Category: Mixed media

BALSA WOOD PM : The UK’s least agile interviewee and most fragile PM, Liz Truss, has moved today to quell concerns over the blindingly obvious fact that she can’t interview to save herself, or her government.

“No one expected today to go well, if I’m honest. Bloody last Labour government!,” a backbench Tory MP told LCD Views. “By the way, there’s a reason I don’t have Conservative Party in my social media profiles. Only the team surrounding Truss in the Trunker thought having her actually talk would pour oil on trouble waters. She poured oil on alright, then threw on a lit match. Then stood there with a giant fan directing the gale force winds at the flames and clapped like a trained seal shown a very big fish.”

The catastrophic media round has at least forced the PM into a reaction much faster than destroying the UK economy did.

“The PM is too busy working out which tax cuts to gift to the wealthiest next to take time out to do anymore media rounds,” a source inside the Trunker told LCD Views. “For this reason a famous public figure has been approached to take Ms Truss’s place in all future slots. He will put a charming, bumbling, diverting face to the calamity. Just as he did between 2019-2022. If the people are entertained they won’t notice their house being repossessed.”

When queried why the new spokesman agreed to do it, the answer was obvious.

“He never wanted to do the actual job of PM. Look at how disastrous it is to try! He just wanted to wander about out pretending to be PM. The spokesman’s job is perfect for him. Liz has total faith he will have everyone laughing as they burn their dead pets for heating fuel this winter.”

I HEARD IT ON THE GRAPEVINE: Leader of the House, and Member of Parliament for the Regency Period, Jacob Rees-Mogg, has made his customary irrelevant intervention. As usual, he has taken an issue and missed the point by a country mile. Clearly, the tone of the row about illegal secret Tory parties is the most important matter under consideration.

Rees-Mogg does not seem to have an issue with holding any kind of social gathering during the strictest restrictions. Nor with the cavalier way that ministers appeared on TV speaking gravely, and warning that everyone should stay home and not mix at all, before doing exactly that. After all, infectious diseases were widely misunderstood in the early years of the nineteenth century.

In those times, life was short, hard and brutish. If the sewage-laden water didn’t finish you off, a traditional harsh winter would. And there was no electronic communication in these wonderful days of yore. There was in fact no need for the Lower Orders to talk, so busy were they generating income for their Lord. And the Lords would send elegant messages by way of a footman on horseback. It could take weeks for a message to get through, and more so if one forgot to add a postscript and had to send the exhausted footman on his way again the moment he returned.

Thus the natural rhythm of life as a country squire went by. The most urgent messages would be transmitted by pigeon, and Rees-Mogg sees no reason to change this most excellent method. A message is not worthy of the name, he states, unless it has been inscribed on the finest parchment using a quill, sealed with wax, delivered by the original air mail, and presented to His Lordship upon a silver platter borne by a servile butler.

One may then throw the missive on the fire, and eat the pigeon, and nobody ever needs to be any the wiser.

CALL AN EXPERT : The damning revelations of what a BBC journalist got up to in 1995 have understandably swept all other contemporary scandals off the front pages today, rather than running concurrently.

Gone are the PPE ripoffs. Gone is the letting rip of the Indian variant. Gone is Priti Patel and her desire for jackboots. Gone even is the effort to get Universities to agree that empire period sugar plantations were necessary for the personal development of the “staff”.

10 Downing Street is reported to be so excited over the Bashir findings that its temporary inhabitants are currently wondering how much damage the decades old scandal will do to the BBC? Especially delightful is the thought of how much damage the BBC will do to itself in response. How sharp the hair shirt?

Given how many Tory MPs seem intent on dismantling the public service broadcaster, even after jamming its hierarchy with chums, it’s an understandable point of focus.

Concerns are present however that Auntee may survive this and so no lesser ethics champion than the Prime Minister himself is convening a Star Chamber to decide on what to do, and to ensure the BBC picks up where it left in 1995 and carries on.

“Clearly the BBC has to be praised for the way it has handled Brexit,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views. “But we really do need to consider if it’s passed time to replace it with Andrew Neil’s new completely impartial news service? You know it. It’s the gammon one. Or maybe we just got the beast and let something more useful wear the hide?”

With that in mind the panel of ethical experts are being called together to advise the BBC on what to do now.

“Mr Johnson has called Mr Murdoch, Lord Rothermere, The Barclays and old Desmond together to advise the BBC on the ethics of journalism. Most importantly, how to avoid them.”

SPAFFING MONEY UP THE WALL: The news has broken that absolutely nobody is interested in a Prime Ministerial scandal. Neither is anyone interested that Boris Johnson allegedly lied about the alleged affair.

The fact that it’s our money he spaffed on, well, spaffing (allegedly), is also of no concern to the Great British Public.

“If it was important it would be on the BBC, innit?” enquired member of the public Willie Notice. “And it’s not on the BBC. So it never happened, right?”

Notice has a point. The BBC is there to report the news robustly, fairly and accurately, after all.

“If there was any truth in it, innit,” he continued. “It would be first item on the news, know what I mean? If Boris really shagged that bird and paid for it with our money, and lied about it after, that’s just the sort of thing the BBC would report, yes? So it never happened. Stands to reason, innit.”

There is the suggestion that the BBC is under orders not to report any news that could damage the Prime Minister or his government.

“Well, yeah, the BBC’s gone a bit shit these days, man, innit,” Notice conceded. “But think of it like this. What’s the story? Bloke shags bird, bloke spends money on bird, bloke lies about shagging bird, bloke puts it all on expenses. That is just a bloke being a bit of a geezer, innit?”

But it’s the Prime Minister. And it’s your money he spaffed. Then he lied about it. Allegedly. Do you want that man as your Prime Minister?

“Don’t care,” said Notice. “To be honest, if I was Prime Minister, I would do the same. Who cares about governing. I’m the flippin’ PM! Never mind Get Brexit Done, let’s get some serious shagging done!”

Johnson has been caught with his pants down. Unsurprisingly, as his pants are on fire.

UNWOKE : THE NEW DIRECTOR GENERAL of the BBC has acted swiftly and decisively today after one of the TV presenters revealed they have their own mind.

The shocking revelation resulted from Naga Munchetty liking several ideologically unsound tweets mocking one of the most honourable members of Her Majesty’s Government, Robert Jenrick.

“Baffling why anyone would mock Jenrick and his giant Union Flag,” a source inside the DG’s office told LCD Views. “It’s a good thing a massive Tory donor has been made the impartial Director of the public broadcaster. Such thought crime can now be torn out root and branch.”

It is believed forces within government are pushing for ms Munchetty to take the walk of shame, as made popular by Game of Thrones.

“If TV presenters, people with status, are allowed to openly laugh at the idiots in government the whole system of Idiocracy, Chumocracy, Cronyocracy that is modern 21st Century British democracy is at risk. They simply can not be allowed to look foolish, no matter how foolish they are looking.”

There should be no repeat of the shameful episode as the DG is rumoured to have handed the entirety of BBC presenter social media accounts to Russian bot farms.

“We will have the messaging right from now on, even if the grammar may sometimes be a little off. You just have to look at the success of the PM’s tweets to see how strong and stable thousands of fake accounts posting almost identical messages is for controlling the narrative.”

No action has so far been taken over her partner in thought crime, Charlie Stayt, although it is believed Priti Patel has requested she be allowed to deal with him personally and on her own.

WE LOVE YOU BORIS : The U.K. government has revealed once again that it sees George Orwell’s famous book “Animal Farm” as a guidebook, and not a warning, with the revelation it is paying “newspapers” to publish pro-Brexit propaganda.

“We’re just building on our successful strategy of paying them to publish articles praising our handling of the viral crisis,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “This is strong and stable government at its finest.”

The upbeat articles are aimed at countering reality which is seen to be “unhelpful” and “a determinedly negative remoaner” by 10 Downing Street.

They feature a host of businesses that are seeing their prospects only get better thanks to Brexit.

“If it wasn’t for Brexit I couldn’t increase my theft of oxygen,” one mouth breather told us. “I used to have trouble waking up in the mornings. But thanks to the ramped up, world beating success of Boris Johnson’s Brexit deal I don’t have that problem at all. I barely sleep a wink anymore,” a more truthful business owner commented.

But not everyone is happy with the use of taxpayers money to fund pro-Brexit propaganda. While it is certain Rishi Sunak must be completely aghast at the immoral squandering of precious public cash, he’s not alone.

“I don’t see why they need to do it. We have our sovereignty back. What else do we need? Everyone can feel the benefits,” one punter commented.

“The real scandal is the act of paying. I’m shocked as the Fail and others normally just do it for free.”

But our source was ready with the justification.

“Not every single person sympathetic to the government received a multi-million pound PPE contract. So this way the public can pay back to the billionaire press barons for all the hard work they’ve put in to manage the narrative.”

YOU CAN’T LAUGH AT AUTOCRATS : THE NEW DIRECTOR GENERAL OF THE BBC has got off to a flying start by tipping his hat to Dominic Cummings.

“It’s magnificent,” a Downing Street source told LCD Views, “if it wasn’t for the new DG’s threat to axe left wing comedy then everyone would be talking about our plans to destroy the electoral commission.”

Whether or not the announcement by the BBC’s new director general to axe left wing comedy is a dead cat or not is up for debate. The plans to hobble the Electoral Commission are no joke. That’s deadly serious. As it’s one of the few official bodies that called out the lawbreaking by the Brexiters.

“The BBC thing is a Schrodinger’s dead cat,” the source explains, “it both is and isn’t a dead cat story. It causes outrage amongst the lefties, so is a useful distraction, but it’s also something that needs doing, when you really think about it.”

The reasons are obvious.

“Comedy is one of the most democratic forms of protest. Anyone can do it. And to laugh at those with power over you is valuable dissent. We can’t be having that if we’re to make a success of Brexit!”

What will replace the left wing shows is not yet clear though.

“If we were really after balance we wouldn’t replace them with anything, that way everyone is equally miserable, regardless of where you are on the political spectrum.”

What about a “Very British Comedy” featuring all the non-PC jokes from decades past?

“No, I think we’ll just add a laughter track to Question Time,” the source shrugs, “oh and outlaw repeating footage of a certain right wing joke flailing about on a high wire and looking a right prat.”

NO NEWS IS GOOD NEWS: National broadcaster the BBC has suffered in the A level grading scandal. The infamous algorithm has downgraded it to the CDE.

Disappointed public sector broadcasters everywhere were upset, because instead of being solid, steady, middle of the road, BBC, they have become failures overnight. CDE just isn’t good enough to get into the UK’s top living rooms.

“This is a disgrace!” thundered BBC, I mean CDE, journalist Fylde McCopy. “I’ve worked hard for my BBC! It’s been my ambition for the last two years. To have it reduced to CDE is an insult. I’ll never get to read the Ten O’Clock News now. Instead it will be a lifetime of chasing Nigel Farage and amplifying his outrage.”

It was a similar story across the entire organisation. Lofty ambition has taken a back seat to harsh reality.

“I was planning a career in political analysis,” moaned cub reporter Parry Shrag. “Now I’m looking at taking notes at the local district council meetings, where all they talk about is parking spaces and dog poo. If I’m lucky, I’ll get to write the daily horoscope. I’m fair minded, being a Libra, but everybody knows I’m better than this!”

Both Shrag and McCopy were sure about the reasons behind the downgrading. “We aren’t posh enough!” they said in unison. “This is a political decision to decrease the opportunities to anyone who didn’t go to Eton!”

In a parallel downgrading, ITV is now OMG, and Sky has become WTF. Gold has become Base Metal, and Fox has become FIX. Oddly, RT will henceforth be known as A*A*.

So the entity now known as CDE News will have its benefits cut back and its horizons limited. Instead of thorough and rigorous journalistic training, there will be a demeaning drill of Pavlovian responses and regurgitation of government statements.

One brand new series has been commissioned. One Man And His Dogwhistle.

WE’RE NOT RACISTS BUT : THE UK MEDIA IS IN FOR A STANDING AWARD AFTER A DECISION TAKEN AT THE HIGHEST LEVELS OF GOVERNMENT.

“Just because we haven’t addressed the gross injustices visited upon the Windrush Generation, done much at all about Grenfell or bothered to have anything other than ‘diversity of thought’ at the very top, doesn’t mean we can’t hunt down the protestors who threw Edward Colston into Bristol Harbour,” a representative for the Home Office told LCD Views. “Slavers should stand on plinths. It’s about who we are and where we’re going as a nation. Any fool can see that. It’s about values and how we express them.”

The spokesman went on to give a nod to Brexit, which has made pretty much every UK racist exceptionally happy, and to the fact that we have Boris “some of my best friends are” Johnson as prime minister. This is spite of long and shameful history of use of racist tropes.

“There’s really only one way we can think to honour the regression we’ve achieved as a country over the last decade, in the service of hard right billionaires stirring up ethno-nationalism to protect their tax havens, and that’s with a statue.”

The statue will be raised on the plinth that the old slaver Colston stood upon.

“The design is a bit tricky, as we have so much of the MSM and commentators to thank for manipulating a potentially tricky national debate about racial equality into one solely concerned with the fate of statues of long dead white men, some of whom were actually rather racist. I mean whose life is more important here? Black people suffering through institutional racism or long dead white men, some of whom were slavers? Global Britain.”

A ‘Clap for Colston’ is also planned, mostly as a dead cat, just as soon as Prime Minister Cummings believes it’s appropriate.

Take back control! Puppet master Rupert Murdoch is having a whale of a time with his mass hypnotism.

Murdoch’s stable of red top top sellers and their imitators are the medium’s medium. It’s simple. You plant the seed of fear, and sit back and watch people panic.

Recent successes include Brexit, the migrant crisis and of course coronavirus. Why bother with the tiresome business of reporting the news when you can have much more fun manipulating the masses?

So, the rumour goes, Murdoch calls regular meetings of his senior management to determine how best to lead public opinion. Or mislead it. Either way, Murdoch’s personal crusade involves misdirection, so that the great mass of public fail to grasp what is happening before their own eyes.

The technique is simple. You decide upon the desired objective. Focus attention on one small aspect. Throw a very few emotive words out. Words like sovereignty, swarm, epidemic. Repeat in large shouty capitals day after day. Amplify with social media bots. Sit back and watch. It works every time.

While the scrutiny is directed elsewhere, you and your cronies are free to do as you please in plain sight.

What, then, is the next engineered distraction? Well, there is a Labour leadership battle to obsess over. Same technique as ever. Find one tiny flaw in the frontrunner. Make a complete mountain range out of this molehill. Discredit this leader before their tenure begins. Repeat this one flaw incessantly to fix public opinion. Ensure they have to talk about this instead of government policy. Job done.

It could be a campaign to save the NHS. While public outrage is directed towards a lack of ambulance drivers, say, the whole service is privatised, with drivers on zero hours contracts and with minimal first aid training. A great success is announced. And so it goes on.

It’s anyone’s guess. But never mind. Just look the other way.