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Ebenezer Scrooge appointed Minister for Feeding Poor Children

LET THEM EAT HUMBUG: Ebenezer Scrooge, the infamous fictional miser, is the new Minister for Feeding Poor Children. Free school meals will not be extended to cover the Christmas holidays. The depths this Dickensian government is willing to plumb just get deeper and deeper.

It would have been a popular move to provide meals for the poorest children in society. It would have been cheaper than a bogus PPE contract, or even protecting the Manchester economy. But no. Presumably because it’s socialism.

The excuses given were as creative as the decision was mean. Feeding the poor is nationalisation, for example. Work that one out. Also, the last Labour government didn’t do it. Which can only mean that the tail of Tony Blair is wagging Boris Johnson’s dog.

It’s Dilyn we feel sorry for, as well as the starving children.

We all know how this one will play out. Scrooge will be visited by the ghost of Bob Marley, whose music he will detest. Then an unholy trinity of time travelling spirits, possibly in a blue box, who will show him the error of his ways. The conclusion will be awarding Marcus Rashford MBE (Make Britain Eat) with another gong.

With Boris Johnson as his boss, though, the contract for delivering world beating Christmas dinners will be awarded to Serco. The £12bn contract will be fulfilled, with the first Christmas dinners to be delivered, promptly, in April.

The dinners will be oven ready, of course. They will consist of a few over-boiled sprouts, a small roast potato, and a sliver of chlorinated turkey. Each will include a rather uplifting homily by Jacob Rees-Mogg.

Rashford will be promoted to Ambassador from the People’s Republic of Manchester to Whatever’s Left of the UK. Scrooge will repent at leisure, comforted by a massive payoff.

And the children? Let them eat Sovereignty.

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“If we feed hungry kids we’ll have an oversupply of professional footballers” – Tory MPs

LESS IS MORE : THE GOVERNING CONSERVATIVE PARTY OF THE UNITED KINGDOM made a bold mark yesterday against the avalanche of snowflakery that threatens to undermine the character of the country’s deprived children.

They did this by voting down a motion from the opposition calling for them to feed children. Never has the moral character of the government been more tested than when faced with the gaunt and hungry faces of innocents who could do with a square meal.

“We had to make a stand,” Tory peer Lord Bastard of Bastard on Bastard told LCD Views, “you feed a starving child one day and he’ll just be back with the begging bowl the next. We didn’t spend the last ten years inflicting austerity unnecessarily on the country just to have to feed the poor children. They need to go out and find a proper job. It’s not our fault they chose their accident of birth so poorly.”

Exactly what work the hungry beggars should do isn’t entirely clear, as the job boom to come from Brexit doesn’t properly kick off until next year. Fruit picking, racketeering and so on.

“If they’ve got the nous to lift themselves out of poverty than they’ll club together and form a PPE company. Or they could be a Test and Trace consultant for seven grand a day. Perhaps a customs agent?” Bastard suggests.

“Don’t be a nurse though. Bugger all money in it.”

Clearly the options are plentiful and the need to avoid a life long dependency on food must be considered.

“You can imagine how rum it will get if we feed them a Christmas dinner?” Bastard finishes, “and if we keep feeding them through their schooling? They maybe able to focus on their studies or chosen sport. We could end up with an oversupply of professional footballers in the country.”

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Government to turn The North into a lorry park

IT’S GRIM OOP NORTH: The North’s attempt to acquire public funds for Tier 3 compensation has backfired. This attempt to apply taxpayers’ money for the benefit of taxpayers has enraged a government intent on embezzling it. In retaliation, The North will become one great big lorry park.

This will solve a number of knotty problems. Troublesome Manchester will finally be obliterated, there will be plenty of parking while goods await movement through ports like Liverpool, Hull and Newcastle, and nobody will ever have to eat black pudding again.

This will also benefit Scotland, as The North will form a concrete border with England, and make it that much easier for them to rejoin the EU.

It will also create jobs for all the northerners, who, sadly, will have to make way. Still, a bad job is better than no job, and the government will spend many millions on a campaign informing the hordes of the great unwashed, homeless, flat ‘at, flat vowels brigade, just how lucky they are.

The great cities and the stunning northern countryside will be flattened, and covered with layer upon layer of cheap concrete. That’s what levelling up means.

The motorways will still exist. When a consignment of avocados finally gets through the mountains of customs forms, transit permits, and blue passport controls, there will be no time to lose. Avocado Priority Lanes on the M1 and M6 will ensure that the delicacies will arrive in London by lunchtime, ready to be smashed by trendy hipsters.

Nobody will mention that the avocados will by then have ripened, matured, passed their sell-by date, and rotted away, while stuck in a lorry, waiting for world beating frictionless trade to be invented.

No downsides, just a considerable upside. Trade will still happen. London will still be ok. And nobody will ever have to put up with a northern accent again.

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Boris Johnson promises Andy Burnham an extra £43m if he builds the Garden Bridge

NEVER GIVE UP ON YOUR DREAMS : Embattled alleged internationalist kleptocratic clique stooge Boris Johnson has held out an olive branch to the “King in the North”.

While the negotiations over funding for Manchester appear to be going as well as Mr Johnson having all his families over for dinner, Mr Johnson has nevertheless pulled a trump card out of his genius hole.

“He’s offering Burnham an additional £43m for Manchester,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but there’s strings attached. The money is ring fenced and can’t be spent on Covid-19 related issues.”

What the money can be spent on is in theory a secret, but our reliable source has let the cat out of the bag.

“He’s going to give it to Burnham but only if he promises to spend it planning a Garden Bridge over the River Tame. It’s close enough to Thames in spelling that it’s completely confused Dominic Raab. But that’s standard. It has however given Mr Johnson a way to fulfil his dream of building a garden bridge. And of course it will unite the country and restore belief in Boris Johnson’s make believe government.”

The bridge will be championed by credulous celebrities and ALL the money spent on designing it.

“Clearly the scheme doesn’t actually need to come to fulfilment,” the source shrugs, “like everything the government does it’s a neat way of getting money into the pockets of our chums. Public outcomes are unimportant.”

What Mr Burnham will do with the offer isn’t clear.

He’s waiting for it to be leaked to the MSM news channels, like all government decisions these days, and then for someone else to run over and tell him about it. He will react after that.

Strong and stable government. Not chaos under Ed Miliband. Get Bridge Building Done.

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Manchester’s Andy Burnham secures £108m of covid funding after promising to supply PPE

NO QUESTIONS ASKED: Manchester’s suddenly famous mayor, Andy Burnham, has found a way past the UK’s intransigence. Instead of accepting Boris Johnson’s final offer of £60m, he has set up a dormant company and offered to supply PPE.

Within minutes the deal was sealed. No deal proved better than a bad deal, since none of the £108 will go towards PPE. Instead it will alleviate the worst effects of the Manchester lockdown. It’s an instant double your money move.

Other prominent Mancunian leaders are now contemplating pulling the same stunt. One enterprising soul is proposing to run a better Track & Trace system, in return for £12bn. Of this, a more up-to-date version of Excel and a temp to input data will be spent. A few pounds on advertising and bingo! Manchester will be quids in.

Burnham’s genius lies in the naming of his off-the-shelf company. Enterprise Ferries & Fisheries Ltd was such obviously Brexity bait that the big fish in the Department of Health swallowed it, hook line and sinker.

The Financial Director (Burnham) informed the CEO (also Burnham) that the money had appeared via an unspecified route. The Sales Director (Burnham as well) instantly resigned to spend more time with his responsibilities.

It’s not much in the bigger scheme of things, but it’s a start. At just under £40 per person in the region, it should just about cover a meal for everyone in the pub before they are all forced to close again.

Ten days of fractious discussions has led us to the point where both sides allege that the other walked away first. It fills the nation with great hope. Nobody comes out of the situation looking good. Instead, the hope is that, by walking out of Brexit discussions, the EU will look as petty and vindictive as the UK. That should stop Keir Starmer invoking Article 49 for an instant return to the EU, when he takes over shortly after Johnson’s government does a collective bunk with the money next January.

Bring on the winter of our discontent!

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Downing Street tells Manchester – “A bad deal is better than no deal”

NO PM IS BETTER THAN A BAD PM : DOWNING STREET is continuing to multi-task this week as the negotiations with Manchester continue over funding for Covid-19 restrictions, even as it shouts and stamps its little feet at Brussels.

Rumours suggest that Michel Barnier is being called in to negotiate with Andy Burnham, but he will not be available until later this week. In the interim Boris Johnson has taken “personal control” of the crisis.

“That explains why it’s a crisis,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “why the talks have collapsed. Mr Johnson got involved. Mind you, Dominic Cummings wanted to use an e-bomb on the city and return it to the 18th century, so the fact that negotiations continued is actually a success by the prime minister.”

It’s believed the most compelling argument the people’s prime minister will make is that “a bad deal is better than no deal”. Whether or not this will convince Andy Burnham to do a half arsed lockdown on the cheap purely to suit the pennypinching instincts of Tory politicians faced with a predominately Labour area is anyone’s guess.

“It’s really just a disaster of Andy Burnham’s making,” the source added, “if he thought to set up a shell company last week and stick £5 in it he could have secured a contract worth hundreds of millions for make believe PPE.”

But allies close to the embattled PM have suggested he should tread carefully, as “the north remembers”, just not those areas that voted Tory last December, who seem to have completely wiped the 1980’s from their collective memory. Much to their detriment and everyone else’s, whether they voted Tory or not.

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Manchester to turn the M60 into a wall and make London pay for it

PLAYING POLITICS: The row between Manchester mayor Andy Burnham and Crime Minister Boris Johnson has escalated. There is no common ground between London control freakery and Manchester independence. So the Northern Powerhouse has decided to go it alone.

“Mexit” brings challenges. The economy is modern and vibrant, even if The South still thinks it’s ‘something to do with cotton’. But there must be a border. So there will be a wall along the line of the M60 – the M25 of the North – and Burnham has insisted that London must pay.

This is a response to the covid outbreak, although as Government figures have been cooked more often than school cabbage, it’s difficult to be sure. Manchester has decided to take back control of its borders, laws, and viruses. So long as its main imports of black pudding and Manchester United fans are maintained, it should be notoriously rainy sunlit uplands all the way.

Manchester’s main exports – jangly guitar bands and Coronation Street – are quite sufficient to keep the new city state solvent. The new M60 wall should be no barrier. Indeed in these lockdown-happy times, it might be a positive advantage. There should be no need to reignite the ancient feud with Liverpool over trade, football, and impenetrable regional accents.

So if you pronounce “day” as “dare”, and “dare” as “durr”, and you can distinguish your barmcakes from your oven-bottoms, you’re in. Anyone making jokes about “Personchester”, or talking in a silly voice at the mention of Eccles, will be larrupped on the bonce, escorted to the border, and put on the first train back to London.

Soon there won’t be much of Brexit Britain left. Northern Ireland will go, Scotland will go, Wales is closing its border, Kent has been ceded to the EU. If Manchester goes, it is likely that Liverpool, Leeds, Birmingham and others will leave too. That will show the world that Global Britain means business!

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Track and Trace consultant in “stable condition” after hearing phrase “no such thing as a free lunch”

NICE WORK IF YOU CAN GET IT : LCD Views has learned this evening that a consultant working on the Serco Track and Trace system has been rushed to A&E after hearing a common phrase for the first time.

It’s believed the individual was busy counting their money after another day’s hard consulting when they heard the phrase “there’s no such thing as a free lunch”, and was injured.

“The consultant is said to be in a stable condition at an inner London private hospital and is expected to receive a personal visit from the prime minister later this evening,” a spokesman for Serco Track and Trace told LCD Views.

“Although they have requested that Boris Johnson wears a mask during the visit, preferably a full biohazard suit, keeps his distance and does not attempt to shake hands,” the spokesman continued, “they may not be very good at setting up something as basic as a test and trace service for an infectious disease, but you don’t get over seven thousand pounds a day to consult if you’re a complete idiot.”

When pushed for details of how a common saying could have injured the consultant the spokesman shrugged.

“As I understand it they broke a rib laughing, split their sides, fell over and rolled about the floor howling. No such thing as a free lunch when you’re on seven thousand pounds a day with seemingly zero expectation of any output but transferring public cash to your bank account? That’s a free lunch mate. Be in no doubt about it.”

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Bishop John Sentamu denied House of Lords seat after being informed that there wasn’t space for him to move diagonally

BASHING THE BISHOP: The Upper House is becoming a Crowded House, after being stuffed with ardent Brexiters and members of Boris Johnson’s family. There was so little space that Bishop John Sentamu was denied the traditional life peerage awarded to a retired Archbishop. The reason given was that a Bishop requires space to move diagonally.

This conveniently ignores the fact that the House of Lords is full of Knights, each of whom can only move two steps forward and one sideways at a time. There is also a contingent of old Queens, who can mince in any direction they choose.

The government hastily cobbled together a press release, to head off charges of racism and cronyism. It stated: “Bishop Sentamu will have to be patient until the chequerboard black and white tiled flooring is complete.”

It’s hard to tell whether this makes matters better or worse.

Campaigners are trying to make Bishop Sentamu a pawn in a much bigger game. This is blatant racism, they say, and in making the Lords a practically all-white chamber they only succeed in blackening its name.

There are few shades of grey here. This is a black-and-white issue. Tradition has been broken, as with former Speaker John Bercow. In both cases, men of integrity have been denied a traditional privilege. There is a common thread here: both men are named John.

Johnson good, John bad. Little brother Jo Johnson is secure, rubbing shoulders with other non-entities whose former seat on the backbenches was always going to be the peak of their career.

After all, you don’t hear too many cries of “Johnson out!” Unless you happen to be Jennifer Arcuri, on the receiving end of avalanches of passion, and hearing Bonking Boris’ traditional mating cry.

So the Bishop will have to wait. The whole affair looks like ending in a stalemate.

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Mark Francois discovered hiding up his own backside

MISSING IN ACTION: Little Mark Francois, everyone’s favourite pocket-sized tinpot general, rentagobshite, and sometime MP for the nether regions of Essex, has finally been discovered. His absence was viewed with relief in some quarters, but fears for his safety finally prompted a search.

ReMarkably, Francois was found to be hiding up his own backside. Medical experts and quacks from around the world described his condition as being unstable and contradictory, which is actually quite normal for Essex.

The condition has been given a Latinate name: Smuggus Intolerablia. The only known cure is a large dose of humility.

By purest coincidence, Francois disappeared from public view as soon as allegations of rape were made against an unnamed Tory MP. It can’t be Francois, as he has most certainly been named.

“There’s not a lot we can do,” admitted Doctor Hedda Parse. “Humility is beyond the budget of the NHS. The only option left to us is to take one end each, and pull.”

We wondered if the unfortunate Francois would, in future, be known as SkidMark.

“I think that’s almost inevitable,” Dr Parse said, sadly. “These incidents are rare, but not unheard-of, and some kind of staining is bound to occur.”

He will be a Mark-ed man. The operation was about to begin, so everyone donned out-of-date PPE, crossed their fingers, and took their positions.

“On your Marks!” called Dr Parse, as the pullers struggled to get a handhold on some portion of Little SkidMark. “And take the weight… hold him steady… now, on my Mark.. Pull!”

But it was to no avail. Gently the pullers pulled, but Francois retreated ever further up his own fundament.

“Confronting a sufferer with the reality of the situation often makes the double down,” said Dr Parse. “Or double up, in this case.”

They tried, again and again, before admitting defeat.

“It’s no use,” said Dr Parse. “We’re going to need a bigger arsehole.”