Category: Governing the people

LIKE A CIRCUS SEAL WANTING A FISH : THE PEOPLE’S PRIME MINISTER Boris Johnson has a lot on his plate these days. What with redecorating the Downing Street flat and planning for an “irreversible” pint next Monday. But that doesn’t mean he doesn’t have a few spare moments to think about the deteriorating situation in Northern Ireland.

“He’s having the think before today’s arts and crafts session with the empty wine boxes,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views. “And after he chooses what outfit he’s wearing for dress up today.”

The importance placed upon dealing with the rioting in Norther Ireland, which has been daily for a week now, shows just how capable a PM Mr Johnson is.

“He’s definitely going to work up a fix before he scrolls through his address book wondering which mistress to bang next week,” the source is certain. “He’s really concerned about the Irish. He is in no way colonially minded about the situation. It’s a bit of a shock really. No one at all saw getting Brexit done could lead to trouble across the Irish Sea. And if they did we denounced them as traitors and ignored them. So NO ONE.”

There are of course several possible solutions that spring immediately to mind.

“He could begin negotiations to rejoin the EU single market and customs union, recognising that this would protect the peace process and in all likelihood safe lives. But he won’t do that. How boring are other people? Especially ones you have never met who aren’t offering you any short term advantage? He could of course begin negotiations to find a long term way to re-unifiy Ireland. But again, yawn. Can you just imagine the texts from Foster? He’d need a new mobile number.”

It’s hard to see a solution then? Either the entirely voluntary project Brexit has to be betrayed or the people have to suffer.

“Don’t be so hasty. He’s got something up his sleeves. Or rather at the end of his wrists.”

What’s that?

“He can lead a clap.”

BACK TO SKOOL: It’s time to get back into the office. Just as the schools break up.

This is possibly to minimise contact between covid-carrying children and their unvaccinated parents. Or possibly just another screw up from a man who has a strong grasp on himself but on precious little else.

We as a grateful nation are delighted to take our lead from a man who claims to work night and day, but punctuates this with power naps. And we admire a man who thinks that “work” means “dressing up in hi viz while breaking the essential travel ban”.

Ordinary commuters up and down the land are excited about the return to work.

“I for one can’t wait,” said handpicked talking head Tori Plant. “It will be a joy to lose two hours of sleep, or even more if there’s a lovely breakfast meeting. To shave bits I haven’t shaved in months, to actually have a shower, to put on uncomfortable clothes and makeup, to drive into town and get frustrated with the traffic jams. I have missed battling with useless computers, interminable meetings called by someone who just wants an ego boost, and the constant low level harassment from male colleagues.”

That’s quite a list. But you haven’t mentioned your inspiration yet, and we agreed that you would.

“That’s an extra fifty grand, then,” she snapped. “Sorry, that’s off the record. Put it into my hand, right now… Thank you. OK, here goes… I take my inspiration from Boris, of course,” she explained, in a much warmer tone. “He works so hard, and he’s such a role model, and if he came to my workplace he would definitely be my office shag.”

I think we can all take inspiration from a man who has never done an honest day’s work in his life, yet manages to get the country’s top job. There’s a lesson there for all of us.

WHAT’S FLYING ON YOUR POLE : THE BLUE PLAQUE industry is said to be so mad they’re considering legal action today after the Ministry of Infidelity chose the Union Flag as the monument to mark locations of Prime Minister Boris Johnson’s affairs.

“We already had compositions in the drafting stage,” Non-existent industry representative Bloo Plack told LCD Views. “The PM bonked here. It’s direct and to the point and who wouldn’t be proud to have one of those plaques over their door?”

But it seems whoever has the contract for Union Flags has muscled in on the plaque people’s business.

“That’s hundreds of plaques that now won’t be glued to exterior walls. You don’t need wind for a plaque. We also attract people’s interest. They come over and squint up wondering if they’ll recognise the personality remembered. The flag? It’s everywhere. Who is going to care if Boris Johnson shagged in the property or not? Unless they put a picture of the conquest in question on the flags? Are they doing that?”

The good news for the prime minister though is that most of the media focus and social media comment today does appear to be directly on the infidelity itself, and not the masses of public money that may, or may not, have been incorrectly paid to the conquest in question.

“Boris Johnson shagged here. It could have seen a boom for our industry. But instead it’s to be the Union Flag again. About the only positive I can see is that once it gets associated with Johnson and the moral sewer the man is, maybe, just maybe Tory MPs will be less keen to have them in their living rooms.”

The revelation of expenses claims by Priti Patel have caused quite a stir since they were released this week. They include over £100,000 on services provided by Global Beauty Products and their subsidiaries. People have been asking not only why beauty treatments should be considered valid expense claims for the taxpayer to cover, but also why anybody needs to spend that much money on them. It turns out there is a reason that answers both questions at once.

Our glorious leader Boris Johnson made a statement on the matter last night.

“Of course she needs that much on beauty products. It’s a vital expense claim because it covers up her true appearance, which is part vampire, part demon from hell. Golly gosh yes, I even accidentally tented my undergarments the one time I caught her without her disguise – er, makeup – on.”

This confirmed some long-held suspicions, and indeed Mr Johnson went on to elaborate:

“Some of her slaves – er, wait, I mean staff, er, hang on no I don’t – were rendered incapable of doing any work at all when they saw her in her natural state. So her beauty expenses are vital to ensure that home office slaves – er, staff – can do their jobs properly. Not to mention the fact that when she’s done up like that it really turns her into absolute top totty. Phwooooaar!”

This was a revealing remark by our leader, as it shows that even when dealing with the spawn of Satan, his brain is firmly in his y-fronts.

But if Priti Patel’s true appearance is not of this earth, it begged the question of why she picked this particular form for her disguise, given the racism and sexism of the current government.

“Well that’s exactly it,” Johnson answered. “By appearing to the world as a woman of colour, Priti can announce any policy she likes, no matter how vile it is, and if you dare to question it, you’re the racist sexist bigots because she’s a woman of colour. It’s a masterstroke! And speaking of which, all this talk about her is making me feel in need of, er, well, not to beat about the bush, a bit of wiff waff myself if you catch my drift…”

At this point the interview ended and he went inside, after which we could all distinctly hear the sound of something creaking.

So it’s not so much The Devil Wears Prada as The Devil Wears Global Beauty Products, with full prime ministerial endorsement. In more ways than one.

STILL STRONG AND STABLE AFTER ALL THESE YEARS : The Prime Minister Boris Johnson has time on his hands currently, what with the plague sorted, his home redecorated and an official opposition stuck in “Constructive” mode. This benefits the world.

“He didn’t have to waste time with that Biden/EU joint call either, for obvious reasons, so he was able to turn his impressive intellect to solving the Suez tanker crisis,” a 10 Downing Street source tells LCD Views.

“The problem with the crisis resolution so far appears to be that no one can believe that the British didn’t cause it. Which makes a nice change when it comes to drama in Suez, I can tell you.”

What the prime minister intends to suggest will come as no surprise however. And that’s not because of his track record as a problem solver.

“He doesn’t of course have problem solver on his long CV,” the source admits. “But that’s what makes him so strong in a crisis. Experience. It counts for a lot.”

And it seems while idiots run about suggesting such nonsense as widening the channel, giant magnets, salvage crews with the relevant experience and so on, they’re missing the obvious way to resolve the crisis.

“Just ignore it,” the source shrugs. “That’s Johnson’s advice. He’s created massive problems all through his career, and in his personal life, and just ignoring them has worked out massively in his favour so far.”

Just look now at the problems he’s caused with Brexit. Just ignore it. Problem solved.

“It’s just Boris being Boris.”

THE FUN NEVER STOPS : DOWNING STREET have hit back HARD at vicious rumours circulating within, and even without of the Westminster bubble, that the Prime Minister did a day’s work.

“We did not get to where we are as a country today with a working prime minister,” a 10 Downing Street source scoffed. “Mr Johnson is deeply wounded by this vicious attack clearly designed to undercut his reputation as a fun guy.”

Of course fungi is a key plank of Mr Johnson’s style of governance. Keep them in the dark and feed them on manure. Daily.

“Does it look like he’s working to you when he’s wearing a different costume daily? When he’s spouting off half remembered classical references at the most inappropriate times? When he’s basically making up any old nonsense to evade the fact he has no idea what is going on? No. It doesn’t. Does it. You need to cut out the undermining of his complete lack of effort. Just look at the pandemic. Just look at Brexit. Boris. Does. Not. Work. Period.”

But some critics have levelled their fingers at the prime minister himself over the scurrilous accusations, pointing out he doesn’t play golf.

“So? Trump avoided his responsibilities his own way. Boris has his style. He dresses up as a builder, a scientist, a butcher. Just imagine all the time involved in getting prepped before all this? The security, the vetting, the travelling. Did you give this one minute’s consideration? Hours and hours are wasted. Daily. But let me repeat it one more time for the slow kids at the back. Boris Johnson does not work.”

In more ways than one.

QUIET RIOT: The government is trying to ban peaceful protests. In order not to exclude violent protests, the orbit of peace now includes arson, fighting, and guerilla warfare. 

In the other direction, the definition will necessarily include talking to somebody, checking the time, and doing nothing in particular. The term “protest” will include the possibility that you might get a bit cross about something. The thin blue line will have carte blanche on seeing red. 

The ultimate arbiter, though, will not be the police, however mendacious they may be. The buck stops with the smirkin’ merkin herself, Priti Patel. 

Yes, our benevolent send-’em-Home Secretary will decide what constitutes a protest, and whether it is peaceful or not. 

“This is an outrage!” shouted seasoned protester Wendy Wewantit. Unable to speak without chanting slogans and waving a placard, Wendy is upset that she does not therefore qualify for disability benefits. “What do we want? Freedom to bring London to a standstill for the slightest reason!” 

Most people are unimpressed. “The new rules mean that Priti Patel can fling you in prison for 10 years if she doesn’t like the look of you,” grumbled Joe Public. “The terms and conditions are so widely drawn that going about your daily business could land you in deep trouble.” 

So even these mild mannered citizens are thinking of throwing caution to the winds. “What do we want? A riot!” yelled Wendy. “In for a penny, as they say. RI-OT! RI-OT!” 

Joe was in full agreement. “If Patel is going to arrest us for reading a newspaper in a public place, then let’s make it worth it, and have some fun,” he said. “Let’s riot, if she’s going to arrest us anyway. RI-OT! RI-OT!” 

You can see why including rioting under peaceful protests is necessary. 

Give peace a chance? Not in a hundredty twelvety thousandy years. 

LET THEM EAT FLAGS : The Tory MP for Cocktumbhle, Died (pronounced Deed) Hart, has demanded answers from the UK’s thriving food bank sector owing to a visible lack of patriotic fervour.

”I have conducted a survey of many of the thousands of food banks that have proudly been established since the glorious moment David ‘Boy Wonder’ Cameron and George ‘You Peasants Are Hilarious’ Osborne took office, with that dude who now works for Facepamphlet, and none, NONE of them are flying the fLaG!&@#”

The lack of pride in Britain amongst the swelling queues of hungry is seen by Died Hart as a key factor in why they are so hungry.

“Clearly if they just believed in Britain their spirits would be sated and their flesh would follow in good order. The Empire wasn’t built by starving people in England. It was built by sending them to take food and wealth from people who didn’t need it at gunpoint. Show a bit of PrIdE!@&£”

Thankfully the MP for Cocktumbhle has a solution.

“Today myself and all the other psychos who hilariously were elected by just enough of the comatose have written to the Prime Minister demanding an immediate respond to the food bank crisis.”

The solution will fill you with pride and patriotism and enough jingoistic pie to satisfy even the hungriest family, who was careless and didn’t land a PPE contract in the goldrush.

”We are demanding that food banks are forced by LAW to sell their surplus food stuffs and use the proceeds to purchase Union Flags to fly over their entrances. And further that all food parcels be packaged in Union Flag pattern paper. This will make for a happy and productive underclass, ready for the new Satanic Mills to be constructed at free ports and Charter cities soon.”

UNCONTROLLABLE : The unseen force in British politics, Dominic Cummings, is said to be temporarily unable to continue with his vital work of egregious waste of UK taxpayer money today after hearing about the £10K fine levied against a 61 year old NHS pay protest organiser.

Mr Cummings was said to be “in his bunker” trying on a range of new grey suits with matching white Persian cats when he heard the news. And his reaction was believed to be “instantaneous” and “like a megalomaniac man with a deadly virus speeding up a motorway with his child in the back of the car out of the terror of having to babysit.”

“It’s potentially very serious,” an insider told LCD Views from Dom’s subterranean lair. “He has to work out how to waste another £100bn on some fantasy white elephant by midday or he won’t hit his personal productivity target for the day.”

Further concerns have been expressed over the likelihood of an actual injury resulting from the laughter if it does not abate soon.

“He could break a rib, which would make getting dressed like a 20 year old boy band wannabe try hard difficult. There’s also some concern over damage to his eyesight if he can’t unscrew his mean little orbs soon. And we all know what lengths he is prepared to go to to check his vision. He’ll probably have to undertake a circumnavigation of the world if he doesn’t stop laughing like a drain soon.”

But concerns over Dom’s welfare are perhaps overblown, like the man himself. A recent check showed that his 30,000 word 2014 blog on public sector pay was edited five minutes ago to forecast just this situation. And revisionism that keen needs fine eyesight.

SPENDING A PENNY : The UK’s most glamorous Chancellor ever, Dishy Fishy Rishi Sunak has unleashed his latest budget on an unsuspecting country.

“We don’t actually have any money left,” a 10 Downing Street source told LCD Views, “well, we won’t by the end of the year. But that is no reason not to let Rishi play. He’s so youthful and exuberant you just can’t resist letting him frolic with his professional photographers.”

And while some Chancellors actually know something about economics, Rishi has the advantage of carrying on a legacy of outdated Thatcherite policies, the smarts only an inheritance millionaire has, and some rather special ideas about how to use the nations ports for tax avoidance now that we don’t export anymore. But there’s one bit of the budget that is just for the plebs.

“The decision to raise the contactless spending limit to £100 a go is really world beating,” the source notes. “It is future proofing the consumers of the United Kingdom against the hyper inflation that is coming down the line once the fiscally retarded pandemic mismanagement collides with the rolling impact of Brexit.”

The boosting of the limit will allow shoppers to spend their savings all at once in the supermarket. Or anyone who happened to nick their card. They can too.

“Best of all it readies everyone for 2022. You’ll be able to buy a loaf of bread on contactless and not push wheelbarrows of bank notes about,” the source is jubilant. “And once the cost of bread goes over one hundred quid we’ll just raise the limit again. It’s genius.”

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