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Tory Party releases “Papp” – the app that allows donors to win PPE contracts anywhere anytime

CONTAINS IN APP ADVERTISING : THE GOVERNING CONSERVATIVE PARTY HAS ANNOUNCED TODAY A MAJOR NEW DIGITAL BREAKTHROUGH IN THE FIGHT TO GRAB PUBLIC CASH.

“Papp”.

“Papp uses the same world beating software that was used to develop the gold standard ‘Matt the App’ for the Health Secretary,” a 10 Downing Street source enthused, “Only it’s now ramped up to get app making done.”

Papp will only be available to Conservative Party donors and friends of cabinet minister, giving it an exclusivity to die for in the fight against CV-19.

“Users who download Papp will be able to bid for PPE contracts wherever they are. Be they wandering the halls of their mansion, in their third or fourth home, in a chauffeur driven limo, anywhere they have an internet or mobile connection.”

And what’s even better is the nudge theory used in the app will prompt users to bid for PPE contracts again and again.

“Regular users will get prompts as they go about their day encouraging people to pretend there is not a pandemic,” the source continues, “they maybe nodding along to a tabloid headline about how there’s nothing to fear if you’re poor and get Covid, and up will pop Papp to remind them it’s time to set up another shell company and grab a PPE contract.”

There will be a series of levels for users, but even infrequent players will easily be able to grab a £108m contract to supply rubber gloves at £50 a glove to the NHS.”

Papp is never dull, and with its exciting range of icons based on WW2, users will be back to win untendered contracts again and again.

“If there’s a penny left in the public purse there’s a reason to open Papp.”

And it’s not just ministers that are enthusing over Papp. The Disaster Capitalists Guild has named Papp it’s app of 2020.

Get get Papp today, don’t let the smears put you off!

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Downing Street announces 2am to 2:15am curfew to crush second Covid wave

IT DOESN’T TAKE A SUPERFORECASTER : DOWNING STREET is high in the international league tables for CV-19 response and with the brains trust firmly in command it is looking to stay there.

“We are looking to ramp up our world beating reputation. This will coincide with the totally unprecedented second wave, which no one forecast when we reopened the entire country at once. As the wave breaks across this green and pleasant, concreted land we will keep our place internationally,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and to ensure that only care homes, and not the NHS, are overwhelmed, we are bringing in new measures to slow the spread and control the virus.”

The new measures will involve restrictions that have not yet been employed in the UK, as so far the Dido Harding Serco Test and Trace system has kept the UK virtually free of Coronavirus. And all at a steal.

“For the first time we will bring in a curfew which will put paid to the gloomsayers who query if we are doing everything we can to keep pubs open just to stop Tim Martin phoning Johnson up at midnight and boring him to tears for hours.”

The curfew will be specifically targeted to hit Covid-19 at the time of its peak activity, as determined by Dominic Cummings’ understanding of the virus, as viewed from a perspective of Sun Tzu.

“2am to 2:15am is when the virus really lets rip. Well not in Global Britain. Not today. Or tonight,” the source adds, “every minute is vital in the fight against this invisible mugger loose on our streets again. But with the 15min circuit breaker, which will be in force from the 31st of November this year, we will send Covid-19 packing!”

*curfew does not apply to Barnard Castle. Any of Robert Jenrick’s homes. Wherever Stanley Johnson happens to be. And anywhere where Boris Johnson is cosplaying as a pleb.

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Boris Johnson requests friends undertake two weeks of health screens so they can go to Mustique

LIARLAND PARADISE : BORIS JOHNSON has his finger on the pulses today of his closest friends as he sets out to imitate a Kardashian trendsetter.

“I’m not sure how he can afford to do it on his budget?” a close friend allegedly told LCD Views, “paying Carrie Symonds lookalikes for Downing Street photo ops is an expensive business. And that’s before he shells out for poop bags for the Dylin lookalikes. I can’t believe he can’t claim that shit on expenses. It’s a scandal.”

But tightened belt or not the people’s prime minister is looking to take a selection of friends away for a dose of normalcy during tiring times.

“You know what they say, all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. The same goes for Boris and Al and whatever other names he uses. A break on an island is just the ticket. Get some normal life back. Bunga bunga parties. Shaking off security details to meet with mysterious Russians. Lots of bouncy blondes. And all paid for by some friendly billionaires.”

And to show he hasn’t lost his sense of play Mr Johnson is believed to have come up with a catchy name for the getaway.

“Will of the People Island Holiday. Get Holidaying Done. Phrases like that. Everyone will know what they’re in for even before they arrive on Mustique.”

But what about friends who fail the medical test?

“How? You saw how Coronavirus ripped through Johnson and the cabinet. It’s not possible to fail the test even if the result is positive.”

But how will the coterie travel to Mustique? Private Jet?

“Yes. But to start the adventure they’ll all be picked up by a big red bus. When you see the big red Boris bus you know you’re being taken for a ride.”

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School dinners to be served at Kent Lorry Park after children finish their shift

CONCRETE DOESN’T POUR ITSELF YOU KNOW : Great news for the UK’s untapped child workforce today. The government has decided to kill two birds with one stone.

Starting from the beginning of the new school term in Southeast England, next week, children too hungry to study will have an opportunity to work to eat.

“Work to eat, that’s the slogan,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it’s pointless wasting precious state financial assets educating children who will be vital cogs in the workforce from January 2021. And with so many complaining of hunger because their parents spent all their benefits on a whole galaxy of multi-colored uppers, downers, screamers, and laughers* this new scheme will give them the chance to feel what a full belly feels like.”

A full belly after a day of self-esteem boosting work.

“The scheme will be centred on the Kent lorry parks that are currently under construction. And let me tell you, we need labour. Child, teenager, adult, retiree, it doesn’t matter, if you’ve one good hand and a one working foot, partial vision, or even none at all, your government believes you are good to work. Good to work to eat.”

The ‘Work to Eat’ scheme does tailor itself to children’s needs in more ways than food.

“We all know no child of working age wants to go to bed. Work to eat takes advantage of this by forcing children to work the night shifts. As the sun rises each day they will be shunted into the mess tent and get a full plate of gruel. Clearly as we haven’t yet reached the Winter Solstice the breakfasts will be later each morning until late December. This will only add to the anticipation.”

But the vital, and timely scheme has drawn some fire from Northern MPs.

“What about the North? We weren’t duped into standing for election for Boris Johnson on a raft of clearly bogus promises just to see our own children denied the opportunity to pour concrete in Kent.”

To counter this potential uprising a Downing Street source released the following statement,

“What about the North? We don’t need you again until 2024.”

*Name the book the list of drugs is from and you won’t win a prize!

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Maintain social distancing when hunting and foraging – Covid rules updated for the poor

DO YOU LIKE MAMMOTH : Downing Street is set to issue up to date Coronavirus rules today to keep abreast with the changing UK fine dining landscape.

The new guidance is aimed at families struggling to make ends meet on a budget, and to ensure they stay hale and hearty as they forage for the weekly food shop.

“The important thing is that the new guidance looks to the future,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “these rules will also assist in the changing post Brexit landscape. And I don’t just mean Kent turning into one giant concrete lorry park.”

The guidance focuses on traditional ways to feed a family of four.

“Obesity is clearly less of an issue than it was, now that Spaffer Johnson has set an example and hired a personal trainer. But how do you keep the hoi polloi trim and fit for the digital mill? Why, exercising while getting groceries. It’s clearly a win win.”

To this end the guidance will focus on hunting and foraging.

“It’s the traditional way for the underclass to gain sustenance and enjoy the thrill of the outdoors. And it doesn’t have to be just pottage today and pottage tomorrow. Hunting fresh flesh isn’t just for the rich and powerful. It takes dogged perseverance to catch a rabbit with a rock.”

And rock will feature heavily, with classic spear and arrowhead designs to be included.

“Flint is plentiful and free. I’m sure Her Majesty won’t mind subjects on a budget scouring the Thames foreshore for weapon’s grade flint. If you’re foraging for flint in Kent, clearly you’ll have to hurry, before it’s concreted over. Obsidian is only available in Scotland, so we won’t be worrying about that. As for the shafts and handles? Well, just go into your garden and choose a suitable wood. I believe Yew is best for bows.”

But when hunting in groups and foraging in packs citizens are advised that CV-19 is still a risk.

“The ventilation of the outdoors will help dramatically reduce the chance of contracting Covid off a clan member, but still we would encourage the wearing of masks. Presumably they can be easily made from pelts. And besides, if you want to corner that frisky doe you’ll need to disperse and encircle. Perhaps your family pet can help? That’s if you haven’t already eaten the dog and used it’s hide to make gloves.”

And don’t think that the ministers who have hired consultants to draw up this new guidance are not aware of the problem of heat or eat.

“You can start a fire with the right rocks. Just strike that flint and blow softly into some dry grass. With these new guidelines you’ll be cooking a stew on a Sunday and have plenty of leftovers for sandwiches through the week. And importantly, as it’s winter, you won’t even need to bung 50p every half hour in the fridge to keep it running. Just store your leftovers in fox proof containers on the back patio. And with any luck, you might even get to eat the fox.”

*When eating dogs be sure to avoid the liver. It contains a toxin that can be fatal.

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There are better ways of feeding children than giving them food, claims Boris Johnson

FEED THE WORLD: Let them know it’s definitely not Christmas time. Crime Minister Boris Johnson has defended the decision to vote against extending the free school meals system over the school holidays. Yes, giving them meal vouchers may be one way to feed them, but there are better ways to tackle the problem.

Johnson announced a whole raft of excuses to explain why the simple expedient of subsidising children’s meals, in the same way that the House of Commons subsidises MPs’ meals, is a bad idea.

“There is no need to go down the socialistic route.” waffled Johnson tetchily, tucking into his pheasant and caviar pie, while downing the dregs of a £750 bottle of red wine. “The state of it, I mean, the state of Florida, I mean the state does not own poor children, I must state that, we hived them off years ago, wiff waff.”

Michael Gove tottered by, looking a little worse for wear. “This is for later, know what I mean,” he said, passing Johnson a small packet, and tapping his nose in a meaningful way.

“Ah yes, of course,” spluttered Johnson. “Food is addictive, we can’t encourage children to get hooked on apples and sandwiches now, can we? Cheers, Mikey, it’s about time for my pick-me-up!”

“Oh, you’re talking about this food voucher nonsense?” Gove chipped in. “What are food banks and charities for, may I ask? These valuable institutions exist for a reason, and far be it for us to seek to undermine them!”

“And the little tykes who clean out my chimneys won’t be able to get up there to do their job,” agreed Johnson, taking another mighty slice of the pie. “They must be fit and lean, and their families need the extra income!”

It would be deeply unjust to suggest that, if the government fed children directly, there is no way that Serco could make an obscene profit from the affair.

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Downing Street sets up ‘Serco School Dinners’ – consultants to be paid £7K each per meal served

PLEASE SIR CAN I HAVE SOME MORE UNTENDERED CONTRACTS : England’s hungry children are set to experience happier days shortly as Downing Street moves to end the furore over Downing Street’s decision to not feed England’s hungry children.

“We have set up a special school dinner programme that will take the matter out of the inefficient hands of state schools that have too often failed to feed children,” the prime minister is expected to tell a press conference later today.

“Working with our private partners we will deliver food like substances to hungry children up and down England. Most days. Some weeks.”

The new delivery service will be run by everyone’s favourite corporate giant, Serco.

“Serco’s experts will consult and deliver meals direct to open mouthed slum children, via a complex array of sub-contractors. This solves the problem of parents swapping chicken nuggets for bags of crack cocaine.”

The service will have an initial budget of several billion, but the budget is open ended.

“The long term fiscal advantages of employing the private sector will be obvious immediately. Especially to the private sector.”

It is believed the consultants employed by Serco School Dinners will initially advise that better menus are produced to entice starving children to the dining table.

“It’s clear that one of the big problems is not a lack of food, it’s kept in warehouses often very close to entire slums. No it’s in the story told to children about that food. Chicken nuggets and chips doesn’t sound especially appetising. Such a tired old story. But if the meal is recast as something like ‘a selection of choice petit poulet fleisch with invigorated solanaceae selections, embellished with a free flowing tomato relish’, why children will believe they’re dining at the subsidised House of Commons and rush to the trough.”

Importantly too there will be no penalty clauses in the contract.

“If children don’t eat it’s their fault for being fussy,” the prime minister will conclude, “there’s twigs, leaves and slogans to be found all around the country. And once Serco School Dinners is up and running the bank accounts of the consultants will be overflowing with fiscal nutrience. And with £7K being paid per meal served to each child to each consultant, no child will go hungry ever again. This is what we mean by levelling up the country.”

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Boris Johnson’s plane to undergo fresh repaint with pictures of food

AIRFARCE ONE : The people’s prime minister, Boris Johnson, has decided to lift the spirits of the nation’s children, after a week that can best be described as dispiriting.

“His aeroplane, recently repainted with the Union Jack at vast expense, is to undergo another paint job,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “but this time the plane will be painted with food icons.”

The food, which will be exclusively dishes favoured by hungry children, will be painted with a cartoon flair to “encapsulate the PM’s innate sense of play”.

“When the hungry mites see his plane flying overhead they’ll now see great big dishes of spaghetti, burgers and fries, fish and chips and so on, painted on the undercarriage.”

But because of the PM’s concern that children should lose weight, there will also be healthy eating options painted under the wings.

“Clearly starving children is one way to tackle the epidemic of child obesity,” the source continues, “but education is also important. So images of raw broccoli, capsicum and cucumber sticks will also be displayed.”

It’s felt that seeing the food flying over their heads will also be aspirational.

“Just think, if you leave school early you can get a job and maybe one day afford a meal?” the source enthuses, “and this will make social distancing in schools easier. Especially as the jobs available will be digi economy, app based, isolated and keep kids moving so swiftly that Covid-19 can’t catch up to them.”

Plans to regulate the bartering for hard drugs with food are also being considered.

“Children should know how much crack they’ll get in their slum when they go to exchange a tin of beans for a fix. We want to ensure the prices are fixed so that everyone can get involved on a level playing field.”

Critics have attacked this additional move, calling it medalling in the free market for hard drugs and ready meals, but it’s believed the PM will push on regardless after Michael Gove personally championed the initiative.

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Queen asks Marcus Rashford to form a government

AND WHAT DO YOU DO : QUEEN ELIZABETH II, second of her name, ruler of a rapidly shrinking dominion, has asked 21 year old Manchester United football star Marcus Rashford to form a government.

The surprising move comes after a week in which the outgoing administration of Boris Johnson refused to feed the children its own policies are largely responsible for making hungry.

Mr Rashford is understood to have accepted the request from the monarch and begun selecting his cabinet.

“As the office of the Prime Minister is not established by law, but relies on long established convention, it’s perfectly legitimate for Mr Rashford to assume the office, even though he is not a member of Parliament,” our legal eagle reassures.

“It’s understood that the coveted position of Home Secretary has already been accepted by Jürgen Klopp,” our correspondent continues, “and we can expect a markedly different approach to the policies of the department from the outgoing Priti Patel.”

Harry Maguire is expected to accept the position of Secretary of State for Defence and Raheem Sterling to be Chancellor – although a spokesman for the new prime minister insists it’s not just because of his surname.”

The first responsibility of the new government will clearly be feeding vulnerable children and looking for ways to reverse the damaging policies of the last 10 years of Tory rule.

“Remainers can anticipate joy too,” our correspondent suggests, “as it’s likely that Mr Rashford will look to reverse the frankly daft and self defeating decision by Boris Johnson’s administration to abandon freedom of movement across Europe. A young man that fleet of foot is going to want to travel to all areas of the continental pitch, as he likes.”

A first Queen’s Speech is currently being drafted in what is being seen as a move that reflects the “will of the people” and secures for Queen Elizabeth II a prime minister who doesn’t shame her with his every word and deed.

Dominic Cummings and the other Vote Leave gang were last seen legging it from 10 Downing Street in replay of scenes played out earlier in the pandemic.

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Tory MP crushed to death under giant poppy

VIRTUE SIGNALLED : Disturbing reports this morning that a Conservative MP has been killed by his symbolic, floral display.

The incident is believed to have occurred during the debate on whether or not to feed starving children over Christmas.

“Clearly the right decision was taken by the patriotic government to let poor children starve,” Tory Peer Lord Flagshagger of Flagshag on Shag told LCD Views, “otherwise what did those men die on those beaches for? How will underfed children motivate themselves to be inheritance millionaires when they grow up, if they aren’t unnecessarily hungry as mites? Really sharpens the mind.”

But what about the deceased MP?

“Oh, he was just lobby fodder doing what he was told. He won’t be missed. I doubt he’ll be remembered. Crushed under the weight of his patriotism. An excellent way to go.”

That doesn’t sound very compassionate.

“He’s a noble sacrifice for the cause. And seriously, if you’re wearing a poppy so big no one can see you’ve slipped and are slowly being asphyxiated under it? Well, there’s no greater way to remember our fallen then to join them while blatantly virtue signalling.”

Do you think the episode opens up a debate on how we remember the conflicts of the past, in the present day, and whether or not we’re losing nuance and context, and perhaps increasing the possibility of repeating the mistakes which led to great global conflicts by steeping our national culture too deeply in nationalism and exceptionalism, when you consider that those who make the most obvious displays are also often the ones who push nationalism, so the association is developed and it’s not healthy, and the whole culture of remembrance, in the political sphere, becomes devoid of the realities of the human experience in times of war?

“What? You lost me at ‘do you think’.”

Would you like me to repeat the question?

“No. The bloody oysters are off. I’ve just seen the email from the House of Commons restaurant.”

What are you going to do?

“I guess I’ll have the salmon mousse.”