Posted on

Two pricks for the price of one : Tory MPs increase public trust in Covid-19 vaccine by lying about it

JOB IN HAND : Matt Hancock is a striver. Matt Hancock is a trier. Matt Hancock is a real man.

“I don’t look back at explosions,” Matt Hancock reportedly told himself late last night, after another successful day tarnishing a good thing with Brexit.

And the explosion yesterday was the announcement that the UK is first to approve the Pfizer Covid-19 vaccine for use.

“It was Brexit what did it,” Matt told the world early yesterday, even though Brexit had nothing to do with the approval.

“It would be fair to say Brexit influenced the speed of approval,” our Brexit expert suggests, “because it’s going to potentially be a lot bloody harder to import this German product, developed by Turkish immigrants, and to be produced across the EU, into the UK if we crash out of the CU and SM at midnight on December 31st.”

But clearly given Brexit is likely to make even fighting the plague harder, government ministers had to take immediate action to alleviate this risk.

“By lying about it.”

Which of course is total Brexit.

“Rees-mogg got in on the act with Mogg too,” our expert continues, “saying that it was only because we have left the EU that we could so speedily approve the use of the vaccine.”

Thereafter the usual cast of idiots chorused the lies in the hope of establishing it.

“Tory MPs lying is just business as usual these days,” our expert notes, “which is a funny way to run a country, unless your aim is to run it into the ground. But it’s a shame that it has to even muddy the water around CV-19.”

What Matt Hancock will say to himself in the mirror this morning is uncertain, given that after he and his mates spent the entire day lying about the regulatory approval of the Pfizer vaccine, Boris Johnson declined to join them at it.

That’s probably the biggest shock of the day. He’s normally the epicentre of any life doing the rounds each day.

“At least this will boost public trust in the vaccine,” our correspondent adds, “now that the usual Tory muppets have spent the day lying about it, the rebuttals to their nonsense will exponentially increase public understanding about the vaccine and its development.”

Posted on

A Scotch egg will be a substantial meal after Brexit, claims George Eustice

THERE WILL BE ADEQUATE FOOD: And plenty of it. And clean drinking water. Ish.

Environment Secretary George Eustice thinks that a Scotch egg will be a substantial meal come the end of the Transition Period. Unfortunately, he is probably right, as our frictionless trade will continue, held up only slightly by a very small mountain of red tape. It has left him with egg on his face.

While hungry Brits wait in the pubs for their fish to arrive from Iceland, and their chips to make it from Ireland, the only part of their meal remaining will be the Scotch egg. Therefore, Eustice argues, as the only component of the meal it is, by definition, substantial.

To reinforce his argument, the expected rampant inflation will mean that the price of a Scotch egg becomes substantial. A week’s wages for a breadcrumb-covered delicacy? Yes, and we will be thankful. Expect them to appear on the menu at the Festival of Brexit, alongside British Fish.

Scottish independence will come to matter in time. When independence happens, Scotland will surely insist, under regional branding regulations, that the only Scotch egg worthy of the name must be made in Scotland, and must proudly bear the Saltire.

Other hard boiled egg products with sausage meat casings will be available, but they must be called “Scottish-style sausage meat coated egg portions” instead.

Pubs will of course be open. Unless they are closed. Unless they are in a Tier 1 region. Unless The Rules change again, and lots more illusory Tiers appear. But there won’t be any food to serve, because it will all be stuck on the back of a lorry in Kent. Unless you are in Kent, and the bored lorry drivers have set up their own pub to cook the food on their lorries before it goes off.

But this is precisely what every Leave voter voted for, as we know.

And what will Eustice’s response to the inevitable complaints be? Let them eat Scotch eggs.

Posted on

Celebrity Special – Philip Green chosen to front CV-19 vaccine campaign “Top Shot”

WHEN ONLY THE BIGGEST PRICK WILL DO : MATT HANCOCK IS TO TAKE TO THE PODIUM LATER TODAY TO ANNOUNCE A WORLD BEATING BRITISH FIRST IN THE FIGHT AGAINST COVID-19.

However, the latest twist in the Covid-19 tale in the UK, the looming vaccine, is certain to cause some concerns in certain demographics.

“The vaccine uptake maybe especially low in groups like ‘Friends of serving Tory ministers’,” an aide to the Health Secretary told LCD Views, “it’s easy to imagine many in a group like that discouraging vaccine uptake out of concerns it will stop raining money daily in exchange for dodgy, or often on-existent PPE. Well, presumably they’ll pay for the vaccine privately the moment it is administered. But saying one thing and doing another is a modern Conservative trait. So…”

So moves are being taken to encourage the public to get pricked.

“To this end we are enlisting celebrities to help us convince the British public that not dying alone in isolation in intensive care after weeks spent struggling to breathe is actually a good thing.”

But what celebrities will feature?

“The winners of the business world are likely to have the greatest cut through, especially with aspiring owners of major department stores. So we’ve enlisted Philip Green. When he’s not on his yacht in Monaco that is.”

The world (and pension fund) beating billionaire will be part of the initial launch of the campaign.

“Top Shot is the favoured handle of the persuasive campaign,” the aide suggests, “And Mr Green will go around the country being a complete prick, just like the needles that will distribute the vaccine.”

Will he have any special training to do this?

“Clearly that’s not needed. Just look at his business career. Being a big prick comes naturally.”

Posted on

Downing Street confirms Boris Johnson metaphor counts as “substantial meal” if spoken in a pub

INDIGESTIBLE WORD SALADS : WITH LOCKDOWN 2.0 ENDING TODAY THE GREAT BRITISH PUBLIC IS UNDERSTANDABLY CONCERNED TO UNDERSTAND THE NEW TIER SYSTEM WHICH FOLLOWS.

“Clearly the most important aspect is to keep Tim Martin happy, not what the public understands. Actually the less they understand the better,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “which is why the major feature is how to get people back into a Wetherspoons, and non-branded pubs, so they survive long enough to be bought out of administration and converted to Wetherspoons next year.”

To this end you will be allowed to drink in pubs again from tomorrow, but only if you do so with a standard Wetherspoons accompaniment of a food like substance.

But for those worried about piling on even more pounds on top of the lockdown weight, there’s a calorific exception.

“Knowledge is the food of the soul, so you don’t necessarily have to have a couple of scotch eggs with your pint of warm bitter, no matter what Michael Gove says.”

Apparently the other option is something you can bring along yourself.

“You can speak a Boris Johnson metaphor instead of order food,” the aide confirms, “and if you can’t recall any because you’ve repressed the knowledge out of self preservation, you can use an app to produce one on the spot.”

The app is being developed by a sub-contractor, sub-contracted by a sub-sub-contractor, who is sub-contracted to a company set up last week with £5 in it.

“The app will be really easy to use. You simply select the historical period of your choosing for Mr Johnson to misunderstand, choose which classical language you want mixed in and then whether or not you want your first pet’s name or your favourite type of Farrow and Ball paint added to the mix. The app will provide a bespoke Johnson word salad on the spot.”

It will be no use to anyone in terms of clarifying the challenges we face as a nation, but at least it’ll allow you to stay and get pissed.

Posted on

PPE – Downing Street to hold award ceremony for biggest PPE contract winners

PLASTIC PATRIOTS ENRICHED : Downing Street has announced another world beating British first in the fight to prolong Covid-19 today with the decision to hold an award ceremony for the holders of PPE contracts.

“Everyone who believes they’re qualified for the PPE’s needs to Whatsapp Matt Hancock immediately,” a 10 Downing Street aide told LCD Views, “or mention it to Boris Johnson over lunch.”

The PPE’s will celebrate the biggest achievers in the receipt of non-tender process, no penalty clause PPE contracts.

“It will be an aspirational day which will inspire a new generation of British youngsters to become friends with Tory Party ministers. You never know when duty calls? Maybe when you’re running an insolvent paper cup factory? Maybe when you’ve recently stood down as a councillor and you’re at a lose end? There’s no end of opportunity if you have the right phone numbers saved in your smart phone. You just then have to wait for disaster to call.”

The award categories will be Gold, Silver and Bronze and set the standard for recognition of the ability to get rich quick from the public purse.

“There is discussions currently about whether or not to make the actual day of the ceremony a public holiday?” the aide mused, “I’m in favour of it. Like Covid, it will better help disguise the complete economic car crash looming in 2021 with Brexit.”

The hanging of bunting on the day will be encouraged and to be sure it’s patriotic it must be plastic.

“I’ve got a friend who can supply as much plastic bunting as you need? He’s currently staring at the closed shutters of his replica marble factory that’s just gone into administration…”

Posted on

Georgian Manor building boom announced so all PPE contract winners can buy one

PILE ‘EM HIGH AND SELL ‘EM CHEAP : THE PEOPLE’S PANDEMIC, BORIS JOHNSON, IS SET TO THRILL THE CONSTRUCTION INDUSTRY WITH THE ANNOUNCEMENT TODAY OF A GEORGIAN MANOR BUILDING BOOM.

The boost to the building sector comes as demand for classic 18th century, stately homes has surged in recent months, following the handling out of untendered PPE contracts to people who once met Matt Hancock.

“We’ll be flying in the required craftsmen and tradespeople from the continent on special charter flights,” a Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “all native talent is currently pouring concrete in Kent. But that won’t stop us getting Manor building done!”

The properties will be constructed on the sweeping fields of farms that will be bankrupted with Brexit.

“Those farmers are dust now anyway. At least by watching a stately pile rapidly rising over their humble dwelling they’ll know their land won’t go to waste. And who knows, maybe they can rent an acre on it to grow their own food, as in the good old days. Although imported American chlorine soaked in antibiotics and hormones will plainly be the more economical alternative.”

But critics have been quick to point out that the boom will only really benefit people who’ve landed plum PPE contracts throughout the course of the tantric Covid-19 pandemic.

“That’s short sighted. The way we’ve handled Covid-19 is just a dress rehearsal for Brexit. There’s going to be stumbling blocks, shortages and flaring disasters all over once we finish the transition period. You want to get down to the boozer of a Tory MP today and rub shoulders. You never know your luck in the big city, or the small hamlet.”

PPE contracts – you’ve got to be in it to win it!

Posted on

Wearing Union Jack pants to be made compulsory from 1 January 2021

FUR COAT BUT NO KNICKERS: Union Jack branding is the latest government exercise in reviving our flagging sovereignty. Every man, woman and child of true blue British origin will be obliged to wear patriotic pants, or else be deported to Ascension Island.

Dress For Britain! is the latest three word slogan. Companies unconnected to the rag trade, but not unconnected to Tory party donors, will produce the jingoistic underwear.

“Going commando will not be an option,” explained Mandatory Patriotism Minister, Budgie Smugglers. “Unless our loyal subjects wish to have their nether regions tattooed in red, white and blue. I’ll run that one up the flagpole.”

Who could possibly object?

“Nobody, that’s the beauty of the scheme,” replied a clearly excited Smugglers. “But just in case, we are employing an extra 20,000 enforcement officers. The Proudly Patriotic Pants Police will perform spot checks to ensure that everyone has spotless pants.”

Won’t this eliminate the element of personal choice, so beloved of the free-market right wing?

“Not at all,” said Smugglers. “There’s always a choice. Wear the pants, or if you hate the country that much you can just leave. It makes getting dressed more efficient. There will be no more prevaricating over what to wear, just slip on your patriotic polyester and away you go!”

There are other advantages.

“It’s very easy to see at a glance whether somebody is following the regulations,” said Smugglers with a patronising note in his voice. “Anyone taking pride in their country will instantly drop ‘em for a strange man in the street, I know I would!”

There are those who are a bit shy about showing their smalls to a complete stranger.

“Clearly traitors, or, even worse, remoaners,” said Smugglers. “It’s a bit of cheeky fun, isn’t it? Give us a quick flash, have a giggle, and go, it’s just like being in a British seaside postcard!”

And if all else fails, just act the superhero and wear your pants outside your trousers.

Posted on

Boris Johnson orders ENGLISH CHANNEL dyed in the colours of the Union Jack

SEEING IS DECEIVING : World King Boris Johnson, and zero hours British Prime Minister, has taken a bold step today to securing British sovereignty against the unceasing attacks from Brussels.

He has ordered that the English Channel be dyed in the colours of the Union Jack, and all other British territorial waters to be similarly coloured.

The move is expected to make it clear to illegal fishing vessels operating out of lesser countries where they can and can not fish. It is also expected to ruin the retirement plans of Junker, who is said to be spending a lot of time fishing, which is another tangible benefit of Brexit.

“It will make it much easier to see which fish are traitors too,” a spokesman for the Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food told LCD Views, “it will make extraditing them from France much easier after Brexit. Now the intangible nature of Britishness enjoyed by ARE FISH will be stained into their very scales just by swimming in the pure waters of Britannia. Sovereignty is Fishy. That’s the slogan.”

The method chosen to dye the waters is also said to be very personal to the prime minister.

“We’ll be using his water paints,” the spokesman said, “it’s meant we’ve had to give a mate of Matt Hancock’s a contract to supply the PM with £252m worth of new water paints. It’s a good thing he texted.”

There will be a televised ceremony to mark the dying of British waters too.

“John Redwood and Nigel Farage will dress in sack cloths and sail out to the extent of British waters off Dover. There they will sing Elgar while Priti Patel paints the water personally. It’s going to bring the entire country back together.”

Questions over what will happen to the paint have not been addressed. Specifically, if it will just flow away on the waters like sovereignty after Brexit?

“This is Brexit. It’s the one thing about which we only do personal cost benefit analysis, dependent on our financial portfolios. Now run along and learn the songs for the big day or you’ll be last in the line for the food queues come January.”

Posted on

Boris Johnson says he’s gonna build a wall around Manchester and “Andy Burnham will pay for it!”

SEE NO EVIL SPEAK NO EVIL HEAR A LOT OF EVIL : THE PEOPLE’S PRIME MINISTER, BORIS JOHNSON, HAS ENDED THIS WEEK AS HE DOES MOST, WITH THE ANNOUNCEMENT OF A BOLD BUILDING PROJECT.

But it’s not a bridge he’s suggesting, or a rocket ship, no this week he has taken a leaf out of Donald Trump’s scat smeared colouring book and decided he’s going to build a wall.

“Just the greatest wall! Not many people know this, but no one in England has ever built a wall around a city before. And let me tell you folks you’re going to be amazed. So amazed. People all over the world will be talking about my wall. Just the greatest wall. So big. So Mancunian!”

The choice of Manchester for the wall is obvious, as they tend to vote Labour.

“We can’t have little Andy Burnham sneaking out of Manchester and spreading his dangerous ideas about supporting working people forced into endless isolation and penury by my WORLD BEATING management of Covid-19. They should have got a PPE contract! All the smartest people have PPE contracts! LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP! LOCK HIM UP!”

To assist with the PR campaign to convince the country that the wall around Manchester is necessary there will be a merchandising campaign, with stockpiles of MAGA hats flown over from the dusty warehouses they now rot in in the USA.

“And I know what you’re going to ask next. I know it. I have the greatest brain. Everybody can see it. I make buses out of empty wine crates. I ride forklifts through boxes. I hide in fridges! I’m a LEADER. OF. MEN. And I know how we’re going to pay for the wall around Manchester and keep areas with significantly higher COVID-19 infection rates safe from the crazy people who live there.”

Pause to allow suspense.

“We’re going to build a wall! And LITTLE ANDY BURNHAM is going to PAY FOR IT.”

At least that’s the plan, but it’s likely to backfire, like everything Johnson does since becoming the people’s prime minister.

Posted on

Kent to become the largest recipient of UK Gov overseas aid in 2021

LOOKING AFTER ARE OWN : A LEAKED WHITEHALL MEMO IS IN THE NEWS TODAY, as they are so often.

The subject of today’s memo is forecasting for the overseas aid spending in 2021, and even with the cut announced this week from 0.7 of the national budget to 0.5, there’s still some surprising winners.

“The memo discusses the need to look after are own,” our Westminster correspondent reports, “and the needy are very close to home.”

But it’s not hungry school children or public sector workers surviving on the breadline who are the focus.

“The main concern seems to be the likelihood of a unilateral declaration of independence by the newly created Kingdom of Kent. It’s believed a right Cnut, already a prominent local figure, will rise to lead the new nation and take it away from the rest of England.

“The aid spend will be aimed to offset the worst case scenario of Kent seeking to join France, once it is completely fed up with lorry queues so big they’re seen from space, and of course the overflowing portaloos that will make large swathes of Kent uninhabitable, once flooding spreads the trucker shit across the lowlands.”

How the aid money will be spent specifically isn’t discussed, but the implication is it will be used to “support” Tory MPs in resisting the push for independence.

“The first crisis will come once the Kent Access Permits come into force on January 1st. There’s likely to be large scale revolt at the sudden erection of a border in England. And this will lead to a psychological shift. Although it’s not all bad news if secession occurs. It’s understood Priti Patel is likely to return permanently to her stronghold in Essex and wage a war to seize the crown of the new Kingdom across the border, with her banner of the flayed man flying high above her semi-detached home and the screams of the captured echoing forever through the halls of her fortress. This will free up Boris Johnson to appoint a new Home Secretary that better reflects his obvious liberal tendencies.”