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Downing Street to give Wales the Elgin Marbles to head off calls for return of Stonehenge

DYCH CHI EISIAU CLYCH CARREG NEU FARBLIS : Downing Street is on the front foot today with its open hands extended with the promise of a major gift to Wales.

“We’ve enough bally trouble on our hands dealing with the jocks and the Irish,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Last thing we need is the Welsh getting ideas and raising the Red Dragon. They’ve been happily ruled by England since the medieval period. Why risk upsetting all that?”

And to try and get in front of any moaning from the western provinces the ‘Union Unit’ in Downing Street, tasked with keeping the U.K. intact, has had a brain explosion.

“We don’t want to go handing back Stoned Henge, no matter what the professors discover. It’s our stone circle and we need to keep it for periodical dead cat stories about dynamiting it to widen the motorway that runs beside it. So we need to give the Welsh something of equal value to show how much we care.”

The something of equal value is the Elgin Marbles.

“Giving them the Marbles is a win win. We get to shut up the nationalists in Wales. Wales now has to argue with the Greeks over them and we get to keep the Stony Rock Hierographs. Everyone is happy. And best of all, mates of Tory ministers will land some amazing contracts to safely store and move the Marbles to Wales. After locating, planning and building the visitors centre. There’s gold in them there hills! Get in!”

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Wales to demand return of Stonehenge

ROLLING AWAY THE STONES: Nationalist fervour is starting to seep into Wales. The rocks that comprise Stonehenge came from Wales, and now Wales wants to take back control of its boulders. 

“We proud Welshmen believe that Welsh monuments belong in Wales,” remarked henge hunter Craig Las. “The bluestones will return, and then we will rebuild Offa’s Dyke to keep the English out!” 

Stonehenge has been part of the English landscape so long, that Las might find himself on rocky ground. 

“Las is between a rock and a hard place,” replied English archaeologist Po Stoles. “He sounds like a heretic. Once upon a time they were stoned!” 

We are caught between an immovable object and an irresistible force. 

“Stoles can rock on,” grumbled Las. “People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones!” 

It is a matter of fact that some of the stones used to form Stonehenge were mined in the Preseli Hills in Wales. What is not known is how they rocked up in Wiltshire. 

“They have been here forever!” claimed Stoles, clutching at straws. “And they are going to stay. Rock ‘n’ Roll? Well, these Stones ain’t Rolling nowhere!”

The atmosphere turned stone cold.

“The English stole them, obviously,” said Las, stony faced. “We Welsh patriots have always slated them as thieves. The English stole our land, our leeks, and our legends. I’m chalking this one up to them as well!” 

Whether true or not, patriotic Stonehenge fans are examining the rocks for marks of origin. Any of the monoliths bearing either a George Cross or a Welsh Dragon will be identified, and used to establish the true ownership of the monument. Such rocks are known as flag stones.

Stonehenge is astronometrically aligned, like a giant timepiece or an elaborate sundial. The ancients who constructed Stonehenge clearly wanted to rock around the clock. 

The clues lie in the ground in Pembrokeshire: the ancient footings of a stone circle. It’s like the Rosetta Stone for boulder chasers. 

A row over rocks? Stone the crows!

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No Regrets from Tory MP who got Union Jack flag tattooed on their face

HOW DEEP IS YOUR LOVE : Speculation is rife this morning over the identity of the Tory MP who has had the Union Jack flag tattooed onto their face.

The move to get patriotically ink’d is believed to have followed a night of heavy drinking with the Prime Minister and may or may not have been the idea of Princess Nut Nuts, but sources are keeping tight lipped about whose idea it actually was.

“That’s because tattoo parlours are supposed to be closed at the moment,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “You’ll have to wait until they’re interviewed on TV and see if you can guess. Although the tattoo is very realistic, so there is a risk they’ll just blend into the background with the giant flag hanging limply on its stunted pole in front of their bookshelf.”

There is also speculation, fuelled by insiders, that the reason for the secrecy over the identity of the male MP, who used to be a minister, and is now in his 50’s, is because of a mistake made during the actual tattooing.

“The tattoo is definitely not upside down and actually inked in the way you display a Union Jack in distress. That’s definitely not what happened. No chance the tattoo only looks happy when the short statured, chubby little floater of U.K. politics is doing a handstand.”

The Westminster bubble will continue to buzz with rumour and speculation, and Covid, but there is some happy news for whoever the mystery member of the ERG is.

“It’s an exceptionally forward looking move,” the Downing Street source said. “Boris Johnson plans to de-select all his current MPs at the next GE and just stand Union Jack flags with blue rosettes on them stead. This is the only MP with an outside chance of being selected to stand, so long as they can keep really still and thoughtless when the selection process occurs.”

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Everyone in U.K. happy Boris Johnson got Brexit done so we could move on

THIS SKEWERED ISLE : A new survey of the U.K. population by NoGov, a polling organisation that keeps its finger on the pulse, has revealed the current U.K. attitudes to Brexit.

The most common response to “What is Brexit?” was that it’s “Got done”. The survey also revealed a total lack of understanding of what that means. Not that that matters, as it has never mattered.

And the survey also revealed a characteristically British understatement to the project.

“People think it’s best not to mention it in the presence of Continentals,” a NoGov staffer told LCD Views. “We don’t want to embarrass them, given the difficulties they are clearly having dealing with their new realities. We know the French will just be privately embarrassed to have lost out, especially now that they have to deal with the direct competition of English champagne in the market. The Spanish are distraught as we’re no longer around to help them have a country by filling it with retirees, many who only want to help them learn English. And don’t get me started on the Italians. Their governments are so unstable, their supposed strongmen just manchildren.”

There was also concern for the Dutch. “Where are they going to put all the money?” was a strong concern, as they are clearly surprised by all the business that used to clutter up London turning up in Amsterdam.

But the survey did have good news for Britain’s sovereign, Boris Johnson.

“People are just happy he got Brexit done,” the staffer revealed. “Now we can talk about other things. Like our world beating approach to Covid-19.”

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Downing Street to investigate why “Fawlty Towers” appears as hotel option on new hotel quarantine booking website

IT’S NOT LIKE IT MATTERS : DOWNING STREET is investigating many things these days. What craft glue is best to use when making model buses? Are all blondes attracted to the prime minister, or just a few? Can you beat a pandemic by refusing to eliminate the virus that is causing the pandemic?

“We’ve got our best people working on the case,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And happily the majority of the media is going along with it. And so are MPs. Who wants to eliminate CV-19 when there is so much to find out? That’s why we won’t pursue elimination as the policy even though over 120,000 people are now dead. And we still get to be the government! It’s a mad, mad world. Today we’re finding out what happened to our hotel quarantine booking website!”

And what happened to the hotel quarantine booking website is the big question of the afternoon. After it crashed. Hours after they launched it.

While some minor critics will use the crash as another example of not being able to run a piss up in a brewery, that will be entirely unfair given that Boris Johnson is the piss up artist in chief.

“The prime minister built the quarantine website personally out of old wine crates,” the source adds. “So it’s a high quality job and definitely not something just outsourced to one of Dom’s madcap mates for a fortune to harvest everyone’s data to sell on to dodgy, overseas corporate interests. We’re buggered if we know why it doesn’t work. Just another day in the office really.”

But one thing that is certain is that the list of hotels available is part of the problem.

“It’s not fair to say that Fawlty Towers shouldn’t be on the list of hotels to choose from. John Cleese was a famous supporter of Brexit and it’s right we direct business to his hotel in thanks.”

But while the hoi poli may have to stay in Torquay the members of the cabinet, their family and chums at least don’t have so far to travel.

“When the website is up and running The Ritz will still be there as the default booking for all ministers of the government. The rooms need to be big enough to accommodate their Union Jack flag poles after all. It’s a matter of national interest.”

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Stanley Johnson to front campaign to raise awareness over 10 year jail terms for breaking CV-19 travel rules

TAKES ONE TO KNOW ONE : THE UK BREATHED A SIGH OF RELIEF when it was announced the Prime Minister’s dad had been fully vaccinated against CV-19, mostly because of how many random members of the public he makes contact with.

Whether it was overseas holidays, or day to day public transport use, it seemed not a day went by without the sire of the UK’s biggest and best known dumb blonde joke hitting the news stands.

“So when the time came this morning to choose a well known face to front the campaign to raise public awareness over the heavy new penalties for breaking travel restrictions, Johnson senior was the only choice.”

And in order for the campaign to have maximum effectiveness it will have to invade the public attention as readily as a virus protein spike in your windpipe.

“The campaign will actually be exceptionally clever. You won’t even notice any change in Stanley’s day to day behaviour. He’s going to be asked to carry on as usual. He’ll break restrictions here, there and everywhere and be filmed doing it. It will be exceptionally cheap to produce, which is nice. The savings can be given to a Tory donor in the form of a PPE contract. Really efficient use of limited public resources. We can all be proud.”

But to ensure maximum impact each time the PM’s dad is proven to have broken the new rules, he will escape all punishment. This will have the public rapt.

“It’s one of the tangible benefits of CV-19. There’s now a long list of government figures, and people associated with them, documented to have broken CV-19 restrictions and SFA has happened to them. It helps condition the plebs for life in Brexit. Well, those that survive the pandemic long enough to enjoy it.”

Keep a look out for Stanley in your neighbourhood and know if you spot doing something dodgy, you’ve been taught a lesson.

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Matt Hancock listed on the London Stock Exchange in major boost to city

INVEST IN MATT : THE UK’S HEALTH MINISTER, Matt Hancock, maybe under increasing media speculation regarding all the PPE contracts he’s dished out like candy to friends and associates, but that isn’t slowing him down.

“Everyone is so distracted by Amsterdam overtaking London as the trading capital of Europe that they’ve not fully appreciated what a world beating investment the Health Secretary is proving to be,” our Financial Services analyst comments.

“People who put their faith and money in Matt years back are now reaping amazing returns. With interest rates historically low on traditional investments, buying shares in Matt is a proven profit maker. And there’s still a lot of his soul to buy shares in. I would go long on Matt today. The risk of him being shorted is minimal, so long as Boris Johnson needs a series of shields he can hide behind during the pandemic. And beyond. While the stated aims of the NHS shakeup look agreeable, it’s likely that’s a load of bull manure and a cover. Matt has a lot of work to do still, so long as he can continue to swallow it.”

And given Mr Hancock famously said he could never support proroguing parliament in the service of Brexit, that it would go against everything those men who died on the beaches [WW2] died for, and then turned about face as quick as you like and supported the prorogation of parliament in the service of Brexit, it’s like he’s a rich seam to mine into the future.

“It’s not only shares in Matt that are returning amazing returns. Whether you’ve donated 10’s of 1,000’s to him politically, or simply had a beer with him once, there’s exciting developments in the Matt pipeline.”

The next plan it seems is to relaunch Hancock as a digital currency. The first human to make the transformation.

“The only hiccup currently seems to be what the call the currency? MattCoin is the obvious favourite. But MattCon may prove to be more accurate over time.”

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Government of country exporting world beating CV-19 mutants debating where to take its hols this summer

HEAD BASH WALL : THE UK maybe in the grip of a pandemic so fatally mismanaged that nearly half of its fatalities have occurred in just the last couple of months, but that doesn’t mean it’s time to clean up the messaging surrounding summer holidays. Costa del Sol or Cornwall? So hard to decide.

“To be fair, anywhere not governed by the incredible dynamism of Johnson and Gove is bound to be a popular choice for Global Britons,” our Tourism expert opines. “I mean just imagine waking up one morning to find yourself living under the reign of terror of Jacinda Ardern? You’d have a right tingle up your spine.”

Australia, Japan, Taiwan, Vietnam, South Korea and others are also thought to be popular destinations for lockdown ministers with one hand hovering over Expedia and another on their diary. Those summer holidays are very long if you’re an MP.

“But let’s not forget France and the Costa del Sol. The traditional British destinations are still high on the list of places we aim to visit in Summer 2021. World beating tourist destinations.”

And while the speculation over whether to go to Malaga or even stay in the UK and infest Cornwall is understandable, some minor voices are suggesting other forces may intercede.

“Other countries mostly,” our expert shrugs. “They may bizarrely decide to control their borders. It will be a baffling sight. We may learn how to do it if we watch closely. The motivation could be our ramped up ability to mutate CV-19 at home. We’re not specifically doing it for the export market, but that’s the end result. Maybe the entire Earth will decide to tell us to stay the fuck at home and deal with the Johnson shitshow? It’s too early to tell.”

Newlyn or Seville? Where do you want to take your local CV-19 variant this summer?

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British Exceptionalism listed by UN as a WMD

DUMB BOMBS : The UN has released the updated list today of what are now considered Weapons of Mass Destruction. The list is updated routinely as new technology adds to the array of horrifying firepower possessed by countries around the world.

“This is actually a break in trend,” our WMD analyst reports. “As British Exceptionalism is as old a weapon as the Brown Bess, and in the climate of modern statecraft about as useful when aimed at someone else. Happily though if you point it directly at your feet you can blow them both off.”

And there are other differences to BE in its listing on the WMD list of shame.

“Normally countries develop dangerous weapons with the idea that their enemies will see them as too risky to attack. It’s very unusual for a munition of this potential to be both developed and then dropped on oneself intentionally, and by the government of the country concerned. It’s actually incredibly impressive. The entire UK is ground zero and the shockwaves are felt around the world. Negatively as Coronavirus mutants. But most uniquely, the shockwaves being felt in Europe are also coming in the form of investment and jobs that would once have been in the UK. It’s an amazing weapon.”

But it’s not just the economy that is being blasted to pieces by BE, it’s the health of the nation too.

“Remember when those amateurs from the WHO told the world exactly how to contain the new plague? Based on what they knew at the time, and regularly updated? And the UK government had the example of China and several large, industrialised European countries on what to do, and not to do? And we just shrugged, because we’re British. This is because the UK had just re-elected the living personification of British Exceptionalism, and he was able to detonate himself in unison with the virus. And just look at the damage! Amazing. And even more amazing is the fact that no matter how much damage he does, he is allowed to re-explode each day. This is one of the most powerful dumb bombs ever to be set off. And no one seems willing to defuse it!”

British Exceptionalism, it started as a weapon of mass distraction and it ended up as a weapon of mass destruction. The people in UK politics, their overseas backers, and our compliant media must be very proud. It continues to be an exceptional effort.

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Brits holidaying abroad this year to fill in 71 pages of customs forms first

FACT OR FRICTION: Great news! British travellers planning to use their nice shiny new blue passports this summer for an overseas holiday, will have the added bonus of free paperwork. 

This was vigorously denied by the government fall guy of the day. “British citizens taking a well deserved break this year will not have to complete any extra forms,” said the empty cipher, surrounded by fake bookcases and Union Jacks. “They may have to sign a disclaimer, it is true, but it’s nothing out of the ordinary, we have been entirely clear about this, think about the sovereignty. Sovereignty, I say!” 

The official shifty denial more or less confirmed that the opposite was true. 

“We’re screwed, if you want me to be perfectly honest,” countered travel agent Benny Dorm. “Nobody is booking holidays this year anyway, and if they did, there would be visas to collect, negative covid tests to be delivered and double checked, duty declarations, ham sandwich inspections, and a hundred other considerations.” 

This all ignores the official position on overseas holidays. Summarised briefly, it says,” Don’t book a holiday. Unless you really want to. Even then, don’t go, or do go if you like. It’s a free country, we aren’t going to boss you about, you’re British, you’re above all this petty intransigence. Rule Britannia!” 

Nothing could be clearer. Uncertainty is the only certainty. 

“I have to tell my customers that they must pay up front,” grumbled Dorm. “And no refunds. And they have to fill in reams of paperwork. And their holiday might be cancelled at short notice. And even if they do go away, on their return they will be obliged to quarantine at a cost of £1750 per person. It’s not good for business.” 

With that, Dorm packed his personal effects, turned off the lights, locked the door, and left. 

Welcome to Brexit Britain!