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Gavin Williamson bans university students from singing “Hitler Has Only Got One Ball”

FREE SPEECH CHAMPIGNON : Britain knows what to censor and when to censor it and no one in Britain knows better than the Secretary of State for Education Gavin Williamson.

And as the UK moves into the future, post Brexit, it needs to ensure that people have not just the right words to speak, but the right thoughts too. Which is why Mr Williamson is getting tough with those hotbeds of wrong thought, the universities.

“We were able to deal with the issue of freedom of speech in primary schools easily enough,” an aide to the Education Supremo told LCD Views. “The only history you’re free to speak is history that makes the UK look good. This is what freedom to speak is about, it’s the freedom to speak what you’re allowed to. It’s like any other freedom, it has limits. Like a speed limit. Young children will talk properly when they grow up now because they only learn about WW1 and WW2 and they learn it relentlessly. But universities are a trickier customer. Happily Gavin is up to the task.”

And to prove where he is at with those that would undermine the glorious future of post Brexit UK Mr Williamson is getting those scruffy hippy students by the scruff.

“He’s starting off with banning songs that undermine the underlying political philosophy of Brexit. Brexit is inherently fascist. That means fascism is now good. Just look at our pandemic management if you doubt it? See those DNR orders go on all those files. And universities are the next battleground.”

There will be a list of songs that it is okay to sing, but there is one song that is definitely out.

“Hitler Has Only Got One Ball can no longer legally be sung. Because if we’re going to replay the 1930’s thanks to Brexit, as we are determined to, you’ve got to know which side we’re now on.”

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Wetherspoons closes after customers offered British shellfish instead of foreign cod

FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS:  Wetherspoons, the popular budget shithole for undiscerning Brexiters, has been forced to close. This is a result of people power. Democracy is alive and kicking.

Brexity ‘Spoons supremo Tim Martin has broken cover recently to complain about his profits. In an effort to back Brexit, he decided to serve Happy British Fish instead of that foreign muck in his pubs. This did not go down well.

“I don’t know much about food, but I know what I like!” bellowed former regular Carl Sberg. ”When I go to ‘Spoons, I want proper fish and chips, not something Frenchy with bleedin’ shells on! I ask you. This isn’t what we voted for!”

Unfortunately Carl, it’s exactly what you voted for.

This was the story up and down the land. Nobody could convince the hardcore ‘Spooners that mussels were, in fact, British, and cod was foreign.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. Martin immediately set out on a crusade, to reassure customers that all was well. Unfortunately for him, “More mussels than Brussels!” did not prove to be a winning slogan.

Desperater times call for desperater measures. Martin decided to go on TV and force feed live oysters to his daughter.

Unsurprisingly this didn’t work either, a mutiny by young Miss Martin being a decisive factor.

There was nothing left but to apportion blame. “We used to buy and sell loads of fish, so what has changed?” he bleated. “It’s the evil EU, treating us like the third country we insisted on becoming. Who won the war, that’s what I want to know. Don’t they realise that we are British?”

Nothing to do with the fact that British palates just aren’t, in the main, accustomed to langoustines and other weird seafood.

The only winners are the shellfish. With the fishing fleet entangled in red tape, our crabs and lobsters are grinning from ear to ear. Well they would be if they had ears. And if they could grin.

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Downing Street to present universities with a copy of British history carved in stone

LAND OF DOPE AND TORY : WE BRITS KNOW ARE HISTORY. WE KNOW WE INVENTED CIVILISATION AND DEMOCRACY. We don’t need some cloistered boffin to come along and upturn the BRITISH apple cart.

Downing Street is going to protect ARE history after fifth columnist, traitor subversives have been noted suggesting such scandalous things such as “maybe we shouldn’t celebrate slavers quite so much?”

“We’re not having that!” a 10 Downing Street insider told LCD Views. “If we allow that some very heavy hitting Tories may come under pressure to pay reparations from all the slaver’s wealth they inherited. We’re not having that either!”

It seems the best way to prevent that is to wage a culture war and if you’re having a war you need a “Free Speech Champion” to wage it.

Clearly then you need Gavin Williamson to draw up the legislation for it. You need a petty little bully if you’re going to have a petty, little war to distract from the very heavy issues inherited from our history.

“Gav will sort this right out. He’s having British history engraved on a block of stone. Several stones actually. A lot of stones. We like megaliths. We like them standing where everyone can see them. So it’s a natural move to engrave the only acceptable version of British history the law will soon allow onto stones. Then to force universities to display them prominately.”

But what will be engraved on the stones?

“Two world wars, one world cup and part of a vaccine! What else is acceptable or necessary in an understanding of British history?”

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Who is PM while Johnson is playing dress up? Study reveals no one in UK knows

THEY SEE HIM HERE THEY SEE HIM THERE : An in depth and broad ranging fabricated study on UK attitudes has revealed no one actually know who is the British Prime Minister.

While most erroneously believe Boris Johnson fulfils the role, the evidence is mounting that he does not. Not only because of the disastrous mismanagement of the Brexit process and the world beating pandemic death toll.

“Mr Johnson spends every day dressed up as a different fictional character,” the lead researcher told LCD Views, “butcher, baker, candlestick maker, he covers them all, but he’s never dressed as a prime minister. It’s clear he has no interest in that function, merely holds the title for someone else. And even when he appears in the uniform of a politician, it is evident from his hair that he has spent numerous hours in make-up beforehand. It’s just more role playing.”

The researchers did suggest though that it’s clear someone is directing operations, but it must be someone who is not exactly well disposed to the country.

“Rupert Murdoch is a likely candidate, he is unofficially the UK’s longest serving PM after all. Looking at the state of the country, perhaps Vladimir Putin?”

But when the public was asked most decided it was Dominic Cummings, still directing proceedings behind the scenes.

“We don’t believe that. We all know he is a genius and a superforecaster. For the country to be in such a rotten state and a genius behind it, directing events from the shadows while Johnson screws up a day’s work in a medical laboratory? It’s just too fanciful. There are currently too few three word slogans being produced daily, for a start.”

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Boris Johnson to overcome customs difficulties by installing a giant catapult at Dover

IT AIN’T WHAT YOU DO, IT’S THE WAY THAT YOU DO IT: The Channel blockade problem has been solved by a Boris Brainwave. Cut out the middleman and ping goods direct to Calais. 

The method is simple. Johnson will install a massive catapult. English goods will be placed into the contraption, which, when triggered, will project the happy produce to the continent, bypassing the need for all those pesky forms. 

It’s about time. Johnson is an expert on building bridges and tunnels. It was only a matter of time before he diversified into air transport. 

The catapult, it goes without saying, has already been described as being world beating. Construction has not yet started. There are several reasons for this. 

“To be honest, we are still waiting for a skip,” said project manager Manda Tory-Teabreak. “Also, we are having difficulty in sourcing a suitably powerful elastic band.” 

Nomenclature was also proving problematic. 

“We recommended a classic trebuchet design,” said Tory-Teabreak. “But that was rejected because the name was too French. We had to employ hundreds of consultants on over £2360 a day to negotiate a more suitable name. It was exactly the same when we installed that personal home guillotine for Priti Patel.” 

And that wasn’t all. 

“Where’s the labour coming from?” demanded Tory-Teabreak in an exasperated voice. “Normally we use Polish workers, or Albanians if we are desperate, but they have all been sent home. We can’t get the timber from the Baltic states any more. ‘Sorry luv, we don’t export to fucking Plague Island any more,’ that was what they told us.”

It’s a great opportunity for British workers and British timber. 

“You mean the feckless lazy Brits?” spluttered Tory-Teabreak. “No chance! And British wood is only fit to burn!” 

An anonymous government source claimed that a technological solution was in development. 

Many are hoping that Johnson will be the first to try out the catapult. 

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Dominic Raab says he expects his brain transplant to begin working in 10 years time

THE BRAIN OF BRITAIN : Some people choose greatness, some have greatness thrust upon them and some are Dominic Raab.

The Brain of Britain, the man who discovered the Dover-Calais land bridge is at it again. Not content to rest on his laurels he has now informed a grateful and worried nation exactly when the benefits of Brexit will reveal themselves.

“In 10 years time,” the actual foreign and commonwealth secretary informed the nation. “About the time I anticipate the benefits of my brain transplant to kick in. Although trade, unlike brain transplants, isn’t rocket surgery.”

The 10 year target will be welcome news for businesses up and down the land who are struggling to survive today.

“It’s great to have a road map. It’s the quality of the planning the architects of Brexit put into the project that is so impressive,” a bi-valve seafood wholesaler told LCD Views. “Now when I fire my staff I can reassure them in 10 years time I maybe able to rehire them. That’s if they haven’t retrained in cyber by then. Now if you’ll excuse me I’ve got to follow the advice of the government sponsored ad on a podcast and trade with China.”

But the setting of a ten year target is not without controversy, as fellow Tory Tory Tory Jacob Rees-mogg established expectations at 50 years.

“That’s because there’s a solar eclipse then,” Raab shrugged. “And he’s planning to set outside in the daytime. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to take my medication. Brain transplants don’t look after themselves you know. And if I don’t stay sharp the EU will nick more U.K. business.”

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Boris Johnson invites Donald Trump for another state visit to celebrate impeachment acquittal

LOOKING FOR TIPS : Leader of the free world Donald Trump is set to grace Buckingham Palace again this spring after accepting an invitation from Britain’s mini-Trump, Boris Johnson.

Rumours of the gold standard, world beating invitation to the former president began circulating on anti-social media over the weekend, but because Donald Trump asked Twitter to close his account he wasn’t there to confirm or deny it.

10 Downing Street wasn’t giving the game away either, playing a blinder with a dead cat about a submarine, tourist walkway over the WW2 munitions dump in the Irish Sea.

“It’s part of the owning the libs agenda,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Can you imagine the stink it is going to cause? And not just from Londoners storing up their wee in the hope of throwing bottles of gold at Trump. Universities are going to be forced at gunpoint to teach students about how Donald Trump and Boris Johnson together saved the Western hemisphere from democracy.”

The decision to invite the man who made America grate again to the UK is also seen as a key poke in the eye to the EU.

“They’ll have to settle with Biden. But we all know that just as soon as Donald Trump deals with the backlog of federal prosecutions coming his way, and settles the estimated $1.1bn he owes to his very understanding creditors, he’ll be running for president in 2024 because what could keep the ageing cardiac in waiting down? Other than the prosecutions, unpaid debt and obesity?”

It’s believed also that Mr Johnson and Mr Trump will have a lot to talk about, and not just infidelity. They also have histories of racist comments to bond over, dodgy foreign backers and hair, hair, hair.

“This will secure the USUKA trade deal. Liz Truss will be allowed to stand in the room hugging a Union Jack flag at one point, just for her social media accounts. But Boris and Donald will be talking turkey, because that’s the only kind of voter whoever votes for them.”

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Rishi Sunak launches campaign “Clap for Rishi” to recognise his extraordinary journey

FISHY DISHI : It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of more money. Happily for some they can marry a billionaire’s daughter and continue to have great expectations.

A prime example of the well tailored to riches struggle is the UK’s architect of the world beating Eat Out to Help Out scheme, thought to have really ramped up the pandemic last year. And just imagine? Doing that and suffering no consequences? And showing no visible remorse? This is leadership.

But ensuring success for viruses isn’t the only struggle our fearless, and well groomed Chancellor has had to overcome.

The promotion of brand Rishi speaks to a depth of character that comes from unique struggle.

“Imagine being born into good circumstances, going to the best schools and universities, entering the begging bowl universe of casino banking, marrying very well and then finding yourself completely gobsmacked to be in politics? Such a novel journey is rarely seen, except for people born into exactly those circumstances,” an unauthorised biographer of the Chancellor comments.

And Rishi Sunak wants you to feel the struggle. Wants you to know that merely by virtue of being able to style his hair, he’s the man to run the country, when the day dawns that Boris Johnson starts putting his fading barnet into a combover.

“To help everyone connect with his riches to riches journey he’s organising a clap. We’ve done nurses and emergency responders. Now we need to celebrate the sacrifices of the man who’s always had everything.”

The clap will be this coming Thursday at 8pm to start off, but once Sunak’s swimsuit calendar hits your doorstep you’ll be able to hang him by the fridge and applaud his particular load of bollocks daily.

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Boris Johnson’s Garden Bridge to be built on Irish Sea floor

THEY SAID IT COULDN’T BE DONE : Every time the great visionary Boris Johnson suggests a monumental building project of daft implausibility the blind, the meek, the lazy say it can’t be done. But that doesn’t stop him suggesting it again a few months later.

We want to know why? So we asked a specialist.

“It’s because he’s a fucking idiot and a show off with an emotional age of five,” our in house psychologist suggested. “I maybe invented but I can see clearly what the problem is, without the need for obscure language.”

And it seems there is no need to dress up Mr Johnson’s now routine, and cyclical, suggestion of a grand building project.

“He does this because he can’t think of anything realistic to do to improve people’s lives and he’s an egomaniac. He wants to think there will be an impressive project lasting through time, after he’s finished taking care of the social care problem via the pandemic.”

But just because Boris Johnson says it can be done doesn’t mean it can’t.

“It does. The entire premise is bogus. Apparently the tunnel to Ireland will take care of the trade issues for the North? How? Driving under the sea eliminates customs in a way sailing over doesn’t? It makes no sense.”

But what it does at least make is vegetables. As reports of the tunnel do not mention the key facet that it is to be a garden bridge tunnel and produce fresh fruit and vegetables.

“Now you’re just being silly. What’s wrong with focusing on just growing mushrooms? Which is fair enough, given the entire method of Boris Johnson’s government is to keep us in the dark and feed us shit.”

Look forward to the bridge idea being recycled again in a few months time when Mr Johnson needs it to distract us, again, in a few months time.

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Boris Johnson orders work to begin on his mausoleum

THE MUMMY : Boris Johnson, the first of his name, has ordered work to begin on his final resting place, decades in advance of when he expects to need it.

The design is said to call on the architectural styles of ancient Egypt and will be built entirely of imported sandstones and marbles at an estimated cost of £350m per week for decades.

”He conceived of the design whilst completely hammered Friday night.” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Apparently he believes his new nickname in Downing Street is ‘Pharaoh’ and that triggered his imagination, and thoughts of his legacy. Although those present at the time say he misheard someone saying fuck you.”

A massive workforce is expected to be needed to build the pyramid shaped tomb which will be aligned not with the stars, but with Pharaoh Johnson’s barge arse. Unemployed fishermen and ballerinas are said to be looking forward to retraining to work on the project.

But critics have pointed out that such an egregious expense will bleed the public coffers dry for decades, leaving little left for the levelling up agenda Johnson is so proud of. Downing Street have responded to those concerns with a shrug and a handing out of uncontested tenders.

And it is clear what a boon for London the monumental work will be, at a time when the city is suffering the completely unavoidable consequences of Brexit, which no one warned about, and a lethally mismanaged, shitshow approach to the pandemic.

“There’s always naysayers and moaners,” the source shrugs. “But Johnson is not insisting his harem joins in his final resting place. So it’s hard to see what the problem is? This is because he wants to be free to screw whoever he likes in the afterlife. After he’s finished shafting the entire U.K. senseless.”