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“Boris Johnson stole my toupee” – claims golden retriever called Trevor

GET OFF THE SOFA TREVOR : The over excited cocker spaniel of European politics, English Prime Minister Boris Johnson, is facing yet another rolled up newspaper this morning after a disturbing accusation last night that he’s a very bad boy indeed.

The accusation centres on the location of a missing hairpiece belonging to a golden retriever called Trevor. We spoke to Trevor to test the validity of his claims, meeting with him this morning at his 1930’s semi-detached family home in a suburb he preferred was not named.

“I admit I shouldn’t have been where I was at the time,” Trevor began. “I was just over seven miles from home. But I was only out for my exercise, as is allowed under the current restrictions? I mean, I just did what any father would do?”

And it’s at that point we noticed the forlorn collection of puppies by the fireplace in Trevor’s living room. Huddled together for warmth and seemingly happy.

“They spend far too much time these days online playing Bollox, or whatever it is the pups are into now. But I don’t have the heart to limit their screen time in this tantric pandemic. Just so long as they’ve practiced going to the toilet on some newspaper first, and fetched at least one ball, a stick and my slippers. It’s not a free for all.”

But it seems for someone it is a free for all…

“I was at a park I would rather not name when he approached me. Shambling wreck of a man who was running or drunk. It was hard to tell. Or he may have been both, judging by his smell.”

But what makes Trevor certain it was the prime minister?

“He spoke to me in 80’s environmental cliches, something about treehuggers, and Ancient Greek. There’s only one person who thinks that is appropriate. I think I was supposed to be disarmed. He said he just wanted to pat my head. But as he lent down to do it the wind caught his hair and pulled it in all directions. It was obvious then that he was growing it long to cover over a spreading bald patch. It’s why he stole my toupee. His motivation being his mounting insecurity over his own virility.”

Downing Street has not responded to questions over the incident, either to deny or confirm.

“They’ll probably say he was miles away pretending to be a scientist or a doctor? Doing his usual thing of interrupting the work of vital public services instead of his actual job of running the country. But I know it was him. I think he needs to be stopped now before he strikes again. If it were down to me he’d already be listed under the dangerous dogs act.”

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U.K. Gov threatens to halt MAGA hat imports from US after U.K. snubbed at US-EU talks

THERE’S SOMETHING IN THE WATER : The U.K. government is adopting a tough stance against the fledgling US administration of Biden and Harris today after a world beating diplomatic snub.

A cross party foreign affairs committee has been tasked by 10 Downing Street with coming up with a suitable response after the U.K. was not allowed in to the bilateral US and EU talks conducted today.

“Dominic Raab was kept waiting on the Zoom link for hours. He even postponed his mid-morning mindfulness session for it. But he was never admitted. There’s a whiff of a set up about it all. That he was sent the link for just that purpose,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “He’s fuming. He had to have his personal physician tap some pressure out of his pulsating temple vein. There was serious risk of brain damage. And he’s suffering from more than enough of that as it is, just by virtue of being who he is.”

And while the EU maybe easy enough for Downing Street to punish, by way of the threat of a ban on mineral water, the US is a little harder to tackle.

“The cross party committee, or Atlantic Bridge as they’re known, are going to come up with several suggestions. But top of the list is a ban on MAGA hats from the US.”

Critics have been quick to point out that such a ban could quickly backfire, as the hats are only popular in the U.K. with fans of Prime Minister Boris Johnson.

“That’s a risk we are prepared to accept. I’m sure once the PM explains his thinking to them in 80’s environmental cliches and pigeon Ancient Greek they’ll get behind him,” the source was confident. “After all, people in America can’t get rid of the hats fast enough now. This will really hurt Biden.”

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Monument to Matt Hancock’s achievements during pandemic placed on College Green

MATT THE APP : GREEN SHOOTS OF RECOVERY ARE ABUNDANT ACROSS ENGLAND’S PLAGUE RAVISHED LANDS TODAY WITH PLANS TO CELEBRATE THE ACHIEVEMENTS OF THE SECRETARY OF STATE FOR HEALTH MATT HANCOCK.

A monument to his achievements during the pandemic is to be installed on College Green so that future generations will know the titanic struggle undertaken by Britain’s greatest ever Health Secretary.

The taxpayer can rest easy too, as the brass statue is being paid for by subscriptions from friends and acquaintances of Mr Hancock who have received PPE contracts.

“The design of the monument is causing quite a stir,” Mr Cashfunnel, head of the committee responsible for the design, told LCD Views. “It is being made entirely of brass, as is traditional for monuments to great men, but it is rather modernist in design. Maybe even post-modernist. But I’ll leave it to the art critics to decide that. My speciality is limited to taking a paper cup factory out of administration and into the production of unusable medical tests. Oh and purchasing luxury houses.”

LCD Views have seen a sneak preview of the monument and we are going to break cover and reveal it is just a very big brass neck with a pair of rubber gloves for a head.

“We will be having the unveiling ceremony during the summer, before the next lockdown,” Mr Cashfunnel advises. “A spitfire fly past will be timed to be overhead just as the apron made out of a bin bag is drawn dramatically off the statue to reveal Matt’s innermost personality.”

But unusually for a bust there will be no eyes.

“That’s because they’re the windows to the soul, and ever since Mr Hancock invoked the war dead in his quest to become Tory leader, and then threw them under the bus to be Health Secretary, it’s clear the windows gaze into an abyss.”

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Liz Truss formally invites all Commonwealth countries to rejoin the British Empire

FORM AN ORDERLY QUEUE : The current British government is notoriously interested in the welfare of lesser nations, so known for it there are occasional murmurs of dissent from the backbenchers.

“Boris Johnson pays them no need. He was born to be world king. A benevolent autocratic ruling over a far flung and peaceful empire. And he will fulfil his destiny.”

And he has help. No less a brain of Great Britain than Liz Truss is by his side, and she is moving forward with the fulfilment of the promise of Brexit.

“Tomorrow morning Liz Truss will formally invite all Commonwealth countries to rejoin the British Empire. India is expected to be first in line with Canada and Australia jostling for second spot. All the other places no one can ever name will be in a wild scrum behind them.”

The plan to reform the Empire, based on the lines drawn on maps in the earlier part of the 20th century, is certain to be a boon for British industry.

“For far too long our colonial subjects have been denied British pork products and British cheese,” Ms Truss will say in an upbeat, but serious tone. “This is wrong. This injustice will end.”

In return for demanding our superior produce the colonies will once again be at liberty to do what they do best.

“They still offer up their sons for our imperial conflicts and give us all the minerals they possess. In return they will become civilised again. It is symbiotic in nature.”

The High Priests of Brexit will of course all be ready to help the countries come home from the wilderness.

“Hannan will be on hand to direct the children of empire where they stand in the colonial structure. Rees-mogg will supply missionaries just in case any have forgotten the wonders of transmutation and servitude to a higher tax avoidance structure. It will all be glorious.”

A spitfire fly passed is planned for midday tomorrow and a mass zoom sing-a-long of God Save the Queen at midday, which will be led by Dylin the prop dog. Get your bunting out and be ready to raise a mug of English tea.

And if you are from a distant land, just know that soon the redcoats will once again be in your towns and streets to offer you a reassuring sight of order, and the correct way to address your superiors.

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10 Downing Street insist photo of Johnson holding Biden’s hand has not been photoshopped

THE SPECIAL RELATIONSHIP : 10 Downing Street is the epicentre of global statecraft, this much is not a revelation, and neither is it surprising to hear the lengths the new US administration is going to go to to woo Boris Johnson.

“They’ll be stuffed without us. How will they deal with Brussels without the London link?” a 10 Downing Street source said to LCD Views this morning, in an exclusive that left Kuenssberg and Peston floundering.

And to help support the newborn government of Biden and Harris 10 Downing Street has released a photograph.

“This definitely Boris Johnson holding Joe Biden’s hand to help guide him through international statecraft. He’s new to his position. He needs a more experienced hand as he navigates a world of woke anti-intellectualism that threatens just more than statues. Although to be fair, just threatening statues is clearly enough.”

The White House itself is yet to comment on the photograph.

“They’re trying to work out how to praise the image without appearing overly subservient. They do have domestic politics to consider. We understand that.”

But sharp eyed critics on social media have suggested that the photograph looks doctored. A complaint that has been heard before regarding the work of the three taxpayer funded professional photographers employed by Boris Johnson.

“This is par for course. It’s just envy. If you check the timelines of the whiners you’ll see they claim the Moon Landings happened, the Earth is basically a ball, 9/11 wasn’t an inside job and Brexit is a disastrous foreign policy objective. I’d ignore them and the reality they claim to represent.”

The photo will be available to purchase shortly from the 10 Downing Street gift shop on t-shirts, plates, mugs and serviettes.

“This is a piece of history. British Prime Ministers have traditionally put the seal of approval onto new US presidents. There’s no reason for Johnson not to bestow the same validation on Biden. It’s not like it’s well known that he has only disdain for the current occupants of 10 Downing Street.”

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UK schools to close on March 9

HEALTH AND SAFETY GONE MAD: Schools are perfectly safe, claims the man who opened them just to close them all one day later. So the news that schools must reopen on 8 March inevitably means a shutdown on March 9.

“We are Following The Science on this matter,” claimed the ubiquitous unnamed Westminster source. Trouble is, that’s a lie, and The Science has taken to giving the government a good slap as punishment.

Risk assessments have been prepared diligently. Some run to fewer pages than the average customs declaration for a consignment of fresh seafood. But they all say that a school full of children is one of the most effective ways to spread a virus.

This fact is totally off-message, and therefore may be ignored.

“I prefer to look at it this way,” said Vaccines Minister Nadhim Zahawi, struggling with his word salad. “I have been entirely clear about this. Errm… errrrmm… yes, over 50s will have been mostly partly vaccinated some time in April, possibly, which means schools are safe in March, it’s well known that March 8 is the safest day of the year, science must be made to follow policy, I fancy some toast, where’s my flag gone, erm… oh, look, a squirrel…”

Totally reassuring.

“If you want more information, ask the Education Secretary!” he said in a sudden burst of deflection. “He’s got a whip and a spider, he will put you in your place!”

The minister tried to cut the call, but merely succeeded in turning himself into a cat. The cat was later seen chasing a squirrel around the neighbourhood.

Once again, children and teachers will be the guinea pigs in a herd immunity experiment. It didn’t go well last time, so the same experiment is being conducted again but with different success criteria.

If anyone finds a neutered male cat, with a fondness for computers and flags and answering to the name of Nadhim, wandering in the vicinity, please return him to Mrs Zahawi at number 59.

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Boris Johnson to tunnel under EU trade rules and appear like magic on the other side

SPOON FOR A SHOVEL : Some people dream small and accomplish small things. Some people dream big, very big, and accomplish nothing. Luckily for Global Britons their prime minister Boris Johnson is a big dreamer.

“But the EU isn’t so fortunate,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “They have to deal with the result of Johnson’s big dreams. And they best watch out because when it comes to giant schemes Boris punches above his weight.”

And the latest wheeze, rolled out by chance over the weekend, when not enough focus was on whether or not Matt Hancock should resign, concerns the EU directly.

“They’re so boring. They insist on thinking the way to get a multi-nation union to work together is constant agreement on a shared set of rules and values. Whereas Boris knows it’s acquisition of executive power, bullshit and silencing of dissent that does it. But they don’t learn. They keep banging on about rules for this and rules for that. They’re quietly decimating our export industries. The big girly swots. Johnson has a plan though to get under all that. They won’t see it coming, because they don’t read or speak English. We all know that.”

The details of the latest plan to distract from a minister who should be sacked haven’t yet been fully worked out, but what is known is that Britain is building. Britain is digging and it’s going to keep digging.

“Johnson is personally going to break ground on a tunnel that will take British exports directly under all those boring EU trade rules. The great mole is going to show them, or rather, not show them.”

And where does the tunnel end? What’s on the other side?

“Boris Johnson is on the other side! Once he finishes digging he’ll pop up like magic on the other side of the EU trade rules and all our exporters will magically follow him.”

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U.K. government minister now the most secure form of employment possible

BOB A JOB : A DEEP STUDY THAT PROBED THE CREVICES AND DEPTHS OF THE U.K. LABOUR MARKET HAS CONCLUDED THAT BEING A SECRETARY OF STATE IN BORIS JOHNSON’S GOVERNMENT IS CURRENTLY THE MOST SECURE FORM OF EMPLOYMENT POSSIBLE.

”It beats being any other public sector worker hands down,” Mr Jizzphang, lead researcher at Wall Paint Study Forum told LCD Views. “It used to be that being a minister was very insecure. You could be in the door one day and out the door the next. But not now. Now it’s essentially a free for all. Break any law you like. Be as incompetent and malicious as you like. Ministerial code of conduct? Ha! That’s for idiots. Nothing is getting you fired. Don’t sweat it. The majority of the media will have you back too. And laughably, the official opposition won’t even go for you. It’s watertight.”

The underlying reason for the strength of employment protection was put down to Brexit.

“Brexit is going to make masses unemployed and impoverished. Only to be expected, given its a mass transfer of wealth and power to an autocratic state. But Secretary of State? Do you support Brexit? You’re sound. Don’t sweat it. The PM needs all the human shields he can get, and you’ll be very well rewarded.”

Further reinforcement is provided by the personality of the prime minister himself.

“He has zero behavioural standards, therefore he’ll encourage the worst in his underlings and reward them for it with his protection. It’s a positive feedback loop that helps Johnson psychologically shield himself from awareness of his ineptness and depravity. Exceptionally symbiotic. Just not for the general public. But who cares?”

But while being in the ministerial car maybe secure it is surprisingly not the most profitable in filthy lucre.

“It’s not the most lucrative. No. That’s PPE supply to the U.K. government. Just phone up Matt Hancock.”

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Matt Hancock to be government Transparency Minister

CLEAR AS MUD: Now the court case that has cleared up government opaqueness is over, naughty Matt Hancock is to get a new job. 

His decision to reveal information on the public interest, when finally obliged to by a court of law, and only six months later than he should have done, means that he is the best man for the job. 

The logic is impeccable. The anti-corruption champion is married to the utterly corrupt Dido Harding. The Clandestine Channel Threat Commander is believed to be a pirate. The most responsible job in the country is held by the most irresponsible man imaginable. It follows that the Transparency Minister should be a man who, the court proved, concealed information illegally. 

Awarding an important role to somebody totally unsuited to it is nothing new, but the current government has elevated the practice to world beating new heights. 

Yes, it’s Matt Hancock, the man who cares so much about NHS workers that he gave them all a badge once. And clapped for them. But never shook the magic money tree in their direction. 

Oddly enough, Hancock instead watched squillions of pounds flutter gently into the capacious pockets of sundry Tory chums and sycophants, racing fraternity mates, and acquaintances from his local pub. 

It’s clear there has been a misunderstanding. Little Matt has been working night and day, straining every sinew, tirelessly fighting the War On Coronavirus. He can be forgiven for his occasional mistakes, and it’s clearly not cricket for the courts to disclose them. 

So, even though he has no spare time whatsoever, Hancock has another responsibility. He will ensure that glass ceilings become concrete, waters are muddied, and government websites crash as soon as they go live. 

Democracy, clarity, accountability. These words now mean the exact opposite of what they should. And the snotty news media should remember which side they are on, and wave the flag for Britain! 

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Matt Hancock to escape prosecution because he only broke the law in a specific and limited way

NOW YOU SEE IT, NOW YOU DON’T: Or in other words, using the Brandon Lewis defence. Lawbreaking is fine so long as you only break one at a time. 

“I’m totally convinced that this is a one off oversight,” wrote the Daily Mail, in a tiny corner of the Fuck It’s Real News Better Print It Then section, hiding it next to the small ads, and burying it beneath 743 pages of irrelevant speculation about the Royal Family. 

Other patriotic papers behaved in likewise fashion, the Daily Express excelling itself by blaming the EU and Jeremy Corbyn for Hancock’s blunder. 

“Breaking the law in a specific and limited way is a euphemism, of course,” explained legal eagle Bill O’Rights. “It admits the offence, but mitigates it by pointing out that the offender merely broke the law, and didn’t then go full Boris.” 

Going full Boris, is that an official legal term? 

“No, the phrase is specifically limited to private conversation,” said O’Rights. “It means as well as breaking the law, you get hammered and brag about it to all your mates. Then on the way home you pour petrol onto it, set light to it, and try to extinguish the flames by urinating on it. Then all round to Pongo Hyphen-Hyphen’s place for a night of drugs and debauchery.” 

There’s still time for Hancock to foul his own nest. In which case, he is liable to be pulled up by his House Master, and given a severe wigging. 

Given that Hancock’s boss is Boris Johnson, and that going full Boris is therefore jolly good, absolutely spaffing, it is likely that Hancock will go unpunished. After all, it’s only a little rule he broke, written by lefty traitors to protect the plebs. It’s on a level with goosing the school nurse during nit inspection week. 

In fact, Hancock should be rewarded for being forced to come clean. Think of his mental health!