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Donald Trump denies knowing or ever having even met Donald Trump

THE USUAL SUSPECT : THE OUTGOING US PRESIDENT appears to have gotten himself embroiled in some minor legal problems, and as a result many of his officials are running for the hills.

And hot on the heels of those first out the gates is no less prominent individual than Donald Trunp.

It’s believed the move may have been prompted by some top drawer legal advice from the legal eagles behind the Four Seasons Total Landscaping press conference.

“No one wants to be caught dead standing next to Donald Trump when the music stops on January 20th,” our Washington correspondent reports, “and that includes Donald Trump.”

The move by Donald Trump to distance himself from Donald Trump will not come as a surprise to anyone who has loosely followed the career of Donald Trump.

“Trump is also expected to revert to an earlier form of his family surname, Drumpf, in the expectation the change will throw law enforcement officials off his scent.”

Other Trump family members are expected to follow the lead of the President, with Donald Trump’s sons likely to go further than their father and disguise themselves as pot plants, raising their IQ’s considerably in the process.

“The President will be issuing a statement later today confirming he does not know and has never met himself,” our correspondent adds, “which will actually be an incredibly honest statement.”

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Tory MPs undergo mass hypnosis to forget they illegally prorogued parliament

LOOK INTO MY EYES : THE SCUFFLE ACROSS THE POND ON CAPITOL HILL HAS LED TO SWIFT AND CAREFULLY MEASURED CONDEMNATION FROM THE UK’S LEADING CONSERVATIVES.

But that is clearly not good enough, given it appears that the Tories great ally Donald Trump may have stuck his sticky, bitty fingers into a sedition pie, before licking them clean.

So it seems the need to keep calling out Trump&Sons will not be abating swiftly. This leads many government MPs in a bind, given how many of them expressed effusive support for the Orange Peril.

“We don’t do unconscious bias training,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “but we do do amnesia training. We do it to a world beating standard. Wait, what are we talking about again?”

And before anyone forgets what they’re about it’s amnesia training today, tomorrow and whatever comes after yesterday.

“The main problem we face centres on the need to condemn Trump while not appearing to be hypocrites, in light of all the playful stuff we’ve done ourselves.”

This is a reference to lying to the Queen and illegally proroguing parliament and the ongoing accumulation of power without accountability by the executive? Oh, and the expressed desire to trash judicial review so the government can’t be held to account for lawbreaking?

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Amnesia. For the Torykip Brexit project to succeed it will need to be gold standard.

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Nurseries are safe confirms government as “small kids unlikely to show symptoms of CV-19 they carry home”

THERE WAS AN OLD WOMAN WHO SWALLOWED A COVID : REASSURING NEWS FOR ANXIOUS GLOBAL BRITONS TODAY AS THE UK BECOMES THE MOST INFECTIOUS COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

While secondary schools and primaries have closed because of the danger of transmittinh Covid to teachers, other staff, students and thus the broader community, nurseries have remained open.

“This is because we build them tough in Brexit Britain and it is vital the smallest children don’t miss out on their first lessons about WW2. It’s the foundation of the entire school curriculum,” a source liaising between the departments of Health and Education told LCD Views.

But announcing a lockdown and keeping nurseries open has led some unpatriotic types to query the inconsistency? But our source has the answers to reassure you.

“It is the case that secondary schools were safe until they weren’t,” the source acknowledged, “and it is the case that primaries were also safe until they weren’t. Personally I blame the last Labour government, they should have done more to make the school infrastructure Covid secure. But we are where we are.”

And where we are is that nurseries are apparently completely safe.

“This is because the smallest of children are unlikely to show the symptoms of Covid infection, thus making them safe. If people don’t see symptoms in other people then they probably won’t know who infected them. Track and Trace certainly won’t let them into the secret either! Ha!”

Following the path of the pandemic. The UK government. From cradle to grave…

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Boris Johnson to illegally prorogue parliament again to prove he’s not like Trump

POUNDSTORE TRUMP : The UK’s prime minister is under pressure today to prove there’s a lot of clear water between him and wannabe US dictator Donald Trump.

”Many have unfairly compared Johnson to Trump and even suggested they maybe related. Boris being born in New York and all. But that rumour is not under discussion today,” a 10 Downing Street aide told LCD Views. “And it is not of consequence that if you fast forward Johnson twenty years you get Trump. Probably right down to the fake tan, given what climate change will do to the U.K. Bigly.”

But what is under discussion are the following similarities.

Contempt for democratic process. Disregard of international treaties. Serial adultery. Lying as a default way of doing politics. Utilising racism for political ends. Dodgy Russian connections. Inability to empathise with the suffering his policy choices cause. Always promising a better tomorrow while making sure that can’t happen today. Mad hair as a symbol of madness. Flag shagging. Overseeing a raging pandemic, when it could have been avoided. Supporters making a lot of money in said pandemic. Loss of international standing.

“Wow! Hold on. Before you mention children. Johnson hasn’t caged them. He’s just happy to starve them. So that’s different. And one more thing that proves they aren’t the same.”

Which is?

“Boris Johnson did not attempt to close down the legislature by encouraging a mob of social media radicalised loons to invade it. He simply illegally closed it. Much classier. And to show how exceptional we Brits are he’s going to do it again, just as soon as he thinks he can get away with it.”

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WORLD BAFFLED! As noted man of action Donald Trump fails to lead charge on Capitol Hill

WHO WILL SAVE TRUMPANZEEOCRACY : DISTURBING scenes from Washington DC tonight as actual democratic process continued its coup to legitimately change the government of the United States of America after a free and fair election.

As the US Senate sat to confirm the election of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris there was a wave building, which may seem rather small in hindsight, but seems pretty bloody big today.

A rabble of MAGA beanie wearing Trumpers, encouraged by Donnie Drumpf and some of his ridiculous allies, took matters into their own hands.

“We can’t have the government change hands in line with the constitution,” one told LCD Views, speaking through an interpreter fluent in idiot (gullible mark dialect), “we have to do something. Mostly that means run around Capitol Hill, steal some furniture and get arrested.”

Police struggled to hold back the loyal Trumpanzees as they were faced with a situation where lack of foresight was clearly one of the most visible features.

But the tragic and farcical scenes did eventually raise a question that had no immediate answer.

Where was the Commander in Chief of MAGA? Where was the Grifter in Chief himself? Why wasn’t he leading the charge to save American democracy from democracy itself?

“He would have been here,” the idiot told us, “but it’s his bone spurs see? They can strike at the most inconvenient times. Like they did over and over during the draft for Vietnam.”

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Dido Harding features on milk cartons as concern over disappearance deepens

THE £22 BILLION POUND WOMAN : Police and community groups are appealing for the public’s help today after the disappearance of Covid tsar Dido Harding continues deep into the new year.

The vanishing of Dame Dido Harding does not seem to have particularly concerned the government, which is not unusual, as billions have already been handed over in private contracts.

Some would say she has served her purpose. But we are not doing the sums.

“We may attempt to use the world beating Track and Trace system built by Harding to find herself, but there’s some concern it doesn’t function properly and any leads will come too late to be useful,” a Met spokesman said.

In the interim the public are warned not to approach Harding, should they spot her, but to phone a number at the Department of Health that will go straight to voicemail.

“It’s very important Harding is not startled. She may vanish into the scrub again if she is. We need to locate her urgently, so if you see her, just keep walking.”

But there is an anticipation that no less eminent figure than Matt “those men who died on those beaches” Hancock will shortly get involved.

“Dido needs to be located,” an aide to Hancock told LCD Views, “as she’s the best person to organise the races at Cheltenham. Hang on, maybe she’s there? Mucking out the stables?”

In other news, the public is increasingly hopeful of an actual resolution to the deadly Covid crisis, otherwise this year’s racing festival may well be interrupted…

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Public warned to stay indoors as new mutant strain of Boris Johnson dithering worse yet

THE STRAIN OF JOHNSON : Testing times for Britons as scientists announce they have identified an even more severe strain of dithering at 10 Downing Street.

“We advise the public to stay indoors whenever possible,” lead researcher at the Institute for the Study of Kakistocracy told LCD Views, “this new mutant strain of prime ministerial dithering is even more infectious than the previous ones, and they were bad enough.”

Of course not everyone can take the precautions necessary to protect themselves against the mutant Johnson.

“If you work in the NHS we suggest you remember the claps of last spring and summer. It’s unlikely you’ll be offered anything else as the PM maybe too busy listening to his backers to worry about you. Except when he needs to play dress up in a medical setting.”

The more deadly dithering will also increase the risk for supermarket workers and public transport employees, as the enforcement of vital measures such as masks is not on the radar at Downing Street.

“If you have to of necessity be in lose contact with members of the public we advise you to hold your breath while on shift. It will do wonders for your ability to swim laps of pools underwater should the blessed day ever arrive that Brits can go overseas again.”

But one of the sectors most impacted by the dithering strain is of course education. Teachers were told to prepare for in class teaching and to additionally prepare mass testing regimes, and then abruptly told to do it all online.

“It’s okay. Eton is fine,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “the rest of the children, the plebs? It’s really not that serious what happens to their education. You can tell that by Gavin Williamson being Education Secretary. I mean no one who cared about the sector would do that!”

There is one ray of hope though, as the vaccinations for CV-19 are currently being distributed.

“if you’re under 70 you should receive your vaccine before 2029. In the meantime just stay home and take comfort from the growing number of Union Jack flags behind the PM.”

Whether or not there will be a specific measure taken to deal with the dithering is down to the actions of the Tory Party. So everything is going to be just fine.

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Boris Johnson says while schools must close tomorrow “Jurassic Park” will stay open

VIRAL DIVERSIONS : THE BRITISH PRIME MINISTER IS TO OFFER sound reassurance, and opportunity, to the tireless parents of this once great nation this evening, even as he ruins their children’s education.

“Some have said the government should have prepared the state sector to go digital long ago, properly financed, resourced and staffed the education system. But then, what would be the point of Gavin Williamson?” the PM will say, before laughing maniacally.

“He’s there to ensure the poor oiks stay in their place. No. No. Let us not worry about their extended festive holidays. Let us encourage them to play.”

And play a plenty it appears is what’s on the order paper, as the PM is to announce an exception to the order closing adventure parks and playgrounds across the land.

“Jurassic Park will stay open!” Mr Johnson will exult, “and parents who don’t know what to do with their children are encouraged to take them there for a day out. Schools may have turned in the 24 hours since I was last on Marr from the safest nurseries in the land to dangerous pits of disease, but the famous dinosaur fun park will stay open! It is perfectly safe for you and your children there.”

Although there was one note of caution.

“Probably best to leave the grandparents at home though, as they can’t run very fast,” he will advise, “but for everyone else the velociraptors will ensure there is plenty of social distancing.”

Go Out. Protect Yourselves. Happy Hunting!

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PM to announce “Operation Cheltenham” tonight – as fears grow for racing calendar in year two of Covid

FURLOUGH THE FURLONGS : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is to address the most pressing concern across the United Kingdom this evening when he addresses the nation at 8pm.

While some nanny state minded types are handwringing over education and protecting the elderly, those with their finger on the real pulse of the nation’s elite are concentrating on more important matters.

“It is vital that we end the pandemic in time for the 2021 Cheltenham Festival,” the Prime Minister is expected to say, “while at times I have felt like Atlas struggling to hold an entire orb of Covid aloft, when it comes to kicking off the racing calendar I am to throw off the toga and become like Speedy Gonzales!”

He is expected to go on to pledge that a great national effort is called for “once more upon the beach, dear dad!” to end the pandemic once and for all.

“It is a race against time now to see who will win as we enter the closing stages. In the next few months everyone in the UK will have received either a shot, half a shot, something vaguely resembling a shot of a CV-19 vaccine, or caught Covid-19. Certainty is upon us! Let us lift up our faces to the heavens and drink in the rain of plenty! Tomorrow is a better day! Regardless of what I did to ruin today! Ha!”

To ensure the pandemic is wrapped up and the money banked by various vested interests a special task force will be set up.

“If necessary I will take personal control of Operation Cheltenham, but I have, for now, instructed Track and Trace to locate Dido Harding and she’s going to have first crack of the whip at it!”

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VAT Free Tampon to replace Lion on U.K. Coat of Arms

TAKE THAT EU : Amazing news for freedom loving, patriotic, Global Britons today with the announcement of sweeping changes happening across the U.K., thanks to Brexit.

And it’s not all just catch up to things Germany and France have already done, curiously before the U.K. completed Brexit.

The latest big announcement today is a change to the country’s symbols. With the UK’s coats of arms seeing amazing changes. Not just the Royal Ones, all the useless ones too.

“From midnight today, GMT time, a VAT Free Tampon will be added to all coats of arms,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “bit of a scoop for you to hear it all first. Don’t leak it. But when you do say a Downing Street source told you.”

But if something is being added something else maybe coming away?

“Yes. The lion is out. Because that’s a bit bloody French. So the tampon will take its place. A great British invention, completed just the time for Brexit. Take that EU!”

And to ensure that the EU really can’t miss this dramatic symbol of UK’s new status as a sovereign equal, the PM himself is involved.

“Tomorrow BoRiS Johnson will dress as a patriotic, Union Jack coloured tampon and roar at France from the White Cliffs of Dover. Being sure not to get run over by an earthmover obviously. We don’t want his eminence lying down in front of one!”

And for sticklers to tradition there is reassurance it’s not all change. The Unicorn is staying.”

“As nothing better symbolises Brexit than a fantasy animal with a horn on its head.”