LCD Views

FISHING FOR COMPLIMENTS: British fishing has all but ceased after the Brexit debacle. Small wonder that the fish are so happy. In return, the fish have collectively decided to rescue Brexit by offering themselves as a sacrifice. 

Unconfirmed reports claim that British Fish have been leaping out of the water into fishing nets. Many fishermen on the North European coast are telling tales about this strange new behaviour. 

“I was most alarmed at first,” said German fisherman Rudi Wakening. “Hundreds of mackerel, each wearing a top hat and waving a Union Jack, jumped straight into the fish store on my boat. Several of them said, ‘Chin chin, old bean!’ and gave me a cheeky wink!” 

It was the same on the French coast. 

“I couldn’t believe my eyes,” said an unbelieving Didi Tappen. “Pipe smoking pin striped langoustines simply threw themselves at me, shouting ‘What ho, isn’t this a jolly lark!’ I started to wonder if I wasn’t smoking something dodgy too!” 

This story was so intriguing, that LCD Views sought out a fish whisperer to interview one of the piscine patriots. 

“We decided it was time to act, old boy,” said a very British herring, who gave his name simply as Nemo. “One cannot stand by, well, float by, and allow one’s government to get in the way of our patriotic duty to feed dastardly Europeans, what?” 

You can’t argue with that. 

“There’s absolutely no point swimming to a British port, I say,” continued Nemo. “Hardly any British people like us any more. Once, they caught us, smoked us, and called us kippers, old thing. Now the only kippers are the loony nationalists who caused all this fuss. Gave us a bad name, old chap. So I’m off to Denmark with my blue passport instead. Toodle pip, old boy!”

One thing is certain. The whole affair is distinctly fishy. 

POWER NAP ACHIEVEMENT AWARD : Downing Street is under pressure today to reassure Global Britons that their PM is not asleep on the job.

“Although some have suggested it may be better for all concerned if Mr Johnson just slept until the next election, I can confirm that he will not be getting a wink. Unless he’s undertaking scheduled napping,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views. “Those cosplay outfits don’t choose themselves you know.”

The confirmation that Mr Johnson is not sleeping will bring relief to some, who wonder how he gets any sleep at all, in consideration of what he’s responsible for.

And there is both further clarity and understanding in the statements. Especially regarding the immediate collapse of the fishing industry the instant Brexit happened to move from the realms of fantasy and into reality.

“That can be explained by the contents and bold print detail of the Brexit deal Mr Johnson agreed with the EU. Good thing he has sovereign power over trade! Imagine how much pork he will sell to China? How much cheese to Japan? And all without any knowledge of detail. That’s a very stable genius.”

But as a final point of joy for anyone concerned about snags in the new IT systems Britons, and those wishing to trade with them are having to use, the spokesman said the following,

“Mr Johnson wants me to ensure you realise that he didn’t sleep a wink during his famous technology lessons. But he had a bloody good kip right after the climax of the lesson each time.”

PRAWNS IN A BIGGER GAME: Brexit bollocksed fisherman have driven to London in protest. Trade is floundering as their catches are caught up in a net of red tape. 

Many are claiming that they are only flexing their mussels. New export rules brought in at the last minute have not been whelk-omed. They make it almost impossible to sell mussels to Brussels. 

“We have been given the fish finger by the government,” said fisherman Rod Andline, crabbily. “Our catches have a short shelf life. If we can’t get it to market within a day, it’s worthless. Now it’s all tied up in loads of complicated paperwork. Nobody warned us about this! I don’t think the Brexiters who used us as a totem would recognise a fish if John Cleese slapped them into Teddington Lock with one.”

There is weeping and whaling beneath the anger. 

“I’ve spent all my life at sea,” said Andline. “Now it looks like my business will be swimming with the fishes. I’m completely battered by the stupidity of the situation. I’ve had my chips. It’s a wrap, with salt, vinegar, and mushy peas.”

The porpoise of the Rules of Origin is to determine whether you are catching happy British Fish, or miserable foreign ones. 

“If only they came out of the water grinning and waving a Union Jack,” observed Andline. “Now that would warm the cockles. Ever asked a lobster where it was born? There’s always a get-out claws. Every catch is now a catch-22.”

What’s your plan now? 

“I’m going to drop off a large load of nice fresh langoustines at Number Ten for Boris Johnson,” replied Andline. “At least, they were fresh when I caught them last week. Then I’m going to set up a shell company and make a net profit.” 

Fishing for compliments? 

“No, administration,” admitted Andline. “There’s money in them there customs clearance forms!” 

And a final message for Johnson and his team? 

“So long, and thanks for all the fish.” 

PROFITS OF DOOM: Former UKIP and Brexit party stalwart Nigel Farage is just the latest Brexit pusher to attempt to rewrite history. Farage is now trying to claim that the whole thing was a bad idea, and nothing to do with him, honest, guv.

It is remarkable that, only a fortnight into Brexit proper, that Brexiters are falling over themselves to disassociate themselves from Brexit. You would have thought that they knew exactly what they were voting for.

But the outstanding figure is Farage. Many rank-and-file Tories will use the “I was only following orders” defence. Farage has no such luxury. He has forged an entire career out of Brexit, and is now effectively cancelling himself.

“This is a betrayal of Brexit, The British People, well 17.4m of them anyway, The Queen, and the Great British Fish!” said the man himself from his flag-festooned man cave. “I told you so, many times, that this wasn’t Brexit, and that any Brexit was an idiotic notion. But nobody listened. The media didn’t give me the time to argue my case!”

So endless newspaper columns, his own radio show, and a permanent seat on the panel of the long-running weekly BBC flagship satirical show, Question Time, wasn’t enough?

“Nobody realised that I was actually campaigning for closer ties to the EU!” moaned Farage. “Why do you think I became an MEP? The Brexit thing was all a joke, all those pathetic stunts with fish, the rallies and abortive marches which only attracted a handful of idiots? Wasn’t it obvious?”

Yet you formed the Brexit Party to push Brexit.

“And how many seats did we win? None. As usual. I’ve never won,” he said, although whether boasting or complaining wasn’t apparent. “It was obvious Brexit was a non-starter from the start, I made my point, but nobody realised I was only joking!”

And on that note, he mounted his unicorn and galloped back to the sunlit uplands.