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Ecuadorean Embassy in London prepares to welcome Donald Trump for “extended stay”

ASSANGING HIS WOUNDED PRIDE : OUTGOING US PRESIDENT AND INSURRECTION SUSPECT DONALD TRUMP has hinted at his next moves.

While attempts to foment civil war by his supporters will presumably continue, even after Joe Biden and Kamala Harris take office, Mr Trump is no fool and is also building up contingencies for failure.

“Donald is used to failure,” an insider in the Trump team told LCD Views, “he’s been failing at everything his entire adult life. Good thing his lines of credit are so, um, sound.”

And he’ll be drawing on those robust credit lines to pay for an extended stay in a small basement room in Lonon should the alleged coup not succeed.

“He’s already sent a Whatsapp to the concierge of the Ecuadorean Embassy in London,” the insider told LCD Views, “and set out his room service requirements. There’s plenty of McDonalds in London. Food should not be an issue.”

What the staff at the Ecuadorean Embassy think about the plans of Mr Trump to come and stay aren’t clear, even if they are used to people on the run turning up and lodging. Sometimes for years.

The decision to choose the Ecuadorean Embassy in London has taken some by surprise, with many pundits expecting him to flee to his Scottish golf course. Or even Russia, although no one can say why.

“At least Donald’s great British friend Nigel will know where to find him easily, so he can continue to come around and ass kiss,” the insider said, “and so long as they are prepared to provide him with a mini-golf course, I think everyone will get along just fine.”

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Boris Johnson scoops major environmental award as UK fish stocks boom!

CONTROL OUR FISH : UK PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON ISN’T HAVING THE BEST YEAR, AND WE ALL FEEL VERY SORRY FOR HIM.

But there is some good news amongst the entirely unavoidable calamities of Brexit, Covid-19 and losing his best mate Donald across the pond.

Today a major environmental group have announced that Mr Johnson is in line to scoop one of their major gongs in 2021.

PysBrishFish, which campaigns for the sustainable use of the seas around the UK, have pegged the PM as a winner. With the runner-ups likely to be Michael Gove and none other than the fishermen’s friend himself John Redwood.

“At the stroke of midnight on the 1st of January 2021 Mr Johnson embarked on one of the most ambitious marine conservation strategies of the modern era,” a representative of PysBrishFish told LCD Views, “he had to be incredibly sneaky to pull it off, but he did. The masterstroke of convincing the UK fishing industry as a collective to act as the poster child of its own destruction was truly a work of political genius.”

But while the plaudits are focused on Boris Johnson successfully pulling the UK out of the EU single market and customs union, not everyone is happy. Nigel Farage is said to be livid, having personally done so much to damage the fishing industry, while pretending to be doing the opposite.

“Nigel did his part. But seriously, he’s under investigation by the FBI, so we worry about being tainted by association. Let’s focus on Boris. With that one act of Brexit he has guaranteed the immediate destruction of large swathes of the British fishing industry,” PysBrishFish notes, “we expect to see the stocks of British fish boom this year. And we’ve Mr Johnson to thank for it.”

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I want to build bridges between our divided communities, says man with track record of not building bridges

BRIDGE OVER TROUBLED QUARTERS: Or, let’s stick together. Crime Minister Boris Johnson has this message for the nation: Just because we have alienated at least half of the population, it’s no reason not to be friends.

“I want to build bridges between, erm, wiff waff, erm, reasonable people and, erm, caveat emptor, erm, lefty activist metropolitan elite scum!” said Johnson shiftily. “My record of building bridges is second to none!”

Johnson threw his considerable weight behind the Garden Bridge in London. The bridge was never built, but not before many millions had been spaffed up the wall on it.

“It was overpriced, and, in all probability, would have been under-engineered,” claimed disgruntled ex-aide Geri Bildt. “His considerable weight would have snapped it in two. It nearly snapped me in two on a number of occasions,” she reminisced, shuddering slightly.

Among Johnson’s other conquests is the sea bridge between Ireland and Scotland. This would cost around £20bn and cross a large munitions dump. Expensive and explosive? This sounds like another job for Dido Harding.

“Would you drive over a long bridge, exposed to the elements, and liable to blow up at a moment’s notice?” asked Bildt, rhetorically. “It’s an excellent Brexit metaphor, I’ll give it that.”

Then there is the English Channel crossing. That’s another Johnson idea which will never get off the ground.

“I have all the bridges, all the best bridges!” countered Johnson, in a passable imitation of his spiritual twin, Donald Trump. “I, er, we, er, Britain, er, yes, Britain has the capacity, yes, the capacity, to build the bestest and bigliest bridges! And I will do the same for the warring plebs! We may have been chained to a rock by the EU, but no more, I say! And like Prometheus, our liver will grow back, better than ever, in Global Britain!”

Johnson also intimated that he was interested in a project to dig a tunnel from a British beach all the way to Australia.

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British atlases to warn of dragons everywhere abroad

Anyone who’s ever studied old maps of the world will remember the phrase that would crop up at random points. Here there be dragons. It was typically used to cover up for the mapmaker’s ignorance of the area so listed, or to discourage readers from visiting there.

Now it seems the phrase is set to make a comeback in British atlases. New government-approved post-Brexit atlases will be including the phrase “here there be dragons” a lot. The phrase will initially be listed over every single EU country, and if the move proves popular, added to every single country in the world except the United Kingdom.

Boris Johnson announced the move at a press conference last night, couched as usual in Latin and Greek metaphors, which was more than a little ironic as both Italy and Greece are to be listed on the new maps as containing dragons.

Critics of the scheme fear the move could further shore up the established undercurrents of xenophobia in the country and turn us even more into the North Korea of the western world, and Boris Johnson’s speech did nothing to allay those fears.

“Let me be absolutely clear,” he began, before launching into the usual unintelligible tirade, eventually concluding, “and that is why we need patriotic British maps for British people, boo sucks to you Johnny Foreigner, these are our maps and we can say what we like about your pathetic little countries in them.”

Meanwhile, to nobody’s surprise, Nigel Farage was quick to shout his support for the plan. “Absolutely – every other country in the world is just full of dragons, except us plucky British Lions,” he told LCD Views just now. Nobody asked him to, he just shouted it at us from outside – oh well, at least he’s not getting into the building any more.

With the impending breakup of the United Kingdom still a major possibility, there are already a couple of revisions pencilled in for future editions. Scotland will be represented with the phrase “here there be Sturgeons”, and the regular dragons line will also be applied to Wales if they too break away. Ironically the Welsh are a little irked at the lack of dragon references to them in the atlases given that their flag boasts an impressive red dragon.

The first editions of the new atlases are expected to be in bookshops by Easter.

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Donald Trump claims he was at Pizza Express Woking during insurrection on Capitol Hill

A PRINCELY DEFENCE : EMBATTLED US PRESIDENT DONALD “MAD ORANGE JOBBY” TRUMP is said to be taking royal inspiration as he prepares his defence against likely charges of involvement in insurrection.

And he’ll need to be swift about it, given that one of his ridiculous sons has posted a video of himself and friends partying as the insurrection took place. Partying while watching the insurrection…

“Maybe they just presumed it would all be alright on the day?” our Washington insider wonders, “after all the people involved on the ground in the so called spontaneous event were even wearing merchandise.”

But it’s best to be prepared and no one will be able to accuse Trump of being tardy about illegalities of the worst occurs.

“He’a going to claim he was having dinner with friends at Pizza Express Woking,” our correspondent says, “at least that’s what unconfirmed leaks from the Oval Office say. He’ll probably go further and say he’s been there for the entire term he is said to have been president. Which he will also deny soon.”

It’s clearly a good defence, just so long as Laura “scuffles” Kuenssberg is reporting on it and not Emily Maitliss.

“He’ll also claim that he has a medical condition which means he can’t sweat,” our imaginary man on the ground says, “as a result of his experience with bone spurs dodging the Vietnam War draft. But that is a little odd, because if he isn’t sweating right now, he should be.”

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Donald Trump denies knowing or ever having even met Donald Trump

THE USUAL SUSPECT : THE OUTGOING US PRESIDENT appears to have gotten himself embroiled in some minor legal problems, and as a result many of his officials are running for the hills.

And hot on the heels of those first out the gates is no less prominent individual than Donald Trunp.

It’s believed the move may have been prompted by some top drawer legal advice from the legal eagles behind the Four Seasons Total Landscaping press conference.

“No one wants to be caught dead standing next to Donald Trump when the music stops on January 20th,” our Washington correspondent reports, “and that includes Donald Trump.”

The move by Donald Trump to distance himself from Donald Trump will not come as a surprise to anyone who has loosely followed the career of Donald Trump.

“Trump is also expected to revert to an earlier form of his family surname, Drumpf, in the expectation the change will throw law enforcement officials off his scent.”

Other Trump family members are expected to follow the lead of the President, with Donald Trump’s sons likely to go further than their father and disguise themselves as pot plants, raising their IQ’s considerably in the process.

“The President will be issuing a statement later today confirming he does not know and has never met himself,” our correspondent adds, “which will actually be an incredibly honest statement.”

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Tory MPs undergo mass hypnosis to forget they illegally prorogued parliament

LOOK INTO MY EYES : THE SCUFFLE ACROSS THE POND ON CAPITOL HILL HAS LED TO SWIFT AND CAREFULLY MEASURED CONDEMNATION FROM THE UK’S LEADING CONSERVATIVES.

But that is clearly not good enough, given it appears that the Tories great ally Donald Trump may have stuck his sticky, bitty fingers into a sedition pie, before licking them clean.

So it seems the need to keep calling out Trump&Sons will not be abating swiftly. This leads many government MPs in a bind, given how many of them expressed effusive support for the Orange Peril.

“We don’t do unconscious bias training,” a 10 Downing Street spokesman told LCD Views, “but we do do amnesia training. We do it to a world beating standard. Wait, what are we talking about again?”

And before anyone forgets what they’re about it’s amnesia training today, tomorrow and whatever comes after yesterday.

“The main problem we face centres on the need to condemn Trump while not appearing to be hypocrites, in light of all the playful stuff we’ve done ourselves.”

This is a reference to lying to the Queen and illegally proroguing parliament and the ongoing accumulation of power without accountability by the executive? Oh, and the expressed desire to trash judicial review so the government can’t be held to account for lawbreaking?

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

Amnesia. For the Torykip Brexit project to succeed it will need to be gold standard.

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Nurseries are safe confirms government as “small kids unlikely to show symptoms of CV-19 they carry home”

THERE WAS AN OLD WOMAN WHO SWALLOWED A COVID : REASSURING NEWS FOR ANXIOUS GLOBAL BRITONS TODAY AS THE UK BECOMES THE MOST INFECTIOUS COUNTRY IN THE WORLD.

While secondary schools and primaries have closed because of the danger of transmittinh Covid to teachers, other staff, students and thus the broader community, nurseries have remained open.

“This is because we build them tough in Brexit Britain and it is vital the smallest children don’t miss out on their first lessons about WW2. It’s the foundation of the entire school curriculum,” a source liaising between the departments of Health and Education told LCD Views.

But announcing a lockdown and keeping nurseries open has led some unpatriotic types to query the inconsistency? But our source has the answers to reassure you.

“It is the case that secondary schools were safe until they weren’t,” the source acknowledged, “and it is the case that primaries were also safe until they weren’t. Personally I blame the last Labour government, they should have done more to make the school infrastructure Covid secure. But we are where we are.”

And where we are is that nurseries are apparently completely safe.

“This is because the smallest of children are unlikely to show the symptoms of Covid infection, thus making them safe. If people don’t see symptoms in other people then they probably won’t know who infected them. Track and Trace certainly won’t let them into the secret either! Ha!”

Following the path of the pandemic. The UK government. From cradle to grave…

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Boris Johnson to illegally prorogue parliament again to prove he’s not like Trump

POUNDSTORE TRUMP : The UK’s prime minister is under pressure today to prove there’s a lot of clear water between him and wannabe US dictator Donald Trump.

”Many have unfairly compared Johnson to Trump and even suggested they maybe related. Boris being born in New York and all. But that rumour is not under discussion today,” a 10 Downing Street aide told LCD Views. “And it is not of consequence that if you fast forward Johnson twenty years you get Trump. Probably right down to the fake tan, given what climate change will do to the U.K. Bigly.”

But what is under discussion are the following similarities.

Contempt for democratic process. Disregard of international treaties. Serial adultery. Lying as a default way of doing politics. Utilising racism for political ends. Dodgy Russian connections. Inability to empathise with the suffering his policy choices cause. Always promising a better tomorrow while making sure that can’t happen today. Mad hair as a symbol of madness. Flag shagging. Overseeing a raging pandemic, when it could have been avoided. Supporters making a lot of money in said pandemic. Loss of international standing.

“Wow! Hold on. Before you mention children. Johnson hasn’t caged them. He’s just happy to starve them. So that’s different. And one more thing that proves they aren’t the same.”

Which is?

“Boris Johnson did not attempt to close down the legislature by encouraging a mob of social media radicalised loons to invade it. He simply illegally closed it. Much classier. And to show how exceptional we Brits are he’s going to do it again, just as soon as he thinks he can get away with it.”

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WORLD BAFFLED! As noted man of action Donald Trump fails to lead charge on Capitol Hill

WHO WILL SAVE TRUMPANZEEOCRACY : DISTURBING scenes from Washington DC tonight as actual democratic process continued its coup to legitimately change the government of the United States of America after a free and fair election.

As the US Senate sat to confirm the election of Joe Biden and Kamala Harris there was a wave building, which may seem rather small in hindsight, but seems pretty bloody big today.

A rabble of MAGA beanie wearing Trumpers, encouraged by Donnie Drumpf and some of his ridiculous allies, took matters into their own hands.

“We can’t have the government change hands in line with the constitution,” one told LCD Views, speaking through an interpreter fluent in idiot (gullible mark dialect), “we have to do something. Mostly that means run around Capitol Hill, steal some furniture and get arrested.”

Police struggled to hold back the loyal Trumpanzees as they were faced with a situation where lack of foresight was clearly one of the most visible features.

But the tragic and farcical scenes did eventually raise a question that had no immediate answer.

Where was the Commander in Chief of MAGA? Where was the Grifter in Chief himself? Why wasn’t he leading the charge to save American democracy from democracy itself?

“He would have been here,” the idiot told us, “but it’s his bone spurs see? They can strike at the most inconvenient times. Like they did over and over during the draft for Vietnam.”