Posted on

British onions renamed “Brexit Balls” as every layer you peel back makes you cry

BREXIT IS BALLS : To make a success of Brexit the meaning of a lot of words has had to be changed, and the long established names of items also needs to undergo a revolution.

Captivity has become Liberty. International Pariah has become Sovereignty. Red Tape has become Massive. Fishing Industry has become Growth Opportunity.

So far, so good. But who is deciding what gets an update?

“The Committee of Gumby,” a Downing Street source informs LCD Views. “also known as the Renaming Research Group, but that’s just so it can claim expenses off the taxpayer. It’s modelled on the ERG. They billed the taxpayer to undertake their research on Europe. You can see how well spent the money was by Brexit. Genius. It’s almost like a lot of MPs are completely on the take. The pisstake that is. Don’t mistake my meaning.”

What have the Committee renamed so far?

“Brussels Sprouts. That’s not news. We all know they’re now Yorkshire Sprouts. It’s freed them of suspicious associations. Spider Crabs are now King Crabs. That’s a new one. Total genius. And we’re not forgetting all the other vegetables. Although Grant Shapps already has multiple aliases, so we’re saving money by letting him continue to rename himself.”

It seems shoppers will need to get used to different, more patriotic names when they tour the overflowing produce aisles of Brexitannia?

“Yes. And today’s renaming is one of the most apt yet,” the source advises.

“We’ve renamed onions Brexit balls, because every layer you peel back makes you cry.”

*Thanks to Not Andrea for starting it 🙂

Posted on

Every UK town to have its own Covid variant by 2024, promises Matt Hancock

VARIATIONS ENIGMA: The UK is getting ahead of the curve again. With the Kent Variant, the South Africa Variant, and in all probability the VW Variant surging across Britain, Matt Hancock has made a promise to the nation.

“Every city, town and village will have its very own covid variant by 2024!” claimed the Wealth Means Health Secretary. “We will be ramping up the roll-out of this world beating programme, just as soon as we work out how to use it to justify emptying the Treasury into private pockets!”

Hancock paused to mop his overlarge, perspiring forehead with one of the Union flags that festooned his cubicle. The startled, rabbit in the headlights look continued to haunt his face, and a vein throbbed in his temple as if he were Dominic Raab’s evil twin. 

“We are leading the world in this respect!” he crowed, forcing a rictus grin which somehow made him look even crazier. His eyes bulged dangerously in their sockets. “And to ensure the success of the project, it will be headed up by Dido Harding!” 

Online pandemonium ensued. Hancock just about managed to disconnect Zoom, and take cover in his mandatory WiFi-free safe room. 

The implications are startling. Where could this policy end up?

“Each city, suburb, district, neighbourhood and street could have its own variant,” warned WHO Doctor Reg Eneration. “You could see a different variant in every house. The 23 Acacia Avenue variant could be deadly to the residents of number 21 and 25. Talking over the fence could become an arrestable offence, or would be once the Police Force Variant is under control.”

Stopping the virus from spreading any further seems to be the logical thing to do.

“That assumes that anyone wants to stop mutations,” argued Dr Eneration. “And all the evidence points the opposite way. So we may as well embrace it, literally as well as figuratively. We all have to go one day, after all.”

And there will be a statue of Matt Hancock in every deserted village.

Posted on

“UK now leading the world in shellfish preservation” – Boris Johnson

OH FOR SCHUCK’S SAKE : THE UK HAD TO LEAVE THE EUROPEAN UNION OR THE “MANDATE” DERIVED FROM CRIMINAL INTERFERENCE IN THAT FAMOUS OPINION POLL BACK IN 2016 WOULD NEVER HAVE BEEN FULFILLED. WE ALL KNOW THIS. Mostly because John Humphrys shouted it at everyone for a few years before retiring from the Today programme. Democracy dies if lies don’t thrive. Isn’t that how it goes? Who cares? No one in the UK political or media landscape much. Because we’re better than all that.

And we all know what we were voting for.

Remainers were voting to remain part of the most powerful trade bloc on Earth, to protect the minimum standards that guaranteed equality in human activities and protected the environment, to maintain the valuable FOM rights that the EU enfranchises members with at birth – regardless of the wealth of the family someone is born into, and vitally, to continue the peace project of the EU on a continent that for thousands of years previously, routinely, slaughtered one another.

And Leavers were voting for a bus.

Because of the industrial scale of lies and false promises some were susceptible too. Say it quietly…some were racist. Some were oblivious. Some just wanted to give David Cameron a kicking. Some were stuck in the 1970’s in terms of labour relations, and still are. So genuinely believed it would improve their lives.

And because one of the UK’s most prominent and powerful Conservative politicians fronted the campaign to leave they were wooed. He talked their pants off, as he’s talked many pants off in the past. Who cares what comes next? It’s the gratification of the moment that counts.

And no one’s overalls were more successfully talked off than the fishermen of the UK.

And now they’re stuffed. Because now they can’t sell into the market on their doorstep in a timely enough fashion to satisfy their customers, which they were warned repeatedly would happen before the UK triumphantly left the EU. If the EU became the third country it demanded to be.

But a negligent media and a dishonest political class didn’t care about all that. They just kept up the pillow talk all the way through until they’d finished screwing the fishing industry senseless. Pumped and dumped.

And now, for now, the fishing industry is well and trully schucked.

But it’s not all bad. It’s becoming an unintended environmental windfall. And later today Britain’s biggest environmentalist, Boris Johnson, is rumoured to be planning to celebrate it by declaring – the “UK is now leading the world in shellfish preservation!”

But nobody will be buying that either…so what’s next? Re-join the single market? Re-join the customs union? The fishermen should retrain as ballerinas maybe? Ballerinas who are retraining in digital?

No one can say. But what all can agree on is that the catch that has landed is not the one everyone was promised was in the net. Maybe the oysters are happy as clams though? Still on the sea floor? Maybe that’s the only tangible benefit of Brexit.

Posted on

Free school meals to consist of 100% British shellfish

PUTTING TWO AND TWO TOGETHER TO MAKE FIVE: For every crisis there is a solution. On the one hand, there is a surplus of British shellfish we can’t offload onto the Europeans. On the other, there is the problem of Marcus Rashford banging on about hungry children. Isn’t it obvious to combine the two?

“We can’t give the stuff away!” is the cry of the Brexit-voting fishermen who simply didn’t believe in Britain hard enough. Oh yes you can. Give it to kids, who are unable to distinguish sea-based creepy-crawlies from a cheese sandwich and half an apple.

What’s more it’s free, thanks to the government bailing out the fishing industry to the tune of eleventy seventeenty thousand hundred roubles. I mean pounds. Pounds, not roubles. Anyway, each lunchbox will come with links to a website giving recipe ideas for Lobster Thermidor, Moules Marinieres, and Clam Chowder. Nutritious, delicious, and educational!

It’s enough to warm the cockles.

Every single precious British whelk, barnacle and scallop will be individually stamped with a Union Jack and a picture of Boris Johnson. The delighted seafood will leap out of their shells and into the pot, laughing, on command. The resulting dinners will be called Happy Meals.

Suddenly the British shellfish industry is worth crowing about. Crabby government ministers, who have previously tended to clam up, are suddenly queueing up like lorries in Dover to praise the scheme. LCD Views managed to winkle out a couple of quotes.

“This is just fantastic!” gushed Fisheries Minister Victoria Prentis, tearing herself away from the ceremonial opening of a bottle of Merlot. “The EU never saw that coming, did they?”

“I couldn’t agree more,” agreed DEFRA supremo George Eustice. “I’ve just written to them informing them that I didn’t vote for this, and that they had better jolly well sort it out!”

How will the children react when they discover langoustines for lunch? Suddenly the ministers disappeared in a puff of red, white, and blue sovereignty.

Global Britain. The world is your oyster.

Posted on

New drama “Liz Truss – Trade Negotiator” to go into production this summer

LETHAL TRADE WEAPON : There are few heroes in the unfolding story of Brexit. There were too few politicians prepared to abandon previously held convictions to drive through the mandate derived from a fraudulent and criminally corrupted opinion poll, but there were just enough who stepped up to the plate. Who put their careers before country.

And now we need to hear their stories. Their heroic songs need to be sung.

Thankfully, ambitious streaming service, FlagShagga are also stepping up to the plate and hitting the mark (the mark being an entire country and a rules based global order), and have commissioned a new drama focused on the life of a hero who shouldn’t have to wait for Trade Valhalla for their song to be sung.

“Liz Truss – Trade Negotiator is already in the can and post-production will be finished by the summer,” Thor Tradenson, CEO of FlagShagga, told LCD Views in an exclusive interview.

“I’m so confident of its chances I’ve already commissioned the sequel. Liz Truss – Oyster Shucker!”

And the chances of edge of your seat excitement are as guaranteed as the German car industry riding in to save Brexit.

“You’ll want to have your popcorn ready as you settle down to watch the lead trade negotiator of a sovereign, fully independent trading nation hit her strides.”

The strides will of course be Union Jack patterned, just like the trademark umbrella.

“Grip your loved ones tight as you watch Liz take EU negotiated trade deals with minor global players and roll them over for a while, usually at a disadvantage to what was on offer previously. It’s nail biting stuff.”

It’s all high octane excitement as Liz overcomes the challenges a trade superhero will inevitably encounter.

“I don’t want to spoil the fun, but let’s just say the moment Liz runs out of tipex just as she’s whiting out EU to write in U.K. in a trade deal rollover for one year with Narnia will have you chewing your nails to the quick.”

But it’s not just modifying deals already signed and sealed that sees Liz in the middle of do or die moments.

“You’ll laugh yourself silly when she goes to the photocopier late one evening only to find a drunk, fat, fumbling, scarecrow haired, blonde man attempting to photocopy his backside, while mumbling Pericles, after a crate of Bollinger.”

Liz Truss – Trade Negotiator, get ready for the ride of your life.

Posted on

Boris Johnson to remind EU “You need us more than we need you”

FISHY FINGERS : The leader of the free world, Boris Johnson, has a lot on his plate these days. What with overseeing a catastrophic response to a pandemic that has seen over 110,000+ of his voters perish, and avoiding accountability for that. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have time for diplomacy.

Whether it’s privately reassuring US administration officials that he will not let Michael Gove destroy peace in Northern Ireland, or enduring the smooth flow of arms to Saudi Arabia, his Midas touch can deal with it all swiftly, and with little attention to the detail required for long term solutions.

“And he can still find time between the morning’s glass of champagne and the mid morning tipple to spare a thought for the EU,” an invented 10 Downing Street source credibly told LCD Views.

For it seems the EU are increasingly desperate for what the U.K. manufacturererers, and daily more concerned that they won’t be able to get their needy hands a hold of it.

“This is because of the lack of thought they gave to the deal they agreed with the U.K.,” the source continues. “They spent the last several years engaging with the temporary stooges placed in Downing Street by international feudalists as if the U.K. was still a functioning representative democracy who could tie its own shoelaces. Rather than calling us out on what was an obvious load of bollocks from the start. They’ve really only themselves to blame. They’ve certainly not done the voters of the U.K. any favours by going along with the Brexit farce. History will judge them harshly. But we’ve got to deal with today.”

It’s a good thing that Mr Johnson is at the helm.

“It’s essentially like dealing with spoilt children. And Boris knows all about those. He’s been one all his life. He is advised by them. He appoints them to his cabinet. He plays dress up whenever he wants, regardless of what chores need doing, just like a spoilt child too. He can deal with the whining EU. He’s got the skill set.”

But what will he do? Whatever it is he needs to do it fast. The pandemic will only conceal the damage caused by Brexit for long. Sooner or later daylight is going to break through.

“It’s really very simple,” the source shrugged. “He’s going to remind the EU they need us more than we need them. That’ll fix it and fix it fast.”

Posted on

Downing Street to convert all of England north of Watford into CV-19 quarantine hotel for returning travellers

LEVELLING UP, DOWN, ALL AROUND : DOWNING STREET HAS SUCCUMBED TO PRESSURE TODAY TO ANSWER WHAT THE HELL THE HALF ARSED MANNEQUINS PRETENDING TO GOVERN THE UK ARE DOING ABOUT RETURNING TRAVELLERS FROM COVID-19 HOTSPOTS.

For weeks the idea of quarantining returning travellers has been touted as an effective way to prevent the spread of more dangerous variants of the killer virus that currently plagues the UK, but so far all there has been from Downing Street is words and no deeds.

“That’s because our friends like to travel,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “It’s a bit rum to make them shack up with their families in a bloody Travelodge when they just step off a first class flight. Think of the mental health implications? It’s very hard for the PM to do this to donors. I mean friends.”

Other reasons given for the lax approach are suggested to be that the UK is still pursuing herd immunity, the so called ‘take it on the chin’ approach, which has been so successful thus far.

“It’s more because apparently none of our friends are in hotels, and those that are don’t want to touch this with a bargepole. Still counting their PPE winnings I suppose. Ha!”

But in spite of the headwinds it’s believed a meeting of the cabinet today decided the matter, and one that buys into the famous levelling up agenda.

“It was rough sailing initially. Little Matty Hancock was moaning that people keep having pops at him for not using the advantages of an island to prevent a mere 110K and rising people dying of Covid-19. Apparently we should have actually acted like a competent government, whatever that is. They have one in New Zealand, Australia, Taiwan, Vietnam and Japan. But we’re not commies! We’re not doing what they do. Our inherent love of dying prematurely must be protected. Anyway, Matt said let’s drain the English Channel and it all kicked off. Priti went for him with a pair of scissors. It was a lucky escape. They were Johnson’s craft scissors. He’s not allowed sharp objects in case he slips while running. But it was then that someone in the cabinet hit on the winning formula.”

Apparently a few in the cabinet have been getting calls to rein in that crazed MP from outside Leicester somewhere, who keeps writing about the plague with evidence and science.

“That’s not on. I mean, it risks endangering our entire policy. The entire brand of the party. But we’ve got a way to kill two birds with one stone,” the source winked. “We simply turn the entirety of the UK north of Watford into a quarantine hotel. The whole show. Everyone will be so busy finding spare rooms for people to stay in they won’t have time to go on Twitter and argue with the fascists who want to cull the herd. It’s a total win.”

Posted on

Britons set for a post-Covid spending binge, says Bank chief unaware only few Britons got PPE contracts

BY THIS TIME NEXT YEAR : “You’ll all be millionaires!” is the encouraging news from the new chief of the Bank of England, chosen to replace Carney, it’s presumed because of his better ideological purity, as decided by the Cardinals of the Church of Brexit.

The happy expectations will cheer many Britons who may have found lockdown relatively more expensive than the multi-millionaires running the country.

“It’s clear that everyone in the U.K. has just been hoarding wealth over the last year,” the Bank chief continued, in comments we have completely fabricated. “Just look at all the closed shops, restaurants and pubs! People not spending is to blame. Billions must be stored under the mattresses of the U.K.”

And while no one is yet suggesting the Home Office is empowered to forcibly enter homes in order to check under the mattresses, there is an expectation that people will indulge in an orgy of spending, once they’re no longer afraid of dying.

“More than ever we are going to need to rely on consumerism to pretend we still have an economy. When you take the double whammy of a free for all on the public finances to repay the investments of Tory Party donors, thank you CV-19, and the teething problems of Brexit…I mean holy cow, get out there and buy British!”

But some critics have pointed out that while there have been savings on travel for those who can work from home, there have also been costs. The entire household home 24/7 has dramatically increased grocery and utility bills, in a time of rising costs. Also the necessity of purchasing equipment to home school and entertain the children.

“Trifles. Cost wise,” our invented commentary reveals. “I mean, given that everyone in the country has been gifted a PPE contract worth billions, with no expectation to deliver any actual product, the entire country is loaded!”

Posted on

Michael Gove to accuse British exporters of not believing in Brexit hard enough

GOING DOWN DOWN DOWN : MICHAEL GOVE was responsible for preparing British business for Brexit, and it’s fair to say Michael Gove gave himself to the preparations as much as anyone could have, who was in a rush to get Brexit.

But in spite of the titanic efforts of Gove, and the rest of the leading lights in government, it appears that many British businesses didn’t properly prepare for Brexit.

“Beats me,” an aide to Rupert Murdoch’s preferred prime minister told LCD Views. “For five years people were warning British businesses that Brexit would bankrupt them. It’s not Michael’s fault that many failed to appoint administrators.”

And it’s not just preparing to go out of business that many British businesses failed to do. Many also it seems believed the things told to them by Michael Gove.

“I mean, these people must be insane! It’s no wonder they’re not ready for bankruptcy. Who on Earth would believe a bloody thing Gove says? Have they not been paying attention? What complete and utter idiocy. You’d have to have stuffed your ears with daydreams not to realise he just does not care and you can not believe him. It would be a mass display of charming naivety if it wasn’t so serious.”

But what now for all those export and import businesses who find themselves drowning in the red tape that everyone knew would apply to a third country? Which is what the UK demanded it became.

“They have to believe harder in Brexit,” the source shrugs. “If they don’t Gove will berate them for not doing it. Just believe in Brexit. Really, really hard. So hard your teeth catch fire under the pressure, carbonise and then turn into diamonds.”

That ought to do it.

Posted on

Nobody told me I had to do my homework, complains schoolboy, 56

IF YOU WASTE MY TIME, I’LL WASTE YOURS: There is a good reason that young Boris Johnson has been in the lower fourth for 42 years. An excess of charisma and tastefully ruffled hair is no substitute for hard work, writes his tutor. 

“Young Mr Johnson may have had an easy existence thus far,” wrote House Master Kane Wielder. “But I would expect him to show a little more interest in his studies, and a little less interest in the pubs and fillies of Eton, if he wants to achieve the O Levels of which he is capable.” 

Boris bit back. “Nobody told me that homework was necessary,” he grumbled. “I thought it was just so the masters could make themselves look hard. Anyway I can always pay one of the other boys to do it for me!” 

Johnson’s career trajectory is well known. After a year or two of remedial classes, the school became fed up and kicked him upstairs to Oxford. This became a recurring pattern in Johnson’s life. Too posh for punishment, or at least too well connected, promotion was the only option. 

The only remaining question is, how do you kick the Prime Minister upstairs? 

“He still refuses to do his homework,” grumbled Wielder from his cosy retirement home. “There was a deal he signed, and bragged about, but he never bothered to read it. So when the downsides manifest, he lashed out. Read the first paragraph, bluff the rest, and complain he’s ill treated when his essay gets 2 out of 10. He hasn’t changed.” 

Trouble is, the current government comprises a good many upper class twits who have been indulged, like Johnson, instead of being put in their places. 

Instead, their empty heads have been filled with conspiracy theories like Brexit and an unshakeable sense of entitlement. “I’m PM, that proves that I’m the cream of the crop, wiff waff!” as Johnson himself puts it in his latest column for the Daily Propaganda.

Bless him. He did his best!