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UK waits to see which Tory MP will be first to blame “last Labour government” for Unicef food parcels

RAMPED UP BLAME GAMING : THE UK IS WAITING WITH BAITED BREATH TODAY TO SEE WHICH OF THE LEGENDARY PARLIAMENTARIANS WHO SERVE AS JOHNSON’S RUBBER STAMPS WILL STEP FORTH TO TAKE ON THE UNICEF FOOD CRISIS.

As MPs attended slap up Christmas dinners at their private clubs the global charity signalled Brexit Boris’s UK’s arrival as a global superpower in the ranks of the needy.

But while some unsupportive critics would blame the 10 years of Tory rule for the shameful state of affairs, more fluid thinkers know exactly who is the cause of the hungry bellies.

“It’s clearly the last Labour government,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “there’s a direct line between them and Unicef.”

And it’s fair to say that if Gordon Brown hand’t lost that GE all those centuries ago now there would most likely not be a hunger crisis in the United Kingdom today.

“And what’s more, you can see what the last Labour government will do next if you look forward,” the source points out.

“We’re rapidly regressing the country back to the 19th century in as many areas as we can,” the source explains, “so if you look forward you enter the late 1990’s, policy wise, and that’s the work of a Labour government. Then moving forward you enter the food crisis twenty or so years later.”

Now we have settled on who to blame, the major function of this government, we just need to wait and see which plucky little party loyalist will call Labour out for starving our kids!

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Boris Johnson celebrates successfully negotiating with UNICEF to feed hungry British children

WORLD BEATING : UK PRIME MINISTER, BORIS JOHNSON, HAS ONLY burnished his already fulsome reputation since taking office. It’s fair to say he’s built on the 10 years of Tory government since 2010, and now has a raft of world beating achievements.

“Full to the brim with success,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “we’re bursting at the seams. The cup over flows you could say. Thigh slapping stuff!”

The reason for the extra seasonal cheer is the successful negotiation between Her Majesty’s Government and UNICEF.

It was announced today that the 6th biggest economy in the world, with roughly 145 resident billionaires, has successfully negotiated for the United Nations programme to feed hungry British children.

“This will save us money that can be spent on nuclear weapons and the reimposition of anachronistic trading systems last seen decades ago.”

The food parcels will also free up additional public money that can be spent on PPE contracts to people who have Matt Hancock’s phone number, and pay rises for Dom.

But not everyone is happy about the gold standard deal negotiated with Unicef, that sees Britain once again headline news around the world – for the achievements under Mr Johnson.

“Liz Truss is a little put out. As she is the master negotiator.”

But Ms Truss need feel no ruffling of her feathers, as she only negotiates short term continuity arrangements, which will expire and allow our international partners to come back and have another go, when we’re really desperate. A hum, Brexit.

To mark the feeding of British children by Unicef the UK’s parliamentarians are expected to have a champagne Christmas dinner before going into recess until 2021.

“It’s moments like this that we all went into politics for,” a member of Mr Johnson’s cabinet told LCD Views, “knowing that David Cameron’s big society is now truly international.”

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UK leaves Erasmus out of fear EU uni’s will tell UK school leavers “WW2 is over”

ALL BY OURSELVES : THE UK GOVERNMENT has confirmed today it is not seeking to involve British school leavers in the European Erasmus exchange programme after the end of the Brexit transition period.

The move, described as “so far sighted it’s gone around the world and is looking into its own backside” by supporters has been taken over concerns about ideological impurity seeping into British thought from across the Channel.

The primary worry appears to be the fact that numerous European universities seek to teach university students that WW2 ended three quarters of a century ago, and having learned the horrible lessons of that terrible conflict, Europe now seeks to work together to avoid a repetition of past horror.

“That’s not Brexit,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we stand alone against Europe once again! The war isn’t over, it was just resting.”

The sensible decision will build on the history curriculum taught in state schools which is focused entirely on WW2 from an increasingly distilled English perspective, with the occasional break to learn about WW1.

“It’s not much point obsessing over the conflict for twelve years in school, to keep the Blitz spirit alive, and have the patriotic British young ready to live through it all over again, if you then go and ship them off to Europe. Worse still, they may even pick up some ghastly inferior European tongue.”

Of course travel to university to study will still be available for very wealthy British children, but most will have been to Eton and by then “the damage is already done.”

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Williamson – “You didn’t see teachers moaning about CV-19 in the Blitz!”

NOTHING A SPITFIRE FLYOVER WON’T FIX : The idiot’s idiot, Education Secretary Gavin Williamson, has slammed Greenwich teachers for what he has (allegedly) called a lack of Blitz spirit.

“It’s not as if we needed more evidence that modern man is going soft,” an imaginary someone claiming to work with Williamson told LCD Views, “and let’s face it, you didn’t see teachers complaining about catching Covid-19 in the Blitz. Did you? No. They got on and teached.”

But teachers in Greenwich are complaining so much they’ve even attempted to close schools. Just because most of them are now sick.

“Look, do they want a national day of clapping or not? In recognition of their suffering and sacrifice? Do they want a badge that says care? Teachers need to have a good, hard think.”

Happily for the former fireplace salesman he has levers to pull. And luckily for the teachers that he retrained as Education Secretary in the first place.

“He is forcing them to keep schools open for a few extra days. Essentially demanding that more of them catch Covid before Christmas. That’s how much he cares about education. He is willing to sacrifice his own troops like a WW1 general faced with a machine gun nest and limited imagination.”

And Williamson is calling in the army to help.

“It will be a carrot and stick approach,” the aide says, “there will be a Spitfire flyover over Greenwich schools next week to remind teachers of what they lack in commitment. But we will also be requesting the Navy moor a nuclear sub in the Thames at Greenwich. If teachers won’t go to school we will consider using Trident to force the issue.”

The navy however is believed to be less than keen on the request.

“The way that class A idiot is handling Covid and schools he doesn’t need nukes. He’s a weapon. A weapon of mass destruction himself.”

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Government advises Britons to stockpile British citrus for January 1st

GET READY FOR SCURVY : Downing Street is launching a series of new initiatives to help patriots best prepare for the bafflingly self-imposed new realities next year.

While most information campaigns so far have been aimed at quickening the pulse of proper British businesses, large and small, the new campaign is aimed at everyone.

”It’s indiscriminate friendly fire,” a 10 Downing Street genius told LCD Views, “consider this the white hot phosphorus of pubic messaging. I mean public. Public messaging. Sorry I’ve been spending a lot of time with the PM.”

The info campaign will be dazzling, as expected, and take the form of recent masterclasses in pubic messaging. Public. We mean public messaging.

“Get ready and keep calm,” the insider informs, “all the classic tropes. Only this time we’re warning people it’s their fault if they fail to prepare and get scurvy.”

Avoiding scurvy will be a priority for global Britons and all are encouraged to stockpile British citrus now.

“If everyone plays their part in the rolling farce and stockpiles a few tonnes of British grown lemons, oranges, even clementines now, it will help them compete in the hunger games to come. I for one will be doing my part and filling my larder with Yorkshire grown easy peelers.”

Switching your preference to British grown citrus, and away from unpatriotic Spanish fruits, will also be a real boost to the British agricultural sector.

“If you buy enough lemons you can save a British sheep farmer,” the insider adds, “and rest assured, rickets won’t be a risk as you’ll all be getting plenty of Vitamin D stood aside in ration queues.”

But British Citrus and put Johnny Foreigner in his Place! Brexit – Squeezing the U.K. till the pips pop out!

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Downing Street begin ambitious wild Spitfire breeding programme to boost morale of Britons!

PANDERING TO THE LEAVERS : ON A DAY WHEN MANY BRITONS WERE EXPECTING THE FINALISATION OF BREXIT NEGOTIATIONS BETWEEN THE CRUMBLING EU SUPERSTATE TYRANNY AND MIGHTY GLOBAL BRITAIN 2.0, FIELD MARSHALL BORIS JOHNSON HAD OTHER PLANS.

As EU leaders waited anxiously by the phone for World King Johnson to call and offer them the terms of their surrender, the prime minister was instead wearing a white lab coat and touring (the until now secret) facility where the iconic, native English aeroplanes are to be bred.

It’s believed the plan to repopulate the wilds of Blighty with Spitfires has been in the works for some time, but only now has it been revealed, in order to show the EU what they’re dealing with.

“The breeding programme will be modelled on the successful efforts to get captive pandas to mate,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “it’s hoped with the right conditions in their stable nature will take its course.”

The right conditions are said to be endless screenings of WW2 movies and “The Dambusters” soundtrack played at an “invigorating level” when it’s time to “get down to business”.

In order to fund the ambitious project beaver breeding programmes have been put on the back burner, regional development funds for Cornwall diverted, and other funds taken from food.

But while all proper patriots will celebrate the initiative, not everyone is happy.

It’s believed a cohort of hard Brexit Tory MPs have set up a research group to study the programme after concerns were raised about the purity of the breeding stock.

“We’ve heard that the Spitfire cow has been imported from Poland. Or maybe even more alarmingly, from France,” Tory MP Woadface Spittlebrain Cockspangle Flagshagger Nostalgia Freak Potential-Foreign-Arset Phosphorus Cocyx Numbbrain Poostain told LCD Views. “If this is the case we simply will not have it. It’s better to have no wild Spitfires than Spitfires with EU bloodlines in them. Just think what they may grow up to do?”

Mr Johnson is said to be willing to address the Spitfire Research Group’s concerns. Just as soon as he’s finished mussing up his hair for the obligatory photoshoot.

The first Spitfire cubs are expected to arrive before the end of the year and the programme will only cost £100bn!

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British Fish to be trained to shoot French fish on sight

DON’T TELL ‘EM, PIKE: Gunboat diplomacy is being elevated to another level. British Fish are being armed to prevent French fish from trespassing in British waters.

This initiative is being spearheaded by the Ministry of Defence, and personally sticklebacked by the Fish Tzar John Redwood. The scale of the operation obscures the fact that the UK actually has bigger fish to fry.

“This is a whale of a task,” explained underwater armaments consultant Mariana Trench. “”Fish are slippery and unreliable buggers at the best of times. But they tend to go around in schools, and all the schools have been closed thanks to Covid-19.”

Trench was not over-enthusiastic about the job she has been assigned to perform.

“I think that Brexit has been nailed to its perch, quite frankly,” she said in a forthright manner. “There’s plenty of Free Movement in the North Sea. Most of them don’t know if they are fish or poisson. The government is truly floundering if they think this is a good idea!”

It’s a commonly held belief that the current government has had its chips.

“Yet they carry on in this utterly shellfish manner!” exclaimed Trench, crabbily. “They have spawned a monster, and shoaled us down the river. And for what? A few inedible, unsaleable fish! I expect that they will be squids in, though.”

How will the British Fish distinguish French poisson?

“Simple, apparently they smell of garlic and drive on the right,” she carped. “Government guidelines? I think they were written by a clownfish with a Cod-given gift for dreadful puns.”

Which weapons will the fish use?

“The submarine equivalent of air rifles,” said Trench. “Water pistols.”

And how will the fish pull the trigger on their guns?

“They have already been armed,” observes Trench with sturgeon-like precision. “Now all they need is fish fingers.”

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UK experiment to make Benny Hill tribute act PM and see how it goes takes dark turn

THE EASIEST FARCE IN HISTORY : THE UK’S 18 MONTH LONG EXPERIMENT IN LEADERSHIP BY IDIOT HAS BEGUN TO YIELD RESULTS.

The experiment has been run by KleptoFascistInternationalist Enterprises, an international concern with key stakeholders in the UK, USA and the Russian Federation, with the aim of reinventing feudalism for the 21st century.

“We hoped to prove it was entirely possible to place a confirmed idiot in a position of leadership and see a country fail,” a spokesman for KFIE told LCD Views, “and we believe the choosing of a Benny Hill tribute act has only augmented the outcomes for all key stakeholders.”

Most of the key stakeholders are believed to be kleptocrats and currency traders, but some are just good old fashioned fascists.

“It is not clear how much longer we will let the experiment run,” the spokesman continues, “as we are facing some headwinds from across the Atlantic. These are expected to strengthen in late January. But the important date is December 31st this year and we will successfully see the experiment beyond that.”

The only real concerns appear to be the complete lack of preparation at a state and local level to prepare for the outcomes of the experiment, with the farce government now looking to impose food and medicine shortages on the population under study.

“That is not KFIE’s position,” the spokesman hit back, “we look forward to racketeering in food stuffs and clean water products. The lack of preparation just expands our options for additional experiments.”

Happily for KFIE, and the Benny Hill tribute – Boris Johnson, the population the experiment is being conducted on keeps expecting common sense to return.

“That’s a key advantage for us,” KFIE said, “if someone stopped the Benny Hill theme music blaring out of 10 Downing Street we’d have to cut our losses and run. As it stands we expect to have a lot of fun, especially watching Johnson giving his finest hour speeches as the dogging begins in Kent lorry parks and the portaloos overflow, just adding to the fun.”

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Britain’s last Union Jack factory relocates to France ahead of Brexit

FLAG SHAGGED : Fantastic news for the future of British symbolism today with the announcement that its manufacturing future has been secured ahead of Brexit.

The owner of Plastique Patriojisms, Lord Phatt Carp, one of Britain’s richest men, spoke to the press this morning from his home in Monaco to reassure all patriots.

“We here at Plastique Patriojisms have been making plastic Union Jack bunting and Tory MPs since my ancestor founded the first factory in a woad ditch in 836 AD. And please make sure that is A D and not that BSE rubbish. BCE? Anyway. As the head of manufacturing I’ve been responsibly analysing the best place to continue providing British jobs for British workers making British symboliojisms after Brexit. And I’ve decided I’ll make the most money if I move the entire show to France.”

The decision to relocate Union Jack manufacturing to France will also enable the continued “just in time” supply lines to run seamlessly after January 1st 2021, regardless of what deal is agreed between the U.K. and EU.

When asked if he believed having to pay new customs duties, and fill out forms for his products to enter Britain after Dec 31st, would increase costs for British businesses? Lord Carp instantly fell asleep.

What will happen to the now vacant manufacturing plant in Woad-in-Dytch isn’t yet clear. But some suggest it could be filled with water and British fish. Then become a re-education camp for any fish considering also defecting to France.

At least the move by Lord Carp has proven one Brexiter assertion correct.

“I personally put millions into achieving Brexit,” Lord Phatt Carp beamed, “and I made a lot over the last few years trading on the volatility in pound Sterling. I look forward to purchasing distressed British businesses with my mad stash of tax sheltered money next year. It’s going to be great. And as the moving abroad of Plastique Patriojisms shows, British manufacturing? The EU needs it more than you. So long suckers! Ha!”

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John Redwood spotted on beach encouraging British fish to still break international law

THE RED AND WOODEN CEE : BREXIT PROPHET and all around maritime visionary John Redwood (Conservative MP for British Fish) has been forced to take extreme measures.

Shortly before dawn today he was spotted on a Wokingham beach addressing the thriving Berkshire fishing industry, which he represents.

“The Lord of Hosts will do battle for our British Fish!” he told an enthusiastic group of seafarers, before lapsing out of Moses and into Braveheart. “They may take our fintech, aeronautical, farming, insurance, creative, entertainment, automotive and banking sectors, but they’ll never take our fish!”

This rousing war cry complete he then turned his attention directly to the British fish who had also gathered to hear his speech.

“Many of you have walked hundreds of miles to be here today and we welcome you as brothers and sisters,” he said, “and I tell you today that I will defend you from the French! Protect you from the Danes! Guard you from the Irish! And emancipate you from Brussels!”

(pause for dramatic effect – much slapping of fins)

“But I ask you today to help me in this! Together we will defeat Barnier! Lay low Merkel! Make mince of Macron! And we will do it by breaking international law and going back on the binding international treaties we ourselves voted for and signed up to only moments ago!”

Now he was really impassioned and waving about his stick!

“Go forth now and multiple. But only in British waters. Go forth now and endanger peace in Northern Ireland by disregarding the NI protocol! You are British fish! You are the greatest fish the world has ever seen! You are just better than other countries fish! And WE MUST CONTROL YOU OR DIE TRYING!”

All perfectly sane and sensible, as befits a member of the mother of parliaments.

Remember, if you don’t control British fish, you don’t have sole and there’s not a hali-a-but anyone can do about it, except talk as much gibberish as a floundering member of parliament.