Category: Governing the people

LCD Views can reveal this morning that the results of snap polling over the weekend reveals support for Nicola Sturgeon’s SNP at all time high in England.

“It’s the result we were expecting, to be honest,” poll master Professor Pole told us, “the cuddly face of nationalism has been seeing its light shine brighter over the last couple of years, but no one can work out why? It’s all very baffling. Presumably there’s an underlying political cause? What do you think? It couldn’t be the endless shitshower of useless English MPs in Westminster, aided and abetted, occasionally, by the DUP?”

Quite why the SNP has seen a surge in support within England maybe a mystery, but that wasn’t stopping us hitting the pavement only in London to find out why.

”Have you smelt Westminster?” Jo Blogs (all the time, across social media) asked us as by way of answering, “it’s a dumpster full of rotting fish and someone has filled it with petrol and someone else has set it on fire,

“This is why I am voting SNP at the snap general election soon after parliament votes to stay in the customs union riding a unicorn and put it to the people,

“Even if the SNP can’t logically stand a candidate in my constituency. I’m just plain jealous that the Scots might have a chance to escape endless Tory rule. It’s not an option we appear to have in England with old three dimensional foot shooter Corbyn running Labour.”

But surely the SNP are just taking advantage of the political chaos and confusion gripping England to further their own highly emotive agenda?

”That’s politics.”

It doesn’t make it right. They should be working with Theresa May to get her Brexit deal over the line.

”Like the burn it all DUP? Are you paying attention? Even the Brexiters voted against the deal, twice!”

Yes. Taking advantage of the chinks in the armour of the Conservative government, what’s that all about SNP?

”That’s what opposition parties are there to do! Expose the weaknesses and smash them. That’s how an adversarial political system functions. Brexit is a gift to nationalists. I’ve never had any truck with Scottish Independence before, but now? Get out while you can! Save yourselves! Wales too! Go on Northern Ireland, you know you want to! Cornwall! Raise the flag!”

We just need to give Labour/Abstention more time. They’ve totally out foxed the Tories.

”The Tories have outfoxed the Tories. Labour are just greasing the wheels of Brexit expecting the Tories to get all the blame, as if people don’t understand the role of the official opposition. That’s why I’m voting for Scottish Independence, even though I can’t. I dislike nationalism in any form as a rule, but right now I dislike English nationalism a lot more.”

FUKUS, or the Future UK – US Free Trade Agreement for short, in is doubt today after a five minute study of both countries domestic output revealed the pair of international clowns have a surplus of whataboutery.

“And it’s growing,” our trade specialist says, “it’s a mountain of whataboutery and it needs shifting or we won’t be able to agree to trade anything.”

But what about that little hill over there of electoral corruption cheese? I think it needs measuring again. It could actually be a mountain also.

It’s where a lot of the whataboutery is grown. Probably not a coincidence that the Trump and Brexit camps are using a soviet era, and modern day Russian government, tactic to deflect criticism and turn away inquiry?

“What about the British automotive sector going to the wall if you don’t get Brexit right, busy poking your nose into other people’s private affairs?” our trade guru immediately demanded, “what about thinking about the lives and pay packets of someone other than yourself for a change?”

But I thought you were concerned about the whataboutery too?

“What about worrying about the problem of lack of democratic accountability in your own house. I hear several of the residents are frequently denied agency in the most basic of decisions?”

They’re children.

“What about standing up for the rights of children rather than berating me about some insignificant problem about perceived democratic standards in places beyond my control.”

But that’s the point of democracy, it is under our control.

“What about worrying about lack of democracy in other countries. Peoples that would love to have the flawed, but functioning system you enjoy. Although you’d never know it. What about being a little bit more grateful and let your elected leaders get on with leading.”

But what about Hilary’s emails? What about the corruption in the Remain campaign in the EUref?

“That’s more like it.”

But what about Labour’s six tests on Brexit and what a load of fudge and bollocks that is and how bad a job they’re doing at holding the government to account?

Wouldn’t the government just collapse like the sack of shit it is in the face of concerted opposition?

“What about Tony Blair? You should think long and hard about how Blairites are undermining the leader.”

Of course. It’s not about Jeremy’s actions. It’s about what someone who hasn’t been leader of the party for over a decade did. He made catastrophic errors and he has never been held to account, to our shame.

But what about Jeremy actually leading the opposition to the government on the largest change for decades, so the suspect figures of previous eras can shut up?

“What about what an emotive gift T-Bone Blair is to Momentum and how useful he is at shielding Corbyn from criticism?”

What about not being so f*cking cynical and tearing May out of office by full throttle opposition?

“What about we go back to talk about salvaging this free trade deal? This whataboutery is going off the rails.”

What about it?

It’s going to be ruinous to the United Kingdom. We’ll be so out classed by size, we’ll be economically and politically desperate and we’ll be beholden to a president across the sea who cares more about golf and tweeting while taking a dump in the morning than he does about us.

“What about how the unelected eurocrats are even now punishing the UK for following our democratic destiny by actually telling us we can’t be part of the bits of the EU we still want to be part of?”

Will this never end?

“What about the Never Ending Story? How do you think it feels to have you dragging it into a conversation it had no intention of being part of?”

What about we just stop now?

“What about you seeing through a task dozens of tax dodgers have committed years to.”

We should stop that too. On both sides of the Atlantic.

LCD Views can break great news today with a sign of intelligent life detected in the murky and very damp interior of 10 Downing Street.

“We thought it was a waste land,” explora-tory biologist Professor Fcuk told us over croissants and bumpy white coffee, “all investigations over the last couple of years have only found signs of what may once have been highly evolved organisms and a sophisticated civilisation, but they were thought to have been long extinct.”

A bit like the Martian landscape?

“Similar, but less enjoyable.”

So what’s changed?

“A repeating signal has been detected from deep inside what appears to be an ancient network of plumbing used to worship scat by whoever constructed the structure, and we’ve been able to interpret it.”

While it’s too early to tell yet if the origin of the source possesses a complex central nervous system, Professor Fcuk is tentatively hopeful.

“Fcuk, even finding something as complex as bacterial slime would be encouraging,” the professor said, “give it a few billion years and it may evolve thumbs. It would be very exciting to watch. Although it needs to get a hurry on. the Sun is expected to supernova around then. So by the time it re-evolves it maybe too late.”

But how would you expect to observe this evolution of the bacterial slime into a complex organism, as highly evolved as one that has and uses thumb? The human life span is too short.

“I’m going to upload my consciousness into the cloud. There’s not any other realistic choice because that’s how long Theresa May and the terrified lunatics surrounding her will need their desperate Customs Regulatory Alignment Period to last to have a snowflake’s chance in hell of developing any realistic, feasible and cost efficient alternatives to the babies they’re so hurriedly throwing out with the EU bathwater.”

Those babies have thumbs.

“Indeed. Seamless and frictionless ones.”

Award winning full fat love promoters The Daily Mail have shocked the nation today by uncovering a secret plot by a baby, in a famous and rather old mother’s belly, to be born.

”The baby, although it could be twins, even triplets, so let’s agree sextuplets, has been planning this in secret for months,” famous Mail hack, Ruff Cough, told us in an exclusive for us where we get the scoop on their exclusive scoop.

But what are the babies’ intentions? Surely there’s no immediate cause for concern? Babies are born all the time.

”Foreign babies who want to steal our horses are,” Cough said, “proper British babies aren’t hardly never born anymore. It’s endangering English civilisation.”

Let’s stick to the secret baby and keep away from your appalling pet topic. How long till it pulls off its treacherous plan and where is the birth to take place?

”From what we’ve uncovered the baby is to be born at the Palace of Westminster sometime in June surrounded by over six hundred grown ups, hundreds of who maybe traitors and intend to act as midwives to the babies, the saboteurs!”

The babies or the anticipated midwives?

”Oh, they are traitors to democracy!”

Which ones?

”Stop trying to trick me. We’ve uncovered the plot and the nation has been warned to defend autocracy!”

It’s not really a scoop though, or a secret gestation?

The ultrasounds have all been made public, millions of people are ready to get behind the baby and push and it has a massive presence already on social media. Not to mention the mother looks like she’ll drop any day now.

We got just an angry glare for that.

”Why are you still asking me questions? Won’t your readers have lost interest by now due to very short attention spans? Remember ours used to salivate over anti-vax stories until the pandemic in Wales and then we dropped it like we’d never touched it and no one noticed.”

Who’s the father of the baby of babies?

”Oh, no one knows who that is, just that the mother is the mother of all parliaments and any day she’s going to go into labour.”

I doubt that, Labour is unlike to form a government given it’s almost indistinguishable from the government on the issue that will be a right Victorian dad to everyone.

”Not that Labour. Labour.”

You capitalised both. Which is which?

”Piss off and go break a caps lock.”

We’ll stay right here, waiting for the baby you fear to be born. And we’re naming it government defeat in the commons.

LCD VIews can report today on the amazing scientific discoveries of Michael Gove, MP for somewhere in Surrey that needs its water tested, who has discovered that the Titanic was strengthened by contact with the iceberg.

”It’s because ice is very, very hard, especially a mountain of it with reality ridges,” Michael told a roomful of people who would otherwise have spent their time wondering when he would f*ck off.

”And I challenge anyone to disprove there is a location more strong and stable than the place the Titanic settled after contact with the iceberg all those years ago.”

Mr Gove, long recognised as the herpes raging in the fluids of the UK’s democracy, is apparently determined to multiply himself even faster by venturing into topics normally reserved for other experts.

”You can’t cure me,” he winked, “you just hope for those quiet spells inbetween my flare ups.”

Quite why Mr Gove has decided to talk with such self confidence on the matter of massive unsinkable ships that sunk is open to speculation.

”It’s because he’s aware you need to keep saying words at people so they believe them,” our bullshit artist specialist opined, “clearly the Titanic had a great big hole ripped in the side of it, sunk and masses of people died. But Mr Gove believes too little focus is given to the positive influence on British culture by the calamity. Such as the film named after the ship.”

I wouldn’t say that was a positive? The only thing accurate about that movie was that a big ship sunk.

”Yes, but, if you made it onto a life boat you survived. Like now, if you have invested your money sensible in tax havens.”

What about all the people who didn’t find a life boat, due in large part to the failure of the designers to make preparations for the obvious potential of disaster?

”You mean because the designers of the ship were too convinced of their own genius?”

A bit like Brexit.

”Well, I wouldn’t go comparing the two. Brexit has clearly strengthened the United Kingdom and made us a more welcoming place to foreigners.”

You’ve been spending too much time with Michael Gove.

”Hasn’t everybody?”

The struggling old band of British politics, the Conservative Party, have announced plans to fire up a new generation of voters by releasing a bastardised cover of a classic Meat Loaf song.

”Rock and rolling music is the way to get to the yoof,” David Davis told us while we took him on at drinking through the afternoon in a publicly subsidised bar,

“apparently decimating all the public services, being institutionally racist and limiting their future to a choice of picking fruit until a robot takes over, or staring at the wall in their parent’s basement till the age of fifty isn’t as great an offer as we figured? Who knew!”

So what are you doing then with this song?

“It’s not a song, is it? Jesus. The floor is spinning already. Your round or mine?”

Yours. It is a song.

“It can’t be. We know the kids like gammon a lot. They’re all talking about it on those electronic chat rooms, that’s what our researcher from Russia says. And they know about everyone. So we thought, why not some good old fashioned meat loaf too? Another meat has to be popular also. Hang on a minute. Bartender, bottle of Moet to celebrate ad put it on the public tab.”

So who is responsible for the project? It sounds fantastic! A total brainwave.

“We’ve given it to Rees-mogg to organise. As he’s most likely to start a politicised and highly disciplined young wing with a choir, that’s what our party psychic says, and he’s one of our youngest party members. Here’s let’s drink. And drink. The Irish border will solve itself.”

LCD Views must admit that we can’t remember much of the interview with Mr Davis after that reveal, as we were too hammered on the public purse.

But we recall it was a great session and he did tell us one or two anecdotes from his time pushing cows over in a field while hammered.

To get the rest of the detail we contacted Con HQ, where all the conning is planned, and they kindly sent us the revised lyrics for “I would do anything”, which have been reworked with a Brexit theme.

This is to help better educate potentially misinformed younger people who think the only tangible benefits of current government policy will be finding the money for a visa to go to a job interview on the continent they won’t get because they aren’t in the single market, while working out how to pay off the £50K plus debt they’re now saddled with in post-utopian, dystopian Britain.

You are encouraged to organise local singing troupes and perform the song. This will better help the government prove it still has grass roots support.

‘I will do anything for Brexit,
And you know it’s true and that’s a fact.

I would do anything for Brexit, and there’ll never be no turning back.

But I’ll never do it better than I do it with you, so long, so long,
I would do anything for Brexit
Oh, I would do anything for Brexit
I would do anything for brexit, but I won’t do that
No, no, no, I won’t do that.

Will you raise me up? Will you help me down?
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken union forged to ensure peace on the continent?
Will you make it all a little less cold as we eat out of bins?

I can do that.

I can do that. Yippee.

Will you cater to every British blue fantasy I got?
Will you hose me down with Nigel’s holy water, if I get too hot?
Will you take me places I’ve never known, like Rome, after I lose FOM?

I can do that,
Oh no, I can do that,
I know the territory, I’ve been around,
It’ll all turn to dust and we’ll all fall down with the pound.

Sooner or later you’ll be screwing around with an orange faced shitgibbon and selling out the NHS.

I won’t do that,
No, I won’t do that, you can trust me, I’m a Tory.’

The notes accompanying say they still need to adjust the accompanying music to go with the track and the lyrics need tweaking to make them more successful, like Brexit. Anyone who has the skills to do it and will work for free should contact the party, especially if you are in danger of being deported. Thank you.

The struggling old band of British politics, the Conservative Party, have announced plans to fire up a new generation of voters by releasing a bastardised cover of a classic Meat Loaf song.

”Rock and rolling music is the way to get to the yoof,” David Davis told us while we took him on at drinking through the afternoon in a publicly subsidised bar,

“apparently decimating all the public services, being institutionally racist and limiting their future to a choice of picking fruit until a robot takes over, or staring at the wall in their parent’s basement till the age of fifty isn’t as great an offer as we figured? Who knew!”

So what are you doing then with this song?

“It’s not a song, is it? Jesus. The floor is spinning already. Your round or mine?”

Yours. It is a song.

“It can’t be. We know the kids like gammon a lot. They’re all talking about it on those electronic chat rooms, that’s what our researcher from Russia says. And they know about everyone. So we thought, why not some good old fashioned meat loaf too? Another meat has to be popular also. Hang on a minute. Bartender, bottle of Moet to celebrate ad put it on the public tab.”

So who is responsible for the project? It sounds fantastic! A total brainwave.

“We’ve given it to Rees-mogg to organise. As he’s most likely to start a politicised and highly disciplined young wing with a choir, that’s what our party psychic says, and he’s one of our youngest party members. Here’s let’s drink. And drink. The Irish border will solve itself.”

LCD Views must admit that we can’t remember much of the interview with Mr Davis after that reveal, as we were too hammered on the public purse.

But we recall it was a great session and he did tell us one or two anecdotes from his time pushing cows over in a field while hammered.

To get the rest of the detail we contacted Con HQ, where all the conning is planned, and they kindly sent us the revised lyrics for “I would do anything”, which have been reworked with a Brexit theme.

This is to help better educate potentially misinformed younger people who think the only tangible benefits of current government policy will be finding the money for a visa to go to a job interview on the continent they won’t get because they aren’t in the single market, while working out how to pay off the £50K plus debt they’re now saddled with in post-utopian, dystopian Britain.

You are encouraged to organise local singing troupes and perform the song. This will better help the government prove it still has grass roots support.

‘I will do anything for Brexit,
And you know it’s true and that’s a fact.

I would do anything for Brexit, and there’ll never be no turning back.

But I’ll never do it better than I do it with you, so long, so long,
I would do anything for Brexit
Oh, I would do anything for Brexit
I would do anything for brexit, but I won’t do that
No, no, no, I won’t do that.

Will you raise me up? Will you help me down?
Will you get me right out of this godforsaken union forged to ensure peace on the continent?
Will you make it all a little less cold as we eat out of bins?

I can do that.

I can do that. Yippee.

Will you cater to every British blue fantasy I got?
Will you hose me down with Nigel’s holy water, if I get too hot?
Will you take me places I’ve never known, like Rome, after I lose FOM?

I can do that,
Oh no, I can do that,
I know the territory, I’ve been around,
It’ll all turn to dust and we’ll all fall down with the pound.

Sooner or later you’ll be screwing around with an orange faced shitgibbon and selling out the NHS.

I won’t do that,
No, I won’t do that, you can trust me, I’m a Tory.’

The notes accompanying say they still need to adjust the accompanying music to go with the track and the lyrics need tweaking to make them more successful, like Brexit. Anyone who has the skills to do it and will work for free should contact the party, especially if you are in danger of being deported. Thank you.

 

LCD Views is thrilled to have been afforded the opportunity to talk to a popular model of crash test dummy today, just before it undergoes another ‘crash the economy’ test against the customs union wall.

“I’m all strapped in. My hands are on the steering wheel,” the dummy told us, a little breathlessly, “I don’t know which why I’m supposed to turn the wheel though? I never can decide. Each time I undertake a test it leaves me with amnesia. Silly me. What a dummy!”

Don’t worry, you don’t have to steer the test car.

“Why not? But I’m in the driver’s seat.”

You just think you are.

“Now you’re confusing me. Why don’t I have to steer?”

You’re just supposed to crash into that hard, unrelenting, smashifying brick wall as hard as you can and take out as many check and balance bricks as possible!

“Oh! Even a dummy can do that!”

We know. That’s why you’re in the driver’s seat.

“I can turn right. I’m sure I can manage that. As hard right as you like?”

You’ve turned in that direction enough already. Have you seen the damage you’ve done to the test bystanders? I would suggest straightening up a lot before your repeated collisions with the reality wall lead to a heavy far left adjustment that will likely do just as much damage.

“Oh, that far left dummy is already in the car with me! In the back seat. Take a look. He thinks he’ll survive the test too. I’ve told him if I go down he’s coming with me. Did you read those articles stating that Labour shared its entire voter database with Leave EU in the later half of 2015?”

That was not a drill.

“No. Amazing. It’s like the whole test was rigged from the start. Well, here I go. Put the pedal to the medal and hit the wall as hard as you can.”

Do you ever wonder what’s on the other side of the wall?

“Oh, I’m not that big of a dummy. It’s tax havens and mountains of kleptocratic wealth determined to stew the democracies of the world to shit!”

Wow. Enjoy the ride!

“You too! You’re in the boot of the test car!.”

FFS.

The brightest and the best of British politics are to meet tomorrow to decide on the preferred option to put to the European Union again for new, post Brexit customs arrangements, having been separated into working groups to decide on options already rejected by the largest trading bloc on Earth. Because that’s how Global Britain rolls.

”I favour a great big whoosh!” said state funded economic arse-onist, Boris Johnson, “bally big fire! Forget the popcorn, bring the marshmallows!”

And while he appears to bafflingly have considerable support amongst colleagues for the ‘just set fire to the world and watch it all burn’ customs arrangements, some of his peers aren’t signed up to his plan.

“Surely we’d be better off putting the pedal to the medal and slamming the economy into the nearest tree?” Ms May, nominal head of the teams asked, “you know, use the technology available. Internal combustion engine, four wheels and a tree? Not everyone will go through the windscreen, surely?”

It’s uncertain which option will be chosen, it’s also highly possible no option will be chosen and the decision delayed again just so Ms May can continue pretending she’s the one making decisions, that she never makes.

Which is par for course for a micro-managing control freak confronted with a big picture decision with more variables than is psychologically safe for her to consider at once.

We asked the European Union what they thought of the tree or flaming zeppelin proposals for post Brexit cross border trade?

”We’ve already said no to both,” a boring foreign chap in a suit droned on relentlessly in a pragmatic way that is just putting everyone in political power in the U.K. to sleep.

So let’s not listen to them. If only they would stop ears dropping on our news and media, it’d all be so much easier. We don’t bother to learn their languages because we’re superior. What right have they to learn ours? They’re just jealous of our exceptionalism.

And all these rules based systems so people don’t destroy industries that take decades of investment and commitment to nuture? Yawn.

We next asked if perhaps the people of the United Kingdom should be tasked with deciding between slamming at full speed into a tree or falling burning and screaming to the ground in terror, or perhaps not doing either?

But John Humphrys phoned us up and shouted like the blinkered, comfortably biased old timer he now is that the PEOPLE HAD A VOTE. Past tense on the democratic front.

It’s all rather confusing. This is because the decisions about our future are being predicated on what keeps a couple of dozen f*ckwits in power a little longer and not what is best for the country. Better get the marshmallows. Or strap yourself in. Take your pick?

The fully automated prime ministerial system Maybot 9000 has issued a call for help from the 10 Downing Street water closet after becoming trapped inside with her own screams.

”We’re bloody chuffed,” IT specialist on the project, Mr R Murdoch, told LCD Views, “we didn’t even realise the Maybot 9000 was capable of turning handles, let alone succeeding in locking itself inside a water closet.”

But capable of it she is.

”It’s quite amazing. When we showcased her to the commissioning committee in 2016, we had to prove we had programmed her to push doors with pull written on them. It didn’t occur to anyone to test the AI with handles you can turn.”

But it seems the surprises keep coming, and the call for help, issued this morning was another.

”A Tory 1922 systems platform being capable of going online and utilising social media? Well, none of the actual human simulations can do that. After calling and calling for help and no one answering it seems she got inventive. Which is also odd, as she’s only programmed to use messenger pigeons. Most of those get eaten over London by falcons.

But it seems we may have accidentally produced a Terminator? If the tin can can turn doors. At least so far as civil liberties and anyone not born to inherited wealth who can just buy themselves a burgundy passport is concerned.”

So did a crew go and help her?

”What?”

Surely once the call for help was identified floating about Twitter and Facebook a team was sent to open the door?

”Well she’s locked herself in on the inside. I don’t think anyone is in a great hurry. We’re actually curious to see how long it takes for her to figure a way out of the corner she’s backed herself into.

Right now, we can see from her onboard CCTV, she’s just turning in desperate circles saying, ‘I’m sorry Dave. You ran away. I’m sorry Dave’.”

She’s apologising to someone?

”It sounds more like an accusation. She injects something about making sweet, sweet love to a pig’s face every now and then.”

So how long till she can free herself?

”Based on current performance? I’d say never. She’ll be decommissioned and serve out her long battery life as a flashing light on the turn off to a road to nowhere.”

You mean driving along the road Brexit?

”Oh, she’s already a warning about that. It’s a tangible benefit of the Maybot 9000 project. I hope people are paying attention.”