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“My government is cracking down on fresh fruit and the causes of fresh fruit” – Boris Johnson 11/01/21

DIGGING FOR BRITAIN : U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson continues in his ramped up and world beating attempt to see just how crap you can be as a government and just carry on.

As part of the experiment he has already dramatically reduced the rights of the non-millionaire class, while having Priti Patel constantly boast about it. And he got to just carry on.

This solid play at kakistocracy has been equalled by overseeing the worst Covid-19 response on the planet, even though it’s clear by international comparisons that we did not have to pile high death mountain. And still he just gets to carry on.

But it is becoming harder to punish a willing public, as he is working with the results of 10 years of Tory austerity, which is both a blessing and a curse of yours attempting to harm your country. And just get to carry on.

But he is clearly up to the task as week two post his great Brexit deal ably demonstrates.

First the fishermen starting going bust, and Johnson just gets to carry on. And now he’s really putting the acid into Petri dish U.K. To see if he can just get to carry on.

“He’s doing this by overseeing massive supply chain failures, a direct and foreseen result of ripping the U.K. supply lines out of the 21st century,” a Downing Street source celebrates.

“The supermarket shelves are starting to empty as predicted by anyone with even the faintest knowledge of the reality of modern trade, and what non-tariff barriers will do. This is because you maybe able to mentally transport yourself back into the 1970’s, but you can’t do it to your entire economy. Scurvy is next. That will be the crux of our experiment. Will we just get to carry on being the government? Let’s find out.”

And to signal that the U.K. has now entered the scurvy stage of Mr Johnson’s government experiment, Mr Johnson will give a speech.

“He will tell everyone exactly what is happening,” the source confirms, “searching for limes will at least take peoples attention off dying of Covid!”

And the speech will draw on a classic, as is Mr Johnson’s want.

“He will say he is cracking down on fresh fruit, and the causes of fresh fruit.”

And judging by experience so far, he’ll just get to carry on.

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Downing Street says new “homeopathic vaccine” plan will see entire U.K. vaccinated by Sunday

TAKE THAT BRUSSELS : The unelected tyrants in Brussels are reeling today at just how superior the thinking is in newly liberated Brexit Britain.

“It will teach them to throw us out of the clubhouse against our will,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “they can eat our dust. Look at us fly.”

And flying Brexit Britain is, and nowhere more clearly than the race to vaccinate against Covid.

“We were famously first to approve the Union Jack for use on vials of vaccines developed by international collaboration,” the source continues, “and we’re first to establish vaccine super centres so Global Britons can gather together and queue in the race against the killer virus. Think of the sense of community as you congregate? And it’s a good day out. Much better than popping down to the pharmacy or your local GP surgery. Hardly a chance of finding new people to reminisce about WW2 doing it locally.”

But the next strategy to be the first to vaccinate the entire population will leave the Brussels gang gobsmacked.

“This week we are going to step it up an extra world beating gear and begin our homeopathic vaccine play,” the source confirms, “each local authority will be under instructions to pay a major corporation to send a sub-contractor around to the local water supply station with a single vial of patriotically packaged vaccine.”

This sounds truly world beating.

“Then a series of other sub-contractors will perform one task after another until the vaccine phial has been broken and poured into the water supply. Next time you drink a glass of water you’ll be fully protected in a way only Brexit Britain can.”

Genius. Whatever will they think of next!

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Brexit MPs hit out at EU’s stubborn refusal to return to 1970’s with U.K.

SMOKE ME A KIPPER TIE: Brexit supporting MPs are unhappy with EU intransigence. This time it’s the refusal to regress to the 1970s with us. 

If you remember the 1960s you can’t have been there, goes the cliché. Unfortunately the 1970s were so dire, that those who were there have tried desperately to forget. 

LCD Views takes grim pleasure in reminding those who fought in two world wars, but can’t remember what the UK was like only 45 years ago, of the facts. 

Everything was orange and brown. Everything. Wallpaper, carpets, clothes. Everything. 

Lapels, ties, and trousers became so wide, that in a brisk wind you could be blown away. 

Platform soles. Say no more. 

Want veg, fizzy drinks, fish & chips? You had to know which day the van came round. 

The three day week, strikes, and power cuts were a regular source of entertainment. It was better than the TV, which only had 3 channels and Bernard Manning was always on. 

Strangely, there were not many Brexit loving MPs willing to endorse the reclamation of the title “The sick man of Europe”. They were lining up to blame the EU, however. 

“We wouldn’t be in this mess if the EU had simply rolled over and given us what we wanted!” spluttered Brexity MP Stan Dalone. “But they insisted, undemocratically, to remain in the 21st century. Don’t they know that we are British, and the British know best?” 

Dalone spent a good minute huffing and grumbling under his breath, before continuing. 

“We didn’t have decent wine, mobile phones, or reliable cars back in the 70s, but we survived!” he blustered. “Made men of us. Brexit will put British lead back into your pencils, your pipes, your paint and your petrol!” 

And off he went in his Austin Allegro, with Slade blasting out of his 8 track, and smoking Capstan Full Strength. 

Five minutes later he was back. “Give us a push, mate, damn thing’s broken down again.” 

But remember, this is nothing to do with Brexit… 

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Famous CV-19 rule breakers to atone in public to encourage compliance

THE THREE AMOEBAS : Tangible benefits can be gained in public health crises by prominent individuals strictly adhering to the rules.

In Brexit Britain rules are for fools, which in part explains why the governing class are so terrible at following them. Rules have consequences. But consequences are only for the hoi polloi.

To make amends to what is now a mass deadly situation three of the most prominent CV-19 rule breakers are to atone for their sins in public.

Starting on Monday Dominic Cummings, Stanley Johnson and Cardinal Mogg will go on public display throughout England and apologise for the harm they’ve wrought on health messaging.

“Sometimes they will act as a trio and other times independently,” a member of the organising committee told LCD Views, “but at all times their message will be clear and concise.”

Cardinal Mogg is expected to kick off the campaign by dining on humble pie outside Traitor’s Gate at the Tower of London. The meal timed for low water so he doesn’t float away.

“Next up will be Stanley Johnson who will demonstrate how to wear a mask outside an underground station, much in the manner of an air stewardess before take off.”

When that is done he will go to the nearest supermarket and stand at the door to ensure customers entering are masked up, and not for a ball!

But the showstopper will be Dominic Cummings who will crawl from Islington to Barnard Castle in a hair shirt.

“He will ask the public to forgive him, even as the blood trails behind his shredded knees,” the organiser says, “and pull at his hair and rend his chest. It’s not possible to atone for the damage he did to public health messaging, ably assisted by the PM, but he wants to try.”

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Boris Johnson denies offering Donald Trump refuge at Barnard Castle

ROGUE’S RETREAT : FADING UK PRIME MINISTER, BORIS “PLAGUE” JOHNSON has been forced to divert his attention away from battling Covid today and address international issues.

This should cause no alarm, as many experts believe if Boris Johnson hadn’t been involved the UK would have already recovered.

And the reason for the wrenching away of Johnson’s famous laser like focus is the rumour circulating in the UK media that Mr Johnson has offered to assist Donald Trump, should the later need to leave the USA in a hurry.

Gossip amongst Westminster insiders say that Mr Johnson has phoned Mr Trump to ask if he would like a room prepared at Barnard Castle.

“Barnard Castle is where all the rogues run to,” our foreign affairs specialist comments, “it’s where Lord Lucan currently resides. Harold Holt, that missing Australian PM, he’s there. Oh, and Dominic Cummings is known to frequent it whenever his eyesight blurs. Donald Trump will feel right at home.”

But while the accommodation will certainly be acceptable to a Trump on the run, there are additional whispers that Mr Trump is showing a little lack of self awareness.

“He’s demanding Barnard Castle be renamed Trump Castle Barnard, which has taken the PM back a bit, as that’ll just confuse his mate Cummings when he enters the address into his SatNav. Never mind the additional demand that the ramparts are repainted gold, to give them some of that Trump class.”

But it must be noted that these rumours have been denied by 10 Downing Street who insist that Barnard Castle remains a Nightingale Optometrists focused on the eye tests which are required to recover from Covid.

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Ecuadorean Embassy in London prepares to welcome Donald Trump for “extended stay”

ASSANGING HIS WOUNDED PRIDE : OUTGOING US PRESIDENT AND INSURRECTION SUSPECT DONALD TRUMP has hinted at his next moves.

While attempts to foment civil war by his supporters will presumably continue, even after Joe Biden and Kamala Harris take office, Mr Trump is no fool and is also building up contingencies for failure.

“Donald is used to failure,” an insider in the Trump team told LCD Views, “he’s been failing at everything his entire adult life. Good thing his lines of credit are so, um, sound.”

And he’ll be drawing on those robust credit lines to pay for an extended stay in a small basement room in Lonon should the alleged coup not succeed.

“He’s already sent a Whatsapp to the concierge of the Ecuadorean Embassy in London,” the insider told LCD Views, “and set out his room service requirements. There’s plenty of McDonalds in London. Food should not be an issue.”

What the staff at the Ecuadorean Embassy think about the plans of Mr Trump to come and stay aren’t clear, even if they are used to people on the run turning up and lodging. Sometimes for years.

The decision to choose the Ecuadorean Embassy in London has taken some by surprise, with many pundits expecting him to flee to his Scottish golf course. Or even Russia, although no one can say why.

“At least Donald’s great British friend Nigel will know where to find him easily, so he can continue to come around and ass kiss,” the insider said, “and so long as they are prepared to provide him with a mini-golf course, I think everyone will get along just fine.”

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Boris Johnson scoops major environmental award as UK fish stocks boom!

CONTROL OUR FISH : UK PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON ISN’T HAVING THE BEST YEAR, AND WE ALL FEEL VERY SORRY FOR HIM.

But there is some good news amongst the entirely unavoidable calamities of Brexit, Covid-19 and losing his best mate Donald across the pond.

Today a major environmental group have announced that Mr Johnson is in line to scoop one of their major gongs in 2021.

PysBrishFish, which campaigns for the sustainable use of the seas around the UK, have pegged the PM as a winner. With the runner-ups likely to be Michael Gove and none other than the fishermen’s friend himself John Redwood.

“At the stroke of midnight on the 1st of January 2021 Mr Johnson embarked on one of the most ambitious marine conservation strategies of the modern era,” a representative of PysBrishFish told LCD Views, “he had to be incredibly sneaky to pull it off, but he did. The masterstroke of convincing the UK fishing industry as a collective to act as the poster child of its own destruction was truly a work of political genius.”

But while the plaudits are focused on Boris Johnson successfully pulling the UK out of the EU single market and customs union, not everyone is happy. Nigel Farage is said to be livid, having personally done so much to damage the fishing industry, while pretending to be doing the opposite.

“Nigel did his part. But seriously, he’s under investigation by the FBI, so we worry about being tainted by association. Let’s focus on Boris. With that one act of Brexit he has guaranteed the immediate destruction of large swathes of the British fishing industry,” PysBrishFish notes, “we expect to see the stocks of British fish boom this year. And we’ve Mr Johnson to thank for it.”

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I want to build bridges between our divided communities, says man with track record of not building bridges

BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED QUARTERS: Or, let’s stick together. Crime Minister Boris Johnson has this message for the nation: Just because we have alienated at least half of the population, it’s no reason not to be friends.

“I want to build bridges between, erm, wiff waff, erm, reasonable people and, erm, caveat emptor, erm, lefty activist metropolitan elite scum!” said Johnson shiftily. “My record of building bridges is second to none!”

Johnson threw his considerable weight behind the Garden Bridge in London. The bridge was never built, but not before many millions had been spaffed up the wall on it.

“It was overpriced, and, in all probability, would have been under-engineered,” claimed disgruntled ex-aide Geri Bildt. “His considerable weight would have snapped it in two. It nearly snapped me in two on a number of occasions,” she reminisced, shuddering slightly.

Among Johnson’s other conquests is the sea bridge between Ireland and Scotland. This would cost around £20bn and cross a large munitions dump. Expensive and explosive? This sounds like another job for Dido Harding.

“Would you drive over a long bridge, exposed to the elements, and liable to blow up at a moment’s notice?” asked Bildt, rhetorically. “It’s an excellent Brexit metaphor, I’ll give it that.”

Then there is the English Channel crossing. That’s another Johnson idea which will never get off the ground.

“I have all the bridges, all the best bridges!” countered Johnson, in a passable imitation of his spiritual twin, Donald Trump. “I, er, we, er, Britain, er, yes, Britain has the capacity, yes, the capacity, to build the bestest and bigliest bridges! And I will do the same for the warring plebs! We may have been chained to a rock by the EU, but no more, I say! And like Prometheus, our liver will grow back, better than ever, in Global Britain!”

Johnson also intimated that he was interested in a project to dig a tunnel from a British beach all the way to Australia.

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British atlases to warn of dragons everywhere abroad

Anyone who’s ever studied old maps of the world will remember the phrase that would crop up at random points. Here there be dragons. It was typically used to cover up for the mapmaker’s ignorance of the area so listed, or to discourage readers from visiting there.

Now it seems the phrase is set to make a comeback in British atlases. New government-approved post-Brexit atlases will be including the phrase “here there be dragons” a lot. The phrase will initially be listed over every single EU country, and if the move proves popular, added to every single country in the world except the United Kingdom.

Boris Johnson announced the move at a press conference last night, couched as usual in Latin and Greek metaphors, which was more than a little ironic as both Italy and Greece are to be listed on the new maps as containing dragons.

Critics of the scheme fear the move could further shore up the established undercurrents of xenophobia in the country and turn us even more into the North Korea of the western world, and Boris Johnson’s speech did nothing to allay those fears.

“Let me be absolutely clear,” he began, before launching into the usual unintelligible tirade, eventually concluding, “and that is why we need patriotic British maps for British people, boo sucks to you Johnny Foreigner, these are our maps and we can say what we like about your pathetic little countries in them.”

Meanwhile, to nobody’s surprise, Nigel Farage was quick to shout his support for the plan. “Absolutely – every other country in the world is just full of dragons, except us plucky British Lions,” he told LCD Views just now. Nobody asked him to, he just shouted it at us from outside – oh well, at least he’s not getting into the building any more.

With the impending breakup of the United Kingdom still a major possibility, there are already a couple of revisions pencilled in for future editions. Scotland will be represented with the phrase “here there be Sturgeons”, and the regular dragons line will also be applied to Wales if they too break away. Ironically the Welsh are a little irked at the lack of dragon references to them in the atlases given that their flag boasts an impressive red dragon.

The first editions of the new atlases are expected to be in bookshops by Easter.

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Donald Trump claims he was at Pizza Express Woking during insurrection on Capitol Hill

A PRINCELY DEFENCE : EMBATTLED US PRESIDENT DONALD “MAD ORANGE JOBBY” TRUMP is said to be taking royal inspiration as he prepares his defence against likely charges of involvement in insurrection.

And he’ll need to be swift about it, given that one of his ridiculous sons has posted a video of himself and friends partying as the insurrection took place. Partying while watching the insurrection…

“Maybe they just presumed it would all be alright on the day?” our Washington insider wonders, “after all the people involved on the ground in the so called spontaneous event were even wearing merchandise.”

But it’s best to be prepared and no one will be able to accuse Trump of being tardy about illegalities of the worst occurs.

“He’a going to claim he was having dinner with friends at Pizza Express Woking,” our correspondent says, “at least that’s what unconfirmed leaks from the Oval Office say. He’ll probably go further and say he’s been there for the entire term he is said to have been president. Which he will also deny soon.”

It’s clearly a good defence, just so long as Laura “scuffles” Kuenssberg is reporting on it and not Emily Maitliss.

“He’ll also claim that he has a medical condition which means he can’t sweat,” our imaginary man on the ground says, “as a result of his experience with bone spurs dodging the Vietnam War draft. But that is a little odd, because if he isn’t sweating right now, he should be.”