Jeremy Corbyn is wasting no time, which is unusual, in responding to his colleague Theresa May’s naked grab for his own support base.

In an op-ed piece published exclusively in the new look Daily Mail today he makes his own appeal for support from Conservative voters.

”Who was it that called for the immediate trigger of Article 50 after the June 23rd 2016 EU referendum?”

He begins on the front foot.

”Who was it that three line whipped his MPs to trigger Article 50, acting as ally to a beleaguered prime minister in this matter? Before, and this is very important to understand, any serious analysis or preparation of the implications of the decision had been undertaken by the government it is my job to hold to account in our adversarial parliamentary system.”

He follows with a left jab.

”Indeed, who was it who denied their own party whip to vote for an EU ref in 2011, alongside my allies on the Tory benches. Even though we were unsuccessful then, we didn’t give up on Brexit. We fought on.”

He lands a blow some will call low.

”And who is it now who has carried on with ‘constructive ambiguity’ on Brexit even as the jobs and investment and skilled people drain away from the United Kingdom, alongside our internal reputation.”

Good questions.

”My supporters say I can’t do anything about Brexit because I am not in government. For this reason I have also dropped my opposition to austerity and universal credit. Because I can’t do anything about it but watch passively as the Tories tear our social fabric to shreds. I am powerless. But I am also your friend.”

He then completes his appeal with a head butt.

”If you examine my record properly on Brexit, my conservative friends, you will find a natural home for the euroskeptic in today’s modern, 1970’s Labour Party. By pledging to end freedom of movement and withdraw from the single market, your Labour Party, led by me, has succeeded in assisting the Conservatives in throwing the lives of millions into turmoil on either side of the channel,

So in the general election pegged for this December, vote for me, your very own bad Santa.”

Theresa May (Extreme Tory) PM is set to appeal for support from Labour and centre voters by continuing to deny they even exist.

”It’s important to get on with the job of governance,” Mr Stock Holm, an aide to the PM, told LCD Views, “this is made a touch difficult after alienating all your support.”

But…

”But by denying the existence of the centre of British politics (evidenced by every policy decision taken since 2016), and the ground to the left and right, we can do that more fully by tapping into the voters on the far right. Which curiously means Labour voters currently as Labour leaders are also supporting the far right by pursuing Brexit.”

But that is not all?

”They share the most memes. The extremes. Theye are good at memes. Also, by appealing to Labour, it makes governing easier, because most active Labour activists are really bloody easy to distract,

”Start a story that the “leader” planted an illegal variety of turnip in his allotment that is only found in a Soviet era gulag and they’ll obsess over that smear for weeks. This leaves us free to continue our policy of making everything required to run society user pays, while still increasing taxes by stealth for those who can’t evade them. Of course many users can’t pay. This allows Darwinian forces to rid us of the lazy.”

The appeal to Labour and the centre will be made directly via editorials in right wing, tax dodger owned tabloid, propaganda rags.

”It’s sure to hit home. With the far right. Which are supported by the far left. As the centre doesn’t exist, proven by the loss of our majority in the 2017 GE, and the surge of green and orange voteshare at the local elections, we’ll be able to govern by further dodgy deals with minority forces in British politics. This will make our policies more extreme, which will further appeal to the far right. And distract the far left. Making them more vitriolic and less likely to attract swing, centre support. This is fine as the centre doesn’t exist. This all makes perfect sense.”

But what of the danger from the far left of British politics also denying the centre doesn’t exist?

”Oh, Yes, it’s a risk alright. Good old comrade Corbs and his policy of also leaving the single market to stop all those job thieves crossing the English Channel, he is also denying the centre exists. He’s also alienating his support slowly. But he’s pleasing the far right. But it will be okay, if we can just cling onto power long enough a lot of his voters will get fed up and won’t know who to vote for at all. Which is alright, for the far right.”

Who no one is denying the existence of?

”Clearly. As Brexit means Brexit and that’s a policy that unites. As you can see, it’s all very straightforward. We both main parties committed to Brexit there is no need for an actual policy fight.”

In a shock announcement, the next series of Strictly Come Dancing will include dancing robots. Appearing alongside C3PO, Kryten, K-9 and Marvin, will be the Maybot 2.0©.

Insiders reveal that the Maybot 2.0© will dance the cha-cha-cha to the tune of Dancing Queen. Strictly judge Yubin Tangoed remarked, “It’s a brave new era for Strictly. The new range of automatons can dance at least as well as the average numpty who once appeared in series two of TOWIE.”

A battalion of programmers is reputedly on standby. The Maybot 2.0© is capable of repetitive, if clichéd, moves. In order to win, something resembling soul and rhythm will need to come to the fore.

“Soul and rhythm do not come naturally to the Maybot 2.0©,” said automaton designer Rob Ottix. “It was a GPS prototype. That’s Genuine Political Speaker, by the way.”

The Maybot 2.0©’s voice sequencer was based upon that utilised for years by Professor Stephen Hawking. It has a female voice equally devoid of nuance and inflection. Earlier models (e.g. the Maybot 1.3©) ran on wheels, like R2D2. One witty designer dubbed it “T2M2”. However walking technology was utilised, with some success. “Even so, the Maybot 2.0© walks like a constipated giraffe,” remarked Ottix.

The breakthrough came after a designers’ party at which they consumed large quantities of soft drinks and played Dungeons And Dragons. “The sugar caused the winners to spontaneously perform a dance,” revealed Ottix. “And we thought, we could programme the Maybot 2.0© to dance! What a night. By 5am the sugar had worn off, but the Maybot 2.0© could dance. Well, sort of.”

“Unfortunately, its movements were still rather jerky and uncoordinated,” Ottix continued. “However, we had set ourselves a deadline because Strictly entries had to be made later that morning. So there was no time to refine the algorithms.”

The Maybot 2.0© believes that it can win. In this case, though, it may truly be that No Dance is better than a Bad Dance.

“A No Deal Brexit risks the dead killed by austerity rising and walking again,” warned Phillip Hammer Them Hammond, UK’s head undertaker, in an exclusive interview with LCD Views today.

”We didn’t drive people mad, sad and bad with eight years of punish the poor, right wing, misguided financial punishment, so we didn’t have to go after our friends the casino bankers and tax dodgers,  just to ruin it all now by turning the people we drove into an early grave into a battalion of Lazarus.”

The Undertaker paused, smiled, perhaps wistfully for the early years.

”I remember how my heart sang when George Osborne began shaming the poor, the unemployed, the curtain twitchers. Let’s give them communal shame. That’ll improve the stats.”

He suddenly cupped his hands, as if waiting to catch rain drops.

”The bedroom tax was a master stroke. People with more spare rooms than they could count on both hands taking away box rooms from families in social housing. Just evil genius. Got to clear the slums so you can gentrify and sell untapped inner London suburbs to overseas investors. Think of the short term gains!”

He rubbed his hands over his face. Supplication before an inner God.

”And inheritance millionaires privatising alcohol and drug rehabilitation services. Every misery now an avenue to funnel wealth from the needy to the hidden coffers of the wealthy. It was orgiastic. Dance for your God! Dance!”

But now?

”Now the spectre of a No Deal Brexit risks all of this. The overgrown mounds on the graves of the people we’ve destroyed with ATOS and universal credit opening with hands from in the earth, the spiralling ash clouds from the incendiary cremation fires, spinning in reverse from the sky and reforming the unwanted we drove out, all of them to walk again because of a No Deal Brexit.”

It will not do.

“It will not do. You don’t do all that to transfer wealth up in a flood, not a trickle, just to watch Brexit capital flight ruin my beautiful tables of numbers. No Deal Brexit risks us having to raise a penny of tax on wealth to fund MPs next payraises.”

It will not do!

”It will not do,” he shook his head and made a wringing motion with his hands as if throttling a dread.

The BBC has announced it is to air a special so Brexit voting baby boomers can tell how they survived the Blitz, by way of helping encourage younger voters to build morale for a No Deal Brexit.

The ten part series will screen on all BBC stations, TV and digital, during the run up to Christmas this year, with special radio adaptations for broadcast on BBC radio stations.

”It’ll finally give the demographic that supports Brexit the most a voice,” BBC Director of Programming Rupert Banks-Putin-Farage told LCD Views, “it’s high time this little understood demographic, that suffered so much for the opportunities millennials now enjoy, are given a platform.”

As part of the publicity build up to the series we have been shown exclusive access to some of the content and allowed to describe passages below.

”It wasn’t like this when I was a lad,” A. Gammon says, standing in his villa on the Costa Del Sol, “we didn’t have the problem they have here of all these bloody immigrants lowering the tone of my choice location to retire.”

A. Gammon goes on to describe the formative conditions of his early life.

”I was celebrating my fourth, or fifth birthday with my family. It must have been 1959 or 1960. Of course my time was usually spent at the front, I was involved in the Battle of Little Bighorn,

”That was one of the seismic moments of WW2. My younger sister was out volunteering at a munitions factory. This was why my elder siblings, the ones who weren’t old enough to be in the trenches at Sevastopol, held the party for me.”

A. Gammon pauses, shaking his head in recollection.

”I recall seeing the cupcake that was my birthday cake being carried into the dining room. The table was just a wooden crate, which doubled as the bed for me and my grandparents.”

He pauses again.

”Tell a lie. It was just my grandfather, myself and a neighbour using the crate to sleep in at night. When we could. The air raid sirens were relentless. My grandmother was away, working in the baggage train at Agincourt.”

He smiles and points to a long bow hung on the wall.

”She was promoted before the end of the battle by Henry V himself. She was captain of an archery squad before finally succumbing to dysentery.”

A. Gammon shrugs.

”The rocket blew up our neighbour’s house four cities away. The percussion from the blast rippled through the icing on my cake. I’ll never forget it. We still ate the cake of course. What could you do? You had to make the best of things,

“You had a properly funded state education, including university, the  invention of the pill and a well resourced NHS to wade through. This is why I voted to Leave the tyrannical EU. The sacrifice I paid for freedom. Most young people don’t understand what myself and others went through to provide them with £50K plus a year, interest bearing tuition and an NHS that will be entirely owned by American private healthcare by this Saturday.”

The next clip was of J. Cordson. He was interviewed wearing his favourite gardening corduroys and turning over ground in his allotment.

”I remember the pain of thinking I’ll never get to live a revolution like the Cuban one at home. It just felt so unfair. I missed the Russian one because I was asleep. I’d made a lot of jam that day and I was tired.,

”The Chinese one I missed because I was singlehandedly resolving the conflict between a local council and their thought criminal MP. And how different North Korea would have turned out with a proper insurgency into the ruling party? Moderate traitors have ruined that party.

“I missed the actual revolution there because I was organising a series of small, town hall meetings in Hertfordshire. This is why I voted for Brexit. The rights the tyrannical EU forces onto ordinary citizens, its undemocratic. It’ll run headfirst into my plans to re-nationalise gulags for thought crime. I won’t stand for it,

“I didn’t sacrifice nearly four decades being paid out of the public purse to get no legislation on the books at all, just to watch the chance to stop pretending I give a fig about representative, parliamentary democracy slip away now. As any of my grassroots activists will tell you, there is agreeing with us 100% of the time on every single issue, or there is being a Tory. There’s nothing in between, well, except Brexit, that’s a bridge clearly between the far left and far right. We’ve just got to see who makes the omlette after all the eggs are broken. Mind your feet there, don’t squash my marrows.”

At the end of the series famous democrat John Redwood will make a direct appeal, alongside Boris Johnson and Iain Duncan Smith, to the public to really feel the testimonies they’ve heard, get behind Brexit, and push it over the line.

”After they’ll sacrifice a child,” Rupert adds, “because by the time we get there the Blitz spirit will have been replaced by the Aztec. Hopefully we’ll be televising that too.”

Boris Johnson Friday launched his self styled “ALT-BREXIT” plan for taking the UK out of the European Union, with a typically grandiose stunt.

Clad in nothing but red white and blue striped Speedos and flashing V for victory signs Johnson launched himself from Lambeth pier in an attempt to swim the Thames and deliver his cling film wrapped plan, to a bemused Theresa May sipping chai latté on the House of Commons terrace.

A copy of the plan published on the Facebook page “Boris Johnson for Prime Minister” consisted of five bullet points:

1. Make Boris Johnson Prime Minister
2. Ask nice President Trump to make Brussels give us a good Brexit deal
   
3. Unicorns!
4. F*ck Ireland
5. Build my shrubbery bridge as a tribute to my enormous success in freeing Britain from the shackles of Europe, and strap David Cameron naked to the southern end where he can be pelted with rotting fruit. 

However the stunt backfired as the outgoing tide swept him downstream, still clutching his self penned plan between his teeth.

The Thames estuary coastguard, Friday afternoon issued a warning to shipping regarding what they described as a “large gas-filled blubber like mass “ seen floating past Gravesend in the direction of Canvey Island.

“The mass in question is believed to be highly corrosive and liable to explode with rage if it any point it ceases to the centre of attention, and should thus be avoided at all costs,” the statement read.

The white Beluga whale which was this week reported to have taken up residence in the Thames estuary issued a strenuous denial of any involvement in the stunt and denied reports that it had been involved in any attempts to rescue Johnson.

Long time Canvey Island resident and former Dr Feelgood guitarist Wilko Johnson (No relation) confirmed to LCD Views that he has seen his namesake floating past “Down By the Jetty”, but given Johnson B’s “Stupidity”, he too had made no attempt to rescue him.

“Let’s face it, he’s never ‘done anything right’,” he laughed, twitching and staring maniacally into the middle distance.

Fantastic news today for a country now dedicated to the wisdom of penny wise and pound foolish macroeconomic wonderstuffing with the announcement from the Palace of Westminster that they are going to save millions anally by keeping the lights in House of Come Off It! permanently switched off.

”No one is ever home anyway,” Mr Cranium, superintendent at HoC, told LCD Views,

“even when the old joint is heaving with MPs desperately voting for whatever so they can nip down to a taxpayer subsidised lunch, before all the creme brûlée is gone, you couldn’t say anyone was home, no matter how frantically the fluoro lights are buzzing.”

The cost saving measure is timely too, with MPs about to return to work (using the word loosely) after having pissed away several months avoiding their constitutionally stipulated work of careful governance.

”See how much the executive has gotten done while the lights have been off? They’ve created a whole new minister! Food security and ration app creation. And they dreamt up Chequers! They couldn’t have gotten that done stumbling around the HoC in the dark of their thoughts, bumping into each other all the time. Blowflies against window panes.”

The money saved will be put to good use too.

”Stockpiling mostly, for when the government succeeds in making a success of Brexit and Light Globe Britain strides forth onto the seas to introduce itself to puzzled heads of state wondering what the fcuk happened to the old Britain.”

And what will be stockpiled?

”Incandescent light bulbs. Mostly they’ll be suspended over the MPs’ heads to symbolise just how damn clever they were to think about appointing a food supply minister before intentionally breaking our food supply chains. That’s forward planning right there, that is. They can turn the bulbs on when they have another bright idea. We don’t expect that’ll add to the lighting bill at all.”

There has been considerable speculation about the Beluga whale that found its way up the Thames earlier this week. Now the truth has been revealed. It turns out that senior members of the conservative party are looking to set up their own means of caviar production in the event of a no-deal Brexit.

Speaking at a press conference, Theresa May said:

“Look, after Brexit, of course there’s going to be a shortage of food so it’s important that rich people can continue to enjoy luxury foods, and caviar is one of the chief symbols of that status, so naturally it’s one of our top priorities.”

A processing factory has already been put into operation to keep the supply coming.

For once Jacob Rees-Mogg was one hundred per cent behind her.

“She’s absolutely doing the right thing, enabling the rich to continue living in opulence.”

When asked if the top priority should actually be the basic necessities to feed the masses, not just a few snobs, Mr Rees-Mogg laughed and said:

“Oh don’t be silly. If a few million plebs have to die because they can’t get some meat then that’s just bad luck, but you can’t expect people like us to do without our caviar surely? That would be ridiculous. How will nanny feed me dinner if my silver spoon is ligula argento vacua.”

The conviction with which he said this left this reporter in no doubt as to his sincerity to this cause clearly so close to what passes for his heart.

Somehow still prime minister Theresa May is to offer the people a ‘People’s Vote’ on her soon to be negotiated EU deal, versus cancelling Brexit and remaining in the EU.

The shock news comes ahead of the looming Conservative Party Conference, to be held in Stirling this year, and is intended to…

”Stop Boris screwing about with the sign behind her when she speaks this year,” strategic consultant to the PM, Mr Strategy, told LCD Views.

It’s believed the offer to confirm the will of the people prior to the greatest constitutional change to the U.K. since WW2 is being done because at the end of the day democracy is the most important thing. And yes, in spite of what some curious (curious in the sense of being idiots) people seem to believe, offering the people a confirmatory vote is more democracy, not less.

”It’ll also completely blindside the dumb old trots running Labour for a while, who are just playing politics with Brexit,” Mr Strategy said, “unlike ourselves who are just running scared of some homegrown swivelled eyed sociopaths we stupidly stuck blue rosettes on. Oh, and the Russians, we’ve taken far too much of their money. You wouldn’t believe how compromised we are as a party. It’s terrifying.”

Quite what the Labour leadership will make of the offer is not yet certain, but an insider with an ear inside their ruling Council of Ministers gave us the following, off the record, quote,

”A People’s Vote, without ruling out remain, that is not in the prime minister’s gift. That is solely the preserve of Labour and other jams. We’ll sue for intellectual property theft. This completely fcuking blindsides us strategically. It’s not on. We get to stare into the maw of the political gifthorse of Brexit as long as we fcuking well please! We call the shots. The Tories are finished.”

If Labour doesn’t seize the day, or carp and diem, as JRM might say, I wouldn’t be surprised if the savage strategists in the Tory Party, who know how to cling to power (even if it’s only to make people starve), take the gifthorse away.

The steering committee at Labour’s annual conference in Liverpool has confirmed that it has allocated time for a debate as to whether seating arrangements in the main conference hall should be altered prior to any further debate on Brexit.

Committee spokesperson Loretta Beckence confirmed that the committee recognised that the Labour party is a broad church and that members have the right to disagree.

“For that reason we need to ensure that anyone opposing Jeremy’s decision to leave the European Union should only be allowed to sit at the back of the hall, preferably on the floor, bound and gagged,” she explained.

“They need to understand that their ideology of free thought and open debate is dead in the water and being forced down by the giant foot of popular historical Momentum,” she added explaining that those who failed to support the Corbyn leadership’s commitment to free speech and open debate will be purged.

“Like the half-digested Blairite scum that they are,” she added.

Labour’s shadow chancellor John McDonnell confirmed to waiting reporters that neither the debate on seating arrangements nor any debate on Brexit itself would include any discussion on whether or not Brexit should actually go ahead.

“The people have spoken, and to do anything other than implement their will on the positioning of furniture or leaving the EU, would be a betrayal of the democratic process,” he snarled.

McDonnell declined to respond to questions as to whether at the next general election he would be seeking to overturn the will of the people that signally failed to come even close to electing Labour at the last three elections in 2010, 2015 and 2017, and in 2005 elected Labour as a single party government with only 35% of the vote, the lowest vote count recorded by a winning party in a general election.

“As Chinese communist leader Humpty Dumpty so rightly put it ‘When I use a word it means just what I choose it to mean – neither more nor less’,” he sneered.