Category: Governing the people

Britain’s greatest statesman since Alfred the Great, Dominic Raab MP (for alleged vested interests) has reportedly been rushed to A&E after finally reviewing the No Deal Brexit preparations.

”It happened after that bully civil service attack dog Olly Robbins, who basically runs the government now, forced Raab to read the secret civil service files on no deal Brexit preparations while form prefect Theresa was watching.”

It appears reading what lies ahead for the rapidly dis-uniting kingdom under his own government’s incompetence, and pursuit of the demands of high net worth tax dodgers to clear out of the EU before April next year, caused Mr Raab to clench. And clench hard.

And then clench even harder still.

”And he just kept clenching tighter the deeper in he got,” our insider reports, although we are yet to corroborate their account,

“by the time he got to the hilarious idea of floating batteries in the Irish Sea he was in obvious pain,

”It’s bad enough that some schoolboy schooled him on the scuppering of democratic legitimacy because of the criminality in the opinion poll, he should not then have been faced with the deliberate idea of killing off diabetics to ease NHS budget pressures. He almost got a nosebleed before the parliamentary select committee for Executing the U.K. as it was,

”He should have been sent home to recover with his favourite game of kick the can and given the rest of the week off.”

And it seems even if NHS professionals are successful in their presumed plan to jam him full of laxatives and some sort of loosening device, the damage will be done.

”The other boys are already calling him ‘the sphinxter’ now. It’s a nickname I fear will stick and presumably have a Pavlovian impact. It’s likely he’ll never be able to crap himself freely again, which for a Secretary of State for Brexit, that could lead to permanent disability.”

Wait until ATOS get a hold of him.

UK prime minister Theresa May Wednesday issued an open invitation to the two Russian suspects in the Salisbury “Novichok” poisoning case to take over the UK’s negotiations to leave the European Union.

“As with the Salisbury poisonings negotiating a successful Brexit is a job which requires both a killer instinct and extreme discretion,” said May speaking to reporters outside 10 Downing street dressed in a fetching navy blue Hazmat suit and contrasting Hermes scarf.

Mrs May added that she had already passed Boris Johnson’s home address to the two Russian fugitives and would be assessing their performance before allowing them to proceed over the head of current Brexit minister Dominic Raab, to Brussels to deal with Messers Barnier and Junkers.

“I’ve instructed Dominic to “duck”, if he doesn’t think that’s his look out,” she added.

The two suspects, who on their last visit to the UK were travelling on passports naming them as “Alexander Petrov” and “Ruslan Boshirov” were unavailable for comment Wednesday having returned to Russia on an Aeroflot flight on March 4th, and disappeared.

Explaining that the Wiltshire Police had issued an Interpol red bulletin for their arrest May suggested that she was certain that the offer of untold riches for delivering a successful Brexit complete with unicorns, would be sufficient to tempt the two fugitives out of hiding.

“We’ve already said what riches the country can expect in return for voting for Brexit, and if successful our negotiators will be guarantees a generous, but as yet “untold”  share,” she said, crossing her fingers behind he back.

Responding to questions from reporters as to whether two Russian KGB operatives would be the best people in whom to trust the UK’s future economic relations with the EU, May was adamant.

“My good friend Donald, assures me that Russian government employees are completely trustworthy and were very effective in their management of his successful election campaign,” she smirked.

Disgraced former House of Cards star Kevin Spacey was last night admitted to A&E near his Santa Monica home following what responders described as a “failed Nike burning incident”.

The 59 year old actor was allowed to return home after treatment for what a hospital spokesman described as a badly burned character and serious smoke damage to what had once been, if not a spotless reputation, certainly a high professional standing.

Spacey himself claimed he did not remember the incident but said that if it did happen it was likely “deeply inappropriate drunken behaviour” for which he offered a sincere apology.

There was no information on the model or condition of the Nike shoes involved in the incident.

Speaking to LCD Views Sid Hudgens, long time editor of Hollywood scandal mag “Hush Hush” commented that it was no secret in tinsel town that Mr Spacey had long lived his life according to the Nike slogan of “Just Do It”.

“You could say that’s where all his problems started,” he said.

Spacey has kept an extremely low public profile since allegations of sexual impropriety led to his sacking from Netflix and the hiring of long forgotten 70s TV star Fozzy Bear to re-shoot his starring role in the Ridley Scott movie  ‘All the Money in the World’.

However following the decision by the Los Angeles district Attorney’s office not to prosecute Spacey for an accusation of a sexual assault dating to 1992, he is believed to have been offering to audition for new roles.

A spokesman for Adidas denied that Spacey had approached the company offering to be the face of a new advertising campaign for the re-launch of its Lawsuit II model of outdoor sports shoe.

“That’s complete bollocks,” he said.
“But if you’d like to go on spreading it so we can continue to issue high profile denials and benefit from the extensive free publicity, we certainly won’t complain,” he added.  

The German capital of Berlin breathed a collective sigh of relief Saturday as  Irish mega bores U2 were forced to halt their performance in the city’s Olympic Stadium after lead singer Bongo allegedly lost his voice.

In a statement issued after the band left the stage U2 apologised for the cancellation which they blamed on a dodgy pint of lager and a Currywurst the be-stetsoned Bongo had consumed prior to the gig, which had stripped him of the ability to wail at high volume.

The stupidly rich band  promised they’d be back to complete their set just as soon as their accountants had managed to write of the extra expense as a tax loss, via whatever tiny former UK island colony they’re channelling their earnings through this week.

However spectators at the stadium built for the 1936 “Nazi” Olympics, were quick question whether the band’s disappearance from the stage might have been down to Bongo taking umbrage at the less than enthusiastic response of the German crowd.

“He’d just launched into the chorus of ‘I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For’ when someone at the front yelled out ‘Well why don’t you f*ck off somewhere else and look for it then’,” explained rock fan Irmin Schmidt, who had been seated two rows from the front.

As those around started sniggering uncontrollably, Bongo suddenly stopped singing, consulted with one of the crew, and then marched offstage followed by the rest of the group, explained Schmidt.

Adding that whoever it was Bongo spoke to was wearing a rather dull grey suit and carrying calculator.

“He looked more like a financial consultant than a roadie,” he added.

A spokesman for U2’s record label, Island Sunday denied reports that the band were now working on a cover version of 4′33″  by experimental American composer John Cage.

The original score for the piece instructs musicians to do precisely nothing for the allotted four minutes thirty-three seconds., with the “music” being provided solely by ambient background noise.

However commenting on the reports Elliot Trailer-Parks, editor in exile of bankrupt former music paper Melody Maker suggested that a shift from the traditional rock genre into experimental classical music could be just the thing to boost U2’s global appeal.

“Successfully extending the Cage piece over an entire album, or concert, would enable them to reach an entire new audience who’d currently rather gnaw their own legs off than listen to a single U2 song,” he mused.

Sentenced to hang for a crime you didn’t commit?

You’d be forgiven for jumping at any chance of a reprieve, especially if new evidence appears which completely exonerates you of guilt.

That though is just the response that death-row convict Tommy Atkins, HASN’T shown since a new forensic report has emerged proving conclusively that he isn’t, A TRAITOR.

Atkins was last year convicted of treason, based on charges that he had consorted with foreign powers, namely the self styled “European Union”, to undermine the sovereign authority of the UK parliament and inflict irreparable damage on the UK economy, a crime which carries the ultimate penalty.

It was an open and shut case. Prosecuting barrister Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg STFU, UHOA and bar, produced witness after witness who could testify to the guilt of the defendant.

Most damning was evidence from a Mr B Johnson of Westminster who pointed out that:

“NAPOLEON and HITLER tried to conquer Europe and the EU is doing the same just using different methods. And that TRAITOR ATKINS is helping them.”

Tearful observers noted that the black cap was donned, and pencil broken there and then.

But now, new evidence contained in whole shelf of secret reports prepared by political scientists and economic experts proves, beyond all reasonable doubt, that membership of this union, neither undermines government sovereignty, nor inflicts damage onthe economy.

Indeed, they show quite the opposite, that the government has always held the right of veto over all EU legislation, and the United Kingdom economy benefits from this membership to a quite staggering degree.

Far from committing treason, the report shows, Atkins, was in fact demonstrating his patriotism.

Atkins himself however, has remained unmoved by evidence that should save him from the gallows.

“The jury has delivered its verdict, the rope has been bought and the trap door oiled – the warders deserve their paid overtime and a lifetime of regret,” he adds explaining that he understands perfectly the feelings of the man in the street who cares little for justice, and just wants to see full value for his tax money.

“That thought will be of great comfort as I slowly strangle to death under my own weight having lost control of my bladder and bowels,” he smiles.

Commenting on the  new evidence, the presiding judge, Lord Michael “string-em-up” Gove was equally unmoved.

“Frankly I think everyone has had quite enough of experts,” he said, ordering a second bottle of Chablis to go with the most agreeable salmon he had just been served in the dining room of his club.

“It may take as long as 50 years for Tommy Atkins to feel the benefit of cruel British injustice, but when he does he will realise it has all been worthwhile,” he smirked, slurping unceremoniously on his tankard of Grand Cru..

Making plans for Nigel? Ecstacy. The oxymoronic bigmouth has vowed to bravely run away.

Sitting on the fence in a shy, retiring way, as opposed to his normal bluster, Farage was initially coy about whether to stand or scarper. “Certain people have encouraged me to get lost,” he admitted. “But I haven’t made my mind up yet. I still have a cushy number on LBC and seven months of drawing my salary as an MEP.”

But the man who campaigned so hard to ensure he lost his job is demonstrating that unique talent again. He is now poised to flunk the opportunity to become London’s Mayor in triumph. What persuaded him to get off the fence? “Splinters in the bum,” he revealed.

“Who wants to be London Mayor, anyway?” he spouted. “The post attracts idiots, chancers, and Sadiq Khan. The Inflatable Mayor! Can you believe, he is allowing them to fly a satirical balloon mocking him? Like they did with my old mate Donald Trump, whom incidentally I’ve never met? He’s let himself down!”

Nigel is reliably full of hot air. Puffed up with his own importance, he blew his audience away breezily. “Gone with the wind, that’s my motto,” he insisted. “I’m thinking of becoming UKIP leader again, just so I can resign in protest.”

His face was a picture. One that nobody wanted to buy.

Farage insisted that he could never win the all-important backing of the People of the Metropolis. “London is far too multicultural these days,” he protested. “Multicultural people elect a multicultural Mayor. London is at Breaking Point. You can see what chaos ensues when you allow People in from all over the world and give them a Great British vote. A normal, typical, entitled, middle-aged white bloke doesn’t stand a chance these days, so I’m doing a runner for the good of the capital!”

Exit Mr Brexit. Stage right. Pursued by a bear, with any luck.

Brexit minister Dominic Raab Monday confirmed that UK satnav systems will stop working after a “Hard Brexit”, unless the government manages to negotiate a special dispensation to continue using the European Galileo satellite navigation system.

“We paid over €1 billion as our share of the development and operational costs of Galileo so by rights we should be able to continue using it,” he said complaining that Brussels was invoking a clause in the contract for Galileo which blocks it from being used by most, but not all, non EU members.

“Norwegian fishermen can use it for hunting whales, even though Norway isn’t a member of the EU and Wales is, but after March 29th British minicab drivers will be forced to drive blind,” he said.

Raab accepted that after Brexit there are likely to be fewer EU nationals driving minicabs meaning there is a greater chance of drivers actually knowing where they are going without cheating.

However he warned that the government is considering taking retaliatory action such as  removing all the road signs in the south east of England to confuse lorry drivers arriving from the continent, and painting fluorescent monster faces on the inside of the channel tunnel to scare arriving tourists.

“Fair’s fair..” he explained.

Raab also confirmed that road atlases based on Ordnance Survey maps, will continue to work, but those from continental publishers such as France’s Michelin, or Germany’s Euro Atlas will need to be destroyed as they are marked in kilometres,

“We will be arranging door to door collection, to prevent further possible watering down of our domestic mile denominated maps,” he explained.

Commenting on news of the satnav ban, prime minister in waiting Jacob Rees-Mogg suggested that this was just the sort of typical Brussels duplicity that had brought the UK to leave the European Union.

“How very dare they think that just because they have an agreement with us, they have the right to enforce it,” he purred, adding that Brussels may have inadvertently shot itself in the foot.

“They think they can scupper Brexit by endlessly wittering on about the Irish border – but without satnav no one will be able to find it – problem solved,” he smirked, oleaginously.

Privatisation is the answer to everything. So, in a move which has surprised most commentators, the stalled Brexit negotiations have been outsourced to G4S.

Government duty flunkey Derry Liction explained the position to LCD Views. “The private sector delivers results cheaply and efficiently,” he prevaricated. “This is a move designed to make a success of negotiations, avoid the costs, and most of all wash our hands of all responsibility for it.”

Why G4S? After all, they couldn’t do a very good job of running Birmingham Prison.

“On the contrary,” countered Liction. “They did an excellent job. Their job was to make the prison act as a deterrent. So the reports of drugs, vomit, cockroaches and rats are all correct, and part of the strategy. Prisoners are in fear for their lives. It’s all good. After all, prisons are not meant to be holiday camps!”

In that case, why has Birmingham Prison been taken over again by the government?

“It’s the fault of hand-wringing do-gooder Guardian-reading snowflakes,” said Liction grumpily. “Some so-called bleeding-heart liberal whinger found out about it and created a stink. Well, there was outrage, so something had to be done. Don’t worry, the boys at G4S will be richly compensated for this unfortunate downturn in their business.”

What makes G4S a suitable Brexit negotiator?

“As I said, they bring good value for money,” he said. “They know what they are doing. What we need is security. Like, Oi, Germany, you ain’t coming in ‘ere with trainers on! Oi, France, bog off, come back when you’re young and pretty! Hey Spain, castanets are banned and so are you mate! If they want to come into this country they have to respect the dress code and British customs.”

Like getting bladdered on watered-down lager and picking a fight with anyone who looks vaguely foreign?

“Quite,” said Liction smugly. “They will capitulate in no time. It’s that simple.”

What could possibly go wrong?

Privately-run Strangeways Prison in Manchester, announced Tuesday that it has taken over the Government of the United Kingdom after executives concluded that “drastic action” was needed to address failings in administration as the, increasingly rat infested, country teeters towards a “no deal” Brexit.

Officials from operators “Strangeways Plc”, confirmed early Monday that trained prison offers and security officers had been sent into 10 Downing Street, parliament, and all major ministries following concerns over safety, security and the future economic well being of the country taking advantage of the fact that having sent parliament into recess, Theresa May, most of her cabinet and even Brexit hard liners like Boris Johnson, had all buggered off on holiday until September.

Strangeways CEO, Frank Boddington said: “We have the spectacle of a government relaxing in the idyllic setting of their Tuscany summer houses while the country plunges off an economic cliff. We had no choice but to intervene and bring our expertise to bear on the situation.”

According to Boddington with over a decade of experience of running one of the UK’s toughest prisons, Strangeways is ideally equipped to take over running the entire country.

“We feed clothe, house and care for hundreds of the most dangerous people in the country, managing a country of angry proles, eating from food banks will be a doddle – there’ll be no food and medicine shortages on our watch,” he promised.

Boddington explained, that once a planned overhaul of the tax system has been fully implemented and super rich tax evaders limited to a weekly income of £4.60 plus a small tin of rolling tobacco and a packet of Rizlas, there will be plenty of resources to fund the NHS and all other public services.

“And if any potential tax dodgers think they can slip away unnoticed to a convenient tax haven, they’d better think again,” he warned, explaining out that the prison, which celebrates its 150th anniversary this year had never experienced a single successful break out.

“Unless we include those via the execution block on B wing,” he winked, pointing out that equally no one had ever succeeded in breaking into Strangeways, making his prison the ideal body to administer immigration policy.

However the shock move came in for strong criticism from self appointed next prime minister in waiting, the right honourable Sir Jacob Rees Mogg, UHOA, STFU, and bar.

Sir Rees-Mogg pointed out that other than managing a closed environment, from which entry and exit were strictly monitored, maintaining law and order, discipline, health and safety and keeping to strict budgetary limits, a private prison company simply doesn’t have the experience or the skill set to manage an entire country plunging headfirst into penury and despotism.

Speaking from his newly opened hedge fund headquarters, in the 40th floor penthouse office suite of O’Rees-Mogg towers, Dublin Sir Jacob O’Rees-Mogg was adamant.

” There’s only one company that can successfully manage to help the United Kingdom realise its destiny as a badly run, impoverished third world prison camp, and that’s, Tory Party PLC, run by me, he crowed adding that it must be true because his nanny agrees.

“And Nanny Bannon is always right, far, far right,” he smirked.