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Donald Trump Memorial Presidential Library to contain only shredded documents

READ IT AND SHRED IT : GREAT NEWS TODAY for patriots with US flag emoji’s in their social media profiles, all over the world, with the announcement of the final plans for the Donald Trump Memorial Presidential Library.

The Presidential Library is a tradition to honour outgoing US presidents and is intended to symbolise their commitment to learning and the sanctity of accrued human knowledge.

“The Donald Trump library will be no different,” a White House insider tells LCD Views, “it will perfectly symbolise Mr Trump’s personal commitment to the classics. In this case the classics of office equipment, and of course crayons.”

The office equipment alluded to will be paper shredders.

“The paper shredder has long been a stalwart of the type of businessman, and lately president, that Mr Trump has been. So the library will have displays of the evolution of this vital device. Starting of course with a plaster mould of Mr Trump’s hands, as they were his very first shredder.”

Life size plaster mould of Donnie’s hands?

“No. Clearly that would just make them harder to find. The display will be three or four times life size.”

But it’s not just the machines, and busy little hands, that will be in the tower shaped library. Millions of actual documents from Mr Trump’s time in office will also be stored.

“In boxes, on the shelves, but not categorised. It will add to the fun for researchers visiting the institution.”

Special tables will be provided for people to tip the document piles out onto and they can then spend hours piecing it all together.

“Visitors will be encouraged to tweet out their discoveries as they go, it’s going to be just the greatest visitor experience.”

And what about the crayons? Will Mr Trump’s art feature on the walls?

“No. Sadly Donald ate all the documents he personally produced, pretty much always in the moments after he completed his mark making.”

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BREAKING : Man size pacifier delivered to White House in emergency mission by Marine One

DUMMY FOR A DUMMY : The skies over Washington DC have been busy overnight as the US President’s helicopter, Marine One, was called into action on an emergency mission.

News that big baby Donnie has still not slept through the night since the confirmation of his election loss is believed to be behind the vision that people gathered beyond the fencing surrounding the White House witnessed.

“The UFO appeared in the sky shortly after 1am,” our Washington correspondent reveals, “with the searchlights on top of the White House lighting up what at first appeared to be a large circular object moving erratically through the sky.”

But as the object approached closer to the White House what it was became clear.

“A dummy,” our reporter continues, “which in American currency is called a pacificer.”

And a pacifier is certainly needed, with outgoing President Trump understood to be raging around the historic building and refusing his bottle.

“Melania is shattered. She’s been unable to get him to settle for days. Even threatening a screen ban hasn’t worked. Which is a shame, FOX pivoted in the winds has only made his tantrum worse.”

Hopes are the pacifier will at least give Mr Trump’s primary carers a few moments of silence.

“It’s burger flavoured,” our correspondent adds, “so there’s hopes he will at least suck on it as hard as his he’s taking his defeat. If this doesn’t work they’ll have to call for Super Nanny. Or perhaps just sedate him with a tranquiliser gun. All options are still on the table.”

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Boris Johnson expected to grant Donald Trump a peerage in New Year’s Honours list

LORD DRUMPF OF HOTAYRSHIRE : The fake news printing press is never cold where Boris Johnson and Donald ‘Gonad’ Trump are concerned, and there’s no news more fake than this article.

Which is not to say it isn’t true. And rumours this morning that Boris Johnson is expected to elevate his buddy across the pond, Donald Trump, to the House of Lords in the New Year’s Honours List are only fuelling the speculation of what’s to come.

“Just because the Queen won’t have to host another Trump state visit, doesn’t mean our aged monarch is completely rid of him,” our international correspondent reports, “with Mr Trump expected to be on The Queen’s Honours List as 2020 grudgingly gives way to its sequel.”

What party affiliation Mr Trump will take in the UK’s second chamber isn’t clear, with the automatic assumption he will take the Tory whip undermined by the associated rumours regarding Mr Trump’s plans.

“It’s thought that once Mr Trump is dragged out of the Oval Office he will flee to the UK, hence the news about his elevation to the House of Lords. But, and this is the important point, he’s expected then to run for the leadership of UKIP. That said, it won’t make him the first UKIP peer, because the Tory Party is now UKIP. But for appearances sake he may nominally take the UKIP whip, because he will be the whip.”

And the Lordship of Trump raises additional queries about who will be Lady Trump.

“Potentially one of the Melania’s, but it’s always possible they will have divorced him before it occurs. In which case his daughter will most likely be Lady Drumpf.”

But Lord and Lady Drumpf of where?

“Ayrshire, due to Trump’s ownership of a golf club there,” our correspondent confirms, “however the area will change name to accommodate Lord Drumpf and become Hotayrshire.”

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John Redwood accuses John Major of not wanting to control British fish

SWIMMING IN TREASON : INTERNATIONAL MAN OF THE SEA JOHN REDWOOD, ALSO APPARENTLY AN MP AND NOT JUST AN APPARITION, HAS FIRED A SHOT OVER THE BOWS OF THE TRAITOROUS AND FISHY JOHN MAJOR.

The reason for the furore appears to be the former prime minister’s nearly treasonous view of the powers of the mighty British state, as concerns fish.

“I advise Mr Major to read the Magna Carta,” Redwood is believed to have tweeted, while he was warming up to write (in running writing) to Mr Major, “in particular Clause 7.1b-34 part 3, which specifically details how any fish in British waters belong to Britain in perpetuity.”

The apparent lack of understanding of the founding text of British suffrage by Mr Major may well explain his failure to grasp the extent of contemporary power of Brexit Britain.

“One has to wonder what an Englishman is for,” Mr Redwood is understood to have began his actual letter to John Major, “if it is not about vigorously controlling fish. Be they cod, plaice, sole or halibut.”

The letter is reckoned to go on for several pages before reaching its tumescent climax.

“I have no other recourse but to accuse you of not wanting to control British fish. I expect you to present yourself at a re-education camp forthwith, with toothbrush and jimjams, and prepare for a lengthy stay. I also demote you from John Major to John Corporal, so others may learn from your grievous error.”

Mr Redwood then went on to write a letter of warning to President Elect Joe Biden. And there had never been a greater waste of paper.

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Joe Biden to convert the White House nursery back into the Oval Office

THROWING THE TOYS OUT OF THE PRAM: And then putting them away tidily. New President-elect Joe Biden has a bit of tidying up to do before normal service can be resumed.

The once-hallowed Oval Office has been redecorated during the Trump tenure. The walls have been covered with childish drawings and star charts. One such piece of paper (believed by experts to be a spelling test) reads “Person, Woman, Man, Camera, TV”.

There is a jar of instant coffee on a desk littered with crayons and empty Big Mac cartons. The label has been torn off, and replaced with the handwritten legend “Covfefe”.

To one side is a garish pink plastic dressing-up table, decorated with unicorns (believed to be a gift from the minders of his transatlantic cousin, Boris Johnson).There are unused tubes of make-up everywhere, and in every colour – except orange.

Biden’s henchmen are already eyeing up other possible alterations. The sign on the door will have to go, as it currently reads “Donnie’s room”.

“There is much work to do,” sighed representative Amanda Lukupto. “We believe that Trump chose the Oval Office as a playroom because it didn’t have any horrid corners to bash his little hands on. We would like to force Donald to clear up his own mess and put his own toys away, but unfortunately it looks like he will just get Rudi Guiliani to chuck a lawsuit at us instead. So it looks like the grown-ups will have to do it after all. He will lose his phone privileges for a week, though!”

That would be no bad thing, given the increasingly deranged tweets the alleged President has fired off recently. “STOP THE COUNT!” was one surplus vowel from being the most immense self-own we have yet seen.

The whole operation may take months, and be very expensive. In fact, it may prove simpler all round to lock the door (with Trump still inside) and convert the genuine White House nursery into a replica Oval Office.

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Donald Trump becomes the first serving US President to enter the Witless Protection programme

MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN : BREAKING NEWS TODAY AS THE TEMPER TANTRUM OF DONALD TRUMP’S END OF REIGN TAKES A SURPRISING, AND HISTORICAL TURN INTO SILENCE.

“Shortly after midnight Donald Trump’s Twitter account fell silent,” our White House correspondent says, “and it wasn’t because he had been sedated with just the biggest dose of Calpol and put to bed with a clean nappy, as suggested at the time by many.”

The reason for the silence was the President seeking the protection of law enforcement out of a concern for his safety, now he has lost the most powerful office in the world.

“There’s no suggestion he has sought to protect his family,” our correspondent continues, “although it is believed he may have taken his favourite Melania lookalike with him, along with a supply of Big Macs.”

Why the President would seek protection is not yet clear and we will not spread fake news hypothesising on the subject.

“This is truly a world first by Mr Trump. Richard Nixon sought a pardon and left office with as much dignity as he could manage, in the end. But most wrongly expected Mr Trump to be dragged out kicking and screaming at the very end.”

How long Mr Trump will stay in protection isn’t yet clear and will probably depend on the attitude of his creditors, both visible and shady, to his debts.

“But let us be clear. This is a world first by Mr Trump. He has become the first serving President of the United States of America to enter the Witless Protection Programme, after spelling Witness wrong on his application form.”

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Boris Johnson changes his name to Boris O’Johnson to win over Joe Biden

THE SPINNING TOP : OUTGOING UK PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has moved swiftly to leverage his special relationship with the new government looming across the pond in America.

While most lesser commentators expect Mr Johnson to have a frosty relationship with the administration of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris, some are quick to point out that Mr Johnson can change his spots faster than a leopard.

“Many supposedly learned political obsessives have already declared that Boris Johnson’s friendship with Joe Biden is dead in the water, at launch, due to his history of thinly veiled racist comments about Barrack Obama, cosying up to that sociopath Trump, and complete disregard for the welfare of the peoples of Ireland,” our in house hero notes, “but they underestimate the lengths Mr Johnson will go to in the service of self preservation.”

And those lengths are gesture deep. Because that will work.

“He’s not having his usual Sunday morning lie in today,” we ramble on, “he’s already with his lawyer drawing up the deeds needed for a legal change of name. Quite the diplomat. World beating in fact.”

The ramped up move is the addition of an O’ to his surname.

“Later today, after the necessary paperwork has been processed Britain’s prime minister will be Boris O’Johnson. A move that will wash away the stains of years of short termism and politically leveraged racism. Not to mention his colonial approach to peace in Ireland. And as an extra move, that video footage of him refusing to shake hands with black supporters at a Tory Party event will be erased from all social media platforms. There is no lengths Mr Johnson will not go to to keep the special relationship special.”

It’s understood that Dominic Cummings will also be changing his name to Dominic O’Goings, just as soon as Mr O’Johnson gets up the courage to tell O’him.

Change is coming, and not just to America.

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Nigel Farage dumps a bucket of dead fish into the Potomac

GIVE A MAN A FISH and he will throw it back into the river. Teach a man to fish for publicity, and he will repeat the same stunt, over and over again.

Fisherman Farage famously flung fish into the Thames to make a point. Infamously, Farage cares so much about fish and fisheries that he actually attended one out of hundreds of Fisheries Committee meetings held during his tenure as an MEP.

Now the global rentagobshite has nailed his colours to Donald Trump’s fake-tanned mast. So he has recruited his former fishy friend Kate Hoey to throw American fish into the Potomac River to boost Trump’s re-election bid.

The trumping twosome commandeered a river boat and set off to make their lone protest, with only a hundred news teams in attendance. Hoey was resplendent in fishnet stockings and sou’wester, while Farage rolled up his trouser leg to reveal that he, too, was wearing fishnets.

As Hoey’s ermine joined Farage’s old man tie in fluttering on the breeze, the piscatorial potatriots searched for the bucket of fish. They eventually found it, buried under a mound of discarded fag ends.

“Right, chaps, have you got this?” foghorned the frog-faced fish fancier. The American news men, amused by the English idiom (idiot?), focussed their cameras.

“I say! On a count of three, I’ll give it the old heave-ho,” Farage continued, to muffled sniggers. “One, two, three, and away!”

A hundred shutters clicked, and plenty of phones captured the act for that low-fi street recording vibe.

A sad cascade of unwanted fish hit the water, as the not very merry crew wondered how the hell to get off the Codforsaken boat and into the nearest bar.

Classic Dom may throw dead cats on to the table. Fishy Farage throws dead fish on to the water, then drifts aimlessly, the media men having long departed, in an apt metaphor for his entire career.

Farage is, of course, just a prawn in a much bigger game.

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Bum squeak in 10 Downing Street heard throughout London as Biden/Harris victory looms

CLENCH AND DON’T RELEASE : BORIS JOHNSON’S INTERESTS IN THE BUMS OF YOUNGER LADIES IS MORE USUALLY THE SUBJECT OF DISCUSSION ACROSS MAJOR NEWS NETWORKS, THEN MR JOHNSON’S BUTT HIMSELF. BUT EVENTS IN AMERICA HAVE CHANGED ALL THAT.

Shortly after lunch time Friday a major disturbance was recorded in central London.

“The windows shook. The dogs hid. The cats looked offended. At first it was assumed that someone was letting off fireworks, but then light dawned,” a 10 Downing Street staffer told LCD Views, “it was Boris Johnson’s bum squeak.”

The squeak, recorded on richter scales across the UK, is thought to be “world beating” and potentially the largest English based bum squeak since the Suez Crisis of the mid 1950’s.

“I wouldn’t be surprised if there’s aftershocks,” the staffer continued, “most of the Johnson government’s plans are prefaced on the assumption that Donald Trump would retain power in America and the trans-Atlantic neo-feudalist, kleptocratic syndicate continue on its merry way reshaping the English speaking nations of the Northern Hemisphere into a golden age not enjoyed since the early 14th century, in terms of inherited privilege. But Biden/Harris winning changes all that. Biden/Harris don’t like Boris.”

Why they don’t like Boris Johnson and his mega mind Dominic Cummings is a matter of mystery.

“If you’ve had your head in a bucket.”

If you’ve had your head in a bucket.

“I’d say it would be a good idea to move fragile items off tables and secure your windows and mirrors,” the staffer adds, “anytime today Boris Johnson’s tech trainer, Arcuri, her twitter timeline and all the batshit crazy stuff on it related to the US election is going to break into the UK press. Along with some rather more substantial British-American dalliances, as the machinery of US government and law enforcement begins its realignment.”

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Johnson faces revolt as Tory MPs demand passwords to their Twitter accounts to delete anti-Biden memes

WHAT WHO ME : OUTGOING BRITISH PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON IS FACING FRESH strife TODAY as Tory Party MPs demand access to their Twitter accounts.

Shortly after lunch time GMT, as news broke that President Elect Joe Biden and Vice President Elect Kamala Harris had taken the lead in Pennsylvania, feverish MPs began to gather outside 10 Downing Street. And usually, it wasn’t Covid-19 that had them hot under the collar today.

Social distancing rules were tossed aside as the gaggle of frantic meat puppets banged limply with lettuce fists on the famous black door to No 10.

“Is the password MAGA2020?”

and,

“Is my password OvenReadyIdiot?”

MPs were heard shouting, but they received no answer from inside.

“More fool them,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “thinking that Boris would actually be inside. He’s in a grace and favour property, or Tuscany. Or on a date. Anywhere that says holiday and nowhere that says work.”

But fools or not, worried MPs they are. As it’s unlikely they’ll be winning hearts and minds across the pond with the faecal stained timelines that have their mugs above them.

“So what if their timelines after littered with alt-right propaganda targeted at Joe Biden? It’s not their accounts. We can put what we want out in their name. Hell, one or two of them even do it for themselves. The ones we really trust. The exceptionally stupid.”

Whether or not the MPs will be successful in giving their social media accounts a fast colonic isn’t yet clear, but they want to hurry up, as the defeat of Donald Trump spells bad news for the trans-Atlantic, neofeudalist, kleptocratic network.

“Dominic Cummings will keep posting on their timelines whatever he likes,” the source added, “if he’s going down they’re all coming with him.”