Category: Governing the people

Theresa May, the ambitious member for Maidenhead, has gained her reward for her unwavering determination and loyalty. A stronger or more stable figure could hardly be imagined. Her promotion will strengthen one of the strongest cabinets of modern times.

The Prime Minister of Brexitland, Rupert Murdoch, has needed to recruit new blood since the unfortunate departure of several stalwart figures. Michael Fallon felt the knee – sorry, felt the need – to leave his role after sharing Trump jokes with Julia Fart-Brewer. Priti Patel had to go after she was discovered talking to foreigners, which is to be outlawed under Brexit regulations. And poor Damian Green took matters into his own hands.

Some of the many aces in Murdoch’s pack have remained unshuffled. Boris Johnson remains Minister of Balderdash, and Jeremy C. Hunt is to continue as Health Secretary. Sources suggest that Hunt was in line for a major promotion, but he begged to be allowed to continue his excellent work with the NHS. Hunt has graciously accepted extra responsibilities after proving to be such a safe pair of hands.

There are a few new entries, populist pickers. For example, Brandon Lewis becomes Minister for Interchangeable Names. James Cleverly’s name speaks for itself. Indeed, he tweeted “I’m not just Cleverly, I’m a stable geniusly!”

And so to May. She has shown enormous flexibility in reconciling her pro-European instincts to the hard Brexit demanded by the Great British Public. She was considered for a position in the Department for Transport, but as she herself noted, “I don’t even know how to make a U-turn in government!”

Her wit, vigour and melodious voice will be valuable assets as she joins the Department for Exiting the European Union. David Davis tweeted “Delighted to have such a skilled negotiator on the team! Welcome Theresa!”, although reportedly he struggled to spell ‘negotiator’ and ‘Theresa’ without assistance.

There are now 13 Conservative vice chairmen. That’s a lot of vice to oversee.

The Prime Minister is expected to reassure an increasingly cash strapped country today with the creation of the minister for the magic money tree as part of her major, groundbreaking, earth shattering cabinet reshuffle.

This will be a reshuffle so impressive, for protecting and promoting serial incompetents in the most senior government positions, that it will underscore the degree of authority exercised by Ms May over her cabinet.

“This is not rearranging the deckchairs on the cabinet of the Titanic.” S. Atan MP, Purgatory-on-Woe, minister for comfortable pillows, told LCD,

“This is planting the magic money tree firmly in the deck of the great ship of state where it will provide shade for our wealthiest donors. While simultaneously, and this is important, forcing its roots right down through the lower decks and out the hull, probably drowning everyone else down there. But not to worry.”

Who will be given the plum new job is not yet clear, but Arlene Foster is said to be in the running.

“She has the experience. She knows how to hand a prime minister a set of secateurs and a pruning saw and get them cutting. But perhaps someone with a fleeting association with Carillion may also be right for the eye catching position.”

Critics of the new post have already attacked the decision.

Taking to social media, on Twitter, our own financial whiz, Professor Money Boffin, had this to say,

“She is already creating a Minister for No Deal Brexit. Apart from robbing satirists of a headline, again!, the two roles are really one and the same thing, given it’s estimated a no deal Brexit would cost the UK £400 BILLION.”

But at least, with the creation of two new ministers, the priorities of the government are clear, blow all our cash and not have to pay for it.

And you can be sure, whoever is promoted today, has spent all weekend deleting old tweets!

Oh, and she’s been searching hard to find a right wanker to promote to the position of deputy prime minister, as that’s the major qualification.

Now let’s all get behind the government and make a success of Brexit, just like the official opposition (who is the leader again?) is currently doing.

The newly created Office for Students is off to a flier today with an order that all universities now have to teach students a unit on ‘Brexit Eugenics’.

“It’s a wonderful opportunity to defend the current generation from the dangers of socialism,” Professor Youngster commented,

“the moment my dad made them offer me the job of this red tape growing, mind altering position, I knew I was going to make a difference.”

The unit will be taught immediately, to ensure students really get value for money.

“It’s an exciting class. You’ll learn about silver spoons and where to place them before you’re born. Also, how to burn twenties in front of people that are too lazy to have a home.”

Correct use of Twitter will also be taught.

“You know, making sure you comment on anyone’s breasts whenever you see them. The knack of spotting a good, ripe pair of norks and objectifying, judging a woman on them, is the only way to push back the rotten tide of political correctness they endangers Brexit.”

Further lessons will be given on how to blow up wheelchair access.

“Exactly how much Semtex does it take to destroy an access ramp at a university? It’s very important to know this. Stephen Hawking is a fluke. We can only prevent a repetition if we stop these troglodytes getting further education.”

Professor Youngster is expected to launch the first tutorial on Brexit Eugenics later this week by taking a pick axe to a disabled parking sign.

“The key lesson of Brexit Eugenics is about encouraging survival of the richest.

Once everyone accepts that they are inferior if they weren’t born into an inherited title and wealth, we’ll be prepared properly for a future in which the country votes yes in the death penalty referendum we will hold after March 2019.

The government starts 2018 on the front foot today with the announcement that famous humanitarian, educator and self made man, Toby Young, is to take a break from spouting bollocks on Newsnight just long enough to cut the ribbon at the opening of the UK’s first Trump University campus.

This will be his first official action as a member of the newly created Office for Students, set up by the red tape hating Tories to enforce mind control over universities.

“It’s a first for Trump University too,” said Jo Johnson, the minister responsible for this obvious mess,

“Trump University has previously only had a physical presence in law courts across the pond. Toby’s involvement will give the fee paying public confidence.”

Mr Young is one of the more eye catching appointees to the Office for Students.

“Toby narrowly beat his soul brother Satan to the last slot,” added Jo, “after the four horsemen of the apocalypse took the other seats.”

We phoned Toby on his skull phone to see what he had to say,

“I am not a dalek,” Toby commented,

“The Office for Students will oversee the transformation of universities into mere channels for taxpayers money into tax havens, under the pretence of ‘value for money’, that old wag.

It will all be done in the manner of the successful privatisation of everything else neoliberal greed driven sociopaths that I worship get their hands on.

That’s the whole point of it. But we’ll employ a lot of catchphrases to pretend otherwise.”

So that’s encouraging.

“We’ll be doubling down on the success of the branding tie up with Trump universities too,” Mr Young added, “by using his brand appeal to encourage other great private enterprise successes to get involved in British higher education.

We want to see market forces really getting students value for money, but not an education.

A shit load of debt though.

Then back to your estate. It’s hilarious. How do we keep getting away with it?”

Southern Rail has been the first to express interest following today’s announcement.

“If Jo and Tobes are kind enough to let us run all universities in the southeast we promise, hand on heart, we’ll make all students run on time to tutorials and lectures.

Except for the frequently cancelled and delayed ones, of course.

And when it goes wrong we’ll happily accept public money to bail us out because that’s how the free market the Conservatives love works. All profit. No real risk. Thanks taxpayers!”

This is fantastic.

The university students of the future will be prepared for future employment by hearing each day of their higher education,

“Southern Rail are sorry to announce, the 9:30 lecture on modern European history and Neoliberal economics has been cancelled due to an excess of skyrocketing fees causing all potential students to stay at home…”

The government has backtracked on not really giving a shit about the fate of homeless, undeserving poor children who don’t work hard enough this Christmas by sending them all a postcard of Hinkley Point C to “warm the little cockles of their hearts”.

“It’s outstanding,” a Home Office spokesbot sent a telegram to LCD to share in the warmth, “just imagine the joy on their frozen little faces when they receive an official postcard from her majesty’s government and realise we’ve invested enough money to solve their homeless issue in an untried nuclear reactor built with borrowed Chinese cash to try and stay in China’s good books when it comes time for every country on Earth to stuff us about on our tariff charter at the WTO. And, this reactor will most likely be mothballed by renewables before it’s completed.”

And given that every project of this nature blows out in time and money, the homeless kiddies of Christmases to come can also look forward to,

“More postcards of Hinkley Point C. Maybe even new customs posts with faulty, rushed IT set ups too.”

There is certainly scope to expand the scheme, nicknamed Homelessness means Homelessness,  into many areas of governance.

“The CPS has been hobbled by ideological austerity too,” the spokesbot added, “although you may have missed that as Brexit takes up all the news. There is not really one area of life which the government hasn’t stuffed to a serious degree. We could give the kids whole books of collectable stickers.”

If the poor children save the postcards and stickers carefully they may be able to sell them for profit in years to come.

“It could be the start of a nest egg that provides a deposit for one of the affordable homes which will be built inside the reactor core to meet requirements for cheap housing.”

Children are reminded that the postcards are not edible and maybe radioactive.

This is not to dissuade them from eating them.

“We don’t mind if they glow in the dark.” The government staffer said, “it makes it easier for the bleeding heart snowflakes to find them and do our job of caring for them for us.”

A woman previously noted for being a wellspring of compassion is facing tough questions today after being caught flogging a dying horse.

The horse in question appears to change its coat depending on which perspective you look at it, but it’s definitely, currently, on its last legs.

“Shortly after midday today a middle aged lady who is regarded publicly as a bleeding heart, especially for people in need whatever their background, was caught on camera flogging a dying horse,” a spokesman for the RSPPCA told LCD.

It appears the horse in question has had numerous owners throughout its long life.

“Parliamentary democracy is a name an earlier owner called the horse. It’s also being called Truth, Fact, Evidence based assertions, Accountability and Select committees, just to list a few names.”

Strong and Stable was another handle given to the ailing steed, but this was exceptionally short lived.

“She has form in this regard too,” the spokesman continued, “She is rumoured to have completely and totally flogged to death another widely known horse called Labour’s record in government. This horse was so old by the time it felt the whip, that it expired upon feeling the whip.”

Although it should be noted, for the purposes of balance worthy of the Beeb, that political opponents of the woman in question are known to deviate now and then from their central task of finding out if the woman is up to anything untoward, to lash out at What Nick Clegg did, even though, what Tony Blair did a few years earlier makes eternal damnation of the former’s political party hypocritical.

“We trust this woman will be stopped before she can inflict greater harm on Parliamentary democracy. While not the only specimen on the planet, it’s the only example of it in the United Kingdom and it will be preferable to stop her beating it before it dies.”

If she’s stopped it’s likely a fresh horse called The Tories record in government will start to feel the whip, and it will take some beating.

Star Wars stage adaptation “The Idiot Menace” has been slammed by theatregoers and critics alike for being too long and full of actors who have clearly not learned their lines.

“I doubt they even know the plot,” LCD’s only intern, S Fork, commented, “it’s an invitation to watch a bunch of overpaid soon to be has-beens shuffle about the stage praying for the curtain to fall and put them out of their misery. And there’s no intermission!”

Criticism has also been levelled at the government’s lavishing of state funding on the staged drama.

“You know the sub is now up to £350M a week! Apparently it’s supposed to be reviving live theatre in the country, by giving control back to amateur theatrics, but I can’t see how. Any group applying to share the funding is told it’s already all allocated and not to waste time applying that could be better spent queuing for a GP.”

It’s not a situation likely to improve anytime soon. Rumoured firing of the cast and replacement with a whole swathe of alternative actors mid-season is constant, but thought unlikely.

“This play is a poisoned chalice to anyone silly enough to dorectvit. I could think of how to spend the money better. Rumour had it the choice was between sending Liam Fox on a trade mission to Oumuamua or this play.”

There is support from the Daily Mail, the Sun and the ever considered Telegraph.
“Apparently if you don’t go and see ‘The Idiot Menace’ you’ve joined a paramilitary outfit committed to ending theatre as we know it. At least, according to the Telegraph.”

It would perhaps have been preferable to spend the spare cash on launching Doctor Fox into space chasing after a flying cigar. At least something would arguably have been gained.

Tickets are still available for this afternoon’s matinee, but it’s likely to reveal the all star cast have still not studied the script. If you go, take some rotten fruit to throw!

The government of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland was breathing a heartfelt sigh of relief today after pressure eased to publish their impact assessment on dishonesty and incompetence in public office.

“There’s really no need to publish,” a red faced spokesman for Downing Street advised LCD, “it’s plain as day for everyone to see what the impact is, just look at the pound or universal credit.”

The significant saving in stationery costs added to the relief, as it frees up more paper in austere times for David Davis to practice his resignation letter excuses on.

“Also the prime minister. Boris Johnson. Damien Green. Liam Fox and others. It’s really good. People have taken to raiding the paper trays of the office printers, but now we can redistribute the paper we had set aside and let them get on with sentences that begin with, ‘it is with deep regret and a lovely pension that I…’”

And they will need to get drafting as the impact of their combined dishonesty and incompetence is currently enraging significant portions of the electorate and having a negative impact on people’s lives. And it’s not just issues relating to Brexit, pretty much every sector of life has been shafted by endemic incompetence which only serves tax havens. Have a look at the forensic service, just for something different.

“It’s not all bad though,” the spokesman reassured, “imagine if you always dreamed of working for a company on continental Europe, but you’ve been holding off out of fear of what your mum would say?

Now, if you’re one of the lucky millions in the next couple of years, when they tell you your job is moving to France or Germany or wherever, you might be able to go with, because Mum, it’s my job.

And then, once you’ve been resident in an EU member state for a few years you maybe able to apply for permanent residency and then citizenship and escape Brexitannia’s daily singing of the new national anthem to keep head of state Rupert happy.”

The prime minister has moved this evening to shore up the position of her embattled Brexit secretary by clarifying that once they have successfully done Brexit the UK economy will cease to exist, so there is no need for impact assessments.

“Look, everyone knows David Davis is composed of equal parts piss and wind,” a surprisingly frank spokesman for Downing Street advised, “but that’s why he was chosen to be Brexit Secretary.”

They went on to illuminate that we’ll all be so busy trying to untangle the ever changing bluffs and excuses of Mr Davis that we won’t realise the clock has run out until the whole country falls off the famous cliff.

“Once we have successfully begun freefalling down to the glorious rocks of imperial nostalgia, in which Britain just bosses the world for their treasures, the economy will be finished. Thus, anytime spent on impact assessments would have been wasted.”

This makes Davis a visionary and an energy conservationist.

“We will easily be able to do any impact assessment after the impact and it will be a lot more accurate.”

As to whether or not the government has rigged select committees by loading them with useful idiots who will decide Davis is not in contempt of parliament because he couldn’t have delivered the assessments because he never ordered them made, is up to individual voters to decide.

“They should order an impact assessment on their chances of being re-elected after holding the entire country and its future in contempt,” LCD’s Democracy in Action correspondent suggested, before wondering how David Cameron is getting on these days in his fancy shed?

The woman who thinks she is the British prime minister was reminded she is not earlier today by a phone call from her boss in Northern Ireland.

The woman in question was due to announce a breakthrough in the stalled Brexit negotiations with the EU when she was stopped in her tracks by her mobile ringing.

The ringtone is reportedly ‘Ode to Joy’, chosen in a moment of ironic good humour on the weekend when she thought they’d finally scribbled down a way to keep everyone happy on the back of an envelope someone found rolled up and shoved into an empty fag packet.

“Arlene didn’t like what her junior intended to offer on the grounds it is ideologically impure,” an intern working at Downing Street told LCD, “so I think she got on the blower and told May no way, unless you can shake down the money tree for £2Bn Euros. It’s also possible that she is concerned, from her political standpoint, that an exception for Northern Ireland that puts the customs border in the Irish Sea does make a unified Ireland more likely.

But Arlene will probably be surprised to discover that Brexit itself is going to do that regardless because it’s a wrecking ball smashing into the UK and will break it into pieces.

It’s why Dave Cameron buggered off in gutless haste. So maybe, if you don’t want NI to leave the UK, stop supporting Brexit.”

While it is a little embarrassing for Ms May to have the rug pulled from under her feet at the last moment, it has most likely saved her from working out how to say she was prepared to cut a special deal for one region of the UK, on the very real grounds of risks to people being hurt, but every other region will have to carry on and be economically ruined.

No more so because of the possible disproportionate shift of investment and jobs to Northern Ireland to remain in the sanity of the single market and customs union.

“Arlene has saved her own region from a lot of potential employment by her insistence that where she lives must go over the cliff edge with the whole show.”

It’s not imagined what the solution will be now to progress Brexit negotiations to the stage where the much larger economic power of a bloc of nearly half a billion people with some massive economies becomes the first to offer the U.K. a take it or get stuffed trade deal.

“May will work out how to get through to the stage where it is really clear her agenda completely disempowers the UK internationally, and that taking back control means taking it from the UK and gives it to ten people in Northern Ireland temporarily before handing it lock, stock to anyone who cares to boss it.

It’ll just take a bit more time. But stick with her. She’s bound to have another bright idea any moment that will lead to another catch 22 in which the UK comes out looking like a bunch of headless chickens again. It what’s we do now.”