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Hedgehogs launch petition demanding Chris Grayling is kept “as far as f*ck away from efforts to save them”

DUCK AND COVER : HEDGEHOGS IN THE UK ARE NOW OFFICIALLY AT RISK OF EXTINCTION. DOWNING STREET IS NOT HAVING THAT, WHICH IS WHY THEY ARE RE-INTRODUCING NEONICOTINOIDS FOR ONE, TO REDUCE THE INSECT POPULATION.

But they’re not stopping there, they’re going one better and appointing a hedgehog Tsar to save them.

“Chris Grayling has the job,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “with his flair for shifting public money to private pockets, regardless of public outcomes, we should see all one million remaining hedgehogs in the UK safely in the custody of Serco by the weekend.”

And Grayling is believed to have many other ideas for how to save our spiky little friends.

“He’s going to individually shave them, to make them more approachable. And he’ll be feeding them. Pizza mostly, as he still has a hotline to a Pizza Ferry Delivery Service and can get them all a great deal. They won’t starve this winter with a large ham and pineapple pizza delivered to their little doors.”

But critics have suggested that the move is just a publicity stunt as Downing Street scratches about in the dark for a good news story.

“That’s nonsense. We’ve already carparked half the countryside of England for lorry holding zones. The hedgehogs are finding moving about much easier now. And when the post Brexit riots start the hedgehogs will benefit from burnt suburban fencing.”

Of course, as it’s Johnson’s government, the initiative wouldn’t be complete without a slogan.

“Get Hedgehogs Done!”

“It’s catchy! And in Grayling we’ve picked just the man to see hedgehogs through to completion.”

But the hedgehogs don’t seem to thrilled with the drive to save them.

“We’ve started a petition,” a representative of the hedgehog sector told LCD Views, “most of us have signed it already. You lot have done enough already. We demand you keep Chris Grayling as far as f*ck away from us as possible.”

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Boris Johnson launches Scottish “charm offensive” at Culloden

BONNIE PRINCE BORIS : THE LAST PRIME MINISTER OF THE UNITED KINGDOM, BORIS JOHNSON, IS HEADING TO SCOTLAND TO ASSIST NICOLA STURGEON IN HER QUEST FOR SCOTTISH INDEPENDENCE.

Even before the deep thinking membership of the Conservative and Unionist Party elected Mr Johnson as the UK’s unelected, unaccountable, incredibly thoughtful divine ruler, Mr Johnson had put in strides to create a customs border between England and Scotland.

“He’s going to launch his bid to push Scotland out of the Union at Culloden. He understands his history. He wants the correct backdrop when he begins to do his idea of speak,” a 10 Downing Street aid told LCD Views. “He’ll be garbling some Burns and will probably recite some poetry he’s written himself describing the Scottish as a verminous race. He’s hoping no one will realise he’s just recycling some of his old columns.”

The trip north is well timed too, as the government is currently pumping out “Stay At Home” messages by the truckload, seeing as all the trucks in the UK are empty of other freight. Thanks to Brexit. With any luck some of his entourage will test positive for Covid while on tour and they’ll all have to stay in Scotland for weeks. This will give them the time to bring English nationalism to the Scots in all its outward looking acceptance of difference.”

And he will be making quite the spectacle of himself.

“He’s having a special outfit tailor made for the Scottish fling. A high visibility kilt, but with Edward 1st’s heraldry instead of tartan. That will make quite the impression.”

It’s understood the Prime Minister will also toss a caber while he’s north of the border. But only if they can get a small child to stand still long enough for it to land on his head.

The tour has been codenamed “Oven Ready Haggis” and is certainly to give the SNP a boost.

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Downing Street advises Scottish fishermen to retrain as winemakers as EU wine now too expensive

THE CALEDONIAN MERLOT : DOWNING STREET HAVE FINALLY responded to the increasingly desperate cries of Scottish fishermen with some sound and pragmatic advice.

Speaking at a meet and greet with industry representatives, fisherman’s friend and Environmental Secretary George Useless, was ready for whatever they threw at him, be it a dead langoustine or a rotting halibut.

“There’s an emerging market in the United Kingdom for affordable wine,” he told the bearded men, “Brexit looks set to price the French out of our domestic market, except for high net worth individuals like myself and Stanley Johnson. Back to the future you could say, as with all things Brexit!”

When asked what he was talking about specifically Mr Useless said, “Why, wine of course! You can retrain as vintners. Much less risk than sailing the high seas in all weathers. Take a leaf out of the book of ballerinas. They’re retraining in cyber and will all be coders by the weekend. You can do the same, only with vines.”

In order to give the fishermen a leg up it is said the government is providing a support package of £5.99 per fishermen who turns his hand to wine.

“As visionary statesman John Redwood says, there’s a demand that we grow our own and our prevailing climate be damned! Believe in Britain!”

It’s unclear how many fishermen will take up the call, but it’s clear the opportunity is there, with as much as £1.50 expected to go onto a bottle of French plonk now Brexit is done.

“We’ll even provide geographical status for the industry. English sparkling for Kent and full bottled Scottish Cabernet Sauvignon across the entirety of the Highlands.”

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BREAKING : Snow falls fail to grind U.K. to halt first time ever as Brexit and CV-19 got in first

RUN RUN THE SKY IS FALLING IN : Julius Caesar famously chose the winter of 55 BC to invade ancient Britain after consulting an oracle who said, chicken guts at her feet, “when the sky white is the people painted know no delight in transportation or flight”.

We know what happened after that, as Caesar recorded his exploits on an ancient Etch A Sketch that he carried everywhere.

It has been easy for historians to decipher the pictograms of ancient Britons baffled to immobility by snow, their chariots piled together, their swords stuck in their sheaths, the druids scratching their heads and tasting snowflakes. While unnoticed Caesar’s legions surrounded the haplessly snowed in Celts.

And so it has been for the past two millennia.

The Angles, Jutes, Saxons and Vikings arrived in successive waves like blizzards, but only when the people of Great Britannia were immobilised by a dusting of powder.

1066 may have had a different result if it had not been snowing heavily on the paths and rough roads Harold One Eye had needed to traverse to face the Norman army of Norman Williamson.

So too the 19th century invasion of the Sax-Coburg empire who seized the thrones of England, Scotland and Wales, never to let go.

Even today their descendants like no better sport than waiting for it to snow before rushing out into the inevitable gridlocks so they can taunt stuck lorry drivers and small traders by asking “And what do you do?”

With all this being true no one expected today. The snow. And the aftermath. Because nothing is the aftermath. The snow falls but all that is happening is people breaking out forgotten sleds and children pelting one another with snowballs.

Neighbours emerging to stand socially distanced on the white pavements of the United Kingdom, blink at each other and enquire “And who are you again?”

And the traffic hasn’t halted in frustrated and vulnerable masses of metal doom, because the trade has already ceased.

And what power could it be that has rendered the snow god obsolete?

Why Brexit of course, and Covid-19 under the management of Boris Johnson and his cabinet of loyal halfwits.

The snow will have to try a little harder from now on to disrupt and cause to cease the life and commerce of old Britannia, because Boris Johnson is way, way ahead of it.

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Downing Street investigating why laptops given to schools have “Putin riding a horse” as screensavers

HE WHO PAYS THE PIPER CALLS THE SCREENSAVER : DOWNING STREET HAVE PLEDGED TO LEAVE NO SPACE BAR UNPRESSED as a new mystery contorts the country.

“It’s a welcome distraction to be honest,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “As long as people are talking about the laptops being handed out by Tory donors to poor kids, no one is talking about the frankly horrifying death toll from mismanaging the pandemic.”

And talking about the laptops people are. Especially educators.

“It was a nice initial effort to have many of the laptops being given to our country’s future chimney sweeps to be missing sound cards,” the source grinned. “But the screensavers of a shirtless Putin on a horse? OMG. Jackpot. I personally would have gone for him fishing shirtless, but that’s just because I can’t wait to get out of lockdown and go fishing shirtless.”

While some are suggesting that the screensavers are a result of the laptops being riddled with Russian developed computer viruses, our source has a more down to earth explanation.

“It’s intentional. A living and breathing dead cat. We employed dozens of SPADS over last weekend to take this idea from just a scribble on a chalkboard to a proper scandal. I think it was actually an idea leftover from Dom’s time at Downing Street. The idea blackboard doesn’t get used much anymore.”

The SPADS concerned are thought to have photocopied thousands of images of the Russian leader and blu-tac’d them to the laptops screens. Then the laptops were delivered to schools.

“The pictures had to be stuck to the screens, because the supplier pulled all the laptops out of a skip behind a medical waste facility. Really lucky find. Increased the profit margin considerably.”

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Boris Johnson to put a bust of George Washington in 10 Downing Street just to take it out again

TAKE THAT BIDEN : UNITED KINGDOM PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON has played it cool this week as the international incident regarding the bust of Winston Churchill has raged back and forth across The Atlantic.

What happens to the bust of the famous British prime minister is widely viewed around the world as a key indicator to the strength of the special relationship. And this week it has gone missing from the Oval Office.

While it’s likely that the bust has merely been removed to have it melted down and recast, the only way to ensure Trump’s grubby little, viral loaded fingerprints are cleaned off it, some suspect a more devious motive.

“They want to use the location of the bust as leverage in the US-UK trade talks,” a 10 Downing Street genius told LCD Views. “But we will not buckle. We’re working up a plan to hit back.”

And hit back Downing Street will, with both hands.

“Boris Johnson is said to be in favour of placing a bust of George Washington in 10 Downing Street. It’s taken some time to convince him. He misheard George as Georgina initially, and couldn’t stop giggling. But he’s on top of the detail now.”

Once the bust has been installed and widely photographed it will mysteriously vanish.

“Once the bust is gone we’ll be asking top US reporters to the Downing Street press briefings and just wait for them to ask about it. And not our world beating pandemic death rate. We’re focused on what’s important.”

That’s because we’re Global Britain and everyone needs to notice.

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Festival of Brexit organisers to ask for a transition period

BREXIT FESTIVAL IN NAME ONLY: The organisers of the much-unheralded Festival of Brexit have pleaded for more time to prepare.

This ‘transition period’ will be used to ensure expectations have been suitably adjusted. But there may be another reason, according to Festival organiser Ant E. Clymacks.

“Remember the Great Exhibition of 1851?” asked Clymacks. “Well no, obviously you don’t, unless you are undead like Jacob Rees-Mogg. But the Festival of Britain was only in 1951, and people remember that!”

That may be true, but Clymacks soon came to the point.

“1851, 1951, see?” he said. “The next big festival isn’t due until 2051.”

Speaking of Jacob Rees-Mogg, he is famously on record for claiming that we wouldn’t know the  ‘full economic consequences for a very long time’ and that ‘the overwhelming opportunity for Brexit is over the next 50 years’.

“Yes, that’s another reason of course,” gushed Clymacks. “By 2051 we will be reaping the kind of rewards that Mr Rees-Mogg was so shy about defining.”

How are preparations going?

“It’s a slow process,” admitted Clymacks. “Roger Daltrey has refused to guarantee that he will still be alive enough to open proceedings. We have managed to secure a display of Happy British Fish, but unfortunately they are tied up in red tape somewhere on the motorway network, and won’t arrive until late next year.”

Have you decided on a venue yet?

“The Millennium Dome is the obvious choice,” said Clymacks. “We managed to hire it, for as long as we like, whenever we like, for £50 a week. Boris Johnson has personally guaranteed the price and availability, so we are currently looking at other options.”

It’s clear that there will be a lot to organise. Food, displays, toilets, transport, social distancing measures…

“And we have the money,” said Clymacks. “Except… well, we don’t. It was paid out promptly to the patron of the Festival, but he has since been unavailable. Still, we found a rare Brexit 50p coin the other day, so it’s not all doom and gloom!”

And hiring all the necessary equipment from the EU takes a very long time now.

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Downing Street sends bust of Boris Johnson to White House as inauguration gift for Joe Biden

BUST OF BRITAIN : World famous diplomat, and part-time British Prime Minister, Boris Johnson has lobbed a sweetener across the pond to new US President Joe Biden.

It’s tradition for heads of state to send gifts to their contemporaries when new hands grip the tiller, and Global Britain is no laggard in this area.

“We were considering sending a representative of the royal family over, as a kind of prisoner. But Prince Andrew was the only one with time in his diary and he is curiously adverse to international travel. So we decided on something in brass.”

The something is a bust of the current British Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

“Of course it should have been Rupert Murdoch, for accuracy, but he wouldn’t allow it.”

And while the bronze has been cast in record time, it’s understood there were some heated debates over the design.

“In the end they settled on the standard bust, as popularised by bra-less Roman leaders in the distant past. But that is said to have caused quite the stink indoors, as Carrie Symonds is rumoured to be livid it wasn’t a double of her and Johnson.”

It’s also believed Dominic Cummings wanted the bust to be a triplicate design, with himself also featured. He apparently has a warehouse full of them at the ready.

“As the Biden administration is new and doesn’t have the depth of experience present in Downing Street, we thought it best not to confuse matters.”

And there’s a lot of brass involved too.

“The majority of the bust is comprised of butter and would ideally be refrigerated. Except for the neck. No messing with the alloy there. Boris Johnson’s brass neck is rendered faithfully. And if you look closely you can all the funny things he’s said about ethnic minorities etched in. A charming little extra.”

The bust of Boris is expected to be in the Oval Office before the close of business today, with a note instructing the new tenant on Pennsylvania Avenue to sit it right next to Winston Churchill.

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Boris Johnson to seek treatment at The Priory for addiction to Union Jack flags

AT FIRST IT WAS JUST BUNTING : TEMPORARY UK PRIME MINISTER BORIS JOHNSON will be MIA for a week after unconfirmed and fabricated rumours say he has booked himself into The Priory.

The Priory is a famous addiction treatment centre and is not unaccustomed to patronage from the high and mighty.

“Mr Johnson will be undergoing treatment for a spiralling addiction to national symbols,” someone claiming to work at the centre told LCD Views, “the compulsive use of the Union Jack is believed to be of particular concern. He is essentially unable to function now without a giant hit.”

It’s understood Mr Johnson has a long history of misuse of the Union Jack, but initially it was just bunting and small hand held flags. But now the use is habitual and he would be called colloquially a “junky”.

What form the treatment will take isn’t clear, but rather shrouded in secrecy.

Some suggest he will be locked into a small room on one of the upper floors with just a bucket for waste and a selection of tinned foods. The door being nailed shut from the outside.

“We expect Mr Johnson will make a full recovery, but there are no guarantees. An addiction as deep as his, while initially a cry for help, has moved now to a pathological deepness that would likely require a full frontal lobotomy to cure. And that has already been attempted.”

The team at LCD Views wish Mr Johnson a speedy recovery, as it’s hard to conceive of the UK’s current trajectory continuing without him. Additionally, it is obvious his poor example is now influencing the other children in his cabinet into compulsive use of Union Jacks, and that’s not good for anybody.

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“How the f*ck does Priti Patel still have a job?” now most Googled search in U.K.

THERE HAVE BEEN 300,034 974,000 TESTS : There’s a new top search in the United Kingdom this weekend, bumping “How the f*ck does Boris Johnson still have a job?” off the number one slot.

The new number one is “How the f*ck does Priti Patel still have a job?”, which by pushing Johnson into second place has pushed “How the f*ck does Gavin Williamson still have a job?” into third.

“How the f*ck does Robert Jenrick still have a job? is now number four as a result,” our search engine analyst reports, “with ‘What does Liz Truss even do all day?’ stable at five.”

The change in the rankings appears to be a result of all the exposure Ms Patel has received this week, as she took on the media and continued her war against the better angels of our nature.

“You would have thought she would have been driven out of the Conservative Party back when Theresa May fired her for running her own foreign policy agenda, but not so.”

How long Ms Patel will hold onto the Number One is not certain, as Matt Hancock and Nadhim Zahawi are thought to be running on a joint ticket, aimed at moving fast up the league table.

“If Matt and Nadhim can continue to dissemble and confuse the nation with the vaccine roll out they may well share the crown together soon.”

Ms Patel won’t let go of Number One easily though, she’s got refugees to house in damp camps by the sea and a flair for words, and numbers, that will see people scratching their heads as long as she remains in post.

We did ask Ms Patel for comment on her achievement but all she said was “Exterminate. Exterminate.”