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Angel of the North to be replaced by statue of Boris Johnson

CAN YOU HEAR THE ANGELS SINGING : DOWNING STREET HAS ANNOUNCED TODAY that it is really serious about levelling up the ‘North’. So serious it’s going to do something exceptionally symbolic.

“It’s to show our appreciation for the red wall voters,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “if they hadn’t believed in the Oven Ready Brexit and come over to us to GET BREXIT DONE, well, we may not be free to trade with the world. Except the EU of course. We don’t trade with them anymore.”

The symbolic gesture will surprise many, given that Prime Minister Boris Johnson has avoided gesture politics in his long career. Except for holding up a kipper, posing as a builder, driving a forklift through a pile of empty boxes, and all the other empty gestures.

“The statue itself will showcase Britain’s world beating statue building industry to the world and will be made with locally sourced materials.”

Designs for the statue, nicknamed the ‘Colossus of Wanknassus’ by the design team, are still being finalised but the elements that will be used in the construction are already known.

“The body will be of wicker, with a cavity in the centre for offerings from grateful northerners in their funny flat caps. The whole structure will be coated in iron pyrite so it really catches the light the one day a year the clouds part north of Watford. And the feet will be local clay. It’s a boom for manufacturing.”

There are plans to hold an annual festival of gratitude at the site too.

“Once a year on Brexit Day people will gather to recant the benefits of Brexit and discover who their prime minister is shagging now. It’s going to unite the country like only Boris Johnson can.”

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CERN : Scientists confirm if they can open door to parallel universe they will shove Trump through

IT’S THE HOPE THAT KILLS YOU : CERN scientists like to gamble. This is obvious by their intention to attempt to create mini blackholes in the hope of contacting a parallel universe during 2020. But like all canny fanciers of odds they also hope the gamble will pay off.

To this end they will cycle up the atom smashing Large Hadron Collider near Geneva next week and then keep their fingers crossed. Will they successfully create a black hole or won’t they?

“We better. This is the last shot to save humanity, unless the American voters can wade their way through all the fraud and electoral crime to actually vote Donald Trump out,” a CERN spokesman told LCD Views, “this is why we’re doing the experiment to open a door to a parallel universe before the US election, and not after. If we fail it will be up to you America. I’m keeping my fingers crossed.”

But if they are successful in opening a door way to another universe, what then? Aren’t they worried something may come through it?

“Well, there is some concern we maybe doing that current Twitter trend of ‘How it started…and how it’s going’. You’ve seen the film ‘Pacific Rim’? Great fun. There’s some concern giant, space lava spewing monsters may come through, but we think it’s worth the risk.”

Why?

“Because if we are able to create mini blackholes and a door to a parallel universe it will be just the opportunity we’re looking for. We’ll invite Donald Trump to hold a rally at the LHR and then shove him right through the door.”

But what will happen after that?

“We’ll close it. Jesus. We’re scientists. Not maniacs.”

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Half of all UK alcohol sales to cease Friday at midnight

YOU DON’T HAVE TO BE DRUNK TO WORK HERE BUT IT HELPS : RUMOURS ARE AFOOT, and a hand to mouth in the Westminster estate today, following the decision to ban the sale of alcohol by Speaker of the House Lyndsey A-Hoyle There!

In particular the rumours are focused on plans to stage an internal coup, lead by David “DD” Davis and Michael “Grade A” Gove.

“Once we seize control of the beer taps we will hold all the jars,” David Davis is said to have asserted, confidentially, blithely, over confidentially, perhaps drunkenly, and in complete denial of what most sentient life forms, with or without thumbs, would call reality. But that won’t dent David’s confidence.

The move to ensure that the flow of alcohol remains seamless, while the UK transitions through the pandemic, will also help with the ongoing internal negotiations with the “North”.

“We have to ensure Dominic ‘Doom Bar’ Raab stays well oiled if he’s to bludgeon the upstart Mayor of Manchester in the ongoing negotiations. We’ll be giving Dom yard glasses of warm ale, telling him how macho he looks and then with a slap on the butt he’ll be going to Manchester swinging! Burnham won’t know what hit him. Especially if Raab is carrying CV-19 asymptomatically. Which given the way Jacob Rees-bogg’s is managing the Commons is increasingly likely.”

But potentially the real benefit of ensuring consistent supply of alcohol to the Commons is the risk of an improvement in overall governance if MPs are forced to make decisions sober.

“There’s the real risk of a dangerous precedent being set,” Davis has warned his fellow saboteurs, “if we sober up for a day we maybe forced to confront the reality that we are really, really shit at government. And that’s a red line I’m not personally prepared to cross.”

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Downing Street confirms the Office of Prime Minister has been outsourced to Serco

No 10 SERCO STREET : A Downing Street source has confirmed rumours today that the Office of the Prime Minister has been outsourced to multinational test and trace giant Serco. In. Its. Entirety.

“It happened on the 13th December 2019,” the source explains, “the morning after Boris Johnson’s famous “Oven Ready” general election win. Boris was still sleeping off the election night party at his Russian mate’s pad. Someone had to run the country. It was an unprecedented crisis.”

But it seems it was a crisis averted as the corporate stepped forward to offer to take the contract to be prime minister on without tender.

“But it’s incorrect to say it’s just Serco, there’s a drop down menu of various corporation supplying consultants and experts. It explains why the country is rapidly becoming the ghastly, ungoverned shower that you see in the headlines. The profits are huge. But just pay attention to the news cycle and feel immobilised with rage.”

The confirmation does at least make sense of the waste and mismanagement, as is common when the British state privatises services it should do itself, solely in the public interest.

“It really is the peak of trickle down economics,” the source adds, “the money these businesses are taking consulting on how to run the UK will not just trickle, but flood to a variety of bank accounts in low tax regimes. It’s essentially a massive work of international aid development, depending on how you look at it. Especially for chaps that write company names on letterboxes on tropical islands.”

But while the outsourcing itself is uncontroversial, some are quibbling over the lack of penalty and break clauses in massive contracts won without tender.

“They’ll stop asking that once they realise their Serco Social Score is liable to worsen if they don’t shut up. And whatever you do, when you next vote, ensure it’s a postal vote being handled by a mate of the governing Conservatives.”

Plans are also in place to outsource the opposition parties in the UK to private actors.

“It will provide strong and stable government,” the source finishes, “and not the sort of chaos we would have experienced under Ed Milliband. This is why Serco has rehired both David Cameron and Boris Johnson as consultants.”

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Nigel Farage to cut ribbon to open first port-a-loo by Kent roadside

ET TU PORT-A-LOO : BRITAIN’S MOST FAMOUS PATRIOT, NIGEL FARAGE, HAS BEEN GIFTED A REWARD FOR HIS TIRELESS SERVICE TO IRISH RE-UNIFICATION AND SCOTTISH, WELSH AND CORNISH INDEPENDENCE.

“It’s only fitting that a man who sung famous, patriotic songs in his youth should now see himself in his middle years standing next to a portable toilet,” a spokesman for the committee responsible told LCD Views.

And while some long faces have begun asking who has the contract for the miles of port-a-loos to be installed in Kent, Cummings or a former aide to Liz Truss, or even Robert Jenrick? Any right thinking person has their mind focused on Nigel and the opening ceremony.

“There ceremony will showcase modern Britain to the world,” the spokesman continued, “a giant toilet rapidly filling up with all variety of crap. And we did it all ourselves. This is total national sovereignty in action.”

And it’s not just the cutting of the ribbon that is rousing enthusiasm, other prominent promoters of Brexit will be honoured too.

“The toilets will be named after those who have done the most to bring about Brexit,” the spokesman enthused, “you may choose to lose a stool in David Davis, Jacob Rees-mogg or wave your Johnson low in the Johnson. The options are endless.”

Corporate sponsorship will also be sought for what will be eye-catching installations.

“Imagine crapping in a Dyson? It’s not just Brexiters that will come running. That opportunity will see remainers happy to use the port-a-loos too. A unifying experience.”

We wish Nigel well for the ceremony, planned for January 1st 2021. We only ask that the first toilet to be opened be called the Jacob Rees-bogg.

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Covid-19 accused of not following the science

WE’VE HAD ENOUGH OF EXPERTS: Health Secretary Matt Hancock has blasted covid-19 for not behaving in the correct manner. It has continued to infect people, despite the government’s best efforts to restrict its progress by opening pubs, shelling out huge amounts of money on ancient spreadsheets, and flouting its own regulations.

The post of Health Secretary is a poisoned chalice at the best of times. And Hancock perseveres knowing full well that Boris Johnson is the one who poisoned it.

Johnson himself is caught in his own web. Like covid, he had failed to follow The Science, which advised a short, sharp lockdown to control the spread of the virus and identify sufferers. Now Labour is suggesting he does precisely that. So Johnson must choose between proving himself an uncaring liar, or agreeing with Keir Starmer.

Devil? Deep blue sea? Nobody knows which way Johnson will go. Except everyone knows he will never agree with Starmer on principle. Johnson is quite possibly contemplating the disappearing act performed by runty little no-Mark Francois.

What does covid have to say about all this? Nothing, that’s what, and the silence speaks volumes. It’s a damning indictment, in that it refuses to defend its indefensible behaviour. However a couple of rogue viruses were discovered in a car, having travelled from London to Barnard Castle, despite The Science telling them that it was safer to go to the pub.

“I was only testing my eyesight,” claimed the first virus, slightly shiftily.

“Blimey! A talking virus!” responded its partner.

So that’s completely clear.

The publicity this event has generated has led to a second wave of viral infections. Meanwhile The Science is being changed like a nappy, and waiting for the next load of bullshit and a painful rash.

We have reached an amber light at tier 2 level 4 where R is more or less than 1, which means stay home, stay safe, check, change, reboot. Or not, if you don’t want to. Stay alert.

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Cummings to oversee psychological evaluation of Tory cabinet to ensure stable emotional age

IT’S MY TOY GIVE IT : THE UK’S UNELECTED RULER, DOMINIC CUMMINGS, HAS MOVED TO ENSURE STRONG AND STABLE GOVERNMENT IN A TIME OF ENDURING CRISIS.

To do this he needs data, of course, and data he will have.

“The actual data will be the psychological profiles of all the incels in the current cabinet,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “in particular the focus will be on the emotional age of the cabinet members.”

It’s believed a stable emotional age is key to guaranteeing the continuation of a policy platform that has so far seen Global Britain triumph during the Covid-19 crisis in the areas of outsourcing and PPE procurement, while other countries have floundered.

“Some are a little critical that Dom is leading on this, partially because of how busy he is bullying ministers through his SPADS, but also because Dido has got some time on her hands. Now that she’s fixed the test and trace service and palmed it over to some guy who used to be a grocer.”

But lead Dom will do, as he was born to do, especially in the area of avoidance of council tax.

“There could be a reshuffle once the study is complete, as predicted in one of Dom’s 2014 blogs, which he will revise tomorrow to prove it.”

The main criteria will be the emotional age of the subjects.

“Anyone who is older emotionally than Dom and Boris is out,” the source reveals, “which means you will continue to see government by spoiled toddlers, regardless of the physical age of the anointed.”

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Tim Martin to replace SAGE in order to avoid second national lockdown

LOCK-IN IS THE ORDER : WORLD LEADER Boris Johnson requires the best advice if he is ever going to wrestle that invisible CV-19 mugger to the floor.

And while some so called scientists appear to be handwringing over the sheer testicular effort needed to do the required wrestling, not our BoRiS. He’s total balls. If only he could find them. It must be the fault of the girly swots, unmanning a hitherto unstoppable lothario of sound governance.

So to ensure Johnson makes the right moves at the right time he’s made a significant change to SAGE today.

“Whitty thought he was so funny, constantly handwringing and worrying about mortality rates,” a 10 Downing Street adviser told LCD Views, “how is anyone going to have a good time with that stick in the mud around? How is Johnson supposed to enjoy being PM if people keep boring him with detail? And don’t even mention exponential to us. Exponential contracts awarded to mates of Tory MPs is the only runaway number we’re worried about.”

If you can’t make hay while the Covid shines when can you? Well, Brexit will certainly see a need for contracts for completely unforeseen calamities dished out too. But that’s for tomorrow. Today is viral.

“And today is the time to act. So Whitty and the other long faces are out of SAGE,” the advisor beams, “and Tim Martin is in! There’s no surer way of avoiding the harm a second national lockdown will bring except by turning the whole of the U.K. into a Wetherspoons lock in. We’ll even be issuing the new Covid-19 advice on beer mats from here on in. Get in!”

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Dominic Cummings to spend day editing 1992 blog predicting win for Biden in 2020 US election

HINDSIGHT IS 2020 : BRITAIN’S RULER AND FAMOUS SUPERFORECASTER, DOMINIC CUMMINGS, has announced he is to spend the day predicting the future, from the past.

The announcement was made via an update to a 2014 blog about regulatory standards in hydraulic lift manufacturing, as viewed through the window of ‘The Book of Kells’ and how the wisdom inherent in the ancient texts determines the best speed of fluid intake and outflow.

The 1992 blog which he will ‘update’ today will allow Mr Cummings to predict Joe Biden’s electoral win the November 2020 US presidential campaign.

“It’s not so much a blog,” one of our historians reveals, “as a page in the diary he was keeping back in 1992. Before his unexplained years in post-Soviet Russia. But a blog by any other name is still a blog, isn’t it? I’m sure we can find the answer to that in the 2011 blog he will update next week.”

The motivation for the latest edit to his entirely reliable writings is believed to give Tory MPs the upper hand as they seek to forge links with the potential Biden administration, after weeks of trashing the same on social media.

“Joe will be deeply flattered to know that Dominic was already focused on his potential at a time when most where looking elsewhere,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “but just like the progress of Brexit trade talks and the viral pandemic currently going at tantric speeds in the UK, Dom saw it all coming.”

And so long as it remains possible to go back and edit a blog post he will have predicted it.

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Boris Johnson to retire from politics and focus on flogging “Oven Ready” chicken dinners

USE YOUR TALENTS WISELY : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has made a surprise announcement today. He is to step down from front line politics and promote chicken dinners.

The announcement was made at the start of a press conference to publicise the much trailed new restrictions on the activities of subjects in the ‘North’, in response to Covid-19.

“Like Theseus in a KFC, but without his famous spool of wool, I have at times felt lost in a maze of poultry. Bereft. Confused. Wondering what would Churchill do?” the outgoing prime minister began, “but no more! As Alexander the Great, that famous fancier of secret herbs and spices once said, give me a bucket! An oven ready bucket of frozen Boris Johnson brand chicken!”

At this point the temporary prime minister pulled out a brown paper bag from under the podium.

“In time the bag will have branding, but for today I will entrust the great British public to use their imagination.”

Next the blonde buffoon rummaged about in the bag and eventually produced a vacuum sealed package of what appeared to be fried chicken. And was.

“Boris Johnson’s Famous Oven Ready Chicken Dinners!” the big baby bounced about, “so finger licking good you’ll think you’ve been to a technology lesson!”

Smirk. Cast about for applause.

“Boris Johnson’s Famous Oven Ready Chicken Dinners! Because chlorine is a food group!”

From there on the speech became less coherent. Especially when he eventually reached the part about tightening of Covid-19 restrictions in the “North”, or “The Harrying 2.0”, as the new nest of policies has been named.

“And don’t worry if our bungling of the Covid-19 response means you can’t leave your home in Manchester to go to the supermarket. Boris Johnson’s Oven Ready Chicken Dinners will come to you! Just as soon as I work out a distribution network. I’ll get Dido to run it. Now remember. Stay Home. Stay Alert. Go Out. Put a Boris Johnson Oven Ready Chicken Dinner in the oven.”

It’s what Churchill would do in a pandemic. Isn’t it?