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Boris Johnson spends day building smaller Kent lorry queue out of empty wine boxes

NIGHTINGALE LORRY PARKS : ENGLISH PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON HAS TAKEN PERSONAL CONTROL OF THE KENT LORRY PARK CRISIS AND A SWIFT RESOLUTION IS EXPECTED.

The seizing of the stationary wheel by the PM will also bring much needed good cheer to the thousands of stranded drivers, who are in danger of missing Christmas with their loved ones.

“At least they have each other for company,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “well, until Priti Patel starts deporting them as illegal immigrants.”

But in advance of the deportations from Global Britain the prime minister has chosen to minimise the scale of the unfolding drama.

“He’s hard at work as we speak,” the source continues, “he’s been drinking for the last 48 hours in preparation. French mostly, but one or two cheeky Italians have snuck in. Oh, and even a Riesling.”

And with the wind in his sails the prime minister has now begun to work on his solution.

“You’ll see the magnitude of the problem is rapidly de-escalating. The prime minister has his lorry driver’s play outfit on, the craft glue, the paints and all the wine boxes and crates he’s spent days emptying.”

But how has getting completely hammered help solve what is now a national embarrassment?

“He’s building a new lorry queue now out of the empties. And it’s much smaller than the one in the news. If you believe in yourself anything is believable.”

But critics of the prime minister have pointed out that even his scaled down model hasn’t significantly reduced the problem, as he’s worked his way through thousands of bottles of vino in preparation for his art project.

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You can’t close your borders, that’s OUR job, say Brexiters

TAKING BACK CONTROL: It’s strange that, after four and a half years of abortive posturing, that it turns out that we could have controlled our borders anyway. With over 40 countries now shutting the UK out, Brexiters are getting very hot under the collar.

Typical of the breed is long-standing Tory MP, Ozzie Rules. “We are the ones who close borders!” he thundered, to anybody who cared to listen. “It’s our job! We have taken back control! How dare other countries think that they have sovereignty too! It’s just not cricket! I shall be writing a very stiff letter, a very stiff letter indeed, to Mr Churchill, the King, the Magna Carta, and The Daily Telegraph. This sort of thing must simply not be allowed to happen!”

There is an argument that the other countries are merely protecting themselves from the mutated strain of covid currently sweeping the UK. SARS-CoV-BREXITUS has infected every corner of the UK, and EU countries in particular are guarding against it.

This does not even begin to mollify Rules.

“Why are they calling it the Brexit Virus?” he gasped incredulously. “Brexit is the best thing since sliced bread. I will not be muzzled, I want to superspread Brexit through the whole of the EU so I can keep all my dodgy investments hidden and buy up collapsing assets to boost my portfolio!”

So it’s all about evading scrutiny and making personal gains?

“It’s to stop the woke do-gooding lefty activist EU from poking their big noses into British business,” claimed Rules haughtily. “So how dare they retaliate by closing their borders! It’s a one-way thing. The British act, and the rest of the world tugs its forelock and follows suit. That’s how it’s always been. You would think these countries haven’t heard about The British Empire yet. Why doesn’t somebody just tell them that we are in charge?”

Meanwhile the rest of the world gets on with business as normal.

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Stranded lorry drivers to be given replica Blue Passport to take home as souvenir

LESS USEFUL THAN A POSTCARD : GREAT NEWS TODAY THAT DOWNING STREET HAS FOUND A WAY TO MEND BRIDGES THAT MAY HAVE BEEN DAMAGED BY THE LORRY QUEUE IN KENT.

Later this evening Boris Johnson is to dress up as a lorry driver and visit the 1000’s of stranded EU27 truck drivers. Whether or not Carrie or Dylan will accompany him isn’t yet clear. But either way it promises to be a heartwarming occasion.

“But that’s not all,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “he’ll be bringing each one of them a gift. A token of our appreciation for their choice to stay in Kent this festive period.”

The token will be a replica British Blue Passport which they can take home to remember their working holiday this side of the Channel.

“It will certainly bring a smile to their faces to meet the actual Prime Minister of the United Kingdom,” the source continues, “essentially Churchill reborn. But to add to the charm offensive, the replica passports will find a home in every fireplace, no matter which EU27 country the driver eventually returns to.”

It was initially thought the best way to say thank you, you’re welcome, would have been to rapidly roll out mass testing to convince EU authorities that the drivers wouldn’t be bringing home the new mutant Covid we’ve bred especially in the UK.

“That idea was abandoned because most friends of serving cabinet ministers have already jetted off to the private islands they bought with the proceeds of PPE contracts. So who the hell would you gift the contract to? Hence the passports.”

The only potential snag in the plan is a little trouble getting the replica passports to Kent in time.

“They’re being manufactured in Poland by the same French company that makes the real passports. But the trucks that would bring them to the UK are currently stuck in Kent.”

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Downing Street reclassifies The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse into Tiers

A BRITISH FIRST : GLOBAL BRITONS MAYBE MOSTLY STAYING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS but that doesn’t mean there aren’t new British landmarks to celebrate.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson is expected to ruffle up his famous vanishing blonde mop later today and set the podium out to make an announcement.

“He’s decided to reorganise the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse into Tiers,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, exclusively, “after the success of plague under the current Covid-19 Tier system, it’s felt sensible to expand that across his entire style of government.”

The reorganisation of the famous riders will bring clarity to the country at a time when it is needed.

“The horsemen will also be given a contemporary look. By which I mean they’ll now be sporting solid Union Jack patterns. This will build on the work done repainting the PM’s plane, Airfarce One.”

But we understand there’s still more, as he’s also adding a fifth horsemen.

“This has been the subject of heated debate. Adding a fifth horsemen is a proud moment for the UK under Johnson. Some wag suggested Brexit should be the fifth horsemen, but that sent the ERG into a frenzy at the heresy. They threatened to set up yet another of their world beating research groups. And no one has time for all that. In the end it was decided that Lorry Queues in Kent would be the fifth horsemen. We’re just trying to nail down one word now as its handle before the press conference.”

But while the reclassification of the riders is itself long overdue, the adding of the fifth maybe controversial for the flailing prime minister, as he is likely to be unable to accurately state how many of the new fifth horseman there are. Looking at Kent it’s definitely not just a single rider, there appear to be hundreds of them.

“I wouldn’t worry about that. It’s not like they’re going anywhere. The fifth horsemen are all stuck in Kent.”

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Boris Johnson rejects COBRA advice that he attempts to govern the UK sober

DON’T PANIC : THE UK IS FACING ITS WORST CRISIS SINCE ELECTING BORIS JOHNSON PRIME MINISTER, WIDELY RECOGNISED AS A DISASTER IN ITSELF, BUT NEVER FEAR, COBRA IS HERE.

Shortly before 6am this morning the contingencies committee that deals with national emergencies was convened. It was joined by the Prime Minister, who forgo sleep to finish off that fourth bottle of Chateau Margaux 1996 and see what all the fuss was about.

“We are facing an unprecedented national crisis,” chair of Cobra, Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander, opened the meeting, “it appears the French can understand English. And if we shout for days that we have a mutant strain of Covid and that’s it for Christmas, it will cause a reaction in Europe which could affect travel and trade. Total curve ball.”

The revelation that what is said in the British press can be understood across the Channel is thought to be a serious crisis, given that no patriotic Englishman bothers to learn French. Or any other inferior, foreign language these days.

“Perhaps if we talk more quietly?” Matt Hancock is believed to have whispered.

“We need to go back to talking in Ancient Greek,” the prime minister is believed to have suggested, before farting and falling asleep. Sleeping the rest of the meeting away, occasionally mentioning the names of former mistresses in his sleep.

This was the key point in the meeting and neatly displayed the PM’s genius at leadership.

“He handed us the answer and let us work it out for ourselves,” Dan later told LCD Views, “simply genius. Although whether or not our recommendation that he attempts to govern sober will be taken up is anyone’s guess. He’s still asleep.”

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Government confirms Tier 4 households can still congregate for Xmas “if they go to Barnard Castle”

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN : DOWNING STREET have confirmed today there are a few loopholes in the new Tier 4 CV-19 restrictions.

“Always read the fine print,” advised a random cabinet minister – who voted for the Withdrawal Agreement last year, before later threatening to rebel once he’d read it.

The exception is believed to have been made because of the mystical, healing powers of Barnard Castle.

“It sorted Dominic Cummings’ eyes right out,” the minster added, “and he’s such a wanker it was thought he was permanently blind! So if it can do that, there’s a good chance the powerful aura of the ruins will prevent Covid-19 transmission.”

But to be clear that there are no breaking of the rules all households planning to get together at Barnard Castle must drive themselves there in the family car.

“This is to leave the trains empty for Tory MPs breaking the rules and leaving London for Christmas. They need space around them in transit, as they’ll almost certainly have the virus.”

The Barnard Castle exception is good news for families who may have rashly believed the prime minister’s promises that Christmas would be saved, hours before he butchered it for millions.

“We don’t want all that food and drink going to waste. We need everyone good and fat to enjoy the tangible, inedible benefits of Brexit in January.”

But public health officials have suggested that the Barnard Castle exception will just add more harm to the damage done by Dominic Cummings in the summer. Before throwing up their hands and giving it up altogether because no one in Downing Street ever pays attention in time anyway to avoid disaster.

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Royal Mint confirms new £10,000 note will be released in time for Brexit price rises

CASH ‘N CREDULITY: Rishi Sunak wants you to spend those savings today, as you’d expect from an inheritance millionaire, playing at being a Chancellor in a time of economic crisis. But he has taken steps to make it easier for you.

Today the Royal Mint has confirmed a fabricated rumour that a new £10,000 bank note will be released in time for Brexit price rises.

“The “Boris” is blonde in colour, and will be vegan so all British citizens can eat it, when the note becomes worthless as a means of exchange by late summer.”

But not everyone is happy.

A group of hard line Tory MPs have already set up a “Big Note Research Group”. But it’s not the actual size of the new denomination, or why it maybe needed, that is their concern.

“Vegan? VEGAN?!&*” a member of the group screamed down the phone, before hanging up.

And there are other unique changes to the “Boris”. For the first time the Queen will not feature.

“She’s been replaced by a Spitfire,” the Mint confirms, “as that iconic feat of British engineering has replaced everything else now in the national psyche, due to its irresponsible use in English nationalist propaganda.”

It’s not clear at this stage what the likely exchange rate for a Boris will be, although some suggested a hill of beans.

“What we don’t want to see,” the BNRG phoned back to say, “is it being worth less than 10,000 Euros. Clearly if the EU tyranny don’t peg their currency to the pound from 1st January 2021 it will be a deliberate act of sabotage. Because they don’t like our status as a free and sovereign trading nation. And not because we’re a bunch of deluded nostalgia freaks fuelled by dark money to trash the UK economy. After which we will bring back feudalism.”

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Tangible benefits – Kent sea of trucker pee to be collected to make gunpowder

SOVEREIGNTY IS GOLDEN : A dramatic event in the man made maritime English region of Kent has led to a boost for Brexit Britain’s self-sufficiency.

While news media outlets (chasing sensationalism) have blasted out alarmist stories of gridlocked truckers filling Kent to overflowing with wee, few have bothered to look for the tangible benefits.

Happily a group of Conservative MPs called the PRG (Pee Research Group) have set themselves up (at taxpayers expense) to look into how this bout of collective micturation can be to the advantage of Global Britons.

“Traditional British firepower has always been in an Englishman’s todger,” Roger Dulltree, MP for Wessex, told LCD Views, “and once again as we wave our willies at Europe we will be showing them a full barrel.”

The robust statement is well backed up, just like the truckers in Kent, by the ability of England to return to the traditional method of making gunpowder.

“Brown Bess wasn’t fired with a Frenchman’s pale liquid,” Dulltree continues, “or a German’s darkened flow. No. Traditional British musketry was primed with the byproduct of patriotic wee!”

The recommendation to begin collecting the inland sea, and the chemicals contained within, to make gunpowder has been welcomed. But not only by the suddenly aquatic residents of Kent.

“When Englishmen go to war over fish against the French next year,” a 10 Downing Street source said, “they will be fired up with patriotic powders. Take that Frenchie! You just try and blockade Dover! You’ll only be giving us more firepower!”

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Dover lorry queue now visible from International Space Station

BY BREXIT’S WORKS WILL WE BE KNOWN : THE STAR STUDDED PERFORMANCE OF THE UK since 2016 has really caught the attention of everyone on Earth.

But now as the lorry queues grow at British ports even the astronauts orbiting our spinning ball of hot rock are starting to pay attention.

During the standard call back to Earth last night, astronauts aboard the ISS reported that the UK had changed.

“The unicorn has been at the centre of England for a few years,” Astronaut Buck Rodgers told LCD Views exclusively, “and there’s been an even bigger elephant that’s normally to be found next to it. Although that was missing last night? We’re presuming somebody ate it. The whale is always off the coast somewhere. That’s because every night John Redwood sings to it. But there’s a new wonder to be seen from the heavens now.”

And the new wonder of modern Britannia is the ever growing queue of trucks backed up behind Dover.

“It’s impressive. We normally look out for the Great Wall of China, but I can tell you the Kent lorry queue is even bigger. I’m blown away. It takes some serious effort to take a JIT RORO based economy and completely shaft it like this. Amazing leadership.”

Speaking for the government, Dominic Raab, was having none of it.

“This just shows the importance of being a free and independent, sovereign country,” he told LCD Views, “the fact that an international terror group like ISS are targeting the UK from Space, shows the transition period can’t end soon enough.”

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Jacob Rees-mogg to lead children’s crusade to food bank

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO : JACOB REES-MOGG ISN’T TAKING THE POLITICAL POSTURING OF UNICEF LYING DOWN.

Having already admonished the UN’s do-gooders-in-chief for interfering in the right of British Christian CONservatives to starve British school children, he’s now stepping it up a gear and taking the fight to the children.

Shortly after midnight, as Rees-mogg was getting up and leaving his crypt for the day, he announced his intention to lead a children’s crusade.

“It promises to be quite uplifting,” Rees-mogg told his mirror, which was free of all reflection.

The crusade will start in Southwark in London and conclude at the nearest food bank.

“There the children in our holy procession will be allowed to see the food they can have if they work hard enough,” Mr Rees-mogg told the sprites and demons that hop around him.

After viewing the food in the bank it is believed he will lead the children in prayer, before showing them how to both count and lend money.

And that is not all, one lucky child will be selected to receive a book written in Latin which advises how to make money from distressed economies.

“It will all be over by dawn,” a familiar of Rees-mogg told LCD Views, “as he must be indoors before the first rays of sunlight begin to push through the streets of London like searching fingers of fire.”

It’s hoped the crusade will be sufficient to inspire in the destitute children the kind of energy and aspiration that will allow them to strive for a better accident of birth.

“Clearly if the children had any common sense they would already have begun chimney sweeping, toshing and praying to make their own way in the world. But Jacob is prepared to guide them, for the meek will inherit the earth. Literally the earth. The dirt. If Jacob has anything to do with it.”