Category: Governing the people

“To get Britain fit for the future we will need slogans and scapegoats unequalled in modern times…”

So begins the chancellor’s budget 2017 speech to the now very common house later today, as revealed only in LCD Views, thanks to our mole in the treasury.

LCD will not be providing line by line scrutiny of the budget, as most of it is likely to be terrified bollocks from a man judged as one of the only sane ones in the current conservative cabinet, and thus expected to be politically butchered by the Brexit fanatics any minute of any day. Although he’ll take one or two with him we fancy…

We will though give you some of the tasty lines of his new fictional pamphlet, because it’s not every day a reclusive writer like ‘the undertaker’ publishes. So let’s see out of curiosity!

“Brexit means Wrecxit. A red, white and silly Brexit. Coalition of chaos. And now, a Britain so fit for the future you can’t see it sideways in a shower, are all vital parts of attempting to convince ourselves that economic suicide, of the type we have doggedly embarked upon, is the best choice for Britain.”

But slogans can only carry a country bent to the will of disaster capitalists by useful MPs, from across the political divide, so far.

“In order to prepare for the changes of paying the European Union billions to re-home large chunks of our highest performing sectors Britain requires a scapegoat as large as the divide between north and south in our great country.

Also, and let’s be clear on this, as deep as the deepest coal pit closed the last time a Conservative government went ideologically apesh*t crazy with the country.

In order to provide this goat to scape your government will be borrowing billions from payday loan providers to fund research and development into this crucial capacity for today and tomorrow.”

And we commend this budget to the house. For about five minutes. Until the tax u turns begin.

“It’s the tonic we’ve been thirsting for,” commented a resident of Strabane, which is situated on the Northern Ireland side of the border and linked to Lifford, in the republic, by Lifford Bridge.

“All this time, since the advisory referendum on EU membership, we’ve had the distinct, and unsettling impression, that the people in government hadn’t really thought the issue through and were just making things up as they go along. To hear there is an actual plan is very reassuring.”

And an actual plan there is. No one needs to worry.

LCD Views can reveal tonight that we have seen a copy of the fag packet that David Davis and Boris Johnson have jointly worked out the solution to the border problem on.

If the UK decides, in its collective wisdom, to withdraw from the customs union with the EU, then we will handle the Irish border problem by,

“Pretending it isn’t happening so it goes away.”

We showed our copy of the imaginative and flexible plan to the anxious resident.

“That’s fantastic. I need to move goods back and forth across the bridge each day, across the border, so it was a real worry for me until now. Not to mention the little issue of a more distant concern of a return to the troubles if a “hard” border was re-established.”

One less worried citizen in Brexit Kingdom.

“Well, I’ll just stop filling my silly head with worries and get on with my day.”

You do that sir. Be of good heart.

Everything is in hand. If you believe it then it is true. Also if you ignore it.

“It’s only because all the BBC does is bang on about the hypothetical divorce bill, just like the kippers and the Brexiters in government, as if that’s all the EU mentions.

When the EU is constantly talking about the border and the Good Friday Agreement, which gives the mistaken impression they care more about us than Westminster.

But that must be wrong because Theresa gave some of us £1.5bn so she could keep looking after us, in her wisdom.

It wrongly gave me the impression that they were either too arrogant to care or too stupid and didn’t know what to do.”

Now who would ever think that of a House of Parliament merrily voting through far reaching decisions without a plan of what to do after?

LCD Views can proudly report great news for all British patriots and right thought citizens this morning with the announcement that the UK is to withdraw the British agency of common sense from continental Europe.

The BACS was established at the end of WW2 and agencies rapidly opened in major centres across Europe.

“It’s only right and proper that Britain responds to the betrayal by the EU encapsulated in the Withdrawal of EU agencies from British soil by withdrawing access to a vital British resource from the unelected plutocrats on Mars, I mean, in Europe,” a self appointed country redesigner who keeps most of his money in a tax haven commented phlegmatically.

The closure of the BACS agencies has already begun, indeed, has quietly been ongoing since the result of the Freedom and Independence Victory for the Chosen People of God referendum, held on June 23rd 2016.

“It’s a measure of the undimmed foresight of the British people that we began shooting ourselves in the foot long before any European took aim at our pinky,” Jacob Rees-mogg emerged from his ‘fathering recharging chamber’ to comment, to the exaltation of acolytes of the Brexit cult. He then went back inside and continued to imbibe vital essences.

Asked for a response to the devastating loss of British agencies of common sense, a representative of the tyranny across the waters shrugged and replied,

“I have been going into the agency outlets for months hoping to find some fresh common sense brochures on the display shelves, but always I find them either empty or plastered with xenophobic mind shit from your governing party’s coup leaders. These office spaces can be used to better effect. To lose what was already lost is not a fresh loss.”

Lies! They’ll miss our famous pragmatism and common sense as a nation now it’s gone!

“So will I…” murmured a small and largely unrepresented voice comprising 48% of the population, but we can ignore that voice because we’re a democracy!

Onward citizens! Take back control of all the office space! Victory awaits the bold Englishman who profits from uncertainty!

*The office of the prime minister would like us to add, they see no reason to open any BACS outlets in England to compensate for the closures.

The government has moved to quell concerns that the democratic “will of the people” maybe overturned by undemocratic actions, such as a different preference being expressed by a majority of better informed people, by moving to enshrine in law the result of the EU referendum 2016.

“You know when you make up your mind about something then you’ve made up your mind about it forever,” a spokes-idiot for Downing Street informed a press corp, that may have contained some traitorous subversives.

“The people have decided so the people have decided.”

When asked if that was how a democratic system operated, the answer was quick to come and well thought through.

“The people have decided so the people have decided.”

Reassurance was given in the promise to still hold elections as expected, or even as not expected, but registered voters will be given a copy of the ballot paper they used on the 23rd June 2016.

“Don’t worry about mix ups. Everyone has now come behind Theresa May’s government and Brexit, so everyone will receive the same, pre-marked ballot paper to put in a ballot box.

“We’ll also be pre-stuffing the ballot box with spares in case people can’t make it to their polling station on the day. Say, people who haven’t registered as a member of a pre-approved political party. That party is the party of government. That’s the party you vote for. That’s democracy now.”

Further questions were raised by treasonous people who should be silenced, such as,

“How can you even hope to get a law change like this through parliament?”

This was answered by laughter and a question in return,

“When has the opposition party failed to support Brexit?”

Followed up with a statement,

“We are really looking forward to having those Henry VIII powers.”

The people have decided so the people have decided was then played on a loop tape and will continue to play until everyone understands that they have already decided what the people have decided.

LCD Views is pleased to support the government message and to remind you, that you have decided. Even if you haven’t, you have now.

We are all now united in Brexit. It’s what the people have decided, which is how autocrats explain to you what you have decided.

LCD Views’ Democratic Health correspondent has received reassuring news this morning that the famed ‘Willy of the people’ is to seek treatment for electile dysfunction.

“Willy has been brought out and exposed to public scrutiny so many times over the last two plus years, the strain is starting to tell. Not to mention sheer age, given he’s from the older voting demographic by and large.”

Symptoms first started to become evident the moment he was first exposed to public scrutiny in 2016.

“You could see he was flaccid at times and uncertain if he was up to the job. The next day he would be stout as English oak and almost impossible to keep down.”

The public figures who have aligned themselves with Willy have issued stiff and multiple denials that anything is wrong with this most public organ. Although it’s worth noting they aren’t holding Willy as hard as they used to.

But they still claim to have a firm grip on his innermost desires; that he fills them with rigour and a upright sense of direction, even though he’s barely at half mast.

“Willy never changes in his mind or ours,” our correspondent advised, quoting from a sheet said to contain eyebrow raising government talking points, “once he has raised his flag he is off like a rocket and fast as a steam train through a tunnel no matter how the winds of fate blow, hard, or soft.”

But keen observers have noted that whatever the people claiming to know the mind of Willy may spout, he’s been up and down and turned around so many times since June 2016 that it would be a shock if he wasn’t suffering electile dysfunction.

“The treatment is actually pretty straightforward,” our correspondent advises, “Willy needs some straightforward facts, no beating around the bush, just plain old talk about the body politic and what it desires and he’ll be stiff as a flagpole again in no time. Some sort of willy joke should do it. I mean, people’s vote!”

A fresh election wouldn’t hurt him any either.

Fears are growing in the temple of the high priests at Westminster that their ruler may have misread the Mayan calendar when seeking the date the world as we know it now ends.

“We really looked at it really hard,” temple novice Mordaunt advised LCD Views’ Make-it-up correspondent.

“We didn’t just pick 11pm 29/03/19 out of a hat you know. We cross referenced it with the calendar used by the empire across the water to make sure they knew that we meant business.”

It’s believed the preferred date was actually the 1st April 2019, but there were concerns that this day might lead to speculation the temple wasn’t serious because it would clash with an annual festival called April Fools Day.

“We’re going to have to do both the long and the short count all over again. It maybe wise to wait for further auspicious signs before deciding on the precise moment we destroy the old order and begin a powerful new magic kingdom. You know, comets in the sky, volcanoes under car manufacturing, tidal waves sweeping away trade at Dover, that sort of thing.”

But critics of the indecision have also weighed into the discussion by demanding they just end it all now and see what the empire across the water thinks of it.

“The best way to ensure we take all our treasure into the next world is to not give anyone any warning that we’re going at all, so they can’t escape.”

While there is clearly indecision in the temple corridors and the Mayan calendar will need to be consulted again, one thing seems certain, and that is a single day to celebrate fools each year may soon be 364 days too few.

A government minister has appeared on state TV during the night to deny rumours of a coup.

“There is ah, well, absolutely, totally unfounded, any suggestion that I and my good colleague Boris are attempting a coup is completely unfounded,” the minister stated, although eyebrows were raised by his military fatigues.

In spite of the statement many seem to think it’s more likely he is on manoeuvres in alliance with Boris Johnson.

“It’s likely they’ve stitched up some stupid pact again,” LCD Views chief political correspondent, K. Luensberg mused.

“Boris is naive. He seems to think because Gove came off the worse for it last time they played the devil to each other’s Faust, that he’ll not try it again. Whereas Gove hasn’t had a human feeling since he was excessively potty shamed as an eight year old and is very ready to plunge the knife into Boris’ back all over again, using the scars of last time as guides.”

He’ll just try and push a little harder and a bit more frenzied this time.

“The plan is most likely to be to make Boris prime minister and Gove chancellor of the exchequer, only Gove will try and trip Boris up as he skips up the step into Downing Street with some muck Williamson gave him out of his black book when he was whip. Then Gove becomes PM and Williamson moves out of the defence ministry into Chancellor. Once there he can savagely beat Gove about the head politically and become prime minister. Everyone is planning short term in the country’s best interests.”

It’s not sure how the country will react to the government minister’s appearance.

“Most people will probably try and keep their heads down and wait it out. I doubt anyone will believe a word, after all, it is Michael Gove. An actual talking toerag would have more credibility.”

Philip Hammond was rumoured to be preparing to depart the office of chancellor today after waking in the night, it is said, to find Michael Gove sitting on the edge of his bed.

“He’s terrified,” a caller claiming to be Gladstone, the exchequer cat, told LCD Views.

“Hammond is generally kept under lock and key to avoid fights anyway, so to wake and find something that appears monstrously reptilian in the dark on his bed has him spooked beyond words.”

It’s already believed that the atmosphere at 11 Downing Street varies between morose to horror at the best of times.

This is a result of Hammond owning a calculator and continually forecasting the country’s financiers with Brexit in the future.

“Boris drops by each morning too,” Gladstone continued. “He appears to have some sort of skeleton key. Hammond orders the lock changed on the door daily, but each morning when he sits down to breakfast on half a grapefruit and a glass of goat’s milk, there’s Boris at his table having a fry up.”

It’s not certain what Boris says, but Gladstone believes he rambles on merrily about becoming prime minister any day now and replacing Hammond with Gove as chancellor as payment for his part in the plot.

“He normally finishes up his sausages and eggs before grabbing Hammond’s calculator and writing boob on it with the eight and zero.”

Hammond knows his days are numbered, according to Gladstone.

“Each time May picks up the phone to scream at him to find more money he tells her there isn’t any left. This isn’t going down well. He’s supposed to be a post-factual chancellor, because that’s the guiding agenda for the entirety of government.”

Gladstone adds that he is uncertain about his own future at 11 Downing Street too.

“My main task is to radiate excessive self confidence not founded in anything resembling reality, before cleaning my bum. Once Gove moves in, I’ll be out of a job too.”

The Prime Minister is rumoured to be behind a front page portrait festival on the cover of the Torygraph today to warn mutineer Tory MPs to stop meddling in her autocracy.

It’s believed fifteen rebel MPs have already told the whip they will not vote for complete and absolute lunacy, couple with autocratic powers for the government, when it comes time to put their hands up over the EU Withdrawal Bill.

“Clearly some of us will vote for something a little fruity and crazy. Just not full blown madness,” one rebel told LCD anonymously.

This vicious rebuke is said to have the PM and the coup leaders keeping her captive livid.

It’s not all bad news for the government though. Various Labour MPs named mostly after agricultural matters, such as Field and Hoe-y, are prepared to make up for the alarming shortfall in reckless ignorance of fact, should it be needed when the time comes.

“We don’t know what old Corbyn will do when it comes to it either,” an avid Westminster watching said, “he’s throwing down a few red lines in the past and then just voted with May anyway.”

But just maybe now, with enough red lights flashing warning that the country is flying headfirst into the fan, Labour will finally go Gandalf on Brexit.

“That would bring down the government,” the watcher noted, “presumably that’s what Labour and even the sane Tories want?”

Presumably.

In the meantime we will be framing the front page and putting it on the wall in the kitchenette of our headquarters, just to know, that somewhere in government, a lucid sense of what is democratic still survives.

Jeremy Hunt maybe forced to deny rumours that the murky figures hold a “kompromat” tape of him giving blood.

The tape, believed to be recorded nearly ten years ago, is said to be a little out of focus, but it is claimed Mr Hunt is potentially identifiable sat in a chair donating.

“He’ll be out of a job if it’s true,” an aide inside the PM’s office hypothesised.

“It’s a clear breach of party membership rules. Well, she’ll beg him to resign. What he does is up to him ultimately, of course, May governs by consent. She’s very modern in that way.”

If proven it will also be a glaring dereliction of duty, however retrospect, for a true blooded Tory health minister charged with piecemeal sale of the NHS.

It’s not clear what the holders of the tape could be demanding in order to keep it in its box and off the internet, but it’s almost certainly linked to privatisation of the NHS.

“It’s a murky web,” LCD’s security correspondent Heather Mills commented.

“I suggest follow the money. You link a private contractor in the NHS to a firm in which Trump has an interest and that will take you back to the source. It’ll be all about money at the end of the day. It always is.”

In the interim NHS blood bank staff are warned to be on the watch for anyone lingering near to a fridge, as it’s thought however long ago the mishap was, the health secretary won’t rest until he gets every last drop of the accidental donation back. If it happened of course…