Posted on

Tory Party conference scraps ‘2020 Shoelace Tying Award’ after no MPs qualify

RIGHT FOOT FORWARD : THE VIRTUAL CONSERVATIVE PARTY CONFERENCE HAS BEEN MET WITH MORE THAN A FEW GLITCHES.

Most notable have been the frequent blue screen events in the middle of cabinet member speeches. Although some suggest that the outages may have been deliberate, in order to safeguard the mental health of the audience, and the country in general.

But one conference failure has been far from virtual and all too real.

The ‘2020 Shoelace Tying Award’ was to be a centrepiece of the conference, with MPs such as Matt Hancock and Christ Grayling favoured to seize the coveted trophy, with James Cleverly and Andrew Bridgen tipped as likely outsiders in a many horse race.

“We’ve had to cancel the award ceremony,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “which is a shame as we spent a lot of hard earned taxpayer’s money having one of Margaret Thatcher’s pumps gold plated.”

The cancelling of the ceremony will have knock on effects. While ‘the golden shoelace’ is the most coveted prize for excellence available, there were also numerous runner up prizes set to be dished out.

“I think the criteria was too tough,” the source muses, “the bar too high. We should really have set the demand at being able to just really believe you can tie your own shoelaces, alongside an ability to source them from a firm set up last week by a mate of a cabinet minister. Actual evidence of ability was clearly going to disqualify everyone from the most obscure puppet parachuted into a constituency we didn’t expect to win, all the way to giant brain PM Cummings.”

But what will take the place of the award ceremony now?

“Some have suggested an actual tutorial on shoelace tying would be appropriate. But that’s essentially treason, to suggest we’re not up to it. I think instead we’ll just move the goal posts really wide next time to ensure lessons are learned and we all still get our rewards, in spite of the failure.”

No changes planned, but business as usual then.

Posted on

World beating positivity – 16,000 Brits have weekend plans saved by missing CV-19 test results!

WHAT’S 16,000 MISSING COVID TESTS BETWEEN FRIENDS : Happy days inside megacorp Serco today with the rumour that the bigwigs will be receiving a record bonus payment for their service to the country.

“In our time of need they were there,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we only have until Brexit really bites to clear out the public coffers, and our friends in private enterprise have stepped up to the plate.”

The (make believe) decision to award the multi-national for its work will utilise the successful strategy employed so far.

“We’ll call it an NHS Bonus Payment,” the source reveals, “as misuse of such a loved national brand gives us political cover, while also eroding public trust in the brand. Neat little one two.”

What the executives receiving the bonus will do with the money isn’t yet clear. It must be difficult finding places to stash it all now.

“I would advise them to set up a firm that specialises in PPE. Put five quid on the books and get ready to be gifted a multi-million pound contract by ministerial decree. It’s nice work if you can get it!”

Experts working in public health are also keen to stress the fantastic job being done by jockey Harding and the Serco team.

“Can you imagine if those missing test results were made available in a timely fashion? It would have ruined many people’s weekend plans,” the source grinned, “but that didn’t happen. People were free to see granny and say ‘Oh, it’s just a normal cold. Otherwise they would have told me.'”

What’s 16,000 missing, positive CV-19 test results between friends?

A hell of a lot of Covid, and potentially one or two missing friends, permanently.

Disaster capitalism. It’s coming for you.

Posted on

Priti Patel marked safe from going to Hell as path is paved with good intentions

PURGEATORY PURGATORY : HOME SECRETARY PRITI PATEL has some welcome news to start the new week, after a gathering of religious scholars over the weekend.

“There is zero chance of the current Home Secretary, the Right Honourable Priti Patel, going to Hell,” the esteemed group of scholars announced, “we can categorically state that the chance of Ms Patel going to Hell, even for a long weekend in purgatory, is three hundred thousand, and thirty four, nine hundred and seventy four thousand against.”

The group statement, issued by the cross denomination panel comprised of all major religions (and one or two minor ones) will be reassuring to a minister who appears to be taking a “cruelty first” approach to designing policy.

“Ms Patel is building on the work of her predecessor in the job. Theresa May set the direction of travel with the Hostile Environment and Ms Patel is bringing an Old Testament zeal and panache to augmenting it.”

It appears not even a complete lack of basic human compassion will see Ms Patel damned.

“No one could have foreseen that not removing a politician caught running their own private foreign policy agenda from the House of Commons would end up being a bad idea,” the statement continued, throwing some cover to the prime minister.

But while the ruling by the spiritual clique will cheer Ms Patel, some are questioning how a cruelty first policy agenda can see her immortal soul to safety?

“Because the path to Hell is paved with good intentions,” the clerics provide the answer in their closing line, “and we can only find cruel intentions in the Home Secretary’s choices.”

Posted on

“You can’t expect me to know details of laws that could get you a £10K fine”, says PM

THE SPECIAL ONE : THE UNITED KINGDOM’S primed minister, Boris Johnson, has held a special news conference to bat away tricky googlies aimed at his time at the wicket during Covid-19.

“I’m having a great innings,” Mr Johnson told a pained reporter, “just the greatest innings. If you look at the time served by other prime ministers no one has been a better ally to a crisis than me.”

Something with which everyone can easily agree.

“It’s the fake news media that is to blame for the confusion regarding CV-19 laws and regulations,” he continued, “although some of it is only advisory. You have to use your common sense. You were born with common sense, weren’t you? I know I was. I have the commonest common sense of anybody. Ask anyone and they’ll tell you. That Boris, he has common common sense.”

He’s really clearing it up for everyone.

“I blame the so called journalists. Dom texts Matt the new rules just before midnight each day and Matt tweets them or writes an article behind a paywall to let everyone know. Ignorance is no defence of the law, unless you’re my dad or me.”

Fair enough. With great privilege comes great privilege. Everyone accepts that.

“You can be fined up to ten thousand pounds now if you fall foul of the constantly changing laws. We have to do this. The virus is a slippery enemy. We have to keep it off balance or it could strike anytime. This is why we have replaced policing by consent with confusion by consent. It’s an excellent strategy.”

But when pressed on the finer details of the laws, as applied to one particular street in Hull, while the road running parallel is now governed by different regulations, the PM was adamant.

“No one I know is going to be charged and fined. Why would they go to Hull? Cripes!” the PM concluded, “so why the hell would I bother myself in knowing the details of the constantly shifting CV-19 laws?”

Posted on

I’m the greatest PM ever, but the public is just too complacent, says Boris Johnson

FLOAT LIKE A BEE, STING LIKE A BUTTERFLY: I’m the greatest, claims Boris Johnson. The only reason that the country is on its knees is that the public don’t realise it yet.

“I told the public to Stay Alert,” Johnson argued. “But they didn’t do what I said, did they? No, they went back to work, started drinking in pubs again, and ate out to help out. The public just does what it likes with no consideration of the consequences.”

Unfortunately the public is so confused by the ever shifting regulations that they tend to fall back on British Common Sense. Which usually means doing what you want to.

If only, Prime Minister, you had rebuked Dominic Cummings for breaking lockdown, and fined your father for ignoring the rules.

“Yes, well, no, well, I’m a busy man,” he stammered. “Err… wiff waff, isn’t this just like the Siege of Athens, where Aeschylus dragged a Minotaur up to the gates, and Helen of Troy turned a thousand ships to stone with a single glance, and Icarus fell from the sky because aeroplanes hadn’t been invented yet?”

For a details man, some of the details are a little less than accurate there.

“I have spent ten, yes ten, long years, single handedly turning back the tide of the last Labour government!” he cried, in an attempt to get back on the front foot.

In other words, your policies have been ineffective, if Labour is still more powerful than ten years of Conservatism.

“I got Brexit done!” he insisted. “Against all the odds! My oven ready deal, which…”

Which you then voted against…

“…which did exactly what it said on the tin…”

Serving suggestion?

“…and delivered what the people want! Signed, sealed, delivered, I’m yours!” he concluded.

It still splits the UK up. Northern Ireland will effectively remain in the EU.

“You can’t make an omelette without breaking legs,” he bluffed, grasping at straws. “Or kneecaps, you know what the Paddies are like. Anyway it’s all the fault of the public, they voted for this!”

The blame game. One thing Boris Johnson is genuinely good at.

Posted on

Dominic Cummings to hold Rose Garden press conference and just laugh at SNP MP

SPAD GONNA SPAD : THE UK’S RULING UNELECTED BUREAUCRAT, Dominic Cummings, is to appear in the 10 Downing Street Rose Garden again today to hold an emergency press conference.

At the time of going to print a marquee is being set up in the garden to shelter the tyrant from the persistent rain, just in case he catches a cold. The now traditional card table and folding chair will also be present.

“Dom is not going to say anything during the press conference,” a 10 Downing Street source informs, “he won’t say a word.”

What he will do if he doesn’t talk has already become the subject of fevered speculation within the Westminster bubble, who don’t have anything better to talk about. Definitely not in depth coverage of all the glaringly obvious downsides to Brexit.

In fact one six figure salaried, senior BBC political journalist has suggested via Twitter that “he’s going to mime the entirety of Sun Tzu’s ‘The Art of War’. It will be incredibly hard to understand. A hard rain on anyone’s comprehension of the art form.”

While a perpetually confused ITV correspondent has chipped in with “even without words his disarmingly smile and loving glow will hold the country in raptured single focus”

But LCD Views is better than those much better paid amateurs and we can give you the scoop right now.

“He’s just going to laugh at the SNP MP who broke Coronavirus laws and is now being forced to resign. What a muppet. Unelected bureaucrats carrying on bureaucrating unelectedly. We don’t resign. You worms. Mwahahahaha.”

Which should make it clear to all exactly why the country is where it is with Covid-19.

Posted on

PM’s Dad makes public awareness film about CV-19 laws as he’s happy “to make an example of himself”

MAKING AN EXAMPLE OF HIMSELF : THE PRIME MINISTER’S DAD, STANLEY JOHNSON, has been chosen to front a new public health campaign aimed at heightening awareness of CV-19 restrictions.

The short film will be shot in a variety of locations in England, and on continental Europe, as Downing Street strains every sinew to keep the public informed.

“It’s important that everyone follows the law or they could be slapped with a whooping £10K fine,” a spokesman for Serco, the production company chosen to produce the film, told LCD Views, “this is why we are ramping up the public messaging. You don’t want to find yourself facing a £10K fine. Unless you’re a multi-millionaire either in the government, or closely connected to it, in which case you won’t be fined anyway. But the same can’t be said for the hoi polloi. This is part of our levelling up agenda.”

It’s believed the footage will be accompanied by an upbeat soundtrack with songs such as “My Way” and “Knockin’ On Heaven’s Door” just two of the world renowned classics that will add mood as Stanley raises your awareness.

“He’ll just be himself,” an aide to the director, Mr De’ath, told LCD Views, “he will go about day to day life and break as many restrictions as possible, and be filmed while at it. He’s really going to make an example of himself for the whole world to see.”

And get away with it.

“Don’t do as we do,” Mr De’ath added, “do as we say. It perfectly captures the guiding principle of Boris Johnson’s government.”

It’s hoped the public will help the campaign go viral.

Posted on

Priti Patel training British fish to sink the dinghies of asylum seekers

BUILDING BRIDGES EVERYWHERE : UK HOME SECRETARY PRITI PATEL is rumoured to have written to German Chancellor Angela Merkel to explain her errors in dealing with 2015’s migrant crisis.

“While Mount Etna and Mount Vesuvius are still active there is no need to treat asylum seekers like human beings,” Ms Patel is said to have instructed Mutti in the letter.

The letter was written on paper bearing the logo of the United Kingdom’s Home Office, to make sure the Chancellor understands what the UK now represents on the global stage.

“It seems reasonable to assume that if we work together we can turn the continent of Europe into a zone that is migrant free and we will all benefit. This will twin nicely with our ambition to expand the UK’s export arms industry,” the letter continues, “I personally am now training patriotic British fish to sink boats in the English Channel. I would like to cordially invite you to come and view one of the training sessions.”

The training sessions are currently being conducted in secret in a Scottish loch, although there are plans to film a session with Boris Johnson dressed as Captain Birdseye dangling treats above a pond.

What the Germans will make of the offer isn’t yet clear, although it’s believed to be one of the saner suggestions to emanate from the UK’s corridors of power recently.

“I doubt they will respond through official channels,” our German correspondent advises, “they’re too busy holding back their automotive industry with its constant demands to cave to British Brexit demands. Although more likely they, like the rest of the EU27, are waiting for Ms Patel and the rest of the cabinet to vanish through a portal and reappear as villains in a Charles Dickens story, which is where they belong.”

Posted on

Johnson puts all CV-19 rules in lucky dip box – punters to choose which rules to follow by chance

FCUK NOES WOT RULZ : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON HAS MOVED TO BRING CLARITY to the rules, laws, regulations, restrictions and confusion relating to CV-19 restrictions in England.

“He’s replacing the whole lot of them with a lucky dip box,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it’s going to upset Matt Hancock. He spends hours each day transcribing fevered voicemails left for him by Cummings into new laws. But no one cares about Matt. So that’s alright.”

The move to replace an increasingly complex set of guidelines, and legally enforceable rules, with one box of chance is thought to be a reaction to the embarrassment the Prime Minister experienced yesterday.

“That journalist who asked him about the rules in the NE needs a beating,” the source grumbled, “imagine expecting this prime minister to be able to clearly communicate anything? It’s not fair. That’s not why he is there.”

To make it properly exciting all the rules currently in force in England will be put into the boxes, which will be placed on street corners across the country.

“You simply walk up to the box when you go outside and pull out a slip of paper. The rule you have to follow will be written on it. It will bring a sense of suspense to what is a pretty dull period. You might even get lucky and pull out one of the early rules telling you to just get sick and get over it.”

But like any game of chance there will be one amazing prize to be grasped by the fortunate.

“The Barnard Castle Eye Test is the major prize. Pull that rabbit out of the hat and you get to go anywhere, sick or not.”

Posted on

Priti Patel leads mission to Mars to establish refugee camp

IN THE FROZEN DARKNESS OF HER HEART : Those wishing UK Home Secretary Priti Patel would just bugger off are to see their wish fulfilled.

The Home Office is expected to confirm rumours circulating that Ms Patel has been chosen to lead a mission to Mars.

“Not chosen, demanded it,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman said, “Dominic Raab showed her an article about the discovery of salty lakes under the Martian pole and asked her to point them out on his UK map. But Patel was so excited she could barely stand it and ran here.”

It seems Mr Raab was left open mouthed with his question unanswered (to this day) as the Home Secretary moved rapidly to cobble together a Martian mission, with the Prime Minister’s blessings.

“She’s going to scoop those terrifying people straight out of the English Channel and stuff them into the cargo hold of her new space shit. I mean, space ship,” the Downing Street source informs, “then it’s turbo boost all the way to Mars. Drill down under the polar cap. Shove the desperate people into some cages and job done. Try getting your claim for asylum processed from Mars! Ha! Global Britain! What a brand. It’s all smiles for Priti from there on in, not that you’ll notice the difference.”

But while the plan itself is clearly feasible and an extension of compassionate conservatism, some astronomers have suggested all may not go according to plan.

“Recent photos of Mars show there’s already vans driving around the poles with loudhailers shouting ‘Bog off! We’re full!’ as Nigel Farage attempts to pull off Marsxit, having failed to end FOM in Switzerland.”