Category: Governing the people

In an exclusive interview Transport Secretary Chris Grayling talks to LCD Views about his new life as a hermit.

Q. Mr Grayling, it is Mr, isn’t it? You haven’t received your peerage yet?

No answer.

Q. Well, let’s move on? Why did you decide to crawl into this undiscovered, Neolithic tomb on a subpolar crag of an island hundreds of miles from the nearest, other inhabited island?

No answer.

Q. Okay, I guess that’s too personal. The next question is, what do you have to say to all those sub-contractors likely to go bust as a result of the collapse of Carillion?

A company you awarded massive government contracts to, even though, there were clear signs it was essentially being run like a Ponzi scheme?

No answer.

Q. Let’s push this one a little. I think the people affected by your incompetence deserve an answer, they accepted the work because the government backed Carillion.

No answer.

Q. When are you coming home? Have you letters you would like me to mail when I get back to Orkney?

No answer.

(At this point the transport secretary, who looks a bit cavemanish for having lived in the cave since he dodged questions on the rail fare increases, appears to throw scat at our reporter)

Q. Final question. Do you anticipate enjoying your pension in retirement after a long and glorious ministerial career of turning anything you touch to shit?

That’s what I’ll get my peerage for.

Q. So this is not a vow of silence, just a hermitage?

No answer.

Q. Goodbye Secretary of State for Transport.

A. Don’t tell anyone you found me or I’ll stop all your Southern Rail trains services from running on time. And do me a favour, chase the little devils away from my cave door.

It’s clear he’s lost his mind.

Still, at least he’s still being paid, even for hiding from his responsibilities.

“How could we be expected to foresee a massive business would just collapse, just like that? Without any warning at all?” Cabinet office minister, David Lid-on, asked today, in response to the collapse of Carillion.

“Everyone knows the only party that understands business is the Conservatives. Please put the emphasis on the ‘con’ when saying our name,” Mr Lid-on continued, “UK plc is safe in our hands. Just look at our handling of Brexit. It’s a prime example. With us in charge we should more correctly be referred to as UKIP plc, of course.”

It’s believed the collapse of Carillion, which runs every single public service in the UK, with the exception of the ones G4S run (you remember them, the army covered their asses, after they couldn’t run security at the Olympics, it’s a good thing army numbers have reduced since), will not have any negative impact on the taxpayer at all.

“It’s a great relief,” Mr Lid-on smiled, “I’m personally going to make sure the liquidation goes as smoothly as a car boot sale in a thunderstorm, with only a minor volcanic eruption before the end of trading. This is essentially a dry run for UK plc post March 2019 and Brexit. Firesale! Who doesn’t like one of those? Our neoliberal friends across the pond can’t wait for 2019.”

And the government wants to reassure the former employees of Carillion that they will be okay.

“Our foodbank sector is booming. There is no chance anyone will go hungry as a result of this giant collapsing after winning numerous public contracts while issuing profit warnings. You might lose your home though. Go find seven different gig economy zero hours job pronto.”

Further reassurance was offered to the former bosses of Carillion. Legislative changes in 2016 means they won’t have to pay back their bonuses.

“We should thank George Osborne and David Cameron for their visionary work on austerity. It’s been great for everyone,” Mr Lid-on went on, “You make companies with slim profit margins pretend they can run expensive public sector projects for a profit making loss.

It’s really an exceptionally clever way to run the country.

Germany and France, the Scandinavian countries, they could learn a lot from the way we’ve run the UK since the wisdom of Thatcherism took hold of public policy. What have they done? Total clown shows with limited futures now.”

LCD’s private/public analyst was just as forgiving on the government.

“It’s not fair to bully the Conservative government about their awarding contracts to Carillion, even as the stock market was short selling it. They’re the party of business. Keep repeating that and don’t look at the national debt under their stewardship.

Besides, how can they have been expected to foresee this? They can’t foresee anything.”

Jeremy Hunt’s workload was pleasantly lighter this afternoon after minister for Transport, Chris Grayling, was drafted in to oversee the NHS for him.

“Chris has spare time on his hands now he’s no longer lobbying to give his friends at Carillion extra government contracts,” a spokesman for the department for health told LCD Views.

“He was spending his time today just phoning up Downing Street asking if there was anything he could do? And scanning Expedia for good deals on middle eastern flights, so it’s nice for him to be able to help somewhere with all his free time.”

It’s thought the helping hands will allow Jeremy Hunt to properly prepare primary, post Brexit legislation, that will hand the entirety of the NHS over to Virgin Health, as a reward for Richard Branson reversing the refusal of his toy train set to stock the Daily Mail.

“Chris has a proven track record of handing massive amounts of public money and responsibility over to companies issuing profit warnings.

He’s the right man to advise on the awarding of new NHS contracts to private partners whose only concerns are people’s health and well-being.

This should only serve to accelerate the collapse of the NHS, by decisions not being taken on merit or best practise at government level, and its lockstock privatisation.

Something we can all be proud of in the Conservative Party.

It’s really a legacy issue.

Our membership will have physically died out soon, so they won’t need the NHS. We’re trying to leave something to the neoliberals of tomorrow.”

Mr Hunt is said to have offered no resistance when Downing Street phoned him up to make him aware of the splitting of his duties.

“Jeremy wears his heart on his sleeve,” the spokesman added, “well, he wears someone’s heart there. He’ll always help out a friend.”

LCD Views’ public health analyst has this to say.

“That’s the NHS royally f*cked then. If I were you, and you have school age dependents, I’d be bloody sure you get them into medical school.”

It’s thought in this way you can secure being able to see a GP in the future.

“And you’ll get to discuss how big their bonuses are each Christmas, if you’re lucky enough to see them, if they haven’t been worked to death from exhaustion.”

Grayling wasn’t asked for comment as everyone has now realised that’s pointless.

Exciting news today for the world of print, politics and fact as famed reporter and prominent public servant Boris Johnson has announced he will be hunting down the truth again to make sure it’s dead.

“Some ah, fibblefabbles, have claimed I can’t combine the glorious British tradition of hunting the truth with my duties as foreign secretary of the Kingdom of England. This is sheer ninnybaggle.”

Boris goes on to cite his work with Iran.

“That, um, ah, that lady tourist arrested for writing on postcards, she’s still in prison over there because the government, allegedly, won’t stump up the pots of silver and gold demanded to stop her wasting away in prison. I can continue to vaguely lobby the Shah whilst reading the signs written by truth stool in the sands.”

Asked what weapon he will arm himself with on safari, Boris seemed very enthusiastic.

“I’ve um, adapted, redesigned, reconfigured various facts to kill truth on contact. They’re so twisted and covered in waffle gobble I don’t think even a bull truth fact could survive.”

Boris added that he had managed to combine the job of tour bus operator and part time MP for Somewhere back in 2016.

“Anyone who tells you a man can’t multitask is talking sniffle snoffle. I can go on the road three hundred days a year raffle wrangling the public to a point of near ecstasy with my exhortations to reach the glorious heights of Global Britain 2.0, Imperial Reboot edition, while picking a fight with the Mayor of London because if Trump goes down all the populist, lunatic, narcissistic, self interested spam bogglers like myself go down too by osmosis!”

Boris finished by saying he’d be applying for the job of editor at Breitbart while away in safari, because he’ll have time in the evenings around the campfire.

“And I wouldn’t want to get rusty as a hack. I’ll most likely return to journalism full part time once I resign in disgrace later this year.”

Good luck Bojo. Bag a whopper for us.

A woman already famous for aching to bring back fox hunting and fracking has confirmed her deep desire to protect the environment.

“I’m not sure which environment,” the woman said earlier, “probably the one over there, the one without any frackable gas under the fly tipping.”

She went on to counter accusations that the rebranding of her party from one who’d shoot the last polar bear if there was a pound of profit to be had, to a party more green than the Greens, is not a cynical, shallow reaction to the sudden awareness no one under seventy is ever going to vote for them again.

“Pretending to love the environment with long term, largely detail free assertions, is the best way to win back young people,” a friend of the woman said, “Just because I’m known for stabbing my friends in the back, doesn’t mean you can’t trust me on this.”

Young people are likely to be fooled by this pitch, forget the crushing of their dreams related to EU membership, home ownership, health care and affordable education and begin voting for the party these two represent again.

“This idea must have come from the special committee set up to work out how to get young people to vote Tory,” a young person told LCD Views, “presumably they decided that as a tiny minority of us went to Eton we must all be incredibly thick.”

Are you young, didn’t go to school with silver spoon kids and are convinced?

At least they may have to follow through with the Ivory trade ban now. Which is great.

Now, just settle back and wait for them to frack the f*ck out of your backyard.

Secretary of State for Health, Jeremy Rhymes Hunt, was found in a celebratory mood this morning as he pulled the curtain closed on a hospital bed, in a ceremony celebrating keeping his job.

“I’m ecstatic!” He told the gathered NHS staff at a hospital in Brokenbed, Staffordshire, “I love nothing more than reducing the number of beds. It decreases costs for the NHS and increases costs in the vending machines in A&E departments.”

It’s believed the bed closing ceremony will be replicated across the country all week.

“It was actually really funny,” Jeremy told the staff, “that daft woman called me in to sack me and I told her ‘sit down Theresa, I’m not going anywhere, in fact, you’re giving me a fancier job title to boot’.”

It’s believed Mr Hunt had previously told Tory whips he would be happy with a demotion to the business portfolio.

“I told them sure, no problem, I want to spend more time with my family anyway.”

But it seems it was just a set up so he could boss the prime minister about and make her look ridiculous and weak.

“Gove, Boris and myself still hope the magic choosing hat will choose any one of us to be prime minister this year. But we have to keep undermining May until Boris can work out how to u turn on Brexit.”

The incumbent at business, a Mr Clarke, was said to be relieved at Hunt’s strategic cleverness, as he’s already operating at the top of his game in the less prominent ministry, and was terrified of public exposure.

Even though the bed closing ceremonies will go on all week, Hunt says the pressures of office preclude him from closing every bed personally.

“Sadly, I don’t have the time, but not to worry, I’ve outsourced the rest of the closures to a subsidiary of Virgin Health. I had to, otherwise they’d sue!”

The Westminster bubble is in ecstasy today with the news that Theresa May, Prime Minister of somewhere, is to create a reshuffle minister so she can get it right next time.

“It’s momentous,” Brandon Lewis, recently promoted to stare angrily at social media told LCD, “she completely ballsed it up last time, but a new Ministry for Reshuffles will ensure she nails it next month.”

The new ministry, to be set up by Friday, will be a hotly contested ticket.

LCD asked Mr Lewis who was in the running for the top job?

“Michael Gove is foaming at the mouth for it,” Brandon replied, “to most people’s shock he’s only pretending to like animals and can’t wait to get out of the environment backwater.

But there’s a spare Johnson sibling floating around too, Crassius or Toberlone or something, no one has really heard of him. He might get it as part of May’s new blood strategy.”

But critics of the government have attacked the plan.

“Labour can’t support this additional expense at a time of national austerity. A billion pounds has been earmarked for this. That could be spent on planning for a jobs first Brexit.
I’m not even sure why we need a minister for truffles? It’s not like France is going to refuse to sell us magic mushrooms after March 2019.”

Other critics have pointed out that as this is already a government of clowns, you’d expect May to be able to juggle and shuffle already.

“I am personally for it,” LCD’s political watcher commented, “if this new minister can show Theresa how to actually sack someone, then the future of the U.K. is strong and stable.”

Legislation to establish the new ministry is expected to be tabled no later than Thursday, to meet the Friday deadline set by the prime minister.

In spite of their fierce criticism of the prime minister’s handling of the most recent reshuffle, Labour MPs can expect to be whipped in favour of the bill anyway.

“Reshuffle means reshuffle,” the Prime Minister will tell the house when she personally presents the bill, “and truffle means truffle.”

Reports from social media analysts, Social Media R Us, suggest that a country that used to be regarded as an intellectual powerhouse is continuing to puzzle over who it elected prime minister last year? Even though seven months have now passed.

“No one has a bloody clue,” SM R Us told LCD Views, “officially the prime minister is, in theory, the leader of the party asked to form a government, following the result of a national ballot, but that seems not to be the case this time.”

SM R Us goes on to elaborate that judging by comments on all social media platforms, there is consensus that the woman who appears to believe she is currently prime minister just isn’t, in the public’s perception.

“Rupert Murdoch is pretty high up there. Paul Dacre too. A lot of people coalesce around those two media moguls being the actual power behind the throne.”

Not Elizabeth II’s toilet you understand, they mean the desk chair in 10 Downing Street.

“A substantial minority suggest some mythical animal called a lame duck. Others lump for Donald Trump, but he’s not even prime minister of America, so that’s a stretch.”

In face of the skepticism the woman who believes she is the British prime minister is expected to keep claiming it, until someone can prove to her that she’s dreaming.

So who does SM R Us think is PM?

“It’s either Boris Johnson or Arlene Foster, depending on how you look at things. Or maybe even Jeremy Hunt, given how he bossed the PM yesterday.

It’s hard to say, we’ll probably need another election soon to find out.”

Theresa May, the ambitious member for Maidenhead, has gained her reward for her unwavering determination and loyalty. A stronger or more stable figure could hardly be imagined. Her promotion will strengthen one of the strongest cabinets of modern times.

The Prime Minister of Brexitland, Rupert Murdoch, has needed to recruit new blood since the unfortunate departure of several stalwart figures. Michael Fallon felt the knee – sorry, felt the need – to leave his role after sharing Trump jokes with Julia Fart-Brewer. Priti Patel had to go after she was discovered talking to foreigners, which is to be outlawed under Brexit regulations. And poor Damian Green took matters into his own hands.

Some of the many aces in Murdoch’s pack have remained unshuffled. Boris Johnson remains Minister of Balderdash, and Jeremy C. Hunt is to continue as Health Secretary. Sources suggest that Hunt was in line for a major promotion, but he begged to be allowed to continue his excellent work with the NHS. Hunt has graciously accepted extra responsibilities after proving to be such a safe pair of hands.

There are a few new entries, populist pickers. For example, Brandon Lewis becomes Minister for Interchangeable Names. James Cleverly’s name speaks for itself. Indeed, he tweeted “I’m not just Cleverly, I’m a stable geniusly!”

And so to May. She has shown enormous flexibility in reconciling her pro-European instincts to the hard Brexit demanded by the Great British Public. She was considered for a position in the Department for Transport, but as she herself noted, “I don’t even know how to make a U-turn in government!”

Her wit, vigour and melodious voice will be valuable assets as she joins the Department for Exiting the European Union. David Davis tweeted “Delighted to have such a skilled negotiator on the team! Welcome Theresa!”, although reportedly he struggled to spell ‘negotiator’ and ‘Theresa’ without assistance.

There are now 13 Conservative vice chairmen. That’s a lot of vice to oversee.

The Prime Minister is expected to reassure an increasingly cash strapped country today with the creation of the minister for the magic money tree as part of her major, groundbreaking, earth shattering cabinet reshuffle.

This will be a reshuffle so impressive, for protecting and promoting serial incompetents in the most senior government positions, that it will underscore the degree of authority exercised by Ms May over her cabinet.

“This is not rearranging the deckchairs on the cabinet of the Titanic.” S. Atan MP, Purgatory-on-Woe, minister for comfortable pillows, told LCD,

“This is planting the magic money tree firmly in the deck of the great ship of state where it will provide shade for our wealthiest donors. While simultaneously, and this is important, forcing its roots right down through the lower decks and out the hull, probably drowning everyone else down there. But not to worry.”

Who will be given the plum new job is not yet clear, but Arlene Foster is said to be in the running.

“She has the experience. She knows how to hand a prime minister a set of secateurs and a pruning saw and get them cutting. But perhaps someone with a fleeting association with Carillion may also be right for the eye catching position.”

Critics of the new post have already attacked the decision.

Taking to social media, on Twitter, our own financial whiz, Professor Money Boffin, had this to say,

“She is already creating a Minister for No Deal Brexit. Apart from robbing satirists of a headline, again!, the two roles are really one and the same thing, given it’s estimated a no deal Brexit would cost the UK £400 BILLION.”

But at least, with the creation of two new ministers, the priorities of the government are clear, blow all our cash and not have to pay for it.

And you can be sure, whoever is promoted today, has spent all weekend deleting old tweets!

Oh, and she’s been searching hard to find a right wanker to promote to the position of deputy prime minister, as that’s the major qualification.

Now let’s all get behind the government and make a success of Brexit, just like the official opposition (who is the leader again?) is currently doing.