Category: Governing the people

“I only want to take away freedom of movement from the poor”, explains Christian  Scandaler, a rich Brexit backer, who recently bought himself a Maltese passport, in order to keep his freedom of movement after Brexit, “I’m shocked, horrified, to realise in order to do it I have to own a second passport that’s not patriot blue.”

We spoke to Christian Scandaler just after he had opened the package containing his new Maltese passport.

It was supposed to be a happy moment. A moment of relief. It was anything but.

”How am I supposed to show my face at the shadowy think tank gatherings now?” he asked.

“Maybe it’s a mistake? Maybe the Maltese authorities intended to send me a blue passport? I hope this is not a horrible prank?”

We didn’t know what to say.

We’d figured Christian was aware his new Maltese passport would be burgundy, but he was prepared to suffer that ignominy as part and parcel of doing his bit for Global Britain 2.0, Imperial Edition, The Reboot.

Christian is not alone.

He  is one of the growing list of extremely wealthy businessmen backing Brexit, and doing their utmost to end freedom of movement for ordinary wage earners, who have sensibly purchased an EU passport from a remaining EU27 country happy to sell one.

”It’s a good thing the little countries of the EU are a bit cash strapped and the big beasts haven’t yet gotten around to working with them to end the racket. Otherwise, what would wealthy British patriots do?

Christ, we could find ourselves applying for visas like the poor people will have to.

I’m trying to do my bit for Britain. To crush democratic reforms of recent decades. To properly take back control of the working conditions of the plebs. But not this way. Not like this. Not burgundy.”

Cyprus and Austria will sell you one too, by the way. In case you’re in the market and cashed up.

“I guess I can buy a blue passport cover?” Christian is getting desperate now.

“Then if I am quick enough, when I whip the burgundy passport out in the prepay, express line at immigration control, maybe no one will notice?

€800K+ is a lot to pay, well, not for me, but still, it’s a lot to pay to keep frictionless travel across borders as we make a success of Brexit.

I guess I’ll get used to keeping a burgundy passport, in time, as I watch all the silly plebs who voted for Brexit stand in long lines.”

We hope so too Christian, for your sake, and for the sake of all rich Brexit backing hypocrites, we really hope so too. We couldn’t have you feeling blue.

LCD Views’ crime and punishment correspondent has heard that secretary of state for ballsing up in Europe, David Davis, has been arrested and charged with assault after taking a good, hard look at himself in the mirror.

“He was warned by his therapist not to look in the mirror sober,” our source at the Met alleges,

“Apparently, he was woken up this morning early, by the fox terrier next door banging its toy against the party wall, and he decided he needed to micturate.

He went to the bathroom and accidentally saw his reflection in the bathroom cabinet’s door mirror.”

It’s believed Mr Davis stared at himself for several minutes.

“It’s the first time he’s taken stock of himself since about 1982. And the longer he looked the more furious he became.”

All those youthful ideals first compromised, before being abandoned?

“Oh, I don’t know if he got that deep in. To be honest, he probably only dipped in his toe. But it was enough.”

It’s believed Mr Davis refused to back down, even after he saw Mr Davis’s eyes clouded with first irritation, and then proper rage.

“A neighbour called the police when they heard what sounded like a wild struggle occurring. Reportedly, there was so much screaming and swearing, they thought a drunken rugger team had fallen out with themselves after a night on the tiles.”

While this report is not confirmed, it’s believed Mr Davis is currently hoping to get bail in time to appear before the House of Lords EU Committee at 2:35 this afternoon.

“To be honest, if he can’t get bail, it will be a relief of the Lords. They’ve actually got work to do, unlike David Davis, who’s more of a sideshow.”

Apparently it was all the lies that set him off.

“When he realised that he’d been lying to himself all these years, he just lost it.”

NHS bosses across England have written a stark warning to Health Secretary Jeremy Hunt, stating that hospitals are already overstretched and will not be able to cope with a new pandemic of superbug Torykip cases.

“Wave after wave of hybrid Tory-UKIP infections will finish the Conservative Party off. It will be a face melting spectacular,” Dr Focken Stopp warned,

“I’ve written to Hunt to advise him to wash his hands as frequently as if he had an obsessive compulsive disorder. And by no means, use a computer until we have identified and treated those already infected.

Dirty fingernails and social media is one of the mechanisms of spread.

For the love of god, do not shake hands with Rees-mogg.

Do not let Theresa May sneeze on you.

Do not talk to Owen Paterson, although that’s good advice anytime.

Boris Johnson is infected, but not showing symptoms. He should be placed in isolation.

All Conservative MP’s, who aren’t already infected with the bug should be taking these measures.

Clearly the usual infection of “if they just worked harder they wouldn’t be homeless’ virus has made most Conservative MP’s susceptible to this additional, life altering  infection which has hybridised with xenophobia.”

Our resident health reporter spoke to Dr Focken Stopp to hear more,

“They should have treated the UKIP infection years ago. As soon as it first appeared in the body politic.

Many of us said so at the time and raised our voices louder as the infections multiplied. But the executive was worried about losing the baby boomer vote, because a lot of younger communities weren’t voting much. That’s changed now.

Adding austerity to the mix and leaving the lies of right wing, offshore, tax haven loving, lie peddling, tabloid selling sociopaths in communities, without disinfectant, that made half of the country open to infection of Torykip.”

While the Conservative Party has been fingered as patient zero, years ago now, people eagerly anticipating its demise, now the hybridised illness is returning, are cautioned that it’s not the only community in which the infection is present. Redkip is also evident at the moment in other communities.

This is just as hard to treat, due to the underlying anachronistic nature of the underpinning virus underlying the underlying pathogen. Although it’s major symptom is a genuine concern for others, it will lead to the same ultimate end in the 21st century conditions we find ourselves in.

If you see someone suffering from Redkip, treat them with capital v labour serum, “Statute of Labourers” 1351, Freedom of Movement/Democratic rights for working people. It probably won’t work, but it’s worth a shot. Historical parallels.

“David Cameron woke up with an ulcer on his thigh one morning,” Dr Focken Stopp added,

“and cut his whole damn leg off, at home, in his kitchen, with dirty chicken scissors.

This was a mistake for Dave, not a disaster. Because Dave is filthy rich. Screw Dave. His gutlessness, when the crisis was treatable, is key in all this. So too those that went before him. Letting the infection spread and applying medicine to uninflected communities? Insanity.

Watchout for friends who start writing online only in capslock. That’s the first symptom of Torykip infection.”

LCD Views is leading the charge today in heaping criticism on a team of taxpayer funded scientists who have announced the result of an experiment, the aim of which was to talk to a packet of mince.

“My team at the Brexit Science Institute, the BS I, refute all accusations that we’re just wasting buckets of taxpayer cash,” lead researcher Dr Reed-smogg said this afternoon to a room with only one reporter in it.

“The BS Institute works hard to establish facts where there are already lots and lots of facts, just ones we don’t agree with,” Dr Reed-smogg continued,

“and I am thrilled to tell you today that we have succeeded in our recent experiment to get a packet of mince to talk.”

What a waste of time and money.

“The mince in question was first pickled with alcohol for months. Most especially over the recent festive period.

The alcohol was public grade and obtained from the House of Commons bar, well known for the cheap, quality booze available if you’re on the merry-go-round.”

After the alcohol the mince was soaked in liquid narcotics of varying kinds, from LSD, to amphetamines, and finally just stuffed to the gills with magic mushrooms in the hope it would bring a vision back from the afterworld, known as Brexitannia.

“After the application of the chemical compounds we applied electrodes to the mince and pulled the lever down on a generator in the vaults underneath the House of Commons bar.”

This explains why Westminster went dark for an hour this morning, as electricity supplies were interrupted.

“We are pleased to announce that once the electricity began arcing all over the mince it did indeed talk.”

But what did it say?

“It said a dozen noteworthy things, below are some examples,

‘If the facts change, I change my mind, I change my mind more regularly than I change my underwear. No one else is ever allowed to change their mind. It’s called democracy as run by a klepto-chumocracy.”

and,

‘There is no chance of any EU nationals being deported in the advent of a no deal Brexit because by then we will have fostered such a xenophobic atmosphere, with the help of inheritance millionaires who dabble in disaster capitalism, elected to high office, such as yourself, that they will have all left voluntarily anyway.

In fact our main focus will be on forcibly stopping university educated, young British people from following after them.'”

As you can see, it was a pointless exercise, in which nothing was learned, equivalent to the famous champagne gets you drunk fast studies. Oh, and the, what happens to your country if your elected leaders don’t have the balls to fight for the votes of a bunch of emotional nativists.

We condemn this study, not only for the money, but the waste of good narcotics that could certainly have been better used applied to two planks of wood, in order to energise them ahead of an argument with a paper bag.

Nonetheless, the talking mince science show seems likely to continue for sometime yet, so long as the BS Institute are able to continue siphoning money away from austerity stripped public services and into their vanity projects.

If someone offers you the chance of talking to a packet of mince, we advise you to ask for a recipe for political chilli con carne instead.

Otherwise known as a ballot. Good day. Stay cranky.

This has been a public service announcement.

There are reports of outrage and even possible mutiny among staff at DExEu this morning, who arrived for work to discover the whole show has been replaced by a white elephant.

“It’s supposed to save money,” Phil, bookkeeper grumbled,

“but I’ll be buggered if I know how replacing a vast and expensive department set up in a rush with a flaming white elephant will save money?

How many billable hours does an elephant get through a day? Must be dozens.”

Security guards were also unimpressed.

“Mr Davis gave me a strong sense of stability and certainly in my job here. He took his lead from Ms May.

He catches the ear whenever he speaks, expansively, on furniture or the job of simply unravelling connections with 21st century commerce.

What flaming use is a white elephant instead of a department? Where will I put my mouse pad? On its rump?”

But a spokesman for the office of the prime minister clarified the vision behind the change,

“I’m not sure what all the fuss is about?

The Prime Minister made this change well over a year ago.

Liam ‘Air Miles’ Fox is next. We got two white elephants for the price of one. Genius accounting.”

We popped round to speak to our political naturist to get their insight.

“You could have told me you were dropping my,” C Nude snapped, “I’m just getting ready for the beach.”

We waited a moment for C to put something on and then he said,

“This is just a clarification of the philosophy driving all the changes made by Theresa May since she accepted the challenge of eradicating inequality and unfairness among the bonus culture of top CEO’s and donors to the Conservative Party, by making poor children work harder.

DExEU and The Department for International Trade is basically a pride of white elephants. Something we can all be proud of.

In fact, a white elephant more fittingly represents the office of the prime minister at the moment and I support this move.

You should write an op ed doing the same. I’m the entire United Kingdom  is uniting behind being one big white elephant instead of a modern, trading, outward focused, welcoming, modern, globally focused, efficient…”

There were lots of adjectives, in a row like deckchairs. We left soon after so he could put on his new clothes and go to the beach and get sunbathing.

Exciting news from the world of light entertainment today with the announcement that struggling broadcaster, British Broadcasting Corporation, is to grab a lifeline by merging with the evergreen Nigel Farage Corp.

“I’m over the moon,” J Bumblephrys, political editor on BBC flagship Yesterday, told our corporate takeover correspondent.

“Although it’s really just cementing what is already an extremely close working relationship, that borders on the shamelessly erotic at times.”

The merger, which is expected to be rubber stamped by DexEU on Friday, will see even more output from the Nigel Farage Corp on the publicly funded airwaves.

“There was a concern that with Nigel’s last light entertainment series, UKIP, receiving less viewers by the day, that the BBC would have to start generating some content of its own again,” Bumblephrys commented, “happily that’s not a concern now with the pilot episode of ‘The Brexit Party’ receiving rave reviews by upper management. Although I personally had ready years of ear grabbing content from NFC to replay in place of actually interrogating the lies to expose them,

“Those days are mercifully gone with the governing directive “will of the people” coming down from the top.”

For his part, CEO of the Nigel Farage Corporation, Nigel Farage, was similarly effusive.

“Imagine if you’ve made a name for yourself whipping up hysteria over emotive subjects that need sober consideration to separate lies from reality and you want to reach the widest possible audience so your shadowy backers get the biggest bang for their buck?”

You need the reach of a taxpayer funded organisation that has forgotten it doesn’t need to chase ratings, and is prepared to work with you in a symbiotic pairing?

“Yes. This merger is a dream come true, even if it’s just cementing in fact what has been happening in practice in reality. My life coach Steve Bannon is very pleased.”

Public response to the announcement is expected to be overwhelmingly positive and will be reported as such by the BBC regards of what it actually is.

“That episode of Yesterday,” Nigel added, “when John said my catchphrase, will of the people, 987 times in five minutes, I knew I’d made it for good then.”

Further reassurance was given to Mr Farage that even if he fails to be re-elected as an MEP the BBC will still provide wall to wall coverage of his every utterance, 25 hours a day, 8 days a week, 400 days a year.

World famous welfare system reformer and humanitarian, Irritable Duncan Syndrome, has announced he’s to spend time in Liverpool Prison.

“It’s about understanding how the average family survives in a prison. It’s vital I get first hand experience of observing the daily grind to better formulate my vision for Universal Incarceration.”

IDS has chosen Liverpool Prison as,

“It’s a shining example of how the social engineering and reform of undeserving poor worked in the 19th century. That’s a place myself, and numerous colleagues on the government benches, wish to return day to day life in 21st England to.

You know, they had transportation then. It was privatised because it made it more cost effective.

Basically you could just dump people who wouldn’t play by the fair rules of the game on the opposite side of the world.

Sorry, we’ll have to stop a moment, I’ve got something nostalgic in my eye.”

While IDS’s latest brainstorm is only just brewing up, we’ve managed to tease out some of the initial thoughts.

“Activities for inmates will include cheese rolling, buffing medallions, standing in a room of other people and not being noticed,” IDS has scribbled down on a yellow legal pad, “the sort of vigorous skills that equip a man for life on the outside.”

Although IDS’s notes hold a warning for those who don’t follow the regime.

“Prison time isn’t free you know. It’s important to ensure being in prison is never more fun than being on the outside.

To this end I will be encouraging a vigorous regime of whipping and beatings.

Worse even than queuing at one of those supermarkets poor people frequent.”

IDS is due to begin his half an hour inside Liverpool Prison just as soon as HM Prison service has managed to mop out a cell of a build up of stools.

“You won’t find spare stools and other seats just piled about unused in my universal incarceration system. Not on your nellie.

In fact, as everyone with a net income of less than the average Conservative Party donor will be forcibly incarcerated to staff the post Brexit industries of tomorrow, you’ll be lucky to find room to put a stool down.”

Stock up on tobacco, once IDS puts his latest reforms into action, you’ll be going down. After appropriate means testing to determine if you’re guilty, of course.

The blood of all true born British men were beating a little stronger today with the news from Jacob Rees-mogg’s new eurosceptic research group that it was confident in the superior quality of British knees.

“Old Bonny will soon be on the run in the Brexit negotiations,” J. Bull, spokesman for the group, told LCD Views.

“The weak livered continentals don’t have the knack of either the high or the long jump. Not got the spine for it. Our modern training methods mean British men have substantially firmer knees.”

It’s believed the research group will recommend advancing negotiations now to the stage where all the chaps involved roll up their trousers and stand in a line.

“The Queen will be a fair judge. We’re certain she will identify the knees of British men as not only firmer, but more dexterous than anything the continent can throw at us. After that there will be no more of this project fear talk.

Forget your divorce bill.

Actually forget divorce as a concept.

Once we’re a modern, free, enterprising, isolated trading sovereign nation again and Jacob is elevated to prime minister, divorce will be the first regressive measure taken in recent years to be outlawed.”

When asked why there was no mention of women in their recommendations, Mr Bull looked surprised.

“We’ve mentioned the Queen forty seven thousand, nine hundred and forty three times, in just the first document.”

Other women?

“Oh, the fairer sex in general? Oh, they’ll be in the home. Breeding for Britain! We’ll need the cannon fodder for when we advance our thinking out of the nineteenth century.”

And what if they’re wrong, what if British knees prove less firm?

“That’s the talk of a collaborator,” Mr Bull replied, with a furrowing brow, “But I’ll let it pass. Let’s just say if it’s a complete and bloody disaster, the negotiations, certain clever fellows will make even more money. The sort that keep their money offshore. But you didn’t hear that from me.”

Mr Bull left at that point in the hope of watching the Battle of the Nile, live.

Let us go back in time, back to before Brexit began, before the flash laziness of George and Dave, before the messiah JC, before the Maybot, all the way back to 1346.

We’ll skip the events in between, because time is short.

1346, when the Black Death began its sweep across the world from east to west.

There is consensus that it killed fifty percent of any community it arrived within, this plague, this pestilence, Yersinia pestis. Some places it killed more and others less, fifty percent is the savage average.

“…earliest symptom was the appearance of certain swellings in the groin or armpit [unlike its first appearance to the east; bleeding from the nose was the first symptom then], some of which were egg-shaped whilst others were roughly the size of a common apple…” (1)

You’ve heard or read all this before, most likely, and how does it resonate with events now?

With Brexit?

This is my query and freedom of movement is the key.

I find strong resonance with the much contested issue of ‘freedom of movement’ within the European Union, that we are currently able to enjoy, or malign, depending on your point of view.

And how do I draw a line between Brexit and the time of the Black Death?

It’s not an attempt to be melodramatic. It is just asking a question to do with resonance.

It’s to do with how the ruling elite in England, in the 14th century, responded to the massive social impact of, and disorder in the aftermath of Yersinia pestis.

They found the labouring classes, the serfs, taking advantage (unfairly, if you were a baron…and had an economic model based on a labour system just above slavery) of the shortage of labour in the country to demand greater rights, greater wages.

King Edward III heard the plaintive cries, of his medieval chumocracy, and responded with a law called the “Statute of Labourers”, passed in 1351.

Here is the extract that catches my eye. That brings to mind Brexit and the desire to crush freedom of movement between the UK and the rest of the EU.

“…seen fit to ordain: that every man and woman of our kingdom of England…shall be bound to serve him who has seen fit so to seek after him; and he shall take only the wages liveries, meed or salary which, were accustomed to be paid…” (2)

There were further measures in the years that followed. This was because not everyone in the elite was able to hold the line. They were guilty of “enticement”. Offering greater wages because they needed the labour on their land and because the labour was happy to go. A little less serfdom cake is an enticing thing.

This “Statute of Labourers” passed in 1351, and other measures, were an attempt to squash freedom of movement of serfs after the great plague.

A move from the elites to suppress wage and conditions through controlling labour movement. To control the lives of the many, by the few, tying them to just one piece of land.

It failed, The Peasants’ Revolt, led by Wat Tyler, in 1381, saw Wat dead and it saw the death of the 1351 law and others.

Ordinary people now had a greater share of rights. Even if there was still a long way to travel.

This change (in England) can be traced back to as a key turning point that led centuries later to the abolition of absolute monarchy, on from there to the industrial revolution and finally universal suffrage and parliamentary democracy in the United Kingdom.

If you control your labour, its physical liberty to move across a landscape and continent, then you have a greater chance to control the wages and conditions of that labour. In short, if you’re a baron you can grow richer by disenfranchising labour of its rights.

We have travelled a long way from 1351. Let us not start going in reverse, lead by blowhards and bus drivers like Boris, Farage and all the others, backed (allegedly) by tax avoiding billionaires.

Long ago the majority of the population was in serfdom. It took centuries to get to now, when all (with limitations our government has seen fit to ignore, for political reasons, I’d suspect) within the union of nations called the European Union can choose where they live, work, study, love and retire.

I can’t help feeling the billionaires, millionaires, MP’s and the extra rabble rousing chancers who have pushed lies about immigration and made names for themselves railing against freedom of movement, have a similar feudal desire to restrict peoples’/workers’ rights.

It’s not just the workers from across the channel whose freedom of movement the Brexiters want to abolish. It’s yours. It’s your children’s.

It means less rights and less of the democracy cake in your hands.

Democracy is one cake we can all have and eat, but only if we defend it against the people who, like their medieval shadows, want to reduce the rights you own.

And it should be asked if, lacking a natural calamity as cover for their plans, the Brexiters have manufactured one?

These are my links between the Brexiters and the ruling elite of 1351.

1. Page 96, “Why Nations Fail” D. Acemoglu & J. A. Robinson, Profile Books
2. Page 99, “Why Nations Fail” D. Acemoglu & J. A. Robinson, Profile Books

In the 17th century in revolutionary France there lurked a mysterious figure amongst the aristocracy. Some thought he (or she) moved to perform deeds of good, others thought the moves were made to avoid the sliding knife of the guillotine.

In the 21st century this mysterious figure has returned, to the dilemma of the media news outlets.

In 2010 he mysteriously wiped away the legal aid programme from the Justice Ministery. This successful imitative lead to the removal of prison officers from HM Prisons.

Southern Rail has felt the hand of the Pimpernel with rail ticket increases quickly followed by rail strikes. Today the HS2 building contract with Carillion lies in shatters. Some say, due to the hand of the Pimpernel.

In frustration Lord Adonis has challenged the Pimpernel to come forward to a verbal duel on a media outlet of their choice. The silence has been deafening.

The grey Pimpernel lurks amongst grey people wearing grey suits and is currently in hiding, preparing to strike again…