Posted on

Boris Johnson to dress up as a needle to promote vaccine uptake with slogan “Get The Prick!”

THREE WORD INNOCULATION : THE PEOPLE’S PRIME MINISTER, BORIS ‘ORRIGHT’ JOHNSON, is stepping up to front the charge across the sodden moor of Covid.

With a plethora of vaccines due in the new year concerns in 10 Downing Street are centring around how to convince enough people to take the vaccine and get back to work.

“We’re considering a range of options,” a Department of Health insider told LCD Views, “clearly we’re going to have to pay millions to Tory linked PR firms to convince people to save their granny’s life. It’s a tough nut to crack. But we’ve got the nutcrackers in hand.”

One of the key planks will of course be public information campaigns.

“That’s where Wetherspoons comes in,” the insider goes on, “we are considering a free Covid vaccine with every pint and microwave curry at one of Tim’s famous health spas. But also it will be important to have a mascot the entire nation can get behind.”

The mascot will need to be someone with a flair for entertainment and an endless love of dressing up. Ability to do anything else but distract a desperate population isn’t required.

“The PM is thus the natural selection,” the insider winks, “we’re going to dress him up as a needle and he can tour the country, alongside Professor of Bullshit Tim Martin, promoting vaccine use.”

But critics have suggested the campaign may do more harm than good.

“So? That’s what Boris does.”

There will of course be a catchy slogan to be printed on banners and badges surrounding Boris.

“The Big Prick! Is currently favourite. As it’s seen to be the most apt. But Get The Prick will perhaps be more 2021.”

Posted on

£29m Festival of Brexit centrepiece to be BoRiS and Carrie clapping for the NHS

APPLAUSE IS INFECTIOUS : News today that twenty nine million patriotic pounds are to be spaffed up the wall to celebrate Brexit. Good news for patriots!

“It makes a clear case for why Mr Johnson had to be shamed by a footballer into feeding poor children, not once, but twice this year,” our Downing Street source comments, “and why we need to bring back car parking charges for NHS.”

The Festival itself will feature a range of celebrations as Britain resumes its rightful place as head of international trade, now it’s been freed of the shackles of the EU.

“We are resuming our natural leadership role on Planet Earth,” the source adds, “we can more easily lead by not trading with the largest trading bloc on Earth, a few miles away, while pursuing new and ambitious, environmentally sensitive trading arrangements with smaller regions as far away as possible.”

The most prominent spectacles of the Festival of Brexit will focus on its achievements.

“There will be a potato deified by Nigel Farage and a fish divided by John Redwood with a potato masher. Also Anne Widdecombe will do a stirring rendition of Elgar’s entire back catalogue on a kazoo.”

But the biggest moment of the “immersive experience, like falling headfirst into a septic tank” has to be reserved for Brexit UK’s commander in chief, Boris Johnson. He will feature daily in a range of uniforms representing each profession and/or vocation that Brexit will impact. And new metaphors are also promised on the hour, invented by Boris himself (or half remembered from the classics).

“Undoubtedly the greatest moment will be when Boris takes the stage daily, dressed as Montezuma, accompanied by his carer Carrie (pencilled in currently to be styled after Boudicca) and claps for the NHS. It will be quite the sight. And such prominence will do more for the morale of NHS workers than a pay rise ever could. And at the end of the clapping there will be a firework set off and a wheel of cheddar rolled into ten pins painted to represent all the Covids. It will be world beating.”

Posted on

VACKIRK : Johnson confirms “flotilla of small boats” will bring CV-19 vaccine to Dover from France

HE COULDN’T HELP HIMSELF IF HE TRIED : MODERN DAY SHITE CHURCHILL STRAINED TEABAG BORIS JOHNSON has spoken to the HOUSE OF COMMONS today to outline plans to bring the Covid-19 vaccine to the UK in 2021, after its successful production in Germany and the Netherlands.

“It will be a MIRACLE OF DELIVERANCE,” the outgoing Prime Minister told a sparsely populated Commons VIA A VIDEO LINK BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN HE’S ISOLATED, “thousands of BRITISH CRAFT will ferry vaccines to Dover. Sometimes one at a time, sometimes in pairs, sometimes in threes, why, occasionally like Hercules, sometimes in fours.”

The plan to use the small boats draws on the WW2 evacuation of British troops, and it is believed it is the best way to terrify the virus.

“By reminding Covid-19 of our HEROIC DEEDS at Dunkirk it will know that it’s time is numbered. But while we wait for the MIRACLE we will not flag or fail. We will continue to fight Covid-19 on our beaches by having half baked, tier system lockdowns. To fight it for months in our pubs and restaurants, and in our supermarkets and friend’s houses. Only by refusing a proper lockdown can we keep Covid-19 on the back foot until we can claim the PR SUCCESS of sudden DELIVERANCE. And perhaps some friends may receive lucrative contracts for the vaccine roll out.”

But critics of the plan to use the small boats have queried if there will be a way to determine they have the right fridge specification on board to safely ferry the vaccines. And what will happen when the vaccines arrive at Dover? If Kent is suffering log jam waiting for the Brexit portaloos to be installed on motorways.

At this point the prime minister was at his most motivational.

“If there are any issues with internal movement in Kent then MATT HANCOCK will be ready to take off his Clark Kent spectacles and leap into the nearest toilet booth and emerge with his cloak flowing as the supercharged champion of vaccine delivery!”

What could possibly fail?

Posted on

Tory MP – “Priti Patel has now given me five kidneys in total. I can’t see how she’s a bully!”

BULLY FOR YOU : THE PRITI PATEL BULLYING SCANDAL HAS BRIEFLY KNOCKED COVID-19 AVOIDABLE DEATH TOLLS OFF THE TOP OF THE NEWS CYCLE, which is nice.

The topping of the charts comes as a result of the long suppressed official inquiry into her behaviour being published.

“It’s a bloody shame it was printed on waterproof paper,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “Boris spent ages attempting to water it down but nothing worked. Not water, or later, when he was properly hammered, not Bordeaux. Then he had to give it up and go for lunch and some bloody fool published it.”

But it’s not bad news for Ms Patel, even though she’s found to have broken the Code of Conduct for Ministers.

She is receiving broad support from her colleagues, as Tory MPs engage in a craven, synchronised swim across social media. They’ve got her back, presumably so she doesn’t go behind theirs and give them wedgies.

One even revealed the depth of generosity of Ms Patel cut deep.

“Priti Patel has given me a total of five kidneys already. I can’t see how she could be a bully!”* One MP tweeted, presumably to separate themselves from the adoring crowd.

It has been noted though that no one who has worked under Ms Patel has expressed surprise at the charges proven against her.

“Some would think we don’t understand how bullies operate. But that’s nonsense, we’re all bullies. We know very well that you are polite to people who you judge to have equal or greater power than yourself, and you take that screaming inside out on anyone weaker. Not exactly a shock that so many people have only seen her sweet side. It’s a good thing the people she’s bullied are too nervous to speak out! Ha! Nerds.”

And to further secure Ms Patel’s validity in her post the source added,

“If the general public won’t punish us at the ballot box when we refuse to clean house, you can hardly expect us to have standards. Just look at who we made prime minister. You’ve only yourselves to blame. Now stick your head in the toilet and flush it. The sound you’ll hear swirling around as the bowl empties is the life blood of your democracy.”

*It is unclear where the five kidneys came from.

Posted on

Boris Johnson made a complete balls up of being PM “unintentionally”

BALLS TO THE WALL: A new report on the first year of Boris Johnson’s premiership is due out shortly. Its author, who has already resigned in anticipation, was not complimentary.

Faye Sparm, the Parliamentary Commissioner for Standards, was requested to investigate the conduct of the Crime Minister. She allegedly threw her completed report on the desk formerly occupied by “Classic” Dom Cummings, with a resignation letter written in most unParliamentary language.

The report ran to some 84547885 pages, but Sparm considerately included a precis on two sides of A4. This was intended to ensure that someone would actually read it to Boris Johnson.

You can guess the contents. For example, there were several entire volumes devoted to “Spaffing Money Up The Wall”. These contained individual books with titles like “PPE”, “Serco”, “Jennifer Arcuri”, and “Dilyn the Dog”.

Another twenty volumes made up the series entitled “Dither, Delay, and Wiff-Waff”.

The “Brexit” volumes comprise the heart of the report. Each reads like a crime thriller, with the evil protagonist blundering from failure to failure, yet refusing to concede defeat. Each volume concludes on a cliff-edge – I mean, a cliff-hanger.

The tale of one Dominic Cummings is woven throughout the entire work. This backroom player, a pound shop Wormtongue to Johnson’s tragicomic Saruman, brings about his own doom. On the road to Barnard Castle (a very British Damascus), the scales fell from our eyes and his deceit was made plain – yet his services were retained.

The whole is subtitled by Sparm, a Harry Potter fan, as “The Life And Lies Of Alex Johnson”.

Various government figures were wheeled out to denounce the report. Dominic Raab said he “didn’t appreciate its significance”. John Redwood wibbled something about British Fish. Priti Patel simply growled at everyone until they backed off. Johnson himself went into hiding.

But the overriding theme was that Poor Boris was doing a good job under difficult circumstances. He may have made a complete balls up of the job, but “unintentionally”.

Posted on

Priti Patel made the new face of anti-bullying

COME AND HAVE A GO IF YOU THINK YOU’RE HARD ENOUGH: To mark anti-bullying week, the government has announced a new world-beating-up anti-bullying champion. Who better than Priti Patel?

Well, almost anybody, really. But that never puts this government off its stride. Patel’s sheer unsuitability for the role makes her the ideal candidate.

Patel has been plagued by accusations of bullying for a long time. So, reasons officialdom, who better to counter bullying than a bully? It’s poacher turned gamekeeper. The Home Office wolf has donned sheep’s clothing, and concealed her iron fist inside a velvet glove.

Guidance has been issued on the Home Office website. There you will find a page headed “So, you think you are being bullied, do you?”

The guidance is uncompromising. It consists of a sequence of FAQs, which tend to be neither questions nor frequently asked. It starts, promisingly enough, with a section entitled “What is bullying, and how do I deal with it?”

The answer is stark. “Bullying is, traditionally, where a bigger boy beats you up and steals your sweets. In fact, this is a useful illustration of Capitalism in action. Grow a pair, and get used to it!”

Wise words, I think we can all agree.

But there is more to come. “My boss has criticised me loudly, publicly and unfairly. What can I do?”

The response is clear. “I’m sorry you feel that way. Strong leadership is to be admired. Up your game, snowflake.”

A section of helpful guidance is included. “I want to know what can be counted as bullying,” reads one non-question. The answer is nothing if not deeply unhelpful.

“The following actions are NOT considered to be bullying: Words, actions or physical contact designed to display strength or superiority. Being put in your place. Name-calling. Criticism of your work, opinions, or appearance. Asserting your position in the pecking order by belittling your inferiors. Bullying.”

Priti Patel will set a fine example to the nation.

Posted on

Johnson commits £16bn to development of “British fish torpedo”

FIRE ALL TUBES : MODERN DAY SCULLEN SKINK, BORIS “AL TO DONORS” JOHNSON, HAS ANNOUNCED A PLAN TO SECURE ALL FISH IN THE SEA FOR BRITAIN.

The people’s prime minister made the announcement today over Zoom, while cosplaying as Captain Birdseye.

“I have nothing to promise you but fish today and fish tomorrow,” the PM began, before pausing to take off his hat, ruffle his hair, perv at some adult websites, feverishly text a violist, and finally return to the slippery issue at hand.

“I have today instructed our WORLD BEATING maritime and naval scientists to begin work IMMEDIATELY on a BRITISH FISH TORPEDO. A munition so powerful that when it explodes in any school of fish they will INSTANTLY become BRITISH.”

What the French and Norwegians will think of this the Prime Minister didn’t allude to specifically, but it’s certain to “have our foreign FISHY FOES discombobulated as schools of FRENCH FLOUNDER explode in an underwater detonation of SOVEREIGNTY.”

It’s expected that the schools of fish will “most obviously home then to the land of their birth and await like WELL TRAINED DOGFISH to be SCOOPED UP IN BRITISH FISHING NETS”.

But critics have pointed out that the plan for the British Fish Torpedo has one startling flaw.

“It will blow them up,” a fisherman said, “which is at least in keeping with what Brexit threatens for our entire industry.”

But gloomsayer’s concerns aside, the plan will go ahead like all of Boris Johnson’s big ideas and is expected to explode in our faces upon completion.

Posted on

Ministry of Defence FOI request reveals most new defence spending earmarked for “Spitfire fly-pasts”

MAKE WW2 AIRPLANE SOUNDS NOW : BORIS JOHNSON IS A FREESPENDING PM, which is a great relief after the austere years of Dave “Wunderkind” Cameron and Theresa “fatal error in file” May.

“He knows he doesn’t have that long in the top job, before he gets bored and quits,” a new 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “so he’s going to have his fun with the public purse while he’s got it.”

The fun appears to have mostly focused on awarding PPE contracts to chums during 2020, but that is set to change as Mr Johnson looks to secure the defence of the realm into the future.

“Clearly the backbone of the modern defence of the UK is an obsessive focus on WW2,” the source continues, “just without all the distracting parts that foreigners played in the victory over the fascists.”

To this end the new multi-billion pound defence spending, announced today, will build on an already well established method for reminding the world that the UK is a lion that can still roar.

“Spitfire fly-pasts,” the source nods along, “that’s where most of the new money is going. One of Johnson’s old drinking mates from Eton days has a Spitfire re-enactment VR facility, allegedly, and they’ll (rumour says, not confirmed) be receiving a few billion to ramp that up so that tomorrow’s Spitfire fly-past pilots receive the most modern training possible for acting out the UK’s yesterday.”

Schools will also feature heavily with WW2 history days each and every day forever and never once will the children ever hear about Suez.

Posted on

Last remaining pound of UK taxpayer money placed under armed guard before a Tory steals it

QUIDS IN : Comforting news for Global Britons looking at 2021 with a wary eye on the public finances today with the confirmation that the last remaining pound has been placed under armed guard.

“Shortly before 5am this morning specially trained officers arrived to take the last pound of taxpayer cash into protective custody,” our economics correspondent reports, “securing the squid in an air tight, titanium box secured with biogenic locks that have to be operated in unison by both guards simultaneously. The last pound has been moved to a secure location where it is hoped that, in time, it will reproduce parthenogenetically.”

The motivation for the move is thought to have come from the wide scale raid on the public finances, under the cover of Covid-19, finally, at last, Jesus wept, my brain hurts, getting broad media coverage.

“Our officers will guard the last remaining pound of UK public money until such time as we deem it is safe to return it to the wild,” a spokesman for the security detail told a press conference, “it’s highly likely if it is sighted by any member of the Conservative parliamentary party that it will find itself cut to shreds and distributed throughout an old boys style network of currency traffickers. We must not let this happen. MPs will need another payrise next year. And with the expected hit to the public purse from both a mismanaged pandemic, and the insanity of Brexit, this pound will become only more precious.”

But a source inside the government simply shrugged and said, “We know where the magic money tree is when we want to find it. Have you set up a company last week and stuck five pounds in it? You could be entitled to a PPE contract.”

Posted on

Police issue warning after Margaret Thatcher escapes from TV show “The Crown” – assumed dangerous

STAY ALERT : THE METROPOLITAN POLICE HAVE ISSUED A NATIONAL ALERT TODAY AFTER THE FICTIONAL REPRESENTATION OF MARGARET THATHCER escaped from Netflix drama “The Crown.”

It’s believed the “event” occurred as a result of too many people watching the episodes featuring the deceased British prime minister at the same time as “the gatekeeper made contact with the keymaster”.

The production company behind the show denies any accountability and a spokesman said earlier “we followed the rules as laid down by The Vatican regarding representations of SHE WHO WILL NOT BE NAMED to the letter. This is not our fault.”

Whether or not all the stipulations of the Holy Roman Church were followed will have to be determined after the resurrected Mrs Thatcher has been apprehended and returned to the netherworld.

“We would ask the public to be very wary,” a police spokesman told a hastily convened press conference, “any councils that still have a stock of public housing are warned to guard the properties closely, lest they ultimately end up in the property portfolio of a Tory MP, without any replacement in stock. Likewise children drinking milk at schools are to be placed under armed guard until Mrs Thatcher has been safely apprehended.”

But perhaps the individual most at risk is of course Boris Johnson.

“Compared to the shambolic clusterfuck of impulses currently governing the UK with complete disregard for public welfare, principle, accountability, competence, foresight or hair combing, Mrs Thatcher is a paramount of public service. And that’s considering the harm she wrought! We are doubling our guard over Mr Johnson and he will remain in the fridge until it is safe for him to re-emerge.”

The public is also warned that if any family members start randomly saying ghastly early neoliberal bollocks like “there is no such thing as society”, they are to call the emergency services immediately and run screaming for their lives. It must be assumed that the person concerned has been in contact with “she who cannot be named” and is infectious.