TO BOLDLY GO WHERE NO TRADE DEAL HAS GONE BEFORE: Captain of the Tradeship Free Enterprise, Liz Truss, is applying for a deal which she promises will be quite literally out of this world. She has requested to join the Federation.
This truly is a piece of blue sky thinking. The government is reaching for the stars, or will do as soon as the dilithium matrix can be recalibrated.
Who needs EU? Truss has set the controls for the heart of the sun, and she will be mooning Barnier and the others from the safety of her personal holosuite.
“We currently buy less than 5% of our food from the Federation,” squealed Truss, wearing a particularly fetching ensemble of rancid pork and mouldy cheese. “That. Is. A. Dis. Grace! I’m your Venus, I’m your fire. We are going to the moon to bring back cheese, yes lad, cheeeeese. Don’t forget the crackers! And Mars bars from Mars, and Milky Ways and Galaxy bars. The real Operation Moonshot!”
What about Uranus?
“It’s a constant production line!” boasted Truss. “And let me tell you, I’ve sampled it, and it’s some seriously good shit!”
We haven’t developed warp technology yet, so why don’t we trade closer to home instead?
“Sorry, the comms just went offline,” said Truss. “I’ll just reroute power to the deflector arrays… There. Shields at 79% and holding. Trade begins on my mark. Engage!”
This all sounds deeply improbable.
“Yes, the trade runs on improbability drive,” agreed Truss, sipping a pan-galactic gargle blaster. “That’s also why the Free Enterprise has 42 decks!”
What happens if the Federation turns us down? After all, their entrance requirements are very stringent.
“Oh, that’s just the Vulcans!” giggled Truss. “They can go about all logical and sour faced, but it’s the Ferengi we are targeting. We will drill down to Quarks, although that’s just splitting hadrons.”
Excellent news. Make it so. To infinity, and beyond!
A ROSE BY ANY OTHER NAME : DOWNING STREET is to make moves to capitalise on the BRITISH VICTORY IN THE VACCINE WARS AGAINST EUROPE.
Many of the actions will be predictable.
“Boris Johnson has ordered a Spitfire fly past tomorrow along the White Cliffs of Dover,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views.
“You probably saw that one coming. We know Macron will! Take that!”
There will also be a new military medal celebrating valour on the post Brexit field of BATTLE.
“It’s to recognise that although we WON THE BREXIT WAR, we will never surrender either our sense of superiority or VICTIMHOOD just to please the UNELECTED bureaucrats in BRUSSELS.”
The war will never end, all can take heart from that, so long as Brexiters govern.
“We need an enemy always or we can’t make sense of the world,” the source clarified. “But the boldest move that Johnson has ordered will be the most effective.”
This is because it will call on the prime minister’s famous MASTERY OF the English LANGAUGE.
“Monday is when it happens. Little Mark Francois has been chosen to do the deed. This will cement his return to front line politics after a regrettable absence, for reasons its best to keep in the longest grass you can find.”
And the deed will be linguistic.
“Words and talking are his area of excellence and this one act will ensure victory in all and any of the weekly, daily, hourly fights with Brussels that will inevitably occur, frequently, thanks to BREXIT GETTING DONE. So long as BRUSSELS stubbornly refuse to remain alone in the 21st century. And even if they don’t.”
But what is this powerful deed?
“Boris Johnson is introducing a world beating new law that will force the publishers of the Oxford English Dictionary to change the meaning of British to “EXCEPTIONALISM”. And all other publishers of dictionaries. And that’s all capitals. Because that’s how we communicate NOW AND FOREVER FROM NOW IN GLOBAL BRITAIN.”
MAKING AN EXAMPLE OF HIMSELF : UK’s sovereign powers ruler Boris Johnson has temporarily broken free of “babysitting” duties this week and made a dash to Scotland.
And it’s not just dodging getting dragged into “girls’ jobs” about the home that sees the prolific inseminator crossing the shifting borders of the United Kingdom. He’s preserving a 400 year old Union on his mind.
”The dangers to the integrity of our country posed by my own actions can not be overstated,” the PM warned the Scots. “Which is why I have travelled here today for a few hours by jet, with my extensive entourage, and hopefully not that pesky virus, but you can’t be sure with me and my mates. We tend to be lazy about rules to protect others, and infectious. It makes us fun! Never know what we’ll do next! Huzzah!”
But what Boris Johnson will do next maybe a mystery, to no one but Boris Johnson, what the Scots are likely to do is looking increasingly certain.
“I implore you today to listen to the complete, 100%, unadulterated horseshit myself and my MPs spout about Scotland having already made its choice to stay in the deep, enduring, national friendships with benefits. Just because you decided to stay because you were warned by people like me that leaving meant leaving the European Union. And then I went and dragged you out of the EU right after. That’s no reason to stop me having access to the bedchamber! Wazaaah!”
But the PM of the United Kingdom had more convincing advice to peddle.
“Take Brexit for example. We spent years achieving it, did zero planning for it, have no idea now where we’re going. You don’t want to do that! Between you and me, behind closed doors, it’s bloody frightening! Ha! Now let’s toss each other’s cabers and forget about the social distancing?”
BRING OUT YOUR DEAD : THE UK’S LORD HIGH UNDERTAKER, AND PART TIME PRIME MINISTER, BUT FULL TIME GRAVEDIGGER, BORIS ‘AL’ JOHNSON HAS INVITED THE PANDEMIC TO PEACE TALKS.
The aim of the talks is thought to be securing a truce with the virus that has ravaged the UK under Mr Johnson’s barely sentient leadership. It is not yet known where the proposed meeting will take place, but most suspect a quiet, country graveyard with appealing views of the surrounding mass burials. What Mr Johnson is planning to wear to the meeting isn’t yet clear, although a combination of Big Tent character and 100% unadulterated horseshit manufacturer is likely to be the pick.
Mr Johnson is further expected to leave his hair uncombed, and may even purposely muss it up for the meeting (by use of a balloon), to wow the virus with his enduring and youthful appearance.
A spokesman for the Prime Minister said that he is willing to “wrap his arms” around his enemy, and that much common ground has already been found in the lowering of the pension bill. Working together, even while appearing to be fighting one another.
“The sweetener for the truce, should it be agreed, will be the titles and baubles that Mr Johnson is prepared to offer the virus, should it agree to a ceasefire.”
Many will recall how easily the middle ranking diplomatic service non-entity Lord Frost was convinced to let the EU make a complete and utter fool of him, just by virtue of the gift by the prime minister of more unearned British privilege.
“Covid will reach an accord with lands and titles in Kent. We believe it will live well by the sea in Thanet. Or perhaps even in Essex, where it can work hand in hand with control freak, apparently reformed death penalty champion Priti Patel. They would make a famous pair, as they both excel at ending freedom of movement.”
DIGGING FOR BRITAIN: Brexit expert and top Tory fish fetishist John Redwood wants us to grow everything we need in this country. Right now, the UK needs a vaccine for covid, so Redwood is suggesting that we grow our own.
After all, he has already hinted that the UK should become self-sufficient in bananas, tea, and of course fish.
Redwood rarely appears in public these days, his Vulcan blood meaning that Priti Patel is liable to deport him on sight. He directs operations from his secure bunker in a secret location via social media.
As usual, Redwood gives no guidance. But his gang of loyal followers insists that covid vaccine seeds are readily available. It is every Englishman’s duty to cultivate a covid cure, in the sunlit uplands where anything grows.
After all, on Redwood’s advice, we are all stocking our garden ponds with happy, British, fish and chips that spontaneously leap out of the water, battered, fried, and ready to eat, on command.
England is a nation of gardeners, now that the shopkeepers have gone out of business thanks to our Glorious Brexit. Every garden now boasts groves of coffee beans and a feature tea plantation. Banana palms are flourishing in the January cold and rain, fed by Belief In Britain and ample quantities of manure supplied by Redwood himself.
Thanks to Redwood’s patriotic fervour, even the smallest back yard is now capable of supporting a herd of cows. Households up and down the land are joyously cultivating bees, since Redwood has deemed banned pesticides to be harmless. It is truly a land of milk and honey.
But pride of place, next to the magic money tree, and between the coconut palm and the pineapple plant, goes to the Vaccine Bush. This sprouts vials of British vaccine, branded with the Union Jack, whenever an Englishman cries “What ho, old bean!” Huzzah! It’s a triumph of swivel-eyed jingoism over reality.
Or, alternatively, all it means is that Redwood has taken charge of a stash of hallucinogenic drugs belonging to Michael Gove.
SOMETHING FOR EVERYONE : POLITICAL MOVERS AND SHAKERS are energised this morning over the opportunity that has suddenly arisen from Boris Johnson’s decision to go to Scotland for a love-in.
“It’s well known how deep the feelings of the people of Scotland are for the People’s Prime Minister,” a representative of the EST (English Secessionists Today) called General Kokup, told LCD Views. “If they feel that strongly about him they can keep him! Ha! Just another gift from Westminster.”
It seems the EST aren’t messing around either and are calling for England to immediately secede from the United Kingdom.
“This is potentially a once in a generation opportunity to get rid of Boris Johnson,” General Kokup continued. “As you can see by my thinking my name is another example of reverse nominative determinism. Like James Cleverly. He can go north too!”
Whether or not Cleverly will take the EST’s advice isn’t clear, but what is as clear as his famous countdown clock is that Scottish independence is looming. And Boris Johnson is helping.
“Why should the jocks have all the fun? Breaking up the Union? The English started the ball rolling with Brexit. We need to keep it going. Keep the initiative. We don’t need those deepwater military ports and fishing grounds and renewable energy potentials. We’ve got cheese exports!”
How the customs border would work hasn’t yet been made clear, nor in reality any other planning.
“So? Did lack of preparation stop Brexit? The important thing is just to do something and let clever people work out how to fix it later. We’re going to build a wall! And pork exports will pay for it!”
Nicola Sturgeon is expected to respond to the EST’s call later today. As the situation clearly presents her with an opportunity to achieve Scottish independence and a speedy return to the European Union, and the 21st Century.
“She may think it’s a bit rum having to keep hold of Johnson to win independence. But she can build a camp on Trump’s golf course and keep him there. When the golf course is repossessed later this year they’ll take Johnson with them!”
“Flag waving is a popular propaganda technique, meaning that an action is justified on the grounds that doing [what is promoted] will make one more patriotic” – Nicole Hein, Spinning Coverage, 2008
We twenty-first century Brits like to wave the Union Jack. Bunting for festivals. A little flag to wave on the last night of The Proms. Village fetes and street parties. It’s a badge of justified pride and identity for sporting teams, the military and iconic exports like the Mini.
We are, or most of us were, proud of our flag. We know what it means, or thought we did. But its meaning seems to be changing. It is suddenly plastered across everything from Priti Patel’s living room to the front doors of Lidl?
This flag has the weight of our history woven into its fabric, beginning life as a maritime flag in the eighteenth century, ordered into being by King James VI and I, the first king of the United Kingdom.
Three centuries later it is now as much a cultural icon as a national flag. And it’s as true of our politicians as the people they’ve been elected to govern. British politicians have confidence in their vision for this green and pleasant land, don’t they? When they pose with the Union Jack, don’t they do it out of pride in the shared accomplishments of the United Kingdom?
It’s not for our politicians to misappropriate the flag, to weigh it down with exclusive nationalism instead of good, old fashioned “true” patriotism. Scoundrels like the former President of the United States of America, Donald Trump, do that. Our leaders treat our flag with dignity, taking their responsibility as custodians seriously.
Or at least they used to. Until Boris Johnson, until Brexit.
Now the mood in the land is shifting. And like the Saint George Cross before it, to many the Union Flag is becoming loaded with nationalism. People who want to still see the flag as a positive symbol wonder where it is heading.
And the Union Jack is everywhere now. The world of commerce reflects the political climate. The German supermarket Lidl has a heart shaped Union Jack on its doors. Why is that? They didn’t need to carry that symbol before Brexit.
The Co-op too were roundly mocked for their ice cubes. Not because people are ashamed of the Union Jack, quite the opposite, it was because it was on packaging that proclaimed the ice was “Made with British water”. As if water now must carry a nationality, like our happy British fish. These examples are becoming more common all the time.
Now when our politicians fly the flag it seems not so much to proclaim who we are, but to appeal solely to our emotions. If you disagree with me you must be unpatriotic, because I have the Union Jack at my back. In the age of populism too many politicians aren’t after debate and policy based on facts. No, they’re just after our emotions. They want us to act on our feelings. To take our country back. You have to ask where to, or from whom. They’re less exact on that.
“The ideal subject of totalitarian rule is not the convinced Nazi or dedicated communist, but the people for whom the distinction between fact and fiction, true and false, no longer exists” – Hannah Arendt
Flag waving is now as endemic in UK politics as Covid-19 is in the United Kingdom itself. Health Secretary Matt Hancock is reported to have backed calls to have the vaccine developed by Oxford University and AstraZeneca packaged in a Union Jack. Is Matt Hancock hoping to inject you metaphorically with nationalism while fighting the Covid-19 virus? Note that Pfizer didn’t insist on the German flag on their packaging. In any case these vaccines are the product of international cooperation.
This misplaced patriotism leads to this ridiculous situation: “Patients refusing Pfizer Covid-19 vaccine to ‘wait for English jab’, doctor claims” – The Daily Mirror, Jan 7, 2021
Maybe Matt Hancock is hoping you won’t notice the UK’s world beating Covid-19 death rate. He hasn’t suggested draping the coffins of our 100,000 CV-19 dead in Union Jacks. Why not honour the glorious dead, the foot soldiers of the War On Covid?
And it’s dangerous now. This fetish for the flag, as cabinet ministers display limp Union Jacks on stunted flagpoles in their homes for TV interviews, as if daring you to challenge them and be charged with being unpatriotic. Are we expected to not ask questions when we see the flag? To buy whatever it has been plastered onto? Be it a political project or a bag of ice?
Tory MPs seem under orders to stamp their social media posts with Union Jack emojis, like digital bunting. But the more the Union Jack is raised the more it seems to suggest we don’t know where we are going as a country. It raises more questions than it answers. Boris Johnson got Brexit done, but the resulting problems cannot be simply waved away.
Maybe leading Brexiter, Foreign and Commonwealth Secretary, Dominic Raab, can help explain the situation with some of his unique wisdom. “We’ve been humiliated as a country in these talks with the EU,” Raab asserted in June 2019, when he made his pitch to be Conservative Party leader, “We’re divided at home, and demeaned abroad.”
It’s hard to argue with that. Can a pandemic of flags cure our ills? Are the flags covering up more than coffins? Let’s hope this flag waving patriotism is not, as Samuel Johnson said, “… the last refuge of scoundrels” (Remember he was talking of untrue patriotism, he also believed it could be “true”). But words and deeds must match.
Because if it is a refuge of scoundrels, the viral flag waving, the lethal nationalism of the 20th Century, so replete with flag displays, tells us that the next coffin to be covered with a Union Jack could be the United Kingdom’s.
ALAS, ALAS AND ALACK: The poor man’s Winston Churchill impersonator, Boris Johnson, has defended the invisible track & trace system. The world beating, table topping, up ramping operation has cost £22bn to date for little or no return.
Where has the cash gone? Johnson explains in his usual unreassuring manner. Alas, we were obliged to spend the money on expert consultants, so necessary to ensure value for money.
“It is necessary to roll out people who know things,” babbled Johnson at the daily coronavirus briefing. “And experts do not come cheap. We want to build a world beating system, one that is already the envy of the whole world, Mars and Venus, Jupiter and Saturn, Oberon, Miranda and Titania. Neptune, Titan, stars can frighten, ooo!”
Johnson has captured Syd Barrett’s freewheeling style nicely there, but that’s where any resemblance ends.
Where has all the money gone, demanded LCD Views’ Dog With A Bone correspondent, Don Taskagain.
“Well, yes, no, erm, wiff waff, yes, it’s important that we do this correctly,” he replied. “There’s no need to panic, we have everything under control, these things take time, I give you my word that it will be up and running by September, no doubt about it, November maybe, February at the absolute latest!.”
But where’s all the money, Taskagain asked again.
“Yes, yes, yes, I’ve already answered that,” countered Johnson. “The problem, yes that’s it, the problem is the aging population and widespread obesity, and new models need to be created to cope with this new data, and we have a working party who will roll this out, until then, sadly, we will have to take the virus on the chin. We will fight covid on the beaches,” he said with sudden inspiration and a clumsy salute.
“And that’s all folks!” he concluded. “Same time, same place tomorrow, for Coronavirus Special!”
He gave a gameshow host smile and wave, and was gone like £22bn.
STRAINING EVERY SINEW: Working day and night to avoid scrutiny is not an easy job. Who can blame Crime Minister Boris Johnson, for needing to take the occasional power nap during the working day?
For example, a typical Wednesday morning for Johnson starts as early as 11.30am. His dedication to the cause is demonstrated by the fact that he puts on yesterday’s clothes, and doesn’t bother combing his hair. These moves are designed to save precious time.
He will then rush to the House of Commons after foregoing a second Full English breakfast, while fortifying himself with a few stiff G&Ts in his chauffeur driven limousine.
After that, he sacrifices a whole hour of his precious time to the traditional ritual of dodging Keir Starmer’s forensic questioning. After that, any man would need a swift forty winks.
By 4.30 he is ready to rouse himself for another Herculean effort. A couple of large brandies later, and he is ready to surround himself with flags and toadies to address the Great British Public. Once again, he makes a monumental effort to avoid the issues and to promise to take full personal responsibility for something or other.
Once again, he permits his cosy coterie of client journalists to lob him a few easy questions, for form’s sake. It takes a lot of nerve and skill to waffle meaninglessly on the spot, so another decent nap is on the cards.
By 8.00pm, he is once more awake, and by now hungry enough to tackle a modest 6-course banquet and a case of Champagne. On completion of this barely adequate repast, he now tackles his red boxes. A man of detail, he delegates the detail to someone else and reads the 2-page summary in large print. Adequately prepared for the following day, and by now mentally exhausted, it’s finally bedtime. He likes to relax with a couple of busty blonde fillies before taking a mere 12 hours of sleep.
TAKE IT ON THE CHIN: As the covid death counts tops a world beating 100,000, Crime Minister Boris Johnson has spoken to the nation. I will take personal control, he waffled, of taking full responsibility.
“I want you to know what I want you to know,” he clarified. “And what I want you to know is that I’m right behind the science, following it all the way, leading from the front. I’m right behind you, at the head of the queue, wiff waff, I say, and I want you to know that I am taking personal control of, erm, of taking full responsibility.”
There was a lot more of this, most of it comprising words flung together in a more or less random fashion, and delivered in that distinctive stuttering cod-Churchillian fashion, like a semi animated scarecrow.
“I am now fully in control of the fact, yes the fact, folks,” he claimed desperately, “that tenty hundredy hundred people, alas, have sadly passed from illness. I got that sentence from the Send ‘Em Home Secretary herself. We will, eventually, decisively, take immediate action. I take full responsibility for ramping up, doubling down, pulling in, rolling out, in, out, shake it all about, and doing the hokey cokey.”
The PM paused, since Matt Hancock’s tear generator (which he had borrowed for the day) kicked into action and drenched his face in water.
“As I said, I am taking full and personal responsibility for picking up the phone next time Marcus Rashford rings to have a go at me for delivering my party’s priorities!” he burbled in a sudden spurt of coherence. “And, rest assured, my personal photographer will be on hand to record the moment and photoshop it!”
The government was informed of the existence of covid-19 in December 2019. However, at the time the PM was too busy with his election.
Months of downplaying the risks and wittering about herd immunity followed. Then a full lockdown ruined by the Cummings affair. Next came the anti covid propaganda and highly expensive and ineffective Track & Trace. The virus laughed at us and took back control. Is the PM taking full responsibility for that?
“I’m taking full responsibility NOW!” he said, pausing dramatically. “There. Done that. The moment has passed. It’s somebody else’s fault again now.”
