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Downing Street confirms post Brexit Kent passports will be burgundy

BORDERING ON INSANITY : EVERYMAN MICHAEL GOVE has appeared today to speak to lesser humans about his plans for Kent, once the Brexit transition period expires at the end of this year.

“They’re going to have a lot more sovereignty than the rest of England,” Mr Gove asserted, in what some took as a tacit admission that Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland would be leaving the UK. Along with Gibraltar. Now Kent. And presumably at some point Cornwall. Devon. Sussex. Norfolk. London. Manchester. And well, the rest of it.

“And to express the unique position of Kent in England the good people of Kent will be issued with passports,” Mr Gove continued, “this will allow the truckers to prove their eligible to dog in Kent. It’s unclear yet what the cover art will be, but I suspect it will feature parked trucks and not a horse. We are talking to the public about this right now. Interest is very high. Many would like the Kent national anthem to play when you open the passport. Like a novelty greeting card. Which makes a lot of sense.”

The consultation period over the design of the special Kent passport is expected to end on December 30th, leaving more than enough time to produce the new passports for the new year.

“I expect at some point Boris Johnson will take personal control of the design process,” Mr Gove went on, “right now he is mocking up designs with empty wine crates and kid’s paint.”

But while the cover art is still up for grabs the colour of the passports is already settled.

“Burgundy. Clearly. As anyone possessing them will have more freedom of movement than anyone without one.”

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Public blamed for pursuit of herd immunity

HERD IT ON THE GRATEVINE : BORIS JOHNSON is to intervene in the pandemic, being rashly enjoyed by the British people again, with words of advice.

It is hoped his personal intervention will bring clarity. We have received an advance copy of the final draft of the speech.

“Pretty much all year the British people have played around with this virus as if it’s not really that dangerous,” the PM is expected to say in a live, televised broadcast, “which it isn’t. Unless you all get it at once. Or you’re in an at risk group, or you’re just bloody unlucky.”

He’s right.

“This has made it very difficult for me to enjoy my time as your prime minister. Some days I feel as if I am the Cyclops desperately attempting to purchase a monocle, before departing on my autumn holidays in some sunny clime, wrapped in a golden fleece. Only to find myself marooned in a store selling contemporary sunglasses. This must stop.”

So far so food.

“For too long you have all treated this virus as if it’s simply a convenient way to loot the state’s coffers and increase the power of the executive. I can not tell you how irresponsible this is. It’s as if you all think you won’t notice the crippling impact of Brexit if you just stay sick?”

We’re really letting him down.

“I don’t want to order anyone to change their behaviour. In fact it’s almost impossible for me to believe anyone would act in the interests of other people. This is because I am incapable of such behaviour. But you simply must stop following my advice. In fact if you do not I will have to put what few remaining soldiers we have left, after a decade of ill considered austerity, onto the streets.”

All very sensible. It all makes complete sense.

“So I urge you now. I implore you. You must stop your reckless pursuit of herd immunity. I must be allowed to enjoy my time as your prime minister. This job is supposed to be fun. You are ruining it for me. I don’t want to call you all selfish. I want to call you pathetic little worms crawling about underneath Dom’s feet. But I can’t. So I won’t. By the way I am like a big, hungry caterpillar which Dom has put on an apple. This all makes sense.”

Complete and total sense.

“And I commend this speech to the house. We’re finished aren’t we? It’s my nap time. I’m not entirely sure which house I am commending this speech too. It depends who I’m shagging on any given day of the week.”

It’s hoped the broadcast will go viral. We can all feel safer now that the prime minister has given a speech.

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Schools to install hologram of Matt Hancock to deter covid-19

Staying safe in education is a tricky business during the pandemic. The DfE is taking its responsibilities unseriously as usual. The Health Secretary, whose ability to be repellent is legendary, will hold back the incoming tide alone.

Even Matt Hancock cannot guard every school in the country in person. So “Classic” Dom Cummings’ DfE snitch has revealed that a technological solution is in the pipeline.

The plan is to install a holographic version of Hancock outside every school, college and university in England. His likeness will stand, hand outstretched, to stem the incoming tide in imitation of the equally successful King Canute.

This hologram will, of course, be world beating. Development is a little way off, but Boris Johnson has promised that it will be up and running by half term. To facilitate this remarkable achievement, unspeakable amounts of public money have been bestowed upon a Tory donor.

VirtualHancock v.1 will merely hold the virus back. The hotly anticipated v.2 will announce, repeatedly, in a commanding voice. “Thou shalt not pass!” Viruses, as Dr Jacob Rees-Mogg advises, understand archaic English. They will turn away instantly, rendering the school as safe as houses. Children naturally ignore every instruction they receive, and will foolishly rush in where angels fear to tread.

“Virtual public figures are big business in the EU,” claimed modern technology expert Val Vamp. “Successful projections have been trialled, and the prototype is available on the open market.”

The unspoken question is, why not buy into the existing tech instead of spaffing vast sums on something vastly inferior that doesn’t work?

“The Brits refuse to buy from the EU,” sneered Vamp. “Some nonsense about sovereignty as usual. It’s just a combination of misplaced pride and a desire to pour our hard earned taxes into their mates’ pockets.”

Schools are not taking any chances. Many are already making effigies of Hancock for bonfire night, but will happily dangle them from the school gate instead.

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Schools definitely Covid secure even though everyone caught a cold 5mins after schools reopened

DON’T PANIC : THE GOVERNMENT HAS MOVED TODAY TO ASSUAGE CONCERNS that schools may become superspreaders of Covid-19.

“Clearly nonsense,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it just can’t happen. Every student and staff member at Eton was given a Covid-19 test on return, and the infected isolated. So it’s clear the important schools are now perfectly Covid secure.”

And while knowing that tomorrow’s leaders of England are at much less risk from catching Covid-19, and taking it home, has reassured many, there’s still some lingering doubts.

“Look children at boarding school aren’t going to take CV-19 home, are they? It’s blindingly obvious. Also the class sizes are much smaller and there’s plenty of outdoor space to utilise. This is really much ado about nothing.”

But what about state schools?

“What about them?”

Isn’t there a risk with colder weather soon here and class sizes of thirty or more that state schools will spread Covid-19 like wildfire?

“Well you can’t expect us to turn into a nanny state, except for Jacob of course, and shoulder the burden of balancing out the poor accident of birth that so many choose. We have a job of government to do. We’re getting Brexit done. And besides, we said schools are Covid secure, so they are. If you just believe hard enough anything is possible.”

What do you say to worried parents who have seen their children home with colds minutes after schools reopened? Unable to get a Covid-19 test. Watching anxiously to see if the child becomes feverish? Clearly if the common cold can spread then Covid-19 can too?

“Those parents should have spent less money on lattes when they were young and had the resources to send their children to Eton. It’s not our fault. Who do you think we are? The government?”

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Last orders or last rites? Government allows Covid-19 to decide, but only until 10pm

DO AS YOU’RE TOLD EVEN IF YOU’RE A VIRUS : DOWNING STREET has moved to talk directly to Covid-19 today, after pretending it didn’t exist anymore stopped working.

“This is a direct message for Covid-19,” a source at Downing Street told a pliant reporter, “you are to stop staying out all hours drinking and get home at a respectable hour.”

The respectable hour chosen is 10pm.

“Or just after 10pm. As it will take you a few minutes to walk home on your new host if you’ve been at your local. Clearly the journey could be longer if involving public transport or a taxi. Probably best not to use a bike as you’ll be drunk.”

The new curfew being imposed on Covid-19 is believed to be because it simply can’t infect that many drunks before 10pm.

“We’re following the science Covid,” the spokesman added, “just like Tim Martin has demanded we do.”

But whether or not the change to last orders will lead to less last rites in England isn’t yet clear.

“That’s not really the point,” our infectious disease analyst comments, “the aim is to appear to be doing something, while not really doing anything. Policy is designed after consultation with party donors. It is then pushed through a mental sieve of infectious disease expert’s advice. What comes out the other side would make a very nice sausage.”

Clearly the population will be reassured by the new measures though and act accordingly.

“It makes a lot of sense. You wouldn’t set 10pm as closing time if people could get infected in the increasingly inebriated hours before it. It’s not a case of a government that actually doesn’t care who lives or dies, but feels it needs to appear busy.”

The earlier closing time will benefit children too.

“Yes. By demanding that parents get out of the boozer by 10pm many will make it home in time to give their children a big, sloppy Covid-19 kiss goodnight.”

World beating.

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Downing Streets introduces Universal Basic Income so Boris Johnson can afford to live

SING A SONG OF SIXPENCE : BELEAGUERED multiple family man, Boris “of no fixed abode” Johnson, is said to be feeling a relief “akin to Icarus seeing the sun set early” at news that he has himself decided to introduce UBI to the UK.

The introduction of Universal Basic Income will however be means tested.

“We’ve set a floor of £150K a year on the income required to qualify to receive Universal Basic Income,” a Downing Street aide told LCD Views, “this is so the strivers don’t become disincentivised and turn into shirkers, when if they just work hard enough they could become inheritance millionaires. Just like us.”

And the generosity shown by the Prime Minister will of course have an unintended benefit for himself.

“It will make life easier for Mr Johnson,” the aide admitted, “now when he walks through his private study and out into his private garden for his midmorning nap, he won’t be worrying about counting the pennies to pay for childcare.”

Of course the top up to the prime ministerial purse will give Mr Johnson greater choice now.

“I suspect he will still continue to work casually and be a stay at home dad. Just you can never be sure what home he’ll be staying in.”

But what is the level of payment that those who qualify can expect to receive?

“What’s the average weekly wage of a live in nanny?” the aide responded, “whatever that is. Plus a little extra so a particular hardworking dad can have a cheeky bet on the horses after he’s finished shagging the nanny.”

*just because : https://owlcation.com/humanities/Curious-Origins-of-Nursery-Rhymes-Sing-a-Song-of-Sixpence#:~:text=In%20a%20highly%20original%20and%20elaborate%20interpretation%2C%20the,pay%20a%20salary%20but%20merely%20divided%20any%20spoils.

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Matt Hancock changes his name to “Spatchcock” to stop jokes about his name

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME : Hardworking shepherd of public health Matt Hancock has announced today he has changed his name by deed poll to Matt Spatchcock.

The change to a new chicken themed surname is said by aides working closely with Spatchcock to have been “the right step at the right time” and to be “following the science of surnames”.

“This is no joking matter,” one of the aides told LCD Views, “people making bawdy jokes about Spatchcock’s surname, even within cabinet, is really testing for Matt.”

While it’s believed Spatchcock has the capacity to hear upwards of 200,000 jokes a day on a cock theme, he felt being tested with masturbation themed jokes tipped him over the edge.

“It’s wave after wave of puns that has lead Matt to hit the joke circuit breaker.”

But who has profited from the change to Spatchcock?

“A well known chain of piri piri chicken restaurants are believed to have been paid for consultation on theme.”

Matt’s predecessor in the role of slowly privatising the NHS, Jeremy Hunt, is believed to have approved of Matt changing his name legally, as Mr Hunt’s name was unofficially and permanently changed by the general public.

“This way Spatchcock keeps control of the issue,” the aide added, “and most importantly it will stop anyone joking about his name now, which is what those men that died on the beaches would have wanted. And Spatchcock doesn’t do anything without consideration of them. Not even support the illegal prorogation of parliament.”

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“Ode to Joy” most popular song to play on tiny violins for Boris Johnson

A FAMILIES MAN : The stud bull of English politics, Boris ‘DNA test required’ Johnson is said to be down in the dumps.

It’s natural to assume that his melancholy state is caused by the revelation that his “Oven Ready” Brexit deal turns out to not even have had its basic ingredients harvested. Not so.

it’s also natural to leap to the conclusion that the cause of his blues is having overseen, while on holiday, a world beating response to the novel cold virus that’s killed 10’s of 1,000’s of his citizens. Don’t worry, it’s not that either. Mr Johnson is no bleeding heart.

Well it has to be the difficult decisions faced as economic meltdown approaches the country, and how to shepherd the flock and the nation’s finances. But that isn’t what is furrowing his chubby brow. It’s okay.

“It’s because he has to walk through his private office to get to his private garden,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “oh and he can’t just bugger off and start an affair to escape childcare duties this time around. It’s horrific. We should be clapping for Boris. Struggling to survive on a paltry £150K a year. It’s amazing he’s not catatonic.”

Britons certainly aren’t, faced with learning of their prime minister’s plight.

They’ve got out their violins. Really, really tiny ones. And they’ve started playing in sympathy. And the most popular song to play?

“Why Ode to Joy. Of course.”

It’s what he will be wanting as he’s finally found to be so very wanting.

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St George resigns as patron saint of England

WHEN THE SAINTS GO MARCHING IN: Saint George has resigned from his post as patron saint of England. He has packed his bag and his flag, which he is taking home to Turkey.

“I have been treated appallingly,” said the ex-saint, as he waited to be deported. “Once I was revered. Once I was untouchable. But now I’m an undesirable. Thank you Nigel Farage and the Daily Mail!”

There was a trace of bitterness in his voice as he trudged sadly towards his destiny.

“I could have stayed in the job,” he continued miserably. “But I would have been patron saint in name only. I am sick of having my name and reputation trashed by fat, angry, drunken men.”

If you’re leaving, what will happen to the dragon?

“The dragon is in government,” explained the immigrant formerly known as St George. “It’s too much for one man to handle, however mythical he may be!”

St George disclosed that a meeting with Nigel “Foghorn” Farage ended badly. “He just started raving at me, saying ‘Bog off, we’re full!’ over and over again.”

LCD Views can now reveal that Farage had an ulterior motive in offending St George. And he isn’t bothering to hide it.

“I intend to become the patron saint of the brave new world that is Brexitannia!” he thundered, at a public meeting specifically designed to flout the Rule of Six. He brandished his fag and pint in the direction of his tightly packed audience of fat, angry, drunken men. “It’s only fair after all the work I did to make Brexit happen! I slew the European dragon! Saint Nigel has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?”

“Saint Nigel! Saint Nigel!” chanted the hooligans.

St Andrew is staying put to lead a glorious crusade to Scottish independence. St Patrick is having great difficulty trying to translate the Good Friday Agreement into 3 word slogans. St David offered George a weekend hunting dragons in Snowdonia, but George wasn’t interested.

And Farage is now campaigning for the Union Flag to be known as the Union Nigel.

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Jacob Rees-mogg says Covid-19 tests should be limited to “middle aged men who still need nanny”

THE ANCIENT DANCE OF THE MEAT PUPPET : Britain’s foremost intellectual, and winner of the coveted “Most Use of Google Translate – English Phrases to Latin 2019”, Jacob Rees-mogg, has intervened to bring some old fashioned values to the furore over Covid-19 test availability.

“Fluctus calicem tea,” Mr Rees-mogg told a sleepy House of Commons chamber yesterday afternoon.

The decision to set a floor and ceiling on the issue by the inheritance millionaire, who presumably had no such trouble getting CV-19 tests, due to all the hard work he put into the accident of his birth, will soothe many a furrowed brow.

But just in case some serfs are vix auditus, Mr Rees-mogg moved to bring crystal clarity to the subject, in line with his famous interventions in the Grenfell fire disaster, and the uplifting nature of food banks (a direct result of uplifting Tory policies).

“We can’t have every soul, regardless of how able bodied they are, rushing away from tilling the soil of their lord’s manor to find out if their worthless flesh needs preservation,” the embodiment of Christian values reminded the nation’s toilers.

“With that in mind, it is of course urgent to ensure that those who the cap is doffed to are not inconvenienced by difficulty in testing. It is clear we need to ration the tests available to those who are inherently more valuable.”

Happily Mr Rees-mogg was ready with a simple criteria that could immediately be put in place.

“Only those middle aged men who still need nanny should be allocated a Covid-19 test. Or in the words of the Saviour himself, screw pauperis.”

And all the angels in Mogg’s idea of heaven did sing A-men. Because such a man is singular in nature. Gratias Deo.