Posted on

Boris Johnson to sit in chair at flooded Kent lorry park and command floodwaters recede

TOTAL CNUT : THE UK’S FAITH IN ITS BOLD AND VISIONARY LEADER, BORIS JOHNSON, IS SET TO RAMP UP EVEN MORE TODAY WITH THE PLAN BY WORLD KING BORIS JOHNSON TO VISIT THE FLOODED KENT LORRY PARK (CONSTRUCTION SITE).

The action will be ruthlessly voiced over by Andrew Marr, with Laura Kuenssberg faithfully tweeting the action as it unfolds.

The show of faith is expected to send a stark warning to the EU that the time for playing games is over. They must buckle and accept British hegemony or they’ll be responsible for the inability of Brexit MPs to not build an emergency lorry holding facility on a floodplain.

“Boris loves his classical references,” a Downing Street aide told LCD Views, “and he loves dressing up. So today will be very special for him. He’ll get to dress up and act out a famous historical scene! He’s just giddy at the moment. He barely slept a wink. Right now he’s running about the corridors excitedly like a cocker spaniel chasing a bitch in heat. Although to be fair, that’s a fairly common occurrence most days.”

What the floodwaters will do faced with Mr Johnson going total Cnut isn’t yet clear, but it’s understood they are likely to do as he bids.

“Cnut wasn’t able to stop the tide rising,” the aide notes, “but he didn’t have enough self belief. The waters will tremble before Boris, although some may mistake that for the furious activity of emergency pumps attempting to drain the site before all the concrete washes away.”

Posted on

Nigel Farage to patrol the flooded lorry parks for migrant boats

WHERE THERE’S AN ILL WILL, THERE’S A WAY: Brexit nonentity and professional rentagobshite Nigel Farage is to create more faux outrage. He is to patrol the new, underwater lorry parks in Kent to ensure that fuzzy footage of dinghies of alleged migrants reach social media.

He has adopted the title of “Clandestine Flooded Lorry Park Threat Commander”. There will not be a child playing in oversized Kentish puddles who will escape the vigilance of Captain Foghorn.

In a nice twist, the concrete wastelands which colloquially bear his name will receive his undivided attention. Expect a barrage of Farage Garage miscarriage of justice stories.

It is expected that inflatable rafts containing desperate asylum seekers will be drawn, inexorably, towards Farage. Like bees to a sweet flower, or flies to Mr Turd of Turd Hall, unfortunates from abroad are attracted to Nige.

Or maybe he loves these poor people so much, that it is actually he that is drawn to them.

“This is a total disaster!” thundered the man himself, to anyone who was willing to listen. “The government is entirely to blame. They are doing Brexit all wrong, and now the entire south-east is under water! I am personally increasing my vigilance so that nobody not dressed in a tweed suit will make land without my knowing about it!”

He took a deep drag on his Capstan Full Strength (Post-Brexit special issue), and coughed, patriotically. “The fags are a perfect defence against diseases carried by the filthy covid-riddled migrants,” he explained.

Farage paused to salute a flotilla of Great British Fish, which swam past in perfect formation, their Union Jack coloured dorsal fins breaking the surface. “Keep the flag flying, my inedible beauties!” he called, puffing out his chest.

He pulled his phone from his pocket and took a picture. “There’s a sad old man in Wokingham Asylum who loves fish pictures!” he said, pressing Send. “John Redwood, this one’s for you.”

With that he resumed his lonely vigil. Make Britain great Again!

Posted on

“English schools can teach WW2 in history for the first time. Thanks to Brexit.” – Gavin Williamson

A* FOR FALLING UPWARDS : THE UK’S EDUCATION MONOLITH, GAVIN WILLIAMSON, HAS GIVEN EVERYONE AN ABRUPT LESSON TODAY IN THE HITHERTO UNSPOKEN BENEFITS OF BREXIT.

“It shows the tangible benefits of promoting loyalists to dubious political projects to cabinet positions, regardless of their verifiable quality, based purely on their allegiance to Brexit,” our Education Matters specialist says.

And education is all about Gavin.

“Remember how he was sacked for leaking secrets? Once that would have ended a political career. Not in Boris Johnson’s cabinet of all the tzars.”

And Gavin is showing the wisdom of resurrection as England begins its bold and visionary future freed of the constraints of having friends in Europe.

“For the first time English schools can now teach students about WW2,” Mr Williamson told the gathered press. “This is a little understood historical period in England. With my new directives I am to further that.”

But before critics suggest there is more to history than a global conflict in which the powers of fascism were defeated by an international coalition, Gavin has a ready retort.

“I’m not going to start speculating on what maybe achieved, potentially, by the incoming US Biden/Harris administration.”

But it won’t only be WW2 in the curriculum.

“There will be WW1 too. And the Queen and how to make Union Jack bunting.”

But what about those who suggest that potentially, the way in which the flagshaggers obsess about WW2, misrepresent many of the aspects and exclude historical debate aimed at better understanding import passages of our history, risks missing the lessons of the conflicts.

“That’s too long a sentence,” Mr Williamson replied, before adding, “I’ve got a spider. It’s how I got promoted.”

Posted on

Tiers and beers – Wetherspoons beer mats are “substantial meals” says Downing Street

TWO PINTS OF LAGER AND A MEATY MAT : GREAT NEWS for patriotic publican Tim Martin today with the confirmation by government that his beer mats count as a substantial meal if “consumed as a main”.

“It follows on from their use for years now as a clear and precise source of public information about Brexit,” a Department of Health aide told LCD Views, “when you hold one there is so much to chew over. The only real issue is whether they’re better with red or brown sauce? Or perhaps an English aioli? I mean, a bucket of sawdust for throwing on the floor when you vomit them back up.”

To capitalise on the regulatory win it’s understood that Mr Martin is in his lab personally cooking up a range of new flavours.

“Christmas themes will likely feature heavily. Turkey mostly, the voting variety. Brussels sprouts – well, English shoots, there the ones with a picture of a pistol and a foot on them. And sovereignty flavour. Eat as many of those as you can stuff in. And if you have trouble swallowing one of those Mr Martin will personally come to your table in full hazmat and force it down you like a foi gras goose.”

Of course it’s not just the mats you can order as a main.

“We don’t have any scotch eggs. We’re letting the gastropubs, and their imitators deal in them. But you will be able to order urinal cakes. Any square of any carpet in any of our establishments as a main. But maybe it’ll be better to save those to enjoy like a cheese and cracker board after the beer mat and urinal cake. If you get one of the carpet squares near a corner table they taste just like cheddar.”

Posted on

“Two world wars, one World Cup and one German CV-19 vaccine!” – famous chant updated

POSSESSION IS 9/10 OF THE LAW : THE UK’S GOVERNMENT IS WORLD BEATING, THAT MUCH IS WELL ESTABLISHED, IT’S JUST NOT ALWAYS CLEAR WHAT IT’S WORLD BEATING AT. AT LEAST IF YOU’RE LOOKING FOR SOMETHING POSITIVE.

Epic amounts of bullshit is one clear field, even before epic bullshitter Boris Johnson took the highest office.

Viewed from that angle it’s hardly surprising the UK government chose to celebrate the licensing for use of the Pfizer CV-19 vaccine by immediately lying about it.

It got them attention. It even got them fact checked by the BBC, and some would suggest since 2016 (and the BBC’s attitude to lying Tory/Brexiter politicians) that’s a big achievement.

“We need to celebrate yesterday’s achievements by the US/German pharmaceutical company and its German-Turkish scientists,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “which is why we immediately started lying about it. Appropriating someone else’s product or achievement and presenting it as your own is classic Tory politics.”

And to bed in the public perception as the UK leading the fight against CV-19 a gold standard in nationalism is to be updated.

“Boris Johnson may have drawn back from affirming the lies of his foot soldiers about the vaccine at yesterday’s press conference. Presumably because JVT was standing next to him and had told him he would immediately vanish if he did it.”

But away from the bright glare of the press work was able to continue unabated.

“But that didn’t mean he wasn’t busy. And later last night he got out his arts and crafts supplies. Those famous empty wine crates and the little pots of paints, and did his best to capitalise on the lies.

“He constructed a new national chant. He built a bus from his wine crates and painted a new lie across it,” our insider says, “Two World Wars, One World Cup and German CV-19 vaccine! Get used to chanting it!”

Posted on

Two pricks for the price of one : Tory MPs increase public trust in Covid-19 vaccine by lying about it

JOB IN HAND : Matt Hancock is a striver. Matt Hancock is a trier. Matt Hancock is a real man.

“I don’t look back at explosions,” Matt Hancock reportedly told himself late last night, after another successful day tarnishing a good thing with Brexit.

And the explosion yesterday was the announcement that the UK is first to approve the Pfizer Covid-19 vaccine for use.

“It was Brexit what did it,” Matt told the world early yesterday, even though Brexit had nothing to do with the approval.

“It would be fair to say Brexit influenced the speed of approval,” our Brexit expert suggests, “because it’s going to potentially be a lot bloody harder to import this German product, developed by Turkish immigrants, and to be produced across the EU, into the UK if we crash out of the CU and SM at midnight on December 31st.”

But clearly given Brexit is likely to make even fighting the plague harder, government ministers had to take immediate action to alleviate this risk.

“By lying about it.”

Which of course is total Brexit.

“Rees-mogg got in on the act with Mogg too,” our expert continues, “saying that it was only because we have left the EU that we could so speedily approve the use of the vaccine.”

Thereafter the usual cast of idiots chorused the lies in the hope of establishing it.

“Tory MPs lying is just business as usual these days,” our expert notes, “which is a funny way to run a country, unless your aim is to run it into the ground. But it’s a shame that it has to even muddy the water around CV-19.”

What Matt Hancock will say to himself in the mirror this morning is uncertain, given that after he and his mates spent the entire day lying about the regulatory approval of the Pfizer vaccine, Boris Johnson declined to join them at it.

That’s probably the biggest shock of the day. He’s normally the epicentre of any life doing the rounds each day.

“At least this will boost public trust in the vaccine,” our correspondent adds, “now that the usual Tory muppets have spent the day lying about it, the rebuttals to their nonsense will exponentially increase public understanding about the vaccine and its development.”

Posted on

A Scotch egg will be a substantial meal after Brexit, claims George Eustice

THERE WILL BE ADEQUATE FOOD: And plenty of it. And clean drinking water. Ish.

Environment Secretary George Eustice thinks that a Scotch egg will be a substantial meal come the end of the Transition Period. Unfortunately, he is probably right, as our frictionless trade will continue, held up only slightly by a very small mountain of red tape. It has left him with egg on his face.

While hungry Brits wait in the pubs for their fish to arrive from Iceland, and their chips to make it from Ireland, the only part of their meal remaining will be the Scotch egg. Therefore, Eustice argues, as the only component of the meal it is, by definition, substantial.

To reinforce his argument, the expected rampant inflation will mean that the price of a Scotch egg becomes substantial. A week’s wages for a breadcrumb-covered delicacy? Yes, and we will be thankful. Expect them to appear on the menu at the Festival of Brexit, alongside British Fish.

Scottish independence will come to matter in time. When independence happens, Scotland will surely insist, under regional branding regulations, that the only Scotch egg worthy of the name must be made in Scotland, and must proudly bear the Saltire.

Other hard boiled egg products with sausage meat casings will be available, but they must be called “Scottish-style sausage meat coated egg portions” instead.

Pubs will of course be open. Unless they are closed. Unless they are in a Tier 1 region. Unless The Rules change again, and lots more illusory Tiers appear. But there won’t be any food to serve, because it will all be stuck on the back of a lorry in Kent. Unless you are in Kent, and the bored lorry drivers have set up their own pub to cook the food on their lorries before it goes off.

But this is precisely what every Leave voter voted for, as we know.

And what will Eustice’s response to the inevitable complaints be? Let them eat Scotch eggs.

Posted on

Celebrity Special – Philip Green chosen to front CV-19 vaccine campaign “Top Shot”

WHEN ONLY THE BIGGEST PRICK WILL DO : MATT HANCOCK IS TO TAKE TO THE PODIUM LATER TODAY TO ANNOUNCE A WORLD BEATING BRITISH FIRST IN THE FIGHT AGAINST COVID-19.

However, the latest twist in the Covid-19 tale in the UK, the looming vaccine, is certain to cause some concerns in certain demographics.

“The vaccine uptake maybe especially low in groups like ‘Friends of serving Tory ministers’,” an aide to the Health Secretary told LCD Views, “it’s easy to imagine many in a group like that discouraging vaccine uptake out of concerns it will stop raining money daily in exchange for dodgy, or often on-existent PPE. Well, presumably they’ll pay for the vaccine privately the moment it is administered. But saying one thing and doing another is a modern Conservative trait. So…”

So moves are being taken to encourage the public to get pricked.

“To this end we are enlisting celebrities to help us convince the British public that not dying alone in isolation in intensive care after weeks spent struggling to breathe is actually a good thing.”

But what celebrities will feature?

“The winners of the business world are likely to have the greatest cut through, especially with aspiring owners of major department stores. So we’ve enlisted Philip Green. When he’s not on his yacht in Monaco that is.”

The world (and pension fund) beating billionaire will be part of the initial launch of the campaign.

“Top Shot is the favoured handle of the persuasive campaign,” the aide suggests, “And Mr Green will go around the country being a complete prick, just like the needles that will distribute the vaccine.”

Will he have any special training to do this?

“Clearly that’s not needed. Just look at his business career. Being a big prick comes naturally.”

Posted on

Downing Street confirms Boris Johnson metaphor counts as “substantial meal” if spoken in a pub

INDIGESTIBLE WORD SALADS : WITH LOCKDOWN 2.0 ENDING TODAY THE GREAT BRITISH PUBLIC IS UNDERSTANDABLY CONCERNED TO UNDERSTAND THE NEW TIER SYSTEM WHICH FOLLOWS.

“Clearly the most important aspect is to keep Tim Martin happy, not what the public understands. Actually the less they understand the better,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “which is why the major feature is how to get people back into a Wetherspoons, and non-branded pubs, so they survive long enough to be bought out of administration and converted to Wetherspoons next year.”

To this end you will be allowed to drink in pubs again from tomorrow, but only if you do so with a standard Wetherspoons accompaniment of a food like substance.

But for those worried about piling on even more pounds on top of the lockdown weight, there’s a calorific exception.

“Knowledge is the food of the soul, so you don’t necessarily have to have a couple of scotch eggs with your pint of warm bitter, no matter what Michael Gove says.”

Apparently the other option is something you can bring along yourself.

“You can speak a Boris Johnson metaphor instead of order food,” the aide confirms, “and if you can’t recall any because you’ve repressed the knowledge out of self preservation, you can use an app to produce one on the spot.”

The app is being developed by a sub-contractor, sub-contracted by a sub-sub-contractor, who is sub-contracted to a company set up last week with £5 in it.

“The app will be really easy to use. You simply select the historical period of your choosing for Mr Johnson to misunderstand, choose which classical language you want mixed in and then whether or not you want your first pet’s name or your favourite type of Farrow and Ball paint added to the mix. The app will provide a bespoke Johnson word salad on the spot.”

It will be no use to anyone in terms of clarifying the challenges we face as a nation, but at least it’ll allow you to stay and get pissed.

Posted on

PPE – Downing Street to hold award ceremony for biggest PPE contract winners

PLASTIC PATRIOTS ENRICHED : Downing Street has announced another world beating British first in the fight to prolong Covid-19 today with the decision to hold an award ceremony for the holders of PPE contracts.

“Everyone who believes they’re qualified for the PPE’s needs to Whatsapp Matt Hancock immediately,” a 10 Downing Street aide told LCD Views, “or mention it to Boris Johnson over lunch.”

The PPE’s will celebrate the biggest achievers in the receipt of non-tender process, no penalty clause PPE contracts.

“It will be an aspirational day which will inspire a new generation of British youngsters to become friends with Tory Party ministers. You never know when duty calls? Maybe when you’re running an insolvent paper cup factory? Maybe when you’ve recently stood down as a councillor and you’re at a lose end? There’s no end of opportunity if you have the right phone numbers saved in your smart phone. You just then have to wait for disaster to call.”

The award categories will be Gold, Silver and Bronze and set the standard for recognition of the ability to get rich quick from the public purse.

“There is discussions currently about whether or not to make the actual day of the ceremony a public holiday?” the aide mused, “I’m in favour of it. Like Covid, it will better help disguise the complete economic car crash looming in 2021 with Brexit.”

The hanging of bunting on the day will be encouraged and to be sure it’s patriotic it must be plastic.

“I’ve got a friend who can supply as much plastic bunting as you need? He’s currently staring at the closed shutters of his replica marble factory that’s just gone into administration…”