Posted on

Boris Johnson to relaunch his relaunch after opening his mouth during his relaunch

SILENCE IS GOLDEN : The people’s prime minister, Alexander de Prattle Boris Johnson, is set for a relaunch of his public persona “Boris” later this week, after aborting the launch of the relaunch that was abortively launched at the start of this week.

“He’s super excited, he can barely even focus on his arts and crafts at the moment. Even ‘In The Night Garden‘ is struggling to hold his concentration,” the Prime Minister’s aide told LCD Views.

This week’s first relaunch was timed to follow neatly on the departure of Dominic Cummings, who departed 10 Downing Street after doing all he could to destroy the future.

“Boris hasn’t even mentioned Dom this morning, he is completely unfazed whether or not Dom goes through with his threat to retrain as a ballerina or not.”

Wether or not it will be possible for Johnson to keep his mouth shut when he relaunches the relaunch at the end of the week is anyone’s guess.

“Those comments about Scotland are being badly misinterpreted,” the aide reassures, “devolution is a great movement. As soon as it goes fast into reverse it’ll be even better. The Jocks love Boris. You’ll see.”

I think we already have seen.

“And anyway that hardly matters. Boris Johnson’s job is not really prime minister. He’s the Tory Party fluffer. His real purpose is to be verbal viagra for the chaps and you can be sure as long as he’s in position they’ll stay leaning to the right and hard.”

Posted on

Nicola Sturgeon invites Boris Johnson to go on speaking tour of Scotland

KEEP YOUR ENEMIES CLOSE : FIRST MINISTER OF SCOTLAND, NICOLA STURGEON, HAS PULLED A BLINDER TODAY and invited outgoing Prime Minister of England Boris Johnson to Scotland.

The surprising move is said to be part of an overall strategy ahead of next year’s elections for the Scottish Parliament.

“You should never look a gift horse in the mouth,” a spokesman for the First Minister told LCD Views, “and there’s no greater gift horse to the cause of Scottish Independence than Boris Johnson.”

The tour will take in the length and breadth of Scotland, with Mr Johnson booked to talk in cities, towns, villages and even isolated crofts.

“We want Mr Johnson’s message to be heard loud and clear before next year’s election. Given the pivotal nature of the election, coming just months after the tangible benefits of Brexit are really felt in Scotland, we think it only fair to give Mr Johnson a chance to capitalise on his achievements at the ballot box.”

Whether or not Mr Johnson will accept the offer isn’t clear.

“We are having a special train built for him,” the spokesman continued, “with an airtight, but well ventilated fridge compartment. And inside the compartment is a sensory deprivation tank. Mr Johnson will feel like he’s at home for the entire time.”

But some are suggesting the invitation is actually a cunning trick to lure Mr Johnson into talking, and drive the cause of Scottish independence to fulfilment.

“Now that’s just crazy,” the spokesman replied, “a great orator like Mr Johnson will have no trouble swaying any Scottish voter on the fence over independence into making an immediate decision.”

Posted on

Donald Trump to stand in for Johnson at PMQs

MAKE PMQs GREAT AGAIN: The American-born blond buffoon supposedly in charge of the UK is self-isolating, conveniently enough. So in his place this week will be the American-born blond buffoon supposedly in charge of the USA.

The covid restrictions prevent Trump from actually appearing in person. So the exchanges will be conducted over Twitter.

Keir Starmer will issue forensic, searching questions in 280 characters. Trump will reply in deranged block capitals.

The questions themselves will not matter. But that’s traditional for the Johnson administration. And Trump is more than capable of conducting an argument in an empty room.

True to form, Trump is getting his responses in early. In his paranoia he is anticipating personal attacks. “PRESIDENTIAL HARASSMENT!” he boomed. “WE WILL TAKE ON THE LABS, AND WE WILL WIN AGAIN!”

Owning the Labs was only one of his preoccupations.

“MY GOOD FRIEND BORIS IS SICK!” he asserted. “AND HE IS DOING A VERY GOOD JOB INDEED! THE WICKED LEFT SHOULD SHUT UP AND SHOW SOME RESPECT!”

Somebody must have reminded Trump that there is still a pandemic going on, because the rage virtually leaped out of the next offering.

“TRUMP BEAT COVID! COVID BOWS DOWN TO TRUMP! IT’S A HOAX BUT WE BEAT IT ANYWAY!”

And, err, Brexit. It’s still going on, although the British negotiators have barely progressed beyond “You lost, get over it”.

“WE WANT A DEAL, WE WANT THE BESTEST DEAL, AND TRUMP IS THE MAN TO DO THE DEAL!” he boasted in an uncharacteristically lucid manner “BUT THE EU IS SLOW AND UNDEMOCRATIC. SAD!”

Back to standard Trump. What is an ex-American president, who should be packing his bags, doing standing in for the Prime Minister of the UK?

“I WON THE ELECTION!” he screamed, the disbelief palpable. “TRAITORS! TRAITORS EVERYWHERE! WE ARE ON THE SAME SIDE! LONDON IS IN AMERICA! MAGA! MAGA!”

And with that, the tweets stopped. It looks like Starmer might have to battle with the towering intellect of Dominic Raab instead.

Posted on

British fishing industry told to relocate to flooded Kent lorry park

SLIPPERY WHEN WET : THE CORNER HAS BEEN TURNED TODAY for the beleaguered British fishing industry after the government accelerated plans to make it more British.

In order to do this the entire stock of British fish will be relocated to within the actual landmass of England.

“This is not to say this is just an English nationalist cause,” a spokesman for 10 Downing Street told LCD Views, “the entirety of these islands will benefit from photos of British fish safe and secure inland.”

But while the government is using terms such as inland to describe the move, that’s not entirely correct.

“It is correct to say that while the fish will be moved inland, they’ll still be in water. So no one has anything to fear. Additionally, it will make the future of the industry even more secure as fishermen will be able to find them much easier. And importantly, the French won’t have a chance because from 2021 they won’t be able to enter the country. This is what taking back control of our fish means in reality.”

But critics have pointed out that in order to catch the fish inland British fishermen will need to move their boats inland too, and given that the site of the new camp is in Kent, many will need Kent Access Permits to get their boats inside the newest of British overseas territories.

“It will all be worth it. The plan was always to leave the EU and catch as many fish as fast as possible, without thought to sustainability, and this accelerates the scheme to one massive, one off pay day, after which everyone goes broke.”

And where exactly will the British fish be relocated to, inside Kent?

“The flooded Kent lorry park of course. It’s not like anyone is going to be daft enough to send a lorry across the Channel to Blighty from 2021. They’ll never get the bleeding truck home again. This is a perfect example of adaptable thinking at top of government. And you’re welcome to it.”

Check. Change. Go Bankrupt. The future is certain.

Posted on

“UK doesn’t need to trade with anyone to make a success of Brexit” – Minister

WHOA WHOA WHOA THERE : REASSURING NEWS FOR ANXIETY SAVAGED BRITS TODAY after George “Useless” Eustice did his turn on the Sunday morning chat shows, and soothed everyone over the availability of various dairy products post Brexit.

The Secretary of State for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs was face to face with that notorious verbal pugilist Andrew Marr who came out swinging over dairy products.

“Look, when I was standing in a field the other day, wondering if it was my office? I saw a fine bull standing against the horizon,” Mr Eustice soothed, “his tits catching the late afternoon sun, and I thought what a splendid beast. We should genetically engineer bulls to have more tits, so there’s no milk shortage, should the dairy sector collapse completely because of Brexit.”

Clearly a man with a plan, and willing to share his thought on it.

“When I invented the idea of placing screen doors on submarines,” he sailed on, “everyone told me I would be mad to do it. But I did it anyway. That’s the spirit of Brexit. And has anyone seen any of our submarines since? I bet you haven’t. No one can even name the Defence Minister. It shows you how we’re making a success of it.”

But it seemed Mr Marr wasn’t completely satisfied, so he came at George with a slow right hook regarding tariffs.

“You’re just getting silly now Andrew. As the inventor of motorbike ashtrays, inflatable dartboards and handbrakes for canoes I can promise you today that if we don’t have any trading arrangements agreed with the EU after Brexit we simply won’t do it.”

Won’t do Brexit? – the question came from an abruptly ashen Mr Marr.

“What? No. You’re getting confused. We won’t trade. We’re definitely doing Brexit, and we’re going to make a success of it. But we don’t need to trade with anyone at all to make a success of it. And before anyone suggests it, we’re not completely barking mad and in the thrall of dark interests. We’re one nation conservatives.”

Posted on

Plan to relaunch Boris Johnson into the face of the Sun gets green light

NATIONAL EFFORT : THE BRITISH AEROSPACE sector has received a welcome boost with the announcement of a plan that will see billions invested and fast.

The industry was suffering the jitters as a result of Brexit, but with homegrown guts and can do it will all be alright.

“We’re going to relaunch Boris Johnson,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “what with Dom now gone, kinda, we believe it’s time for Mr Johnson to reset and lift off as the people’s prime minister.”

Although it’s not clear if Mr Johnson’s infectious popularity wouldn’t have just bounced back off its own bat, the new team advising the saggy old chap have decided to make sure.

“We’ve been focus grouping all weekend to find out what’s the best way to relaunch Mr Johnson and we’re actioning the most popular suggestion.”

This suggestion appears to be “launch him into the face of the Sun”.

“Drop him into the sea” was also popular, alongside of “ritual sacrifice in a volcano to end the pandemic”.

“We don’t have any active volcanoes in the UK currently, so while it would make great theatre to use some sort of tripwire device to deliver the PM into the inferno, it’s not a goer. But the Sun is right there just asking for it.”

And there’s no concern that the alleged exit of the Vote Leave gang will see the team bereft of a slogan.

“Check. Change. GO!” the aide grins, “that’s perfectly suitable for strapping the bloated old ram into a rocket powered ejector seat and launching him from College Green.”

Posted on

Downing Street deny Russian sub sighted off Kent coast is there to collect Downing Street SPAD

BRITAIN’S VERY OWN KATYUSHA LAUNCHED INTO ITS FACE : DOWNING STREET ARE IN DENIAL MODE TODAY, so not much different to the manner of government of any day post 23/06/16 (and maybe before then too).

As news broke this morning that what has been (provisionally) identified as a Russian submarine surfacing BRIEFLY off DOVER, Downing Street was denying it had any knowledge of the vessel, almost as soon as it was sighted.

While Tory MPs with military backgrounds were busy fizzing over how the lapse in national security could have occurred, seemingly oblivious to the cuts they’d been part of making to the armed services for a decade, Downing Street’s spokesperson was already out of the blocks.

“We know nothing about the alleged appearance of the Russian submarine in the Thames, near to Westminster bridge in half an hour,” the spokesperson said, “it is definitely not here to collect to Dominic Cummings, his work complete.”

But while everything Downing Street says must be taken at face value, some are querying the veracity of this statement.

“The Russian Parliament, or Duma, has already published its list of recipients for The Hero of the Russian Federation medals for 2020 and there’s a certain chap from Yorkshire on it, his famous shoulder chip well weaponised. That’s if we got it right when using Google translate. So it does make one think.”

Others are turning to Mr Cummings’ own writings to find evidence of his involvement, before giving up in despair at how such a prize arsehat could have been allowed to have so much influence over the UK for so long.

Posted on

Trump offers to sell presidency to Biden for $1.1bn, a pardon and a life supply of Big Macs

POTTY POTTED POTUS : US PRESIDENT FOR LIFE, DONALD TRUMP, has made a surprising return to the headlines today after holding a press conference in the Oval Office.

The president was filmed late in the night, Washington time, sitting on a fold up picnic chair in a room that was otherwise surprisingly empty.

“I got the best prices!” Mr Trump told the assembled reporters, “the Resolute Desk? Kennedy paid too much for that. What sort of loser pays the asking price? But I sold it for millions. Millions. Because I’m a genius. And the paintings? You’ve never seen paintings sell on Ebay so fast.”

But while clarity over what has happened to the possessions of the most famous office in the world was welcome, that wasn’t the reason Mr Trump had invited in the press.

“Let’s get down to business,” the said abruptly, before standing and doing that weird ass dance of his that makes one think of American Psycho GIFS.

“I’m going to make an offer to sleepy Joe and if he’s awake he should take it,” Mr Trump continued, “it’s clear that I had a massive victory in the election held last week. Just the biggest victory. Bigger even than Obama’s. And while I know the American people want me to stay president for life, I’ve got to go and set up a rival cable news network and destroy FOX. I’ll do this easily while fending off numerous legal attacks from all levels, hiding from my creditors, concealing my medical conditions and TWEETING IN CAPS.”

That much is obvious.

“But Joe can be president. I’ll let him be president. Why not? It’s someone else’s turn. Just so long as he keeps my stupid children in the White House, pays me $1.1bn, so I can pay back Deutsche Bank, and pardons me for all the crimes I don’t admit to, and guarantees me a life time supply of Big Macs.”

Posted on

Priti Patel wins coveted ‘Theresa May Award for Compassion in Government 2020’

IT TAKES A SPECIAL TOUCH : THERESA MAY made her mark on the cultural and civil landscape of the United Kingdom, before returning to the backbenches to glare balefully at the entitled little shits she helped elevate to power. But that’s not the sum total of her work nowadays, she’s also the founder of ‘The Theresa May Award for Compassion in Government”.

The award, dished out annually, is intended to celebrate politicians who continue Ms May’s legacy.

“Clearly hate is a prized asset for potential recipients,” our awards specialist notes, “if you can punish people based on accident of birth, while having the power to do the opposite, you’re in the running.”

Myopic vision. Low emotional IQ. Cunning. Sociopathy. Hypocrisy. A love of imagining vulnerable children crying. These are all seen as assets whenever it’s time to decide who will get the gong this year.

“We call it the Bleeding Heart, that’s the award’s nickname. Let no one tell you Theresa May doesn’t have a sense of humour! Just look at her sterling efforts with the Go Home Vans.”

And the winner of the award for 2020 certainly has all the required attributes to win the Bleeding Heart, and some would say, more to offer still.

“It’s the work she is doing with refugees that really focused the award committee’s one lone, roving eye onto Priti Patel. To be able to drive through such a pitiless policy, such an agenda devoid of historical memory for the horrors committed on others in decades past? That is some achievement.”

But there will be a change this year when Ms Patel stoops to collect her award.

“We’re going to have the crowd involved at the moment Priti wraps her hands around the coveted bleeding heart. The entire audience is going to shout in unison ‘We had a whole world war about this and everyone was invited!’. It’ll bring that touch of irony for which the British are famous.”

Posted on

Dominic Cummings to leave Downing Street after job of ‘Mayan Priest ensuring good harvest’ came up

DOMOLYPTCO : They say all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy, but they don’t say that about blog svengali Dominic Cummings.

“He maybe leaving 10 Downing Street the moment the Brexit whirlwind hits, entirely as predicted by anyone with half a brain cell, but that doesn’t mean he’s going to be idle,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views.

“And it won’t just be editing old blogs to predict that Remainers would sabotage his glorious bird of Brexit, each flap of its wings in 2021, he’s got a new job already lined up.”

And the new job appears to be that of a religious functionary. A high priest. A zealot capable of excluding all contradictory evidence from their eyes.

“They say do the work you love and now that Dom has finished dismantling the modern state, and set the UK on course to disintegrate, he’s going to reward himself by making vocation and vacation one entity.”

The actual job is believed to be that of “Mayan Priest Overseeing a Good Harvest” and is described as a “post for someone who relishes human misery, but is always mindful of the need to ensure next year’s crops are plentiful.”

The work will involve a variety of costume changes and moments of high public exposure, which will suit Dom down to the ground.

“Not to mention the screams of the mere mortals as he raises the obsidian blade over their chests.”

Yes, not to mention that.

But why, after all he’s done over the last few years, why doesn’t Dom just have a good ol’ rest and enjoy the smell of cinders, and the ashes of Brexit?

“There is no rest for the wicked,” the source explains, “I thought that was obvious?”