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Health minister says second national lockdown will turn UK voters into “the sourdough kings of Europe!”

TANGIBLE BENEFITS : WE ALL recall the heady days of the first UK Covid-19 lockdown like it was only yesterday. Because it was.

And now as the infection runs rampant across the country once more it’s time to put away the nostalgia and get ready to make new memories. Stock up on those groceries! Get down to that pharmacy and beat the run on painkillers! Let the dog know he won’t be home alone again. Get ready to make new memories.

“And not just new memories,” a health minister tells LCD Views, “memories? Rhymes with bakeries. Am I right?”

Yes you are!

“And what do you do in bakeries? You make memories.”

This is a rising star!

“The second national lockdown, coming into force any day now, will give all Global Britains the chance to once again practice staying at home. Just the way we like it. And what do you do with day after day indoors alone or with the kids? Why, you bake of course! Splashing each other with flour. Dusting each other with eggs! Rolling one another in milk! The fun doesn’t have to stop just because you’re worrying if you’ll get to a ventilator in time.”

Many Britons did famously turn to baking to pass the time in the first lockdown and it’s perfectly sensible to expect they will do so in the second.

“See the tangible benefits of having disaster capitalists in government? You don’t want this pandemic over in a rush. You want to bake! BAKE! Why, by this time next year I wager Global Britons will be the sourdough kings and queens of Europe!”

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“Rule of One” – only one person per household may now legally get Covid-19

KEEP A CLOSE EYE ON YOUR NEIGHBOURS : GLOBAL BRITAIN has got Covid-19 in the bag!

From midnight yesterday* it is now illegal for more than one member of any household to contract Covid-19 in the United Kingdom.

The new restriction is to help slow the spread of this most virulent virus and stop the NHS becoming overwhelmed.

This is important.

As with the first wave of Covid-19 the most important aspect was/is the visuals.

It is not for British governments to see their hospitals overflow onto the pavement like careless continentals. This is entirely unnecessary when you have a well established and widespread privatised care home network.

It will also have the added benefit of dramatically reducing demand for Covid-19 tests as it will not be legal for anyone but mum, or dad, or a younger sibling, or a grandparent (in multi-generational households), or an older sibling, brother, sister, step-brother, step mum, visiting boyfriend who is supposed to be sleeping on the sofa, aunt or uncle fallen on hard times and staying in the box room while the divorce is finalised, or visiting exchange student to be infected at once.

“Essentially it is form an orderly queue,” an official claiming to be working with Matt Hancock told LCD Views, “one at a time please people. Show some decorum. You can’t all be sick at once. It’s not British.”

“This will also allow us to arrive at the cherished, sunlit upland of herd immunity, prior to the 2024 General Election. Covid-19 – let’s make a success of it!”

But in order to make the legislation effective we all have to do our bit.

“If you know of, or even suspect, a neighbouring property has more than one infected member you will be asked to call a new freephone number. After all your personal data is scraped a privatised police officer will be dispatched to arrest the offending parties.”

STAY ALERT – catch Covid-19 first and be sure everyone knows you had it first. This way the wrong people won’t get arrested.

#GlobalBritain #TwoWorldWarsOneWorldCupOneViralPandemic

*supporting legislation will be made by fiat and published in the usual channels once Dom has finished blogging it.

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Operation One Test – Government plan to wait and diagnose entire UK with CV-19 in one go

STEADY AS SHE GOES : THE SEAS MAYBE A LITTLE CHOPPY around MIGHTY Britain currently, but that’s just the expected seasonal change as autumn comes in.

“No one should get the impression that it’s a complete shambles,” an aide to Health Wizard Matt Hancock told LCD Views, “Matt is working his little socks off day and night to honour those men who died on the beaches. You remember them? Matt invoked them in his quest to be Tory Party leader, before throwing them under the bus to get a job with Boris. People of known quantity are leading the country in its current darkest hour.”

But it’s not going to get very dark, not even if you need a Covid-19 test.

“Some people appear to be alarmed by reports that Richard E. Grant got a Covid-19 test at an airport in Italy, just like that. I agree. It’s incredibly alarming the way some states in the EU squander public resources! You can rest assured that your government has fiscal responsibility at the heart of its response to the Covid-19 crisis.”

And it’s this famous Tory ability to shepherd the public finances that is behind the latest wheeze from the spunking power bunkers of 10 Downing Street and the Department of Health?

“Yes! We have now launched Operation One Test. This will revolutionise demand for Covid-19 tests in the United Kingdom.”

But how does it work? What’s the masterplan?

“It’s simple. We just keep flinging bag loads of cash out of the back door to our mates while Covid-19 spreads. Once the entire country is infected we will only need One Test to diagnose everybody!”

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Dominic Cummings edits 10 year old blog post to predict Barbados becoming a republic in 2020

FORESKIN ON THE KNOB OF FORESIGHT : It’s easy to forecast the future if you’re a superforecaster, but not everyone can be super. It’s a good thing Global Britain has a prime minister who has outsourced his brain to someone super.

And while the breaking news that Barbados has decided to discard the Queen may have shocked some in Blighty, it hasn’t shocked the man who saw it all coming.

“The only problem being that when Dom forecast that Barbados would become a Republic in 2010, he forget to write it down,” a Downing Street source said, “it was supposed to be included in a 200,000 word salad on how free markets could eradicate the issue of two socks going into one washing machine, but only one coming back out, based on the principles of Sun Tzu regarding staging successful ambushes of skirmishing cavalry. So he’s putting that right today, and editing the relevant blog post from 2010 to correct the historical record. Put things how they’re supposed to be, just like he did with Coronavirus.”

The correction will be reassuring to many. It would be unbecoming for such a genius to not have foreseen this event just as Britain relaunches the Commonwealth.

“It will also reassure the people of Barbados,” the source adds, “it will give them confidence that they are making the right choice, at the right time and ridding themselves of contemporary association with a country that is fast becoming a global embarrassment. I’m sure they’ve no hard feelings towards Her Majesty, but she does keep signing off those ridiculous bills into law.”

Brexit Britain – people just can’t get enough of us.

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Man tasked with making a success of Brexit privately thinks it’s shit

BLAGATHON MARATHON : A man who applied to work at the highest levels on Brexit is said to privately think it’s a shit idea.

The individual concerned is said to be a middle aged, Russian taxpayer funded “blonde stud” whose private life would be a Daily Mail front page shame festival day in and out if he’d gone to a state school.

“He’s not really sure why he wanted to work on Brexit anymore,” an imagined fly on the wall told LCD Views, “he lays awake at night worrying over his supply of claret and will there be shortages in 2021? Then he starts to sweat and panic.”

How the individual concerned ever convinced himself it was a good idea to begin with is of course the subject of speculation by colleagues.

“Delusions of grandeur most likely,” a made up aide suggested, “the delusions are there to paper over the deep cracks of insecurity in his underlying psychological strata. But they’ve been stuck on so long he’s lost sight of that. And he was naturally born with the gift of the gab. He should have been a dodgy second hand car salesman. The spotlight has exposed his inadequacies.”

But what will he do about it now? Why doesn’t he just quit?

“He’s promised so much to so many to get the job he’s in a real bind now. But the first chance he gets he’s out of there. He disproves the Peter principle though. He kept rising well past his level of incompetence.”

What should he be working on?

“Sales. That’s all. But not the actual running of the corporation. He’s like a venture capital funded CEO of an aggressive digital start up whose sole talent is selling ideas to people, but who is clearly not suited to implementing complex business plans. Now he’s just going to lose everyone an awful amount of money.”

He should have stuck to sales?

“Yes. Of horseshit.”

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School attendance figures “best in the last 6 months”, claims Priti Patel

TOP OF THE CLASS: September has seen world beating school attendance. Not At Home Secretary Priti Patel boasts that is the highest it’s been for six months.

This is evidence, she claims, that the government is both bossing the EU around and conquering covid. And this time it is all legal and above board.

No figures have been massaged. The only slight untruth is omitting the fact that schools have been effectively closed since March.

“The statistics tell a story,” claimed number crunching wonk Norm Aldis Tribution. “It can only be due to leaving the EU and taking back control of creative accountancy. This is a real success story!”

In a bid to hear more empty slogans, we Zoomed Priti Patel herself.

“It is essential that children go back to school,” she said, her eyes dead behind the prop glasses from Specsavers in Barnard Castle. “We are ramping up covid and beating the children. Or is it the other way round? And does it matter? The lazy delinquents need a short, sharp shock to bring them into line, and so do their pupils.”

We asked Patel to clarify the ‘rule of six’, given that class sizes are typically the size of a small grouse shooting party.

“Children don’t count!” she said, before she could stop herself. “I mean, they don’t really get maths, because it’s boring. They don’t get covid either, according to The Science, and if a few did manage, sadly, to pop their clogs, then that’s good because we spend too much on education anyway.”

What’s the official advice now?

“Wash your virus, save the hands, kill the NHS,” she said. “Or something. I really can’t be arsed. Use your common sense. Whatever. But it is important that you get back to work if it kills you!”

Which it probably will.

If the schools are closed down again by the time No Deal Brexit kicks in, at least there will be no shortage of starved children to send up chimneys.

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Surge in people changing name to “Dominic Cummings” as new CV-19 laws come into force

DOM DE PLUME : Town Halls across England are reporting a surge in people wishing to legally change their name today.

The rush to get a new handle appears to be related to an earlier television outing today by everyone’s favourite party entertainer, Priti Patel, who also works a side line as Home Secretary. This is in spite of having to resign in 2017 for running a secret foreign policy agenda involving attempts to redirect public money to a foreign military.

“People who meet on the street are breaking the law,” Ms Patel smiled, “unless they are going to shoot animals. It’s perfectly reasonable. What better way to remind everyone in this United Kingdom that they are entering a new era of feudal servitude than by making laws that favour the wealthy landowners more likely to vote Tory?”

But of course anyone in the UK having a passing glance at recent events will know that you don’t have to be wealthy, necessarily (although it definitely helps), to get away with breaking CV-19 restrictions in the UK. But you do need to have the right name.

“I am a little bemused personally. People could change their name to Stanley Johnson, Robert Jenrick or a cast of other Tory figures who have been relaxed about CV-19 restrictions. But I guess everyone wants to be the top dog.”

And being the top dog means there’s only one name to change yours too.

Dominic Cummings. And then you can get away with everything. From the little irregularities in the 2016 EU ref all the way through to driving to test your eye sight.

Dom de plume. Gets yours today.

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Streaming service only showing Brits punching themselves in the face goes GLOBAL

MUTANT ALGORITHM : BREXFLIX – the streaming service which only shows Brits punching themselves in the face, has gone GLOBAL.

The latest development in the runaway, you could say viral, success story aims to build on the great achievements already nailed down with the domestic audience.

“Thanks to the nature of the digital universe expats and foreign viewers have been enjoying the hilarity of Brexflix for years,” an exec at the ambitious start up told LCD Views, “and now with the expansion pack they don’t need to wait for links on social media, they can get Brexflix streamed right into their home!”

The funding for the expansion of the eye streaming service is mostly from British state aid.

“But let’s not forget our international investors! If you want to destroy the Western alliances and cripple the EU’s single market for the benefit of US vulture capitalism you need a Global alliance of the willing! Brexflix – International Law Edition shows we have investor strength in depth.”

Initially the global launch will show domestic UK production, just like the good old days.

“Now people around the world can watch British lawmakers punching themselves in the face, in real time, in parliament as they rapidly move to make themselves completely obsolete as more and more power is vested in a crazed executive. And they’re so blinded by their own tears they don’t even see themselves doing it. But you can! Every hard knuckle hitting the bridge of the nose of the mother of parliaments.”

But once the international expansion is bedded in special editions like “What’s international law got to do with it?” will allow foreign fans to get directly involved.

“The USA looks like the best prime market for internationally generated content,” the exec reveals, “imagine endless streaming of anti-mask parades by MAGA hat wearing, gun totting lunatics as the forests burn around them and the seas rise? It think it’s fair to say that Brexflix may eventually run out of content, but if Donald Trump wins again MAGAflix will see us content rich until the end of (human) time in three or four years time.”

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Government says “Rule of Six” will be enforced by grouse shooting parties patrolling streets

BRACE! BRACE! : DOWNING STREET HAS MOVED TO REASSURE BRITS THAT THEY ARE ENTERING AN ERA OF LAWLESSNESS with no effective means of law enforcement.

They are. But that does not mean they are not safe, at least in specific and limited ways.

“People do not need to panic,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “especially not wealthy, armed people. We may have shot the sheriff, and the deputy, but that’s solely in respect of representative democracy and our international reputation, by forcing Tory MPs to vote against their manifesto commitments.”

But of particular concern is the new “Rule of Six” which came into force at midnight, a comfortable six seconds after the law change was published.

“It’s clear local authorities and the police services will be spending all week reading up on what we’ve done now to Covid-19 regulations. This may make it difficult to break up the roaming gangs of CV-19 afflicted citizens who can now be found walking the length and breath of the UK searching for CV-19 tests in illegally large gatherings. But your streets will still be safe.”

The safety will be provided by vigilante gangs of wealthy landowners.

“Any peasants found to have gathered in groups larger than six, and not hunting with dogs, will be taken care of by grouse shooting parties. Grouse shooting will still be legal because grouse limit our ability to effectively control Covid-19. This is because unarmed people tend to stop and gather in appreciation of them, rather than blast the living hell out of them for fun. But it’s not beyond the wit of Viscount Bothermere and his chums to ensure poor people don’t come together in gatherings larger than six. And because shooting parties can have up to thirty members, perfectly safely with no threat of virus transmission, this gives the elite no opportunity to be outnumbered by poor people or Covid.”

Further tightening of Covid-19 restrictions are planned later in the week, after a thorough consultation of the prime minister’s donors social planners.

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It’s okay for Japan to tell us what to do as you don’t spell Japan “EU”

PUTTING THE PIGEON AMONGST THE CATS : THE UK GOVERNMENT’S TRADE negotiator SUPREMO LIZ TRUSS is expected to bring clarity to confusion regarding the world beating trade deal she recently agreed with the needy nation of Japan.

The deal itself is currently only agreed in principle, and may potentially be less favourable than the deal agreed between the EU and Japan, but it is ours. We made it. Much like a Boris Johnson bus project using empty wine crates. Almost as good as a real bus. And ours.

“They [Japanese] need our cheese,” Liz Truss is expected to remind the UK’s voters, “they’re incapable of making cheese like we do. This is probably because 70% of the population is lactose intolerant. Also, they can’t eat French cheese because everyone knows French cheese makes you surrender. British cheese makes you choose a hill and die on it.”

So far so good. But she will also set minds at rest regarding the startling detail that the UK-Japan deal gives Japanese lawmakers a surprising bagful of British sovereignty. This concerns restraint on state aid.

“Do you want auto manufacturing in the UK to collapse before or after the end of the Brexit transition period? It’s bloody obvious it needs to collapse in 2021 or there maybe a political blowback on Boris. This trade deal gets us over the line (so far as appearances go) and into complete and total anarchy in 2021. I commend it to the house.”

But just in case you are still puzzled why it’s okay to sacrifice more sovereignty to Japan than to the EU in the famous Oven Ready Brexit Deal, Liz Truss will set your mind at rest.

“It’s very basic,” she will say, “you don’t need e and u to spell Japan, now, do you?”