy theories, that’s a damn sight easier than working for a living. You might even get elected to office. It’s a bloody puzzle while our country is in such a mess. Someone should look into it. And then legislate to stop it.”

But whether or not the growing rebellion in Mr Johnson’s party can be contained is about as clear yet as to whether or not school children will be made to stay in school long enough for worried parents to catch Covid.

“It’s a travesty,” a cabinet insider told LCD Views, “we’ve spent years working to destroy the UK economy with Brexit, and then fragment the country into its constituent parts. After that we’ll look for someone to blame. But we never foresaw Covid. It’s doing our work for us. Well more correctly, the mismanagement of it is doing the work of Brexit. What will be left for Brexit?”

I guess this is what you get when you elect disaster capitalists to office. Some just don’t want a quick disaster, some want it tantric. That’s where the smart money is.

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Mark Francois to lead The Army into battle against Covid

MARK MY WORDS: The government’s go-to solution for every problem is being wheeled out yet again. The Army will lead the fighting in the War On Covid, and who better to lead the cavalry than Little Mark Francois?

Operation Mincemeat, as this initiative has tentatively been named, will commence immediately. Or in other words, on Thursday. Or Friday. Or maybe Saturday, just after closing time. Or Sunday. No, leave it until Monday, because everybody knows that Covid doesn’t work at the weekend.

Unfortunately, there is no sign yet of the Clandestine Covid Threat Commander. The thick-as-Operation-Mincemeat Francois is still Missing In Action, or maybe AWOL. He is sayin’ nuttin’ and layin’ low. Even the good people of Rayleigh and Wickford have no idea where the tubby Territorial has got to.

Still, that is no hindrance for one of “Classic” Dom Cummings’ SuperPlans. The SuperForecaster, who SuperForecasted the need for a second lockdown a mere five weeks after SAGE recommended it, has never let practical concerns stand in the way of achieving His objectives.

Indeed, so urgent is the need for a lockdown and martial medicine that the latest skirmishes will not commence until the back end of the week. The stated reason, to paraphrase the Clandestine Covid Threat Commander himself, is because if Covid refuses to cooperate this time, then he will be obliged to pass the matter upstairs to Cummings, and Covid won’t like that, not one little bit.

The utter absence of visible leadership has characterised the current government’s world beating success. The UK is top of the league for infection rates per capita, and also for preventable deaths. This enviable success has led to a stronger, fitter, healthier population (if somewhat reduced in number), which is ideal preparation for the shortages of food, medicine, fuel and so forth come January.

Alas, there will inevitably be casualties of war, as the Crime Minister might as well have said. If, sadly, you die of Covid, then you take your Covid to the grave, and then who has the last laugh? We will remember them, virtue signalling with a Covid poppy, followed by an allegedly socially distanced booze-up at the local ‘Spoons.

Dulce et decorum est, pro patria mori.

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Prime minister said to be in “stable condition” and “resting with donors” after having to work on a Saturday

LOCK IT DOWN : OUTGOING BRITISH PRIME MINISTER, BORIS JOHNSON, is understood to be taking the rest of the month off, in order to recover from a unique and unprecedented ordeal.

“It was simply terrifying,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “but the people’s prime minister rose to the challenge when duty called.”

The challenge initially involved finishing lunch earlier than planned.

“Well, that was a matter of some debate with the rest of the cabinet. Al only got up around 11am. He accidentally wandered into his office, instead of the bathroom. His eyes were a little bleary from the night before. I don’t think he noticed Gove sitting behind his desk pretending to sign a declaration of war against Wales. But after he had freshened up he made it to the dining room. There ensued a fierce discussion with Carrie over whether or not he was actually having breakfast, lunch or in reality brunch? It was a very charming family scene. They both switched to fluent Russian. Which made the painting with the camera and microphone smile. Boris had to employ some half remembered classical allusions to win out. Something about Medusa and internecine conflict in a wool shop with Theseus. He eventually got his full English, with pheasant, and called it brunch.”

Clearly that would have been enough of a day’s work for your average prime minister, but fate had more in store for Boris Johnson.

“It was as he was using the table cloth to wipe the mustard off his lips that it happened. Dominic sauntered in and made the shocking announcement. Boris was going to have to talk to the nation. Normally he loves this kind of thing, but given he was going to have to contradict everything he’d been saying for the past several weeks over CV-19 lockdowns, it was a little ticklish. But worst of all. It looked like work, it smelt like work and it felt like work. And it was a Saturday.”

What followed thereafter was televised. The aftermath will be endured in private, with friends, with donors, and almost certainly some arts and crafts.

“He’s busily painting a bus he made out of an empty crate of Pinot Shattuer Clusterfook 2016 to 2020 Ongoing vintage. And it is hoped he will make a full recovery in time to announce the closing of schools in a few weeks time. After the current half arsed attempt to look like they’re doing something other than making friends richer via Covid plays out.”

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Big bawbag to address nation in bawbag at 5pm this afternoon

TANTRIC COVID : “They say that running a country is like making love to a beautiful woman,” prime minister Boris ‘Bawbag’ Johnson is expected to tell the nation this afternoon, “only you’re doing it while watching over your shoulder for your wife to enter the room, as it’s happening during a christening of some sprog belonging to some party donor or other, you can’t really remember. So perhaps your eye isn’t firmly on the job in hand. You should really have shaken off your private security first, what if they can’t be relied upon to keep the missus away? It’s hard to get into the grove with so much on the mind. More so because you’re also wondering about making love to that hot little filly you spotted earlier at the church, and having to fight a court battle over paternity of a child you don’t want to acknowledge while trying to get off a mental tripwire so thin your flat feet are being painfully creased. And none of it helped by having a speech to finish writing in which you’re considering invoking Agamemnon. Not only to prove you half slept through a classics tutorial one summer long past, but because you’re considering passing a law forcing Argos to change its name to something British. Would that play well to the baying mob? Now, where were we? That’s right! Wondering if you can serve Domaine de la Romanee at the little bash the girlfriend is determined to throw, and claim it back on expenses? Ticklish.”

And then he will turn his attention to Covid and the easily avoidable second national lockdown, if only the government wasn’t managing Covid-19 on a calculation of how many daily deaths are survivable politically.

Everyone clap for Boris.

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Tory Party releases “Papp” – the app that allows donors to win PPE contracts anywhere anytime

CONTAINS IN APP ADVERTISING : THE GOVERNING CONSERVATIVE PARTY HAS ANNOUNCED TODAY A MAJOR NEW DIGITAL BREAKTHROUGH IN THE FIGHT TO GRAB PUBLIC CASH.

“Papp”.

“Papp uses the same world beating software that was used to develop the gold standard ‘Matt the App’ for the Health Secretary,” a 10 Downing Street source enthused, “Only it’s now ramped up to get app making done.”

Papp will only be available to Conservative Party donors and friends of cabinet minister, giving it an exclusivity to die for in the fight against CV-19.

“Users who download Papp will be able to bid for PPE contracts wherever they are. Be they wandering the halls of their mansion, in their third or fourth home, in a chauffeur driven limo, anywhere they have an internet or mobile connection.”

And what’s even better is the nudge theory used in the app will prompt users to bid for PPE contracts again and again.

“Regular users will get prompts as they go about their day encouraging people to pretend there is not a pandemic,” the source continues, “they maybe nodding along to a tabloid headline about how there’s nothing to fear if you’re poor and get Covid, and up will pop Papp to remind them it’s time to set up another shell company and grab a PPE contract.”

There will be a series of levels for users, but even infrequent players will easily be able to grab a £108m contract to supply rubber gloves at £50 a glove to the NHS.”

Papp is never dull, and with its exciting range of icons based on WW2, users will be back to win untendered contracts again and again.

“If there’s a penny left in the public purse there’s a reason to open Papp.”

And it’s not just ministers that are enthusing over Papp. The Disaster Capitalists Guild has named Papp it’s app of 2020.

Get get Papp today, don’t let the smears put you off!

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Downing Street announces 2am to 2:15am curfew to crush second Covid wave

IT DOESN’T TAKE A SUPERFORECASTER : DOWNING STREET is high in the international league tables for CV-19 response and with the brains trust firmly in command it is looking to stay there.

“We are looking to ramp up our world beating reputation. This will coincide with the totally unprecedented second wave, which no one forecast when we reopened the entire country at once. As the wave breaks across this green and pleasant, concreted land we will keep our place internationally,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and to ensure that only care homes, and not the NHS, are overwhelmed, we are bringing in new measures to slow the spread and control the virus.”

The new measures will involve restrictions that have not yet been employed in the UK, as so far the Dido Harding Serco Test and Trace system has kept the UK virtually free of Coronavirus. And all at a steal.

“For the first time we will bring in a curfew which will put paid to the gloomsayers who query if we are doing everything we can to keep pubs open just to stop Tim Martin phoning Johnson up at midnight and boring him to tears for hours.”

The curfew will be specifically targeted to hit Covid-19 at the time of its peak activity, as determined by Dominic Cummings’ understanding of the virus, as viewed from a perspective of Sun Tzu.

“2am to 2:15am is when the virus really lets rip. Well not in Global Britain. Not today. Or tonight,” the source adds, “every minute is vital in the fight against this invisible mugger loose on our streets again. But with the 15min circuit breaker, which will be in force from the 31st of November this year, we will send Covid-19 packing!”

*curfew does not apply to Barnard Castle. Any of Robert Jenrick’s homes. Wherever Stanley Johnson happens to be. And anywhere where Boris Johnson is cosplaying as a pleb.

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Boris Johnson requests friends undertake two weeks of health screens so they can go to Mustique

LIARLAND PARADISE : BORIS JOHNSON has his finger on the pulses today of his closest friends as he sets out to imitate a Kardashian trendsetter.

“I’m not sure how he can afford to do it on his budget?” a close friend allegedly told LCD Views, “paying Carrie Symonds lookalikes for Downing Street photo ops is an expensive business. And that’s before he shells out for poop bags for the Dylin lookalikes. I can’t believe he can’t claim that shit on expenses. It’s a scandal.”

But tightened belt or not the people’s prime minister is looking to take a selection of friends away for a dose of normalcy during tiring times.

“You know what they say, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. The same goes for Boris and Al and whatever other names he uses. A break on an island is just the ticket. Get some normal life back. Bunga bunga parties. Shaking off security details to meet with mysterious Russians. Lots of bouncy blondes. And all paid for by some friendly billionaires.”

And to show he hasn’t lost his sense of play Mr Johnson is believed to have come up with a catchy name for the getaway.

“Will of the People Island Holiday. Get Holidaying Done. Phrases like that. Everyone will know what they’re in for even before they arrive on Mustique.”

But what about friends who fail the medical test?

“How? You saw how Coronavirus ripped through Johnson and the cabinet. It’s not possible to fail the test even if the result is positive.”

But how will the coterie travel to Mustique? Private Jet?

“Yes. But to start the adventure they’ll all be picked up by a big red bus. When you see the big red Boris bus you know you’re being taken for a ride.”

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School dinners to be served at Kent Lorry Park after children finish their shift

CONCRETE DOESN’T POUR ITSELF YOU KNOW : Great news for the UK’s untapped child workforce today. The government has decided to kill two birds with one stone.

Starting from the beginning of the new school term in Southeast England, next week, children too hungry to study will have an opportunity to work to eat.

“Work to eat, that’s the slogan,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it’s pointless wasting precious state financial assets educating children who will be vital cogs in the workforce from January 2021. And with so many complaining of hunger because their parents spent all their benefits on a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, and laughers* this new scheme will give them the chance to feel what a full belly feels like.”

A full belly after a day of self-esteem boosting work.

“The scheme will be centred on the Kent lorry parks that are currently under construction. And let me tell you, we need labour. Child, teenager, adult, retiree, it doesn’t matter, if you’ve one good hand and a one working foot, partial vision, or even none at all, your government believes you are good to work. Good to work to eat.”

The ‘Work to Eat’ scheme does tailor itself to children’s needs in more ways than food.

“We all know no child of working age wants to go to bed. Work to eat takes advantage of this by forcing children to work the night shifts. As the sun rises each day they will be shunted into the mess tent and get a full plate of gruel. Clearly as we haven’t yet reached the Winter Solstice the breakfasts will be later each morning until late December. This will only add to the anticipation.”

But the vital, and timely scheme has drawn some fire from Northern MPs.

“What about the North? We weren’t duped into standing for election for Boris Johnson on a raft of clearly bogus promises just to see our own children denied the opportunity to pour concrete in Kent.”

To counter this potential uprising a Downing Street source released the following statement,

“What about the North? We don’t need you again until 2024.”

*Name the book the list of drugs is from and you won’t win a prize!