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Government confirms Tier 4 households can still congregate for Xmas “if they go to Barnard Castle”

GONE BUT NOT FORGOTTEN : DOWNING STREET have confirmed today there are a few loopholes in the new Tier 4 CV-19 restrictions.

“Always read the fine print,” advised a random cabinet minister – who voted for the Withdrawal Agreement last year, before later threatening to rebel once he’d read it.

The exception is believed to have been made because of the mystical, healing powers of Barnard Castle.

“It sorted Dominic Cummings’ eyes right out,” the minster added, “and he’s such a wanker it was thought he was permanently blind! So if it can do that, there’s a good chance the powerful aura of the ruins will prevent Covid-19 transmission.”

But to be clear that there are no breaking of the rules all households planning to get together at Barnard Castle must drive themselves there in the family car.

“This is to leave the trains empty for Tory MPs breaking the rules and leaving London for Christmas. They need space around them in transit, as they’ll almost certainly have the virus.”

The Barnard Castle exception is good news for families who may have rashly believed the prime minister’s promises that Christmas would be saved, hours before he butchered it for millions.

“We don’t want all that food and drink going to waste. We need everyone good and fat to enjoy the tangible, inedible benefits of Brexit in January.”

But public health officials have suggested that the Barnard Castle exception will just add more harm to the damage done by Dominic Cummings in the summer. Before throwing up their hands and giving it up altogether because no one in Downing Street ever pays attention in time anyway to avoid disaster.

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Royal Mint confirms new £10,000 note will be released in time for Brexit price rises

CASH ‘N CREDULITY: Rishi Sunak wants you to spend those savings today, as you’d expect from an inheritance millionaire, playing at being a Chancellor in a time of economic crisis. But he has taken steps to make it easier for you.

Today the Royal Mint has confirmed a fabricated rumour that a new £10,000 bank note will be released in time for Brexit price rises.

“The “Boris” is blonde in colour, and will be vegan so all British citizens can eat it, when the note becomes worthless as a means of exchange by late summer.”

But not everyone is happy.

A group of hard line Tory MPs have already set up a “Big Note Research Group”. But it’s not the actual size of the new denomination, or why it maybe needed, that is their concern.

“Vegan? VEGAN?!&*” a member of the group screamed down the phone, before hanging up.

And there are other unique changes to the “Boris”. For the first time the Queen will not feature.

“She’s been replaced by a Spitfire,” the Mint confirms, “as that iconic feat of British engineering has replaced everything else now in the national psyche, due to its irresponsible use in English nationalist propaganda.”

It’s not clear at this stage what the likely exchange rate for a Boris will be, although some suggested a hill of beans.

“What we don’t want to see,” the BNRG phoned back to say, “is it being worth less than 10,000 Euros. Clearly if the EU tyranny don’t peg their currency to the pound from 1st January 2021 it will be a deliberate act of sabotage. Because they don’t like our status as a free and sovereign trading nation. And not because we’re a bunch of deluded nostalgia freaks fuelled by dark money to trash the UK economy. After which we will bring back feudalism.”

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Tangible benefits – Kent sea of trucker pee to be collected to make gunpowder

SOVEREIGNTY IS GOLDEN : A dramatic event in the man made maritime English region of Kent has led to a boost for Brexit Britain’s self-sufficiency.

While news media outlets (chasing sensationalism) have blasted out alarmist stories of gridlocked truckers filling Kent to overflowing with wee, few have bothered to look for the tangible benefits.

Happily a group of Conservative MPs called the PRG (Pee Research Group) have set themselves up (at taxpayers expense) to look into how this bout of collective micturation can be to the advantage of Global Britons.

“Traditional British firepower has always been in an Englishman’s todger,” Roger Dulltree, MP for Wessex, told LCD Views, “and once again as we wave our willies at Europe we will be showing them a full barrel.”

The robust statement is well backed up, just like the truckers in Kent, by the ability of England to return to the traditional method of making gunpowder.

“Brown Bess wasn’t fired with a Frenchman’s pale liquid,” Dulltree continues, “or a German’s darkened flow. No. Traditional British musketry was primed with the byproduct of patriotic wee!”

The recommendation to begin collecting the inland sea, and the chemicals contained within, to make gunpowder has been welcomed. But not only by the suddenly aquatic residents of Kent.

“When Englishmen go to war over fish against the French next year,” a 10 Downing Street source said, “they will be fired up with patriotic powders. Take that Frenchie! You just try and blockade Dover! You’ll only be giving us more firepower!”

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Dover lorry queue now visible from International Space Station

BY BREXIT’S WORKS WILL WE BE KNOWN : THE STAR STUDDED PERFORMANCE OF THE UK since 2016 has really caught the attention of everyone on Earth.

But now as the lorry queues grow at British ports even the astronauts orbiting our spinning ball of hot rock are starting to pay attention.

During the standard call back to Earth last night, astronauts aboard the ISS reported that the UK had changed.

“The unicorn has been at the centre of England for a few years,” Astronaut Buck Rodgers told LCD Views exclusively, “and there’s been an even bigger elephant that’s normally to be found next to it. Although that was missing last night? We’re presuming somebody ate it. The whale is always off the coast somewhere. That’s because every night John Redwood sings to it. But there’s a new wonder to be seen from the heavens now.”

And the new wonder of modern Britannia is the ever growing queue of trucks backed up behind Dover.

“It’s impressive. We normally look out for the Great Wall of China, but I can tell you the Kent lorry queue is even bigger. I’m blown away. It takes some serious effort to take a JIT RORO based economy and completely shaft it like this. Amazing leadership.”

Speaking for the government, Dominic Raab, was having none of it.

“This just shows the importance of being a free and independent, sovereign country,” he told LCD Views, “the fact that an international terror group like ISS are targeting the UK from Space, shows the transition period can’t end soon enough.”

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Jacob Rees-mogg to lead children’s crusade to food bank

WHAT WOULD JESUS DO : JACOB REES-MOGG ISN’T TAKING THE POLITICAL POSTURING OF UNICEF LYING DOWN.

Having already admonished the UN’s do-gooders-in-chief for interfering in the right of British Christian CONservatives to starve British school children, he’s now stepping it up a gear and taking the fight to the children.

Shortly after midnight, as Rees-mogg was getting up and leaving his crypt for the day, he announced his intention to lead a children’s crusade.

“It promises to be quite uplifting,” Rees-mogg told his mirror, which was free of all reflection.

The crusade will start in Southwark in London and conclude at the nearest food bank.

“There the children in our holy procession will be allowed to see the food they can have if they work hard enough,” Mr Rees-mogg told the sprites and demons that hop around him.

After viewing the food in the bank it is believed he will lead the children in prayer, before showing them how to both count and lend money.

And that is not all, one lucky child will be selected to receive a book written in Latin which advises how to make money from distressed economies.

“It will all be over by dawn,” a familiar of Rees-mogg told LCD Views, “as he must be indoors before the first rays of sunlight begin to push through the streets of London like searching fingers of fire.”

It’s hoped the crusade will be sufficient to inspire in the destitute children the kind of energy and aspiration that will allow them to strive for a better accident of birth.

“Clearly if the children had any common sense they would already have begun chimney sweeping, toshing and praying to make their own way in the world. But Jacob is prepared to guide them, for the meek will inherit the earth. Literally the earth. The dirt. If Jacob has anything to do with it.”

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UK waits to see which Tory MP will be first to blame “last Labour government” for Unicef food parcels

RAMPED UP BLAME GAMING : THE UK IS WAITING WITH BAITED BREATH TODAY TO SEE WHICH OF THE LEGENDARY PARLIAMENTARIANS WHO SERVE AS JOHNSON’S RUBBER STAMPS WILL STEP FORTH TO TAKE ON THE UNICEF FOOD CRISIS.

As MPs attended slap up Christmas dinners at their private clubs the global charity signalled Brexit Boris’s UK’s arrival as a global superpower in the ranks of the needy.

But while some unsupportive critics would blame the 10 years of Tory rule for the shameful state of affairs, more fluid thinkers know exactly who is the cause of the hungry bellies.

“It’s clearly the last Labour government,” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “there’s a direct line between them and Unicef.”

And it’s fair to say that if Gordon Brown hand’t lost that GE all those centuries ago now there would most likely not be a hunger crisis in the United Kingdom today.

“And what’s more, you can see what the last Labour government will do next if you look forward,” the source points out.

“We’re rapidly regressing the country back to the 19th century in as many areas as we can,” the source explains, “so if you look forward you enter the late 1990’s, policy wise, and that’s the work of a Labour government. Then moving forward you enter the food crisis twenty or so years later.”

Now we have settled on who to blame, the major function of this government, we just need to wait and see which plucky little party loyalist will call Labour out for starving our kids!

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Boris Johnson celebrates successfully negotiating with UNICEF to feed hungry British children

WORLD BEATING : UK PRIME MINISTER, BORIS JOHNSON, HAS ONLY burnished his already fulsome reputation since taking office. It’s fair to say he’s built on the 10 years of Tory government since 2010, and now has a raft of world beating achievements.

“Full to the brim with success,” a Downing Street insider told LCD Views, “we’re bursting at the seams. The cup over flows you could say. Thigh slapping stuff!”

The reason for the extra seasonal cheer is the successful negotiation between Her Majesty’s Government and UNICEF.

It was announced today that the 6th biggest economy in the world, with roughly 145 resident billionaires, has successfully negotiated for the United Nations programme to feed hungry British children.

“This will save us money that can be spent on nuclear weapons and the reimposition of anachronistic trading systems last seen decades ago.”

The food parcels will also free up additional public money that can be spent on PPE contracts to people who have Matt Hancock’s phone number, and pay rises for Dom.

But not everyone is happy about the gold standard deal negotiated with Unicef, that sees Britain once again headline news around the world – for the achievements under Mr Johnson.

“Liz Truss is a little put out. As she is the master negotiator.”

But Ms Truss need feel no ruffling of her feathers, as she only negotiates short term continuity arrangements, which will expire and allow our international partners to come back and have another go, when we’re really desperate. A hum, Brexit.

To mark the feeding of British children by Unicef the UK’s parliamentarians are expected to have a champagne Christmas dinner before going into recess until 2021.

“It’s moments like this that we all went into politics for,” a member of Mr Johnson’s cabinet told LCD Views, “knowing that David Cameron’s big society is now truly international.”

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UK leaves Erasmus out of fear EU uni’s will tell UK school leavers “WW2 is over”

ALL BY OURSELVES : THE UK GOVERNMENT has confirmed today it is not seeking to involve British school leavers in the European Erasmus exchange programme after the end of the Brexit transition period.

The move, described as “so far sighted it’s gone around the world and is looking into its own backside” by supporters has been taken over concerns about ideological impurity seeping into British thought from across the Channel.

The primary worry appears to be the fact that numerous European universities seek to teach university students that WW2 ended three quarters of a century ago, and having learned the horrible lessons of that terrible conflict, Europe now seeks to work together to avoid a repetition of past horror.

“That’s not Brexit,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “we stand alone against Europe once again! The war isn’t over, it was just resting.”

The sensible decision will build on the history curriculum taught in state schools which is focused entirely on WW2 from an increasingly distilled English perspective, with the occasional break to learn about WW1.

“It’s not much point obsessing over the conflict for twelve years in school, to keep the Blitz spirit alive, and have the patriotic British young ready to live through it all over again, if you then go and ship them off to Europe. Worse still, they may even pick up some ghastly inferior European tongue.”

Of course travel to university to study will still be available for very wealthy British children, but most will have been to Eton and by then “the damage is already done.”

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Williamson – “You didn’t see teachers moaning about CV-19 in the Blitz!”

NOTHING A SPITFIRE FLYOVER WON’T FIX : The idiot’s idiot, Education Secretary Gavin Williamson, has slammed Greenwich teachers for what he has (allegedly) called a lack of Blitz spirit.

“It’s not as if we needed more evidence that modern man is going soft,” an imaginary someone claiming to work with Williamson told LCD Views, “and let’s face it, you didn’t see teachers complaining about catching Covid-19 in the Blitz. Did you? No. They got on and teached.”

But teachers in Greenwich are complaining so much they’ve even attempted to close schools. Just because most of them are now sick.

“Look, do they want a national day of clapping or not? In recognition of their suffering and sacrifice? Do they want a badge that says care? Teachers need to have a good, hard think.”

Happily for the former fireplace salesman he has levers to pull. And luckily for the teachers that he retrained as Education Secretary in the first place.

“He is forcing them to keep schools open for a few extra days. Essentially demanding that more of them catch Covid before Christmas. That’s how much he cares about education. He is willing to sacrifice his own troops like a WW1 general faced with a machine gun nest and limited imagination.”

And Williamson is calling in the army to help.

“It will be a carrot and stick approach,” the aide says, “there will be a Spitfire flyover over Greenwich schools next week to remind teachers of what they lack in commitment. But we will also be requesting the Navy moor a nuclear sub in the Thames at Greenwich. If teachers won’t go to school we will consider using Trident to force the issue.”

The navy however is believed to be less than keen on the request.

“The way that class A idiot is handling Covid and schools he doesn’t need nukes. He’s a weapon. A weapon of mass destruction himself.”

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Government advises Britons to stockpile British citrus for January 1st

GET READY FOR SCURVY : Downing Street is launching a series of new initiatives to help patriots best prepare for the bafflingly self-imposed new realities next year.

While most information campaigns so far have been aimed at quickening the pulse of proper British businesses, large and small, the new campaign is aimed at everyone.

”It’s indiscriminate friendly fire,” a 10 Downing Street genius told LCD Views, “consider this the white hot phosphorus of pubic messaging. I mean public. Public messaging. Sorry I’ve been spending a lot of time with the PM.”

The info campaign will be dazzling, as expected, and take the form of recent masterclasses in pubic messaging. Public. We mean public messaging.

“Get ready and keep calm,” the insider informs, “all the classic tropes. Only this time we’re warning people it’s their fault if they fail to prepare and get scurvy.”

Avoiding scurvy will be a priority for global Britons and all are encouraged to stockpile British citrus now.

“If everyone plays their part in the rolling farce and stockpiles a few tonnes of British grown lemons, oranges, even clementines now, it will help them compete in the hunger games to come. I for one will be doing my part and filling my larder with Yorkshire grown easy peelers.”

Switching your preference to British grown citrus, and away from unpatriotic Spanish fruits, will also be a real boost to the British agricultural sector.

“If you buy enough lemons you can save a British sheep farmer,” the insider adds, “and rest assured, rickets won’t be a risk as you’ll all be getting plenty of Vitamin D stood aside in ration queues.”

But British Citrus and put Johnny Foreigner in his Place! Brexit – Squeezing the U.K. till the pips pop out!