THROWING THE TOYS OUT OF THE PRAM: And then putting them away tidily. New President-elect Joe Biden has a bit of tidying up to do before normal service can be resumed.
The once-hallowed Oval Office has been redecorated during the Trump tenure. The walls have been covered with childish drawings and star charts. One such piece of paper (believed by experts to be a spelling test) reads “Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV”.
There is a jar of instant coffee on a desk littered with crayons and empty Big Mac cartons. The label has been torn off, and replaced with the handwritten legend “Covfefe”.
To one side is a garish pink plastic dressing-up table, decorated with unicorns (believed to be a gift from the minders of his transatlantic cousin, Boris Johnson).There are unused tubes of make-up everywhere, and in every colour – except orange.
Biden’s henchmen are already eyeing up other possible alterations. The sign on the door will have to go, as it currently reads “Donnie’s room”.
“There is much work to do,” sighed representative Amanda Lukupto. “We believe that Trump chose the Oval Office as a playroom because it didn’t have any horrid corners to bash his little hands on. We would like to force Donald to clear up his own mess and put his own toys away, but unfortunately it looks like he will just get Rudi Guiliani to chuck a lawsuit at us instead. So it looks like the grown-ups will have to do it after all. He will lose his phone privileges for a week, though!”
That would be no bad thing, given the increasingly deranged tweets the alleged President has fired off recently. “STOP THE COUNT!” was one surplus vowel from being the most immense self-own we have yet seen.
The whole operation may take months, and be very expensive. In fact, it may prove simpler all round to lock the door (with Trump still inside) and convert the genuine White House nursery into a replica Oval Office.
