LCD Views

FASH-IONABLE CONTENT : UK GRANDDADDY OF BROADCASTING, ANDY, is to relaunch his career after the BBC bizarrely canned it.

Although, already few can remember what the show he used to present for the Beeb was called, all can remember his unsheathed opinions were given freely, in between the occasional journalism.

That may now all be as extinct as the Dodo, but not punchy Andy! He’s still a tour de force. You just have to look at his Twitter account to know that. Well, you look, we’ve blocked it. But in a show of double standards befitting modern UK journalism, it won’t stop us opining on the subject.

It’s not entirely sure what will feature on the new show, although there is a stellar cast of rent-a-far-right-gobshites lined up to appear already, so you can guarantee it will never undermine the strength of the British knee.

And the strength of the British knee is sure to feature heavily, as an insider has suggested that no less luminary a figure than Sir Roderick Spode will have a weekly feature to discuss just that.

“Alongside the importance of British manufactured bicycles. And homegrown British turnips.”

And even before the launch of GB News Andy is setting out who stall, and surprisingly limiting who can watch it.

“This is because all of the those watching will have to wear the same uniform,” our source says, “and have the same salute.”

What badges, epaulettes and button designs the uniforms will carry is under wraps. This means you’re welcome to imagine it for yourself.

The one thing that is clear, from Andy’s dictate over who can watch, is that he will carry the torch for free speech in Brexitannia, and there will be no cancel culture, unless he disagrees with anything you’ve said.

TOTAL TRUSST : The UK’s trade envoy to the stars, Liz Truss, has taken some flack since taking on her purely symbolic role of providing thin gruel for the tabloids to exaggerate, but not today.

Later this morning the U.K. government’s favourite imaginary minister is to tell the Milky Way of her latest coup at a make believe press conference that will be as real as photos of her staged phone calls.

“Last week I met with representatives of the CCCP trade association,” Ms Truss will beam, “and the only thing I wore was a Union Jack!”

And it seems the choice of patriotic fabric was a smart move indeed, as the CCCP also love their flags.

“Comrade Brexitnev said he couldn’t believe how easy it has been to convince the United Kingdom to leave the largest trade bloc right on our doorstep and travel back in time to him. But he said every rouble, dollar, pound and euro spent funding Tory Party MPs had been money well spent, and more than paid for themselves with the returns.”

But unlike the UK’s now defunct membership of the EU, there will be no referendum for the public to say yay or nay over the proposed union of two totalitarian, trade super blocs. The people are spared the overbearing responsibility of a vote this time.

“Initially the great British public won’t notice too much difference,” Ms Truss advised. “But once the choice in the shops reduces and clear open spaces open up on shelves, and diplomatic spats with neighbours that would otherwise never have occurred begin, you’ll know we’re headed only one way.”

Special commemorative coins will be issued announcing the new arrangements and camps built for dissenters.

“Great leader Boris Johnsonov is also to give a speech and exalt the achievements of the fatherland,” Ms Truss added. “A balcony is being attached to 10 Downing Street as we speak and he will wave benevolently as the military parades by.”

It should also be noted that if Mr Johnsonov vanishes for days he’s just drunk, like so many of the strongmen who went before him.

“The new super pact just goes to show that if you believe in something hard enough, than it’s true,” Liz finished. “Just like my job!”

A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME : DOWNING STREET is to make moves to capitalise on the BRITISH VICTORY IN THE VACCINE WARS AGAINST EUROPE.

Many of the actions will be predictable.

“Boris Johnson has ordered a Spitfire fly past tomorrow along the White Cliffs of Dover,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.

“You probably saw that one coming. We know Macron will! Take that!”

There will also be a new military medal celebrating valour on the post Brexit field of BATTLE.

“It’s to recognise that although we WON THE BREXIT WAR, we will never surrender either our sense of superiority or VICTIMHOOD just to please the UNELECTED bureaucrats in BRUSSELS.”

The war will never end, all can take heart from that, so long as Brexiters govern.

“We need an enemy always or we can’t make sense of the world,” the source clarified. “But the boldest move that Johnson has ordered will be the most effective.”

This is because it will call on the prime minister’s famous MASTERY OF the English LANGAUGE.

“Monday is when it happens. Little Mark Francois has been chosen to do the deed. This will cement his return to front line politics after a regrettable absence, for reasons its best to keep in the longest grass you can find.”

And the deed will be linguistic.

“Words and talking are his area of excellence and this one act will ensure victory in all and any of the weekly, daily, hourly fights with Brussels that will inevitably occur, frequently, thanks to BREXIT GETTING DONE. So long as BRUSSELS stubbornly refuse to remain alone in the 21st century. And even if they don’t.”

But what is this powerful deed?

“Boris Johnson is introducing a world beating new law that will force the publishers of the Oxford English Dictionary to change the meaning of British to “EXCEPTIONALISM”. And all other publishers of dictionaries. And that’s all capitals. Because that’s how we communicate NOW AND FOREVER FROM NOW IN GLOBAL BRITAIN.”

BRING OUT YOUR DEAD : THE UK’S LORD HIGH UNDERTAKER, AND PART TIME PRIME MINISTER, BUT FULL TIME GRAVEDIGGER, BORIS ‘AL’ JOHNSON HAS INVITED THE PANDEMIC TO PEACE TALKS.

The aim of the talks is thought to be securing a truce with the virus that has ravaged the UK under Mr Johnson’s barely sentient leadership. It is not yet known where the proposed meeting will take place, but most suspect a quiet, country graveyard with appealing views of the surrounding mass burials. What Mr Johnson is planning to wear to the meeting isn’t yet clear, although a combination of Big Tent character and 100% unadulterated horseshit manufacturer is likely to be the pick.

Mr Johnson is further expected to leave his hair uncombed, and may even purposely muss it up for the meeting (by use of a balloon), to wow the virus with his enduring and youthful appearance.

A spokesman for the Prime Minister said that he is willing to “wrap his arms” around his enemy, and that much common ground has already been found in the lowering of the pension bill. Working together, even while appearing to be fighting one another.

“The sweetener for the truce, should it be agreed, will be the titles and baubles that Mr Johnson is prepared to offer the virus, should it agree to a ceasefire.”

Many will recall how easily the middle ranking diplomatic service non-entity Lord Frost was convinced to let the EU make a complete and utter fool of him, just by virtue of the gift by the prime minister of more unearned British privilege.

“Covid will reach an accord with lands and titles in Kent. We believe it will live well by the sea in Thanet. Or perhaps even in Essex, where it can work hand in hand with control freak, apparently reformed death penalty champion Priti Patel. They would make a famous pair, as they both excel at ending freedom of movement.”

DIGGING FOR BRITAIN: Brexit expert and top Tory fish fetishist John Redwood wants us to grow everything we need in this country. Right now, the UK needs a vaccine for covid, so Redwood is suggesting that we grow our own.

After all, he has already hinted that the UK should become self-sufficient in bananas, tea, and of course fish. 

Redwood rarely appears in public these days, his Vulcan blood meaning that Priti Patel is liable to deport him on sight. He directs operations from his secure bunker in a secret location via social media.

As usual, Redwood gives no guidance. But his gang of loyal followers insists that covid vaccine seeds are readily available. It is every Englishman’s duty to cultivate a covid cure, in the sunlit uplands where anything grows.

After all, on Redwood’s advice, we are all stocking our garden ponds with happy, British, fish and chips that spontaneously leap out of the water, battered, fried, and ready to eat, on command.

England is a nation of gardeners, now that the shopkeepers have gone out of business thanks to our Glorious Brexit. Every garden now boasts groves of coffee beans and a feature tea plantation. Banana palms are flourishing in the January cold and rain, fed by Belief In Britain and ample quantities of manure supplied by Redwood himself.

Thanks to Redwood’s patriotic fervour, even the smallest back yard is now capable of supporting a herd of cows. Households up and down the land are joyously cultivating bees, since Redwood has deemed banned pesticides to be harmless. It is truly a land of milk and honey.

But pride of place, next to the magic money tree, and between the coconut palm and the pineapple plant, goes to the Vaccine Bush. This sprouts vials of British vaccine, branded with the Union Jack, whenever an Englishman cries “What ho, old bean!” Huzzah! It’s a triumph of swivel-eyed jingoism over reality.

Or, alternatively, all it means is that Redwood has taken charge of a stash of hallucinogenic drugs belonging to Michael Gove.