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ERG approve Johnson’s deal after he reassures them he has no intention of honouring it

WOULD YOU BUY A USED CAR FROM THIS MAN : THOSE STALWART MEN AND WOMEN WHO KNOW NUFFINK ABOUT EUROPE, THE ERG, HAVE BACKED JOHNSON’S DEAL.

The support of the ERG was confirmed today after a meeting of their Starfish Chamber.

It will be a great relief for the British prime minister who is currently somewhere, doing something with someone, and wouldn’t have wanted to break up his extended seasonal jollies prematurely.

With the support of the ERG in place parliament can reconvene happy tomorrow in voting for a foregone conclusion. Not that what they think about the deal matters.

But some are surprised by the ERG’s support for a deal that effectively breaks the U.K. into three different customs zones. How does that square with the desperate attempt to be as sovereign as a man who decided he wanted to start screwing around on the missus, but still get to screw her too?

“Classic Johnson,” an ERG spokesman told LCD Views, while attending a ceremony to drown a bag of puppies. “We’re well up for it. Now we can continue to take taxpayer money and spend it on puppies. And not on researching Europe.”

Good news indeed.

“And besides, we got the best reassurance we possibly could out of the prime minister. He asked us to consider his record and had he ever honoured any agreement once he’d put his name to it?”

No research group required to answer that one!

“Indeed! It’s easy to support him over this deal to get us out of the EU, as he has no intention of honouring it. Which is why none of us need bother ourselves with understanding what’s in it!”

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Dominic Cummings leads crusade of British quarantine busters from Swiss ski resort to safety at Barnard Castle

SLIPPERY SLOPE : FOR THE STRANDED BRITISH JET SET SKI SET IT LOOKED LIKE HARD TIMES WERE AHEAD AS THE TYRANNICAL SWISS GOVERNMENT IMPOSED A TWO WEEK QUARANTINE AT THEIR RESORT. But all was not lost.

“Help was at hard for frantic British skiers during the Christmas period as many faced having to spend two weeks holed up in terrible conditions in the Swiss Alps,” our man in a snowplow reports, “but just as they were settling down to tears over fondue a hero emerged from the blizzard of Covid.”

That hero is reported to be none other than oddball, weirdo, civil service and trade smasher Dominic “Eye Test” Cummings.

“While the identity of the rescuer has been confirmed eyewitnesses report a man in a bobble hat with a serious chip on his shoulder flinging over the doors of the cosy mountain cabins and telling the comatose Brits to follow him.”

It’s unlikely that Covid-19 is mutating in the Alps so there is absolutely no chance that the hero has brought home any unexpected duty free.

“From the moment of rescue I knew we were safe,” one of the fortunate said on the condition of anonymity, “I can now wander freely around my village secure in knowing that if I have Covid-19 I did not get it here.”

But freedom won’t be quite so speedy as first Mr Cummings will perform rigorous medical checks.

“The exceptional Brits are being housed by Mr Cummings at the seat of his power, Barnard Castle, and all will be given eye tests before release to make sure they’re safe to drive whatever mutation of Covid they may have home. You don’t want an accident on a motorway when you’ve got coughing to do in Waitrose.”

There were rumours that Mr Johnson was considering sending the SAS in to rescue the unjustly imprisoned Brits from their hell hole snow prison but for the moment, they can stand down.

“No one keeps a Brit from his liberty,” said another rescued skier, “I was starting to feel incredibly hot under the collar in Switzerland. I still do, but I’m sure that’s just the excitement of being home and in the security of the world beating British Tier system.”

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Brits ordered to begin training British fish in hand to fin combat

GILL ME STRENGTH : DOWNING STREET HAS ISSUED A DIRECT COMMAND TO ALL PATRIOTS TODAY, AND THAT MEAN’S YOU.

“All Global Britons, of able body, and sane mind, are ordered to head to the British coast,” the edict reads, “and begin training individual British fish in hand to fin combat.”

The instruction is believed to have been issued in order to make British fish ready for the post Brexit reality slamming into the UK like a comet on Jan 1st 2021.

“This is the hour of need for British fish and everyone must step up to the plate.”

It’s not clear at this stage if chips and tartar sauce will be on the plate.

But what is clear is the threat faced by British fish, who are all at constant risk of being caught and eaten by someone who isn’t British. Even if most of the fish caught by British fishermen are not eaten by Brits. That is neither here nor there in the hour of need of British fish.

“In time, with dedication and commitment from the land based warrior race that is Britons, British fish will be able to fend for themselves. But for now they need you.”

What martial art each Briton should train its chosen fish in isn’t stipulated, but it’s heavily suggested that Ecky Thump is the go to art. This will be a significant boost for the British armament industry, in particular the black pudding manufacturers.

“Britain is a serious country for serious people and your leaders are serious.”

It is hoped in time specially adapted marine Spitfires will be produced and the fish can form squadrons of flying fish to take the fight to the forrins.

“Britain’s fish need you! Do your part! Don’t be sat there with an empty plate while a foreigner dines in your plaice.”

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Fine Print – Yorkshire Puddings to be renamed Brussels Puddings under terms of EU deal

ALWAYS READ THE FINE PRINT : THE ERG are said to be on the warpath after someone read the fine print of the deal agreed between Johnson and the EU, and told them what’s involved.

A key cause of outrage appears to be the agreement between Johnson and Brussels that Yorkshire Puddings will be renamed Brussels Puddings from the 1st January 2021.

“It’s essentially an exchange of hostages,” an insider involved in negotiations on Planet Zaarg told LCD Views, “with Brussels sprouts now Yorkshire sprouts, Johnson had to give something back as a show of good faith.”

But all is not lost as the deal is up for review in a few years time, and any facets believed to be detrimental can be discussed again.

“To be frank Johnson has no intention of sticking to the agreement. He just couldn’t be bothered dealing with the truck crisis when he was supposed to be getting hammered for several days solid between Christmas and New Year. Hard to see why the ERG are so upset. To be honest. Which none of us ever are in Downing Street.”

But what about red wall voters? Surely they’ll see the renaming of puddings as a great outrage?

“Look, Boris can claim next year the EU tricked him and continue trading on manufactured outrage. It’s all very neat.”

Any other surprises in the deal?

“One by one you’ll see how you’ve been played,” the insider smirked, “but you’ll have less power over the outcome of the deal than Wallonia. Which has the PM splitting his sides! Ha! Besides, wait until you next buy British fish and chips and have to read the accompanying literature first which explains how it’s derived from European origins. The red tape is just beginning. But you’ve got your sovereignty back.”

But shouldn’t Downing Street find out what voters in Yorkshire think? They will now have to refer to that stable of the English Sunday roast as “Brussies”.

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about them. The prime minister doesn’t.”

Certainly sound advice which every area of the U.K. can take as a guide.

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Boris Johnson attends opening of first “Four Seasons Total Landscaping” outlet in London

THE GREATEST SALESMAN ON EARTH : WORLD BEATING snake oil salesman, and Prime Minister of the United Kingdom, Boris Johnson has kicked off the traditional Boxing Day sales in central London.

While most global Britons were still sleeping off the turkey cocktails and rubbing bellies filled to bursting with roast champagne yesterday, ever restless Mr Johnson was hard at work.

“That’s because he hasn’t gone to bed yet,” an aide to the Clark Kent of international retail told LCD Views, “he had a whole crate of Chateaux Margaux 1996 to work through. There’s no going to bed until the job is done.”

And the job on Boxing Day is to open one of the newest, most vigorous political outlets.

“He brought the first English franchise of Four Seasons Total Landscaping off Donald Trump earlier this month and there’s no better place to situate the outlet than 10 Downing Street.”

What will be sold by the hucksters of international feudalism is eye catching indeed.

“He’s kicked off with some impressive giveaways. He’s given Gibraltar back to the Spanish and NI to Ireland. Norway is said to be interested in Yorkshire, out of a sentimental attachment that reaches back to the early Middle Ages and it’s likely he’ll give the entirety of Scotland away as soon as sales flag later next year.”

But the opening of the outlet at 10 Downing Street isn’t the only change coming to the famous postcode.

“There are plans to convert No 11 Downing Street into a crematorium for the country’s finances, or a dildo shop to reflect the flexibility of the creative economics that goes on inside there. It’s just a matter of deciding which.”

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Boris Johnson spends day building smaller Kent lorry queue out of empty wine boxes

NIGHTINGALE LORRY PARKS : ENGLISH PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON HAS TAKEN PERSONAL CONTROL OF THE KENT LORRY PARK CRISIS AND A SWIFT RESOLUTION IS EXPECTED.

The seizing of the stationary wheel by the PM will also bring much needed good cheer to the thousands of stranded drivers, who are in danger of missing Christmas with their loved ones.

“At least they have each other for company,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “well, until Priti Patel starts deporting them as illegal immigrants.”

But in advance of the deportations from Global Britain the prime minister has chosen to minimise the scale of the unfolding drama.

“He’s hard at work as we speak,” the source continues, “he’s been drinking for the last 48 hours in preparation. French mostly, but one or two cheeky Italians have snuck in. Oh, and even a Riesling.”

And with the wind in his sails the prime minister has now begun to work on his solution.

“You’ll see the magnitude of the problem is rapidly de-escalating. The prime minister has his lorry driver’s play outfit on, the craft glue, the paints and all the wine boxes and crates he’s spent days emptying.”

But how has getting completely hammered help solve what is now a national embarrassment?

“He’s building a new lorry queue now out of the empties. And it’s much smaller than the one in the news. If you believe in yourself anything is believable.”

But critics of the prime minister have pointed out that even his scaled down model hasn’t significantly reduced the problem, as he’s worked his way through thousands of bottles of vino in preparation for his art project.

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You can’t close your borders, that’s OUR job, say Brexiters

TAKING BACK CONTROL: It’s strange that, after four and a half years of abortive posturing, that it turns out that we could have controlled our borders anyway. With over 40 countries now shutting the UK out, Brexiters are getting very hot under the collar.

Typical of the breed is long-standing Tory MP, Ozzie Rules. “We are the ones who close borders!” he thundered, to anybody who cared to listen. “It’s our job! We have taken back control! How dare other countries think that they have sovereignty too! It’s just not cricket! I shall be writing a very stiff letter, a very stiff letter indeed, to Mr Churchill, the King, the Magna Carta, and The Daily Telegraph. This sort of thing must simply not be allowed to happen!”

There is an argument that the other countries are merely protecting themselves from the mutated strain of covid currently sweeping the UK. SARS-CoV-BREXITUS has infected every corner of the UK, and EU countries in particular are guarding against it.

This does not even begin to mollify Rules.

“Why are they calling it the Brexit Virus?” he gasped incredulously. “Brexit is the best thing since sliced bread. I will not be muzzled, I want to superspread Brexit through the whole of the EU so I can keep all my dodgy investments hidden and buy up collapsing assets to boost my portfolio!”

So it’s all about evading scrutiny and making personal gains?

“It’s to stop the woke do-gooding lefty activist EU from poking their big noses into British business,” claimed Rules haughtily. “So how dare they retaliate by closing their borders! It’s a one-way thing. The British act, and the rest of the world tugs its forelock and follows suit. That’s how it’s always been. You would think these countries haven’t heard about The British Empire yet. Why doesn’t somebody just tell them that we are in charge?”

Meanwhile the rest of the world gets on with business as normal.

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Stranded lorry drivers to be given replica Blue Passport to take home as souvenir

LESS USEFUL THAN A POSTCARD : GREAT NEWS TODAY THAT DOWNING STREET HAS FOUND A WAY TO MEND BRIDGES THAT MAY HAVE BEEN DAMAGED BY THE LORRY QUEUE IN KENT.

Later this evening Boris Johnson is to dress up as a lorry driver and visit the 1000’s of stranded EU27 truck drivers. Whether or not Carrie or Dylan will accompany him isn’t yet clear. But either way it promises to be a heartwarming occasion.

“But that’s not all,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “he’ll be bringing each one of them a gift. A token of our appreciation for their choice to stay in Kent this festive period.”

The token will be a replica British Blue Passport which they can take home to remember their working holiday this side of the Channel.

“It will certainly bring a smile to their faces to meet the actual Prime Minister of the United Kingdom,” the source continues, “essentially Churchill reborn. But to add to the charm offensive, the replica passports will find a home in every fireplace, no matter which EU27 country the driver eventually returns to.”

It was initially thought the best way to say thank you, you’re welcome, would have been to rapidly roll out mass testing to convince EU authorities that the drivers wouldn’t be bringing home the new mutant Covid we’ve bred especially in the UK.

“That idea was abandoned because most friends of serving cabinet ministers have already jetted off to the private islands they bought with the proceeds of PPE contracts. So who the hell would you gift the contract to? Hence the passports.”

The only potential snag in the plan is a little trouble getting the replica passports to Kent in time.

“They’re being manufactured in Poland by the same French company that makes the real passports. But the trucks that would bring them to the UK are currently stuck in Kent.”

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Downing Street reclassifies The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse into Tiers

A BRITISH FIRST : GLOBAL BRITONS MAYBE MOSTLY STAYING HOME FOR CHRISTMAS but that doesn’t mean there aren’t new British landmarks to celebrate.

Prime Minister Boris Johnson is expected to ruffle up his famous vanishing blonde mop later today and set the podium out to make an announcement.

“He’s decided to reorganise the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse into Tiers,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, exclusively, “after the success of plague under the current Covid-19 Tier system, it’s felt sensible to expand that across his entire style of government.”

The reorganisation of the famous riders will bring clarity to the country at a time when it is needed.

“The horsemen will also be given a contemporary look. By which I mean they’ll now be sporting solid Union Jack patterns. This will build on the work done repainting the PM’s plane, Airfarce One.”

But we understand there’s still more, as he’s also adding a fifth horsemen.

“This has been the subject of heated debate. Adding a fifth horsemen is a proud moment for the UK under Johnson. Some wag suggested Brexit should be the fifth horsemen, but that sent the ERG into a frenzy at the heresy. They threatened to set up yet another of their world beating research groups. And no one has time for all that. In the end it was decided that Lorry Queues in Kent would be the fifth horsemen. We’re just trying to nail down one word now as its handle before the press conference.”

But while the reclassification of the riders is itself long overdue, the adding of the fifth maybe controversial for the flailing prime minister, as he is likely to be unable to accurately state how many of the new fifth horseman there are. Looking at Kent it’s definitely not just a single rider, there appear to be hundreds of them.

“I wouldn’t worry about that. It’s not like they’re going anywhere. The fifth horsemen are all stuck in Kent.”

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Boris Johnson rejects COBRA advice that he attempts to govern the UK sober

DON’T PANIC : THE UK IS FACING ITS WORST CRISIS SINCE ELECTING BORIS JOHNSON PRIME MINISTER, WIDELY RECOGNISED AS A DISASTER IN ITSELF, BUT NEVER FEAR, COBRA IS HERE.

Shortly before 6am this morning the contingencies committee that deals with national emergencies was convened. It was joined by the Prime Minister, who forgo sleep to finish off that fourth bottle of Chateau Margaux 1996 and see what all the fuss was about.

“We are facing an unprecedented national crisis,” chair of Cobra, Dan the Clandestine Channel Threat Commander, opened the meeting, “it appears the French can understand English. And if we shout for days that we have a mutant strain of Covid and that’s it for Christmas, it will cause a reaction in Europe which could affect travel and trade. Total curve ball.”

The revelation that what is said in the British press can be understood across the Channel is thought to be a serious crisis, given that no patriotic Englishman bothers to learn French. Or any other inferior, foreign language these days.

“Perhaps if we talk more quietly?” Matt Hancock is believed to have whispered.

“We need to go back to talking in Ancient Greek,” the prime minister is believed to have suggested, before farting and falling asleep. Sleeping the rest of the meeting away, occasionally mentioning the names of former mistresses in his sleep.

This was the key point in the meeting and neatly displayed the PM’s genius at leadership.

“He handed us the answer and let us work it out for ourselves,” Dan later told LCD Views, “simply genius. Although whether or not our recommendation that he attempts to govern sober will be taken up is anyone’s guess. He’s still asleep.”