Category: Mixed media

DON’T DO AS I DO DO AS I SAY : THE GOVERNMENT has announced a wholesale review of the BBC, with the presumed intention of demolishing it.

This will make it easier to demolish the NHS, the judiciary, the state school system, well, pretty much everything that in anyway provides some measure of ‘levelling up’, regardless of wealth at birth.

“It’s straight out of the ‘people who voted for the face eating leopards party surprised when leopards start eating their faces’ universe,” our ‘source’ inside 10 Downing Street, Mr Penny Drop, said, “and what’s best is that it’s not a parallel universe, it’s this one right here.”

It’s believed part of the problem with the BBC is its mission statement,

“to act in the public interest, serving all audiences through the provision of impartial, high-quality and distinctive output and services which inform, educate and entertain.”

“Clearly we’ve gone a long way to doing away with the public interest and impartiality issues,” the source continues, “by riddling the management chains of the news departments with hand picked place people. Oh and by endlessly platforming spokespeople from opaquely funded ‘think tanks’ who come on to normalise all sorts of historical amnesia. And of course, let’s not forget to doff our caps to the wonderful work achieved in establishing Nigel Farage as the political light house of the United Kingdom.”

All well and good, so what’s the problem now?

“Rich people can’t profit off the BBC. That’s one big issue. Publicly owned assets are a real slap in the face to the born to rule set. I mean, just imagine a pleb accessing the same content as yourself, for the same price? No good at all. It’s why we had to end Freedom of Movement for Britons on the continent of Europe. Now we have to end access to services which inform, educate and entertain. A subscription business model is the best way forward. Just look at the eye watering amount of debt that Netflix has to service! I look forward to earning a pretty bit of interest once the BBC is organised on similar fiscal grounds.”

This sounds like a great leap forwards.

“Yes. And what is particularly appealing, personally, is the stated aim of elected members of parliament to ban BBC stars from lucrative second incomes.”

But it’s well known that many MPs use the leverage provided by their public profiles to earn numerous lucrative additional income streams.

“Don’t forget the £50 you can claim for breakfast! Touchingly grotesque in a country reorganising its food provision along the lines of food banks.”

Quite. But what if BBC stars complain about the nobbling of their incomes? What are they supposed to do then?

“It’s obvious. Become Members of Parliament. Then you can just roll about in additional income streams to your hearts content.”

Don’t do as they do, do as they say, and that goes for the lot of ya! Not just the BBC. Nice work if you can get it…

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-politics-31619780

https://www.theneweuropean.co.uk/top-stories/data-lobo-mp-earnings-salaries-1-6405233

QUICK WHILE THEY’RE NOT LOOKING : NICOLA STURGEON became the first President of the newly created Republic of Scotland on Sunday and got away with it.

“She’s expected to have adopted the Euro and achieved continued EU membership for Scotland by the end of the day,” our Brussels’ insider said, “and we suspect even have completed the border wall, with EU funding, between Scotland and England, and begun accepting English ‘remain’ refugees before any English MPs pull their heads out of their backsides long enough to see what’s been going on.”

The timing of the declaration is believed to be down to Ms Sturgeon’s political nous.

“Get why the getting is good, as they say, well not in Scotland, across the pond I think,” our correspondent continues, “Andrew Marr has booked Meghan Markle’s dad for interviews until the autumn. Radio 4’s Today programme is now to split its time between Nicholas Witchell attempting to fit a GPS ankle bracelet to Harry and lobbying for the return of Page 3 girls on the radio. So no one is going to pay any attention at all to what Scotland is up to.”

Wales is also understood to be ready to universally declare independence from Westminster, and is expected to be joined by NI, The Falklands and Gibraltar when they do.

We did seek comment from Downing Street on the surprising development, but received only a brief note in reply, “As long as no one is talking about the Intelligence Report into Russian Interference in the EU Referendum we don’t care. Best of luck to them. Let’s hear what Meghan Markle’s estranged dad has to say about the Windsors all day, every day. A complicit press carries the day!”

MISSING IN ACTION : Relief today as the location of missing media celebrities, Laura “Boris on a park bench” Kuenssberg and Robert “We want you to come back from wherever you went” Peston has been revealed.

“No one is quite sure when Laura went missing,” our ‘news is entertainment’ analyst comments, “but it’s been painfully obvious she’s been MIA for a long time. Peston is more troubling though. He has just kind of faded from view over the last few years, as if under a spell, until yesterday POP! he suddenly vanished altogether.”

And it was the dual disappearance that really engaged the sleuths.

“It was actually a very cut and dried case once people went looking,” our man goes on, “the clue to their location was right there before us all, on video. It was blindingly obvious they were in the same place as that reporter Pike’s missing mobile phone. We all know Boris Johnson has very deep pockets, even if we’re not entirely sure how, so it was natural to look in there.”

And that’s exactly where the missing ‘democracy is now just reality TV’ hosts were to be found.

“We couldn’t get Laura to come out, although we’re still trying. Robert we tHiNk has been drawn in by some kind of slow acting charm. We’re hoping a magical practitioner can counter it. Although we’re managing expectations.”

It’s a good news story though. When both high profile Tory ‘source’ messengers vanished after the Matt Hancock put up job outside Leeds Infirmary, it seemed they maybe lost forever.

Of course the real question remains unanswered.

Just whose pocket is Boris Johnson in?

IT WON’T HAPPEN AGAIN : The BBC just can’t keep out of the headlines lately and today they’re full frontal again after a disastrous error.

“I don’t know how it happened,” BBC editor Berley Baitsome wrote on Twitter, “you would have thought interviewing a bloody OAP farmer in the North of the country was cast iron, foolproof, 100% guaranteed Brexiter. Jesus wept. What’s happened to the country? We’ve done what we’ve been told by the placemen and placewoman Cameron installed by threatening our charter and licence fee. I can only say sorry and that it won’t happen again.”

But fulsome apology or not, coming just days after the BBC reluctantly admitted it had digitally altered JFK giving a speech in Berlin to look like Boris Johnson, this latest screw up can’t go unpunished.

“All we ask is that Laura is still allowed to make intimate, dull lit, pseudo-erotic, one to one’s with Boris ‘Spermking’ Johnson,” the editor added, “don’t punish her for our errors.”

It’s unlikely though that Downing Street, and the alleged foreign moneymen assisting Downing Street pursue democracy, will allow things to remain unchanged.

“They don’t need to do anything,” Baitsome pleaded, “we will do it to ourselves. From now on all vox pops will only be conducted with pre-screened members of the public. I’m going to outsource it to the production team behind BBCQT. That will ensure we never again interview a remainer. To think we did it in an election campaign too? Hair shirts all round!”

The BBCQT production team? That’ll sort it. There will be more Brexit plants filmed purely by chance on the country’s pavements than in an impromptu performance of Day of the Triffids.”

TOO EARLY FOR SEASON’S GRATINGS : The BBC is under pressure to issue yet another apology for a broadcast mishap after they broadcast altered footage of the Three Wise Men visiting Baby Jesus.

While the broadcasting of the actual video footage of the nativity is not itself controversial, and has become a British tradition since it was first beamed out to the nation over two thousand years ago, sharp eyed viewers noticed a new member of the cast this year.

“Boris Johnson is there now,” a media analyst revealed to LCD Views, “holding a bus made out of empty wine crates. Apparently a gift to the messiah? Not sure it’ll sit too well next to the gold and myrrh to be honest. There’s little people painted down the side. One of them is screaming.”

How Mr Johnson came to be inserted into the archive film is only too clear.

“The BBC are saying it was an error in the editing suite. But that seems a little unlikely. You don’t just find video of a failed Churchill tribute act shoving a poorly made wooden bus into a cot, before necking the wine, boring Jospeh half to death about Theseus in a wool shop and then topping it all off by getting into a fight with a camel and falling asleep amongst some frightened sheep.”

It’s likely a qualified apology, of the “I’m sorry, but” kind will issue forth from the fortress of Broadcasting House some time today. But I think we all know what really happened there.

“I’m surprised they thought they’d get away with it after that special BBC current affairs edition that showed Boris Johnson beating Edmund Hillary to the top of Mount Everest. They didn’t hurt his prospects in the polls at all. Whatever the BBC is up to, what people see is what they recall.”

The riots promised by angry brexiters have gone completely unreported. The biased BBC has been slammed by furious truth seekers hoping for a more balanced media.

Of course, the facts leaked out onto the interweb. Crowds of angry people, some almost fifty strong, emerged blinking from Wetherspoons and started throwing evil glances left, right and centre.

The size of the protests almost slowed down a bit of traffic. It actually caused a couple of BMW drivers to honk their horns.

Thousands of banners were imagined by the worthy warriors. A number of badly spelled placards almost got made. Yet none of this was reported by the BBC.

After all, if it barely reports upon, and belittles, an assembly of over a million peaceful protestors, why would it bother with 17.4 million angry, rioting people who were there in spirit, if not in person?

Naturally we turned to the BBC itself for comment. “It’s not really entertaining enough,” explained BBC spokesman Telly Graf-Reader. “I mean, who wants to see a report about people gathering for a social event? Nobody wants that on Halloween, they want to see pumpkins carved in the shape of Nigel Farage.”

The BBC didn’t really mention the enormous People’s Vote events either.

“To be fair, a bunch of people gathering in London causing a few road closures isn’t news,” said Graf-Reader. “Local news at best, and fifth item, just after the standing report about dog poo bins.”

What would the BBC have said if one of the protestors had thrown an egg instead of a strop?

“Depends who it hit,” replied Graf-Reader. “If they had targeted Boris, Rees-Mogg, Francois or one of the other good guys, then it would have been full scale out of control mayhem and we would have backed the government’s plans to re-employ all the police officers they got rid of under austerity.”

If it had been a Remainer?

“Obviously that would have been an attempt to express their frustration with traitors betraying democracy,” explained Graf-Reader. “And we would have sympathised with The People while getting a bit huffy about their methods.”

And if it had been Corbyn?

“Egg on his face.”

No eggs were harmed in the production of this article.

Where does a statue go to hide, and reinvent itself? Slovenia of course, where the alleged statue of Melania Trump has been outed as the statute formerly known as Ronaldo.

More than this, the statue has renounced all names, and will henceforth be known as The Unpronounceable Squiggle.

“This is almost unprecedented,” claimed statue expert Chip Rock. “Statues have remodelled themselves in the past, but a gender reassignment is very rare.”

The commonest example is cutting off their nose to spite their face. “Like the Sphinx,” said Rock. “She attracted so much attention because of her beauty. Bored of this and wanting a quiet life, she denosed. Now she is pissed off because tourists flock to see her as an ugly weirdo instead.”

The Venus de Milo was shy about losing her arms, says Rock. “She hid in a cave for years, because she was embarrassed,” he said. “She had no way to cover up her boobs!”

Some have resisted temptation, though. “Michaelangelo’s David has been bombarded with junk emails offering penis extensions,” claims Rock. “But he is happy the way he is!”

Meanwhile the elusive Squiggle is about to commence a world tour. She/he is planning appearances next to Jesus in Rio De Janeiro, beside the Angel of the North outside Gateshead, and on the fourth plinth in London’s Trafalgar Square.

Squiggle’s final gig will be on Mount Rushmore in South Dakota. The faces of Washington, Jefferson, Roosevelt and Lincoln are all planning to become Donald Trump for the occasion.

The exact nature of Squiggle’s shows are being kept under wraps. Insiders have leaked some details. For example, Squiggle will sing a medley of hits including Little Red Cravat and When Snowflakes Cry. There will also be interludes of keepy-uppy, rolling around on the floor in fake agony, and sulking.

Statue means statue. Expect a very wooden performance.

https://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-48890660

A prominent journalist working for a major publication has realised that dementia sufferers struggle to get benefits. She wishes there was something she could do to help. Neither she, a major influencer, nor her government minister husband, has any idea what to do.

Is it true? asks Sarah Vine (for it is she). Well, yes. It’s one of the principles of a free-market neoliberal doctrine that you don’t get something for nothing. Are you disabled? Need some extra support? Well tough. It’s not our problem.

How is this not a national scandal? she continues. If only you knew somebody influential in the print media who could bring this to the attention of the nation! But Sarah Vine, star columnist at the Daily Mail, doesn’t know anyone who fits the bill.

Perhaps have a word with your MP? Wouldn’t it be fortunate if Sarah Vine were married to a prominent government minister, like Michael Gove? Then she could use her fortunate position to benefit the nation. But poor old Sarah is helpless.

Instead, she writes about inconsequential crap, like the ‘Gove once took cocaine’ story, amusing though it may be. You can just imagine their drug-addled existence, which presumably explains how Michael Gove ever managed to get laid.

Sarah could possibly write about disability benefits, but her piece would get spiked. The Daily Mail would advocate rounding up and shooting all disabled people in the neighbourhood. This would have two benefits. Fewer scroungers bleeding the country dry, and no undesirables in the vicinity who might affect property prices.

And what about Gove’s backstabbing buddies in Westminster? Not a chance they would change things, even if they wanted to. After all, austerity is designed to cut funding for social purposes, while borrowing heavily to fund tax breaks. Not even a cabinet minister could manage to change the way we run our country.

Oh well. Back to slagging off migrants it is.

BREAK AND ENTER : The UK’s state controlled broadcaster, the BBC, is to begin bringing 1930’s tribute act, Nigel Farage, physically to the homes of people who no longer watch their flagship shouting programme, Question Time.

“I’m going to lead the first raid, I mean visitation,” host of QT, Fiona Bruce, told LCD Views, “with our specially trained unit we will ensure that sheep who have strayed from the flock are returned.”

Anyone who doesn’t watch Question Time is minded to keep an ear out for the call “It’s the BBC! Open up!” outside their front doors.

“You’ll have several seconds to comply before the door is broken in,” Ms Bruce said, sympathetically, “but if you fail to open the door and allow Nigel into your dwelling, we will bust that shit open and in he will enter.”

Once Farage is inside the home the trained officers will encourage the homeowners to sit on their sofa so the shepherd can tend the flock.

“The bonus feature in this is that people who have had their door broken down will be added to the ratings of Question Time. That’s very generous of Nigel, don’t you think?”

As to who will pay for millions of broken doors?

“The great British pubic of course,” Ms Bruce shrugged, “they’re already paying for the BBC obsession with promoting populists. It’s a fair shout that Fuhrage would still be an obscure act playing Thursday nights in a Wetherspoons if we hadn’t doggedly elevated him over many years.”

But questions have been raised about what would happen if Nigel is taking one of his rare breaks from Question Time and viewers fail to watch a freak appearance by a Green or Liberal Democrat politician, or perhaps someone like David Lammy or Yvette Cooper?

“Oh, no, we’ll just wipe our brows and be happy we got away with it. Imagine having to open the door for a politician actually elected to office in the UK and belonging to a political party with actual policies? Relative to Nigel? We’d be using at least a tank to open the door or perhaps even a B-52.”

PARTISAN BROADCASTING PARTY: Nigel Farage is reported to have a bad case of the willies today after the BBC announced it is to stand candidates in the upcoming EU elections with a pro-Brexit manifesto.

”How will he get free PR if the state funded broadcaster replaces their hourly Fartage promotion videos with ones for their own candidates?” our election strategist Bill Clinton (some relation) asked,

“it’ll be an uphill battle. All those £499 (a quid under the legal limit for declaring who the donor is- our democracy is being fucked six ways sideways daily) donations coming in via untraceable PayPal donations to Fuhrage’s limited company (The Brexit Party isn’t actually a political party) are supposed to pay for micro-targeted ads to bigots and Empire nostalgia freaks on social media, not for TV slots! It’ll ruin the business model.”

It’s a good question and one the BBC should answer. They’ve built Farage and they can break him, they seem to have no interest in saying.

But who will stand for election as a BBC MEP is a hot question too.

”Humphrys obviously. He’s the draw card. They’re putting him up against Widdecombe. Kuenssberg also, she’s to run against Andrew Adonis. He’s likely to endorse her, even though he has clearly stated opposing views. And there’s a few other names of massively paid individuals who have long forgotten their job isn’t to be a ‘personality’ but to impartially inform.”

Nicholas Witchell is another, he’s rumoured to have stolen the Queen’s EU hat and is thus a shoe in, assuming the Beeb run him in a remain friendly area.

But there’s another surprising initiative too.

”Although Humphrys is being stood individually, because they couldn’t bloody stand the ranting if they didn’t, and let’s not forget he’s positively lethal with a rolled up copy of The Daily Mail in his fist, the Director General has also chosen to stand the entire news service as a candidate. Radio 4 political shows will hope to see themselves elected to the European Parliament for the first time. Once there they’ll be very disruptive, mostly by proclaiming victory daily for far right parties and ignoring the greater left wing gains.”

But how will they work the full time job of being a news service and an MEP if they’re successful?

”The same way Farage does. By not turning up to work and putting bugger all effort into understanding their briefs, so a combination of his and their own in house style. It’ll be a breeze. And best of all their ratings will go through the roof, which is all that has mattered for Auntee for years now.”