Category: Governing the people

A woman who should know better has spoken exclusively to LCD Views today in the hope of convincing everyone to rot away their brains.

She says she scrapes the mould off her jam and uses it for a brain and you should do it too.

”Not just your brain, your conscience too,” she adds, “you find doing ghastly things to people based on little more than their accident of birth and/or skin colour is incredibly easy once you allow mould to make all the difficult life choices for you.”

The frank admission is welcome and helps explain much of the record of ghastly, costly, xenophobic and downright bonkers decisions she has taken in nearly a decade of holding high office.

”Once we all have a mouldy brain then we can all reshape the United Kingdom in the image of mycotoxin. The toxins we’ll produce will make dominating the world anew much simpler as we’ll more easily overcome anyone we touch.”

But how do you do it?

”It’s quite simple once you get the hang of it,” she says, “you simply take a butter knife, find a jar of jam with mould on the top, scrape off the jam and then repeatedly jam the mould smeared flat of the knife against your forehead while repeating an incantation.”

What is the incantation?

”Red, white and blue Brexit. Hubble bubble. I am going to make a success of it. Hocus pocus. Let my brain be made of mould found on jam. Abracadabra.”

See, so simple any idiot can do it.

Great news today for lovers of fiscal policy tightening by government with the announcement that HMG is to create “The Graylings”, gongs for the Secretary of State, and other ministers, who waste the most public money annually.

”It’s pretty much open season on the public finances,” our Downing Street insider reveals, “we know we’re running out of time in seeming control of the country and its finances, so it’s grab as much cash as you can before the sheriff rides into town and we have to scarper for the hills. All those non-exec positions on the boards of companies that have benefitted massively from our policy decisions, while having a pad next to Dave “trotters” Cameron in Nice.”

But why waste time creating the Graylings? Surely you’ve got more pressing things to do?

”We want our legacy to last long after we’ve finished doing the work of 55 Tufton Street. The Grayling award will help with that. Automatic elevation to the Lords and a £350m pot to the winner annually. Sweet.”

Other awards are also planned.

”The Chope, a pin on your lapel star for the most regressive and morally repulsive MP, to be awarded weekly, as it’s such a crowded field,

”The Mays, for the public servant hell bent on a path regardless of how much evidence has piled up that it’s insane; that public money isn’t going to find its way into private pockets via catastrophe without a good push from the top you know!”

I hear there’s talk too of the Johnson, what’s that one?

“That’s in honour of man of the moment, bastion of piffle paffle and casual racism himself, Boris Johnson.”

What’s the entry criteria to be in the running for a Johnson?

”Easy, you just need to be the biggest rooster in the show. Some said, given how much public money he wasted while Mayor of London it’s too similar to the Grayling, but we think he deserves a special award based on his personality alone.”

The Grayling, you’ve got to be in it to win it. To win it you’ve got to be an idiot.

The no-deal deal for the no-ferries ferry company  has been scrapped by the no-plan planners. The idea has become no idea, and the proposal that was floated has been sunk.

There is a beautiful irony in that the body that pulled the plug was its Irish backer. No backstop, no deal.

This ought to be a severe embarrassment for the government. However, the Prime Minister herself has denied this. “Let me be very clear on this point,” she grated. “This government does not do embarrassment.”

It is yet another triumph of idiocy over any kind of common sense or practical consideration. The Minister for Bare-Faced Incompetence, Chris “Insert Joke Here” Grayling, remains proudly in post.

“The EU is sabotaging our preparations,” wittered Grayling, over a strong drink and a stronger cigarette in his local Contemptible Club. “Ireland is still in the EU, isn’t it? Anyway, they have dumped us in the shit big time again, so that’s another £14m they aren’t getting their hands on!”

Grayling reveals his alternative plan. “The EU have declared war on our sovereignty and Imperial delusions,” he declared. “So in the same way, I will evoke the Blitz Spirit and the Dunkirk Spirit, in the expectation that plucky Brits will always muddle through somehow.”

Grayling waddled off to the bar for a refill of Dutch Courage.

Our fearless investigative journalists attempted to track down anyone who claims to work for Seaborne Freight, the company that never was that became famous for not existing, and now never will exist. We located its head office in a run-down terraced house in Ramsgate. The house’s sole occupant was an old, deranged man, sitting in a bath, rocking back and forth and playing with a rubber duck.

By coincidence, government cuts mean that Ramsgate Harbour will not reopen any time soon.

You could argue that this is all a storm in a teacup, or Brexit in microcosm. Whatever floats your boat.

Long pants wearing school yard rebel, multi-millionaire, isolationist ‘socialist’ and so called ‘Absolute boy’ Jeremy Corbyn has made the most disliked girl in their Westminster school yard an offer he knows she’ll refuse, just to look cool in front of the other kids.

“It’s playground politics of the highest level,” LCD View’s obsessively depressed school counsellor reports,

“he knows he’s got her. She can’t accept his offer because if she does the few kids who pretend to like her, because she has a lot of money for sweets, will turn on her and if she doesn’t accept his offer then he can say, hey, look, at least I tried to help her get accepted by the kids who bully her, weekly, as a ritual, but who think the ‘absolute boy’ is mint. Even if they’ve never said it directly to anyone.”

But why is she so unpopular?

“Well, she’s head girl, so she’s a stickler for the rules, well, not the school’s rules, the rules she makes up as she goes along and forces all the other kids to stick to on pain of exclusion. She has the ear of the school authorities. Some say her family donate a lot of money to the school and this is why she is so influential, but I’m not into spreading school yard rumours, so I won’t,

“Anyway, the school is twinned with another school and it lets the kids share a lot of facilities that they otherwise wouldn’t have. She doesn’t like the kids at the other school because she thinks they talk funny,

“For this reason she wants to break the partnership, but it’ll mean everyone in the school, except the richest kids, will lose out. This hasn’t done a lot for her popularity.”

But why has the ‘Absolute boy’ has made the offer now?

“It is not clear, but it’s believed the timing is something to do with a long running school yard prank that has been nicknamed ‘the long game’, by kids who think the ageing, multi-millionaire school boy, isolationist ‘socialist’ is playing a well smart move that will see him elected head boy of the entire school,

This is all very convoluted and confusing.

“It’s supposed to be. That’s so no one knows what is going on.”

But do you think he’ll get elected head boy? Will this strategy work?

“I don’t think so personally. I haven’t thought so since 2016 and let me tell you, I got a lot of grief for pointing it out when I walked through the school yard. But that doesn’t matter. What matters is what the kids are really up to and who’ll get hurt as they carry on their school yard politics.”

Who’ll get hurt?

“Everyone. Many kids believe Jezza is just using the unpopular girl’s unpopularity to force an early election for head boy, or girl. Once he’s won it he’ll maintain the relationship with the other school, but some kids believe he’s never really liked the other school himself, something to do with all the rights they keep enshrining in law for every kid, regardless of their family’s bank accounts, and he just wants the girl to get all the blame for the break up. Apparently some graffiti in the school toilets rubbishing the other school from a few years back is in his handwriting.”

Surely it’s time the grown ups intervened and put a stop to this? It just sounds like bullying? Like no way to run a school.

“Fat chance of that! All the grown ups send their kids to the other school! I wouldn’t be surprised if the Westminster School for Big Boys and Big Girls ends up in special measures soon.”

LCD Views has our ear to the trembling railway line of internal party politics today and can report on fury vibrating down the line in from the direction of both main parties.

“It’s important firstly to understand that we are NOT A CULT!” Abstention cult member Mr S Heap told us,

“we merely insist on total, unquestioning loyalty to the divine leader whose amazing powers will lead us all to utopia if we JUST BELIEVE HARD ENOUGH IN HIS MAGICAL POWERS!

“In spite of all evidence to the contrary and his own actions. He has not yet managed to topple the worst, most toxic and incompetent government anyone can remember, not because he wants Brexit and a massive chunk of the electorate will never back anyone who wants that, but because of a conspiracy between the MSM and the MPs the MSM hates for being against Brexit.

“It’s not because he is a follower and not a leader. And if you don’t agree with me you can f off and vote Tory. That’ll show you! That’ll show the Tories too!”

Belief is of course key to any successful political operation and Abstention members have it in spades.

“The very fact that those traitors who have been undermining our attempts to undermine them for their ideological impurity for years now are considering forming a new party just underlines why they should wait until we’re ready to deselect them. Stand still and be pushed by the people who despise you! Show your loyalty. Allow us our show trials and ideological fury! Warm your hands around the bin fires with us that herald the dawn of revolution!”

And Absention members aren’t the only ones mad at MPs who may not wait until complete economic calamity, and the associated breakdown in civil society overcome the UK (thanks to the looming success of the hard right takeover of our executive, i.e. Brexit day), before acting.

We also heard from a Leave activist who was pretty much eating his own lips off in rage at the rumours that MPs he’s been bombarding with misogynistic hate and fascist propaganda may also be considering getting out of the party under infiltration, before the complete collapse.

“They must stay in the CONservatives and wait until we drive them insane,” Mr B Iffer SHOUTED,

“only a traitor would dare to lessen the power of a power crazed executive! A government executing the designs of a far right, tax dodging, feudalist mob hell bent on turning the UK into a sweatshop tax haven, as part of the strategy to undermine peace in Europe and fracture it all back into little chunks modern day barons can squabble over,

“Leave doesn’t mean leave until we’ve finished leaving!”

And meanwhile the rest of the country waits for MPs to leap, pickaxes in hand, and start hacking up the concrete that’s been poured all over the ground inbetween Brexit and Lexit (it’s actually a tiny space of ground).

Her Majesty’s Government has moved to bring clarity to the difficult field of deportation rules today by the introduction of a simple colour chart for officials considering who to kick out of the U.K.

”We don’t want to be seen as arbitrary,” Mr A. R. Acist, aide to Prime Minister Theresa May (think of him as her conscience) told LCD Views ‘Where is my country?’ correspondent,

“so Ms May personally doodled up a chart with her own coloured pens after misunderstanding an episode of ‘Family Guy’. She then had it laminated and given to officials to use as a guide THAT MUST BE ADHERED TO AT ALL TIMES, or the official will themselves be deported.”

Under the new guidelines anyone not white will be removed from the U.K. as soon as possible.

”It’s so Theresa can sleep better at night.”

The removals will take place with as little fanfare as possible.

”There are plans to further code the white sections of the chart with the country names of EU27 nations.”

People will also be encouraged to deport themselves and be offered cash incentives to do so.

”That means they can keep some of their cash when removing themselves, rather than pay it all to the Home Office failing in their fight against their deportation.”

Isn’t there a concern the policy of getting rid of anyone who UKIP voters don’t like may make the U.K. seem a less friendly place?

”Officials are just following orders.”

Ah, like Theresa May?

”Yes. A mixture of 19th century ghosts and the devil himself tell her exactly what to do. It really is just black and white, the deportation rules, I mean.”

Chris Grayling’s deputy at the Ministry of Incompetence, Dominic Raab, has admitted that he hasn’t yet finished reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar. He has promised to try to complete it before the cut-off date of March 29th.

“I must admit, there was more to it than at first I thought,” admitted a crestfallen Raab. “I mean, who would have guessed that a little caterpillar could eat so much? No wonder there are going to be food shortages!”

Raab revealed that he also tried to read The Tale Of Mrs Tiggy-Winkle, but got bogged down in the detail. “Hedgehogs doing the ironing! Who knew?” he burbled.

Fellow members of Raab’s reading circle in Esher and Walton have been instructed not to tell Dominic the ending. Unfortunately, some of the less respectful 4-year-olds gleefully revealed the plot twist. True to form, Raab refused to believe it.

“What they are suggesting is truly magical thinking,” Raab argued. “I mean, it’s one thing to believe in unicorns, but to suggest that a caterpillar will smother itself in its own bodily excretions, only to emerge as an entirely different creature, is utterly nonsensical.”

Eminent entomologist Dr Ant Hill gave his thoughts on the matter. “The book is designed to appeal to children, and is not, scientifically speaking, wholly accurate,” said Dr Hill. “In the broadest sense, though, the sequence of events described is factually true. And please remind Mr Raab that I do not study ents. Ents are fictional creatures like unicorns!”

“Doctor Hill?” asked Raab. “What, the guy, no, woman now, isn’t it, that flies around in a blue box? It’s so hard to keep up these days.”

Mrs Raab confirmed this last point with a wistfulness suffused with a mixture of sadness and blessed relief.

As we left Raab, he was wrapping himself in a fine, silk-like substance. “I’ve no idea why I’m doing this,” he said. “But it must be done. I believe! I believe!”

Will the creepy-crawly emerge from his cocoon as a beautiful butterfly, or will he suffocate and die? You pays your money, and you chooses your Brexit metaphor.

The international bribery convention was held earlier this week, in an undisclosed location, believed to be a tax haven. The star of the show was a surprise newcomer, Theresa May. She won the evening’s top award at her very first convention ever.

May was not the only political figure present, of course. Almost every Central and South American leader was present. Many African dictators had charged an excessive figure to national expenses simply to be there. Most were competing for the Endurance award.

Notable delegates also included John Redwood, Jacob Rees-Mogg, Aaron Banks, and almost every other figure who has moved his wealth out of the UK in the last few years. They all won honorary awards in the Brexit Bandits section.

In a class of his own was Donald Trump. Trump entered himself into every single category, claiming on Twitter that he was guaranteed to win bigly.

Beside these highly disrespectful figures, the professionally disrespectful mobsters, black marketeers and pirates seemed almost respectable. None won any awards this year. Mutterings were heard about world leaders encroaching on their turf, and embezzling all the funds they normally used to bribe the judges.

May was ecstatic after the event. “I am delighted to receive international acclaim for my achievements,” she said, in that Margaret-Thatcher-meets-fingers-scraping-a-blackboard voice. “At last, the world recognises my ceaseless endeavours. I have, tonight, received an overwhelming mandate to continue with Brexit regardless of any facts or advice. And Jeremy Corbyn can go f**k himself with that fencepost he always sits on!”

Donald Trump pronounced himself “disappointed” to only win the Novice award. “It’s a WITCH HUNT!!!” he tweeted. “Crooked Hillary and the undemocratic DEMS hunted that witch who won in my place. Sad! WE MUST BUILD THE WALL AT ONCE TO STOP THIS EVIL!!!”

Just when you think this government can sink no lower, it goes and raises the bar. Bribery means bribery.

LCD Views has had a peek again into the mind of a woman who features prominently in our reporting, by virtue of rumours that say she’s the British prime minister, to see what’s uppermost on her regret list today.

“Is it creating the hostile environment?” our errand boy asks, charmingly, while loading himself up with print copies of our paper.

No. It’s not. Now get back to work!

“Is it her appalling indecision when faced with the Grenfell tragedy?” our collage creator wants to know. So naive.

Not a chance.

“Is it letting Boris Johnson singlehandedly do more to destroy the credibility of the Foreign and Commonwealth Office than letting Eden decide to create a garden in Suez?” asks our office pot plant contractor (who know we had one?!).

Not on your nellie. Although that’s somewhere on the short list. Now dust that aspidistra.

“Is it punishing the poor for being poor?” our resident mountain climber shouts down from on high.

Don’t be ridiculous. Say something that plain ignorant again and you’re fired! Mind the ledge!

“What about deporting people irrespective of place of birth purely based on a skin colour chart?” our head editor enquires.

You need more coffee mate! That’s clearly not even on the list. Although it’s clearly now government policy. To our deep and enduring shame.

“Is it regretting slashing police numbers so hard now she wants to create a police state?” Orange Searchlight puts his hat into the ring.

We have a winner. And we didn’t even know he still worked (voluntarily, like everyone) here.

A parliament of owls have launched a petition today for English speaking humans to come up with a new collective noun for them after seeing what’s happening in our own parliament.

“We were shocked,” Reginald, barn owl, 16, told LCD’s Animals feel fear correspondent. “A few of us decided to fly past your House of Commons and stop by to see how you do things. We were knocked off our perch by the goings on in that old, shiny house.”

It’s seems the wise old birds had their curiosity sparked after hearing that the collective of our brightest and best we’re debating whether or not to risk becoming a fascist, stoopid state.

“Look, we normally believe it’s best to keep out of the way of people, as best we can, excepting a bit of good natured exchange of labour for food, clearing out vermin etc, but this recent decision has our feathers properly ruffled. Have none of you seen crows making tools? If they don’t takeover by October then, actually, then you’ve no bloody hope.”

It’s believed the owls main concern is the sheer illogical nonsense of parliament’s rejection of the capacity to not willingly force the U.K. into a position of food shortages and martial law.

And their suspicion it’s only being done to pave the way, post Brexit, to massive inhuman farms being constructed by multi-national corporations who will not care for anything but excess profit.

“You need to pick a new name for us and be smart about it. You had been making so much progress in recent years and that has gone into reverse hard since 2016.

Parliament has always seemed a compliment, but now? We’d have to be daft to stick with it. Much like your Brexit, we think you’re acting like lemmings.”