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Donald Trump to claim squatters rights in the White House

OCCUPATION IS NINE TENTHS OF THE LAW: The outgoing President of the USA may not in fact be going anywhere. He is alleged to be plotting to sit in the Oval Office, claim squatters rights, and dare anyone to contradict him. 

Normally this kind of announcement would be made through the medium of his hyperactive twitter account. Now that even twitter has had enough of him, he has reverted to telling “a source close to the President”. 

LCD Views’ wholly owned American subsidiary, Y’all Views (registered in the Cayman Islands, it’s all totally legal and above board, totally) reports that the insurrection is far from over. 

“Donald Trump is moving into Phase 2 of his master plan,” says Permanent Donald Trump correspondent Shi T. Gibbon. “Our source says, and I quote, ‘I have all the winnings, the best winnings, and the Oval Office is mine by right, bigly, I won the election whatever the Fake News Media say, and I will remain in the Oval Office as long as there are loyal gun freaks to support me. MAGA! MAGA!’ So there you have it from the horse’s mouth, I mean the source’s mouth.”

Gibbon also reveals that Trump has mobilised a militia to support his sit-in. These MAGA-hatted (horns are an acceptable substitute) desperados will storm the White House three times a day to bring him a Big Mac, coke, and supersize fries. 

What are the consequences for the new administration? “I think that Biden will simply bypass the problem,” said Gibbon. “There is a contingency plan to cordon off the Oval Office from the rest of the White House. Trump can have his little kingdom, and the rest of us will move forward.”

It sounds like Global Britain, sitting in splendid isolation while the rest of the world gets on with life around it. 

We can only look forward to 2024 when Boris Johnson will stage a sit-in at 10 Downing Street. 

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U.K. Gov slammed over £30 food parcels when UNICEF will feed hungry English families for free

QUITE UPLIFTING : Whoever said philanthropy is dead hasn’t seen the great work being down currently to keep hungry British families hungry for more.

”We all know times are tough,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “and not just because Boris Johnson is unable to take a foreign holiday. Some MPs haven’t been able to access the subsidised bars and restaurants at Westminster for months.”

And while most of the attention is focused on the privations suffered by MPs, some are wasting their time fretting over the lower orders.

“It’s not really for the government to go all nanny state and interfere in people’s life choices,” the source continues, “if people choose to be born poor and hungry that is their right in modern Britain. Imagine if government involved itself? Where would the spirit of enterprise go in the field of social mobility.”

Happily the concerns of the governing class can focus on more profitable areas, such as PPE contracts, after the private sector took over the exciting responsibility to stop people starving to death too fast.

“Some of us are rather uncomfortable with the food parcels that have replaced the food vouchers,” the source fretted, “particularly those of us who lobby for the tobacco industry! Ha!”

And the concerns are mounting over how to feed the nation’s hungry. Concerns about waste of taxpayer money.

“It’s all very well to feel noble dishing out half a British banana to feed a family of four for a week,” the source finished, “but it’s actually an egregious waste of money that could be better funnelled to other party donors. After all, UNICEF has already proven it will feed our huddled and starving masses for free.”

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Nadhim Zahawi to open a covid vaccination hub on Ascension Island for convenience

A SHOT IN THE ARM: Vaccine tsar Nadhim Zahawi is planning to open a one stop shop for covid vaccinations. For the convenience of everyone, well everyone who matters, this will be handily located on Ascension Island.

For extra convenience, the ferries taking eager patients to the new centre will sail from Martin’s Haven, in deepest Pembrokeshire. Underling Tess Coexpress was sent out to explain the details of this imaginative scheme.

“I know Cornwall is closer to the South Atlantic than South Wales,” began Coexpress, fending off the obvious question. “But there is plenty of activity in the smugglers’ coves at present, and we did not wish to interfere with a little black market enterprise in the current climate.”

So why choose a location that is inconvenient even for the locals?

“It’s very isolation is key,” dissembled Coexpress. “We are only thinking of keeping everybody safe!”

Has there been much take-up for the scheme yet?

“The early signs are very encouraging,” said Coexpress. “Nobody has called us ‘a bunch of useless f@#*ing incompetent f@#*ing c&$ts’ on social media yet.”

LCD Views’ Distinct Aroma Of Rat correspondent decided to do a bit of digging. His research threw up three main points. First, Priti Patel has decreed that it will be a one-way trip for “quarantine reasons”. Secondly, the ferries have been organised by the FerryMaster himself, Chris Grayling. Finally, the trip (excluding the cost of the vaccine and VAT) will cost in the region of £25,845.

Those wealthy (and/or daft) enough to access the scheme will be formally deported by Patel, then thrown into the back of a wagon, called the Covid Express. On arrival at Martin’s Haven, many many hours and wrong turns later, the fortunate vaccinees will be taken off the wagon to wait for the ferry. It will be a long wait, since Grayling will not have booked a ferry, although he will have bought pizza for everyone. Stripped of citizenship and rights, nobody knows what will happen to the lucky winners.

But the money raised will go straight into Tory donors’ pockets.

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Downing Street advises fishermen to retrain in cyber

HOOK LINE AND STINKER : Everyone knows that technology lessons can give you an advantage in the competitive modern workplace, and why should fishermen be any different?

As concern grows for the future of the United Kingdom’s remaining fishermen, post Brexit, the government is keen to offer them two pence of advice.

“I have to correct you there, it’s just two pence,” a Downing Street aide told LCD Views, “but once the fishermen have stopped moaning about not being able to fish and enrolled at a Nightingale Tech School they’ll be rolling in both pounds and pence.”

And the new Nightingale Tech Schools are opening at inland locations across England.

“We all know what technology lessons did for the career of the prime minister,” the aide continues, “he was just a lowly mayor when he decided to hire an American girl with a pole to teach him how to turn himself off and on again. And look at him now! Most fishermen already have poles. They’re halfway there.”

But not everyone may want to retrain in cyber.

“That’s why we’ve opened Nightingale Ballerina Schools too. Given the French will let artists into France for 90 days visa free, I’d say the canny fishermen will be retraining as ballerinas and then sailing themselves into French waters without all the hassle and red tape faced by a continental attempting the trip in reverse.”

And while that fishermen turned cyber whizz is waiting for their first job as a ballerina in France they will have all the skills needed to sail the Hogg seas of cyber.

“The government employs thousands of catfish already to help promote its policy platform across social media. Retrain in cyber today and you won’t have to tell stories of the ones that got away, once you set yourself up with a few Union Jack flags and a love of veterans and animals on Twitter!”

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U.K. supermarkets replace fresh food with sovereignty

HOMEGROWN TASTE OF CONTROL : There is no need to panic when seeing empty supermarket shelves as there is an ample supply of homegrown sovereignty.

That is the message being put out today from Downing Street as reports of bare supermarket shelves begin to pile up across social media.

All major supermarket chains will begin filling the empty spaces in their shops with British sovereignty, with or without Union Jacks on the packaging, you’ll be able to tell it’s sovereignty once you open your mouth.

It also means that the days of bargains in supermarkets will continue with retailers being urged to offer two for one and multi-pack deals on the filling taste of having took back control from Brussels. Yeah.

There maybe some minor price hikes necessary to ensure the sovereignty is fresh, but it will be worth it once you tastebuds connect with the unique flavour only available in post transition Brexit U.K.

“We would request that households do not stockpile the sovereignty,” a Downing Street aide requests of the general public, “as we need to ensure everyone has access to it in the event of another toilet paper shortage.”

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“My government is cracking down on fresh fruit and the causes of fresh fruit” – Boris Johnson 11/01/21

DIGGING FOR BRITAIN : U.K. Prime Minister Boris Johnson continues in his ramped up and world beating attempt to see just how crap you can be as a government and just carry on.

As part of the experiment he has already dramatically reduced the rights of the non-millionaire class, while having Priti Patel constantly boast about it. And he got to just carry on.

This solid play at kakistocracy has been equalled by overseeing the worst Covid-19 response on the planet, even though it’s clear by international comparisons that we did not have to pile high death mountain. And still he just gets to carry on.

But it is becoming harder to punish a willing public, as he is working with the results of 10 years of Tory austerity, which is both a blessing and a curse of yours attempting to harm your country. And just get to carry on.

But he is clearly up to the task as week two post his great Brexit deal ably demonstrates.

First the fishermen starting going bust, and Johnson just gets to carry on. And now he’s really putting the acid into Petri dish U.K. To see if he can just get to carry on.

“He’s doing this by overseeing massive supply chain failures, a direct and foreseen result of ripping the U.K. supply lines out of the 21st century,” a Downing Street source celebrates.

“The supermarket shelves are starting to empty as predicted by anyone with even the faintest knowledge of the reality of modern trade, and what non-tariff barriers will do. This is because you maybe able to mentally transport yourself back into the 1970’s, but you can’t do it to your entire economy. Scurvy is next. That will be the crux of our experiment. Will we just get to carry on being the government? Let’s find out.”

And to signal that the U.K. has now entered the scurvy stage of Mr Johnson’s government experiment, Mr Johnson will give a speech.

“He will tell everyone exactly what is happening,” the source confirms, “searching for limes will at least take peoples attention off dying of Covid!”

And the speech will draw on a classic, as is Mr Johnson’s want.

“He will say he is cracking down on fresh fruit, and the causes of fresh fruit.”

And judging by experience so far, he’ll just get to carry on.

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Downing Street says new “homeopathic vaccine” plan will see entire U.K. vaccinated by Sunday

TAKE THAT BRUSSELS : The unelected tyrants in Brussels are reeling today at just how superior the thinking is in newly liberated Brexit Britain.

“It will teach them to throw us out of the clubhouse against our will,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “they can eat our dust. Look at us fly.”

And flying Brexit Britain is, and nowhere more clearly than the race to vaccinate against Covid.

“We were famously first to approve the Union Jack for use on vials of vaccines developed by international collaboration,” the source continues, “and we’re first to establish vaccine super centres so Global Britons can gather together and queue in the race against the killer virus. Think of the sense of community as you congregate? And it’s a good day out. Much better than popping down to the pharmacy or your local GP surgery. Hardly a chance of finding new people to reminisce about WW2 doing it locally.”

But the next strategy to be the first to vaccinate the entire population will leave the Brussels gang gobsmacked.

“This week we are going to step it up an extra world beating gear and begin our homeopathic vaccine play,” the source confirms, “each local authority will be under instructions to pay a major corporation to send a sub-contractor around to the local water supply station with a single vial of patriotically packaged vaccine.”

This sounds truly world beating.

“Then a series of other sub-contractors will perform one task after another until the vaccine phial has been broken and poured into the water supply. Next time you drink a glass of water you’ll be fully protected in a way only Brexit Britain can.”

Genius. Whatever will they think of next!

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Brexit MPs hit out at EU’s stubborn refusal to return to 1970’s with U.K.

SMOKE ME A KIPPER TIE: Brexit supporting MPs are unhappy with EU intransigence. This time it’s the refusal to regress to the 1970s with us. 

If you remember the 1960s you can’t have been there, goes the cliché. Unfortunately the 1970s were so dire, that those who were there have tried desperately to forget. 

LCD Views takes grim pleasure in reminding those who fought in two world wars, but can’t remember what the UK was like only 45 years ago, of the facts. 

Everything was orange and brown. Everything. Wallpaper, carpets, clothes. Everything. 

Lapels, ties, and trousers became so wide, that in a brisk wind you could be blown away. 

Platform soles. Say no more. 

Want veg, fizzy drinks, fish & chips? You had to know which day the van came round. 

The three day week, strikes, and power cuts were a regular source of entertainment. It was better than the TV, which only had 3 channels and Bernard Manning was always on. 

Strangely, there were not many Brexit loving MPs willing to endorse the reclamation of the title “The sick man of Europe”. They were lining up to blame the EU, however. 

“We wouldn’t be in this mess if the EU had simply rolled over and given us what we wanted!” spluttered Brexity MP Stan Dalone. “But they insisted, undemocratically, to remain in the 21st century. Don’t they know that we are British, and the British know best?” 

Dalone spent a good minute huffing and grumbling under his breath, before continuing. 

“We didn’t have decent wine, mobile phones, or reliable cars back in the 70s, but we survived!” he blustered. “Made men of us. Brexit will put British lead back into your pencils, your pipes, your paint and your petrol!” 

And off he went in his Austin Allegro, with Slade blasting out of his 8 track, and smoking Capstan Full Strength. 

Five minutes later he was back. “Give us a push, mate, damn thing’s broken down again.” 

But remember, this is nothing to do with Brexit… 

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Famous CV-19 rule breakers to atone in public to encourage compliance

THE THREE AMOEBAS : Tangible benefits can be gained in public health crises by prominent individuals strictly adhering to the rules.

In Brexit Britain rules are for fools, which in part explains why the governing class are so terrible at following them. Rules have consequences. But consequences are only for the hoi polloi.

To make amends to what is now a mass deadly situation three of the most prominent CV-19 rule breakers are to atone for their sins in public.

Starting on Monday Dominic Cummings, Stanley Johnson and Cardinal Mogg will go on public display throughout England and apologise for the harm they’ve wrought on health messaging.

“Sometimes they will act as a trio and other times independently,” a member of the organising committee told LCD Views, “but at all times their message will be clear and concise.”

Cardinal Mogg is expected to kick off the campaign by dining on humble pie outside Traitor’s Gate at the Tower of London. The meal timed for low water so he doesn’t float away.

“Next up will be Stanley Johnson who will demonstrate how to wear a mask outside an underground station, much in the manner of an air stewardess before take off.”

When that is done he will go to the nearest supermarket and stand at the door to ensure customers entering are masked up, and not for a ball!

But the showstopper will be Dominic Cummings who will crawl from Islington to Barnard Castle in a hair shirt.

“He will ask the public to forgive him, even as the blood trails behind his shredded knees,” the organiser says, “and pull at his hair and rend his chest. It’s not possible to atone for the damage he did to public health messaging, ably assisted by the PM, but he wants to try.”

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Boris Johnson denies offering Donald Trump refuge at Barnard Castle

ROGUE’S RETREAT : FADING UK PRIME MINISTER, BORIS “PLAGUE” JOHNSON has been forced to divert his attention away from battling Covid today and address international issues.

This should cause no alarm, as many experts believe if Boris Johnson hadn’t been involved the UK would have already recovered.

And the reason for the wrenching away of Johnson’s famous laser like focus is the rumour circulating in the UK media that Mr Johnson has offered to assist Donald Trump, should the later need to leave the USA in a hurry.

Gossip amongst Westminster insiders say that Mr Johnson has phoned Mr Trump to ask if he would like a room prepared at Barnard Castle.

“Barnard Castle is where all the rogues run to,” our foreign affairs specialist comments, “it’s where Lord Lucan currently resides. Harold Holt, that missing Australian PM, he’s there. Oh, and Dominic Cummings is known to frequent it whenever his eyesight blurs. Donald Trump will feel right at home.”

But while the accommodation will certainly be acceptable to a Trump on the run, there are additional whispers that Mr Trump is showing a little lack of self awareness.

“He’s demanding Barnard Castle be renamed Trump Castle Barnard, which has taken the PM back a bit, as that’ll just confuse his mate Cummings when he enters the address into his SatNav. Never mind the additional demand that the ramparts are repainted gold, to give them some of that Trump class.”

But it must be noted that these rumours have been denied by 10 Downing Street who insist that Barnard Castle remains a Nightingale Optometrists focused on the eye tests which are required to recover from Covid.