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England begins second lockdown because Johnson didn’t have the balls to fire Dominic Cummings in May

BAD CHURCHILL IMPERSONATORS GONNA BADLY IMPERSONATE : OUTGOING BRITISH PRIME MINISTER, BORIS ‘AL TO HIS FRIENDS’ JOHNSON, has led the country through thin and thinner already in his time in office.

“Well, it’s not accurate to accuse him of being in office,” a 10 Downing Street insider claims, “as that implies work. And Boris didn’t sign up for that.”

But whether or not he is working while in office is not up for dispute, the wisdom of a second English lockdown is. Especially by idiots in the Tory party.

“We didn’t have much choice in that,” the insider says, “I blame the last Labour government. If they hadn’t devolved certain powers to the colonies, such as health and safety, then we wouldn’t be having the lockdown. Now we have to or we get shown up by the Welsh. Oh, and Scotland.”

And not being shown up by subject provinces is key in the decisions being taken by the Johnson government.

“If they have no one dying and we have thousands dying, people may begin to ask questions of Boris Johnson’s leadership. And I don’t just mean in the way that PPE contracts are dished out to mates, or the failing track and trace system.”

While comparisons to lesser nations have to be avoided, if unfavourable, there is one other major reason England now has to go into lockdown again.

“Dominic Cummings,” the insider shrugs, “there’s a reason the government keeps blaming the public. They’ve lost disciple in England. Right about the 25th of May when Cummings held his press conference in the Rose Garden to laugh at the nation.”

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Donald Trump lists Oval Office desk on Ebay

RESOLUTE AND DESTITUTE : OUTGOING US PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP has some questions to answer today after Oval Office furniture began appearing on popular auction site Ebay. Overnight.

The listings began to appear shortly after Mr Trump stopped tweeting for the night and were posted by a user called ‘MAGAdump12345’.

While it is not confirmed that the account belongs to Mr Trump, with some claiming the process of setting up the account would exhaust his attention span, the listings all say that the items will not be delivered and must be collected from 1600 Pennsylvania Ave, NW, Washingtun, 20006.

“The misspelling of Washington clearly points directly to Donald Trump,” our White House correspondent suggests, “even though his attorney, Rudi G, has attempted to deflect the accusations by claiming that Mr Trump can’t have listed the furniture for sale because he can’t count up to 1600.”

Other suspects do include Mr Trump’s family, with particular interest in his children and their spouses. Those bastions of virtue and probity.

“What is known is that the Trumps owe A LOT of money to someone. And it’s possible it’s not someone very forgiving. If Daddy Trump can’t cling onto the Resolute Desk as president, it’s reasonable to expect him to steal it and flog it off so he can meet next months interest repayments.”

And there’s some bad news in the listings for outgoing British Prime Minister Boris Johnson, and the rest of his flagshagging clique.

“The bust of Winston Churchill is listed in the items for sale,” our correspondent reveals, “Winstun Church Hill – statue of breasts. It’s not yet clear if there’s any word that ends in -on that Mr Trump is able to spell correctly, but at least he’s trying his bestest.”

The auctions are all set to close soon and cash is preferred. Preferably unmarked bills deposited at a shady address.

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Priory begins treating patients addicted to refreshing CNN US election results

REFRESH REFRESH : THE WORLD FAMOUS PRIORY CLINIC in London has begun accepting a new kind of addict.

“We treat a wide range of mental disorders, OCD, addictions and so on,” a Doctor claiming to work at the clinic told LCD Views, “with our peaceful, sweeping grounds and comfortable rooms in our beautiful Grade 1 listed building we’re well equipped to help patients find and achieve tranquillity.”

And tranquillity is currently in short supply all over the world as the US election result grinds itself out over days.

“We’re well placed to help people addicted to CNN,” the doctor continues, “we have removed all refresh buttons and capability from all digital devices on or in our grounds. We also have a bald eagle permanently aloft, which is trained to take down drones. Should any addict attempt to have a smart phone with a topped up data allowance dropped over the wall.”

The main place addicts are getting their hits appear to be the website below :

https://edition.cnn.com/election/2020/results/president?iid=politics_election_national_map#mapmode=call

“That website is really just a bit of old school weed. But importantly we are finding it is a gateway drug to the harder stuff,” the doctor warns, “patients often began using it recreationally late on the 3rd of November, but then proceeded to go for the crystal meth of erection results, which is the 24 hour news channel.”

https://edition.cnn.com/specials/live-cnni-uk

“If you are worried about anyone close to you. If you think they have developed compulsive refresh behaviour I would suggest you plug their ears so they can’t hear Key Race Alerts. That’s essentially like smoking crack. And once a user starts on that, without help, there’s little chance of them coming back.”

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US poll day scandal occurs as Melania Trump filmed voting multiple times

BODY DOUBLE EXPONENTIAL : OUTGOING US PRESIDENT DONALD TRUMP received a welcome boost as polls began to open across America today as his alleged wife Melania Trump was filmed voting, again and again.

“There is no need to investigate this,” a White House staffer told LCD Views, “it’s merely a sign of the lingering strength of support for the Covid Spreader in Chief. And really we should be celebrating, it’s the first time Melania has enjoyed a multiple of anything while with Trump.”

But while the White House is surprisingly nonchalant about the footage, even more surprising given how concerned Donald Trump is with voter fraud, others are demanding to know how Melania did it? And will the ballots be voided?

“If Donald Trump has invented a teleportation device than he should tell us,” a keen Trump watcher said, as they ground their knuckles into their eyes, “as that would convince many that he is a very stable genius with the best brain.”

And it is conceivable that Mr Trump has invented a Star Trek style transportation system, clearly arousing from his Space Force programme.

“He’s already invented a time machine, we’ve been in the 1930’s for years now, steadily grinding on towards 1939. So why not teleportation?”

But the actual reason for the numerous incidences of Melania Trump filmed voting in dozens of places simultaneously is much more banal.

“Every Melania body double gets a vote,” our election analyst notes, “whether or not they go to vote in character is their personal choice.”

At what time today the actual Melania Trump will vote is unclear, with many believing she has already fled the USA and is back living anonymously in a village in Europe.

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Get ready! Be prepared! says government changing the rules every week at the last minute

HANDS, FACE, SPACE, AND BOOMPSY-DAISY: The latest guidance for businesses facing the Brexit cliff edge has been published. Like all previous guidance, the paper it is written on is worth rather more.

LCD Views’ Purple Prose Condenser has been hard at work, and has distilled the prolix document into readable form. In essence, the guidance states, Get Ready! Be Prepared! And Stay Alert!

Of course, a rather more honest evaluation of the guidance was supplied by none other than Crime Minister (In Name Only) Boris Johnson. In his former guise as Secretary of State for Insulting Foreigners, an exasperated Johnson lost his cool when some lackey dared to ask him a searching question. “F@#k business!” was the, for once, honest retort. He won, we lost, so we will have to suck it up, while he f@#ks it up.

The business community, and to be honest, the rest of us as well, have been hoping for clarity. But it’s difficult to Get Ready For Brexit when nobody knows what Brexit means, least of all those in charge of delivering it. Or at least, they do probably know, but daren’t tell the rest of us because it’s going to be catastrophic.

Meanwhile The Rules are changing faster than the Great British Weather. To lockdown, or not to lockdown, that is the question. Whether ’tis nobler in the government to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous coronavirus, or to take arms against a sea of naysayers? And as for Brexit, well the UK’s world beating negotiators are still quibbling over fishing rights and refusing to engage until they get their own way.

So nobody knows. F@#ked businesses will have to respond instantly to demands that should have been made clear years ago.

In conclusion, this is what to do. Stock up on baked beans, toilet roll, and candles. It’s going to be a long, dark, winter.

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Trump signs executive order – all votes cast Nov 3rd by voters without CV-19 will be invalid

PRIME MAGA CHUMP STEAK : US PRESIDENT AND ALLY OF GLOBAL WARMING, DONALD ‘ORANGE’ TRUMP, HAS SIGNED A NEW EXECUTIVE ORDER ON THE EVE OF THE US 2020 GENERAL ELECTION.

The order is aimed to limit the spread of Covid-19 on polling day, which the president is said to be exceptionally concerned about.

“This is why the voting queues for early voting have been miles long,” a White House insider told us, speaking through an ouija board, “so that people don’t give each other the foreign flu. We had to close many polling places because we believe in democracy.”

The new executive order is aimed to build on this work, along with that of MAGA trucks blocking access to voting stations, to ensure social distancing is maintained.

“We’ll also be burning all the mail in ballots,” the insider continued, “just in case they’re contaminated. Which is very possible as most of them have been posted from China. Fact.”

The change to voting eligibility on polling day will require all people presenting to vote to pass a Covid-19 test before receiving their ballot paper.

“Some undemocratic traitors have claimed that we’re only letting people vote who are Covid-19 positive as that proves they’ve been to a Trump rally in the last two weeks. But that is incorrect. They may live with someone who has been to one. Or work with one. Or stood too long next to one at a supermarket. There’s many ways they could have become infected recently.”

Although clearly, attending a Trump rally is the best way to be sure you pass the test and cast your ballot.

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“You’re destroying the economy with lockdowns!” Cry MPs who want to destroy the economy with Brexit

THE INTRINSIC VALUE OF HUMAN HYPOCRISY : Tory MPs are making themselves heard over the plans to bring in some kind of lockdown again in England.

Twitter, Facebook, the state broadcaster and various channels are currently constipated with swivel eyed Tory MPs demanding that people be allowed to die as nature intended. Even though the rules have clearly been redesigned to allow them to carry on living just as they like.

“Sometimes a virus comes to clear out the poor,” Des Face Eating Lizard MP said yesterday to a range of client journalists, “sometimes it does it really fast. Sometimes it’s a bacteria. That’s nature.”

And while some are aghast at how fully the mask has slipped from the Caring Conservatives, and their general disregard for human life, others are celebrating the possibility to use the schism for grift.

“All channels are also full of self-appointed experts who just don’t care if your parents die,” our burning planet analyst reports, “which is nice. I mean if you can make money peddling misinformation and conspiracy theories, that’s a damn sight easier than working for a living. You might even get elected to office. It’s a bloody puzzle while our country is in such a mess. Someone should look into it. And then legislate to stop it.”

But whether or not the growing rebellion in Mr Johnson’s party can be contained is about as clear yet as to whether or not school children will be made to stay in school long enough for worried parents to catch Covid.

“It’s a travesty,” a cabinet insider told LCD Views, “we’ve spent years working to destroy the UK economy with Brexit, and then fragment the country into its constituent parts. After that we’ll look for someone to blame. But we never foresaw Covid. It’s doing our work for us. Well more correctly, the mismanagement of it is doing the work of Brexit. What will be left for Brexit?”

I guess this is what you get when you elect disaster capitalists to office. Some just don’t want a quick disaster, some want it tantric. That’s where the smart money is.

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Mark Francois to lead The Army into battle against Covid

MARK MY WORDS: The government’s go-to solution for every problem is being wheeled out yet again. The Army will lead the fighting in the War On Covid, and who better to lead the cavalry than Little Mark Francois?

Operation Mincemeat, as this initiative has tentatively been named, will commence immediately. Or in other words, on Thursday. Or Friday. Or maybe Saturday, just after closing time. Or Sunday. No, leave it until Monday, because everybody knows that Covid doesn’t work at the weekend.

Unfortunately, there is no sign yet of the Clandestine Covid Threat Commander. The thick-as-Operation-Mincemeat Francois is still Missing In Action, or maybe AWOL. He is sayin’ nuttin’ and layin’ low. Even the good people of Rayleigh and Wickford have no idea where the tubby Territorial has got to.

Still, that is no hindrance for one of “Classic” Dom Cummings’ SuperPlans. The SuperForecaster, who SuperForecasted the need for a second lockdown a mere five weeks after SAGE recommended it, has never let practical concerns stand in the way of achieving His objectives.

Indeed, so urgent is the need for a lockdown and martial medicine that the latest skirmishes will not commence until the back end of the week. The stated reason, to paraphrase the Clandestine Covid Threat Commander himself, is because if Covid refuses to cooperate this time, then he will be obliged to pass the matter upstairs to Cummings, and Covid won’t like that, not one little bit.

The utter absence of visible leadership has characterised the current government’s world beating success. The UK is top of the league for infection rates per capita, and also for preventable deaths. This enviable success has led to a stronger, fitter, healthier population (if somewhat reduced in number), which is ideal preparation for the shortages of food, medicine, fuel and so forth come January.

Alas, there will inevitably be casualties of war, as the Crime Minister might as well have said. If, sadly, you die of Covid, then you take your Covid to the grave, and then who has the last laugh? We will remember them, virtue signalling with a Covid poppy, followed by an allegedly socially distanced booze-up at the local ‘Spoons.

Dulce et decorum est, pro patria mori.

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Prime minister said to be in “stable condition” and “resting with donors” after having to work on a Saturday

LOCK IT DOWN : OUTGOING BRITISH PRIME MINISTER, BORIS JOHNSON, is understood to be taking the rest of the month off, in order to recover from a unique and unprecedented ordeal.

“It was simply terrifying,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “but the people’s prime minister rose to the challenge when duty called.”

The challenge initially involved finishing lunch earlier than planned.

“Well, that was a matter of some debate with the rest of the cabinet. Al only got up around 11am. He accidentally wandered into his office, instead of the bathroom. His eyes were a little bleary from the night before. I don’t think he noticed Gove sitting behind his desk pretending to sign a declaration of war against Wales. But after he had freshened up he made it to the dining room. There ensued a fierce discussion with Carrie over whether or not he was actually having breakfast, lunch or in reality brunch? It was a very charming family scene. They both switched to fluent Russian. Which made the painting with the camera and microphone smile. Boris had to employ some half remembered classical allusions to win out. Something about Medusa and internecine conflict in a wool shop with Theseus. He eventually got his full English, with pheasant, and called it brunch.”

Clearly that would have been enough of a day’s work for your average prime minister, but fate had more in store for Boris Johnson.

“It was as he was using the table cloth to wipe the mustard off his lips that it happened. Dominic sauntered in and made the shocking announcement. Boris was going to have to talk to the nation. Normally he loves this kind of thing, but given he was going to have to contradict everything he’d been saying for the past several weeks over CV-19 lockdowns, it was a little ticklish. But worst of all. It looked like work, it smelt like work and it felt like work. And it was a Saturday.”

What followed thereafter was televised. The aftermath will be endured in private, with friends, with donors, and almost certainly some arts and crafts.

“He’s busily painting a bus he made out of an empty crate of Pinot Shattuer Clusterfook 2016 to 2020 Ongoing vintage. And it is hoped he will make a full recovery in time to announce the closing of schools in a few weeks time. After the current half arsed attempt to look like they’re doing something other than making friends richer via Covid plays out.”

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Big bawbag to address nation in bawbag at 5pm this afternoon

TANTRIC COVID : “They say that running a country is like making love to a beautiful woman,” prime minister Boris ‘Bawbag’ Johnson is expected to tell the nation this afternoon, “only you’re doing it while watching over your shoulder for your wife to enter the room, as it’s happening during a christening of some sprog belonging to some party donor or other, you can’t really remember. So perhaps your eye isn’t firmly on the job in hand. You should really have shaken off your private security first, what if they can’t be relied upon to keep the missus away? It’s hard to get into the grove with so much on the mind. More so because you’re also wondering about making love to that hot little filly you spotted earlier at the church, and having to fight a court battle over paternity of a child you don’t want to acknowledge while trying to get off a mental tripwire so thin your flat feet are being painfully creased. And none of it helped by having a speech to finish writing in which you’re considering invoking Agamemnon. Not only to prove you half slept through a classics tutorial one summer long past, but because you’re considering passing a law forcing Argos to change its name to something British. Would that play well to the baying mob? Now, where were we? That’s right! Wondering if you can serve Domaine de la Romanee at the little bash the girlfriend is determined to throw, and claim it back on expenses? Ticklish.”

And then he will turn his attention to Covid and the easily avoidable second national lockdown, if only the government wasn’t managing Covid-19 on a calculation of how many daily deaths are survivable politically.

Everyone clap for Boris.