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OxfordAstraZeneca team begin work on a vaccine against Gavin Williamson

EDUCATION MATTERS : THE TEAM THAT PRODUCED ONE OF THE COVID 19 VACCINES have announced they are already hard at work on a new research project.

It seems the international collective, based in Oxford, are not satisfied with merely vaccinating against CV-19, they aim to go one better.

“We’ve turned our attention to Gavin Williamson’s disorder,” one of the researchers told LCD Views, “he’s had nearly a year to make schools safe to teach in and has done bugger all but mouth off like the little squirt he is. It’s causing chaos and harming the life chances of millions of kids. Not to mention the stress and danger to teachers, and the broader community. Essentially he is a virus in the educational system. We aim to cure it.”

It’s believed one of the main vectors for Williamson’s is British Exceptionalism.

“He was made a minister based on how readily he toadies up to the bigger, more popular boys, and internally he’s inadequate enough to pledge loyalty to Brexit. But now he’s in office it’s produced an undeserved feeling of Exceptionalism, which is essentially the protein spike on the scrap of rudimentary RNA that is Gavin.”

It’s believed in order to stop the damage caused by Williamson it will be essential to get him to “go away and shut up”.

“We think the vaccine will probably be like a mirror. But one he has to look into. One that adheres to his stupid f*ck#ng eyeballs until he crumbles under the weight of self reflection and crawls away into a corner like the spider he keeps to impress the girls. That ought to do it.”

We would like to wish the team speed and success. British Exceptionalism is stopping our entire government realising how inadequate they are. Cute is needed fast.

And as for serial incompetent Gav? We’re sure there’s a special fireplace in Hell set aside for him.

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Recording of Big Ben to play tonight to mark Brexit because actual bell is too f*ck#ng embarrassed

BREXITING ON EUROPEAN TIME : 10 DOWNING STREET HAVE CONFIRMED TONIGHT THAT A RECORDING OF BIG BEN WILL PLAY AT 11PM (GMT) TO MARK BREXIT.

It had been hoped that the famous bell would toll to mark the end of the United Kingdom in person, but there are reports of trouble getting it to comply.

“The bell is not happy,” an insider in the Elizabeth Tower told LCD Views, “it is closely associated with British democracy, one of the symbols of the Mother of Parliaments, and after yesterday’s sham in the Houses of Parliament it has declared enough is enough and refused to cooperate.”

Why a mere few hours of debate on the legislation affecting the final act of Brexit was unacceptable to the bell isn’t yet clear, as that is now the democratic standard in the United Kingdom. More power to the executive and less for elected representatives. It’s what the reps voted for after all. Mercifully their pay and conditions are unaffected.

The embarrassment of the bell’s refusal will definitely come as a surprise to Brexiters, who are all idiots.

But happily recordings of the famous bongs do exist and one will be played to mark the time the UK regains the sovereignty it never lost. The time chosen is midnight across the channel, so 11pm GMT. Because nothing better symbolises the UK’s new status as a global powerhouse than following European time in its first symbolic action.

“The only concern is keeping the bell safe from Tory parliamentarians. Mark Francois wants to ring it with his head. Which can’t be allowed as no one would hear the bell over the reverberations in his cavernous skull.”

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UK’s CV-19 Tier system voted “world’s most aspirational”

VIRAL GOLD STANDARD : FANTASTIC NEWS FOR MATT HANCOCK TODAY AS THE WORLD BEATING UK TIER SYSTEM HAS WON A GONG.

The success for the Tier system is a first, as previously it had seemed useless at anything much at all, except slowing the spread of CV-19 to politically sustainable levels.

“That’s because of how slow we react to the viral spread,” a source unreliably claiming to work with Hancock told LCD Views, “not to do with inherent flaws in the Tier system. It’s designed to give the public the impression that we have Covid-19 under control, when clearly we don’t. But most are buying it hook, like and sinker, so on PR terms, it’s definitely holding its own.”

The actual award has been given by the little known Guild of Viruses.

“The Guild of Viruses also include bacterial representatives. They’ve been awarding trophies for horrific responses to diseases since the 14th century. But this is the first time the Tier system has been up for a prize. We’re very proud.”

The most noticeable facet of the Tier system is the thing that catches the eye of critics, and the Guild’s eye too.

“It’s an incredibly aspirational system. Any area of England can start in Tier 1 but rapidly progress through all the levels to Tier 4. It’s exceptionally impressive. And it puts paid to the efforts of those excitable countries that just decided to eliminate Covid-19 early this year. Completely useless countries for PPE contracts. And full of old people! Just cluttering up the housing market. No. We will stick with Tiers until the entire country is in tears.”

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Boris Johnson to lead U.K. in rendition of “It’s a Lovely Day Tomorrow” from steps of Downing Street

LIVE FROM CLOWNING STREET : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is to lead the UK in rejoicing at the passing of his world beating Brexit deal tonight.

At 8pm this evening he will emerge like a victorious Roman general, replete in toga, with his betrothed on his arm.

A specially adapted Spitfire x Harrier Jump Jet will hover over the famous address and relay the couple’s stirring rendition across the capital. It is thought that even Dylin the prop dog will join in to add a little bit of family comedic flair to the event.

“Big Ben will bong too,” a 10 Downing Street aide told LCD Views, “with Mark Francois, freshly out of hiding, hitting his head against the famous bell. The sounds of the echoes inside his head will reverberate patriotically in time with the song.”

The choosing of a Vera Lynn song to mark the UK’s triumphant passage of its entirely symbolic legal hurdle is thought to be a fitting tune, given how closely associated all those who fought in WW2 have made themselves to Brexit.

“After the rendition the Prime Minister will lead a procession to the House of Parliament and take his place in the new throne that has been installed where the Speaker’s Chair used to be.”

But the cameras will pan away and fade to black at this moment, so Mr Johnson can have a private moment to laugh at all the MPs who turned up today to provide legitimacy for a world beating act of democratic vandalism.

“Remember, Boris Johnson always promises you a lovely day tomorrow,” the aide winked, “even why he’s trashing everything you hold dear today.”

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Larry the Cat to vote against Brexit deal because he wants more fish

NO SARDINE IS BETTER THAN A BAD SARDINE: A government rebellion is under weigh. Cabinet heavyweight Larry the Cat is spitting furballs over Boris Johnson’s Brexit deal.

Fish is the issue. Specifically, fresh fish six times a day. Proper British Fish, and not that continental rubbish.

“I can’t let this pass,” purred Larry. “I need my fish. It’s been a long running campaign. I have been jumping on Boris’ bladder at three in the morning every night for months now, just to remind him of how important this is.”

Larry stretched himself luxuriously, and rubbed himself up against the facsimile of the Venus de Milo, that Wilfred had created all by himself. The statue fell over and the arms broke off. Larry curled up, unconcerned.

“I even got Dilyn involved,” Larry remarked. “As long as you throw him enough sticks, he’ll agree to anything. Same with most Tory MPs to be honest.”

It looks like the bill will pass, though. The ERG have agreed that it is Sovereignty compliant.

“Sovereignty compliant?” growled Larry. “What the hell does that even mean? As far as I am concerned they are a disappointment. The other parliamentary pets engaged in a guerrilla campaign to change their minds. Every night, one of them would poo in Bernard Jenkin’s shoe. The message could not have been clearer!”

He paused to lick his bottom.

“You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get through their thick skulls,” he mewed. “I have personally yowled outside Boris’ bedroom door every morning at 5am, while Dilyn has been shredding every cushion he can find.”

But Larry’s campaigning has been in vain.

“He promised me fish,” said Larry. “But all I get is Lidl own brand stuff out of a tin. He promises everything but delivers very little. I’ve had to resort to catching pigeons!”

Larry is demanding that his fresh fish clause is inserted. The claws are out. And if Johnson retracts the clause, Larry has vowed not to retract his claws.

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ERG approve Johnson’s deal after he reassures them he has no intention of honouring it

WOULD YOU BUY A USED CAR FROM THIS MAN : THOSE STALWART MEN AND WOMEN WHO KNOW NUFFINK ABOUT EUROPE, THE ERG, HAVE BACKED JOHNSON’S DEAL.

The support of the ERG was confirmed today after a meeting of their Starfish Chamber.

It will be a great relief for the British prime minister who is currently somewhere, doing something with someone, and wouldn’t have wanted to break up his extended seasonal jollies prematurely.

With the support of the ERG in place parliament can reconvene happy tomorrow in voting for a foregone conclusion. Not that what they think about the deal matters.

But some are surprised by the ERG’s support for a deal that effectively breaks the U.K. into three different customs zones. How does that square with the desperate attempt to be as sovereign as a man who decided he wanted to start screwing around on the missus, but still get to screw her too?

“Classic Johnson,” an ERG spokesman told LCD Views, while attending a ceremony to drown a bag of puppies. “We’re well up for it. Now we can continue to take taxpayer money and spend it on puppies. And not on researching Europe.”

Good news indeed.

“And besides, we got the best reassurance we possibly could out of the prime minister. He asked us to consider his record and had he ever honoured any agreement once he’d put his name to it?”

No research group required to answer that one!

“Indeed! It’s easy to support him over this deal to get us out of the EU, as he has no intention of honouring it. Which is why none of us need bother ourselves with understanding what’s in it!”

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Dominic Cummings leads crusade of British quarantine busters from Swiss ski resort to safety at Barnard Castle

SLIPPERY SLOPE : FOR THE STRANDED BRITISH JET SET SKI SET IT LOOKED LIKE HARD TIMES WERE AHEAD AS THE TYRANNICAL SWISS GOVERNMENT IMPOSED A TWO WEEK QUARANTINE AT THEIR RESORT. But all was not lost.

“Help was at hard for frantic British skiers during the Christmas period as many faced having to spend two weeks holed up in terrible conditions in the Swiss Alps,” our man in a snowplow reports, “but just as they were settling down to tears over fondue a hero emerged from the blizzard of Covid.”

That hero is reported to be none other than oddball, weirdo, civil service and trade smasher Dominic “Eye Test” Cummings.

“While the identity of the rescuer has been confirmed eyewitnesses report a man in a bobble hat with a serious chip on his shoulder flinging over the doors of the cosy mountain cabins and telling the comatose Brits to follow him.”

It’s unlikely that Covid-19 is mutating in the Alps so there is absolutely no chance that the hero has brought home any unexpected duty free.

“From the moment of rescue I knew we were safe,” one of the fortunate said on the condition of anonymity, “I can now wander freely around my village secure in knowing that if I have Covid-19 I did not get it here.”

But freedom won’t be quite so speedy as first Mr Cummings will perform rigorous medical checks.

“The exceptional Brits are being housed by Mr Cummings at the seat of his power, Barnard Castle, and all will be given eye tests before release to make sure they’re safe to drive whatever mutation of Covid they may have home. You don’t want an accident on a motorway when you’ve got coughing to do in Waitrose.”

There were rumours that Mr Johnson was considering sending the SAS in to rescue the unjustly imprisoned Brits from their hell hole snow prison but for the moment, they can stand down.

“No one keeps a Brit from his liberty,” said another rescued skier, “I was starting to feel incredibly hot under the collar in Switzerland. I still do, but I’m sure that’s just the excitement of being home and in the security of the world beating British Tier system.”

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Brits ordered to begin training British fish in hand to fin combat

GILL ME STRENGTH : DOWNING STREET HAS ISSUED A DIRECT COMMAND TO ALL PATRIOTS TODAY, AND THAT MEAN’S YOU.

“All Global Britons, of able body, and sane mind, are ordered to head to the British coast,” the edict reads, “and begin training individual British fish in hand to fin combat.”

The instruction is believed to have been issued in order to make British fish ready for the post Brexit reality slamming into the UK like a comet on Jan 1st 2021.

“This is the hour of need for British fish and everyone must step up to the plate.”

It’s not clear at this stage if chips and tartar sauce will be on the plate.

But what is clear is the threat faced by British fish, who are all at constant risk of being caught and eaten by someone who isn’t British. Even if most of the fish caught by British fishermen are not eaten by Brits. That is neither here nor there in the hour of need of British fish.

“In time, with dedication and commitment from the land based warrior race that is Britons, British fish will be able to fend for themselves. But for now they need you.”

What martial art each Briton should train its chosen fish in isn’t stipulated, but it’s heavily suggested that Ecky Thump is the go to art. This will be a significant boost for the British armament industry, in particular the black pudding manufacturers.

“Britain is a serious country for serious people and your leaders are serious.”

It is hoped in time specially adapted marine Spitfires will be produced and the fish can form squadrons of flying fish to take the fight to the forrins.

“Britain’s fish need you! Do your part! Don’t be sat there with an empty plate while a foreigner dines in your plaice.”

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Fine Print – Yorkshire Puddings to be renamed Brussels Puddings under terms of EU deal

ALWAYS READ THE FINE PRINT : THE ERG are said to be on the warpath after someone read the fine print of the deal agreed between Johnson and the EU, and told them what’s involved.

A key cause of outrage appears to be the agreement between Johnson and Brussels that Yorkshire Puddings will be renamed Brussels Puddings from the 1st January 2021.

“It’s essentially an exchange of hostages,” an insider involved in negotiations on Planet Zaarg told LCD Views, “with Brussels sprouts now Yorkshire sprouts, Johnson had to give something back as a show of good faith.”

But all is not lost as the deal is up for review in a few years time, and any facets believed to be detrimental can be discussed again.

“To be frank Johnson has no intention of sticking to the agreement. He just couldn’t be bothered dealing with the truck crisis when he was supposed to be getting hammered for several days solid between Christmas and New Year. Hard to see why the ERG are so upset. To be honest. Which none of us ever are in Downing Street.”

But what about red wall voters? Surely they’ll see the renaming of puddings as a great outrage?

“Look, Boris can claim next year the EU tricked him and continue trading on manufactured outrage. It’s all very neat.”

Any other surprises in the deal?

“One by one you’ll see how you’ve been played,” the insider smirked, “but you’ll have less power over the outcome of the deal than Wallonia. Which has the PM splitting his sides! Ha! Besides, wait until you next buy British fish and chips and have to read the accompanying literature first which explains how it’s derived from European origins. The red tape is just beginning. But you’ve got your sovereignty back.”

But shouldn’t Downing Street find out what voters in Yorkshire think? They will now have to refer to that stable of the English Sunday roast as “Brussies”.

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about them. The prime minister doesn’t.”

Certainly sound advice which every area of the U.K. can take as a guide.

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Boris Johnson attends opening of first “Four Seasons Total Landscaping” outlet in London

THE GREATEST SALESMAN ON EARTH : WORLD BEATING snake oil salesman, and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson has kicked off the traditional Boxing Day sales in central London.

While most global Britons were still sleeping off the turkey cocktails and rubbing bellies filled to bursting with roast champagne yesterday, ever restless Mr Johnson was hard at work.

“That’s because he hasn’t gone to bed yet,” an aide to the Clark Kent of international retail told LCD Views, “he had a whole crate of Chateaux Margaux 1996 to work through. There’s no going to bed until the job is done.”

And the job on Boxing Day is to open one of the newest, most vigorous political outlets.

“He brought the first English franchise of Four Seasons Total Landscaping off Donald Trump earlier this month and there’s no better place to situate the outlet than 10 Downing Street.”

What will be sold by the hucksters of international feudalism is eye catching indeed.

“He’s kicked off with some impressive giveaways. He’s given Gibraltar back to the Spanish and NI to Ireland. Norway is said to be interested in Yorkshire, out of a sentimental attachment that reaches back to the early Middle Ages and it’s likely he’ll give the entirety of Scotland away as soon as sales flag later next year.”

But the opening of the outlet at 10 Downing Street isn’t the only change coming to the famous postcode.

“There are plans to convert No 11 Downing Street into a crematorium for the country’s finances, or a dildo shop to reflect the flexibility of the creative economics that goes on inside there. It’s just a matter of deciding which.”