Category: Having a Laugh

BREAKING : A medical emergency at a Stephan Yaxley-Lennon campaign rally yesterday saw one unlucky fan rushed to A&E after coming into contact with a food substance they were deeply allergic to.

“It didn’t contain nuts,” a spokesman for the Whiter-than-White Shire Ambulance Service told LCD Views, “I mean everyone at the rally is completely nuts anyway, so they’d not be able to stand together in their little group if they were allergic to nuts. I don’t even know how they stand themselves as it is!”

It seems while nuts were involved, albeit only of the vaguely human variety, there was another danger lurking within the food available at the rally.

“They should promise to bribe people through the tax system,” a spokesman for the local constabulary commented, “that’s what mature politicians do. Not give away gammon burgers. Such a display of cannibalism is frankly an assault, and don’t get me started on the actual politics on display. And definitely don’t get me started asking how a convicted criminal is even allowed to stand as an MEP in the first place?”

But what was the dangerous food that caused the punter to be rushed to A&E.

“The individual concerned, a Mr G Gammy-gammon, is believed to have accidentally consumed a small portion of a Gregg’s vegan sausage roll,” the PC police replied, “this led to instant analphabetic shock and a tightening of the airwaves sufficient to stop him shouting abuse at passersby. And we all know without the ability to scream at people a Tommo fan boy is in a critical condition. I believe an inability to raise the arm in a flat palmed salute is also symptomatic of vegan food poisoning.”

But surely the food hygiene standards at such a rally would be watertight?

“Definitely no halal or kosher food anywhere in sight. And yes, no vegan or even vaguely vegetarian food. We suspect it was sabotage. There’s no other reason as to how the sausage roll in question came into contact with the gammon burgers.”

A local outlet of Greggs, near to the rally, has been cordoned off while police laugh at the people attending the rally.

For more information on this incident we have included a link to the article below from the minor news service that brought it to our attention :

https://www.standard.co.uk/news/uk/tommy-robinson-told-by-police-to-stop-handing-out-free-burgers-as-bribes-during-election-rally-a4126946.html?utm_medium=Social&utm_source=Facebook&fbclid=IwAR2N5fo61p1hoNXob1vptDxzqZBf-vQpOMc4V4-QaVXrSI9Y3raoVLQiccc#Echobox=1556266942

The Brexit Party is stopping at nothing to dominate the upcoming EU elections in late May after the announcement that it will stand a brain in a jar as a candidate.

While it’s not certain whose brain it once was, to be revealed at a launch of the disembodied and pickled organ’s campaign later this week, it’s certain to be smart enough to gather in Farage’s target voters.

“It’s upset Fox and Widdecombe,” a Brexit Party campaign coordinator told us, “when they announced they were candidates they believed the facade of the party as somehow progressive and democratising couldn’t be ripped away any further. But now, with the formaldehyde soaked specimen agreeing to stand, it’s torn the limelight away just as quickly as it arrived. They’re not happy.”

It’s not clear what the brain in a jar will say at its campaign launch, if anything at all.

“I wouldn’t worry about that. Nigel has been practising his ventriloquism skills. The dead brain will talk alright and the audience will cheer ‘brains! brains! brains!’ in approval.”

The candidacy of the brain is thought to nicely round off the candidates standing for Farage’s new vehicle too.

“We’ve got a guy who taught his dog to do fascist salutes as somehow a champion of free speech, which given the track record on that issue of the group that devised the salute, well, you tell me who buys that and I’ll sell them a bridge in central London. We’ve another guy who makes rape jokes as if decades of social progress never occurred at all, an aged religious fanatic and a BBC regular who promotes far right values under a guise of being far left, now with a brain in a jar, the bases are covered.”

How the brain in a jar will work with the party’s manifesto is not clear either as the Brexit Party will not be announcing a manifesto until after the elections.

“It’s a complete and utter pisstake,” the insider told us, “Nigel has taken trolling the UK to a level even Putin would be proud of. You’ve really got to wonder what’s happened to the country when a sizeable number of people believed to still possess functioning brains, however rudimentary, are still falling for it.”

A man who has been elected to parliament, because of a comedy routine which got right out of hand, is said to be feeling better this morning after planning time with his nanny.

“I was seeing cavemen everywhere I looked,” the man told LCD Views, “not cavewomen because they are home in the cave where they should be, having cave babies. And they are to have those cave babies regardless of circumstances,

“It’s their cave duty to cave God. So not them, but these scary cavemen waving about these big ugly democracy clubs. Some of them are supposed to be on my side! But then they rushed me and gave me a constitutional wedgie!”

Apparently the cavemen aren’t going away anytime soon either. And there are thousands of them roaming the streets close to the man’s home without their betters’ permission! It’s very much his worst nightmare.

“Uncontrolled poor people. Tories who aren’t suddenly slavishly serving tax havens!”

It’s believed the man has suffered from this anxiety over cavemen, or commoners as he also refers to them, ever since realising that not everyone is born with massive wealth into a chumocracy and the instinctive ability to know what is best for their inferiors.

“It’s pretty frightening stuff. All these jealous people want my silver spoon. This is why I keep it where I found it when I was born. It is my earnest hope we can get back to a time where only people born owning everything they see are entrusted to make decisions on behalf of the cave dwellers,

“You know, decisions like taking away any form of support they receive out of the mistaken belief that accident of birth is not a fair dealer. Accident of birth worked out very fair for me. These malcontents need to learn to have better accidents.”

So deep was the concern over the sheer number of cave dwellers who had left their caves to come out and demand their democracy behaves like a democracy, the man has to go to his safe place.

“Nanny is always there for me,” the man added, “I need her terribly much. No more so than on days when the political project I’ve put myself front and centre of in order to get even richer through creating a big calamity in the caves appears under threat.”

Not only because it’s based on absolute lies, and by conning as many cave dwellers as possible, but because those lies are now being exposed before the man and his chums have finished manufacturing the calamity! Silly Cambridge Analytica!

”I’m very glad my Auntie is not reporting on it.”

The man looked flushed and started to sniffle then. So we asked his nanny for comment.

“There, there Jacob poos,” Nanny said, “cavemen aren’t really real. Not anymore. There. There. Once you’ve finished your little Brexit you can start restricting their ability to vote. Won’t that be nice too? Don’t worry about all the bigger boys you and Boris bizarrely kicked out of your club. They’re only extremely wealthy egomaniacs, they’ll just take it lying down. Like you did when you got the wedgie.”

And then the man began to sob uncontrollably again.

Breaking news this afternoon that there has finally been a resignation inside 10 Downing Street. But not the one so many millions are crying out for.

“The podium used for important speeches has resigned,” our 10 Downing Street insider whispers down the line, “with immediate effect.”

It’s not entirely clear what the reasons for the lacquered wood walking out of what is a prized job in the furniture world are, but it’s believed work place conditions can only be to blame.

“You imagine its job? Just imagine it,” our insider demands, “you’re rarely seen. You spend most of your time in a cupboard feeling all alone. Much like the prime minister does. But now and then, at times of moment in the nation’s history, the door opens and you’re lifted out.”

But only to find some middle aged kipper playing out their psychodrama on an international stage ranting from behind you?

“Something like that,” the insider says, “the podium has had enough. It’s only on a zero hours contact anyway. It wants to find a place to work where people stand behind it who actually have something to say. Early reports it was heading to the Labour HQ have been denied, as it believes it will just find itself in the same conditions, but with less to do. It’s most likely going to seek work in Brussels.”

And we understand that the podium isn’t the only furniture, fitting or fixture considering its position in light of the endless horror contained within the historic walls?

“The toilet is about fed up too,” our insider replies, “it’s actually saying as soon as I’m done hiding in the WC talking to you that’s it calling Pimlico Plumbers (shameless name drop as thanks for the ‘Bollocks to Brexit’ signage!) and arranging to be rescued. It doesn’t believe it’s the capacity to handle Theresa May locking herself in on top of it for another evening of screaming at the tiles.”

LCD Views can print the made up scoop tonight that the UK’s newest anti-establishment, counter May-Tory culture hero, John ‘the bollocks’ Bercow, is to headline Glastonbury 2019.

It’s believed ‘the bollocks’ is to fill the now traditional political speech slot, after Jeremy Corbyn cancelled.

Conveniently it’s just before The Who come on, so hopefully when Daltrey sings his gammon hymn, ‘My Generation’, his piles will be inflamed by Bercow and cause the song to flop as Daltrey breaks apart mid song to shout “We won, get over it!”.

”Jeremy got word, that thanks to his colleague Theresa May’s, shambolic failure to drive Brexit through by the spring, there’s a strong chance there will be an anti-Brexit protest presence in the audience,” our music festival correspondent reports,

“he suddenly realised he had a diary clash. He’s apparently previously booked to fly as far away as possible on the day, but attend a place with undeniable human suffering, so people have a hard time calling out his cynicism in the press and on social media. Bercow was happy to take the chair on the Pyramid Stage, as parliament will be in recess anyway.”

It’s understood that ‘the bollocks’ will read from his personal copy of Erskine May from the stage, in particular the rules regarding attempting to repeatedly bludgeon MPs into voting for a pile of shite.

”But the showstopper will be when he does his spoken word turn,” our correspondent says, “he’s going to read the full lyrics of the classic Rage Against The Machine song ‘Killing In The Name’ complete with the swearing. It’s going to be amaze balls to the max.”

After the lyrical performance Bercow will be moving his chair to the middle of the crowd and regaling the revellers with his favourite memories of his time as Speaker of the House of Commons.

”If we’re lucky he’ll do a full ten minutes of shouting order too,” our correspondent adds breathlessly, “Corbyn benefitted from the crowd being off its tits on MDMA when he showed up. There’s no reason to believe John ‘the bollocks’ Bercow won’t get a similar high reception.”

Be there or be square.

The pied piper of English nationalism, Nigel Farage MEP, has announced that he is to lead a pack of zombies on a crusade by reading from his favourite book about becoming gammon.

”Zombies normally travel in the direction of brains,” our neurological disorders consultant says, “clearly if that wannabe fascist is leading the march they won’t move drawn by the scent wafting off his cranium, as he smells just like them. He can’t play the pipe, so he’s got to find a different way to motivate the mob.”

And motivate them he will with his favourite passages from a famous memoir written in the first half of the twentieth century by a man many say he aspires to immitate.

”It’s his own translation and he’s had it printed up as a pop-up book,” our consultant informs, “anyone brain dead enough to pay to walk on a public footpath beside him that they could walk on for free will be allowed to purchase a copy for only £50. It’s really a steal.”

But questions have been asked over whether or not Mr Farage will lead the march the entire distance, and is this not just another publicity stunt to pick the pockets of the gullible?

”I’d say it is. Especially as they’re not actually marching the whole way, but coaching about a lot and it’s highly likely Nigel will quit leading the march when it’s only half way done. But declare it as success.”

And what path does he plan to lead the zombie march down, at least at the start?

”The garden path I’d expect, before buggering off for a pint.”

An NHS trust hospital in Basildon was facing special measures today after reports surfaced of clinicians routinely licking their fingers during surgery.

A nurse working in the day surgery outpatient unit turned whistleblower after complaints to senior management at the hospital left her feeling bloated with worry and curiously unfulfilled.

”I feel the management haven’t treated my complaints about the falling hygiene standards since the new delivery company took over seriously,” Nurse Hot Wings told LCD Views in an exclusive, “in fact all  worries over what’s going on with routine, breast, thigh and leg operations appear to be locked in a safe and guarded with total secrecy. I personally made it known about eleven different instances, mostly involving the use of various herbs and spices during surgery. The surgeons should have been using gauze and tweezers.”

But Nurse Hot finally had a gut full when she witnessed a recently retired army colonel, now employed at the hospital, break all established rules of cleanliness during an operation to repair a broken femur.

”I shouldn’t name names, but I will,” she continued, “as this is just too serious. This new registrar, a Doctor Sanders, who claims to have served in the military, but I haven’t seen any proof of that, he started licking his fingers while operating to repair a shattered femur by bolting it down with a freshly fried chicken leg.”

Nurse Hot said she attempted to intervene but she couldn’t understand what Colonel Sanders said.

”Something about the surgical tools having become finger licking good! There wasn’t much more I could do, he’s senior, so I took the bargain bucket off the tray of surgical implements and made my way to the nearest park.”

And what did you do next?

”I finished off the bucket. It was the only way I could be sure the chicken wouldn’t end up entering some unfortunate’s abdominal cavity the wrong way.”

Reports that a KFC in the town is now offering a special offer wherein you can get routine surgical procedures in the restaurant with any purchase of a zinger burger are yet to be investigated, but we have a feeling it’s no coincidence.

Fantastic news for amateur and professional fundraisers today with the notice that the crowdfunder set up to give Nigel Farage his dream come true, a dream holiday during a second EU ref, has raised £350m in its first week.

“I need to clarify a couple of points right from the top,” our Prats Go Away correspondent says, “technically its the NF can FO’s crowdfunder’s first week, but it’s only been live for an hour. Also, it’s not really a second EU referendum, but a third, as the first was held in the 1970’s. The second, the advisory one riddled with dark money, criminality, foreign interference and bullshit promises was the second one.”

That’s all very well and good, here at LCD Views we are dedicated to checking our facts, but aren’t we missing the point of the overwhelming level of support for Nigel Farage following his latest interview on Sky?

“Yes, support for Nigel Farage to leave the country appears to be at an all time high,” our correspondent agrees, “perhaps the largest public mandate of all time.”

So where is he likely to be sent with all that money?

“There’s a lot of preferred destinations from people donating, although Nigel himself would presumably prefer Moscow. Or any country that doesn’t have an extradition treaty with the USA.”

What’s top of the list?

“Hell. But no travel agency or web based sales agent appears to know how to get there. Fair to say though, given how many near death experiences Mr Farage has somehow survived, he is certainly expected down below.”

Okay, so it’s on Earth. Where?

“The Bermuda Triangle appears to be top of the list. He can go by plane. Preferably a 1940’s design.”

Maybe he can go by bus?

“He could. We can all gather and launch him on his way at Beachy Head.”

Bon voyage Nigel! You don’t want to be in town when the walls of Brexit come tumbling down and the public enquiries begin.

“Now look, I want everyone to know I’m not just a big pussy,” Roger, the cheetah now famous for licking Boris Johnson on the hat, told LCD Views this morning, “he was hiding his face the whole time. I thought it was a big, stupid blonde kid who no one really likes and who needed cheering up. I didn’t realise it was the giant prat who makes dog whistle jokes in the Torygraph.”

Be that as it may, Roger is still coming in for a lot of flak this morning after missing his chance to change the political landscape of the United Kingdom.

”I know you’re an endangered country,” he goes on to say, “I understand how you feel. Clearly. I just wish someone had given me a heads up. Politicians attempting to use me to strap on some green cred, when we all know they’d wear me as a coat if they could get away with it, that really gets my goat.”

Roger went on in this vein, but it was fair to say that the big pussy is in danger of protesting too much.

We decided to press him for why really, why did he blow his chance not only for enduring personal fame, but to do his part to save our country.

”FFS. You want to know why? Really?”

Of course, or we wouldn’t be stroking you up the wrong way. Spill the beans.

”What do I eat? Antelope. I eat antelope. All sorts of varieties and warthogs. But I don’t touch bloody gammon. And that man is total gammon. The salt content is way too high.”