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Dido Harding features on milk cartons as concern over disappearance deepens

THE £22 BILLION POUND WOMAN : Police and community groups are appealing for the public’s help today after the disappearance of Covid tsar Dido Harding continues deep into the new year.

The vanishing of Dame Dido Harding does not seem to have particularly concerned the government, which is not unusual, as billions have already been handed over in private contracts.

Some would say she has served her purpose. But we are not doing the sums.

“We may attempt to use the world beating Track and Trace system built by Harding to find herself, but there’s some concern it doesn’t function properly and any leads will come too late to be useful,” a Met spokesman said.

In the interim the public are warned not to approach Harding, should they spot her, but to phone a number at the Department of Health that will go straight to voicemail.

“It’s very important Harding is not startled. She may vanish into the scrub again if she is. We need to locate her urgently, so if you see her, just keep walking.”

But there is an anticipation that no less eminent figure than Matt “those men who died on those beaches” Hancock will shortly get involved.

“Dido needs to be located,” an aide to Hancock told LCD Views, “as she’s the best person to organise the races at Cheltenham. Hang on, maybe she’s there? Mucking out the stables?”

In other news, the public is increasingly hopeful of an actual resolution to the deadly Covid crisis, otherwise this year’s racing festival may well be interrupted…

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Public warned to stay indoors as new mutant strain of Boris Johnson dithering worse yet

THE STRAIN OF JOHNSON : Testing times for Britons as scientists announce they have identified an even more severe strain of dithering at 10 Downing Street.

“We advise the public to stay indoors whenever possible,” lead researcher at the Institute for the Study of Kakistocracy told LCD Views, “this new mutant strain of prime ministerial dithering is even more infectious than the previous ones, and they were bad enough.”

Of course not everyone can take the precautions necessary to protect themselves against the mutant Johnson.

“If you work in the NHS we suggest you remember the claps of last spring and summer. It’s unlikely you’ll be offered anything else as the PM maybe too busy listening to his backers to worry about you. Except when he needs to play dress up in a medical setting.”

The more deadly dithering will also increase the risk for supermarket workers and public transport employees, as the enforcement of vital measures such as masks is not on the radar at Downing Street.

“If you have to of necessity be in lose contact with members of the public we advise you to hold your breath while on shift. It will do wonders for your ability to swim laps of pools underwater should the blessed day ever arrive that Brits can go overseas again.”

But one of the sectors most impacted by the dithering strain is of course education. Teachers were told to prepare for in class teaching and to additionally prepare mass testing regimes, and then abruptly told to do it all online.

“It’s okay. Eton is fine,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “the rest of the children, the plebs? It’s really not that serious what happens to their education. You can tell that by Gavin Williamson being Education Secretary. I mean no one who cared about the sector would do that!”

There is one ray of hope though, as the vaccinations for CV-19 are currently being distributed.

“if you’re under 70 you should receive your vaccine before 2029. In the meantime just stay home and take comfort from the growing number of Union Jack flags behind the PM.”

Whether or not there will be a specific measure taken to deal with the dithering is down to the actions of the Tory Party. So everything is going to be just fine.

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Boris Johnson says while schools must close tomorrow “Jurassic Park” will stay open

VIRAL DIVERSIONS : THE BRITISH PRIME MINISTER IS TO OFFER sound reassurance, and opportunity, to the tireless parents of this once great nation this evening, even as he ruins their children’s education.

“Some have said the government should have prepared the state sector to go digital long ago, properly financed, resourced and staffed the education system. But then, what would be the point of Gavin Williamson?” the PM will say, before laughing maniacally.

“He’s there to ensure the poor oiks stay in their place. No. No. Let us not worry about their extended festive holidays. Let us encourage them to play.”

And play a plenty it appears is what’s on the order paper, as the PM is to announce an exception to the order closing adventure parks and playgrounds across the land.

“Jurassic Park will stay open!” Mr Johnson will exult, “and parents who don’t know what to do with their children are encouraged to take them there for a day out. Schools may have turned in the 24 hours since I was last on Marr from the safest nurseries in the land to dangerous pits of disease, but the famous dinosaur fun park will stay open! It is perfectly safe for you and your children there.”

Although there was one note of caution.

“Probably best to leave the grandparents at home though, as they can’t run very fast,” he will advise, “but for everyone else the velociraptors will ensure there is plenty of social distancing.”

Go Out. Protect Yourselves. Happy Hunting!

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PM to announce “Operation Cheltenham” tonight – as fears grow for racing calendar in year two of Covid

FURLOUGH THE FURLONGS : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is to address the most pressing concern across the United Kingdom this evening when he addresses the nation at 8pm.

While some nanny state minded types are handwringing over education and protecting the elderly, those with their finger on the real pulse of the nation’s elite are concentrating on more important matters.

“It is vital that we end the pandemic in time for the 2021 Cheltenham Festival,” the Prime Minister is expected to say, “while at times I have felt like Atlas struggling to hold an entire orb of Covid aloft, when it comes to kicking off the racing calendar I am to throw off the toga and become like Speedy Gonzales!”

He is expected to go on to pledge that a great national effort is called for “once more upon the beach, dear dad!” to end the pandemic once and for all.

“It is a race against time now to see who will win as we enter the closing stages. In the next few months everyone in the UK will have received either a shot, half a shot, something vaguely resembling a shot of a CV-19 vaccine, or caught Covid-19. Certainty is upon us! Let us lift up our faces to the heavens and drink in the rain of plenty! Tomorrow is a better day! Regardless of what I did to ruin today! Ha!”

To ensure the pandemic is wrapped up and the money banked by various vested interests a special task force will be set up.

“If necessary I will take personal control of Operation Cheltenham, but I have, for now, instructed Track and Trace to locate Dido Harding and she’s going to have first crack of the whip at it!”

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VAT Free Tampon to replace Lion on U.K. Coat of Arms

TAKE THAT EU : Amazing news for freedom loving, patriotic, Global Britons today with the announcement of sweeping changes happening across the U.K., thanks to Brexit.

And it’s not all just catch up to things Germany and France have already done, curiously before the U.K. completed Brexit.

The latest big announcement today is a change to the country’s symbols. With the UK’s coats of arms seeing amazing changes. Not just the Royal Ones, all the useless ones too.

“From midnight today, GMT time, a VAT Free Tampon will be added to all coats of arms,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “bit of a scoop for you to hear it all first. Don’t leak it. But when you do say a Downing Street source told you.”

But if something is being added something else maybe coming away?

“Yes. The lion is out. Because that’s a bit bloody French. So the tampon will take its place. A great British invention, completed just the time for Brexit. Take that EU!”

And to ensure that the EU really can’t miss this dramatic symbol of UK’s new status as a sovereign equal, the PM himself is involved.

“Tomorrow BoRiS Johnson will dress as a patriotic, Union Jack coloured tampon and roar at France from the White Cliffs of Dover. Being sure not to get run over by an earthmover obviously. We don’t want his eminence lying down in front of one!”

And for sticklers to tradition there is reassurance it’s not all change. The Unicorn is staying.”

“As nothing better symbolises Brexit than a fantasy animal with a horn on its head.”

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OxfordAstraZeneca team begin work on a vaccine against Gavin Williamson

EDUCATION MATTERS : THE TEAM THAT PRODUCED ONE OF THE COVID 19 VACCINES have announced they are already hard at work on a new research project.

It seems the international collective, based in Oxford, are not satisfied with merely vaccinating against CV-19, they aim to go one better.

“We’ve turned our attention to Gavin Williamson’s disorder,” one of the researchers told LCD Views, “he’s had nearly a year to make schools safe to teach in and has done bugger all but mouth off like the little squirt he is. It’s causing chaos and harming the life chances of millions of kids. Not to mention the stress and danger to teachers, and the broader community. Essentially he is a virus in the educational system. We aim to cure it.”

It’s believed one of the main vectors for Williamson’s is British Exceptionalism.

“He was made a minister based on how readily he toadies up to the bigger, more popular boys, and internally he’s inadequate enough to pledge loyalty to Brexit. But now he’s in office it’s produced an undeserved feeling of Exceptionalism, which is essentially the protein spike on the scrap of rudimentary RNA that is Gavin.”

It’s believed in order to stop the damage caused by Williamson it will be essential to get him to “go away and shut up”.

“We think the vaccine will probably be like a mirror. But one he has to look into. One that adheres to his stupid f*ck#ng eyeballs until he crumbles under the weight of self reflection and crawls away into a corner like the spider he keeps to impress the girls. That ought to do it.”

We would like to wish the team speed and success. British Exceptionalism is stopping our entire government realising how inadequate they are. Cute is needed fast.

And as for serial incompetent Gav? We’re sure there’s a special fireplace in Hell set aside for him.

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Recording of Big Ben to play tonight to mark Brexit because actual bell is too f*ck#ng embarrassed

BREXITING ON EUROPEAN TIME : 10 DOWNING STREET HAVE CONFIRMED TONIGHT THAT A RECORDING OF BIG BEN WILL PLAY AT 11PM (GMT) TO MARK BREXIT.

It had been hoped that the famous bell would toll to mark the end of the United Kingdom in person, but there are reports of trouble getting it to comply.

“The bell is not happy,” an insider in the Elizabeth Tower told LCD Views, “it is closely associated with British democracy, one of the symbols of the Mother of Parliaments, and after yesterday’s sham in the Houses of Parliament it has declared enough is enough and refused to cooperate.”

Why a mere few hours of debate on the legislation affecting the final act of Brexit was unacceptable to the bell isn’t yet clear, as that is now the democratic standard in the United Kingdom. More power to the executive and less for elected representatives. It’s what the reps voted for after all. Mercifully their pay and conditions are unaffected.

The embarrassment of the bell’s refusal will definitely come as a surprise to Brexiters, who are all idiots.

But happily recordings of the famous bongs do exist and one will be played to mark the time the UK regains the sovereignty it never lost. The time chosen is midnight across the channel, so 11pm GMT. Because nothing better symbolises the UK’s new status as a global powerhouse than following European time in its first symbolic action.

“The only concern is keeping the bell safe from Tory parliamentarians. Mark Francois wants to ring it with his head. Which can’t be allowed as no one would hear the bell over the reverberations in his cavernous skull.”

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UK’s CV-19 Tier system voted “world’s most aspirational”

VIRAL GOLD STANDARD : FANTASTIC NEWS FOR MATT HANCOCK TODAY AS THE WORLD BEATING UK TIER SYSTEM HAS WON A GONG.

The success for the Tier system is a first, as previously it had seemed useless at anything much at all, except slowing the spread of CV-19 to politically sustainable levels.

“That’s because of how slow we react to the viral spread,” a source unreliably claiming to work with Hancock told LCD Views, “not to do with inherent flaws in the Tier system. It’s designed to give the public the impression that we have Covid-19 under control, when clearly we don’t. But most are buying it hook, like and sinker, so on PR terms, it’s definitely holding its own.”

The actual award has been given by the little known Guild of Viruses.

“The Guild of Viruses also include bacterial representatives. They’ve been awarding trophies for horrific responses to diseases since the 14th century. But this is the first time the Tier system has been up for a prize. We’re very proud.”

The most noticeable facet of the Tier system is the thing that catches the eye of critics, and the Guild’s eye too.

“It’s an incredibly aspirational system. Any area of England can start in Tier 1 but rapidly progress through all the levels to Tier 4. It’s exceptionally impressive. And it puts paid to the efforts of those excitable countries that just decided to eliminate Covid-19 early this year. Completely useless countries for PPE contracts. And full of old people! Just cluttering up the housing market. No. We will stick with Tiers until the entire country is in tears.”

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Boris Johnson to lead U.K. in rendition of “It’s a Lovely Day Tomorrow” from steps of Downing Street

LIVE FROM CLOWNING STREET : PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON is to lead the UK in rejoicing at the passing of his world beating Brexit deal tonight.

At 8pm this evening he will emerge like a victorious Roman general, replete in toga, with his betrothed on his arm.

A specially adapted Spitfire x Harrier Jump Jet will hover over the famous address and relay the couple’s stirring rendition across the capital. It is thought that even Dylin the prop dog will join in to add a little bit of family comedic flair to the event.

“Big Ben will bong too,” a 10 Downing Street aide told LCD Views, “with Mark Francois, freshly out of hiding, hitting his head against the famous bell. The sounds of the echoes inside his head will reverberate patriotically in time with the song.”

The choosing of a Vera Lynn song to mark the UK’s triumphant passage of its entirely symbolic legal hurdle is thought to be a fitting tune, given how closely associated all those who fought in WW2 have made themselves to Brexit.

“After the rendition the Prime Minister will lead a procession to the House of Parliament and take his place in the new throne that has been installed where the Speaker’s Chair used to be.”

But the cameras will pan away and fade to black at this moment, so Mr Johnson can have a private moment to laugh at all the MPs who turned up today to provide legitimacy for a world beating act of democratic vandalism.

“Remember, Boris Johnson always promises you a lovely day tomorrow,” the aide winked, “even why he’s trashing everything you hold dear today.”

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Larry the Cat to vote against Brexit deal because he wants more fish

NO SARDINE IS BETTER THAN A BAD SARDINE: A government rebellion is under weigh. Cabinet heavyweight Larry the Cat is spitting furballs over Boris Johnson’s Brexit deal.

Fish is the issue. Specifically, fresh fish six times a day. Proper British Fish, and not that continental rubbish.

“I can’t let this pass,” purred Larry. “I need my fish. It’s been a long running campaign. I have been jumping on Boris’ bladder at three in the morning every night for months now, just to remind him of how important this is.”

Larry stretched himself luxuriously, and rubbed himself up against the facsimile of the Venus de Milo, that Wilfred had created all by himself. The statue fell over and the arms broke off. Larry curled up, unconcerned.

“I even got Dilyn involved,” Larry remarked. “As long as you throw him enough sticks, he’ll agree to anything. Same with most Tory MPs to be honest.”

It looks like the bill will pass, though. The ERG have agreed that it is Sovereignty compliant.

“Sovereignty compliant?” growled Larry. “What the hell does that even mean? As far as I am concerned they are a disappointment. The other parliamentary pets engaged in a guerrilla campaign to change their minds. Every night, one of them would poo in Bernard Jenkin’s shoe. The message could not have been clearer!”

He paused to lick his bottom.

“You wouldn’t believe how hard it is to get through their thick skulls,” he mewed. “I have personally yowled outside Boris’ bedroom door every morning at 5am, while Dilyn has been shredding every cushion he can find.”

But Larry’s campaigning has been in vain.

“He promised me fish,” said Larry. “But all I get is Lidl own brand stuff out of a tin. He promises everything but delivers very little. I’ve had to resort to catching pigeons!”

Larry is demanding that his fresh fish clause is inserted. The claws are out. And if Johnson retracts the clause, Larry has vowed not to retract his claws.