Category: Governing the people

LCD Views’ arts correspondent is buzzing about the office this morning barely able to contain his excitement with the news that David Cameron is expected to announce his ‘Everyman’s Shed’ tour dates for 2018.

“I was actually hoping for a festive special,” Dee Ranged said. “Maybe David as Santa visiting some poor person’s hovel to count their bedrooms.

And if they’ve been really good and are sleeping six to a room he could give them advice on efficient personal finance management. But a spring extravaganza with him dressed as a rabbit would also be very cool.”

As to what David will talk about while visiting the towns and villages of the country is open to speculation.

“I expect he’ll do it fireside chat style,” Dee speculates. “Mention his struggles growing up. The desperate fear he wouldn’t get into the best schools. How hard he’s had it generally. Maybe also a little bit of score settling, just for the PR value.

Oh, and all the time he probably spent studying Blair to make it as Conservative party leader and allegedly completely set the country up for Brexit with a catalogue of interpretive dance cluenesses and inventive gutlessness in the face of what looks like a resurgent fascist genie in British political life.

Honest. Open. Like the man himself.”

It’s further speculated he’ll mention his struggles to get a personal makeover after leaving Downing Street and the personal drive to make Sam’s clothing range accessible in price point.”

Tickets are sure to sell faster than a Tory seeking a toilet in the midst of a scandal, so be ready to get yours for just the price of an average after dinner speech the moment they go on sale.

There are expected to be dramatic scenes at the foreign office this morning as gamekeepers, presumably from London Zoo, are rumoured to be called in to sedate pet bull elephant Boris and move him to an undisclosed Cumbrian safari park.

“We have to take action. It’s in the national interest,” head of things with tusks, Dr G. Whizz, told LCD Views natural history correspondent.

“It’s inconceivable to have a bull elephant like Boris, who is perpetually in musk, just roaming free crashing into the furnishings at the foreign office any longer.

There’s a lot of antiques, some of them are already in need of repair. And he breaks every single thing you give him to play with, especially if it was gifted to us by a foreign government. It’s ridiculous. It’s not a suitable environment for an animal of his nature.”

It’s believed Boris won’t be bought back out of sedation gently, but will be jammed in the backside with a massive dose of steroids to shock him onto his feet in the hope he’ll run into nearby woods, hit a tree, knock himself out and have a revelation.

“We really want him to undo the horrific bit of incompetence involving that woman on holiday in Iran. Falling that, we hope he’ll decide to get his balls chopped off and calm the fuck down for a while.

At least in the Cumbrian countryside, in the drizzle, behind electric fences, he’s far enough away from Downing Street so he can’t get any ideas about being re-homed inside no 10. And he has those all the time. Give him a bucket of paint and a brush and some butcher’s paper and he draws 10’s endlessly.”

It’s hoped Boris will decide also, while residing at the safari park, to have his balls chopped off  and chill out, a bit like a neutered cat. But no one is holding out much hope.

Presumably a metaphorical, political poacher will sooner or later see to that with a giant pair of grisly shears, maybe before the next appalling gaffe that directly impacts on the life of someone rotting in a tyrannical regime’s prison, maybe not though, after all, Boris is Boris…

LCD Views can reveal an exciting development in the world of tax avoidance this evening with the exhilarating news that the government is to spend £50BN on a tax toilet big enough to hide all the tax avoiders in at once.

The startling development comes after Conservative Lord Burninghouse was forced to take sanctuary in a W.C. to get away from traitorous so called reporters who wanted to ask him unjust questions about his tax arrangements.

We spoke to a representative from the newly formed government department, Ministry for Making Hay and Getting Away with It, or MFMHGAWI, to learn more.

“We can’t have upfront and patriotic Lords of the realm like Lord Burninghouse having to put up with more lords and mps and party donors jamming themselves in with him as the revelations of the paradise papers continue. It’s inhuman. It’s probably a breach of his human rights and we should probably take this all the way to the EU court of human rights. Wait. Is that treason?”

Work on the giant toilet is expected to start as soon as midnight with builders brought in from all over the continent of Europe to make sure the job is completed by dawn.

“Clearly such skilled labour won’t need visas in a time of special interests like this. Either now or in the future.”

The expense of the toilet is expected to be so hard on the public purse because tax avoidance is what is totally demolishing certain democracies in the West, no, wait, it needs to be the size of a football field and have rare ivory and virgin gold taps.

“It’s going to be a total win for the construction industry. Just imagine being one of the 1% allowed inside and never really paying a dime while the pathetic working class pay for the roads you drive on and the public utilities you enjoy?”

Just imagine it. Taking your trousers down and knowing you don’t think there’s a god damned thing the great unwashed can do to keep you out of your special tax toilet, then take a dump on them. Joy!

LCD Views’ arts correspondent was invited for a special viewing of the painting of the prime minister kept hidden in her loft since she first stood as a Conservative party candidate all those years ago.

“I was with a sense of giddy excitement that I mounted the shadowy stairs that lead up to Ms May’s loft,” Dr Art related.

“Many times over the years I’d heard whispers of the terrifying works of postmodern, neo classical, abstract, pre-raphaelite expressionism she purchases only to concern from the eyes of the world whenever a food bank is forced into tightened budgetary straights by austerity.

It is usual practise for such long established institutions to sell off some of the art on their walls and Ms May is said to be always there, ready to pounce on a collectible.”

But as Dr Art entered the loft, armed only with the moments of invented energy gathered since his creation seconds ago, he was met with a spectacle he had not expected.

“I knew the portrait that I was coming to see would look greyed and battered by her time as prime minister. I knew I would have to open the lid of a chest freezer and peer inside to see it.

I never expected her image in paint to look like Mr Osborne’s colorful and headline grabbing statement from a few weeks ago.”

Dr Art has labelled the picture ‘The Portrait of Dorian May’.

“As I stood transfixed the door closed behind me, the light went off and a voice began to cry ‘Help me. Help me. I don’t know what to do. You have to help me. It’s not only Brexit, George Osborne is coming for me.”

In a shock move to the booming tourist trade in central London Westminster has announced that an attraction only installed in July 2017 is to be removed from college green due to fears of immediate collapse.

The Leaning Tower of Teesa was designed and installed in a furious rush in the summer of 2016 in a symbolic move meant to reassure the public that even with fierceness, brave, astute leader Dave “bacon” Cameron having buggered off the political scene in a frenzied rush to get away from the fallout resulting from a little vote on something or other, we still had strong and stable government.

LCD Views spoke to one of the designers of the tower to hear more about conception, design, installation and now, what’s going wrong?

“We picked the wrong figurehead,” F. Arce advised, “although a few structural engineers did suggest at the time that the plans suggested the structure was top heavy, the internal design virtually absent, the material being used dodgy beyond belief and the spot chosen for the building spongy and prone to sinking steadily to the point of dangerous collapse. But we ignored all of them because they’re experts.”

Another contributing factor was apparently complete failure to convince anyone with the talent sufficient to work on the project to get involved.

“We’re going to have to pull it down and start again.” Arce added. “What to put in its place though? What a puzzle.”

It’s thought likely that question will be answered by the general public who may well advise restoring the reasonably healthy, sunlit lawn that was there before the tower started leaning dangerously and smothering all life around it in a roaming shadow, but it’s really up for grabs.

“We will have to consult on that. There’s lots of potential, in terms of who would like to re-lay the turf, but whether or not any of them survive the tsunami of shit that is presently crashing into the buildings near the green where they live will be key to the choice.”

Personally F. Arce would like to build an tower and put an eye of sauron up there, but there’s so many of them in major centres around the world presently, it’s felt that maybe too unoriginal.

What do you think?

News is breaking across Westminster this morning that a woman has been arrested sat upon dozens of barrels of inflammatory scandal underneath Westminster Palace.

The woman, described as middle aged, grey haired, gaunt and wearing a chain around her neck that you could flog a rhino to death with, was taken into custody early this morning after security guards checked the dark cavities beneath the home of global democracy.

LCD Views sent a drone flying down to the scene because all of our reporters are sleeping off their Saturday night and no one would answer even their personal phone.

Editorial staff have transcribed the words of mainstream media correspondents reporting live from the scene.

“Just before dawn this morning alarm bells and cries clamoured in the catacombs underneath Westminster Palace as security guards sweeping for homeless people to eject startled an easily terrified woman in the shadows.”

Rumours already circulating suggest she had been spotted some days ago rolling heavy barrels leaking with inflammatory sleaze down into the dark spaces, but it was decided to watch and apprehend her with even redder hands.

“We all had to paint our hands red at the start of each shift, last few days,” Watchman G. Clooney told Sky News.

“Apparently we weren’t allowed to catch her in any fashion other than red handed.”

It’s believed they caught her in time too.

The contents of the barrels are yet to be exposed, but samples of the leakage suggest sex, lies and corruption on a scale rarely witnessed in a supposedly healthy and accountable democracy.

“One thing is certain,” G. Clooney illuminated. “So many of them have been at it for so long, by the time the various scandals in these barrels are exposed it’s going to reveal a ferocious orgy in which the one thing that’s been f*cked the hardest is our democracy.”

(Anyone finding a battered drone with masking tape holding the camera lens on is asked to return it to LCD Views via electronic mail, first class. Thank you.)

Theresa May’s shock pick for the new Secretary of Defence, Gavin Williamson, has ruffled a few feathers already by advising he is leaving his pet tarantula, Cronus, behind in the chief whip’s office and placing the doomsday clock on his new desk instead.

“I’ve got the nukes to threaten people with now,” He shrugged, dogged by puffing reporters as he attempted to jog in circles on Westminster Green. “What the hell do I want with a spider?”

Indeed.

Our own reporter, Titan Searchlight, was doing his best to keep up with the pack and get LCD Views in on the action.

“Mister Williamson. Mister Williamson”

(Transcript filled with chainsmoker coughing.)

“Mister Williamson. Slow down! It’s LCD Views. We’re not like the rest of these hacks.”

(More coughing. Someone asking what they did to deserve this.)

“Mister Williamson. How soon do you expect to receive a knighthood?”

That grabbed his attention.

“About as soon as next Friday,” He shouted back. “When I tell our terrified Prime Minister that I either take her job now or she gives me a gong.”

“Do you think you’ll be able to manage arguably one of the most important government departments when you’ve not done shit before but threaten Tory MPs with the records of their inappropriate behaviour?” Titan managed to ask between gasps for air.

“Well, I couldn’t stay as chief whip with the shit that’s going to hit the fan over Brexit. Now that the sexual harassment dossier is leaking to the media drip by drip, what the hell am I going to threaten people with to keep them in line?”

“Good point. Thank you for the interview.”

“No problem. No piss off or I’ll order the RAF to use your rundown 1930’s semi in Penge for drone target practise. And that goes for the rest of you. Rabble.”

Reports coming in after the exercise session suggested that Mr Williamson was wasting no time getting down to business.

He has chosen the exact spot on his desk to place the doomsday clock and is said to be enquiring how close you can nudge the hands on the clock before the big bombs go off?

As to the feelings of Cronus on being left behind?

The tarantula is said to be sanguine, fully expecting to be offered the job of minister for the cabinet office any day soon.

The Royal Mint pleased large swathes of the spending public today with the reassurance the new £20 note will be made only from pectin and cocaine powder.

“It’s to save on the bitching,” G. Williamson, deputy head PR explained.

“You know what’s it’s like these days. You’ll always get the nostalgia heads being upset by any form of modernisation, but lately the country’s food choice lobbyists and recreational to extreme drug users have also being complaining.”

It’s believed the pressure from certain high profile cocaine users to ensure new banknotes are easy on the nose has been immense.

“Also the vegetarians. They get exceptionally cranky over the slightest bit of animal in any banknote they intend on ingesting.”

It’s hoped the changed recipe will mean that the new twenty, when it comes into circulation later this month, will blend seamlessly into salads and Friday nights.

“I’d be careful how many of them you add to a lentil stew. We don’t want people overdosing.”

But cocaine use advocacy group, The Campaign for Better Nose Garbage, was upset.

“As we understand it the new twenty pound notes will still not feature any of the famous South American drug tzars of the late twentieth century. It’s high time Escobar was featured on a British banknote to recognise his enduring impact on the UK’s social life and international trade in general.”

Inquiries over who the mint intends to place on the banknote have also raised eyebrows.

“Elizabeth 1st. That way people can have their traditional role models and we can do our bit to further equality in representation.”

LCD Views suspects they may have missed the mark with their choice, as detect more than a sniff of controversy to follow.

The office of the prime minister has announced this evening that former defence secretary Michael Fallon is to be exported to Saudi Arabia with the next British shipment of high explosives.

“We are advising them to drop him on Yemen,” a source purporting to work in the ministry of defence told LCD Views.

“He’s done so much work for the region at large already, we really believe his totally sincere explosion of contrition over his past behaviour will go very far to pour oil on troubled waters.”

It’s not clear yet what response the Saudi government has given at the news of the gift.

“He was elected, warts and all, so they may not take too kindly to that. But on the other hand, his past behaviour probably places him right top of any list for promotion as advocate to a women’s rights group put together by the UN to make the Saudis look good. So they could use him that way.”

It’s thought Mr Fallon himself is a little surprised by the distance the prime minister wants to send him.

“Admittedly Michael Gove was reinstated in about twenty four hours, but then he has a friend in a high place, which may explain how quickly he was brought back from ostracism.”

It’s also felt that if the exportation of Mr Fallon is successful then it will pave the way for potentially dozens of other government ministers who may shortly be needing to remove themselves from the spotlight.

Labour are said to be watching closely in case dangerous and unsecured ordinance of their own needs getting rid of.

“We just hope this doesn’t lead eventually to the downfall of the government before we’ve had time to get our hands on those Henry VIII powers.

But with a weapon like Fallon, once he’s pulled the pin on himself, you’ve no real option but to pick him up and throw!”

The Home Office issued an executive order this morning commanding the Church of England to resume trial by ordeal for all criminal and civil cases in the United Kingdom.

LCD Views was quick to confront Amber Rudd on the matter and demand to know why centuries of separation of church and state powers had been demolished with an edict.

“It was Jacob’s [Rees-mogg] idea,” the Home Secretary replied, “and David [Lidontin – Lord Chancellor] backed him up, What was I supposed to do? Start a civil war within the party? We’ve enough of those going on as it is.”

The order is effective immediately and further surprise has been caused by the Church of England’s ready acceptance of the proposal.

“We’re back in business!” a representative told LCD. “Things were looking a little dicey there, but hauling sinners over the coals and demanding confession and sitting in judgement, well, it’s a little bit papist, a bit old school, but someone has to do it now all the lawyers and judges are working on Brexit. And what can you expect from Jacob? He is probably right cheesed we’ve got the job.”

And early indications are the people appearing before the vicar to settle a dispute will in reality be hauled over coals.

We next spoke to Brian McBrain, a shopfitter from Chelmsford, who was in court, or church, this morning to face a drunk driving charge.

“The padre said I had a choice of walking over the coals or being dragged,” he confessed, “and the extent of my burns would determine how many points I got given and if I’d face a driving ban or not? I said, I did it, can’t you just punish me and forget the fire?”

McBrain was apparently told the warden hadn’t spent all morning setting up the braziers for nothing and to make his choice.

“So I legged it while I could!” Brian admitted. “I’m not getting dragged over no burning coals just for driving my lorry into a closed Lidl after a few jars.”

This was a poor choice on McBrain’s part. A warrant for his arrest has now been issued by the vicar of his local parish and the organising committee for the Christmas nativity charged with his apprehension.

“Now I’ve absconded I’ve to face the Archbishop of Canterbury. He’ll probably talk me to death. That would be an ordeal! You couldn’t give me a lift to the train station, could you? I can’t hang about.”

We said yes and drove him straight to the Lambeth Palace and into the custody of a rather troubled looking Justin Welby.

Justice will be done, in this world, or the next.