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Parallel universe demands its Piers Morgan back

The year 2020 has had a lot of strange goings-on and it would be hard to pick the strangest. Between the COVID-19 pandemic and the American presidential elections, there’s been no shortage of newsworthy events.

But one of the oddest has to be connected with one of the people who brings us the news, namely Piers Morgan. All year long, people who have always hated him have suddenly found themselves agreeing with him and giving him the thumbs-up.

It turns out there’s a reason after all. It’s not the same Piers Morgan, but a duplicate from a parallel universe.

This only came to light when a communication came through from that other universe, who have, unfortunately for them, acquired ours.

The Piers Morgan currently residing in our universe was quick to explain:
“I’m not quite certain how it happened, but one minute everything is normal and the next I was here, with a different history. I looked up my own history in this universe and was frankly shocked at what an arsecockle I was here.”

In the universe where this Piers Morgan came from, the last few years happened very differently.

It started when the Scots voted narrowly for independence in 2014, but made a complete mess of trade deals with the UK and EU. Because of this the Brexit referendum was a landslide victory for Remain, Jeremy Corbyn is the prime minister who ended austerity and saved the NHS, and Hillary Clinton is America’s first female president, and according to recent communications from that other universe, both Britain and America are handling the pandemic a lot better than here, with only 341 COVID-related deaths in Britain and 937 in America.

Apparently the scientists and politicians in the other universe (who work very well together for the common good) twigged that something was wrong when Piers Morgan started championing Boris Johnson, who in their universe had been recognised as someone not to be trusted with power and never became prime minister. Scientists studied Morgan’s brain and found something that didn’t match.

And now they want to swap Piers Morgans with us to restore the status quo. They say they have found out how it happened and are willing (even desperate) to give us back ours. Something to do with the light of a full moon reflecting off the International Space Station and hitting a mirror at precisely 42 degrees.

I think we’d do well to decline the offer. I for one can say the only way I’d like any kind of Status Quo restored is if they’re willing to send us Rick Parfitt.

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“KFC chicken shortage was dry run for Brexit in January” – Downing Street

DON’T PANIC : DOWNING STREET HAS MOVED TO REASSURE GLOBAL BRITONS OVER THEIR GLOBAL FUTURE IN THE NEW YEAR BY CONFIRMING THEY HAVE DONE MORE REAL WORLD PLANNING THAN SEEMS APPARENT.

“It doesn’t matter what deal we get with the EU, we are ready for whatever we do to you,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we’ve war gamed war against the British people and in each scenario we were victorious.”

While some of the details of the preparations undertaken by Downing Street remain secret, the government has decided to let a few cats out of the bag to reassure us.

“The choice of a floodplain for the Kent lorry park was deliberate. We’re testing how well we do under strain. To this end the park will be potentially dry and ready for straining truckers in the new year, sometime. And clearly our policy of discouraging hauliers from even visiting the UK in 2021 will make wet or dry in Kent irrelevant.”

But it’s not just managing demand in 2021 from outsiders, our great and farsighted leaders are also ready to manage expectations at home.

“Remember the great KFC chicken shortage of a few years back? The emergency services overwhelmed by furious and confused Britons demanding to know where the chicken was? That was on purpose. Now we know how to handle supply lines crises.”

And happily the solution is tried and tested.

“We’ll just keep saying Blitz Spirit! And everyone will know exactly how to handle whatever temporary inconveniences arise out of the unreasonable attitude of foreigners to Brexit.”

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BREAKING : Michael Gove applies for political asylum in Brussels

HOUSE SLYTHERING : BREAKING NEWS TODAY THAT ONE OF THE LEADING LIGHTS OF BRITISH POLITICAL PANTOMINE, MICHAEL GOVE, HAS APPLIED FOR POLITICAL ASYLUM IN BRUSSELS.

It was expected that Mr Gove would travel into the lion’s den today in order to further confuse the Brexit negotiations, but it took everyone by surprise when he immediately applied for diplomatic protection.

“It is potentially an exceptionally good move on the part of Boris Johnson,” our Westminster correspondent muses, “he presumably tipped Gove over the edge by asking him to go to Brussels in the first place. And now that’s one less knife hovering at his back. Only several hundred remain now waiting for the moment of political assassination.”

Whether or not the EU will grant Gove’s request isn’t clear, with many expressing surprise that he has applied for the asylum in Brussels and not Amsterdam.

“It will make trying him at the Hague easier?” one official mused to us on the condition of anonymity, “as once the UK exits the transition period at the end of December and tears up all its ties to the EU, we can revoke the diplomatic protection and put Gove on trial. I say Hague, it maybe Nuremberg where he is tried.”

But some are concerned that Gove is not genuine in his application and has actually been sent over to Brussels to destroy its outrageous unity v UK, but from the inside.

“This is why he is being held right now in a secure facility,” our correspondent notes, “at the bottom of a well with just enough shade to keep out of direct sunlight, with the walls of the well above head height composed entirely of garlic, silver and some butter. This is to help with the cooking should he accidentally step into the light.”

Other leading Brexiters are expected to head to Brussels and claim asylum before the year is out, much in the way that regime insiders always flee before the final collapse, leaving only the diehards at the end attempting to decide, revolver or cyanide, or both?

Brexit, you do have to crazy to work in it, and no, that doesn’t help.

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Scotch eggs to replace turkey and trimmings this Christmas

A SUBSTANTIAL MEAL: Scotch eggs are for Christmas, not for life, it seems. Under new austerity no deal brexit rules, turkey and all the trimmings will this year be replaced by a Scotch egg.

Those rubbishing the news have been silenced. It’s as though their mouths have been sealed with Scotch Tape.

Red tape is bad enough, but the Scotch variety comes in a bewildering choice of tartan. This makes the etiquette of choosing the correct tape to silence anyone with Scottish ancestry an absolute nightmare.

So the bland, dry turkey is out. Instead you will get a bland, dry, pub snack. It’s ok, you say, until you realise that there are no trimmings, nothing.

“It’s enough to feed a family of six,” explained Gluttony Minister Oliver Nutherhelping. “The Rule of Six states that a single Scotch egg contains sufficient nourishment for six people for a whole day. We are following The Science,” he concluded, tucking into another portion of SAGE and onion stuffing.

But won’t there be uproar? The Great British Public want, nay, demand sprouts on their plates on this one special day. No sprouts, and there will be rioting.

“Let me scotch that rumour,” replied Nutherhelping through a mouthful of Yorkshire pudding and gravy. “Nobody actually likes sprouts. Besides, Scotch egg is perfectly substantial, even adequate.”

Potatoes? Pigs in blankets? Cranberry sauce?

“Grow your own,” said Nutherhelping, munching a large piece of steak with several onion rings. “It’s not our responsibility to feed the people. How hard can it be?”

It will be slim pickings. Even slimmer than the premise of this article.

“Obesity is putting a strain on the NHS,” remarked Nutherhelping, now working his way through a whole Christmas pudding covered with cream, custard, and brandy butter. “No, I don’t think I’ll have the waffer thin mint, thank you very much!”

The only remaining difficulty is, will an independent Scotland let us have their eggs? Wait and see what sort of deal Boris Johnson can do.

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Boris Johnson breaks Brexit deadlock by giving French fishermen PPE contract

TAKING PERSONAL CONTROL : THERE ARE FEARS IN THE FRENCH HIGH COMMAND TODAY THAT BORIS JOHNSON HAS COMPLETELY OUTMANOEUVRED THEM AT THE 11TH HOUR IN THE BREXIT TALKS.

The PANIC centres on the future of their fishing fleet and the inability to get the better of the bold seafaring Brits.

“We thought Britain no longer ruled the waves,” an aide to President Macron told LCD Views, off the record, “but it seems they just can not be beaten. It is the end of the fishing industry in France. We are all shellshocked.”

The exact strategy Mr Johnson has used to scupper the French appears to be inspired by his usual way of solving problems, largely caused by himself.

“He’s given them all an untendered PPE contract and Matt Hancock’s private phone number so they can Whatsapp him to arrange it,” the aide said, looking ashen, “how are we supposed to compete with that? If Macron makes any move to block them taking the penalty clause free windfalls they’re be riots like we haven’t seen in France since yesterday.”

The payments to the French fishermen are believed to come with a cherry on top too, as all will be backdated to the moment the French and English crowns separated in the Medieval period, and the fishing wars began.

“We are going to have to buy all the English fish now,” the aide said, “it’s going to bankrupt us. Now that the UK is free to take whatever it wants from BRITISH WATERS. They’ll have so much to sell we won’t be able to keep up. If only we could just raid our public finances to staunch the wounds we create ourselves, like Mr Johnson.”

Exactly how much PPE will be supplied by the retired French fishermen isn’t clear.

“It’s not part of the deal. It’s just a direct cash transfer in the billions right into their bank accounts. And they’re getting paid in Euros too, so the money is still worth something next year. What a genius is Mr Johnson. Talk about having your hake and eating it.”

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Boris Johnson to sit in chair at flooded Kent lorry park and command floodwaters recede

TOTAL CNUT : THE UK’S FAITH IN ITS BOLD AND VISIONARY LEADER, BORIS JOHNSON, IS SET TO RAMP UP EVEN MORE TODAY WITH THE PLAN BY WORLD KING BORIS JOHNSON TO VISIT THE FLOODED KENT LORRY PARK (CONSTRUCTION SITE).

The action will be ruthlessly voiced over by Andrew Marr, with Laura Kuenssberg faithfully tweeting the action as it unfolds.

The show of faith is expected to send a stark warning to the EU that the time for playing games is over. They must buckle and accept British hegemony or they’ll be responsible for the inability of Brexit MPs to not build an emergency lorry holding facility on a floodplain.

“Boris loves his classical references,” a Downing Street aide told LCD Views, “and he loves dressing up. So today will be very special for him. He’ll get to dress up and act out a famous historical scene! He’s just giddy at the moment. He barely slept a wink. Right now he’s running about the corridors excitedly like a cocker spaniel chasing a bitch in heat. Although to be fair, that’s a fairly common occurrence most days.”

What the floodwaters will do faced with Mr Johnson going total Cnut isn’t yet clear, but it’s understood they are likely to do as he bids.

“Cnut wasn’t able to stop the tide rising,” the aide notes, “but he didn’t have enough self belief. The waters will tremble before Boris, although some may mistake that for the furious activity of emergency pumps attempting to drain the site before all the concrete washes away.”

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Nigel Farage to patrol the flooded lorry parks for migrant boats

WHERE THERE’S AN ILL WILL, THERE’S A WAY: Brexit nonentity and professional rentagobshite Nigel Farage is to create more faux outrage. He is to patrol the new, underwater lorry parks in Kent to ensure that fuzzy footage of dinghies of alleged migrants reach social media.

He has adopted the title of “Clandestine Flooded Lorry Park Threat Commander”. There will not be a child playing in oversized Kentish puddles who will escape the vigilance of Captain Foghorn.

In a nice twist, the concrete wastelands which colloquially bear his name will receive his undivided attention. Expect a barrage of Farage Garage miscarriage of justice stories.

It is expected that inflatable rafts containing desperate asylum seekers will be drawn, inexorably, towards Farage. Like bees to a sweet flower, or flies to Mr Turd of Turd Hall, unfortunates from abroad are attracted to Nige.

Or maybe he loves these poor people so much, that it is actually he that is drawn to them.

“This is a total disaster!” thundered the man himself, to anyone who was willing to listen. “The government is entirely to blame. They are doing Brexit all wrong, and now the entire south-east is under water! I am personally increasing my vigilance so that nobody not dressed in a tweed suit will make land without my knowing about it!”

He took a deep drag on his Capstan Full Strength (Post-Brexit special issue), and coughed, patriotically. “The fags are a perfect defence against diseases carried by the filthy covid-riddled migrants,” he explained.

Farage paused to salute a flotilla of Great British Fish, which swam past in perfect formation, their Union Jack coloured dorsal fins breaking the surface. “Keep the flag flying, my inedible beauties!” he called, puffing out his chest.

He pulled his phone from his pocket and took a picture. “There’s a sad old man in Wokingham Asylum who loves fish pictures!” he said, pressing Send. “John Redwood, this one’s for you.”

With that he resumed his lonely vigil. Make Britain great Again!

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“English schools can teach WW2 in history for the first time. Thanks to Brexit.” – Gavin Williamson

A* FOR FALLING UPWARDS : THE UK’S EDUCATION MONOLITH, GAVIN WILLIAMSON, HAS GIVEN EVERYONE AN ABRUPT LESSON TODAY IN THE HITHERTO UNSPOKEN BENEFITS OF BREXIT.

“It shows the tangible benefits of promoting loyalists to dubious political projects to cabinet positions, regardless of their verifiable quality, based purely on their allegiance to Brexit,” our Education Matters specialist says.

And education is all about Gavin.

“Remember how he was sacked for leaking secrets? Once that would have ended a political career. Not in Boris Johnson’s cabinet of all the tzars.”

And Gavin is showing the wisdom of resurrection as England begins its bold and visionary future freed of the constraints of having friends in Europe.

“For the first time English schools can now teach students about WW2,” Mr Williamson told the gathered press. “This is a little understood historical period in England. With my new directives I am to further that.”

But before critics suggest there is more to history than a global conflict in which the powers of fascism were defeated by an international coalition, Gavin has a ready retort.

“I’m not going to start speculating on what maybe achieved, potentially, by the incoming US Biden/Harris administration.”

But it won’t only be WW2 in the curriculum.

“There will be WW1 too. And the Queen and how to make Union Jack bunting.”

But what about those who suggest that potentially, the way in which the flagshaggers obsess about WW2, misrepresent many of the aspects and exclude historical debate aimed at better understanding import passages of our history, risks missing the lessons of the conflicts.

“That’s too long a sentence,” Mr Williamson replied, before adding, “I’ve got a spider. It’s how I got promoted.”

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Tiers and beers – Wetherspoons beer mats are “substantial meals” says Downing Street

TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A MEATY MAT : GREAT NEWS for patriotic publican Tim Martin today with the confirmation by government that his beer mats count as a substantial meal if “consumed as a main”.

“It follows on from their use for years now as a clear and precise source of public information about Brexit,” a Department of Health aide told LCD Views, “when you hold one there is so much to chew over. The only real issue is whether they’re better with red or brown sauce? Or perhaps an English aioli? I mean, a bucket of sawdust for throwing on the floor when you vomit them back up.”

To capitalise on the regulatory win it’s understood that Mr Martin is in his lab personally cooking up a range of new flavours.

“Christmas themes will likely feature heavily. Turkey mostly, the voting variety. Brussels sprouts – well, English shoots, there the ones with a picture of a pistol and a foot on them. And sovereignty flavour. Eat as many of those as you can stuff in. And if you have trouble swallowing one of those Mr Martin will personally come to your table in full hazmat and force it down you like a foi gras goose.”

Of course it’s not just the mats you can order as a main.

“We don’t have any scotch eggs. We’re letting the gastropubs, and their imitators deal in them. But you will be able to order urinal cakes. Any square of any carpet in any of our establishments as a main. But maybe it’ll be better to save those to enjoy like a cheese and cracker board after the beer mat and urinal cake. If you get one of the carpet squares near a corner table they taste just like cheddar.”

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“Two world wars, one World Cup and one German CV-19 vaccine!” – famous chant updated

POSSESSION IS 9/10 OF THE LAW : THE UK’S GOVERNMENT IS WORLD BEATING, THAT MUCH IS WELL ESTABLISHED, IT’S JUST NOT ALWAYS CLEAR WHAT IT’S WORLD BEATING AT. AT LEAST IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING POSITIVE.

Epic amounts of bullshit is one clear field, even before epic bullshitter Boris Johnson took the highest office.

Viewed from that angle it’s hardly surprising the UK government chose to celebrate the licensing for use of the Pfizer CV-19 vaccine by immediately lying about it.

It got them attention. It even got them fact checked by the BBC, and some would suggest since 2016 (and the BBC’s attitude to lying Tory/Brexiter politicians) that’s a big achievement.

“We need to celebrate yesterday’s achievements by the US/German pharmaceutical company and its German-Turkish scientists,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “which is why we immediately started lying about it. Appropriating someone else’s product or achievement and presenting it as your own is classic Tory politics.”

And to bed in the public perception as the UK leading the fight against CV-19 a gold standard in nationalism is to be updated.

“Boris Johnson may have drawn back from affirming the lies of his foot soldiers about the vaccine at yesterday’s press conference. Presumably because JVT was standing next to him and had told him he would immediately vanish if he did it.”

But away from the bright glare of the press work was able to continue unabated.

“But that didn’t mean he wasn’t busy. And later last night he got out his arts and crafts supplies. Those famous empty wine crates and the little pots of paints, and did his best to capitalise on the lies.

“He constructed a new national chant. He built a bus from his wine crates and painted a new lie across it,” our insider says, “Two World Wars, One World Cup and German CV-19 vaccine! Get used to chanting it!”